If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Huffington Post)   When you meet a lesbian: hints for the heterosexual women   (huffingtonpost.com) divider line 110
    More: Interesting, Jody Rosen, heterosexuals, gender studies, worksheets, hypnosis, New York Magazine, lesbians, University of Wisconsin  
•       •       •

13015 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Apr 2014 at 3:50 PM (15 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



110 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all
 
2014-04-08 02:38:46 PM
1. Go to her closet. Organize her dumpiest clothes into piles and set them on fire. You'll have fewer things to worry about when you finally land her, which cuts down a considerable amount of stress.
2. Say no to ice water. While it is polite to accept water, make sure to ask for it WITHOUT ice. That way, your hand won't be cold when you caress her nether regions. And if your hands are jittery, there won't be any clanking ice to reveal your butterflies.
3. Place a napkin in your back pocket. That's to wipe your chin. Also, your hands. Otherwise you might have a clammy handshake, in more ways than one.
4. On a related note, put panty liners in your heels and under your armpits. If you don't have any, use lettuce.
5. If you can, schedule your appointment in the morning. That way, you'll get in their before the smell sets in for the afternoon. Try 10:30 a.m. on a Tuesday. Then tell her you'll see her then.
6. Follow a three-second rule. Wait three seconds before answering questions. Also, wait three seconds between licks. Also, if you drop her, she's still edible if you clean and press her in less than three seconds.
7. Use the STAR method to streamline your answers. Situation, Task, Action, and Result. Or, Sniff, Taste, Anal and Roooooaaaaar.
8. Exercise. If you have the time, do about 10-15 minutes of cardio before you get ready. It'll get your blood pumping and release any of that anxious tension you have.
9. When on the phone, stand and smile. Spread your legs. Bounce up and down. Keep it natural. Keep it light. Star rockets in flight.
10. Also, keep the phone receiver near your chin. The clitoris should be near there too.
11. Skip the coffee. Makes pee stink.
12. Eat more protein than carbs. You'll be getting less protein as a lesbian.
13. Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff and it's all pretty sweaty anyway.
 
2014-04-08 02:44:42 PM
NOW KISSSSSSSS
 
2014-04-08 02:50:49 PM
I came out about that time.  Believe it or not, this was an incredibly controversial document at the time, and was met with hostility and disgust across the country.  The very idea that one would treat a woman who was openly lesbian as a human being was pretty unthinkable for most people.  We were customarily treated like garbage.  Truly.
 
2014-04-08 02:51:27 PM
This can't possibly be real.

It's either that treatise from Mrs. Smythers about how to be a good wife in 1880 (i.e. sex is evil and you should make both of you feel comfortable for even thinking about it) or it's the urban legend Desiderata (see how enlightened the noblest spirits were back in the 1500s!  They sounded just like people in 1968!)
 
2014-04-08 03:01:22 PM
Be sure to wear your Catholic school girl outfit, and invite over your hot Asian girlfriend to use the shower.  This is what lesbians typically do from the footage I've seen.
 
2014-04-08 03:22:10 PM
Legends of the wild woman

Stories about the "ladies of the wild vagina" were found among the indigenous population of the Pacific Northwest. The legends existed before a single name for the creature. Similar stories of wild vaginas are found on every continent except Antarctica. Ecologist Robert Michael Pyle argues that most cultures have human-like vagina eaters in their folk history: "We have this need for some larger-than-life creature," he said.

Details about the creature's diet and activities differ between regions.The uk-likalik were a nocturnal race that children were told not to say the names of lest the eaters hear and come to carry off little girls. In 1847, Paul Kane reported stories by the native people about skoocoonts: a race of cannibalistic wild women living on the peak of Mount St. Helens. The skoocoonts appear to have been regarded as supernatural, rather than natural.

Less menacing versions such as the one recorded by Reverend Elkanah Walker exist. In 1840, Walker, a Protestant missionary, recorded stories of wild women among the Native Americans living in Spokane, Washington. The Indians claimed that these women lived on and around the peaks of nearby mountains and stole salmon from the fishermen's nets.

Each language had its own name for the local version. Many names meant something along the lines of "wild woman" or "hairy woman" although other names described common actions it was said to perform (e.g., eating clams).

Prominent reported sightings:
1924: Prospector Albert Ostman claimed to have been abducted by wild women and held captive by the creatures in British Columbia. They repeated the words "snoo snoo" to him.

1924: Fred Beck claimed that he and four other miners were attacked one night in July 1924, by several "ape women" throwing rocks at their cabin in an area later called Ape Canyon. Beck said the miners shot and possibly killed at least one of the creatures, precipitating an attack on their cabin, during which the creatures bombarded the cabin with rocks and tried to break in. The supposed incident was widely reported at the time. Beck wrote a book about the alleged event in 1967, in which he argued that the creatures were mystical beings from another dimension, claiming that he had experienced psychic premonitions and visions his entire life of which the ape women were only one component. There were also local rumors that pranksters harassed the men and planted faked footprints.

1941: Jeannie Chapman and her children said they had escaped their home when a 7.5 feet tall Cumsquatch approached their residence in Ruby Creek, British Columbia.

1958: Bulldozer operator Jerry Crew took to a newspaper office a cast of one of the enormous footprints he and other workers had seen at an isolated work site at Bluff Creek, California. The crew was overseen by Wilbur L. Wallace, brother of Raymond L. Wallace. After Ray Wallace's death, his children came forward with a pair of 16-inch (41 cm) wooden feet, which they said their father had used to fake the tracks in 1958.

1967: Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin reported that on October 20 they had captured a purported Cumsquatch on film at Bluff Creek, California. This came to be known as the Patterson-Gimlin film. Many years later, Bob Heironimus, an acquaintance of Patterson's, said that he had worn a vagina costume for the making of the film. Patterson claimed to have screened the film for unnamed technicians "in the special effects department at Universal Studios in Hollywood ... Their conclusion was: 'We could try (faking it), but we would have to create a completely new system of artificial muscles and find an actor who could be trained to walk like that. It might be done, but we would have to say that it would be almost impossible.'"

2007: On September 16, 2007, hunter Rick Jacobs captured an image of a supposed Cumsquatch by using an automatically triggered camera attached to a tree, prompting a spokesperson for the Pennsylvania Game Commission to say that it was probably an image of "a bear with a severe case of mange." The photo was taken near the town of Ridgway, Pennsylvania, in the Allegheny National Forest.

img.fark.net
An alleged wild woman spotted near Ridgway, Pennsylvania
 
2014-04-08 03:56:25 PM
Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.
 
2014-04-08 03:58:29 PM
1) Trim your nails.
2) See step 1.
 
2014-04-08 03:58:35 PM
I read the headline as When you  NEEDa lesbian. Big difference.
 
2014-04-08 03:59:04 PM
16. Do not suggest sexual intercourse with a man as the solution to their lesbianism.
 
2014-04-08 04:00:17 PM
Strip down and be sure to post the vid to my email


/yes I know the old saw about ugly butch lesbians, but a naked ugly woman is still a naked woman....
 
2014-04-08 04:01:10 PM

Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


Also don't ask if you can watch...They don't like that one either
 
2014-04-08 04:01:27 PM
Do not ask if she has a pair of scissors.
 
2014-04-08 04:01:46 PM
"Do not trivialize her experience by assuming it is a bedroom issue only."

I think we need to circulate this flyer around the halls of the US Congress - they have lesbians, too; and I think they (Congress in general, not the lesbians in Congress) could use a refresher.
 
2014-04-08 04:02:42 PM

Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.



They?  You are grouping them all together??

/What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?
 
2014-04-08 04:03:27 PM
sounds like a problem that can be licked.
 
2014-04-08 04:04:42 PM
Pribar:
/yes I know the old saw about ugly butch lesbians, but a naked ugly woman is still a naked woman....

Though I do not share your lack of standards I applaud it.
 
2014-04-08 04:05:55 PM

bikerbob59: What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?


Don't get me started
I live on the isle of Lesbos.
Burkinstock Vermont.
 
2014-04-08 04:06:19 PM

bikerbob59: Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


They?  You are grouping them all together??

/What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?


I know someone's going to want to kick my ass, but why not


A snatch of lesbians


a muff of lesbians


a thatch of
 
2014-04-08 04:06:51 PM

bikerbob59: Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


They?  You are grouping them all together??

/What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?


A shag?
 
2014-04-08 04:09:06 PM

Odd Bird: Pribar:
/yes I know the old saw about ugly butch lesbians, but a naked ugly woman is still a naked woman....

Though I do not share your lack of standards I applaud it.


At my age standards are for those who can afford them
 
2014-04-08 04:09:13 PM
I went to Madison at the same time. While fairly progressive, Madison also has/had tons of undergrads from up 'Nort that are less than cosmopolitan. This list would actually help, even now.

/I had a roommate from Ladysmith that had only seen black people on TV. He used to ask to touch their hair.
 
2014-04-08 04:09:31 PM
Benevolent Misanthrope: I came out about that time.  Believe it or not, this was an incredibly controversial document at the time, and was met with hostility and disgust across the country.  The very idea that one would treat a woman who was openly lesbian as a human being was pretty unthinkable for most people.  We were customarily treated like garbage.  Truly.

Oh, I think we can all believe that.

This list is pretty clearly tongue-in-cheek, in a way that invites the semi progressive reader (Eg a slightly sheltered young woman taking a WS class in the 80s), who would certainly never run away screaming, to examine some of their subtler prejudices and assumptions about gays.  Not bad.
 
2014-04-08 04:10:51 PM

bikerbob59: /What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?


*sigh*
the correct term is a yodel.
 
2014-04-08 04:12:38 PM

vudukungfu: bikerbob59: /What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?

*sigh*
the correct term is a yodel.


It's a lingus of lesbians.
 
2014-04-08 04:13:38 PM
is it possible to make the text on that flyer any smaller, as I'm testing out my home microscope
 
2014-04-08 04:15:34 PM

vudukungfu: bikerbob59: /What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?

*sigh*
the correct term is a yodel.


That's true for larger groups, but 3-4 lesbians is properly an "Outback" of lesbians.
 
2014-04-08 04:15:45 PM

bikerbob59: Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


They?  You are grouping them all together??

/What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?


A quiver
 
2014-04-08 04:16:31 PM

Another Pretentious Nickname: vudukungfu: bikerbob59: /What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?

*sigh*
the correct term is a yodel.

That's true for larger groups, but 3-4 lesbians is properly an "Outback" of lesbians.


but only if there's flannel involved
 
2014-04-08 04:17:16 PM
Don't look into her eyes.

Thems be lesbo eyes.
 
2014-04-08 04:17:33 PM

FarkingReading: vudukungfu: bikerbob59: /What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?

*sigh*
the correct term is a yodel.

It's a lingus of lesbians.


I always thought it was murder.

Wait, that's how you call a group of bankers,
 
2014-04-08 04:19:10 PM

bikerbob59: Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


They?  You are grouping them all together??

/What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?


Everyone's got it wrong. It's a gaggle of lesbians.
 
2014-04-08 04:20:02 PM

Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


Now you tell me.  Where were you 4 slaps ago???
 
2014-04-08 04:20:47 PM
10+ years ago, I read a well-written etiquette guide meant for straight people. It gave some fairly specific advice, such as:

- If you see a gay couple you know walking down the street, don't yell 'hey', yell their names. They're probably getting yelled at a lot by unfriendly people, and they might not be able to recognize your voice from a single 'hey'.

- If someone is coming out to you and it might be their first time doing so, don't say you'd already figured it out, even if you have. Until they're more comfortable with letting people know, they would probably like to think that they can control whether the information gets out.

...

Sounded like good stuff to me, but I can't find it any more.
 
2014-04-08 04:25:45 PM
Don't not ask about tribbing or tribbles!
 
2014-04-08 04:26:37 PM

draypresct: 10+ years ago, I read a well-written etiquette guide meant for straight people. It gave some fairly specific advice, such as:

- If you see a gay couple you know walking down the street, don't yell 'hey', yell their names. They're probably getting yelled at a lot by unfriendly people, and they might not be able to recognize your voice from a single 'hey'.

- If someone is coming out to you and it might be their first time doing so, don't say you'd already figured it out, even if you have. Until they're more comfortable with letting people know, they would probably like to think that they can control whether the information gets out.

...

Sounded like good stuff to me, but I can't find it any more.



If you sense a disturbance in the gay force, track down your twin son and daughter and force them to kiss.  No one knows why this works, but it means your daughter ends up with a straight scruffy-looking Nerf herder. Your son will turn gay though and engage in furry time with little, green, elderly Muppets.
 
2014-04-08 04:27:05 PM
The paper makes it sound like straight women need to wear a pith helmet and carry a torch in case of a chance encounter with a lesbian.
 
2014-04-08 04:28:48 PM
16. Do ask her if she's butch or femme
 
2014-04-08 04:29:19 PM

Benevolent Misanthrope: I came out about that time.  Believe it or not, this was an incredibly controversial document at the time, and was met with hostility and disgust across the country.  The very idea that one would treat a woman who was openly lesbian as a human being was pretty unthinkable for most people.  We were customarily treated like garbage.  Truly.


Well if you came out in Northern Canada, I could only imagine what that would have been like. Rednecks/hicks are the same everywhere. It amazes me that anyone would ever dislike lesbians. I still have no idea why but all men seem to find the idea very stimulating.

/yes I clicked and was disappointed
 
2014-04-08 04:30:15 PM
Does it say when I can ask them if they're huge Tegan and Sara fans?
 
2014-04-08 04:32:07 PM

Vidwiz: Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.

Also don't ask if you can watch...They don't like that one either


They have all heard the story about the boy who put his finger in the dike, and no, they do not want to reenact it as street theater with you.
 
2014-04-08 04:33:07 PM

Jument: Benevolent Misanthrope: I came out about that time.  Believe it or not, this was an incredibly controversial document at the time, and was met with hostility and disgust across the country.  The very idea that one would treat a woman who was openly lesbian as a human being was pretty unthinkable for most people.  We were customarily treated like garbage.  Truly.

Well if you came out in Northern Canada, I could only imagine what that would have been like. Rednecks/hicks are the same everywhere. It amazes me that anyone would ever dislike lesbians. I still have no idea why but all men seem to find the idea very stimulating.

/yes I clicked and was disappointed


I was in Georgia.  Trust me, even worse.
 
2014-04-08 04:36:28 PM

loonatic112358: bikerbob59: Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


They?  You are grouping them all together??

/What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?

I know someone's going to want to kick my ass, but why not


A snatch of lesbians


a muff of lesbians


a thatch of


a licket
 
2014-04-08 04:38:17 PM
DO talk about softball and ask if they play fast or slow pitch.
 
2014-04-08 04:39:04 PM
Joking aside. Lesbians are just neighbors up here.
Nothing special about it.
Been to weddings, gone through crying divorces.
Some are hard core born agains and some are heavy into BDSM.
Just like anyone else anywhere else.
Nothing really to see. Move along America.

No. seriously, America. Move ON.
 
2014-04-08 04:40:37 PM

MutantMotherMouse: loonatic112358: bikerbob59: Arkanaut: Don't ask for a threesome.  They will not be amused.


They?  You are grouping them all together??

/What would a group of lesbians be called anyway?

I know someone's going to want to kick my ass, but why not


A snatch of lesbians


a muff of lesbians


a thatch of


a licket


a munch
 
2014-04-08 04:42:38 PM
What a big bag of crap to get college credit for.
 
2014-04-08 04:45:17 PM

FarkingReading: If you sense a disturbance in the gay force, track down your twin son and daughter and force them to kiss. No one knows why this works, but it means your daughter ends up with a straight scruffy-looking Nerf herder. Your son will turn gay though and engage in furry time with little, green, elderly Muppets.


Huh?

Was that just something random, or were you trying to make a point? I honestly can't tell.
 
2014-04-08 04:45:30 PM
Obviously, Michele Bachmann never read this, as she ran afoul of hint #1.
 
2014-04-08 04:49:41 PM

Benevolent Misanthrope: I came out about that time.  Believe it or not, this was an incredibly controversial document at the time, and was met with hostility and disgust across the country.  The very idea that one would treat a woman who was openly lesbian as a human being was pretty unthinkable for most people.  We were customarily treated like garbage.  Truly.


What a load of crap.  I was around at that time and never heard of it.  And the idea that "the very idea that one would treat a woman who was openly lesbian as a human being was pretty unthinkable" in 1988 -- particularly in a woman's studies department -- is nonsense.

The past is another country, they say.  But not that different.
 
Displayed 50 of 110 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report