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(CNN)   Married, Christian conservative representative from Louisiana "sorry" after being caught making out on video with a staff member. But it's those damn dirty gays ruining the sanctity of marriage, amiright?   ( divider line
    More: Fail, CNN Newsource, Feinstein, Fundamentalist Christianity  
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209 clicks;  Favorite

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
2014-04-08 05:24:07 AM  
God specifically said that adultery is not allowed.

Where are the protests?
2014-04-08 06:21:50 AM  

NFA: God specifically said that adultery is not allowed.

Where are the protests?

Adultery, bearing false witness, theft, and coveting are all on the Big Ten, but we can forgive those, right? That's why the gheys need to be tossed out on their God Hating tochises, for an offense on par with eating at an all you eat Shrimp Boil and shopping at Walmart for polyblend clothing, and shaving those marvelous curls...

Reposted for Relevance...

Top Ten Reasons to Make Gay Marriage Illegal

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Mind you, if we want to look at Leviticus, and NOT just cherrypick which ones, and simply cite which ones are ridiculous, how about we look at some of the things that sort of get forgotten by some folks that might support some promotion of the general welfare?

Leviticus 19:10 And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the LORD your God.

Which seems to point to Yahweh being down with welfare and assisting folks in need.

Leviticus 19:14 Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.

Yahweh seems to be down with helping the handicapped too.

Leviticus 19:16 Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.

So, apparently, lying and telling tales is not approved of, and that communities should stand together. Not just the pale people or the brown people, but all y'all's people...

Leviticus 19:17 Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.

Guess wishing death and terribleness on your neighbors is out too. How many Democrats or Libertarians or Scientologist you think live in your neighborhoods?

Leviticus 19:18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.

Gee. Love thy neighbor. Nor on the children of your people. Whuddathunkit?

And, of course, there is something about immigrants that is completely ignored by the rabid Christian nationalists...

Leviticus 19:33-34 And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him.
But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

Does that mean we can end this ridiculousness about trying to repeal the 14th Amendment, since Leviticus was down with that sort of thing LONG before the Founding Fathers or Lincoln?

Or if we have to throw out Leviticus as being outdated, does this mean we can toss out the whole hating the gheys thing too?

And while we're at it, why the heck aren't more people out there doing this, if we're to follow Leviticus?

Or if we have to throw out Leviticus as being outdated, does this mean we can toss out the whole hating the gheys thing too?

1. Burning any yeast or honey in offerings to God (2:11)
Not a huge problem nowadays.

2. Failing to include salt in offerings to God (2:13)
Again, not a huge deal to most Christian churches.

3. Eating fat (3:17)
Southern cuisine is in trouble

4. Eating blood (3:17)
German cuisine is in trouble.

5. Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you've witnessed (5:1)
Congress is in trouble.

6. Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you've been told about (5:1)
Congress is REALLY in trouble

7. Touching an unclean animal (5:2)
Hope you don't like pork...

8. Carelessly making an oath (5:4)
Again, Congress is REALLY in trouble

9. Deceiving a neighbour about something trusted to them (6:2)
HOAs are against God...

10. Finding lost property and lying about it (6:3)
Much of America is DOOMED...

11. Bringing unauthorized fire before God (10:1)
The candle trade for saints is apparently DOOOOOOM!

12. Letting your hair become unkempt (10:6)
Hipsters, teens, and much of Hollywood is DOOOOOMED!

13. Tearing your clothes (10:6)
Wrasslin' is the work of the Debbil

14. Drinking alcohol in holy places (10:9)
Catholics, we're looking right at you....

15. Eating an animal which doesn't both chew cud and has a divided hoof (cf: camel, rabbit, pig) (11:4-7)
Rib joints are the work of the Debbil...

16. Touching the carcass of any of the above (11:8)
Hope you aren't a fan of football...

17. Eating - or touching the carcass of - any seafood without fins or scales (11:10-12)
Red Lobster is the work of the Debbil...

18. Eating - or touching the carcass of - eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (11:13-19)
In fairness, this means that Newage folks are DOOOOOMED!

19. Eating - or touching the carcass of - flying insects with four legs, unless those legs are jointed (11:20-22)
Cicadas may be out.

20. Eating any animal which walks on all four and has paws (11:27)
Roof rabbit may have doomed the entire Greatest Generation...

21. Eating - or touching the carcass of - the weasel, the rat, any kind of great lizard, the gecko, the monitor lizard, the wall lizard, the skink and the chameleon (11:29)
Hope you haven't had gator bites...

22. Eating - or touching the carcass of - any creature which crawls on many legs, or its belly (11:41-42)
Rattlesnake BBQ is RIGHT out...

23. Going to church within 33 days after giving birth to a boy (12:4)
Hope you aren't having that Christening too early, you naughty folks...

24. Going to church within 66 days after giving birth to a girl (12:5)
See the above, but double time for the girlchil'run...

25. Having sex with your mother (18:7)
Which is not a bad rule to have, but let's face it, this rule pretty much takes out a good section of 90s day time TV

26. Having sex with your father's wife (18:8)
Not a bad rule either, but see the above section on reality TV...

27. Having sex with your sister (18:9)
This one is going to have Kentucky and good sections of the South, and Maine in trouble...

28. Having sex with your granddaughter (18:10)
Not a bad rule at all, and...ewww

29. Having sex with your half-sister (18:11)
See the earlier section on day time TV...

30. Having sex with your biological aunt (18:12-13)
Again, see the section on day time TV...

31. Having sex with your uncle's wife (18:14)
Man, Maury would be screwed if we damn everyone for this...

32. Having sex with your daughter-in-law (18:15)
Maury may have sent a brazillion folks to Hell for this...

33. Having sex with your sister-in-law (18:16)
Congress may be in trouble here too...

34. Having sex with a woman and also having sex with her daughter or granddaughter (18:17)
Alan Clarke and Maury are soooo screwed on this.

35. Marrying your wife's sister while your wife still lives (18:18)
Man, day time TV is just rife with sinfulness. Should we let children watch this smut?

36. Having sex with a woman during her period (18:19)
Redwings. Apparently, always a bad idea...

37. Having sex with your neighbour's wife (18:20)
Congress, and a fair amount of middle America is sooooo boned...

38. Giving your children to be sacrificed to Molek (18:21)
In fairness, I'm all for religious freedom, but this seems like a good, commonsense rule.

39. Having sex with a man "as one does with a woman" (18:22)
There it is. THIS apparently is THE important one.

40. Having sex with an animal (18:23)
The Scots apparently have generations of sending kindling to Hell...

41. Making idols or "metal gods" (19:4)
Catholics, you may be in some trouble here...

42. Reaping to the very edges of a field (19:9)
Yup. We're supposed to leave stuff for the poor and destitute to glean from the fields...

43. Picking up grapes that have fallen in your vineyard (19:10)
Factory farming is the work of the Debbil...

44. Stealing (19:11)
Congress and much of the legal system is so screwed...

45. Lying (19:11)
Is there anything Congress CAN do then?

46. Swearing falsely on God's name (19:12)
Pat Robertson and Congress apparently makes Jehovah wroth...

47. Defrauding your neighbor (19:13)
Real estate and much of America is boned. You'll note how wroth folks are about this one, while being ghey is just the work of the Debbil...

48. Holding back the wages of an employee overnight (19:13)
Paychecks are the work of the Debbil...

49. Cursing the deaf or abusing the blind (19:14)
God is hard on douchebags...

50. Perverting justice, showing partiality to either the poor or the rich (19:15)
Congress in both houses are boned...

51. Spreading slander (19:16)
As are the tabloids...

52. Doing anything to endanger a neighbour's life (19:16)
Most of America and the "here, hold my beer" crowd is screwed...

53. Seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (19:18) are sooooooooo going ALL of you to Hell...

54. Mixing fabrics in clothing (19:19)
Walmart, Sears, and Target. Agents of Satan...

55. Cross-breeding animals (19:19)
God IS against GMO husbandry...

56. Planting different seeds in the same field (19:19)
Put down the basil and the tomatoes. I don't care if they DO complement one another's growth, it's BAD!

57. Sleeping with another man's slave (19:20)
Seriously. Bad form folks. Bad form.

58. Eating fruit from a tree within four years of planting it (19:23)
The apple industry is the work of the Debbil...

59. Practicing divination or seeking omens (tut, tut astrology) (19:26)
Miss Cleo is the work of the Debbil, and here we have this sin IN OUR PAPERS!

60. Trimming your beard (19:27)
Look at all the dirty bastiches who do this. LOOK AT THEM!

61. Cutting your hair at the sides (19:27)
The Marines are the work of the Debbil...

62. Getting tattoos (19:28)
Tramp stamps and memorial tattoos are the work of the Debbil...

63. Making your daughter prostitute herself (19:29)
Daytime TV is SUCH a sinful place...

64. Turning to mediums or spiritualists (19:31)
Miss Cleo. Leading a nation into sin and depravity...

65. Not standing in the presence of the elderly (19:32)
Welp, this one seems right out today...

66. Mistreating foreigners - "the foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born" (19:33-34)
Guess that means we can stop those Oathkeepers and Sheriff Joe from being mean to the immigrants then, right? Border fences are the Debbil's chopsticks I guess...

67. Using dishonest weights and scales (19:35-36)
My industry is boned as a whole, as is pretty much most of the oil industry as well...

68. Cursing your father or mother (punishable by death) (20:9)
Maury and the rest could have made a few bucks by televising the stonings though...

69. Marrying a prostitute, divorcee or widow if you are a priest (21:7,13)
Odd, that you don't see more folks incensed by this...

70. Entering a place where there's a dead body as a priest (21:11)
Which pretty much means that all our chaplains are boned.

71. Slaughtering a cow/sheep and its young on the same day (22:28)
And in fairness, it's rude too. Eating mama and her babies is just greedy...

72. Working on the Sabbath (23:3)
Sadly, this means no liquor stores open on Saturday or Sunday...

73. Blasphemy (punishable by stoning to death) (24:14)
Man, we are going to need a LOT of stones. Just in the State legislatures, and let's not even get onto Congress...

74. Inflicting an injury; killing someone else's animal; killing a person must be punished in kind (24:17-22)
This WOULD end cockfighting and dogfighting quick though...

75. Selling land permanently (25:23)
Odd, you don't see more protests and signs around real estate agencies...

76. Selling an Israelite as a slave (foreigners are fine) (25:42)
In fairness, I think that Fox News is still cool with this one...
2014-04-08 08:16:26 AM  
Did he get caught again? You would think he would have wised up after making the Fark politic tab yesterday.
2014-04-08 08:16:32 AM

Great job to whoever greened this.  I mean it was ALL of 5 down the page.  5! you know a # that maybe you can count to since you have fingers!
2014-04-08 08:20:40 AM  
The only one marriage anyone should be concerned about is their own.

I honestly don't care what any of you farkers do in the privacy of your own home with other consenting adults.  Just don't do it in front of the window.  Unless you and your partner are extremely good looking.  Which case let your freak flag fly.
2014-04-08 08:24:51 AM  
Wow, five story away repeat
2014-04-08 08:26:19 AM  
Yanno, if republicans would just run on a platform of "we cheat on wives, beat our kids, buy our professions, and think wimmin should just make babies and sammiches while the men get free whores of both sexes" they would win in a landslide if only for the honesty of it.
2014-04-08 08:29:33 AM  

Tricky Chicken: Wow, five story away repeat

I bet this is the gays' fault too.
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