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(Lifehacker Australia)   How to survive 33 hours stuck on an airplane   (lifehacker.com.au) divider line 45
    More: Scary, airplanes, Cathay Pacific, hub airport, immigration officer, Oh Shit, flights  
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10770 clicks; posted to Main » on 02 Apr 2014 at 11:21 AM (28 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-04-02 01:18:59 PM  
7 votes:

NightSteel: Yellow Beard: My brother and his wife were on that flight. His take on it is a hilarious read.

So share it with the class!


It's kind of long but I got a kick out of it. Here it is unedited----

Waiting for your flight is nearly as painful as waiting for a pot of water to boil, especially when you have connecting flights.  Then you learn that your flight is delayed nearly an hour and you begin to have doubts about catching the next flight.  You begin boarding and watch in amazement at what some consider a carry on bag. You are almost as amazed as you were watching these people check in.

Your eagerness to begin your trip is tempered by your very sore ass about five hours into the flight and you realize you have nine hours to go.  No matter what position you sit in, or how you shift your weight, your ass is in protest.

You get up and walk around, trying not to be too obvious in your discomfort.  The line for the bathrooms, are three or four long and you seriously need to adjust your junk.  You try to do the hands in the pockets trick only to catch a grand mother looking woman staring at you with a frown.

Nine hours into the flight your ass and junk are protesting and your feet chime in for good measure. Idle hands are the devils works shop falls short compared to feet.  They seem to get pissed from inactivity.

Your rebuilt knee which almost never complains, joins the party, it must have felt left out. The seat behind you has a mom and dad with twins, the twins look to be about four months old.  You wait for the crying to begin, but these twins seem content to sleep.

Twelve hours into your flight you check the map that shows the plane's progress and nearly weep, you still have a long way to go.  Your ass sees the progress through your eyes and alerts you to a cramp in a place no ass ever had a cramp before.  You wonder if the pilot can be bribed to firewall the throttles, and get the plane hauling ass.

Final approach and relief is at hand, but the Captain keys the intercom.  There is some nasty weather over Hong Kong and it might get a little bumpy.  You smile, that means free entertainment from those with even a little fear of flying.

The ride in is as rough as advertised and suddenly the plane pulls up.  Your brain screams no, your ass doubles the cramps to let you know it's opinion on any delays.   You circle the airport for nearly an hour, and due to low fuel you divert to an airport no one has ever heard of in China.

It isn't far, only twenty minutes as the Boeing flies.  You are pissed, this means a zero chance of catching your connecting flight, but at least you will be able to walk around and get your ass off your case.

Your pilot greases the landing and you notice that the plane rolls to a stop nowhere near any of the terminals. The Captain comes on and explains the Chinese authorities won't allow any passengers to deplane.   You think to yourself, "those communist pricks."

The Captain doesn't exactly impart confidence as he explains that he and his crew are at the legal limit and will have to be replaced before the plane can leave.  He estimates an early morning departure.   It is now nine o'clock at night.  Your ass must have fainted because it is entirely numb after hearing the news.

People around you groan, but accept the tragic news, we are in communist China after all.  What can any of us really do about it?  The flight attendants disappear, as if by magic or fear.

By one am the bathrooms are devoid of toilet paper and the trashcan is overflowing. People still stand in line for the pleasure of using the toxic waste sight that was formerly a bathroom.

You can't sleep, economy class seats are made to prevent any comfort or ability to relax.  You wonder if this is the airlines way of punishing those too cheap or too poor to by Business class seats or above.

The twins have found their voices, the parked plane is cold inside and if adults are cold the babies surely are as well.  You don't feel anger towards the infants, after all if it weren't for fear of being laughed at you would be crying too.

The attendants suddenly reappear and they come bearing the gift of sustenance.  Its been ten hours since the last meal was served.  You have a choice between fried rice or fried noodles.  The noodles look like stained shoe strings.  You wisely opt for the fried rice.

The Captain has promised that a relief crew will arrive in the early AM hours and get our asses out of China. He has not foreseen the problem of China demonstrating why they are known as the biggest dicks in Asia if not the world.  The Chinese will allow a plane to land, but the relief pilots will not be allowed to deplane.  They will have to take the ferry from Hong Kong and pass through immigration there.  This adds several hours to the wait.

The bathrooms now resemble mini-landfills and smell like outhouses. You silently vow to punch the next Chinese person you meet in the face.  Looking around, it is a target rich environment and you are out numbered. You decide to not keep that promise to yourself, at least today anyway.

Sleep is impossible, your ass has decided that if it must endure the hardship of hard seats, you should be awake for it all.  Your wife decides her comfort zone is to lay across your lap adding even more pressure to an ass that feels getting sucked through a jet engine would be a perfect remedy to its woes.  You silently accept that this is repayment for all the evil you must have done in your life.

There are cups of water set out for the passengers to help themselves.  It has the flavor of hand sanitizer with a hint of bio warfare mixed in.  You sip it and nearly gag, dehydration has now become the preferable choice.  You make a note to yourself to buy extra drink and bring it in your carry on bag next time.

Great news is announced, the relief crew is inbound and only two hours behind schedule.  Then the other shoe drops.  They will need to verify all the work the previous crew has done.   You are glad, because it was those dumb asses that landed you in Communist China instead of just ditching the plane in the ocean off the coast of Hong Kong.

After the relief crew arrives at 12:50 pm they set about to making things right.  The relief crew includes new flight attendants who are terrified of what the bathrooms have become.  They do their best to avoid eye contact with the passengers.

You hear a loud thump and hope that somehow they fed the original pilots through an engine for punishment.  It is at this moment your ass decides to remind you that you haven't taken a shiat in over 36 hours.  You feel yourself lifted from your seat by bulging asshole syndrome.  You man up at order your ass to wait another hour.  You'll be on the ground in Hong Kong and can plug one of their toilets.

Your wife decides that she needs her legs rubbed.  You wonder why her ass isn't killing her like yours is, but decide not to ask.  The angel you married doesn't look like an angel at the moment.  In fact she looks more than a little possessed by the most evil of demons.  For the first time in your marriage you are afraid of your wife and massage her legs gladly.

The sound of the engines spooling up gives you hope.  The plane rolls about a hundred yards and stops.  You wonder to yourself if this is more Chinese games.  The Chinese finger trap comes to mind and you decide that you will vote for any candidate that promises to nuke China.

The new crew brings out more fried noodles for the wait.  You suspect that they are what's left of the noodles offered earlier.  Worse still you wonder if we are delayed again?  Your ass has forgotten the need to shiat and feels like it has split lengthwise from kidneys to knees.  Your nut sack feels like someone has used super glue to glue it to your thighs and it too is tearing in half.  You're not worried, you will never need those balls again after this flight.

You learn from the new Captain that your first Captain was not the only idiot to divert to Mainland China.  You are in line with the other victims, to leave.  The old saying, misery enjoys company comes to mind, but offers very little comfort.

The plane begins to roll forward and the foul air of the compartment seems to freshen slightly.  Not for the first time you wish that you could roll the windows down and let some air in.

In the seat across from you sits a member of the original flight crew.  She is the very picture of beauty and she has a run in her stocking.  Oddly enough, you're turned on by her, and thoughts of vengeance depart your thoughts.  She is wearing a very short skirt and the man part of you decides that you would love to knock the bottom out of her in compensation for your suffering.

The attendant catches you leering and smiles.  You realize that she is a plant.  The crew must know your hidden thoughts, and have played a masterful game of defusing your homicidal tendencies.  The gorgeous woman who is also a flight attendant shifts her position and you now can see the top of her stockings.

You stare with lust, your sore ass is forgotten and your thunder stick is coming to life.  It's at that very moment you notice that your wife has noticed where your attention has been for the last three minutes.  Her hand rests upon your junk and you know that tiny, graceful hand will inflict greater pain than any flight attendant is worth.

Your thunder stick calms down and the flight attendant has turned her wiles on to another victim.  You feel a brief pang of jealousy that passes as your wife breaths in your face to whisper something that sounds like Blah bo kigh something something.  You nod your head as if you understood every word.

The Captain orders the flight crew to take their seats, we are taking off.  I want to scream "Dump the bilges on the runway, leave China something to remember us by."

The plane screams down the runway and takes off, even your pissed off ass is celebrating.  You have escaped from China without receiving a full body cavity search.  This has to be a first and a call to the book of world records becomes your first priority upon landing in Hong Kong.

It is a short flight of 20 minutes and more good news follows.  Your flight has priority for landing!!!!  No doubt the CDC will be on hand to evaluate the bathrooms.  You know damned well right there will be a few new germs and diseases in them for those geeks to check out.

Your new Captain decides that your asses are not nearly sore enough and when he sets down he puts the Boeing 777-300 landing gear to the test.  People clap their hands in celebration, no one caught fire from a fiery crash and we are in Hong Kong.

The airline must feel that perhaps the ordeal was more than the passengers bargained for, and have many representatives waiting for us as we escape the hell hole that resembles a 265 million dollar aircraft. They may have to send it back to Boeing for an overhaul and clean up detail.

You are given an envelope with a letter of apology and a 1000 Hong Kong Dollar note.  You are then sent to another area where you receive a new boarding pass for a flight to Bangkok.  With the pass is a food voucher good for 1 day, to get real food from any restaurant in the airport.  You almost feel like forgiving the airline their trespasses against you.  No not really, but you accept the token of their shame.

You find a restaurant that not only has real food, but also serves beer.  A pissed off and very painful ass needs beverage that will numb the brain.  You have just enough time to hammer two Stouts and eat a bacon cheese burger then haul ass to your gate which thankfully has just started boarding.

Your ass takes this moment to remind you that you really need to take a shiat and you're way over due.  Your flight leaves on time and you jump to your feet the second the fasten seat belt light goes out.  The plane is about to receive another world record from yours truly.

It really is amazing what an aircraft toilet will flush in one attempt.  You know for a fact the toilet in your home would never have tolerated such abuse.  You almost feel sad for the next occupant, but not really.

Your flight lands in Bangkok without delay and as you have become accustomed to in previous flights to the Land of the Smile, customs here is a quick five minutes and you are on your way to baggage claim.  Thailand awaits you and you are thrilled beyond words.  You have heard of nightmare flights, but even in the Military, never endured such a train wreck.

Your stepdaughter is waiting for you.  Her smile dazzles you as she waves to you.  Your wife still looks possessed and it might have something to do with catching you leering at an evil temptress in the uniform of a flight attendant.  This too, you shall survive, after all you survived China.
2014-04-02 11:44:58 AM  
5 votes:
I go in the bathroom for 5 hours and when I come out, I'm wearing a pilot's uniform.  I start ordering the sky waitresses around "Form a pyramid!  A pyramid!  Not a triangle!" and then tell the passengers they can walk out on the wings if they can give me $20. I also tell them there's extra food hidden on the plane.  They just have to find it.

Then, I go back in to the bathroom and come out in my regular clothes.  I shoot some video and forward it to the lawyers/tv news.
2014-04-02 11:54:20 AM  
4 votes:
Oh boo-hoo. People have been stuck on Malaysia flight 370 for over three weeks and how do you think they feel?
2014-04-02 11:46:25 AM  
4 votes:
Hide and seek?

i.imgur.com
2014-04-02 11:39:52 AM  
4 votes:

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!


What would have happened if 300 significantly or
Mostly American passengers just...got off the plane?

Surely even the Chinese wouldn't do anything crazy...that would be one HELL of an incident...


The people who got off the plane would fall the 17 feet or so to the tarmac, because there would be no jetway or portable stairs outside the door to accommodate them.

That probably would be an incident. Bonus points if the report included the phrase "sacks of wet cement".
2014-04-02 11:43:33 AM  
3 votes:
media.tumblr.com
2014-04-02 11:38:34 AM  
3 votes:
I keep everyone entertained with the "gremlin on the wing" routine I do.
2014-04-02 01:02:21 PM  
2 votes:

Super Chronic: Oh boo-hoo. People have been stuck on Malaysia flight 370 for over three weeks and how do you think they feel?


I think they are getting along quite swimmingly by now. Er that didn't come out right - what I meant to say is that you have never seen a bunch of people become better chums in such a short time.

/I'll take the window seat please
2014-04-02 12:10:44 PM  
2 votes:

DROxINxTHExWIND: Odd Bird: As long as her panties are around her ankles, round it up to 40.
[therumhowlerblog.files.wordpress.com image 300x359]


What the hell are you going to do the other 39 hours and 57 minutes?


Did you NOT see the bottle of Vodka?

/three whole minutes?  Are you some sort of machine!
2014-04-02 12:06:37 PM  
2 votes:

Odd Bird: As long as her panties are around her ankles, round it up to 40.
[therumhowlerblog.files.wordpress.com image 300x359]



What the hell are you going to do the other 39 hours and 57 minutes?
2014-04-02 12:05:46 PM  
2 votes:
Apparently, according to this guy, you biatch your way through it.
d23 [TotalFark]
2014-04-02 12:04:05 PM  
2 votes:

D135: Work yourself into an uncontrollable rage, crack open the skull of a passenger in front of you and feast on the goo inside?


For some reason this reminds me of a SNL sketch Will Ferrel was in which morning show anchors return to a state of nature and start killing each other when their teleprompter breaks down.  The thin line between sanity and insanity is brittle indeed.
2014-04-02 12:00:25 PM  
2 votes:

Grumpy Cat: There was probably a huge orgy on board and he wasn't invited. Asthma and all.


Not to mention all the exposure to nuts.
2014-04-02 11:58:55 AM  
2 votes:

Confabulat: Obviously some of you guys don't suffer from claustrophobia at all. I can't sit in a chair surrounded by strangers in a tube for endless hours without flipping out at least a little bit. I would need a LOT of vodka and or painkillers.


wtf ever happened to Xanax, people?

digistil: Fly business or first class. It's the only reasonable way to travel long distances in a short amount of time without going insane.


You say that like it's a bad thing.
/I have kids and chose insanity a long, long time ago. It's blissful.
2014-04-02 11:38:16 AM  
2 votes:
I've learned that boredom, though serious, is not usually fatal and that content on an iPad can be viewed more than once.
2014-04-02 11:38:06 AM  
2 votes:
Well, to start with:

www.poisoncentertampa.org
2014-04-02 11:34:43 AM  
2 votes:
He sounds like the manliest man on the planet
2014-04-02 02:06:55 PM  
1 votes:

Yellow Beard: It's kind of long but I got a kick out of it. Here it is unedited----


I tried and I tried and I tried, but I can only vote for this once.
2014-04-02 01:54:41 PM  
1 votes:

moike: Yellow Beard: NightSteel: Yellow Beard: My brother and his wife were on that flight. His take on it is a hilarious read.

So share it with the class!

It's kind of long but I got a kick out of it. Here it is unedited----

Does your brother perhaps have a newsletter I could subscribe to?


No but he does have a few books on amazon....(shameless pitch to sell books for brother detected)
2014-04-02 01:50:56 PM  
1 votes:

Yellow Beard: NightSteel: Yellow Beard: My brother and his wife were on that flight. His take on it is a hilarious read.

So share it with the class!

It's kind of long but I got a kick out of it. Here it is unedited----


Does your brother perhaps have a newsletter I could subscribe to?
2014-04-02 01:44:34 PM  
1 votes:

SDRR: Wellon Dowd: Is suffering from asthma or having a nut allergy a requirement to write for Lifehacker?

And autism, ADHD, and celiac disease.


And carrying at least two iDevice
2014-04-02 01:39:09 PM  
1 votes:

Englebert Slaptyback: Don't fly in steerage?

Accommodate your own frailties (tendency to vomit, nut allergy (alleged)) by bringing appropriate medications and sustenance with you?

It's better to spend a few bucks on overpriced items from the shops inside the airport than it is to suffer unnecessarily or - in the case of vomit - to cause those around you to suffer unnecessarily.


Not bringing meds when traveling like this was bone headed.
Not bringing enough sustenance to bring you though the next 33 hours? I'm going to go ahead and say that unless you're going off into the wilds, not bringing such provisions is reasonable.

It's like after a major snowstorm or flood, when people are unexpected trapped in their cars....there is always the parade of "well, it's their own fault, They should be keeping cases of fresh water, plenty of warm dry clothes, snow hiking gear, ....in the car with them".
2014-04-02 01:24:05 PM  
1 votes:
I was stuck in O'Hare overnight a couple New Year's Eves ago.  I didn't realize that qualified me to write  Alive II:One Man, Two Days, Seventy-Two Days, And Insurmountable Odds--The Classic Adventure Of Survival on A Diet of Deepdish and Overpriced Hotdogs.
2014-04-02 12:30:29 PM  
1 votes:
cookies, preferably not filled, Biscoff are the best
3 oranges
good beef jerky, no Slim Jims
2 liters of water in stainless steel bottles
Snickers
generic ondansetron for nausea

I thought the Asian airlines usually had impromptu lingerie shows.

I think I could endure 33 hours of priapism and yellow fever.

assets.nydailynews.com

And a rendition of "Oh, Me So Horny"

Better add Viagra, Cialis and Levitra to the list
2014-04-02 12:10:34 PM  
1 votes:

Noticeably F.A.T.: Super Chronic: Oh boo-hoo. People have been stuck on Malaysia flight 370 for over three weeks and how do you think they feel?

Soggy.


Wrinkly?
2014-04-02 12:08:55 PM  
1 votes:

XMark: So, apparently being bored and slightly hungry for a day and a half is what passes for a "harrowing experience" these days.


Again, you're stuck in a tube surrounded by strangers with a very small amount of personal space.

If you think that sounds groovy and cool to you, I hope I never fly with your type. You're probably the sort that tries to make conversation.
2014-04-02 12:06:45 PM  
1 votes:

sethen320: Throw up on the plane?  Check.
Considers having to sleep on the plane "susrvival"?  Check.
Nut allergies?  Check.
Asthma?  Check.
Considers having to re-watch content on his iPad some form of torture?  Check that too.


So the guy considers having to sleep on a plane "survival"?  What an idiot.  Throwing up all over the place was probably unavoidable for him but still, not cool.  But the thing that really gets me is he has nut allergies (of course he does) and asthma yet he doesn't think to prepare for this before getting on an international flight?  It doesn't matter if he wasn't planning on having to sleep in China, there's always the possibility of your non-checked bags not arriving with you.  This guy is an unprepared whiny little douchebag.

I fly a lot.  There are things which you ALWAYS pack in your carry on bag, NEVER in your checked bags:
Snacks
Medicines
Car Keys
House Keys
Phone Charger
Travel Documents

The keys thing is just a fear of mine.  It would really suck to get home and not be able to drive to your house or get in.


Doh!  I meant there's the possibility of your CHECKED bags not arriving with you.
2014-04-02 12:01:50 PM  
1 votes:
Work yourself into an uncontrollable rage, crack open the skull of a passenger in front of you and feast on the goo inside?
2014-04-02 12:00:40 PM  
1 votes:
As long as her panties are around her ankles, round it up to 40.
therumhowlerblog.files.wordpress.com
2014-04-02 12:00:16 PM  
1 votes:

Coming on a Bicycle: The guy is asthmatic and allergic to nuts. And decided to fly without medication and/or food without nuts. So yeah - it's a bit of an unprepared first-worlder story.


This is what I got from the story as well.  "I had enough entertainment for 33 hours, but forgot any of the things I need to live."
2014-04-02 11:56:19 AM  
1 votes:

Arkanaut: fruitloop: TL;DR

How many people did they eat?

No one, but someone took a small bite out of each passenger.


Clearly, this was not an experienced cannibal. He did not get on that plane expecting to eat anyone.

/KITH FTW
2014-04-02 11:44:26 AM  
1 votes:
Such a boring article why is it even greenlighted?

Summary.
Nerd complaining about:
-Motion sickness
-Peanut allergy
-Boredom
-Not enough games/things to watch on his phone and tablet

I would have thrown him out a window if I were there.
2014-04-02 11:43:35 AM  
1 votes:
Hopefully you didn't pick the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
2014-04-02 11:42:08 AM  
1 votes:

Englebert Slaptyback: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!

What would have happened if 300 significantly or
Mostly American passengers just...got off the plane?

Surely even the Chinese wouldn't do anything crazy...that would be one HELL of an incident...


The people who got off the plane would fall the 17 feet or so to the tarmac, because there would be no jetway or portable stairs outside the door to accommodate them.

That probably would be an incident. Bonus points if the report included the phrase "sacks of wet cement".


So inflate the slides. It was raining right? Bonus water park!
2014-04-02 11:42:05 AM  
1 votes:

Pincy: Worse still, I had forgotten to pack my asthma medication, as I thought I'd be only on the plane until Sydney, meaning I wouldn't need another dose.

Either this guy is a complete idiot or he doesn't really have asthma.  As an actual asthmatic I can tell you that I never ever go anywhere without my inhaler and I would double check a thousand times that I had it with me before I got on a plane for a 15 hour flight.


If it were an American flight, I'd assume he'd be afraid the TSA would confiscate it some sort of futuristic weapon and lock him up.
2014-04-02 11:35:28 AM  
1 votes:
img.fark.net
Just shoot it down.
2014-04-02 11:34:03 AM  
1 votes:
Is suffering from asthma or having a nut allergy a requirement to write for Lifehacker?
2014-04-02 11:31:47 AM  
1 votes:

d23: $HK1000 ($A120)


In American, that's what, like five bucks?
2014-04-02 11:30:56 AM  
1 votes:
What would have happened if 300 significantly or
Mostly American passengers just...got off the plane?

Surely even the Chinese wouldn't do anything crazy...that would be one HELL of an incident...
2014-04-02 11:29:45 AM  
1 votes:
Could have been worse -- you could have been endlessly and mindlessly hypothesized by CNN.
2014-04-02 11:28:28 AM  
1 votes:
Quit biatching....

airfactsjournal.com
2014-04-02 11:28:23 AM  
1 votes:
TL;DR

How many people did they eat?
2014-04-02 11:26:45 AM  
1 votes:
www.trbimg.com

+

ireadfaux.com
2014-04-02 11:24:44 AM  
1 votes:
Eject
2014-04-02 11:23:23 AM  
1 votes:
Take more layovers?
 
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