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(Slate)   New findings from the Romero Institute of Relationships reveals even happily married people have affairs   (slate.com) divider line 63
    More: Obvious, Hanna Rosin, Double X, Dr. Ruth, Antwerp, interpersonal relationship, Esther Perel  
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3554 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Mar 2014 at 1:38 AM (30 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-03-29 11:01:05 AM  

not_an_indigo: Sometimes you just need a thrill.  I get it.  I've thought about doing it.


Your spouse probably has too. People are not naturally monogamous.

And honestly, it's not usually the sex that's the issue. For some people sure, they're possessive and don't want anyone else to ever have what's "theirs", but for most people, the issue with cheating is the betrayal.
 
2014-03-29 11:14:44 AM  

RockofAges: It's pretty clear that socially / culturally, monogamy is innately natural for human pairs, as it has been the standard since the dawn of our existence.


No it hasn't. Read Sex at Dawn. There are lots of cultures that are still not monogamous. Monogamy is a fairly recent, and pretty western, cultural standard.

And even then... it's a cultural standard. If we're all so naturally monogamous, then why do 50% of marriages end in divorce, and even the ones that last have a high rate of infidelity.

Even culturally, in the past we've always treated male infidelity with a wink and a nod for the most part.

RockofAges: Polyamory sounds great on paper, and works for less than 1% of the population. Also, which "natural" state are you talking about? Biologically? Or Socially? Culturally?


How are you defining polyamory? As a group of people who live together? Or do you include swingers in that group. Couples who are dedicated to each other in a marriage, but out getting some on the side every now and then, most people wouldn't necessarily put in the polyamory category, but they're certainly not being monogamous.
 
2014-03-29 11:20:31 AM  

RockofAges: it's not usually the sex that's the issue


Should have addressed this as well. Let me ask you, which would you be more pissed off about. Your spouse going out one night, getting drunk, and having a one night stand with some guy, or your spouse having a 6 month long affair, meeting up behind your back with somebody, developing a close intimate relationship including lots of romance and passionate kissing, but never actually getting down and dirty?

One is a moment of weakness possibly brought on by alcohol, the other is a sustained betrayal where they have lots of time to contemplate exactly how they're treating you. By your logic, you'd be much more pissed off with the one night stand.
 
2014-03-29 11:38:52 AM  

Prey4reign: My brother-in-law, who I always assumed was wildly in love with my sister, shocked me the other day with a tale of a dalliance he had with a delivery girl in his office about 33 years ago.


I've heard stories of The Great Office Coupling of 1981.  Quite the tale.
 
2014-03-29 12:04:35 PM  
sallyinthegalley.net

wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com

sallyinthegalley.net

.. if you know what I mean ..
 
2014-03-29 12:21:20 PM  

stirfrybry: WhoopAssWayne: Only liberals feel this way. Been married for years.

THIS

betrayal must be a liberal thing

Bill Clinton
Gary Hart
Al Gore


Here's a whole list of famous Republican cheaters:  http://zplonk.tripod.com/cheating_republicans.html
 
2014-03-29 12:27:17 PM  

miscreant: And even then... it's a cultural standard. If we're all so naturally monogamous, then why do 50% of marriages end in divorce, and even the ones that last have a high rate of infidelity.


I agree with this.  Relatively few people are truly monogamous---having only one partner for the duration of his or her lifetime.  Most people seem to be "serial monogamous"---monogamous for a while, e.g., for the duration of a relationship, however long that may be, before moving on to a new partner.
 
2014-03-29 02:16:16 PM  
My wife asked me if I was getting any on the side. I answered, "It's been so long, I didn't know they moved it."
 
2014-03-29 03:17:14 PM  
Bullshiat.

Happy couples who respect each other don't have affairs. If you say you're happy and love your partner, but still have an affair, then it's safe to say you were neither of those things.
 
2014-03-29 04:40:31 PM  

WhoopAssWayne: Only liberals feel this way. Been married for years.


Aw Christ.  Here they come.  Come back and be a hypocrite when either you or your spouse cheats.


Highest divorce rates?  Red states.  Sorry to bring facts into this.  I know you're allergic to them and all.
 
2014-03-29 04:46:43 PM  

TwistedFark: rosekolodny: TwistedFark: filter: Yeah, the CDC has that number nailed down.... right. I don't see any reason why the rate of cheating should be lower than the rate of divorce. Secondly the divorce rate is a bit of a false metric, considering how many people get divorced multiple times.

ladyfortuna: "Actual data". Riiiiiight. Because people don't lie about sex, or (probably more often) the urge to be naughty, even if they don't act on it.

Okay, so people are happy to believe the CDC when it comes to stuff like HIV transmission, cancer rates, heart disease, etc, but for some reason you don't believe them when they conclude that only about 20% of married people had more than 1 sexual partner while married. Note: This number also includes people who are in "open relationships", so it's probably even better in favour of monogamy (or fidelity as the case may be) being the norm, and not infidelity.

In any case, it's more factual than the garbage this woman is pushing.

Oh.  So there's some sort of medical test for infidelity now?  You can run an ELISA or Western Blot to test for adultery antibodies?

Self-reporting is notoriously sketchy.  Men inflate the number of sexual partners they have enjoyed, while women downplay the same.  I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I have more confidence in the CDC's HIV statistics than its extramarital-naughty-time statistics.

Don't be stupid. With the sampling size they have there would have to be an obvious and concerted effort for people to lie in order to substantially shift the numbers by more than a percentage point or two.

In any case, what are you arguing? That the number may not be definitive, or that it's off by an order of magnitude? If it's the former, then I'll grant that, because yes, we never really know, if it's the later then you're just a moron - or like this woman have a book to sell.


Oh, simmer down.

Of course I'm not saying it's off by an order of magnitude.  I'm saying that someone who will lie to the spouse may also lie to the surveyor, and that I personally have more confidence in science-science than social-science.  I think this article is pretty good/relevant:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/28/health/28well.html?_r=0
 
2014-03-29 09:05:40 PM  

rosekolodny: Of course I'm not saying it's off by an order of magnitude. I'm saying that someone who will lie to the spouse may also lie to the surveyor, and that I personally have more confidence in science-science than social-science. I think this article is pretty good/relevant:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/28/health/28well.html?_r=0


Holy cats. Great article.

Also,

... survey data show that in any given year, about 10 percent of married people - 12 percent of men and 7 percent of women - say they have had sex outside their marriage.
... the lifetime rate of infidelity for men over 60 increased to 28 percent in 2006, up from 20 percent in 1991. For women over 60, the increase is more striking: to 15 percent, up from 5 percent in 1991.


If ever-in-lifetime rates are really only three times higher than in-the-last-year rates, then there are either a lot of active swingers and polyamorists out there, or a surprising number habitual cheaters. Now I'm curious as to which it is.
 
2014-03-30 03:02:27 AM  

HindiDiscoMonster: Tyrone Slothrop: robohobo: These people are also known as worthless, dishonest scumbags deserving of a scarlet letter.

You sound sexually repressed.

you sound amoral


So, anyone wohas cheated on their partner, in your mind should be forced to have a large "A" panited in red on them at all times, and be, likewise forced, to stand on the balcony of the town hall 2 hours each day, to allow the Moral people to gawk, harrass.

You're truly the Moral one. yessir.
 
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