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(The Intercept)   Her name was Zelda. She was a cryptography enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said "Hey, put an end to all the secrecy by bringing it out in the open"   (firstlook.org ) divider line
    More: Ironic  
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13910 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Mar 2014 at 8:38 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



53 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2014-03-09 08:26:20 AM  
Use the triforce link!
 
2014-03-09 08:39:31 AM  
Whoa baby! I'm not ready for that type of commitment....
 
2014-03-09 08:40:38 AM  
The Columbia Record Club destroyed our marriage!
 
2014-03-09 08:49:45 AM  
As if that doesn't happen in the real world.
 
2014-03-09 08:50:57 AM  
Reminds me of grammar school.
 
2014-03-09 09:00:25 AM  
Headline sounds like the start of the nerdiest short story erotica ever.
 
msP
2014-03-09 09:04:15 AM  
The sad thing is, there are people on Fark young enough to not get this reference. The saddest thing is, I am not one of those people.


/feels so old
 
2014-03-09 09:04:43 AM  

incendi: Headline sounds like the start of the nerdiest short story erotica ever.


You make me sad.  This shouldn't have to be explained.
 
2014-03-09 09:08:45 AM  

msP: The sad thing is, there are people on Fark young enough to not get this reference. The saddest thing is, I am not one of those people.


/feels so old


Not that old! It was only released in 1999.
 
2014-03-09 09:14:18 AM  
Every single morning she would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut.
 
2014-03-09 09:14:23 AM  

Spawncamper: You make me sad. This shouldn't have to be explained.


Not everybody's that into WAY, even on Fark.
 
2014-03-09 09:23:28 AM  
Ashamed to admit that I had to listen to the original to see that she was supposed to be a calligraphy enthusiast.

/thought I had all of the Weird Ones works properly memorized
 
2014-03-09 09:37:24 AM  
I HATE SAUERKRAUT!

/I also lost on Jeopardy.
 
2014-03-09 09:38:53 AM  
Sometimes I try to guess what the story is about by the headline. Many times I am right. This was not one of those times.
 
2014-03-09 09:39:49 AM  
OK, but do they have a house shrink?

i1.ytimg.com
 
2014-03-09 09:46:14 AM  

blurr_grrl: I HATE SAUERKRAUT!

/I also lost on Jeopardy.


It's good for you.
 
2014-03-09 09:47:28 AM  
NO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!
 
2014-03-09 09:51:31 AM  
I started reading the headline like "Copa Cabana" but when I got to the word cryptozoologist I just said "Fark it."
 
2014-03-09 09:52:47 AM  
Governments can't function unless they can keep secrets. But the problem with secrecy is that it protects indiscriminately. Recent revelations have shown that secrecy has been routinely invoked to protect political reputations, unconstitutional activity and colossal government fark-ups rather than matters of national security. Government can regain the respect and trust of its citizens by not doing illegal, immoral or embarrassing shiat with our tax dollars and by punishing those who do.
 
2014-03-09 09:59:12 AM  

NutWrench: Governments can't function unless they can keep secrets.


Why not?
 
2014-03-09 10:01:21 AM  
Meh, she's nothing compared to that dental hygienist with a spatula tattooed on her arm

/ON HER ARM!
 
2014-03-09 10:05:43 AM  
Meanwhile, Snowden's spying for the Russians and Chinese goes totally unremarked on.

Enjoy your smokescreen, tools.
 
2014-03-09 10:05:46 AM  
That's a solid opening. I continued reading. The NSA office sounds like my office. But for the fact that they're watching me poop, the linked article is somewhat comforting.
 
2014-03-09 10:12:58 AM  

Mentalpatient87: NO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!


You got any bearclaws?
 
2014-03-09 10:14:19 AM  

Honest Bender: NutWrench: Governments can't function unless they can keep secrets.

Why not?


If people can't speak honestly to each other without fear of pissing off some unstable but necessary ally, diplomacy would be just about impossible.
 
2014-03-09 10:19:37 AM  
Zelda has a twin sister, Siri, who works in the private sector
 
2014-03-09 10:26:15 AM  

HighlanderRPI: Meh, she's nothing compared to that dental hygienist with a spatula tattooed on her arm

/ON HER ARM!


Well, technically that's a different story but since you're an obvious fan here's an ash tray you can eat your soup out of (it's OK it's clean!)...
img.fark.net


...and don't forget to have a healthy breakfast, every single day!
img.fark.net
 
2014-03-09 10:45:48 AM  
Pretty much as I envisioned it, the amount of self-loathing and paranoia is palpable in every question.  What a horrible gig.
 
2014-03-09 11:09:22 AM  

HighlanderRPI: Meh, she's nothing compared to that dental hygienist with a spatula tattooed on her arm

/ON HER ARM!


I should get a spatula tattooed on my arm. Right undermy Weird Al autograph tattoo!
 
2014-03-09 11:12:57 AM  
You can write Dear Abby anonymously

Dear Zelda .. not so much

/we see what you're doing there
 
2014-03-09 11:17:01 AM  

TofuTheAlmighty: Mentalpatient87: NO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!

You got any bearclaws?


NO! WE'RE OUTTA BEARCLAWS!
 
2014-03-09 11:35:43 AM  

FetusAGoGo: I started reading the headline like "Copa Cabana" but when I got to the word cryptozoologist I just said "Fark it."


Glad I'm not the only one...
 
2014-03-09 12:02:22 PM  

msP: The sad thing is, there are people on Fark young enough to not get this reference. The saddest thing is, I am not one of those people.


/feels so old


The good thing is there are young ones who do get this reference. ..my 15 yr old daughter being one!
 
2014-03-09 12:04:07 PM  
I thought it was supposed to be Woody's letter to Edna
 
2014-03-09 12:20:47 PM  
SETEC ASTRONOMY.
 
2014-03-09 12:28:40 PM  
Dear Zelda,

HEY! HEY! HEY LISTEN! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY LISTEN! LOOK! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY LISTEN! LISTEN! HEY! WATCH OUT! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY LISTEN! HEY!

Navi.
 
2014-03-09 12:49:59 PM  
intermezzo.typepad.com

HOTY material.

/He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life
 
2014-03-09 01:18:23 PM  

the_rhino: TofuTheAlmighty: Mentalpatient87: NO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!

You got any bearclaws?

NO! WE'RE OUTTA BEARCLAWS!


Wait a minute, I'll go check....
 
2014-03-09 01:19:24 PM  
When I was in high school I did the whole Albequrque song as a Humorous Interp for Speech&Debate and got to the Nationals, so I'm getting a kick out of this etc. Good job Subby.

/I jumped in the air and brought my arms and lets behind me when I said "torso boy" and it killed
/didn't stand a chance at Nationals
 
2014-03-09 01:29:53 PM  
Al be quirky

great headline, subby!
 
2014-03-09 02:01:16 PM  

lysdexic: the_rhino: TofuTheAlmighty: Mentalpatient87: NO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!

You got any bearclaws?

Wait a minute, I'll go check....
...
NO! WE'RE OUTTA BEARCLAWS!


Well in that case,  what DO you have?
 
2014-03-09 02:28:56 PM  

DrunkenGator: lysdexic: the_rhino: TofuTheAlmighty: Mentalpatient87: NO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!

You got any bearclaws?

Wait a minute, I'll go check....
...
NO! WE'RE OUTTA BEARCLAWS!

Well in that case,  what DO you have?


All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
 
2014-03-09 02:29:48 PM  
Huh, I guess now we know what Zelda would be like if female.

gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net

/Very hard to find a non-creepy, SFW image for that...
 
2014-03-09 02:42:41 PM  
I'm very disappointed that this wasn't about a box of one dozen starving weasels.
 
2014-03-09 02:55:15 PM  

msP: The sad thing is, there are people on Fark young enough to not get this reference. The saddest thing is, I am not one of those people.


/feels so old


Ditto.
 
2014-03-09 08:04:53 PM  

HairyNevus: Huh, I guess now we know what Zelda would be like if female.

[gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net image 401x556]

/Very hard to find a non-creepy, SFW image for that...


Except that is a female Link, not Zelda.

Zelda is already female. ;)
 
2014-03-09 08:15:35 PM  

Eidola: HairyNevus: Huh, I guess now we know what Zelda would be like if female.

[gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net image 401x556]

/Very hard to find a non-creepy, SFW image for that...

Except that is a female Link, not Zelda.

Zelda is already female. ;)


i322.photobucket.com
 
2014-03-09 08:24:50 PM  
HairyNevus:

[thatsthejoke.jpg]

Oops. Just woke up, guess I missed the funny! ;)
 
2014-03-09 10:13:13 PM  

incendi: Headline sounds like the start of the nerdiest short story erotica ever.


The moral of the headline is "I hate sauerkraut." That's all he's really trying to say. Oh, and if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours there's still a little place called Albuquerque.
 
2014-03-09 10:58:23 PM  

Twilight Farkle: DrunkenGator: lysdexic: the_rhino: TofuTheAlmighty: Mentalpatient87: NO! WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!

You got any bearclaws?

Wait a minute, I'll go check....
...
NO! WE'RE OUTTA BEARCLAWS!

Well in that case,  what DO you have?

All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.


upload.wikimedia.org
 
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