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(SeattlePI)   Researchers find that cows who survive an encounter with wolves can suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder-like symptoms. But, hey, at least you get beef that cuts itself   (seattlepi.com) divider line 38
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741 clicks; posted to Geek » on 07 Mar 2014 at 9:55 AM (19 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-03-07 08:35:26 AM
Obligatory:

[Ford] sat down.

The waiter approached.

"Would you like to see the menu?" he said, "or would you like meet the Dish of the Day?"

"Huh?" said Ford.

"Huh?" said Arthur.

"Huh?" said Trillian.

"That's cool," said Zaphod, "we'll meet the meat."

...

A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table, a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have been an ingratiating smile on its lips.

"Good evening," it lowed and sat back heavily on its haunches, "I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in the parts of my body?"

It harrumphed and gurgled a bit, wriggled its hind quarters in to a more comfortable position and gazed peacefully at them.

Its gaze was met by looks of startled bewilderment from Arthur and Trillian, a resigned shrug from Ford Prefect and naked hunger from Zaphod Beeblebrox.

"Something off the shoulder perhaps?" suggested the animal, "braised in a white wine sauce?"

"Er, your shoulder?" said Arthur in a horrified whisper.

"But naturally my shoulder, sir," mooed the animal contentedly, "nobody else's is mine to offer."

Zaphod leapt to his feet and started prodding and feeling the animal's shoulder appreciatively.

"Or the rump is very good," murmured the animal. "I've been exercising it and eating plenty of grain, so there's a lot of good meat there."

It gave a mellow grunt, gurgled again and started to chew the cud. It swallowed the cud again.

"Or a casserole of me perhaps?" it added.

"You mean this animal actually wants us to eat it?" whispered Trillian to Ford.

"Me?" said Ford, with a glazed look in his eyes, "I don't mean anything."

"That's absolutely horrible," exclaimed Arthur, "the most revolting thing I've ever heard."

"What's the problem Earthman?" said Zaphod, now transferring his attention to the animal's enormous rump.

"I just don't want to eat an animal that's standing there inviting me to," said Arthur, "It's heartless."

"Better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten," said Zaphod.

"That's not the point," Arthur protested. Then he thought about it for a moment. "Alright," he said, "maybe it is the point. I don't care, I'm not going to think about it now. I'll just... er [...] I think I'll just have a green salad," he muttered.

"May I urge you to consider my liver?" asked the animal, "it must be very rich and tender by now, I've been force-feeding myself for months."

"A green salad," said Arthur emphatically.

"A green salad?" said the animal, rolling his eyes disapprovingly at Arthur.

"Are you going to tell me," said Arthur, "that I shouldn't have green salad?"

"Well," said the animal, "I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point. Which is why it was eventually decided to cut through the whole tangled problem and breed an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly. And here I am."

It managed a very slight bow.

"Glass of water please," said Arthur.

"Look," said Zaphod, "we want to eat, we don't want to make a meal of the issues. Four rare stakes please, and hurry. We haven't eaten in five hundred and seventy-six thousand million years."

The animal staggered to its feet. It gave a mellow gurgle. "A very wise choice, sir, if I may say so. Very good," it said, "I'll just nip off and shoot myself."

He turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur. "Don't worry, sir," he said, "I'll be very humane."

It waddled unhurriedly off to the kitchen.
 
2014-03-07 09:46:41 AM
Because PTSD makes you cut yourself?
 
2014-03-07 09:57:22 AM
HGttG sucks.

Also, is it so astonishing that a long-lived animal has a memory that includes trauma?   Next we'll find out that elephants mourn, or that chimps are self aware, or that pain hurts.
 
2014-03-07 09:57:50 AM
EMO COW

mensfame.com
 
2014-03-07 09:58:23 AM

CapeFearCadaver: Because PTSD makes you cut yourself?


To be fair, Fark's aggregate test scores for the internet GED in psychology was somewhere around a D minus.
 
2014-03-07 09:58:53 AM
You mean cows will actually stop themselves from fattening themselves to excess if there's a predator nearby?  Amazing.
 
2014-03-07 09:59:23 AM
This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.
 
2014-03-07 10:03:47 AM

TinyFist: This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.


I'm thinking today's domesticated cattle have not so much in common with their wild ancestors, what with selective, controlled breeding and all.

No different from bison, in that regard.
 
2014-03-07 10:04:05 AM
... another slice of cheesecake?
 
2014-03-07 10:05:58 AM

TinyFist: This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.


Their wild ancestors didn't survive. Aurochs became extinct in the 17th century.
 
2014-03-07 10:06:29 AM

whistleridge: Obligatory:

[Ford] sat down.

The waiter approached.

"Would you like to see the menu?" he said, "or would you like meet the Dish of the Day?"

"Huh?" said Ford.

"Huh?" said Arthur.

"Huh?" said Trillian.

"That's cool," said Zaphod, "we'll meet the meat."

-------------------------------------------

From the other side of the coin.......(Oblig)

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT


"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal!  Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."
 
2014-03-07 10:09:22 AM

TinyFist: This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.


They weren't domesticated. Know any wild bovines you'd fark with?
 
2014-03-07 10:20:34 AM

CapeFearCadaver: Because PTSD makes you cut yourself?


p.vitalmx.com

Where have you been?
 
2014-03-07 10:26:19 AM

Zeb Hesselgresser: Where have you been?


At the Psychologist's office treating my complex PTSD.
 
2014-03-07 10:26:40 AM

whistleridge: Obligatory:{meet the meat at Millyways scene}em>

you could have summarized that glorious routine with:

i1.ytimg.com

 
2014-03-07 10:28:39 AM

wxboy: TinyFist: This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.

I'm thinking today's domesticated cattle have not so much in common with their wild ancestors, what with selective, controlled breeding and all.

No different from bison, in that regard.


it's not like predators would massage the cows before hunting them to get that sweet Kobe meat to fat ratio... amirite?
 
2014-03-07 10:30:06 AM
I don't know.  There might be a few wolves out there who don't scare cows that much:
i.imgur.com
 
2014-03-07 10:37:24 AM

HindiDiscoMonster: whistleridge: Obligatory:{meet the meat at Millyways scene}em>

you could have summarized that glorious routine with:


...except that it's 1/10 as good. :p
 
2014-03-07 10:41:41 AM

TinyFist: How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?


Um, domestication removes their edge.  The cattle we use for entertainment (rodeos, bullfighting) are downright dangerous if you're not careful and they may as well be steaks.  The (extinct) aurochs from which cattle were bred were much more athletic, with larger horns to boot.
 
2014-03-07 10:47:00 AM

dragonchild: TinyFist: How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

Um, domestication removes their edge.  The cattle we use for entertainment (rodeos, bullfighting) are downright dangerous if you're not careful and they may as well be steaks.  The (extinct) aurochs from which cattle were bred were much more athletic, with larger horns to boot.


No snark, a genuine thank you to everyone for helping me understand this.
 
2014-03-07 11:00:53 AM

TinyFist: This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.



The same way Chihuahuas did.
 
2014-03-07 11:02:01 AM
4.bp.blogspot.com

We already have self cutting pigs.
 
2014-03-07 11:09:04 AM

whistleridge: HindiDiscoMonster: whistleridge: Obligatory:{meet the meat at Millyways scene}em>

you could have summarized that glorious routine with:

...except that it's 1/10 as good. :p


no it isn't... that's the BBC one, not the abortion of a film.
 
2014-03-07 11:13:27 AM

HindiDiscoMonster: whistleridge: HindiDiscoMonster: whistleridge: Obligatory:{meet the meat at Millyways scene}em>

you could have summarized that glorious routine with:

...except that it's 1/10 as good. :p

no it isn't... that's the BBC one, not the abortion of a film.


Yes. I know.

But it's still nowhere near as good as the books, IMHO. And plenty of folks might miss the reference. But even someone who has never heard of RATEOTU can read the passage and get the humor.
 
2014-03-07 11:16:35 AM

dennysgod: We already have self cutting pigs.


Emo bacon... It's tears make it taste saltier.
 
2014-03-07 11:30:25 AM

TinyFist: dragonchild: TinyFist: How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

Um, domestication removes their edge.  The cattle we use for entertainment (rodeos, bullfighting) are downright dangerous if you're not careful and they may as well be steaks.  The (extinct) aurochs from which cattle were bred were much more athletic, with larger horns to boot.

No snark, a genuine thank you to everyone for helping me understand this.


Side note: the Cape Buffalo, which is a wild African bovine, is one of the "Big Five" animals considered the most dangerous to hunt on foot. The other four are the lion, elephant, leopard, and rhinoceros. That should give you some idea of how dangerous a bovine adapted to living in the wild can be.
 
2014-03-07 11:32:19 AM

whistleridge: HindiDiscoMonster: whistleridge: HindiDiscoMonster: whistleridge: Obligatory:{meet the meat at Millyways scene}em>

you could have summarized that glorious routine with:

...except that it's 1/10 as good. :p

no it isn't... that's the BBC one, not the abortion of a film.

Yes. I know.

But it's still nowhere near as good as the books, IMHO. And plenty of folks might miss the reference. But even someone who has never heard of RATEOTU can read the passage and get the humor.


yes but 1/10? way too low... at least 3/10 but no more than 4/10... the film on the other hand... 1/100000000 or less.
 
2014-03-07 11:40:10 AM
" .. meat that cuts itself .."

LOL. But .. better not give the GMO/Xenobiology crowd ideas ..
 
2014-03-07 11:57:52 AM
I think about this sometimes when i watch my animal shows. Imagine being an impala in Africa. Your entire life from birth to possibly brutal death is spent on edge, trying to to die. You have to be able to run 20 minutes after you're born. You sleep...you might get killed by a noctornal hyena or lion. You get a drink of water...crocodiles. Every time you hit a corner of pass a tall patch of grass it could be the last hting that you do. Somebody needs to test their aniety levels to figure out how they manage to no go bonkers. Maybe prey animals have a special dope-like substance that allows them to not have a heart attack everyday.
 
2014-03-07 12:22:51 PM

TinyFist: This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.


The last wild ancestors of today's feed and dairy cattle probably looked nothing like what they do today. Selective breeding by humans has produced pretty much all of our modern food animals and crops. When was the last time you saw broccoli growing wild? It doesn't. It, and about 6 other food crops were bred from a wild mustard plant. Dog breeds are the same. Can you imagine a pack of wild poodles on the African plains? (see below)

That's not to say that big, slow, herbivores can't make it in the wild. Don't mess with a hippo. Plus, having worked for a large-animal vet, trying to take blood from the dumbest dairy cow can be hazardous to your health.

www.caninehorizons.com
 
2014-03-07 12:24:50 PM

DROxINxTHExWIND: I think about this sometimes when i watch my animal shows. Imagine being an impala in Africa. Your entire life from birth to possibly brutal death is spent on edge, trying to to die. You have to be able to run 20 minutes after you're born. You sleep...you might get killed by a noctornal hyena or lion. You get a drink of water...crocodiles. Every time you hit a corner of pass a tall patch of grass it could be the last hting that you do. Somebody needs to test their aniety levels to figure out how they manage to no go bonkers. Maybe prey animals have a special dope-like substance that allows them to not have a heart attack everyday.


Having tiny brains with very little frontal lobe and higher cognitive function probably helps.

/just guessing
 
2014-03-07 12:51:25 PM

Alfonse Gregory: The last wild ancestors of today's feed and dairy cattle probably looked nothing like what they do today. Selective breeding by humans has produced pretty much all of our modern food animals and crops. When was the last time you saw broccoli growing wild? It doesn't. It, and about 6 other food crops were bred from a wild mustard plant. Dog breeds are the same. Can you imagine a pack of wild poodles on the African plains? (see below)


This is what the Aurochs (the European ancestor of most domestic cattle) looked like:
upload.wikimedia.org

This is what a Spanish fighting bull looks like:
upload.wikimedia.org

Not a lot of difference there.


The cattle that are raised in my area are free ranged and all the help they really get from the ranchers that own them are some salt licks scattered around and some efforts to make sure water is available. They do remarkably well in an area that lacks wolves but has plenty of coyotes and mountain lions. They don't act particularly concerned by people, but they're pretty far from helpless.

scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net


Domestic dairy cattle or cattle raised for meat entirely on feed lots are certainly a different story. They are to the Aurochs what a pug is to a grey wolf.

Poodles (at least the standard variety) are a lot closer to wolves than you might guess. They were bred for hunting in places where swimming could be necessary and they still retain a great deal of athleticism, useful teeth, and hunting instinct. A health standard poodle could probably fend for itself as well as a German Shepherd.
 
2014-03-07 02:01:27 PM

JesseL: Alfonse Gregory: The last wild ancestors of today's feed and dairy cattle probably looked nothing like what they do today. Selective breeding by humans has produced pretty much all of our modern food animals and crops. When was the last time you saw broccoli growing wild? It doesn't. It, and about 6 other food crops were bred from a wild mustard plant. Dog breeds are the same. Can you imagine a pack of wild poodles on the African plains? (see below)

This is what the Aurochs (the European ancestor of most domestic cattle) looked like:
[upload.wikimedia.org image 800x474]

This is what a Spanish fighting bull looks like:
[upload.wikimedia.org image 450x408]

Not a lot of difference there.


The cattle that are raised in my area are free ranged and all the help they really get from the ranchers that own them are some salt licks scattered around and some efforts to make sure water is available. They do remarkably well in an area that lacks wolves but has plenty of coyotes and mountain lions. They don't act particularly concerned by people, but they're pretty far from helpless.

[scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net image 720x540]


Domestic dairy cattle or cattle raised for meat entirely on feed lots are certainly a different story. They are to the Aurochs what a pug is to a grey wolf.

Poodles (at least the standard variety) are a lot closer to wolves than you might guess. They were bred for hunting in places where swimming could be necessary and they still retain a great deal of athleticism, useful teeth, and hunting instinct. A health standard poodle could probably fend for itself as well as a German Shepherd.


Excellent counterpoints. I overstepped by saying "probably looked nothing like...", and I only chose poodles for the opportunity to post Larsen's "Free Range Poodles" to be honest. But we make the same point. Even a mean-spirited pug is a long way from a grey wolf, and even a bull bred for producing dairy stock can kick some ass, especially one of those free-range longhorns.
 
2014-03-07 06:56:00 PM

whistleridge: Obligatory:

[Ford] sat down.

The waiter approached.

"Would you like to see the menu?" he said, "or would you like meet the Dish of the Day?"

"Huh?" said Ford.

"Huh?" said Arthur.

"Huh?" said Trillian.

"That's cool," said Zaphod, "we'll meet the meat."

...

A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table, a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have been an ingratiating smile on its lips.

"Good evening," it lowed and sat back heavily on its haunches, "I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in the parts of my body?"

It harrumphed and gurgled a bit, wriggled its hind quarters in to a more comfortable position and gazed peacefully at them.

Its gaze was met by looks of startled bewilderment from Arthur and Trillian, a resigned shrug from Ford Prefect and naked hunger from Zaphod Beeblebrox.

"Something off the shoulder perhaps?" suggested the animal, "braised in a white wine sauce?"

"Er, your shoulder?" said Arthur in a horrified whisper.

"But naturally my shoulder, sir," mooed the animal contentedly, "nobody else's is mine to offer."

Zaphod leapt to his feet and started prodding and feeling the animal's shoulder appreciatively.

"Or the rump is very good," murmured the animal. "I've been exercising it and eating plenty of grain, so there's a lot of good meat there."

It gave a mellow grunt, gurgled again and started to chew the cud. It swallowed the cud again.

"Or a casserole of me perhaps?" it added.

"You mean this animal actually wants us to eat it?" whispered Trillian to Ford.

"Me?" said Ford, with a glazed look in his eyes, "I don't mean anything."

"That's absolutely horrible," exclaimed Arthur, "the most revolting thing I've ever heard."

"What's the problem Earthman?" said Zaphod, now transferring his attention to the animal's enormous rump.

"I just don't want to eat an animal that's standing there inviting me to," said Arthur, "It's heartless."

"Better than e ...


Goddamnit. Came to post that and it was done in one.
 
2014-03-07 09:30:57 PM

ChipNASA: whistleridge:

"Huh?" said Ford.

"Huh?" said Arthur.

"Huh?" said Trillian.

"That's cool," said Zaphod, "we'll meet the meat."
-------------------------------------------

From the other side of the coin.......(Oblig)

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT


"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"


Two of my favorite stories in the same thread.  You guys are awesome.

OH and subby?  You magnificent bastard.
 
2014-03-07 09:34:44 PM

generallyso: TinyFist: This has always bugged me.... How the hell did cows survive in the wild before they were domesticated?

They're big, dumb, not exactly light on their feet, and DELICIOUS.

How the hell did their species survive? Seems like they should've been killed off a long, long time ago.


The same way Chihuahuas did.


http://www.krmg.com/news/news/weird-news/packs-wild-chihuahuas-terro ri zing-city/ndTtt/?icmp=cmgcontent_internallink_relatedcontent_2014_part ners1
 
2014-03-07 09:41:08 PM

Alfonse Gregory: JesseL:

Poodles (at least the standard variety) are a lot closer to wolves than you might guess. They were bred for hunting in places where swimming could be necessary and they still retain a great deal of athleticism, useful teeth, and hunting instinct. A health standard poodle could probably fend for itself as well as a German Shepherd.

Excellent counterpoints.  I only chose poodles for the opportunity to post Larsen's "Free Range Poodles" to be honest. But we make the same point.


http://www.amazon.com/When-Wild-Poodles-Earth-Imponderables/dp/00609 24 322
 
2014-03-08 12:01:51 AM
Subby?

+1 with a (golf clap) and a 'WTG'
 
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