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(CBS Charlotte)   Scientists have patented a new machine that will provide orgasms for women at the push of a button, making men totally redundant   (charlotte.cbslocal.com) divider line 60
    More: Dumbass, tags, orgasms, medical implants, machines  
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10799 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Mar 2014 at 6:36 PM (20 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-03-06 06:54:51 PM
19 votes:
. . . if you build it they will come. . . .
gja [TotalFark]
2014-03-06 06:39:04 PM
13 votes:
Orgasm machine for women:
www.blogcdn.com
2014-03-06 07:58:24 PM
10 votes:
TFA mentions this device is similar to the concept of a pacemaker, some models of pacemaker can be unintentionally activated by errant signals from electronic devices, like cell phones. Or if you believe in the great pacemaker hackerconspiracy, some hacker will look for ways to scan for and activate this device for pureamusement.

Scenario:

Steven and his wife Mary, two business professionals from Boston, are at Logan International Airport sitting in the lounge waiting for their flight, a random person sitting maybe ten-feet away gets out their cellphone which unfortunately operates on a similar frequency to that of the remote device for the Mary's orgasm implant.


Mary gets a startled look upon her face, which begins to twitch slightly.


Mary: Mmmm, oohhh (she moans softly but tries to contain it, upon realizing what's happening)


Steven her husband, notices her becoming restless, crossing her legs and looking embarrassed

Steven: Mary, are you okay? (he asks concerned)

Mary: I uh, oh god Steven, I think the implant is activating on its own, I took the battery out of the remote to prevent something like this happening.


Steven leans in closer to her and whispers


Steven: Where's the remote? Put the battery back in and try hitting the off switch.


Mary becoming visibly upset, sweat begins to bead on her brow as she squirms in her seat.


Mary: I can't! (she whimpers) I put it in the checked luggage, it's in the cargo hold of the plane by now!

Steven: Oh god Mary, I... I.. uh, I don't know what to do, I'll call the doctor and see what they say!


Steven quickly starts tapping on his cellphone, trying to pull up the number for the doctor who had implanted the orgasm device.


Mary is doing everything in her power to resist the sensations of the device, she can't stand the thought of loosing her composure in a public place, especially when they're about to board a flight to one of the biggest business meetings in their insurance careers.


Mary's face twitching strongly, she slumps back into her seat and grips the chair with one hand and strongly grips Steven's arm with the other, causing Steven to wince in pain.

Mary: (Mary shrieks uncontrollably) OH GOD! Oooh! AHhhh, No this can't be happening! Not now!


As Mary's cries echo throughout the lounge, passersby stop and start to gather, trying to figure out what's happening. Steven panics and starts waiving his free arm at some nearby TSA agents who have noticed the commotion. A large African American TSA agent walks over quickly and kneels by Mary's side, thinking she's having a heart attack.

Steven: Please! Help us! She needs an ambulance, her.. her.. implant is malfunctioning!

TSA Agent: Stay calm sir, I'll get help here soon, is it a pacemaker that's broken?


Mary's body is writhing in well, not so much pain, but you get the idea. Squirming in her chair wildly, her eyes bulge as she desperately tries to contain what's happening inside her. She whoops and hollers, crying softly to herself. A man passing by makes his way through the crowd and comes over to Mary and Steven, he kneels down next to the kneeling TSA agent, and identifies himself as a Doctor.

Doctor: I'm a doctor, tell me what's happening.


Mary suddenly lets go of the chair and Steven's arm, grabbing the Doctor by the head, she bellows to him:


Mary: I'M A SEX MACHINE AND MY OFF BUTTON IS BROKEN! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET INSIDE ME AND MAKE IT STOP!


A man comes forth from the crowd of onlookers and kneels down next to the kneeling doctor and kneeling TSA Agent. He identifies himself as a Priest.


Preist: I heard you yell something about God and sex, and thought perhaps I could be of some assistance.


Mary doing everything she can to contain herself pleads loudly. Kicking her heels off, she raises her feet up and uses them like hands, gripping the Doctor's neck with her feet, she pulls him towards her nether area and grips his ears with her hands. Looking into his eyes, she screams at him:


Mary: THE BEAST WITHIN HUNGERS!

Doctor: Madam! Please! (he says shocked, as he leans back)


The priest knowing this is getting out of control pulls Steven from his chair to kneel beside him.

Priest: Kneel with us my son, we must pray.


As the Priest gets everyone including the crowd to bow their heads. The TSA Agent, the Doctor, The Priest, and Steven all look up and to their left, they extend their arms and each receive a straw hat and a small oak cane. The lean back and in chorus:

Chorus: SIngs Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline"


- Scene-

Cast:

Betty White as Mary

Lou Ferrigno as Steven

Dennis Rodman as the TSA agent

Ryan Styles as the Doctor

William Shatner as the Priest
2014-03-06 06:37:36 PM
7 votes:
I thought that was called an ATM?
2014-03-06 06:51:11 PM
5 votes:

Molavian: This button here?

[i184.photobucket.com image 400x287]


Nope.  This one.

m.eet.com
2014-03-06 06:49:14 PM
4 votes:
Hey George, why does your garage door keep opening and closing?
Wife must have the wrong remote Fred.
2014-03-06 04:53:32 PM
4 votes:
Apart from building, selling, repairing and profiting from them, you mean.
2014-03-06 07:59:45 PM
3 votes:

MeanJean: If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right


"Piece"?
2014-03-06 06:55:45 PM
3 votes:
24.media.tumblr.com
29.media.tumblr.com
2014-03-06 06:54:39 PM
3 votes:
s18.postimg.org

Doesn't DuranDuran has a patent on this?
2014-03-06 06:44:02 PM
3 votes:
And if this product is vulnerable to remote hacking, the results could be hilarious.  Hit the master override on a crowded subway platform and watch twenty women just fall over.
2014-03-06 06:40:43 PM
3 votes:
www.beertripper.com

Sold!
2014-03-06 05:32:05 PM
3 votes:
They still need someone to reach stuff on the top shelf.


MEN! MEN! MEN!
2014-03-06 07:45:51 PM
2 votes:
And yet, funny enough, a lot of these machines will cease to operate, after becoming sick of their women's shiat.
2014-03-06 07:42:17 PM
2 votes:
Um no. No thanks.

I'm not explaining that to airport security.
2014-03-06 07:37:49 PM
2 votes:
Unless the machine has the power to be wrong in an argument, we're safe.
2014-03-06 07:26:44 PM
2 votes:
1.bp.blogspot.com
/robot not included
2014-03-06 06:59:01 PM
2 votes:

supershaft: Pussmaker?, Pacefaker? Defillulator?


Splooshmaker?
2014-03-06 06:57:05 PM
2 votes:
I bought a Sybian when I was with my ex girlfriend. She was SO excited to try it out.

About 30 seconds in she started shaking and convulsing in fits of pleasure the likes of which I've never seen.

So naturally, in a fit of jealous rage I smashed the sh*t out of that f*cking machine with a hammer.

/f*ck that vibrating saddle of pleasure.
//she wept as I was destroying it.
///hence, "ex" girlfriend.
2014-03-06 06:43:05 PM
2 votes:

Mark Ratner: Is romance dead? Whatever happened to meeting that special someone at the laundry mat, grocery store, church, when volunteering at a soup kitchen or a nursing home, or just picking up trash by the highway? When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.


You forgot be good looking and don't be ugly.
2014-03-06 06:41:58 PM
2 votes:
3.bp.blogspot.com
2014-03-06 06:13:44 PM
2 votes:
That will certainly make for an incredibly awkward episodes of Family Feud.
2014-03-06 05:07:58 PM
2 votes:
intended to be used in the most serious of orgasmic dysfunction cases because the device is as invasive as a pacemaker.

Fark that.  If some woman can find a doctor to give her 50-pounds boobies, I'mma' find me a doctor to implant one of these.
2014-03-06 11:47:44 PM
1 votes:

ShatteredMinds: The end of the Y chromosome was exaggerated:

Reports of Looming Male Extinction Exaggerated
Men's Y Sex Chromosome Is Here To Stay Despite Being 'Puny'; Evolution Will Prevent Male Fertility Genes From Demise, Study Says

Also they're working on an artificial womb and eggs:

Artificial Wombs
Artificial uterus
Artificial human eggs created


This will all end in a Sheri S. Tepper novel.
2014-03-06 10:19:37 PM
1 votes:
Does this pertain only to the vagina?

www.dvdizzy.com

or coitus?
2014-03-06 10:19:09 PM
1 votes:

Mark Ratner: Is romance dead? Whatever happened to meeting that special someone at the laundry mat, grocery store, church, when volunteering at a soup kitchen or a nursing home, or just picking up trash by the highway? When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.


Now you can stalk her, kidnap her, sedate her, implant this device w/o her knowing, release her, and then "introduce" yourself at a later date while giving her a mild tingle that she thinks is "attraction".

What? Why are you looking at me like that?
2014-03-06 09:06:37 PM
1 votes:

que.guero: Until said machine also makes women's friends jealous and pisses off their parents, it'll never take off.


I'd assume that it would actually do both of those things quite well.
2014-03-06 09:04:47 PM
1 votes:
Until said machine also makes women's friends jealous and pisses off their parents, it'll never take off.
2014-03-06 08:56:24 PM
1 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: honk: . . . if you build it they will come. . . .

An-n-nd, we're done here

/someone get the lights


Not yet:
... go the distance ...
2014-03-06 08:41:36 PM
1 votes:

mentallo69: Benevolent Misanthrope: The Stealth Hippopotamus: They still need someone to reach stuff on the top shelf.


MEN! MEN! MEN!

Ummm... no.  I can reach the top shelf, and on top of the upper cabinets.  Hmmm... fix stuff, no... grill, no... defense, no...

Maybe... killing bugs in the kitchen?  (Though I don't have bugs in my kitchen, either)

point proven. its not that women cant do those things. Its the fact you have to go out of your way to let us know you can that is annoying.  I am woman hear me roar shiat.  I'd rather see you make me breakfast


Remember, ladies, when guys start making really stupid sexist jokes, you're not allowed to join in because being independent is annoying...no, really...what's this 'irony meter' you're talking about and why has yours exploded?
2014-03-06 08:27:07 PM
1 votes:
Can it suck on your nipples and fill you up with cum while you climax at the same time?

No?

Well OK then.
2014-03-06 08:23:46 PM
1 votes:

Rhino_man: miss diminutive: This is all academic anyway; men will never be obsolete. They could invent a fully functional android with a fusion-powered pneumatic cock and we'd still need men. Not for squishing spiders or reaching the top shelf, those can be adapted to, but to basically prevent us women from murdering one another.

I'm sure a world without women would result in the same outcome for the men left behind. When I think of the top ten people that I interact with who I really despise and just can't stand...nine of them are women. I'm sure I grace the lists of countless other women as well. I need men to balance out our neurotic energy and rampant emotional backstabbery.

Each sex evolved alongside the other, we're completely co-dependent on one another (not implying that heterosexuality is the only "natural" course either...just that it's the dominant one).

This is about the smartest thing I've ever read in a Fark gender thread... I've never really understood the whole deal with women hating other women.

My girlfriend doesn't have that issue. My (female) best friend does. she just can't farking stand 90% of women, and it baffles me. Thankfully they get along with each other. If they hated one another, I'd have to choose between them and that would be... unfortunate.

Back on topic, though, I would definitely murder someone if I had to be around nothing but men for too long. I've always had almost entirely female friends... even when I got deployed and spent 7 months on a ship with 95% men, I still mostly hung out with the handful of women in my unit. Can't explain it. I guess I just don't approach friendship the way most men do, or something.


I don't hate other women, but I do agree that a lot of what they do annoys the living crap out of me. I'm not immune to doing those things myself on occasion either, and maybe it's that innate hypocrisy that makes it even harder to deal with, I don't know. I have a few select female friends who I'm remarkably close with and we bare our souls to one another, but when it comes to just hanging out casually and regularly, I prefer to be around men more than women.

I just know that the few times I've been involved in virtually all-female scenarios (offices, camps, dorms, conferences etc) they've all followed the same script. A brief period of genuine friendliness and openness followed by a conflict that quickly shatters the amicability and causes the formation of small, tight-knit groups that lead to ever mounting tension and suspicion. It's never lead to violence or anything overly nasty, but given enough time and a complete lack of men to ground us again, the place would go up like a tinderbox.

Just imagine what would happen to all-male armed forces without the structure and discipline of a command hierarchy.
2014-03-06 08:13:10 PM
1 votes:

kayanlau: Why not just stick to the Sybian? It's more entertaining.


Because F*CK THAT STUPID VIBRATING SADDLE FOR SETTING UNREALISTIC STANDARDS FOR WHAT WOMEN EXPECT, THAT'S WHY!!!!

/stupid Sybian.
2014-03-06 08:10:38 PM
1 votes:

MeanJean: Mark Ratner: peace core


If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right.


People don't go into the peace corps because they are literate; people go into the peace corp because they are running away from something.
2014-03-06 08:08:13 PM
1 votes:
media.theoratech.com
2014-03-06 08:02:24 PM
1 votes:

shanteyman: MEN! MEN! MEN!

It's a ship all filled with men, you'll never have to lift the seat, there's no one here but men !


There's men above and men below and men down in the galley.
There's Butch, and Bob, and Biff and Spike, and one guy we call Sally. (And one guy we call Sally)

Men! Men! Men!
It's a ship all filled with men, so baton down the ladies room there's no one here but men.
2014-03-06 08:01:43 PM
1 votes:
Her body will eventually reject it for another implant with better circumstances.
2014-03-06 07:57:21 PM
1 votes:

hammettman: And yet, funny enough, a lot of these machines will cease to operate, after becoming sick of their women's shiat.


So they won't be for anal use is what you're saying.
2014-03-06 07:45:22 PM
1 votes:
This is all academic anyway; men will never be obsolete. They could invent a fully functional android with a fusion-powered pneumatic cock and we'd still need men. Not for squishing spiders or reaching the top shelf, those can be adapted to, but to basically prevent us women from murdering one another.

I'm sure a world without women would result in the same outcome for the men left behind. When I think of the top ten people that I interact with who I really despise and just can't stand...nine of them are women. I'm sure I grace the lists of countless other women as well. I need men to balance out our neurotic energy and rampant emotional backstabbery.

Each sex evolved alongside the other, we're completely co-dependent on one another (not implying that heterosexuality is the only "natural" course either...just that it's the dominant one).
2014-03-06 07:40:37 PM
1 votes:
MEN! MEN! MEN!

It's a ship all filled with men, you'll never have to lift the seat, there's no one here but men !
2014-03-06 07:32:55 PM
1 votes:

Benevolent Misanthrope: The Stealth Hippopotamus: They still need someone to reach stuff on the top shelf.


MEN! MEN! MEN!

Ummm... no.  I can reach the top shelf, and on top of the upper cabinets.  Hmmm... fix stuff, no... grill, no... defense, no...

Maybe... killing bugs in the kitchen?  (Though I don't have bugs in my kitchen, either)


I have been permanently assigned the tasks of "walking the dog at midnight in the rain" "helping her friends move" and "defeating difficult video game mini-bosses before she throws the controller at the TV."

My other skills can be replaced by take-out and a Lelo Ina.
2014-03-06 07:25:15 PM
1 votes:
If thats the case we won't have to put up with their shiat either.
2014-03-06 07:23:53 PM
1 votes:
Headline should've been along the lines of man finally finds female g-spot after all these years.
2014-03-06 07:20:50 PM
1 votes:

Day_Old_Dutchie: [s18.postimg.org image 508x306]

Doesn't DuranDuran has a patent on this?


After she got out of that device, was she hungry like the wolf?
2014-03-06 07:07:05 PM
1 votes:
cinema1544.files.wordpress.com
2014-03-06 07:01:57 PM
1 votes:
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
2014-03-06 07:00:46 PM
1 votes:

worlddan: Mark Ratner:

When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.

I can't figure out if that means you're doing it right...or wrong. Maybe it's so wrong that it's right or that it's so right it's wrong. Totally confused.

BTW, I remember reading a sci-fi story as a kid with this idea where they placed a happiness electrode in people's brain and then people would leave the switch on and die happy.  Anyone recall the name of that story?

media.tumblr.com

2014-03-06 06:58:37 PM
1 votes:
Does it also kill spiders?
2014-03-06 06:58:04 PM
1 votes:
ts2.mm.bing.net
2014-03-06 06:56:23 PM
1 votes:

honk: . . . if you build it they will come. . . .


An-n-nd, we're done here

/someone get the lights
2014-03-06 06:55:14 PM
1 votes:
Stuart Meloy, a surgeon at Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, N.C., came up with idea by accident.

"I was placing the electrodes and suddenly the woman started exclaiming emphatically,"


Which of course leads to the question of why he was placing electrodes on a woman's junk in the first place.
2014-03-06 06:53:40 PM
1 votes:
Wait... headline implies that men can give women orgasms.  When did that start happening?

/always left out of the loop
2014-03-06 06:50:52 PM
1 votes:

Mark Ratner: Is romance dead? Whatever happened to meeting that special someone at the laundry mat, grocery store, church, when volunteering at a soup kitchen or a nursing home, or just picking up trash by the highway? When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.


Wife-like typing detected?
2014-03-06 06:47:34 PM
1 votes:

Benevolent Misanthrope: The Stealth Hippopotamus: They still need someone to reach stuff on the top shelf.


MEN! MEN! MEN!

Ummm... no.  I can reach the top shelf, and on top of the upper cabinets.  Hmmm... fix stuff, no... grill, no... defense, no...

Maybe... killing bugs in the kitchen?  (Though I don't have bugs in my kitchen, either)


point proven. its not that women cant do those things. Its the fact you have to go out of your way to let us know you can that is annoying.  I am woman hear me roar shiat.  I'd rather see you make me breakfast
2014-03-06 06:45:57 PM
1 votes:
Meloy explained that the idea is that orgasms could happen at the push of a button when the implant could be triggered by a hand-held remote control.

If that remote control ever fell into the wrong hands, I could imagine I'd be a menace to the public. Having someone push the button while say, I was driving down the freeway would end.....badly.
2014-03-06 06:41:04 PM
1 votes:
Is romance dead? Whatever happened to meeting that special someone at the laundry mat, grocery store, church, when volunteering at a soup kitchen or a nursing home, or just picking up trash by the highway? When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.
2014-03-06 06:40:18 PM
1 votes:
www.musicvideosdeconstructed.com
2014-03-06 06:02:21 PM
1 votes:
youoffendmeyouoffendmyfamily.com
2014-03-06 05:57:28 PM
1 votes:
The tasp?
2014-03-06 05:10:33 PM
1 votes:
Oh - and WTF makes subby think women depend on men for orgasms?
 
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