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(CBS Charlotte)   Scientists have patented a new machine that will provide orgasms for women at the push of a button, making men totally redundant   (charlotte.cbslocal.com) divider line 37
    More: Dumbass, tags, orgasms, medical implants, machines  
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10814 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Mar 2014 at 6:36 PM (28 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-03-06 07:45:22 PM
7 votes:
This is all academic anyway; men will never be obsolete. They could invent a fully functional android with a fusion-powered pneumatic cock and we'd still need men. Not for squishing spiders or reaching the top shelf, those can be adapted to, but to basically prevent us women from murdering one another.

I'm sure a world without women would result in the same outcome for the men left behind. When I think of the top ten people that I interact with who I really despise and just can't stand...nine of them are women. I'm sure I grace the lists of countless other women as well. I need men to balance out our neurotic energy and rampant emotional backstabbery.

Each sex evolved alongside the other, we're completely co-dependent on one another (not implying that heterosexuality is the only "natural" course either...just that it's the dominant one).
2014-03-06 05:10:33 PM
6 votes:
Oh - and WTF makes subby think women depend on men for orgasms?
gja [TotalFark]
2014-03-06 06:39:04 PM
5 votes:
Orgasm machine for women:
www.blogcdn.com
2014-03-06 06:54:39 PM
4 votes:
s18.postimg.org

Doesn't DuranDuran has a patent on this?
2014-03-06 06:54:51 PM
3 votes:
. . . if you build it they will come. . . .
2014-03-06 04:53:32 PM
3 votes:
Apart from building, selling, repairing and profiting from them, you mean.
2014-03-06 07:37:49 PM
2 votes:
Unless the machine has the power to be wrong in an argument, we're safe.
2014-03-06 07:23:40 PM
2 votes:

AcademGreen: We'll have to invent new underpants to handle the male version, which will be (no pun) coming down the pipeline since male sexuality tends to dominate (IMO) in medicine.


As I grow older, I understand why this is.

You think you're 17 forever.  And for most men, when you look in the mirror, for 20-25 years, you LOOK the same, or at least you don't notice anything different.  But you ARE changing physiologically, and one of the ways in which your body degrades is that, well, your hormones aren't as rampant as when you were 17 and you don't get those awkward 3 hour ragin' woodies anymore.  And this scares you, because the rest of you feels 17 so clearly something has to be wrong.
2014-03-06 07:09:14 PM
2 votes:

miss diminutive: supershaft: Pussmaker?, Pacefaker? Defillulator?

Splooshmaker?


If they can give a woman an orgasm with electrodes implanted in her spine, surely they can give a man an  instant boner with the same technology. That would put viagra and it's headachy, weird blue vision right out of business.
2014-03-06 06:55:45 PM
2 votes:
24.media.tumblr.com
29.media.tumblr.com
2014-03-06 06:41:58 PM
2 votes:
3.bp.blogspot.com
2014-03-07 12:37:55 AM
1 votes:

worlddan: Mark Ratner:

When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.

I can't figure out if that means you're doing it right...or wrong. Maybe it's so wrong that it's right or that it's so right it's wrong. Totally confused.

BTW, I remember reading a sci-fi story as a kid with this idea where they placed a happiness electrode in people's brain and then people would leave the switch on and die happy.  Anyone recall the name of that story?


Death by Ecstasy (Larry Niven). Murder by having a pleasure-stimulating implant on overload, with a cord too short to get to anything like food, a phone, or anything else.
2014-03-06 09:49:34 PM
1 votes:

Gyrfalcon: Lochsteppe: worlddan: Mark Ratner:

When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.

I can't figure out if that means you're doing it right...or wrong. Maybe it's so wrong that it's right or that it's so right it's wrong. Totally confused.

BTW, I remember reading a sci-fi story as a kid with this idea where they placed a happiness electrode in people's brain and then people would leave the switch on and die happy.  Anyone recall the name of that story?

Pretty sure that's one of Spider Robinson's short stories/novellas.  Can't remember the name either atm.

"God is an Iron."


It's also basically the plot of Vonnegut's "The Euphio Question". Though it's a signal from space and not an implant.

We did "Welcome to the Monkey House" in high school and I played the main character in that one. Damned if those weren't some HELLA long speeches to memorize.
2014-03-06 09:35:41 PM
1 votes:

James10952001: At least we still seem to be needed to keep the cars running. I've met a couple of women who could work on cars but most seem to have great difficulty even checking the oil, beats me why, they aren't dumb.


I know a lot more about cars than my husband.  Heck, I bet he doesn't even know how to check his oil level, let alone how to change the oil himself.   His way of avoiding car maintenance is to just buy new cars and take them to the dealership if they need any maintenance.

Oh, and I can kill my own spiders, take out my own garbage, and reach the tops of shelves (I'm 5'9").


I still need him to open jars, though.
2014-03-06 09:06:37 PM
1 votes:

que.guero: Until said machine also makes women's friends jealous and pisses off their parents, it'll never take off.


I'd assume that it would actually do both of those things quite well.
2014-03-06 08:27:07 PM
1 votes:
Can it suck on your nipples and fill you up with cum while you climax at the same time?

No?

Well OK then.
2014-03-06 08:07:53 PM
1 votes:
Rhino_man:

This is about the smartest thing I've ever read in a Fark gender thread... I've never really understood the whole deal with women hating other women.

My own experiments with women on women hate.

http://ghastlycomic.livejournal.com/154785.html

and part 2

http://ghastlycomic.livejournal.com/154978.html
2014-03-06 08:03:31 PM
1 votes:

ChrisDe: Does it also kill spiders?


Or open pickle jars?

Also: holy shiat this is old news. I remember reading about the original case -- the woman undergoing spinal surgery -- a decade or so ago.

Telegraph.co.uk, 2001: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/1320029/A-female-orgasm-at- t he-touch-of-a-button.html
Stuart Meloy, a surgeon at Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants at Winston-Salem in North Carolina, came across the idea for an orgasm-producing device while performing a routine pain-relief operation on a woman's spine.

The procedure involved planting electrodes in the spine and using electrical pulses to modify pain signals passing along the nerves; the patient was conscious to help the surgeon find the best position for the electrodes. Dr Meloy said: "I was placing the electrodes and suddenly the woman started exclaiming emphatically. I asked her what was up and she said, 'You're going to have to teach my husband to do that'."
2014-03-06 08:02:24 PM
1 votes:

shanteyman: MEN! MEN! MEN!

It's a ship all filled with men, you'll never have to lift the seat, there's no one here but men !


There's men above and men below and men down in the galley.
There's Butch, and Bob, and Biff and Spike, and one guy we call Sally. (And one guy we call Sally)

Men! Men! Men!
It's a ship all filled with men, so baton down the ladies room there's no one here but men.
2014-03-06 07:58:24 PM
1 votes:
TFA mentions this device is similar to the concept of a pacemaker, some models of pacemaker can be unintentionally activated by errant signals from electronic devices, like cell phones. Or if you believe in the great pacemaker hackerconspiracy, some hacker will look for ways to scan for and activate this device for pureamusement.

Scenario:

Steven and his wife Mary, two business professionals from Boston, are at Logan International Airport sitting in the lounge waiting for their flight, a random person sitting maybe ten-feet away gets out their cellphone which unfortunately operates on a similar frequency to that of the remote device for the Mary's orgasm implant.


Mary gets a startled look upon her face, which begins to twitch slightly.


Mary: Mmmm, oohhh (she moans softly but tries to contain it, upon realizing what's happening)


Steven her husband, notices her becoming restless, crossing her legs and looking embarrassed

Steven: Mary, are you okay? (he asks concerned)

Mary: I uh, oh god Steven, I think the implant is activating on its own, I took the battery out of the remote to prevent something like this happening.


Steven leans in closer to her and whispers


Steven: Where's the remote? Put the battery back in and try hitting the off switch.


Mary becoming visibly upset, sweat begins to bead on her brow as she squirms in her seat.


Mary: I can't! (she whimpers) I put it in the checked luggage, it's in the cargo hold of the plane by now!

Steven: Oh god Mary, I... I.. uh, I don't know what to do, I'll call the doctor and see what they say!


Steven quickly starts tapping on his cellphone, trying to pull up the number for the doctor who had implanted the orgasm device.


Mary is doing everything in her power to resist the sensations of the device, she can't stand the thought of loosing her composure in a public place, especially when they're about to board a flight to one of the biggest business meetings in their insurance careers.


Mary's face twitching strongly, she slumps back into her seat and grips the chair with one hand and strongly grips Steven's arm with the other, causing Steven to wince in pain.

Mary: (Mary shrieks uncontrollably) OH GOD! Oooh! AHhhh, No this can't be happening! Not now!


As Mary's cries echo throughout the lounge, passersby stop and start to gather, trying to figure out what's happening. Steven panics and starts waiving his free arm at some nearby TSA agents who have noticed the commotion. A large African American TSA agent walks over quickly and kneels by Mary's side, thinking she's having a heart attack.

Steven: Please! Help us! She needs an ambulance, her.. her.. implant is malfunctioning!

TSA Agent: Stay calm sir, I'll get help here soon, is it a pacemaker that's broken?


Mary's body is writhing in well, not so much pain, but you get the idea. Squirming in her chair wildly, her eyes bulge as she desperately tries to contain what's happening inside her. She whoops and hollers, crying softly to herself. A man passing by makes his way through the crowd and comes over to Mary and Steven, he kneels down next to the kneeling TSA agent, and identifies himself as a Doctor.

Doctor: I'm a doctor, tell me what's happening.


Mary suddenly lets go of the chair and Steven's arm, grabbing the Doctor by the head, she bellows to him:


Mary: I'M A SEX MACHINE AND MY OFF BUTTON IS BROKEN! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET INSIDE ME AND MAKE IT STOP!


A man comes forth from the crowd of onlookers and kneels down next to the kneeling doctor and kneeling TSA Agent. He identifies himself as a Priest.


Preist: I heard you yell something about God and sex, and thought perhaps I could be of some assistance.


Mary doing everything she can to contain herself pleads loudly. Kicking her heels off, she raises her feet up and uses them like hands, gripping the Doctor's neck with her feet, she pulls him towards her nether area and grips his ears with her hands. Looking into his eyes, she screams at him:


Mary: THE BEAST WITHIN HUNGERS!

Doctor: Madam! Please! (he says shocked, as he leans back)


The priest knowing this is getting out of control pulls Steven from his chair to kneel beside him.

Priest: Kneel with us my son, we must pray.


As the Priest gets everyone including the crowd to bow their heads. The TSA Agent, the Doctor, The Priest, and Steven all look up and to their left, they extend their arms and each receive a straw hat and a small oak cane. The lean back and in chorus:

Chorus: SIngs Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline"


- Scene-

Cast:

Betty White as Mary

Lou Ferrigno as Steven

Dennis Rodman as the TSA agent

Ryan Styles as the Doctor

William Shatner as the Priest
2014-03-06 07:52:35 PM
1 votes:
I am the one, Orgasmatron. The outstretched grasping hand...
2014-03-06 07:45:51 PM
1 votes:
And yet, funny enough, a lot of these machines will cease to operate, after becoming sick of their women's shiat.
2014-03-06 07:21:38 PM
1 votes:
Failed at finding the video of Sam Kinison's 'Vibrator Boyfriend' bit....
"Hmmmmm....It doesn't seem to be able to pick up the check, does it?"
2014-03-06 07:20:37 PM
1 votes:

Duke_leto_Atredes: No complaints on performance.
Still need us for money and killing spiders.


Money not so much anymore. That's good. But the ability to kill spiders, do heavy lifting, and being a scapegoat to feel superior to will always keep them coming back.
2014-03-06 07:07:05 PM
1 votes:
cinema1544.files.wordpress.com
2014-03-06 06:58:04 PM
1 votes:
ts2.mm.bing.net
2014-03-06 06:53:40 PM
1 votes:
Wait... headline implies that men can give women orgasms.  When did that start happening?

/always left out of the loop
2014-03-06 06:53:08 PM
1 votes:
Redundant my hieney.  Men are like lead rods and women are like uranium.  You take men away from the equation and women will burn down the world.
2014-03-06 06:51:11 PM
1 votes:

Molavian: This button here?

[i184.photobucket.com image 400x287]


Nope.  This one.

m.eet.com
2014-03-06 06:50:52 PM
1 votes:

Mark Ratner: Is romance dead? Whatever happened to meeting that special someone at the laundry mat, grocery store, church, when volunteering at a soup kitchen or a nursing home, or just picking up trash by the highway? When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.


Wife-like typing detected?
2014-03-06 06:49:58 PM
1 votes:
The vibrator was invented 2/100ths of a second after the electric motor was invented.
2014-03-06 06:43:05 PM
1 votes:

Mark Ratner: Is romance dead? Whatever happened to meeting that special someone at the laundry mat, grocery store, church, when volunteering at a soup kitchen or a nursing home, or just picking up trash by the highway? When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.


You forgot be good looking and don't be ugly.
2014-03-06 06:42:41 PM
1 votes:
Not quite.
www.bonappetit.com
2014-03-06 06:02:21 PM
1 votes:
youoffendmeyouoffendmyfamily.com
2014-03-06 05:57:28 PM
1 votes:
The tasp?
2014-03-06 05:32:05 PM
1 votes:
They still need someone to reach stuff on the top shelf.


MEN! MEN! MEN!
2014-03-06 05:07:58 PM
1 votes:
intended to be used in the most serious of orgasmic dysfunction cases because the device is as invasive as a pacemaker.

Fark that.  If some woman can find a doctor to give her 50-pounds boobies, I'mma' find me a doctor to implant one of these.
 
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