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(CBS Charlotte)   Scientists have patented a new machine that will provide orgasms for women at the push of a button, making men totally redundant   (charlotte.cbslocal.com) divider line 217
    More: Dumbass, tags, orgasms, medical implants, machines  
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10832 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Mar 2014 at 6:36 PM (47 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



217 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-03-06 07:46:06 PM  
.....more than they were already.
 
2014-03-06 07:47:02 PM  
Anyone ever have a remote that would splutter out random signals when the battery starts to die...

/gosh dear, you look exhausted... guess its time for some new AAA's.
 
2014-03-06 07:47:13 PM  
If another woman pushed the button, does that mean either or both of them are lesbian?
 
2014-03-06 07:50:18 PM  

mentallo69: men get stuck with a plastic flashlight pus sy.


You know how I can tell you've never used a Fleshlight?  Worth every penny.  So much so that when I left it out and the dog ate it I bought another one.  I mean...a friend of mine told me...I...aw shiat...

Stoya/anal/forbidden insert.  These are the magic words to use when ordering.

Did I mention that it's worth every penny?
 
2014-03-06 07:51:57 PM  
Is this covered by ObamaCare?
 
2014-03-06 07:52:09 PM  

Sgt Otter: Benevolent Misanthrope: The Stealth Hippopotamus: They still need someone to reach stuff on the top shelf.


MEN! MEN! MEN!

Ummm... no.  I can reach the top shelf, and on top of the upper cabinets.  Hmmm... fix stuff, no... grill, no... defense, no...

Maybe... killing bugs in the kitchen?  (Though I don't have bugs in my kitchen, either)

I have been permanently assigned the tasks of "walking the dog at midnight in the rain" "helping her friends move" and "defeating difficult video game mini-bosses before she throws the controller at the TV."

My other skills can be replaced by take-out and a Lelo Ina.


Is she too proud to let you defeat the actual end-level bosses?
 
2014-03-06 07:52:31 PM  

TheOther: If another woman pushed the button, does that mean either or both of them are lesbian?


Only if they push it with their tongue.
 
2014-03-06 07:52:35 PM  
I am the one, Orgasmatron. The outstretched grasping hand...
 
2014-03-06 07:54:20 PM  

Mark Ratner: Is romance dead? Whatever happened to meeting that special someone at the laundry mat, grocery store, church, when volunteering at a soup kitchen or a nursing home, or just picking up trash by the highway? When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.


That was before MOST WOMEN were brainwashed by smartphones and addicted to pills.

/yes i believe it
//stop being a chump
///be nice but dont pick up garbage to get the ladies
////pick up litter anyway
 
2014-03-06 07:55:11 PM  

Mark Ratner: peace core



If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right.
 
2014-03-06 07:57:21 PM  

hammettman: And yet, funny enough, a lot of these machines will cease to operate, after becoming sick of their women's shiat.


So they won't be for anal use is what you're saying.
 
2014-03-06 07:58:24 PM  
TFA mentions this device is similar to the concept of a pacemaker, some models of pacemaker can be unintentionally activated by errant signals from electronic devices, like cell phones. Or if you believe in the great pacemaker hackerconspiracy, some hacker will look for ways to scan for and activate this device for pureamusement.

Scenario:

Steven and his wife Mary, two business professionals from Boston, are at Logan International Airport sitting in the lounge waiting for their flight, a random person sitting maybe ten-feet away gets out their cellphone which unfortunately operates on a similar frequency to that of the remote device for the Mary's orgasm implant.


Mary gets a startled look upon her face, which begins to twitch slightly.


Mary: Mmmm, oohhh (she moans softly but tries to contain it, upon realizing what's happening)


Steven her husband, notices her becoming restless, crossing her legs and looking embarrassed

Steven: Mary, are you okay? (he asks concerned)

Mary: I uh, oh god Steven, I think the implant is activating on its own, I took the battery out of the remote to prevent something like this happening.


Steven leans in closer to her and whispers


Steven: Where's the remote? Put the battery back in and try hitting the off switch.


Mary becoming visibly upset, sweat begins to bead on her brow as she squirms in her seat.


Mary: I can't! (she whimpers) I put it in the checked luggage, it's in the cargo hold of the plane by now!

Steven: Oh god Mary, I... I.. uh, I don't know what to do, I'll call the doctor and see what they say!


Steven quickly starts tapping on his cellphone, trying to pull up the number for the doctor who had implanted the orgasm device.


Mary is doing everything in her power to resist the sensations of the device, she can't stand the thought of loosing her composure in a public place, especially when they're about to board a flight to one of the biggest business meetings in their insurance careers.


Mary's face twitching strongly, she slumps back into her seat and grips the chair with one hand and strongly grips Steven's arm with the other, causing Steven to wince in pain.

Mary: (Mary shrieks uncontrollably) OH GOD! Oooh! AHhhh, No this can't be happening! Not now!


As Mary's cries echo throughout the lounge, passersby stop and start to gather, trying to figure out what's happening. Steven panics and starts waiving his free arm at some nearby TSA agents who have noticed the commotion. A large African American TSA agent walks over quickly and kneels by Mary's side, thinking she's having a heart attack.

Steven: Please! Help us! She needs an ambulance, her.. her.. implant is malfunctioning!

TSA Agent: Stay calm sir, I'll get help here soon, is it a pacemaker that's broken?


Mary's body is writhing in well, not so much pain, but you get the idea. Squirming in her chair wildly, her eyes bulge as she desperately tries to contain what's happening inside her. She whoops and hollers, crying softly to herself. A man passing by makes his way through the crowd and comes over to Mary and Steven, he kneels down next to the kneeling TSA agent, and identifies himself as a Doctor.

Doctor: I'm a doctor, tell me what's happening.


Mary suddenly lets go of the chair and Steven's arm, grabbing the Doctor by the head, she bellows to him:


Mary: I'M A SEX MACHINE AND MY OFF BUTTON IS BROKEN! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET INSIDE ME AND MAKE IT STOP!


A man comes forth from the crowd of onlookers and kneels down next to the kneeling doctor and kneeling TSA Agent. He identifies himself as a Priest.


Preist: I heard you yell something about God and sex, and thought perhaps I could be of some assistance.


Mary doing everything she can to contain herself pleads loudly. Kicking her heels off, she raises her feet up and uses them like hands, gripping the Doctor's neck with her feet, she pulls him towards her nether area and grips his ears with her hands. Looking into his eyes, she screams at him:


Mary: THE BEAST WITHIN HUNGERS!

Doctor: Madam! Please! (he says shocked, as he leans back)


The priest knowing this is getting out of control pulls Steven from his chair to kneel beside him.

Priest: Kneel with us my son, we must pray.


As the Priest gets everyone including the crowd to bow their heads. The TSA Agent, the Doctor, The Priest, and Steven all look up and to their left, they extend their arms and each receive a straw hat and a small oak cane. The lean back and in chorus:

Chorus: SIngs Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline"


- Scene-

Cast:

Betty White as Mary

Lou Ferrigno as Steven

Dennis Rodman as the TSA agent

Ryan Styles as the Doctor

William Shatner as the Priest
 
2014-03-06 07:58:38 PM  

MeanJean: Mark Ratner: peace core


If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right.


Poe's Law. For some reason I think he's legitimate.
 
2014-03-06 07:58:46 PM  
"...making men totally redundant"

So, this machine dispenses money?
 
2014-03-06 07:59:45 PM  

MeanJean: If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right


"Piece"?
 
2014-03-06 08:00:45 PM  

miss diminutive: This is all academic anyway; men will never be obsolete. They could invent a fully functional android with a fusion-powered pneumatic cock and we'd still need men. Not for squishing spiders or reaching the top shelf, those can be adapted to, but to basically prevent us women from murdering one another.

I'm sure a world without women would result in the same outcome for the men left behind. When I think of the top ten people that I interact with who I really despise and just can't stand...nine of them are women. I'm sure I grace the lists of countless other women as well. I need men to balance out our neurotic energy and rampant emotional backstabbery.

Each sex evolved alongside the other, we're completely co-dependent on one another (not implying that heterosexuality is the only "natural" course either...just that it's the dominant one).


This is about the smartest thing I've ever read in a Fark gender thread... I've never really understood the whole deal with women hating other women.

My girlfriend doesn't have that issue. My (female) best friend does. she just can't farking stand 90% of women, and it baffles me. Thankfully they get along with each other. If they hated one another, I'd have to choose between them and that would be... unfortunate.

Back on topic, though, I would definitely murder someone if I had to be around nothing but men for too long. I've always had almost entirely female friends... even when I got deployed and spent 7 months on a ship with 95% men, I still mostly hung out with the handful of women in my unit. Can't explain it. I guess I just don't approach friendship the way most men do, or something.
 
2014-03-06 08:01:43 PM  
Her body will eventually reject it for another implant with better circumstances.
 
2014-03-06 08:02:24 PM  

shanteyman: MEN! MEN! MEN!

It's a ship all filled with men, you'll never have to lift the seat, there's no one here but men !


There's men above and men below and men down in the galley.
There's Butch, and Bob, and Biff and Spike, and one guy we call Sally. (And one guy we call Sally)

Men! Men! Men!
It's a ship all filled with men, so baton down the ladies room there's no one here but men.
 
2014-03-06 08:03:31 PM  

ChrisDe: Does it also kill spiders?


Or open pickle jars?

Also: holy shiat this is old news. I remember reading about the original case -- the woman undergoing spinal surgery -- a decade or so ago.

Telegraph.co.uk, 2001: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/1320029/A-female-orgasm-at- t he-touch-of-a-button.html
Stuart Meloy, a surgeon at Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants at Winston-Salem in North Carolina, came across the idea for an orgasm-producing device while performing a routine pain-relief operation on a woman's spine.

The procedure involved planting electrodes in the spine and using electrical pulses to modify pain signals passing along the nerves; the patient was conscious to help the surgeon find the best position for the electrodes. Dr Meloy said: "I was placing the electrodes and suddenly the woman started exclaiming emphatically. I asked her what was up and she said, 'You're going to have to teach my husband to do that'."
 
2014-03-06 08:05:08 PM  
Does it make money and mow the yard too?
 
2014-03-06 08:06:12 PM  
At my house it's this machine that would be redundant :)
 
2014-03-06 08:07:31 PM  

ChrisDe: Does it also kill spiders?


That's what butch lesbians are for.
 
2014-03-06 08:07:53 PM  
Rhino_man:

This is about the smartest thing I've ever read in a Fark gender thread... I've never really understood the whole deal with women hating other women.

My own experiments with women on women hate.

http://ghastlycomic.livejournal.com/154785.html

and part 2

http://ghastlycomic.livejournal.com/154978.html
 
2014-03-06 08:08:13 PM  
media.theoratech.com
 
2014-03-06 08:09:10 PM  
Why not just stick to the Sybian? It's more entertaining.
 
2014-03-06 08:10:28 PM  

walktoanarcade: MeanJean: Mark Ratner: peace core


If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right.

Poe's Law. For some reason I think he's legitimate.


hahaha...no I'm not. actually, I did want to join the peace corps, but I was young, and my parents talked me out of it. It's a choice I still regret.
 
2014-03-06 08:10:38 PM  

MeanJean: Mark Ratner: peace core


If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right.


People don't go into the peace corps because they are literate; people go into the peace corp because they are running away from something.
 
2014-03-06 08:13:10 PM  

kayanlau: Why not just stick to the Sybian? It's more entertaining.


Because F*CK THAT STUPID VIBRATING SADDLE FOR SETTING UNREALISTIC STANDARDS FOR WHAT WOMEN EXPECT, THAT'S WHY!!!!

/stupid Sybian.
 
2014-03-06 08:14:29 PM  
exclaiming emphatically is the new  oh God, oh God.
 
2014-03-06 08:14:31 PM  

Mark Ratner: walktoanarcade: MeanJean: Mark Ratner: peace core


If you were really in the Peace Corps you'd spell it right.

Poe's Law. For some reason I think he's legitimate.

hahaha...no I'm not. actually, I did want to join the peace corps, but I was young, and my parents talked me out of it. It's a choice I still regret.


Ah, feels good to be wrong for once.

Hey, life can be what you make it..maybe there was a good reason for you to have missed that boat, so to speak.
 
2014-03-06 08:15:32 PM  

worlddan: Mark Ratner:

When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.

I can't figure out if that means you're doing it right...or wrong. Maybe it's so wrong that it's right or that it's so right it's wrong. Totally confused.

BTW, I remember reading a sci-fi story as a kid with this idea where they placed a happiness electrode in people's brain and then people would leave the switch on and die happy.  Anyone recall the name of that story?


You might be thinking of "The Terminal Man" by Michael Crichton. Guy has an electrode implanted in his brain to short-circuit severe epilepsy episodes - gives him a wave of ecstasy instead. His brain begins to trigger more epilepsy to get more ecstasy, lather, rise, repeat until he kind of explodes.
 
2014-03-06 08:16:07 PM  

Lochsteppe: TheOther: If another woman pushed the button, does that mean either or both of them are lesbian?

Only if they push it with their tongue.


It's a slippery slope...
 
2014-03-06 08:16:29 PM  
Each sex evolved alongside the other, we're completely co-dependent on one another

We can turn stem cells into sperm.  There's also some debate as to whether or not the Y chromosome will decay within 5M years.  Men could be made obsolete.
 
2014-03-06 08:16:40 PM  

Fizpez: Anyone ever have a remote that would splutter out random signals when the battery starts to die...

/gosh dear, you look exhausted... guess its time for some new AAA's.


As I recall garage door openers operated on the same frequencies as the Secret Service or something to do with the President.

There were stories about when even Reagan would go to his ranch in Santa Barbara (in a helicopter with military helicopter escort from LAX) thousands of automatic garage doors would mysteriously open.
 
2014-03-06 08:18:01 PM  
Hacked you say , death by electronic stimulated orgasm , PROFIT!
 
2014-03-06 08:18:07 PM  

strangeluck: TFA mentions this device is similar to the concept of a pacemaker, some models of pacemaker can be unintentionally activated by errant signals from electronic devices, like cell phones. Or if you believe in the great pacemaker hackerconspiracy, some hacker will look for ways to scan for and activate this device for pureamusement.

Scenario:

Steven and his wife Mary, two business professionals from Boston, are at Logan International Airport sitting in the lounge waiting for their flight, a random person sitting maybe ten-feet away gets out their cellphone which unfortunately operates on a similar frequency to that of the remote device for the Mary's orgasm implant.


Mary gets a startled look upon her face, which begins to twitch slightly.
Mary: Mmmm, oohhh (she moans softly but tries to contain it, upon realizing what's happening)


Steven her husband, notices her becoming restless, crossing her legs and looking embarrassedSteven: Mary, are you okay? (he asks concerned)

Mary: I uh, oh god Steven, I think the implant is activating on its own, I took the battery out of the remote to prevent something like this happening.


Steven leans in closer to her and whispers
Steven: Where's the remote? Put the battery back in and try hitting the off switch.


Mary becoming visibly upset, sweat begins to bead on her brow as she squirms in her seat.
Mary: I can't! (she whimpers) I put it in the checked luggage, it's in the cargo hold of the plane by now!

Steven: Oh god Mary, I... I.. uh, I don't know what to do, I'll call the doctor and see what they say!


Steven quickly starts tapping on his cellphone, trying to pull up the number for the doctor who had implanted the orgasm device.
Mary is doing everything in her power to resist the sensations of the device, she can't stand the thought of loosing her composure in a public place, especially when they're about to board a flight to one of the biggest business meetings in their insurance careers.
Mary's face twitching strongly, ...


You write for Penthouse don't you?

/fap fap fap
 
2014-03-06 08:19:03 PM  
Lemme see now, Scottrade, Enter, Password, Enter, Duracell, Enter.....
 
2014-03-06 08:23:46 PM  

Rhino_man: miss diminutive: This is all academic anyway; men will never be obsolete. They could invent a fully functional android with a fusion-powered pneumatic cock and we'd still need men. Not for squishing spiders or reaching the top shelf, those can be adapted to, but to basically prevent us women from murdering one another.

I'm sure a world without women would result in the same outcome for the men left behind. When I think of the top ten people that I interact with who I really despise and just can't stand...nine of them are women. I'm sure I grace the lists of countless other women as well. I need men to balance out our neurotic energy and rampant emotional backstabbery.

Each sex evolved alongside the other, we're completely co-dependent on one another (not implying that heterosexuality is the only "natural" course either...just that it's the dominant one).

This is about the smartest thing I've ever read in a Fark gender thread... I've never really understood the whole deal with women hating other women.

My girlfriend doesn't have that issue. My (female) best friend does. she just can't farking stand 90% of women, and it baffles me. Thankfully they get along with each other. If they hated one another, I'd have to choose between them and that would be... unfortunate.

Back on topic, though, I would definitely murder someone if I had to be around nothing but men for too long. I've always had almost entirely female friends... even when I got deployed and spent 7 months on a ship with 95% men, I still mostly hung out with the handful of women in my unit. Can't explain it. I guess I just don't approach friendship the way most men do, or something.


I don't hate other women, but I do agree that a lot of what they do annoys the living crap out of me. I'm not immune to doing those things myself on occasion either, and maybe it's that innate hypocrisy that makes it even harder to deal with, I don't know. I have a few select female friends who I'm remarkably close with and we bare our souls to one another, but when it comes to just hanging out casually and regularly, I prefer to be around men more than women.

I just know that the few times I've been involved in virtually all-female scenarios (offices, camps, dorms, conferences etc) they've all followed the same script. A brief period of genuine friendliness and openness followed by a conflict that quickly shatters the amicability and causes the formation of small, tight-knit groups that lead to ever mounting tension and suspicion. It's never lead to violence or anything overly nasty, but given enough time and a complete lack of men to ground us again, the place would go up like a tinderbox.

Just imagine what would happen to all-male armed forces without the structure and discipline of a command hierarchy.
 
2014-03-06 08:26:56 PM  

SmackLT: mentallo69: women get all the best sex toys, men get stuck with a plastic flashlight pus sy.

Be patient; we're all waiting for them to perfect sexbot technology.


What astounds me is they WILL do it someday. I probably won't be around but they'll be amazing. Men in the future will wonder how we mustered the will to live our lives without them.
 
2014-03-06 08:27:07 PM  
Can it suck on your nipples and fill you up with cum while you climax at the same time?

No?

Well OK then.
 
2014-03-06 08:27:39 PM  

miss diminutive: Rhino_man: miss diminutive: This is all academic anyway; men will never be obsolete. They could invent a fully functional android with a fusion-powered pneumatic cock and we'd still need men. Not for squishing spiders or reaching the top shelf, those can be adapted to, but to basically prevent us women from murdering one another.

I'm sure a world without women would result in the same outcome for the men left behind. When I think of the top ten people that I interact with who I really despise and just can't stand...nine of them are women. I'm sure I grace the lists of countless other women as well. I need men to balance out our neurotic energy and rampant emotional backstabbery.

Each sex evolved alongside the other, we're completely co-dependent on one another (not implying that heterosexuality is the only "natural" course either...just that it's the dominant one).

This is about the smartest thing I've ever read in a Fark gender thread... I've never really understood the whole deal with women hating other women.

My girlfriend doesn't have that issue. My (female) best friend does. she just can't farking stand 90% of women, and it baffles me. Thankfully they get along with each other. If they hated one another, I'd have to choose between them and that would be... unfortunate.

Back on topic, though, I would definitely murder someone if I had to be around nothing but men for too long. I've always had almost entirely female friends... even when I got deployed and spent 7 months on a ship with 95% men, I still mostly hung out with the handful of women in my unit. Can't explain it. I guess I just don't approach friendship the way most men do, or something.

I don't hate other women, but I do agree that a lot of what they do annoys the living crap out of me. I'm not immune to doing those things myself on occasion either, and maybe it's that innate hypocrisy that makes it even harder to deal with, I don't know. I have a few select female friends who I'm remarkably close with and we bare our souls to one another, but when it comes to just hanging out casually and regularly, I prefer to be around men more than women.

I just know that the few times I've been involved in virtually all-female scenarios (offices, camps, dorms, conferences etc) they've all followed the same script. A brief period of genuine friendliness and openness followed by a conflict that quickly shatters the amicability and causes the formation of small, tight-knit groups that lead to ever mounting tension and suspicion. It's never lead to violence or anything overly nasty, but given enough time and a complete lack of men to ground us again, the place would go up like a tinderbox.

Just imagine what would happen to all-male armed forces without the structure and discipline of a command hierarchy.


Your hypothetical scenario of an all-male military without a hierarchy is a bit unrealistic, since groups of men are generally hierarchical on their own. That's part of why I can't stand it.

Groups of men form chains of command. Groups of women form cliques. As a man who mostly has female friends, I never have to deal with either one... just the occasional rant about how Megan is such a biatch or some such thing.
 
2014-03-06 08:28:08 PM  
There's no reason why this wouldn't be possible for men, either. It might involve the prostate so it would probably be a hard sell to most guys, however.
Personally, not even on-demand orgasms would dampen my paranoia for spinal surgery.
 
2014-03-06 08:32:20 PM  

uncoveror: I am the one, Orgasmatron. The outstretched grasping hand...


i saw them on that tour. awesome show.
 
2014-03-06 08:35:42 PM  

gnosis301: Wasn't this an ongoing comic in Penthouse or something?


Druuna?
 
2014-03-06 08:37:11 PM  

Rhino_man: Your hypothetical scenario of an all-male military without a hierarchy is a bit unrealistic, since groups of men are generally hierarchical on their own. That's part of why I can't stand it.


Valid point. Although just because men are more hierarchical in nature doesn't mean they'll all agree to the structure or leadership of the hierarchy. I think history is rife with examples where just such a situation has led to disaster.

Rhino_man: Groups of men form chains of command. Groups of women form cliques. As a man who mostly has female friends, I never have to deal with either one... just the occasional rant about how Megan is such a biatch or some such thing.


Megan from accounting? Royal biatch.
 
2014-03-06 08:41:08 PM  

divx88: Headline should've been along the lines of man finally finds female g-spot after all these years.


That will never happen.
 
2014-03-06 08:41:36 PM  

mentallo69: Benevolent Misanthrope: The Stealth Hippopotamus: They still need someone to reach stuff on the top shelf.


MEN! MEN! MEN!

Ummm... no.  I can reach the top shelf, and on top of the upper cabinets.  Hmmm... fix stuff, no... grill, no... defense, no...

Maybe... killing bugs in the kitchen?  (Though I don't have bugs in my kitchen, either)

point proven. its not that women cant do those things. Its the fact you have to go out of your way to let us know you can that is annoying.  I am woman hear me roar shiat.  I'd rather see you make me breakfast


Remember, ladies, when guys start making really stupid sexist jokes, you're not allowed to join in because being independent is annoying...no, really...what's this 'irony meter' you're talking about and why has yours exploded?
 
2014-03-06 08:46:07 PM  
Well that is one less thing I have to offer.
 
2014-03-06 08:50:10 PM  

Lochsteppe: worlddan: Mark Ratner:

When I was in the peace core, I got so much pussy. Be a good person, and you might get laid.

I can't figure out if that means you're doing it right...or wrong. Maybe it's so wrong that it's right or that it's so right it's wrong. Totally confused.

BTW, I remember reading a sci-fi story as a kid with this idea where they placed a happiness electrode in people's brain and then people would leave the switch on and die happy.  Anyone recall the name of that story?

Pretty sure that's one of Spider Robinson's short stories/novellas.  Can't remember the name either atm.


"God is an Iron."
 
2014-03-06 08:51:18 PM  

Day_Old_Dutchie: [s18.postimg.org image 508x306]

Doesn't DuranDuran Durand Durand has a patent on this?


At least get the name right, man.

bingethinker: After she got out of that device, was she hungry like the wolf?


You must write for a comedy show.
 
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