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(Plymouth Herald)   Aftershave has desired effect--if desired effect was prompting a cat to leap onto a man's head and try to rip his face off   (plymouthherald.co.uk) divider line 72
    More: Scary, adverse effect, facial injury, cats, Vaseline  
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5271 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Mar 2014 at 10:35 AM (28 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



72 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-03-03 09:57:43 AM
Well, the salesman told him he'd get attacked by pussy.
 
2014-03-03 10:00:07 AM
img.fark.net
 
2014-03-03 10:01:19 AM
I go for Aramis myself.

I was attacked by a puma once.
 
2014-03-03 10:37:03 AM
(insert joke about pussy on his face)
 
2014-03-03 10:38:59 AM
It's got bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
 
2014-03-03 10:39:41 AM
I use Nivea, alcohol-free.

I always use an aftershave with little or no alcohol; alcohol can dry out the face and make you look older.
 
2014-03-03 10:40:40 AM
The animal-loving couple, who have four cats, two dogs and several tarantulas, say Blue has never attacked anyone before but does react strangely to odours.

This could have been much, MUCH worse.

/fark spiders
 
2014-03-03 10:42:54 AM
I didn't realize PHOBIA was an acronym.

Oh, that's right, it isn't. The author is just an idiot.
 
2014-03-03 10:43:38 AM
Hugo Boss
Makes your cat act rough
That won't happen
With our stuff.

Burma Shave
 
GBB
2014-03-03 10:44:32 AM
www.thenug.com
 
2014-03-03 10:44:55 AM
Too bad it wasn't Hai Karate. It comes with martial arts instructions.

houghtalingsheep.homestead.com
 
2014-03-03 10:45:33 AM
Just being batshiat crazy and attacking for no apparent reason is kind of trademark cat behaviour in my experience.
 
2014-03-03 10:50:22 AM
Heh, I wish I was allowed to do that.
 
2014-03-03 10:51:52 AM

Orgasmatron138: I use Nivea, alcohol-free.

I always use an aftershave with little or no alcohol; alcohol can dry out the face and make you look older.


i1.ytimg.com
That's amazing...is it because there's no alcohol in it?
 
2014-03-03 10:51:59 AM

VladTheEmailer: Just being batshiat crazy and attacking for no apparent reason is kind of trademark cat behaviour in my experience.


^Pretty much this.^
 
2014-03-03 10:53:49 AM

Orgasmatron138: I use Nivea, alcohol-free.

I always use an aftershave with little or no alcohol; alcohol can dry out the face and make you look older.


I have to return some videotapes.
 
2014-03-03 10:54:28 AM
It's really quite pungent.
 
2014-03-03 10:55:23 AM
Obligatory Requisit-t-t-t-t-t-t (video)
 
2014-03-03 10:55:51 AM
You know who else wore Hugo Boss?
 
2014-03-03 10:57:18 AM
Say it, don't spray it.
 
2014-03-03 11:01:28 AM
Thats to be expected if youre wearing another Cat's Piss.
Could have been my piss for all he knows.
I get strong reactions wherever i piss.
gives a new meaning to 'takin the piss'
 
2014-03-03 11:04:00 AM
I've actually seen this movie... Seriously, there's a craptacular Italian giallo film from 1972 where a cat is the murder weapon: it attacks yellow scarves dipped in a chemical that causes cats to go berserk. Unfortunately for whoever holds said scarf, the cat's claws are dipped in curare. One quick scratch to the neck, one scream, cat is taken away before anyone notices it.
IMDB
 
2014-03-03 11:05:52 AM
They can replace Calvin Kline for catching big cats.

To the Bat-Computer, Robin!
 
2014-03-03 11:06:19 AM

GBB: [www.thenug.com image 500x300]


My god. It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
 
2014-03-03 11:08:13 AM
Commercial fragrances sometimes use odd substances. Ambergris, for example. Many  of them use a chemical from the anal glands of the civet which the civet uses to mark its territory. The cat could have felt the guy was picking a fight.

/No clue.
 
2014-03-03 11:10:02 AM

yakmans_dad: Commercial fragrances sometimes use odd substances. Ambergris, for example. Many  of them use a chemical from the anal glands of the civet which the civet uses to mark its territory. The cat could have felt the guy was picking a fight.

/No clue.


I always thought Georgio Red smelled of urine and was also very high priced.  WTF?
 
2014-03-03 11:10:54 AM
I know phony sweat when I smell it.  When I first came in I thought you were Larry Bird.
 
2014-03-03 11:12:48 AM
Everyone knows you use ear wax to befriend a cat, not aftershave.
 
2014-03-03 11:12:54 AM
Wakes you up like a cold cat to the face.
 
2014-03-03 11:14:05 AM
Better than the Axe effect.

Turns this

wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com

into this

media.heavy.comLET ME AXE YOU A QUESTION!!
 
2014-03-03 11:16:00 AM
"The normally-placid puss leapt up at Ian and began clawing at his neck and ears as soon as it got a whiff of his pricey eau de toilette."

img.fark.net
 
2014-03-03 11:21:38 AM

Orgasmatron138: I use Nivea, alcohol-free.

I always use an aftershave with little or no alcohol; alcohol can dry out the face and make you look older.


Hmm, I could stand to look a little older....

But the AS I use was always the little aloe moisturizing one from Gilette, which has been getting increasingly harder to find amidst all the little prissy perfume bottle aftershaves. Would be a nice change of pace if someone else started making something similar, because fark brand loyalty. However, I'm not about to start going to Whore Foods to pick up their funky tree sap aftershave, though.
 
2014-03-03 11:24:53 AM
Is the Plymouth Herald a re-badged Daily Mail or something? I feel like I'm reading Daily Mail
 
2014-03-03 11:29:24 AM
img512.imageshack.us
 
2014-03-03 11:33:29 AM
CSB
july2003, fallujah, iraq.
My squad was sitting around having our daily "talk about anything except what's going on outside the wire" time. The topic of the day was what's the worst way you can think to hurt someone without a weapon. Fire, vehicle, thrown off a building, pecked to death by vultures. All sorts of things. I said throwing a cat in someone's face because the more they pull the more the cat would dig in. It was a hilarious thought.
end CSB
\after reading this article my sides hurt from laughing.
 
2014-03-03 11:34:27 AM
img.fark.net
 
2014-03-03 11:44:43 AM
A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

i.imgur.com
 
2014-03-03 11:57:15 AM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


Goddamn, hairy Jesus, invest in a beard trimmer.
 
2014-03-03 12:01:15 PM
Sounds like the script for the next Old Spice commercial.

/Man, those commercials are weird.
 
2014-03-03 12:11:16 PM
To be fair to the cat, poseurs running around in strong aftershave make me want to rip someone's face off too.
 
2014-03-03 12:14:07 PM
Well, he wanted his face buried in a little pusy didn't he?
 
2014-03-03 12:14:45 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


Paint eyes on lids so he thinks you're watching him
 
2014-03-03 12:17:40 PM
My cat loves the smell of my sweat. I have to remove him from my armpits after I come home from the gym. Very gently or he'll latch on.

/so I'm thinking this aftershave smells just like my armpits. Mmm.
 
2014-03-03 12:21:52 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


Helped my sister move a couple weeks ago; her normally friendly, docile Maine Coon that's known me all its life had a little panic attack when I tried to put him in the carrier...I wound up with a piss-soaked T-shirt, two shredded forearms, and bite marks all over three of my fingers that required IV antibiotics to treat; the part that really shocked me is that he wasn't just trying to escape, he was actually trying to "neutralize" me - I let go of him as soon as he bit me the first time, but he kept coming back at me (this is a big farkin' cat, mind you); I had to toss him into the hallway after he lunged at my face a couple times, and he finally ran and hid.  I've been bitten by a few cats and dogs over the years, but never actually attacked by an animal before this...it was so surreal I didn't even feel anything until about an hour after it happened.

I was over at the new place just yesterday, lil' bastard was in my lap rubbing on me like nothing ever happened...
 
2014-03-03 12:22:46 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


Next time, you'll know to make it a goddamn sandwich.
 
2014-03-03 12:24:51 PM
BTW this is the funniest goddamn thread I've read in awhile.
 
2014-03-03 12:25:25 PM

Loaf's Tray: ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]

Helped my sister move a couple weeks ago; her normally friendly, docile Maine Coon that's known me all its life had a little panic attack when I tried to put him in the carrier...I wound up with a piss-soaked T-shirt, two shredded forearms, and bite marks all over three of my fingers that required IV antibiotics to treat; the part that really shocked me is that he wasn't just trying to escape, he was actually trying to "neutralize" me - I let go of him as soon as he bit me the first time, but he kept coming back at me (this is a big farkin' cat, mind you); I had to toss him into the hallway after he lunged at my face a couple times, and he finally ran and hid.  I've been bitten by a few cats and dogs over the years, but never actually attacked by an animal before this...it was so surreal I didn't even feel anything until about an hour after it happened.

I was over at the new place just yesterday, lil' bastard was in my lap rubbing on me like nothing ever happened...


Next time, just get a laser pointer and have it chase the dot into the carrier.
 
2014-03-03 12:29:36 PM

K3rmy: Loaf's Tray: ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]

Helped my sister move a couple weeks ago; her normally friendly, docile Maine Coon that's known me all its life had a little panic attack when I tried to put him in the carrier...I wound up with a piss-soaked T-shirt, two shredded forearms, and bite marks all over three of my fingers that required IV antibiotics to treat; the part that really shocked me is that he wasn't just trying to escape, he was actually trying to "neutralize" me - I let go of him as soon as he bit me the first time, but he kept coming back at me (this is a big farkin' cat, mind you); I had to toss him into the hallway after he lunged at my face a couple times, and he finally ran and hid.  I've been bitten by a few cats and dogs over the years, but never actually attacked by an animal before this...it was so surreal I didn't even feel anything until about an hour after it happened.

I was over at the new place just yesterday, lil' bastard was in my lap rubbing on me like nothing ever happened...

Next time, just get a laser pointer and have it chase the dot into the carrier.


Normally you can just put him right in without any fuss, I've done it myself a couple times, I think he was on edge after we spent the whole day ransacking the house and just sort of...snapped...
 
2014-03-03 12:33:12 PM
img.fark.net
seen fleeing the scene
 
2014-03-03 12:33:58 PM
So, the cat's gonna walk?
 
2014-03-03 12:35:51 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


yikes, your face looks like the top of my hands.  I look like a cutter.
Both our cats love to play rough.
 
2014-03-03 12:37:03 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


Maybe it thought your beard was in heat?
 
2014-03-03 12:40:00 PM
 
2014-03-03 01:01:25 PM

K3rmy: Loaf's Tray: ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]

Helped my sister move a couple weeks ago; her normally friendly, docile Maine Coon that's known me all its life had a little panic attack when I tried to put him in the carrier...I wound up with a piss-soaked T-shirt, two shredded forearms, and bite marks all over three of my fingers that required IV antibiotics to treat; the part that really shocked me is that he wasn't just trying to escape, he was actually trying to "neutralize" me - I let go of him as soon as he bit me the first time, but he kept coming back at me (this is a big farkin' cat, mind you); I had to toss him into the hallway after he lunged at my face a couple times, and he finally ran and hid.  I've been bitten by a few cats and dogs over the years, but never actually attacked by an animal before this...it was so surreal I didn't even feel anything until about an hour after it happened.

I was over at the new place just yesterday, lil' bastard was in my lap rubbing on me like nothing ever happened...

Next time, just get a laser pointer and have it chase the dot into the carrier dog.


/FTFY
 
2014-03-03 01:04:12 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


You look exactly like the guy on the 6 dollar tee-shirt ad they have on here every so often (Upper RH corner)
 
2014-03-03 02:03:39 PM

Cold_Sassy: ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]

You look exactly like the guy on the 6 dollar tee-shirt ad they have on here every so often (Upper RH corner)


img.fark.net
 
2014-03-03 02:16:03 PM
"I put on two or three squirts before going out but it wasn't as though it was overpowering.

You may as well have been bathing in it. A dab will do ya, especially if it's expensive.
 
2014-03-03 02:47:29 PM

Calypsocookie: My cat loves the smell of my sweat. I have to remove him from my armpits after I come home from the gym. Very gently or he'll latch on.

/so I'm thinking this aftershave smells just like my armpits. Mmm.


At least its not your crotch, I guess.
 
2014-03-03 02:55:30 PM

VladTheEmailer: Cold_Sassy: ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]

You look exactly like the guy on the 6 dollar tee-shirt ad they have on here every so often (Upper RH corner)


Wow, he does look like me. What a lucky guy!
 
2014-03-03 02:59:09 PM

ransack.: VladTheEmailer: Cold_Sassy: ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]

You look exactly like the guy on the 6 dollar tee-shirt ad they have on here every so often (Upper RH corner)

Wow, he does look like me. What a lucky guy!


Fwiw, my friend just saw the picture and said "Why's that dude blowing a tribble?"
 
2014-03-03 03:34:42 PM

Loaf's Tray: K3rmy: Loaf's Tray: ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]

Helped my sister move a couple weeks ago; her normally friendly, docile Maine Coon that's known me all its life had a little panic attack when I tried to put him in the carrier...I wound up with a piss-soaked T-shirt, two shredded forearms, and bite marks all over three of my fingers that required IV antibiotics to treat; the part that really shocked me is that he wasn't just trying to escape, he was actually trying to "neutralize" me - I let go of him as soon as he bit me the first time, but he kept coming back at me (this is a big farkin' cat, mind you); I had to toss him into the hallway after he lunged at my face a couple times, and he finally ran and hid.  I've been bitten by a few cats and dogs over the years, but never actually attacked by an animal before this...it was so surreal I didn't even feel anything until about an hour after it happened.

I was over at the new place just yesterday, lil' bastard was in my lap rubbing on me like nothing ever happened...

Next time, just get a laser pointer and have it chase the dot into the carrier.

Normally you can just put him right in without any fuss, I've done it myself a couple times, I think he was on edge after we spent the whole day ransacking the house and just sort of...snapped...


I'll just leave this here. Defender cat was probably defending the last of his domain. You were done raiding HIS house and were finally coming for him. I'd imagine that for him, sh*t just got real.

/My guess
//I'll just leave this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zATogM8p3FM
 
2014-03-03 04:22:55 PM
img.fark.net
 
2014-03-03 04:24:50 PM

K3rmy: Next time, just get a laser pointer and have it chase the dot into the carrier.


I never thought of that. Usually I use treats (bribes), sometimes force; laser pointers got filed under "fun" and "silly cat, you think he'd learn."

MooseUpNorth: To be fair to the cat, poseurs running around in strong aftershave make me want to rip someone's face off too.


Some scents (soaps, aftershave, whatever) very quickly gives me horrible headaches, some produce allergic reactions (teary eyes and nasal problems mainly), and some do both. It's probably not the smell per se but some other ingredient, like skunk spray just smells awful but doesn't make me sick and the poofs non-descented ferrets make don't bother me. (The smell of sleeping ferrets, descented or not, makes me like them and want to get all cuddly.)

My bad reaction to some scents isn't that much of problem if I can get away in time, but trap me in an elevator with somebody wearing a bad one and I might get stabby (counterproductively so as the smells people make when they're dead would only make things worse). The question now though is would "his aftershave drove me insane" be a usable defense in court? Obviously even occasional wretching, sobbing, eye-watering migraines haven't killed or crippled me yet, and a contract killing might be a quick-&-dirty way to pay for dentures.
 
2014-03-03 04:39:20 PM

Orgasmatron138: I use Nivea, alcohol-free.

I always use an aftershave with little or no alcohol; alcohol can dry out the face and make you look older.


Hence your name...
 
2014-03-03 04:42:02 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


Don't bogart that joint next time.
 
2014-03-03 04:45:45 PM

Loaf's Tray: , I've done it myself a couple times,


You've put yourself in the carrier?

/kinky
 
2014-03-03 05:47:20 PM
So the cat attacks a guy... the cat doesn't like the smell of vaseline...
 
2014-03-03 05:54:21 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


I'd be seriously consider keeping some other sort of animal as a pet. Something less hazardous. Maybe a boa-constrictor. The cat could be it's first welcome-to-your-new-home meal.
 
2014-03-03 05:58:49 PM

The One True TheDavid: K3rmy: Next time, just get a laser pointer and have it chase the dot into the carrier.

I never thought of that. Usually I use treats (bribes), sometimes force; laser pointers got filed under "fun" and "silly cat, you think he'd learn."

MooseUpNorth: To be fair to the cat, poseurs running around in strong aftershave make me want to rip someone's face off too.

Some scents (soaps, aftershave, whatever) very quickly gives me horrible headaches, some produce allergic reactions (teary eyes and nasal problems mainly), and some do both. It's probably not the smell per se but some other ingredient, like skunk spray just smells awful but doesn't make me sick and the poofs non-descented ferrets make don't bother me. (The smell of sleeping ferrets, descented or not, makes me like them and want to get all cuddly.)

My bad reaction to some scents isn't that much of problem if I can get away in time, but trap me in an elevator with somebody wearing a bad one and I might get stabby (counterproductively so as the smells people make when they're dead would only make things worse). The question now though is would "his aftershave drove me insane" be a usable defense in court? Obviously even occasional wretching, sobbing, eye-watering migraines haven't killed or crippled me yet, and a contract killing might be a quick-&-dirty way to pay for dentures.


The olfactory sense is supposedly the sense closest linked to memory so it could be feasible.

Bad smell, your honor.  Reminded me of the cannibalistic rapist pygmies of the african plains coming to juju me in the butt again!
 
2014-03-03 06:46:32 PM
From TFA: "It was so bad my wife called a paramedic out and then took me to hospital to have my cut glued together.

Did anybody else read that as "...to have my cat glued together"?
 
2014-03-03 06:57:00 PM

Winterhawk11: From TFA: "It was so bad my wife called a paramedic out and then took me to hospital to have my cut glued together.

Did anybody else read that as "...to have my cat glued together"?


I didn't read it as that, but now that you mention it, that sounds like something I'd like to watch on youtube.
 
2014-03-04 08:40:12 PM

ransack.: A couple of weeks ago one of my cats gave me five across the eye while I was sleeping

[i.imgur.com image 292x515]


I usually don't gush over celebs, but I'm a huge fan, Mr. Bryan

/Yes, Yes, Yes.
 
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