If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(AP)   Settle down people, those South Park guys have it all wrong. People don't get their own planets in the afterlife   (hosted.ap.org) divider line 125
    More: Strange, South Park  
•       •       •

10043 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Feb 2014 at 7:38 PM (30 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



125 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all
 
2014-02-27 09:53:32 PM
That's (the planet thing) exactly what they taught my wife before she escaped their clutches. Sadly, she simply escaped to anothe cult (Christian Fellowship Ministries, http://www.worldcfm.com/ ), another real piece of work. She's still recovering from the damage they caused. Neither of these organizations is about Christianity, they, like the Scientologists, are simply about power, control, and $$$.
 
2014-02-27 10:07:32 PM
img.photobucket.com
"You can dance if you want to....
Oh wait, no, you're not allowed. Never mind."

/Yeah, know it is a myth.
 
2014-02-27 10:07:40 PM

buckler: Oops.

[www.waldoscampustavern.com image 173x182]

There.


Where's my yacht?!?!?
 
2014-02-27 10:08:22 PM
Hey, there's so much we don't know about the brain, time and all that.  It could be that in that final instant when the brain gets that last, faint pump of blood, that final moment could seem like an eternity.  In that eternity, you get to live in a dream-like state where the universe IS your own.  As as atheist, that's all I have to hope on anyways.
 
2014-02-27 10:13:44 PM

stoli n coke: At least they aren't walking back the claim that God changed his mind about black people in 1978.


Or that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri!

/love that song
 
2014-02-27 10:19:13 PM
Settle Down People!
manilovefilms.com
 
2014-02-27 10:21:56 PM
Growing up as a Mormon makes B52 coffees taste so much better.

/ Two sins in one!
 
2014-02-27 10:27:39 PM
Obligatory music video.
 
2014-02-27 10:40:24 PM

Watubi: Hey, there's so much we don't know about the brain, time and all that.  It could be that in that final instant when the brain gets that last, faint pump of blood, that final moment could seem like an eternity.  In that eternity, you get to live in a dream-like state where the universe IS your own.  As as atheist, that's all I have to hope on anyways.


I'm partial to the multiverse theory myself, the one where from your perspective you live forever.  Nothing's stopping atheists from coming up with their own versions of immortality.
 
2014-02-27 10:45:42 PM
The Mormons up North used to drop off DVDs to my place every once in awhile, and I always joked with my drinking buddies that I would put one on some night but never bothered.

The high school principal was one and impregnated one of the students, his wife and other kids just accepted her into their family like it wasn't a big deal. (He's not allowed to teach anymore though).
 
2014-02-27 10:50:00 PM

Mad_Radhu: itsaidwhat: Any Mormons that still want a planet can switch over to MY made up religion. I guarantee TWO planets! And unlimited Coke*

*trademark the Coca-Cola Company

My faith guarantees eternal salvation or triple your money back.


Praise Bob!
 
2014-02-27 10:53:56 PM
I know, I am just getting old, and I love the south park guys, but they just won't let up on the Mormons.
I mean sure a few joke and maybe an episode about "haha your belief is stupid because we say so haha". But then a musical that will never go away? Seems really dickish and I can't stand Mormons.
Are they making comedy or just using free speech to bash a minority group they don't like?
 
2014-02-27 10:57:59 PM
According to Evangelical and Fundamentalisit Christians, LDS (Mormons) teach that Jesus and Satan are spiritual brothers. God had sex with Mary. Magic underwear. Planet Kolob. etc.etc. etc.
Before Mitt Romney, the majority of Fundamentalist and Evangelicals considered the LDS church to be a "cult". Now that Mittens has been vanquished by Fartbongo, the majority of Evangelicals will STILL tell you that Mormonism and Jehovah's Witnesses belong to a cult. They believe them to have 'false doctrine and teachings" and if they trust you enough to actually open up and share their deepest personal beliefs, many believe that the members of either of these two churches will never "enter into the Kingdom of God".  Jehovah's Witness won't go to fundamentalist heaven, because they don't believe in a Holy Trinity and don't even get me started on how the majority of Fundamentalist view the "Mary worshiping", "Papist" Catholics.

One of the best kept Evangelical secrets is how much they they really hate the other so-called 'Christian' faiths. They will pretend that they share common beliefs about  the gays, abortion and guns, but deep down, when it comes to "eternal life" and "being with Jesus in Heaven", that only the "true Bible-believing Christians (like themselves) will inherit the Kingdom of God. Those Jack Chick comics you love to laugh about so much...Evangelicals buy about 80-95% of ALL the doctrine that Brother Chick espouses.

Now in regards to the Jews, they won't get to Heaven, because they will not accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior or acknowledge that that he is the one true messiah, the Son of God. They believe that once the Rapture comes, that the Evangelicals will be lifted up to Heaven, just like in "This Is The End" movie. When that happens, they believe that the Jews will FINALLY "see the light" once they see China and Russia marching on Jerusalem in a final apocalyptic battle with the Antichrist.

Just like baseball, you folks will enjoy the game so much more, If  you know the rules and how to score the game.
 
2014-02-27 10:59:49 PM
Yeah huh! Nick Nolte told me so in a catchy song! Also, titties!
 
2014-02-27 11:03:47 PM
No planet?

You mean I've been wearing the Magical Underwear all this time for nothing?

Fark you guys. I'm going home.
 
2014-02-27 11:21:09 PM
All I know is that when I was a young man, I went on a date with a Mormon girl. A single date. We kissed once. We didn't even sit together while we watched a movie in her parents' basement (she sat in one recliner, I in another), yet when the date came to its end she was talking about "our wedding."

Apparently, when you go on a date with a Mormon girl, you're agreeing to marry her or something like that.

We never had a second date.
 
2014-02-27 11:41:41 PM

nekom: So are they going to back off on the belief that the native Americans came from Israel?  Or any of their other phony archaeology that science has debunked?

Also, I love to point out that a book report on the Book of Mormon written by Mark Twain exists, and it is awesome.   http://www.mrm.org/topics/documents-speeches/mark-twains-review-book- m ormon


Thanks for that. I value Mr. Twains opinion of all things.

Here's a weird story for those who are not familiar with this brand of American Lunacy:
And it came to pass,,,that I spent a week in Salt Lake City, Utah one time. Wherefore in those days the Book of Moroni came illustrated with color reproductions of what I thought were paintings.

But if you took the tour of the Visitors Center to the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, Utah you find out that those weren't mere paintings - they were reproductions of giant wall murals. And I do mean giant. These murals are several stories tall and as wide as a city block on the walls inside the vast Visitors Center to the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Salt Lake City is the most Mormony Mormon city on this whole planet. And a state capital where the temple is bigger than the capital building. These were huge paintings indeed, of places and people that never existed. And events that never happened. No geological record. No cultural record. No genetic record. Purely imaginary. One might even go so far as to say, fraudulent.

And I was surrounded by an admiring crowd that kept nodding and smiling as the tour guide explained the significance of each one...

It was the closest I ever came to being in a Twilight Zone episode. I've never been back.
 
2014-02-27 11:45:35 PM
Well mine's going to have hookers. And blackjack.
 
2014-02-27 11:47:24 PM

Nix Nightbird: All I know is that when I was a young man, I went on a date with a Mormon girl. A single date. We kissed once. We didn't even sit together while we watched a movie in her parents' basement (she sat in one recliner, I in another), yet when the date came to its end she was talking about "our wedding."

Apparently, when you go on a date with a Mormon girl, you're agreeing to marry her or something like that.

We never had a second date.


That is terrifying.  At a tender age, I would have been so torn between trying to push it in order to get laid and running screaming into the night.
 
2014-02-27 11:48:33 PM

Angela Lansbury's Merkin: And more quotes that imply you become like god and get to populate your own worlds:
http://exmormon.org/d6/drupal/Mormons-get-their-own-worlds


Hey, the Catholics have one of those too:
CCC 460:  79 "For the Son of God became man so that we might become God."80 "The only-begotten Son of God, wanting to make us sharers in his divinity, assumed our nature, so that he, made man, might make men gods."81

http://carm.org/ccc-460
 
2014-02-27 11:50:23 PM

Old Man Winter: I know, I am just getting old, and I love the south park guys, but they just won't let up on the Mormons.
I mean sure a few joke and maybe an episode about "haha your belief is stupid because we say so haha". But then a musical that will never go away? Seems really dickish and I can't stand Mormons.
Are they making comedy or just using free speech to bash a minority group they don't like?


Comedy.
 
2014-02-28 12:03:01 AM

tinyarena: nekom: So are they going to back off on the belief that the native Americans came from Israel?  Or any of their other phony archaeology that science has debunked?

Also, I love to point out that a book report on the Book of Mormon written by Mark Twain exists, and it is awesome.   http://www.mrm.org/topics/documents-speeches/mark-twains-review-book- m ormon

Thanks for that. I value Mr. Twains opinion of all things.

Here's a weird story for those who are not familiar with this brand of American Lunacy:
And it came to pass,,,that I spent a week in Salt Lake City, Utah one time. Wherefore in those days the Book of Moroni came illustrated with color reproductions of what I thought were paintings.

But if you took the tour of the Visitors Center to the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, Utah you find out that those weren't mere paintings - they were reproductions of giant wall murals. And I do mean giant. These murals are several stories tall and as wide as a city block on the walls inside the vast Visitors Center to the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Salt Lake City is the most Mormony Mormon city on this whole planet. And a state capital where the temple is bigger than the capital building. These were huge paintings indeed, of places and people that never existed. And events that never happened. No geological record. No cultural record. No genetic record. Purely imaginary. One might even go so far as to say, fraudulent.

And I was surrounded by an admiring crowd that kept nodding and smiling as the tour guide explained the significance of each one...

It was the closest I ever came to being in a Twilight Zone episode. I've never been back.


If that rustled your jimmies, prepare for "RUSTLEMANIA!!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6udew9axmdM
 
2014-02-28 12:09:02 AM

Livinglush: Old Man Winter: I know, I am just getting old, and I love the south park guys, but they just won't let up on the Mormons.
I mean sure a few joke and maybe an episode about "haha your belief is stupid because we say so haha". But then a musical that will never go away? Seems really dickish and I can't stand Mormons.
Are they making comedy or just using free speech to bash a minority group they don't like?

Comedy.


The musical is also really positive and affirming once you get past the profanity.
 
2014-02-28 12:12:27 AM

BlackArt: Not what they told me when I was a Mormon.


Did thou'st study it outeth?
 
2014-02-28 12:16:01 AM
starsmedia.ign.comI'm just saying that when we die there's going to be a planet for the French, aplanet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier.
 
2014-02-28 12:18:17 AM
Planet Kolob is just bolok backwards, transconfabulated from the Reformed Egyptian root word 'bollocks' meaning 'You expect me to believe whaaa?'
 
2014-02-28 12:18:33 AM

Old Man Winter: I know, I am just getting old, and I love the south park guys, but they just won't let up on the Mormons.
I mean sure a few joke and maybe an episode about "haha your belief is stupid because we say so haha". But then a musical that will never go away? Seems really dickish and I can't stand Mormons.
Are they making comedy or just using free speech to bash a minority group they don't like?


law2.umkc.edu
 
2014-02-28 12:28:43 AM

nekom: So are they going to back off on the belief that the native Americans came from Israel?  Or any of their other phony archaeology that science has debunked?

Also, I love to point out that a book report on the Book of Mormon written by Mark Twain exists, and it is awesome.   http://www.mrm.org/topics/documents-speeches/mark-twains-review-book- m ormon


Omg, that is the best thing ever.  Twain's thoughts were pretty much exactly what was going through my head when I read the Book of Mormon.  When the missionaries came by my house, I asked them "why would a dude living in America around the time of Emerson and Thoreau 'translate' something into King-James-style English, unless he was trying to dupe naive Christians into following his bogus religion?"  They didn't have an answer.
 
2014-02-28 12:38:23 AM
Free planets for everyone!  Even Xenu thinks this is a tad on the crazy side.
 
2014-02-28 12:51:32 AM

BlackArt: Not what they told me when I was a Mormon.


An overzealous Mormon who was trying to convert me told me the whole "get your own planet" thing back in the 80's.  I say "overzealous" because the church has a policy called "Milk before meat" which essentially translates to "save the really weird stuff for after they've already converted", and this guy wasn't following it.
 
2014-02-28 01:00:02 AM
You know why Mormons aren't good bike riders?

They do a lot of backpedaling.
 
2014-02-28 01:12:38 AM

nekom: So are they going to back off on the belief that the native Americans came from Israel?  Or any of their other phony archaeology that science has debunked?

Also, I love to point out that a book report on the Book of Mormon written by Mark Twain exists, and it is awesome.   http://www.mrm.org/topics/documents-speeches/mark-twains-review-book- m ormon


In a sense, they (all humans except native Africans, really) did come *through* Israel at least. If humans left Africa at some point, the trip would have gone through Sinai and Israel unless they had already invented boats.
 
2014-02-28 01:16:56 AM

Omahawg: Old Man Winter: I know, I am just getting old, and I love the south park guys, but they just won't let up on the Mormons.
I mean sure a few joke and maybe an episode about "haha your belief is stupid because we say so haha". But then a musical that will never go away? Seems really dickish and I can't stand Mormons.
Are they making comedy or just using free speech to bash a minority group they don't like?


I loved 'Real Genius' too!
 
2014-02-28 01:19:37 AM

C18H27NO3: Free planets for everyone!  Even Xenu thinks this is a tad on the crazy side.


Xenu and the God of Kolob? We have to get these two together.
 
2014-02-28 01:23:12 AM

OooShiny: Planet Kolob is just bolok backwards, transconfabulated from the Reformed Egyptian root word 'bollocks' meaning 'You expect me to believe whaaa?'



Relax.

1.bp.blogspot.com

Have some tranya.
 
2014-02-28 01:34:30 AM

Watubi: Hey, there's so much we don't know about the brain, time and all that.  It could be that in that final instant when the brain gets that last, faint pump of blood, that final moment could seem like an eternity.  In that eternity, you get to live in a dream-like state where the universe IS your own.  As as atheist, that's all I have to hope on anyways.


That's the same thing I hope for, a moment of dreamy ecstasy that is time-dilated and from my point of view will last all of eternity. I think it happens, too, judging by the weird experiences people have reported (so-called "near-death experiences")
 
2014-02-28 01:56:55 AM
Why does anyone care what the South Park guys do or say on their television show? That show has been along for how many seasons now, and we're still finding ways to be outraged over what they put out?

If anyone knows South Park has made fun of them, then they should be smart enough to know that there's no point in getting their panties in a twist over it.

Getting outraged at South Park is like getting outraged over something Howard Stern says on the radio. When they're at it long enough you just expect this shiat to happen and it loses its shock value.
 
2014-02-28 02:30:11 AM

Glendale: Well mine's going to have hookers. And blackjack.


4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-02-28 02:34:00 AM
Clarifying the finer points of your religous beliefs is like explaining why Unicorns are white
 
2014-02-28 02:37:23 AM

Weatherkiss: Getting outraged at South Park is like getting outraged over something Howard Stern says on the radio. When they're at it long enough you just expect this shiat to happen and it loses its shock value.


...and religious texts are full of shock value when you accurately describe their contents in detail.
 
2014-02-28 02:50:30 AM

Bawdy George: Weatherkiss: Getting outraged at South Park is like getting outraged over something Howard Stern says on the radio. When they're at it long enough you just expect this shiat to happen and it loses its shock value.

...and religious texts are full of shock value when you accurately describe their contents in detail.


So are End-User License Agreements. But just like the Bible you just scroll down to the end and click, "I agree with everything"
 
2014-02-28 03:18:54 AM

Weatherkiss: Bawdy George: Weatherkiss: Getting outraged at South Park is like getting outraged over something Howard Stern says on the radio. When they're at it long enough you just expect this shiat to happen and it loses its shock value.

...and religious texts are full of shock value when you accurately describe their contents in detail.

So are End-User License Agreements. But just like the Bible you just scroll down to the end and click, "I agree with everything"


Can't argue with you there... and, nice circle back to South Park
 
2014-02-28 03:26:04 AM

sminkypinky: Clarifying the finer points of your religous beliefs is like explaining why Unicorns are white



Because if they were black they'd just be called Republicans.
 
2014-02-28 03:35:17 AM
My parents went through a brief stint with LDS, and I vividly remember them teaching us about ascending into godship if you lived your life as a good Mormon. They had a chart with the three levels of heaven, the lowest being for the common man and the higher levels for the good Mormons and the not so good Mormons. Hell is reserved for those who joined the church and left. So, I'll see you Farkers there.

Also, they believe Satan is the jealous sibling of Jesus, and that everyone was given the choice of accepting a life on earth, or banishment to hell in the spirit world before they were born after Satan rebelled against God.

All of this was back before South Park existed. And obviously they don't teach you any of this until after you've been a part of their church for a while. My dad reverted back after I moved out, and I attended a service. I couldn't help but notice that everyone still dresses like it's 1989, and they have a disturbingly cheery disposition.

Nice people, and they do a lot of good things to help out their community, unlike most sects of Christianity, but they do indeed have some bizarre doctrines.
 
2014-02-28 03:35:48 AM
So, like, FarmVille and all those other "villes" is pretty much like afterlife training for Mormons?
 
2014-02-28 03:47:34 AM
We were made after his image. So that means its image only and not potential? I would say we have the potential to become more but many will not make the cut.
 
2014-02-28 03:49:12 AM

panfake: So, like, FarmVille and all those other "villes" is pretty much like afterlife training for Mormons?


Too young to remember Populous?
 
2014-02-28 06:05:33 AM

sminkypinky: Clarifying the finer points of your religous beliefs is like explaining why Unicorns are white


static1.wikia.nocookie.net

Do go on.
 
2014-02-28 06:15:16 AM
Awesome! I'm going to name my planet, "Otisburg."
 
2014-02-28 06:16:30 AM

A Terrible Human: Lol Mormonism is always hilarious because of how dumb it sounds.


Imagine for a moment, you are a man with no religion whatsoever and never have even heard of such a thing. Some fool comes along and explains <any religion> to you in an attempt to get you to join him.

They all sound hilariously dumb.
 
Displayed 50 of 125 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report