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(Fox News)   "There really is a God. I was shot at and my Bible absorbed the bullets"   (foxnews.com) divider line 122
    More: Scary, Bibles, god, Dayton Daily News, Ohio  
•       •       •

3811 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Feb 2014 at 6:04 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



122 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-02-25 12:06:40 AM  
I didn't see that quote in the article anywhere, subby. I did see these, however...

"There was obviously some kind of intervention involved in this incident because (Waggoner) should probably not be here," Dayton Police Sgt. Michael Pauley told the paper at the scene

Ah, yes. The old God obviously intervened by putting the book at the right place to stop the bullets, but he couldn't be bothered to intervene in the lives of the assailants to prevent them becoming attempted murderers. Gotta love those mysterious ways.

Of course, the cop doesn't explicitly say "God", so I'm sure he just meant the book intervened in some way between the man and the bullet. But as an honorary, if not official, member of the Fark Anti-Religion Brigade (or whatever we're being called now), it's obligatory to get a dig in. ;)

"That's wonderful," said Peterson, who is 81. "I've heard stories about that happening during the second World War. I'm glad to be in the club."

Heh. I actually like the book author's reaction. :)
 
2014-02-25 12:08:52 AM  
Wait until we get a story about bullets being stopped by a copy of "50 Shades of Gray". Where will your God be then?
 
2014-02-25 12:17:24 AM  
s3.amazonaws.com

Picture taken right before the incident.
 
2014-02-25 12:17:57 AM  
why does subby have a quote in their headline that appears nowhere in the story?
 
2014-02-25 12:27:59 AM  

mamoru: But as an honorary, if not official, member of the Fark Anti-Religion Brigade (or whatever we're being called now), it's obligatory to get a dig in. ;)


How about the Fark Anti-Religion Tiraders?

F.A.R.T. has a nice ring to it :-)
 
2014-02-25 12:31:14 AM  
Unless you gave political speech afterwards, I'm not impressed.
 
2014-02-25 12:32:57 AM  

Mike_LowELL: [s3.amazonaws.com image 600x300]

Picture taken right before the incident.


i.imgur.com

Woah ho. Almost posted something that shouldn't have been seen without an NSFW tag.
 
2014-02-25 12:33:54 AM  
FTFA: Reached at his home in Lakeside, Mont., Eugene H. Peterson, author of "The Message," told FoxNews.com that he was thrilled to know his book stopped bullets. That's wonderful," said Peterson, who is 81. "I've heard stories about that happening during the second World War. I'm glad to be in the club."


1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-02-25 12:35:42 AM  

Somacandra: mamoru: But as an honorary, if not official, member of the Fark Anti-Religion Brigade (or whatever we're being called now), it's obligatory to get a dig in. ;)

How about the Fark Anti-Religion Tiraders?

F.A.R.T. has a nice ring to it :-)


Ooooo, I like it. :D
 
2014-02-25 12:36:47 AM  

hardinparamedic: Almost posted something that shouldn't have been seen without an NSFW tag.


Back in the day I would have said that Fark is not your personal furry B&D erotica site.

But now I'm not so sure. :-)
 
433 [TotalFark]
2014-02-25 12:38:32 AM  

hardinparamedic: Woah ho. Almost posted something that shouldn't have been seen without an NSFW tag.


Her tail went missing in the 2nd frame from the bottom. Tail! Whar tail!
 
2014-02-25 12:38:49 AM  
It'd take a 20mm depleted uranium round to punch through bullsh*t that dense
 
2014-02-25 12:39:34 AM  
They all laughed at me when I started carrying the complete works of Stephen King in hardcover with me at all times, but who's laughing now?

Not the team of physical therapists working round-the-clock to repair my shattered spine, that's who!
 
2014-02-25 12:51:52 AM  

hardinparamedic: Mike_LowELL: [s3.amazonaws.com image 600x300]

Picture taken right before the incident.

[i.imgur.com image 720x540]

Woah ho. Almost posted something that shouldn't have been seen without an NSFW tag.


Umm... giggity?
 
2014-02-25 01:32:52 AM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: It'd take a 20mm depleted uranium round to punch through bullsh*t that dense


I wonder if it's as legitimate as the cop who's badge stopped a bullet.
 
2014-02-25 01:53:49 AM  

hardinparamedic: MaudlinMutantMollusk: It'd take a 20mm depleted uranium round to punch through bullsh*t that dense

I wonder if it's as legitimate as the cop who's badge stopped a bullet.


The story does seem a bit far fetched doesn't it?  He was outnumbered three to one, he was shot in the leg and stabbed in the arm, but apparently still managed to disarm one person of a gun and another of a knife, after which all three fled.  I'm not saying that's impossible, but if it turns out to be false I won't exactly be shocked.
 
2014-02-25 02:24:53 AM  

mamoru: he couldn't be bothered to intervene in the lives of the assailants to prevent them becoming attempted murderers.


Actually, it's my understanding that in the dogma God made humans specifically to have free will. That's why sin CAN exist. They choose to become murderers. God prevented it because it wasn't part of HIS plan. The reason God doesn't interfere more is because free will was part of his plan, too. The angels have no free will but do only God's will.

If you're going mock a religion, at least try to get the central tenant right. They worship the image of a demi-god letting himself be crucified as penance for the sins of all mankind. It's been going strong for 2000 years, most of which they've spent inventing philosophical tools like symbolic logic, spelling, and the revolver. I'm pretty sure there's less cognitive dissonance than you're implying.
 
2014-02-25 02:54:49 AM  

doglover: God prevented it because it wasn't part of HIS plan.


If God only allows things to happen according to his plan (or intervenes to prevent things from going according to plan), then there is no way to determine the existence of free will, as one could never distinguish between a freely chosen action and an intervention. If free will is promised by God, then every intervention breaks that promise.

Of course, taken to the fullest extent, an omnipotent god running the universe according to plan is mutually exclusive from free will anyway (since omnipotence implies omniscience, and omniscience implies certain knowledge of the future, which removes the possibility of the players in the universe making free choices that could change that future). Either God has limits on his power to know for certain the outcome of events, or there is no free will.

Cue the "But God doesn't have to follow logic" arguments...

doglover: I'm pretty sure there's less cognitive dissonance than you're implying.


Nope. Pretty much the same amount. Throwing in the "But Free Will™" argument does not make it any less ridiculous. Unless one wishes to imply that the deity in question is not omnipotent.
 
2014-02-25 02:56:54 AM  
In the movie "The Experts", the defecting Russian agent is gunned down by the other Russian agent but is saved when the bullet is stopped by the Japanese portable cassette player in his pocket.

So God is Japanese. I really think so.
 
2014-02-25 03:15:18 AM  

mamoru: every intervention breaks that promise.


Or does it? Some people pray, some people don't. If those who choose to pray properly have their prayers answered, how is that a violation of free will? Someone spiritual enough to carry a bible in his breast pocket probably prays for the safety of his health and family. That's at least a +2 AC bonus.

On the other hand, I don't think even the Christians think their god is omnipotent. That's why the Catholics invented the holy trinity. Polytheism is the only real logical answer for any religion in the long run. I mean we still honor the Viking and Roman gods daily just by speaking English. When prayers aren't answered all the time, but sometimes the absolutes don't make sense. But if you've got a strapping big thunder god like Thor who's too busy dressing up like his sister to get his hammer back from horny giants to stop and help every warrior with a rock in his shoe, that makes sense on a deep emotional level. "Of course the gods can't hear every prayer, but I'm beloved of them. They must be busy. "

Anyway, the moral of the story is you should always keep a black walnut tree on your property and some chalk and iron nails by the door, just in case.
 
2014-02-25 03:23:23 AM  
Things you should also keep on hand in case of religion: salt, a horseshoe, some candles, a knife, honey, small bags, a mineral collection, and if possible a bottle of 100% oxygen in case of "divers maladies"
 
2014-02-25 04:53:17 AM  

mamoru: I didn't see that quote in the article anywhere, subby. I did see these, however...

"There was obviously some kind of intervention involved in this incident because (Waggoner) should probably not be here," Dayton Police Sgt. Michael Pauley told the paper at the scene

Ah, yes. The old God obviously intervened by putting the book at the right place to stop the bullets, but he couldn't be bothered to intervene in the lives of the assailants to prevent them becoming attempted murderers. Gotta love those mysterious ways.

Of course, the cop doesn't explicitly say "God", so I'm sure he just meant the book intervened in some way between the man and the bullet. But as an honorary, if not official, member of the Fark Anti-Religion Brigade (or whatever we're being called now), it's obligatory to get a dig in. ;)

"That's wonderful," said Peterson, who is 81. "I've heard stories about that happening during the second World War. I'm glad to be in the club."

Heh. I actually like the book author's reaction. :)


god is a COMPLETE and total asshole.
what kind of tiny dicked little god would save this moron???
 
2014-02-25 04:55:59 AM  
an innocent is killed by god ... god is great
an asshole is killed by god ... god is ...
an asshole lives by god ... god is ....
terrorists blow up the trade center god is great
god prevents a different suicide bomb ...


fark it
god is a complete and total asshole

god let bush 2.0 not choke to death on that pretzle ... god is an asshole
 
2014-02-25 05:01:18 AM  

namatad: an innocent is killed by god ... god is great
an asshole is killed by god ... god is ...
an asshole lives by god ... god is ....
terrorists blow up the trade center god is great
god prevents a different suicide bomb ...


fark it
god is a complete and total asshole

god let bush 2.0 not choke to death on that pretzle ... god is an asshole


Well, yeah. Didn't ever read the old testament.

oglaf.com nails this one.

media.oglaf.com
 
2014-02-25 05:31:35 AM  
Working from the assumption that this guy's god exists... So... did his god try to kill him and failed because the guy happened to have a book in his pocket or was his god unable to stop the third bullet from hitting him in the leg or the knife from stabbing him in the arm? Or was it his god's intention to have him get shot in the leg and stabbed in the arm, but not killed? Or maybe this was really his god testing his faith. Or maybe his god figured he could have him shot in the leg, stabbed in the arm, and still come out smelling like roses because he made sure two of the bullets hit the book. Hmmm...

I can imagine his god having a conversation with another god:

"Hey... I'm going to have this guy shot in the leg and stabbed in the arm and he won't blame me at all. In fact, he's going to thank me for saving his life.. HAH! Watch..."
 
2014-02-25 06:16:07 AM  
 
2014-02-25 06:16:38 AM  
What about the time my bronze pentagram stopped those bullets? Hmm?
 
2014-02-25 06:18:03 AM  
Just waned to say that the cops and FBI know about all these gangs, where they live, who they are and I have no problem with them rolling tanks in the street and sending every last pimply, baggy assed, illiterate, gutless, violent one of them to a lime pit, tut suite.  And they shouldn't, either.  Now roll the FARK Atheist Brigade.  Out.
 
2014-02-25 06:22:16 AM  

bunner: Just waned to say that the cops and FBI know about all these gangs, where they live, who they are and I have no problem with them rolling tanks in the street and sending every last pimply, baggy assed, illiterate, gutless, violent one of them to a lime pit, tut suite.  And they shouldn't, either.  Now roll the FARK Atheist Brigade.  Out.


????
 
2014-02-25 06:23:50 AM  

JohnnyC: "Hey... I'm going to have this guy shot in the leg and stabbed in the arm and he won't blame me at all. In fact, he's going to thank me for saving his life.. HAH! Watch..."


Isn't that what he did to Abraham and Job?

"You there, kill you son if you love me. Hey you, do you like boils? Too bad!"
 
2014-02-25 06:26:56 AM  

calbert: bunner: Just waned to say that the cops and FBI know about all these gangs, where they live, who they are and I have no problem with them rolling tanks in the street and sending every last pimply, baggy assed, illiterate, gutless, violent one of them to a lime pit, tut suite.  And they shouldn't, either.  Now roll the FARK Atheist Brigade.  Out.

????


I dropped an O.   Sorry.
 
2014-02-25 06:31:03 AM  
Poor mans body armor , time to buy a bigger bible!
 
2014-02-25 06:31:40 AM  

calbert: why does subby have a quote in their headline that appears nowhere in the story?


This is a recent trend. It is a good way of getting your link greenlit. Mods don't verify quotes--they probably don't read the articles. I'll probably still come to Fark often, but this is a serious quality issue. It just makes the whole thing a bit stupid.

Fark thrives on wit and intelligence; it thrives on strange or interesting stories with clever headlines. I don't know. Maybe it will thrive on dimwitted fictional quotes.
 
2014-02-25 06:31:43 AM  

bunner: calbert: bunner: Just waned to say that the cops and FBI know about all these gangs, where they live, who they are and I have no problem with them rolling tanks in the street and sending every last pimply, baggy assed, illiterate, gutless, violent one of them to a lime pit, tut suite.  And they shouldn't, either.  Now roll the FARK Atheist Brigade.  Out.

????

I dropped an O.   Sorry.


I was confused. I thought you were just rambling and stroking out there at the end.

/tanks would be neat to see
 
2014-02-25 06:32:29 AM  

hardinparamedic: MaudlinMutantMollusk: It'd take a 20mm depleted uranium round to punch through bullsh*t that dense

I wonder if it's as legitimate as the cop who's badge stopped a bullet.


Well, if it's a legitimate shooting the body has was of shutting that stuff down.
 
2014-02-25 06:32:58 AM  

calbert: I was confused. I thought you were just rambling and stroking out there at the end.


Did you really?  Are yo a physician?
 
2014-02-25 06:35:29 AM  
So, now he holds a book containing a story with a bunch of holes in it.  A holey book.
 
2014-02-25 06:51:17 AM  
maybe the bible attracted a stray bullet.
 
2014-02-25 06:52:01 AM  
Burning question: Why was God shooting at him in the first place?
 
2014-02-25 06:52:50 AM  
There really is a god because people shoot each other.
 
2014-02-25 06:54:10 AM  

doglover: I don't think even the Christians think their god is omnipotent.


Hmmm... Really? I obviously think otherwise. I wonder if there is any good data regarding this. I mean, the phrase "God Almighty" is common enough, and I'm pretty sure Christians who say it, especially during religious services and such, mean it. But it could very well be said without thinking. I'd bet a huge majority really haven't given it much thought as most have been brought up with it and simply accept it because they always have.

I'm sure all of us, or at least many of us, could spout of anecdotes about Christians believing one way or the other, but I wonder if this is something that has actually ever been measured and if there is any data out there.

I wonder if any of Fark's resident Christians would be willing to chime in, in an obviously not-at-all-scientific-non-representative-just-out-of-curiosity poll: Do you believe your deity is all-powerful?
 
2014-02-25 06:56:11 AM  
If only it was a science book.
 
2014-02-25 07:02:41 AM  

mamoru: Hmmm... Really? I obviously think otherwise.


Oh, the dogma teaches thus, but in practice either he's not omnipotent or very, very "lazy-unfaire".

That's the real problem with religions. Most of the time the flock will take the teachings and run with it. Plenty of Christianity doesn't come from the Bible. Look at Christmas.
 
2014-02-25 07:08:08 AM  
When god saves a man from a bullet it's a "miracle", when he stands by while some man gets hacked up by a lunatic he's simply being "mysterious".
 
2014-02-25 07:13:22 AM  

calbert: bunner: Just waned to say that the cops and FBI know about all these gangs, where they live, who they are and I have no problem with them rolling tanks in the street and sending every last pimply, baggy assed, illiterate, gutless, violent one of them to a lime pit, tut suite.  And they shouldn't, either.  Now roll the FARK Atheist Brigade.  Out.

????


upload.wikimedia.org

What a Tut Suite may look like...
 
2014-02-25 07:20:41 AM  
 While another assailant stabbed him in the arm, Waggoner was able to grab both the gun and knife, prompting the suspects -- described as being 15 to 18 years old -- to flee.

So not so much divine intervention as the wannabe gang members being so hilariously pitiful and harmless that they got their asses kicked by an unarmed old man.

mamoru: Hmmm... Really? I obviously think otherwise.


Evangelist protestant denominations typically go with "not omnipotent" to solve the problem of evil, by assigning another supernatural entity (Satan) the ability to do things that God doesn't want him to do, or "not benevolent" in that bad things are God punishing unrelated innocent people for the sins of the less-innocent, with no explanation for the responsible sinners being just fine.

They don't come right out and say "god can't do things" or "god is evil", no, but it's a definite and intentional part of their theology if you use words according to their actual, y'know, meanings instead of the non-meaning propaganda speak of the church doublethink.

Non-evangelist protestants almost universally go with a different variant of "not benevolent" called the watchmaker God, where god made the world and gave everyone the tools to make it perfect, and then stepped out and stopped interfering.  So evil is some mortal's fault, but not necessarily the person that actually is getting farked, it's just some past deviation form the divine plan in the past throwing shiat off.

Catholics have a much more complex and nuanced theology, and various apologetics go with any of the three resolutions (god is not benevolent, god is not omniscient, god is not omnipotent) depending heavily on the writer and his contemporary political climate, so Catholics can basically take their pick.

// No one has ever resolved Theodicy without using one of the three, don't feel bad if you can't either... I mean, non-monotheists will continue to mock you because it's an entirely legitimate criticism and it's funny, but in the context of still being Christian etc you don't need to feel like you're a bad Christian or whatever.
 
2014-02-25 07:20:43 AM  
What if he'd had a copy of The Gay Agenda® in his pocket.  Would the god-controlled bullet have screeched to a halt mid-air like Elmer Fudd's ammo, then turned around, flown to congress and passed a law allowing itself and all its bullet buddies to refuse to do their job of killin' when the bullet sincerely believes it shouldn't have to serve the homogheys?

If so, then Gay Agendas-Pocket Edition for everyone amen!!
 
2014-02-25 07:22:42 AM  
Those thugs probably mistook that Bible bulge in his jacket for wads of cash.
 
2014-02-25 07:25:32 AM  
There's a quote missing. The one where the guy says he's gonna walk the earth. Like Kane in Kung-Fu.
 
2014-02-25 07:28:11 AM  

mamoru: I'm sure all of us, or at least many of us, could spout of anecdotes about Christians believing one way or the other, but I wonder if this is something that has actually ever been measured and if there is any data out there.


Not exactly the same question, but this poll found "A 37% plurality of Americans (including 52% of Catholics) believes that God observes but does not control what happens on Earth - down considerably from 2003, when half of Americans (50%) expressed this belief. Just under three in ten (29%) Americans, including majorities of those who self-identify as very religious (60%) and/or born-again Christians (56%), believe that God controls what happens on Earth."...
 
2014-02-25 07:32:36 AM  

Somacandra: hardinparamedic: Almost posted something that shouldn't have been seen without an NSFW tag.

Back in the day I would have said that Fark is not your personal furry B&D erotica site.

But now I'm not so sure. :-)


img.fark.net
t0.gstatic.com

I agree that Fark isn't my personal furry erotica site.
No sir, it's my *public* furry erotica site. I like to share.
 
2014-02-25 07:37:16 AM  

doglover: If those who choose to pray properly have their prayers answered, how is that a violation of free will?


Let's apply a little logic here, shall we?

Say that you pray for a specific outcome. If god had a different outcome in mind, then you are praying to change god's mind. In essence, telling god that god's planned outcome is wrong, and lobbying for your intended outcome. I doubt your god will be very accommodating in the face of the implied insult. If god's intended outcome is the same as your outcome, it's possible that god may become offended at your cheekiness and deliberately switch to another outcome out of spite. You would hope that your god wouldn't be that petty, but let's be realistic here. This is a god who closely watches everybody's genitals all of the time, as well as one who condemned all of humanity for two toddlers being corrupted by the degenerate that god left them alone with. I think your god's plenty petty enough.
 
2014-02-25 07:37:21 AM  

Day_Old_Dutchie: Hallelujah!
[s28.postimg.org image 580x427]
Steve Jobs is up there looking out for me!

http://www.mactrast.com/2012/02/iphone-stops-a-speeding-bullet-saves -o wners-life/


It's all good if someone is shooting a .22 at you. But you'd be ass-out with a .45
 
2014-02-25 07:38:46 AM  
 
2014-02-25 07:40:27 AM  
Well this proves that there is a God if the man did not die.
 
2014-02-25 07:40:34 AM  
That bus driver is a bad ass.  He was able to fight off ALL of his attackers, and survived a point blank shooting.

/In other news, Dayton, Ohio is a shiat hole.
 
2014-02-25 07:42:25 AM  
I'm going to need more Watchtowers.
 
2014-02-25 07:46:27 AM  

Somacandra: mamoru: But as an honorary, if not official, member of the Fark Anti-Religion Brigade (or whatever we're being called now), it's obligatory to get a dig in. ;)

How about the Fark Anti-Religion Tiraders?

F.A.R.T. has a nice ring to it :-)


I second your motion.
 
2014-02-25 07:48:49 AM  

doglover: mamoru: he couldn't be bothered to intervene in the lives of the assailants to prevent them becoming attempted murderers.

Actually, it's my understanding that in the dogma God made humans specifically to have free will. That's why sin CAN exist. They choose to become murderers. God prevented it because it wasn't part of HIS plan. The reason God doesn't interfere more is because free will was part of his plan, too. The angels have no free will but do only God's will.

If you're going mock a religion, at least try to get the central tenant right. They worship the image of a demi-god letting himself be crucified as penance for the sins of all mankind. It's been going strong for 2000 years, most of which they've spent inventing philosophical tools like symbolic logic, spelling, and the revolver. I'm pretty sure there's less cognitive dissonance than you're implying.


Nowhere is Free Will mentioned in the bible, and god never talks about it. To my mom, we are all technically in rebellion all the damn time. Childhood was fun.
 
2014-02-25 07:48:57 AM  
This is why I go around with The Book of Om on my at all times...


That big boy would stop a SAM.
 
2014-02-25 07:49:17 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: In the movie "The Experts", the defecting Russian agent is gunned down by the other Russian agent but is saved when the bullet is stopped by the Japanese portable cassette player in his pocket.

So God is Japanese. I really think so.


OK, I LOLd. Where have you been?
 
2014-02-25 07:50:02 AM  

doglover: mamoru: he couldn't be bothered to intervene in the lives of the assailants to prevent them becoming attempted murderers.

Actually, it's my understanding that in the dogma God made humans specifically to have free will. That's why sin CAN exist. They choose to become murderers. God prevented it because it wasn't part of HIS plan. The reason God doesn't interfere more is because free will was part of his plan, too. The angels have no free will but do only God's will.

If you're going mock a religion, at least try to get the central tenant right. They worship the image of a demi-god letting himself be crucified as penance for the sins of all mankind. It's been going strong for 2000 years, most of which they've spent inventing philosophical tools like symbolic logic, spelling, and the revolver. I'm pretty sure there's less cognitive dissonance than you're implying.


Welcome to Fark. The F.A.R.T. Patrol never allows logic or common sense to cloud their judgment.
 
2014-02-25 07:50:50 AM  

doglover: namatad: an innocent is killed by god ... god is great
an asshole is killed by god ... god is ...
an asshole lives by god ... god is ....
terrorists blow up the trade center god is great
god prevents a different suicide bomb ...


fark it
god is a complete and total asshole

god let bush 2.0 not choke to death on that pretzle ... god is an asshole

Well, yeah. Didn't ever read the old testament.

oglaf.com nails this one.

[media.oglaf.com image 760x596]


Who are the dickheads in the first panel?
 
2014-02-25 07:53:23 AM  

doglover: But if you've got a strapping big thunder god like Thor who's too busy dressing up like his sister to get his hammer back from horny giants to stop and help every warrior with a rock in his shoe


Fark is not you personal theological erotica site

/But it should be
 
2014-02-25 07:54:19 AM  
So he disarmed all three and then stormed Benghazi and bashed in some guys face with his rifle butt. And then his hot girlfriend moved to Canada.
 
2014-02-25 08:03:08 AM  

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: doglover: But if you've got a strapping big thunder god like Thor who's too busy dressing up like his sister to get his hammer back from horny giants to stop and help every warrior with a rock in his shoe

Fark is not you personal theological erotica site

/But it should be


bonekindred.weebly.com
 
2014-02-25 08:14:24 AM  

doglover: namatad: an innocent is killed by god ... god is great
an asshole is killed by god ... god is ...
an asshole lives by god ... god is ....
terrorists blow up the trade center god is great
god prevents a different suicide bomb ...


fark it
god is a complete and total asshole

god let bush 2.0 not choke to death on that pretzle ... god is an asshole

Well, yeah. Didn't ever read the old testament.

oglaf.com nails this one.

[media.oglaf.com image 760x596]


Hey dog, thanks for the NSFW website.
I thought "hey, a new webcomic to read, let's check that shiat out". All the 'back' 'next' 'latest' 'first' ect links are squirting penises.
Which I didn't notice when I started reading the comic until a female coworker walked by and asked why I had a bunch of dicks on my screen.

So yeah, an awesome start to the morning.

Hope you got room on your couch for me and three dogs when I get fired.
 
2014-02-25 08:15:49 AM  
It's been proven time and time again, Jesus is NOT going to stop bullets. Heck, he couldn't even stop a couple of nails.
 
2014-02-25 08:16:06 AM  
i1.ytimg.com

Doesn't always work
 
2014-02-25 08:16:49 AM  
Oh for fark's sake.

Here come the facebook posts about how god is good and this is a miracle.  All of which will ignore the fact that SOMEONE farkING SHOT HIM FOR FUN!
 
2014-02-25 08:19:22 AM  

mamoru: doglover: I don't think even the Christians think their god is omnipotent.

Hmmm... Really? I obviously think otherwise. I wonder if there is any good data regarding this. I mean, the phrase "God Almighty" is common enough, and I'm pretty sure Christians who say it, especially during religious services and such, mean it. But it could very well be said without thinking. I'd bet a huge majority really haven't given it much thought as most have been brought up with it and simply accept it because they always have.

I'm sure all of us, or at least many of us, could spout of anecdotes about Christians believing one way or the other, but I wonder if this is something that has actually ever been measured and if there is any data out there.

I wonder if any of Fark's resident Christians would be willing to chime in, in an obviously not-at-all-scientific-non-representative-just-out-of-curiosity poll: Do you believe your deity is all-powerful?


To the first emboldened comment, that was not my experience growing up in a devout Catholic family. I was never given the impression in all of the teachings that god was not omnipotent. He was very much an intervening god.

To the second emboldened comment, that was very much my experience. I never was encouraged to examine the bible or the churches teachings with a logical eye, for obvious reasons. I think that the church counts on the fact that nobody questions it.
/F.A.R.T
 
2014-02-25 08:20:51 AM  

RobSeace: What a Tut Suite may look like...


Got a condo made of stone-a
 
2014-02-25 08:31:34 AM  

MythDragon: Hey dog, thanks for the NSFW website.


I didn't provide a link, just a name. Just because "dot com" happens to be both the name and the url, you can't pin that on me. Anyway the site has a warning page that explains the comic is more or less NSFW.

You did all that to yourself. That's free will. Unless...

24.media.tumblr.com
 
2014-02-25 08:47:14 AM  
lh6.googleusercontent.com

God came down from Heaven and stopped these motherfarking bullets.
 
2014-02-25 08:49:11 AM  
"There really is a God. I was shot at and my Bible lieutenant absorbed the bullets"
 
2014-02-25 08:54:22 AM  

hardinparamedic: Mike_LowELL: [s3.amazonaws.com image 600x300]

Picture taken right before the incident.

[i.imgur.com image 720x540]

Woah ho. Almost posted something that shouldn't have been seen without an NSFW tag.


Wasn't entirely expecting to see furry bondage while browsing Fark.

...not that I'm particularly opposed or anything. Just a surprise is all.
 
2014-02-25 08:57:03 AM  
God invented hell.

Hell is the most evil concept ever imagined.

Therefore god is evil (or, more likely, non-existent (along with hell)).
 
2014-02-25 09:00:14 AM  
Since this is such a SERIOUS thread, allow me to inject a bit of jocularity.

/from Woody Allen's 1964 stand up routine:

"Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet...a bullet, and I put it in my breast pocket.

Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest.

The bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet in my breast pocket."
 
2014-02-25 09:00:19 AM  
eil.com

Approves
 
2014-02-25 09:01:34 AM  
That's wonderful," said Peterson, who is 81. "I've heard stories about that happening during the second World War. I'm glad to be in the club."

I wonder whether there are any german WWII vets who were saved by Mein Kampf ...

doglover: Actually, it's my understanding that in the dogma God made humans specifically to have free will. That's why sin CAN exist. They choose to become murderers. God prevented it because it wasn't part of HIS plan. The reason God doesn't interfere more is because free will was part of his plan, too. The angels have no free will but do only God's will.


The problem I have with this "free will needs evil" thing is this: If the XPN God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving, why did he not grant us free will without creating evil? If he could not, then he is not all-powerful. If he didn't know how ...etc.

(I see Oglaf has already been posted)
 
2014-02-25 09:09:12 AM  
Gee, that's interesting, one of the few articles that didn't mention it as a "polar bear' attack.  No screening on Fark....
 
2014-02-25 09:12:38 AM  

doglover: MythDragon: Hey dog, thanks for the NSFW website.

I didn't provide a link, just a name. Just because "dot com" happens to be both the name and the url, you can't pin that on me. Anyway the site has a warning page that explains the comic is more or less NSFW.

You did all that to yourself. That's free will. Unless...

[24.media.tumblr.com image 500x375]


I can and will pin that on you. In fact, from now on, I am blaming you for *all* my troubles.
Get summoned to HR. Your fault.
Get popped for speeding. Your fault.
Suddenly decide to start smoking meth and end up in a downward spiral that cumulates with me giving $5 blowjobs behind a what-a-burger dumpster. Totally your fault.

/And I got no such warning page. Just comics and dick.
 
2014-02-25 09:17:32 AM  

doglover: Anyway the site has a warning page that explains the comic is more or less NSFW.


The hell it does
 
2014-02-25 09:35:26 AM  

MythDragon: And I got no such warning page.


The Slush: doglover: Anyway the site has a warning page that explains the comic is more or less NSFW.

The hell it does


Really? I ALWAYS get that page on computers that ain't my daily.

Hmmm.

This http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110822232603/oglaf/images/4/43/Ns fw.png is supposed to pop up when you visit for the first time.
 
2014-02-25 09:38:00 AM  

doglover: MythDragon: And I got no such warning page.

The Slush: doglover: Anyway the site has a warning page that explains the comic is more or less NSFW.

The hell it does

Really? I ALWAYS get that page on computers that ain't my daily.

Hmmm.

This http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110822232603/oglaf/images/4/43/Ns fw.png is supposed to pop up when you visit for the first time.


Actually, no, that's a bad url.

Hmm.
 
2014-02-25 09:38:32 AM  

doglover: Actually, it's my understanding that in the dogma God made humans specifically to have free will. That's why sin CAN exist. They choose to become murderers. God prevented it because it wasn't part of HIS plan. The reason God doesn't interfere more is because free will was part of his plan, too. The angels have no free will but do only God's will.


That is what I have heard as well, though I hadn't heard the angels bit, though it sounds in line with the rest of their thinking.

The problem with free will is that 1) if one is all-knowing, then why punish/reward people for things that aren't choices? Somewhere in the OT it even says something like "I know all that will become". So, why you down on us when we do the things that make us interesting ie sin, when you knew it was going to happen inevitably? 2) why is there a "plan" anyway? If I was an all-good God, I would just make perfection and happiness. Free will? Sure. BOOM: NO EVIL. No Satan, no death even. If I can think in 2 seconds how I would be a better God and not have to execute a sadistic "plan" for my amusement, then something is seriously wrong with that system. 3) why does a god need to be worshiped? That's...megalomania-level scary...

I mean what is this, the Matrix? Did the first people not accept the program? Is God bound by other rules? If so, why call him God? That is my problem with the supernatural: creating one causes more problems than it solves. I'd rather keep our main questions unanswerable than invent bad answers that spawn thousands of followup questions. It's ok to say "I don't know".
 
2014-02-25 09:46:25 AM  
i heard it stopped at Isaiah, since that's really difficult to get through.
 
2014-02-25 09:47:10 AM  
You guys are all wrong... God is just playing a game of Calvin Ball with us.
 
2014-02-25 09:51:36 AM  
This is why you never half ass it by carrying one of those mini-Bibles that is just the Gospels.
 
2014-02-25 10:02:01 AM  
I was saved once when a religious nut threw his bible at me and it deflected off a shirt pocket full of bullets that I was carrying.
 
2014-02-25 10:04:04 AM  
My favorite interpretation is that God, being all-knowing, knows of each and every path the timeline could take, ie: all the infinite parallel universes for every possible combination of decisions/actions.  Then he just lets us free will it and sees where it goes, sort of like plinko, but otherwise intervenes when necessary.  This way free will basically exists while God remains all-knowing and can even 'have a plan' if he wants to go mess around with what's going on.

Unfortunately, that brings up even greater issues, like if every possible thing that could ever happen does happen but in different universes, which 'plan' are we in and does free will actually exist given that we've brute forced our way through every possibility? Are we in the trial run or the real timeline?  Morally, how should we feel about our other selves getting screwed with an inferior plan if we happen to be in the main timeline?

Otherwise, as far as letting bad things happen. I'm pretty sure God likes drama and we're his entertainment.  It's like if you put a caterpillar and a beetle in a pen as a 10-year old and try to get them to fight.  Except in our case, we actually do instead of crawl around trying to escape.
 
2014-02-25 10:06:39 AM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: It'd take a 30mm depleted uranium round to punch through bullsh*t that dense


It would probably take a whole clip of them.
 
2014-02-25 10:10:15 AM  

PC LOAD LETTER: The problem with free will is that I haven't taken an introductory level course on the subject.



I don't have time go through and I'm not a christian anyway. Suffice ti to say der are answeres to yer questions. goodnight.
 
2014-02-25 10:14:23 AM  

doglover: PC LOAD LETTER: The problem with free will is that I haven't taken an introductory level course on the subject.


I don't have time go through and I'm not a christian anyway. Suffice ti to say der are answeres to yer questions. goodnight.


No there aren't answers. There are logical fallacies. I have heard the answers and I was a Christian when younger. Goodnight.
 
2014-02-25 10:18:24 AM  
Time for BIBLE ARMOR!
 
2014-02-25 10:20:53 AM  
Free Will. You are responsible for your own actions and the outcome of them. One day you will be mature enough to realize this.There comes a point in your life when you must learn to stop blaming other people. Regardless of your actions, God will still stand by you. It's why stupidity isn't a sin.


Unanswered Prayers. God (Holy Spirit) answers all prayers; you just might not like the answers you receive. Also, the answers come in God's time, not ours. If you don't believe me, just ask Tim Tebow; some things are more important than a football game.


Reading is Fundamental. It wouldn't have matter if he had been reading The Holy Bible, Harry Potter, Dante's Inferno or a Danielle Steele novel, a GOOD BOOK will bring happiness into your life. Support your local library.
 
2014-02-25 10:28:26 AM  
Meh. Altlas Shrugged, The Necronomicon, or Harry Potter would have done the same.
 
2014-02-25 10:34:17 AM  
I knew someone who had a bible with two bullet holes in it. It was her brother's. Apparently, he got drunk one night and had his buddy shoot at him with a .22 while he was holding it out in front of his chest.  They got a good bit of the way through it. In case you're wondering, the reason she had it was because Darwin caught up with him later in a flood.
 
2014-02-25 10:37:13 AM  

utah dude: i heard it stopped at Isaiah, since that's really difficult to get through.


You just made me laugh. Everyone is staring at me...
 
2014-02-25 10:50:05 AM  
utah dude: i heard it stopped at Isaiah, since that's really difficult to get through.

No, Chronicles 1 and 2 are difficult to get through. They read like an advertisement for Ancestry.com.
 
2014-02-25 10:54:12 AM  
This is why more people need to be carrying around Jack Chick tracts.
 
2014-02-25 11:05:29 AM  
So if my mother goes into the hospital for routine surgery and dies, it was "God's plan".  As in, God predetermined that my mother was going to die on that surgery table.

So why would people "pray" for my mother's safe recovery prior to the surgery?  If it's "God's Plan" that she should die, are we asking God to change his mind?  And if we're asking God to change his mind of a decision he's already made, isn't that questioning God?  And if we pray hard enough to change the outcome of God's predetermined plan, then haven't we just proven God is not infallible since he is, in essence, correcting a mistake?

It would be a lot easier to believe in a god if someone could just once and for all explain what kind of god he is without hitting a million contradictions.
 
2014-02-25 11:27:06 AM  

baka-san: This is why I go around with The Book of Om on my at all times...


That big boy would stop a SAM.


Likewise the Urantia Book!
 
2014-02-25 11:34:20 AM  
Carry Finnegan's Wake. When the bullet gets all turned around and says 'fark this', either a bystander will get hit, or the shooter themselves.
 
2014-02-25 11:47:13 AM  

Somacandra: mamoru: But as an honorary, if not official, member of the Fark Anti-Religion Brigade (or whatever we're being called now), it's obligatory to get a dig in. ;)

How about the Fark Anti-Religion Tiraders?

F.A.R.T. has a nice ring to it :-)


I.B. ??

Intelligence Brigade

(formerly known as PERC before they went full retard)
 
2014-02-25 11:51:05 AM  

Somacandra: hardinparamedic: Almost posted something that shouldn't have been seen without an NSFW tag.

Back in the day I would have said that gayFarkchan/b/ is not your personal furry B&D erotica site.

But now I'm not so sure. :-)


that's because your a moran, well duh

lelz
 
2014-02-25 11:51:51 AM  

TheOnion: hardinparamedic: MaudlinMutantMollusk: It'd take a 20mm depleted uranium round to punch through bullsh*t that dense

I wonder if it's as legitimate as the cop who's badge stopped a bullet.

The story does seem a bit far fetched doesn't it?  He was outnumbered three to one, he was shot in the leg and stabbed in the arm, but apparently still managed to disarm one person of a gun and another of a knife, after which all three fled.  I'm not saying that's impossible, but if it turns out to be false I won't exactly be shocked.


Seems like a tight grouping for gangbangers. I think he accidentally shot himself in the leg with a gun he wasn't supposed to have on the job then stabbed himself and blamed it all on black kids.

And you know what that would make him.
 
2014-02-25 11:54:05 AM  

StubePT: So if my mother goes into the hospital for routine surgery and dies, it was "God's plan".  As in, God predetermined that my mother was going to die on that surgery table.

So why would people "pray" for my mother's safe recovery prior to the surgery?  If it's "God's Plan" that she should die, are we asking God to change his mind?  And if we're asking God to change his mind of a decision he's already made, isn't that questioning God?  And if we pray hard enough to change the outcome of God's predetermined plan, then haven't we just proven God is not infallible since he is, in essence, correcting a mistake?

It would be a lot easier to believe in a god if someone could just once and for all explain what kind of god he is without hitting a million contradictions.


Prayer is an attempt to coerce god.
Even prayers of thanks.
(If I dont thank god with prayer, he might not help me again or might get angry or whatever...)


Typical Prayers are almost always missing the implied second half.
GOD, BLESS OUR NATION or HOLY BATTLE!!  implied second half, and screw the other guy!!

God Bless America and not those other heathen nations.

But Seriously, 
Why dont "religious" americans say "god bless everyone" instead of "god bless america"??
Do they think that their god is so tiny and spiteful??
 
2014-02-25 12:02:31 PM  

Jim_Callahan: // No one has ever resolved Theodicy without using one of the three, don't feel bad if you can't either... I mean, non-monotheists will continue to mock you because it's an entirely legitimate criticism and it's funny, but in the context of still being Christian etc you don't need to feel like you're a bad Christian or whatever.


Is that a general "you" or me specifically? If my previous posts didn't make it obvious, I am not Christian, nor religious at all. Probably simplest to count me amongst F.A.R.T. ;)

doglover: This http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110822232603/oglaf/images/4/43/Ns fw.png is supposed to pop up when you visit for the first time.

Actually, no, that's a bad url.

Hmm.


The URL is fine, except for the space which gets inserted between the s and f in Nsfw.png. Remove it, and that's the image. But, yeah, I periodically get that too when visiting the site. Oglaf is a hilarious comic (and yes, for those who haven't checked it out, very NSFW). :D
 
2014-02-25 12:26:44 PM  

Deep Contact: I was saved once when a religious nut threw his bible at me and it deflected off a shirt pocket full of bullets that I was carrying.


Scroll up about 10-11 posts....
 
2014-02-25 12:34:49 PM  
I assume city buses there have cameras. Most I've seen lately have a front, rear and inside camera. So I assume police saw a tape and it went down as the driver said. Although you would think they would release a clip or still.

/God made sure they weren't using a real round with some punch. 5.7 would have gone though that book like butter.
 
2014-02-25 01:19:58 PM  

doglover: mamoru: he couldn't be bothered to intervene in the lives of the assailants to prevent them becoming attempted murderers.

Actually, it's my understanding that in the dogma God made humans specifically to have free will. That's why sin CAN exist. They choose to become murderers. God prevented it because it wasn't part of HIS plan. The reason God doesn't interfere more is because free will was part of his plan, too. The angels have no free will but do only God's will.

If you're going mock a religion, at least try to get the central tenant right. They worship the image of a demi-god letting himself be crucified as penance for the sins of all mankind. It's been going strong for 2000 years, most of which they've spent inventing philosophical tools like symbolic logic, spelling, and the revolver. I'm pretty sure there's less cognitive dissonance than you're implying.


You mean "tenet". If you're going to be a smartass use the correct words when doing so.
 
2014-02-25 01:28:57 PM  
Posts about the fact that pimply 14 year olds are wandering around with guns committing cold blooded murder to get "all the way in the club", 1.  Posts about "z0mg teh god botherers!" 111.  Impressive.
 
2014-02-25 01:48:21 PM  

namatad: god is a COMPLETE and total asshole.
what kind of tiny dicked little god would save this moron???


No.  God IS a bullet.

So have mercy on us everyone.
 
2014-02-25 01:52:22 PM  
Free will and an omniscient god are mutually exclusive.
 
2014-02-25 01:53:55 PM  

doglover: If you're going mock a religion, at least try to get the central tenant right.


Tee-hee.  Pedants and their petards, hoisting away.

There is, however, only one Central Tennant:

i.telegraph.co.uk
 
2014-02-25 01:55:14 PM  

ristst: Deep Contact: I was saved once when a religious nut threw his bible at me and it deflected off a shirt pocket full of bullets that I was carrying.

Scroll up about 10-11 posts....


Cool.
 
2014-02-25 02:39:41 PM  
So if my mother goes into the hospital for routine surgery and dies, it was "God's plan".


Sorry, but if your mother goes into surgery and dies, you may want to ask yourself, "Did I really spend any time talking to her surgeon beforehand? Did I really spend any time making sure this was the best hospital to have the surgery performed in?"

Stop blaming God for your mistakes!
 
2014-02-25 04:55:07 PM  

waltpeter: So if my mother goes into the hospital for routine surgery and dies, it was "God's plan".


Sorry, but if your mother goes into surgery and dies, you may want to ask yourself, "Did I really spend any time talking to her surgeon beforehand? Did I really spend any time making sure this was the best hospital to have the surgery performed in?"

Stop blaming God for your mistakes!


As soon as you guys stop crediting god for everything good that happens we will stop calling you hypocrites for not blaming him for everything bad that happens.  The religious are the ones that want it both ways.

Instead of "Thank god that tornado didn't kill me!" how about "Hey god, why were you such an asshole killing all my neighbors with that tornado!?!".

God is involved or he is not. He's responsible for the outcome (positive or negative) or he isn't. Always playing it to god's favor is pathetic and transparent.
 
2014-02-25 05:24:31 PM  

Farking Canuck: God is involved or he is not. He's responsible for the outcome (positive or negative) or he isn't. Always playing it to god's favor is pathetic and transparent.


correct.
 
2014-02-25 06:29:26 PM  
media4.onsugar.com
 
2014-02-25 10:58:33 PM  
Now unless that bible was in a stainless steel dust jacket, I have an awful hard time believing this... Mythbusters tried books as being bulletproof and a .22 went right through 400 pages. So unless the perp's gun was a peashooter it seems unlikely.

A phone book yeah, but I really can't see someone carrying one of those around in their jacket for obvious reasons...
 
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