Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Stuff.co.nz)   What your coffee order says about you. Hipster, retro-cool or snob?   (stuff.co.nz ) divider line
    More: Interesting, coffee order, snob, morally superior, coffee  
•       •       •

7998 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Feb 2014 at 12:56 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



158 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2014-02-22 06:05:23 AM  

fireclown: The same way I like my women: costing me less than 3 bucks.


The same way I like my women: large cup size.
 
2014-02-22 06:13:09 AM  

Fark You I'm Drunk: Fark You I'm Drunk: Or you taste in men.

Your. fark me.

[i1.ytimg.com image 480x360]


I like my coffee how I like my women. One every morning, some ground up in the freezer and some on the way from Brazil tied up in a sack on the back of a donkey. Also strong, short, creamy, and fairly thick.

I like ristretto with some frothy milk. Specifically a short cortado. Nobody can understand the coffee I ask for at coffee shops in the UK so I bought my own Krups machine. Might move up to a slightly larger model that gets plumbed in but that will be later in the year.

Over here they have trouble understanding `short`, the people on the other side of the counter call it `expresso` (and then still serve it slowly) Half the time they do not understand the difference between `less` and `more`.

It goes like this. Your order will be eaten by an orangutan and shat out. Then an attempt will be made to `read` the droppings of the orangutan by a civet using voodoo. This will be shown to a crow using interpretive dance who will then relay the message via telepathy to the monkey that actually makes your coffee. Who makes it with the orangutan poop.

It`s probably less involved than that but the results are the same.

I once spent about 2 minutes trying to get the coffee server to understand I wanted 4 shots of espresso but with less water than normal and some milk so it would end up very strong and short.

I ended up with a cup filled to the brim with weak coffee and some milk in a jug and these people were Italian...

I like the coffee in Spain. You order a cafe con leche (coffee with milk) and what you get is pretty much a perfect cortado (naturally *all* coffee is espresso, you want at least three shots in your cup, and all milk is warmed and frothed, what are you, barbarians?) and to get different you have to make a specific order. And it`s £2 on the lovely beach front cafe and £1 in town.

Perfect.
 
2014-02-22 06:32:14 AM  

DreamyAltarBoy: Coffee regular (milk and two sugars).

Back the fark off, it's just a beverage.


THANK you! Just a damn coffee regular.
 
2014-02-22 06:33:58 AM  

erveek: With half&half and maple syrup.


<eyes the bottle of Canadian dark amber in the fridge seductively...>
 
2014-02-22 06:48:07 AM  
a good cup of coffee does not need sweetener. if you're adding sweetener, your coffee is shiat.
 
2014-02-22 06:48:13 AM  
Espresso.  Cappuccino is strictly for breakfast ... and girls who don't like coffee but like to be seen with a cup in their hand.
 
2014-02-22 06:56:48 AM  
I just like coffee, usually from a French Press....but, I will admit that a while back there was a coffee shop that had a drink called a pile driver....5 shots of espresso topped with strong black coffee.  I drank more of those that I probably should have.

So...in  short, no milk, no sugar, no other crap in my coffee, it is about the caffeine not the calories.
 
2014-02-22 06:58:21 AM  

Nicholas D. Wolfwood: How about, "I don't go to coffee shops, I buy ground coffee, brew it myself, and drink it black.  At a diner or restaurant, I take what they've got.  Black."




This. And I think it says I don't have time for a fandom based around a beverage.

/I do sometimes blend it with butter or add some skim milk
//aeropress with the darkest roast I can find
 
2014-02-22 07:02:05 AM  

ThatDarkFellow: RoyBatty: 1. Turkish/Greek/Israeli (heavy sweetener) with chaser of water
2. Double espresso (a little cream and some splenda) (been told I should get a macchiato instead)
3. Drip with cream and splenda
4. Drip blended with cream, melted butter and perhaps melted coconut oil and splenda. (which is shockingly tasty)

Sounds like a fat bomb someone would drink on a ketogenic diet.




I drink it blended with just butter sometimes. It's a lot better than cream and gives it a really silky texture. Also more filling and makes the caffeine kick in a bit slower.
 
2014-02-22 07:15:54 AM  
Plain black coffee. No milk, no cream, no sugar, and no FREAKING FLAVOURS. Coffee flavoured coffee please.
/just like the Dennis Leary rant from years ago
 
2014-02-22 07:21:38 AM  
Your favorite Coffee is whatever you get Used to. Many years ago I stopped at this one 7-11 every AM for my coffee and paper. That was the routine, Then some time later they built a Royal Farm Store just 2 blocks from my office so I started stopping there every AM. More years later I was sent to another location and not far from that place was a Dunkin Donuts so that became my regular stop. I noticed long ago that if I went on a trip somewhere either on business or on my own, drinking anyone else's coffee in the AM just didn't taste right. So I came to the conclusion that it's whatever you become accustomed to. Now where I'm located there are no stops enroute to work except for 3 different Gas Stations and I've decided that I don't want to stop at those places in the morning so I've stopped drinking coffee. I don't miss it anymore.
 
2014-02-22 07:31:07 AM  
i94.photobucket.com
Freshly ground Tanzanian Peaberry with a touch of Rapadura after a clean siphon.....

Yeah!   I'm gonna have to go with SNOB...uber Coffee SNOB....but OMG it's the best ever.
 
2014-02-22 07:37:51 AM  
I apologise in advance for the offence I'm about to cause, but American-style coffee is appalling. Buy an espresso machine or a French press or even a little Italian perker, and you'll make great black coffee.

That brewed stuff you drink tastes like boiled testicles.
 
2014-02-22 07:47:26 AM  

Ennuipoet: Black?


Yeah, I couldn't see that option either. You can't get a farking cup og coffee in USA? Is this about having to tip the server? Sorry, Barrista...
 
2014-02-22 07:47:51 AM  
I get my caffeine the way God intended:


 static.guim.co.uk


/Never liked the taste of coffee
 
2014-02-22 07:50:44 AM  
weknowmemes.com
 
2014-02-22 07:54:19 AM  
I usually order a Caffe Maserati Testarossa. Some places don't know what this is so I explain it's a Diet Pepsi with a shot of 5-Hour Energy and a Twix bar on the side.
 
2014-02-22 08:09:38 AM  

laid back w/bud light: Cumberland farms 16oz. For $1.08 black with sugar.


Ayuh.
 
2014-02-22 08:09:59 AM  
I don't smoke- I've seen what happens to someone who dies from emphysema, not pretty.
I don't do drugs- My parents would have literally killed me when I was younger so I never really got into that.
I don't drink except on very rare occasions.

My only real vice: caffeine.
img.fark.net
 
2014-02-22 08:14:25 AM  
googledrive.com
 
2014-02-22 08:17:56 AM  

LincolnLogolas: Dragonblink: It means I want a goddamn latte, and I'm stuck with decaf so I don't caffeinate the baby. That's all.

One cup is fine per day. Besides, the chemicals used in the decaf process probably aren't good for babby.


Lots of decaf these days is extracted with supercritical carbon dioxide, so no residue at all. Still, a little caffeine, like a little alcohol, isn't going to hurt a baby. And keeping mommy sane is a noble goal.
 
2014-02-22 08:19:06 AM  
It's baffling to me that people still pigeonhole each other into little groups based on some trivial matter... and that they pay for coffee to be made for them.  It's just a drink.
 
2014-02-22 08:33:40 AM  

steerforth: I apologise in advance for the offence I'm about to cause, but American-style coffee is appalling. Buy an espresso machine or a French press or even a little Italian perker, and you'll make great black coffee.

That brewed stuff you drink tastes like boiled testicles.


You're mostly right. At its best, American cafe is getting closer to what they serve in Sweden or Austria. Just in bigger cups. Most is still nasty weak stuff that needs to be diluted with milk and sweetened just to be drinkable.
 
2014-02-22 08:36:31 AM  
If you don't drink your coffee straight-up black without any of that foppish cream or sugar in it you're little girl who should probably just get some hot chocolate.
 
2014-02-22 08:40:40 AM  
So it seems that if you drink coffee in any form, you are an asshole of some level? Do I have that right?
 
2014-02-22 08:51:45 AM  

Beerguy: Well, since I had to give up caffeine because of a heart condition (P. A C.), I rarely order coffee anymore and when I do it is decaf.

Boring as hell, but at least I don't feel like my heart is skipping beats anymore.


I feel your pain. Coffee does the same thing to me. Back when I was a receptionist and made the coffee for the office, I drank too much of it during the day and my heart was skipping beats every thirty seconds. That was fun. I've since quit coffee and switched to tea.
 
2014-02-22 08:52:18 AM  

LincolnLogolas: Dragonblink: It means I want a goddamn latte, and I'm stuck with decaf so I don't caffeinate the baby. That's all.

One cup is fine per day. Besides, the chemicals used in the decaf process probably aren't good for babby.


I have noted a direct correlation between me having coffee (or Coke) and the baby deciding sleep is for suckers. So I get one cup of tea in the morning and that's it as far as real caffeine. If I hadn't hooked my wife on lattes my espresso machine would be gathering dust.

Used to have a pretty serious caffeine habit before I started the whole "trying to get knocked up" process. Lemme tell you, I'm counting the days till I can get back to it. On the bright side, I have yet more evidence that despite what people assume, my chronic insomnia is  not caused by caffeine ...

/drank cough syrup from the bottle at age 8 trying to get to sleep
//wasn't even allowed to drink Coke at that age
 
2014-02-22 08:56:42 AM  

henryhill: So it seems that if you drink coffee in any form, you are an asshole of some level? Do I have that right?


Pretty much. But cut off our caffeine at your own risk...
 
2014-02-22 09:20:05 AM  

DreamyAltarBoy: Coffee regular (milk and two sugars).

Back the fark off, it's just a beverage.


Regular coffee and a bagel.

The breakfast of champions.

/well, one of them.
//don't ask about the others
 
2014-02-22 09:31:35 AM  

I eat mop: a good cup of coffee does not need sweetener. if you're adding sweetener, your coffee is shiat.


Or, you know, you like sugar in your coffee.
 
2014-02-22 09:36:57 AM  
I'm sitting in Starbucks right now so I'm getting a kick...
/black
 
2014-02-22 09:42:33 AM  
On weekdays, I'll do the bulletproof coffee thing with kerrygold butter and MCT oil.

On weekends, three egg yolks, some coconut oil, cocoa powder, and a little chocolate stevia. Yes, it's weird, but it's better than anything at any coffee shop I've been to. Creamy and chocolatey.

Lunch can wait until mid afternoon after that.
 
2014-02-22 09:58:06 AM  

DreamyAltarBoy: Enigmamf: LincolnLogolas: Turksish with assloads of sugar. It says "Fark you, I want more caffeine than your measly espresso machine can muster". Hard to find a coffee shop that does it, and most that do call it "Greek Coffee" so they don't sound all Muslimy.

They could go with Armenian, though I suppose most Americans aren't aware Armenians are predominantly Christian.

Most Americans aren't even aware of Armenians.


I would venture to guess every single American knows the Kardashians. To our eternal shame.
 
2014-02-22 10:03:06 AM  

Derkins: I'm sitting in Starbucks right now so I'm getting a kick...
/black


that's racist

/americano from indonesian beans.
 
2014-02-22 10:28:49 AM  

cwolf20: That coffee disgusts me unless it's in ice cold smoothie form with whipped cream, at least one kind of flavored syrup, and maybe some m&M's in it to completely eradicate the taste of coffee.  Voila. I get the caffeine and I'm not disgusted.



Sounds like cwolf here hasn't had coffee in Europe...
 
2014-02-22 10:34:05 AM  

Dragonblink: It means I want a goddamn latte, and I'm stuck with decaf so I don't caffeinate the baby. That's all.


I had the occasional cup of joe when I was knocked up*.  The kid turned out fine.  No health issues, no allergies, almost never gets sick.  She's 6 years old---the youngest kid in her first grade class---and she's been identified as being "gifted".

*I also enjoyed carpaccio, sushi, sashimi, soft cheeses, and nuts while preggers.
 
2014-02-22 10:46:07 AM  
I do not order coffee.  I make it at home.
 
2014-02-22 11:07:08 AM  
Folger's Instant...at home.

*shrugs*
 
2014-02-22 11:24:39 AM  
Bialetti moka pot at home. French press in my office. Locally roasted, freshly ground beans for both (espresso for Moka, French roast for the other). Hit it with a bit of whole milk. No sugar.

It only seems complicated if you're dumb.
 
2014-02-22 11:44:57 AM  
Cappuccino. Given that I would be quite happy to drink it listening to the Cure or Cocteau Twins must put me in the 80s retro category.
 
2014-02-22 11:48:10 AM  
There's some borderline hipsters in here throwing around the word hipster like they think it will distance themselves from it.
 
2014-02-22 11:59:09 AM  

LockeOak: Essentially all coffee in New Zealand coffee shops is espresso-based. You can't get drip-brewed coffee, it does not exist in stores and I don't think I've seen a drip coffee machine anywhere. At home you either have a French press ("plunger") or a stovetop coffee maker (moka pot). Both are much better than drip coffee makers.

What I'm saying is New Zealand coffee is awesome.


Then I'm bringing drip coffee to New Zealand, and there's nothing you can do about it! By my hand, it will become a norm!!!
 
2014-02-22 12:00:30 PM  
Have never bought coffee in a coffee joint.
 
2014-02-22 12:06:40 PM  
Caffeine gives me violent diarrhea.  Decaf still has enough caffeine in it to potentially set me off, so I drink roasted barley from the homebrew store.  Now...if I could just find a nice mild stimulant to go with it.  I'd probably try khat if it was legal.
 
2014-02-22 12:07:03 PM  
As long as the thread is still active...

In Robert A, Heinlein's novel 'Glory Road', Oscar declares that

"there are five grades of coffee - Coffee, Java, Jamoke, Joe, and Carbon Remover.  This stuff was no better than grade four."

Buddy of mine was acting as a SysAdmin / Developer at a big place, tells me one time management was hosting a client meeting - and grabbed the pot of Programmer Coffee by mistake.
 
2014-02-22 12:57:00 PM  

johnny queso: DreamyAltarBoy: Enigmamf: LincolnLogolas: Turksish with assloads of sugar. It says "Fark you, I want more caffeine than your measly espresso machine can muster". Hard to find a coffee shop that does it, and most that do call it "Greek Coffee" so they don't sound all Muslimy.

They could go with Armenian, though I suppose most Americans aren't aware Armenians are predominantly Christian.

Most Americans aren't even aware of Armenians.

I would venture to guess every single American knows the Kardashians. To our eternal shame.


I had blocked them from my mind.
 
2014-02-22 01:43:29 PM  

Fark You I'm Drunk: Fark You I'm Drunk: Or you taste in men.

Your. fark me.

 

Go home, Fark You I'm Drunk, you're drunk.
 
2014-02-22 03:07:41 PM  

henryhill: So it seems that if you drink coffee in any form, you are an asshole of some level? Do I have that right?


Actually, to be absolutely correct, everybody is some kind of asshole. Regardless of who they are or what they do. Even little girls. If nobody has ever called you an asshole you're so spineless you can't avoid sucking your own toes standing up.

"Christ, what a witty farker!"
 
2014-02-22 03:24:38 PM  
'Keep complaining about Starbucks while I and my delicious coffee combinations go happily about our day.'
 
2014-02-22 03:36:38 PM  

KidneyStone: Cafe Bustello


The ghetto grocery across the parking lot used to have that because of the large number of Latinos in Lexington, KY these days. It was $3.99 for a small can; expensive for Save-a-Lot but cheap for drinkable coffee. Then they quit carrying it for some reason, but Dollar General had those bricks of it marked down so I got three. The Wal-Mart up the street has cans for $3.88, but that's almost a mile away in the frigging winter: refusing to let winter get me down already gave me a case of bronchitis that for two weeks has had me coughing till my ribs hurt and then choking on the phlegm.

Today it's 60 F. but even after 4 days of Z-pak I felt too crappy to walk 8/10 of a mile to the ex's to give the dogs good walks around the neighborhood and walk back; in fact I've spent most of the day in bed knock out by my last muscle relaxant. And of course it's going to rain tomorrow and then get cold again next week. There's no telling when the next pretty Springlike day will be: last year there was no Spring, it was chilly and rainy till mid-July when it got hot literally overnight.

But at least I've got a pot of Bustello to drink, and an ibrik for when my mood cries for a stronger cup. And there's really no reason (besides prudence, temperance and discipline) to not start pouring rum into it already: I should use the yawning emptiness of another day of sickness to do a little housework, or maybe even read something intelligent and/or write something in my livejournal, but nothing appeals to me as much as getting groggy and dozing off again.
 Thanks O my fellow Farkers for keeping me company against your will.
 
Displayed 50 of 158 comments


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Newest | Show all


View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter






In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report