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(Guardian)   Even knowing this, you'll still do it on your first trip   (theguardian.com) divider line 43
    More: Silly, mental disorders, Godwin's Law  
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15162 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Feb 2014 at 5:54 PM (21 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-02-21 04:19:02 PM
15 votes:
You know who else killed Hitler?
2014-02-21 05:50:46 PM
6 votes:

2.bp.blogspot.com

You've got a time machine, I've got a gun. What the hell. Let's kill Hitler!

2014-02-21 06:55:34 PM
5 votes:
Nonsense. There are far crueler men in history. Like the asshole who invented the tie. First trip I make, I'm gonna choke him to death with his prototype.

That said, there is an xkcd for everything:

imgs.xkcd.com
2014-02-21 05:56:37 PM
5 votes:
I wanted this to be about acid.
2014-02-21 05:30:43 PM
5 votes:
No need to kill him, just make sure he somehow got into art school.
2014-02-21 06:26:14 PM
4 votes:
2014-02-21 05:07:13 PM
4 votes:
Nice try, Hitler.
2014-02-21 07:48:50 PM
3 votes:
You wouldn't have to kill Hitler anyway, just go back in time and hire Hitler's Dad to make a barbecue pit for you and get him out of the house for a week.  Hitler's mom's egg will have gone down unfertilized and the spermatozoa that was Hitler will have gotten too old in his Dad's ball sack to win the race and when you return to the present you'll be able to say you saved millions of Jews WITHa barbecue.

But of course no one will have a clue wtf you're talking about.
2014-02-21 08:56:02 PM
2 votes:
I went back in time to 1490 to kill Velacuche, the man who discovered what is now known as the Velacucharan Empire.

/I guess I succeeded.
2014-02-21 08:26:37 PM
2 votes:

Oldiron_79: stuffy: I'd just ring the door bell as Hitlers dad is about to boink his mom.

Hitler never born, and no one the wiser.

Go back to shortly before the Hitlers meet and became a couple and seduce Hitler's mom


And become Hitler's father. Awkward!
2014-02-21 08:24:34 PM
2 votes:
I would go back 15 minutes ago and kill myself before Iread this article/thread
2014-02-21 07:51:27 PM
2 votes:
http://www.viruscomix.com/page417.html

Mandatory reading for would-be time machine inventors.
2014-02-21 07:00:28 PM
2 votes:
Give the Romans gunpowder, the blast furnace, the steam engine, and electricity.

Brilliant!

Actually you would vanish the instant you did that, because in that timeline, mankind nuked itself out of existence around 300 AD.

On the timeline we occupy now, we still have 18 years before that happens, and the country that does it isn't even nuclear capable yet.
2014-02-21 06:55:16 PM
2 votes:
i.imgur.com
2014-02-21 06:36:13 PM
2 votes:
2014-02-21 06:03:30 PM
2 votes:
Screw killing Hitler, I'd go back to 1992 and buy a couple thousand shares of ORACLE stock.
2014-02-21 06:00:39 PM
2 votes:
Bah.. screw it all and just kill Eve...
2014-02-21 10:16:37 PM
1 votes:
I like the theory that originally, Hitler didn't exist, and so the world was destroyed in a thermonuclear war.  So they actually trained a volunteer to be Hitler.  But Earth was still destroyed in a thermonuclear war.  So they had to train other genocidal maniacs all the way back to Genghis Khan.  A whole battalion of murderous tyrants, sent back in time to wipe out those bloodlines that would eventually destroy the world, one way or another.
2014-02-21 10:12:16 PM
1 votes:

bratface: Stephen_Falken: If all we're allowed to do is kill someone, I'd go back to Persia in 630 BC and kill Zoroaster instead.

Why?


Yea, then there would be no Freddie Mercury.
2014-02-21 08:28:43 PM
1 votes:

DubtodaIll: It does make sense though, you kill Hitler (before he comes to power) and America doesn't have the Baby Boom.


Killing anyone, no matter how bad, in history is no way to use a time machine because the possibility is that life would be worse rather than better.  Therefore, if I had a time machine today, I would travel back to this past Wednesday and buy a winning ticket in the Powerball.  Upon return, I'd destroy it and go on with my life managing to eke out an existence drawing on my Powerball winnings of $400+ million.
2014-02-21 08:27:43 PM
1 votes:
Show up when Hitler was 12 wearing a yarmulke, give him a hug, tell him you believe in him and that he can be great artist.
2014-02-21 08:22:58 PM
1 votes:
www.liveforfilms.com
2014-02-21 08:09:52 PM
1 votes:
No one has mentioned wikihistory yet?  I am disappoint.
2014-02-21 07:30:53 PM
1 votes:

lennavan: No, I'd probably spend some time trying to identify the key players in continuing various religions and stopping them in some manner.  Religion is the basis for pretty much all of the bad things in our world.

Of course, without all of the killing in the name of religion, we'd have overpopulation issues.


Curious how you fit into this thread, what with all the baggage you brought with you.
2014-02-21 07:29:59 PM
1 votes:

symptomoftheuniverse: Go back and find the very first critter climbing from the primordial ooze.. and squish it.


24.media.tumblr.com

Stupid bug! You go squish now!
2014-02-21 07:23:56 PM
1 votes:
I'll just go back to 1936 and show Hitler Inglorious Basterds and tell him it was a documentary.

Then a bunch of Downfall clips just for fun.
2014-02-21 07:19:27 PM
1 votes:

timujin: You know who else killed Hitler?


Masterful. You saw your opportunity and didn't hesitate.
2014-02-21 07:13:11 PM
1 votes:

brantgoose: I always thought it stood for Herschel.


img.fark.net

DubtodaIll: Sorta, they ended up like 10 ft from where they started. Even if you jumped by a day you'd be off the planet.


Well, a self-contained machine *might* be able to be able to compensate for it (or at least protect the user should they re-appear in the middle of space), but at that point, it is almost a combination of FTL and time travel... though the two are often used in sync when used in stories.... Huh. I'm pretty sure of all the time-travel stories out there, there must be at least one that covers the subject.
2014-02-21 07:08:45 PM
1 votes:
People always have such bad luck killing Hitler. I decided I would go to the root of the problem and kill Jesus instead.  So I joined the Judean Liberation Front or possibly the Judean People's Front. Honestly, the place was crawling with conspiracies and revolutionaries and I can't tell them apart even now.

My first attempt to kill Jesus was a fiasco. He bent over to pick up a child and the bullet hit Lazarus. Fortunately, Lazarus was rich and over-insured. He died but he made a full recovery. A man of many talents as they say.

Then I tried to hit the Big Guy at the Sermon on the Mount. He was a hard man to get a bead on because he was always surrounded by crowds and disciples with stiletto daggers in their garters. Apparently the Big Guy was well-connected in a few of the more heavily armed sects and conspiracies, notably the stabby-stabby guys, whatchamacallits, Zealots. In fact his security point man was a known Zealot named Simon or something.

I figured that on the Mount he would be up high, away from the crowds. I had not counted on my fellow time travelers getting in the way. There were thousands of people there. They only had food for 400.

I was close enough to one of the disciples to hear the food order: 4,000 fishes and 4,000 loaves of bread. Also 85,000 KFC super-value packs and hamburgers for 20,000. I don't know what they would have done if I wasn't there to explain the concept of chicken and beef. There wasn't a damn cow in the whole of rural Judea. So they had goat burgers and deep-fried Coney, Morocco style. I'm just kidding. Morocco hadn't been invented yet. And the camel, apparently, was something of an anacronism except.

To make a long story short, I took another shot at Himself. A lot of good it did. Somebody in the crowd had deep-fried vulture instead of coney and probably complained so much nobody could hear the bit about the artisanal goat cheese-makers.

Some people are harder to kill than Herpes. Maybe that is what the H. stands for. I always thought it stood for Herschel.
2014-02-21 07:02:11 PM
1 votes:
I know what I'd do with a time machine...

img.auctiva.com
2014-02-21 06:59:22 PM
1 votes:

Serious Black: Now that you've changed things, time travel wasn't invented in your lifetime, so either you vanish and the whole thing is undone, or your time machine does. So now you're stranded in wartime Berlin. And you've just killed the beloved leader of one of the most powerful military machines in history.

Doc Brown says that killing Hitler would have a ripple effect throughout time, so you could get back to your relative present before you lost the time machine to non-existence.


yea but what happens if you go back in time and hitler falls in love with you and starts calling you calvin klein so you have to take him to the Verzauberung unter dem Meer tanz.
2014-02-21 06:50:47 PM
1 votes:

toraque: Meh.  If I had a time machine, I'd use it to go back in time and loan it to my previous self, who would figure out how it works and patent it.  Then I'd return to the present, where I'd be insanely rich from selling time machines, and someone else would have killed Hitler and had to deal with all the paradoxes and crap.

The only problem would be if someone bought a time machine from me for the express purpose of preceding my patent, so I'd have to have a no-prior-invention-ganking clause in the TOS.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Patent_No._1
2014-02-21 06:49:32 PM
1 votes:

DubtodaIll: Red Dwarf was the best dramatic representation of time travel and its potential ramifications.


You're welcome smeghead
2014-02-21 06:46:03 PM
1 votes:
Why all the Hitler hate.

Hitler did nothing wrong.
2014-02-21 06:43:44 PM
1 votes:
I'd travel back to 16th century Italy, find Galileo, and bring him back to our time. Then I'd take him to an observatory and let him see what we can see today using modern technology.

/or I'd go on a Bill and Ted's adventure just to see Genghis Khan trash a mall.
2014-02-21 06:35:16 PM
1 votes:
Red Dwarf was the best dramatic representation of time travel and its potential ramifications.
2014-02-21 06:28:44 PM
1 votes:
Meh.  If I had a time machine, I'd use it to go back in time and loan it to my previous self, who would figure out how it works and patent it.  Then I'd return to the present, where I'd be insanely rich from selling time machines, and someone else would have killed Hitler and had to deal with all the paradoxes and crap.

The only problem would be if someone bought a time machine from me for the express purpose of preceding my patent, so I'd have to have a no-prior-invention-ganking clause in the TOS.
2014-02-21 06:20:20 PM
1 votes:

And do you know who else had a time machine?

themartyoradioshow.files.wordpress.com

/Thanks Obama.
2014-02-21 06:16:55 PM
1 votes:

The Southern Dandy: Look. I've been thinking about this.  Nobody will ever time travel (in a significant way). If they had, we would already know.


b-townblog.com
2014-02-21 06:14:25 PM
1 votes:

Skyd1v: fickenchucker: I'd go back to June 1st, 1983, the day before my sister was killed, and warn her not to go home that night.

/fark Hitler--I had no-one from my family die during WWII.

There is enough there in one sentence to give a person chills.

/Please tell me that is a reference to something I am missing.


Maybe he should kill Glenn Beck?
2014-02-21 05:02:13 PM
1 votes:
No, I'd probably spend some time trying to identify the key players in continuing various religions and stopping them in some manner.  Religion is the basis for pretty much all of the bad things in our world.

Of course, without all of the killing in the name of religion, we'd have overpopulation issues.
2014-02-21 04:34:20 PM
1 votes:
Are you kidding?
Kill baby Jesus with a M-60 and a few thousand rounds and doing it while wearing Hell's Angels regalia and colors.

Few thousand years later, they'll think twice about wishing upon a star.
2014-02-21 04:17:38 PM
1 votes:
I'd kill the guy who invented the necktie.
 
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