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(Guardian)   Even knowing this, you'll still do it on your first trip   (theguardian.com) divider line 182
    More: Silly, mental disorders, Godwin's Law  
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15165 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Feb 2014 at 5:54 PM (30 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-02-21 06:55:16 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2014-02-21 06:55:34 PM
Nonsense. There are far crueler men in history. Like the asshole who invented the tie. First trip I make, I'm gonna choke him to death with his prototype.

That said, there is an xkcd for everything:

imgs.xkcd.com
 
2014-02-21 06:59:16 PM

Lee451: David Gerrold did an excellent novel that explains time travel quite clearly: The Man Who Folded Himself


That is a fantastic book and greatly altered the way I saw time travel.  I loaned it out to a couple of friends in 9th grade and we spent hours discussing the possibilities.  It's still in print, too, though I have the edition from your link.
 
2014-02-21 06:59:19 PM
It does make sense though, you kill Hitler (before he comes to power) and America doesn't have the Baby Boom.
 
2014-02-21 06:59:22 PM

Serious Black: Now that you've changed things, time travel wasn't invented in your lifetime, so either you vanish and the whole thing is undone, or your time machine does. So now you're stranded in wartime Berlin. And you've just killed the beloved leader of one of the most powerful military machines in history.

Doc Brown says that killing Hitler would have a ripple effect throughout time, so you could get back to your relative present before you lost the time machine to non-existence.


yea but what happens if you go back in time and hitler falls in love with you and starts calling you calvin klein so you have to take him to the Verzauberung unter dem Meer tanz.
 
2014-02-21 07:00:28 PM
Give the Romans gunpowder, the blast furnace, the steam engine, and electricity.

Brilliant!

Actually you would vanish the instant you did that, because in that timeline, mankind nuked itself out of existence around 300 AD.

On the timeline we occupy now, we still have 18 years before that happens, and the country that does it isn't even nuclear capable yet.
 
2014-02-21 07:01:55 PM

The Southern Dandy: Look. I've been thinking about this.  Nobody will ever time travel (in a significant way). If they had, we would already know.


You assume too much about time travel. One theory posits that time travel is like a tunnel and, like any tunnel, you can only go as far as it extends. If, say, the tunnel were collapsed in the middle, you could only travel to that point.

Thus, whatever machine you use to time travel only permits travel from whenever you are to as far back as whenever it was turned on. So if the machine is invented in 2015, in 2017 you can only travel back as far as 2015, when it was first turned on. If the machine is turned off and on again in 2016, then those 2017ers can only travel back as far as 2016 -- "the tunnel is collapsed" at that point and you can go no further.

Likewise, you'd only be able to go forward so long as the machine remained powered. If the machine were also rebooted in 2019 for some reason, travel would only be permitted between 2016 and 2019 ... for those using it during those years. Those using it after 2019 would obviously have a different range of temporal motion.
 
2014-02-21 07:02:11 PM
I know what I'd do with a time machine...

img.auctiva.com
 
2014-02-21 07:02:22 PM
Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location. Say you have a machine that can travel time. It had better be able to handle the vacuum of space because if you go back a few hundred years and you'll be millions of miles away from Earth if you arrive at the same spot from which you leave.
 
2014-02-21 07:03:10 PM
Maybe someone did go back in time to kill Hitler. The only reason why he wasn't killed at the start was because the assassin compared the different days/years to kill him, watched how it unfolded each time, and found that the best time to kill him would have been right when he did in our timeline to balance out the murder of millions with vast advancement in military, technology and medical sciences. That's pretty heavy.


ArcadianRefugee: Nonsense. There are far crueler men in history. Like the asshole who invented the tie. First trip I make, I'm gonna choke him to death with his prototype.


I wouldn't. Having a woman straddle you while gently pulling on your tie to get you even closer it quite hot.
 
2014-02-21 07:05:48 PM

DubtodaIll: Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location. Say you have a machine that can travel time. It had better be able to handle the vacuum of space because if you go back a few hundred years and you'll be millions of miles away from Earth if you arrive at the same spot from which you leave.


dontremaketotalrecall.com
 
2014-02-21 07:06:30 PM

DubtodaIll: Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location.


Futurama did it.
 
2014-02-21 07:06:49 PM

RoxtarRyan: ArcadianRefugee: Nonsense. There are far crueler men in history. Like the asshole who invented the tie. First trip I make, I'm gonna choke him to death with his prototype.

I wouldn't. Having a woman straddle you while gently pulling on your tie to get you even closer it quite hot.


Fine, so sell it as a sex toy no goddamned reason I should have to wear one to "look professional". I mean, who the fark came up with the idea that a noose makes you look professional?
 
2014-02-21 07:07:10 PM
OK so you kill Hitler.

That's great.

Now WWII doesn't start until 1961, after the Germans perfect their ICBM technology and nuclear weapons.

The war ends the day it starts, as London, Moscow, New York and Tokyo cease to exist.

We lose, and are soon speaking German along with everyone else on Planet Germany.
 
2014-02-21 07:07:52 PM

RoxtarRyan: DubtodaIll: Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location.

Futurama did it.


Sorta, they ended up like 10 ft from where they started. Even if you jumped by a day you'd be off the planet.
 
2014-02-21 07:07:54 PM

DubtodaIll: Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location. Say you have a machine that can travel time. It had better be able to handle the vacuum of space because if you go back a few hundred years and you'll be millions of miles away from Earth if you arrive at the same spot from which you leave.


If anybody asks, you just wave you hands and explain that the time machine follows along the warped space time corridor that is caused the the Earth's gravity well, so you get hauled along at the current relative (moving) location.

Yeah, I've thought about this a bit...
 
2014-02-21 07:08:00 PM
Why would I? How does that make me rich?
 
2014-02-21 07:08:04 PM

TomD9938: Assuming that a dead Hitler = no WWII, I probably am never born.

My grandfathers work schedule increased drastically in the late 30s due to the country gearing up for war (he worked in the aviation industry), and his window for plowing my grandma and conceiving my mom in late 1939, was made much narrower as a result.

Probably a different son or daughter would have been born to them around that time, but it wouldn't have been me.

So thanks Hitler!


No the way to stop WW2 would be to lessen the punishment exacted on Germany after 'The Great War' aka WW1.
 
2014-02-21 07:08:44 PM

DubtodaIll: Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location. Say you have a machine that can travel time. It had better be able to handle the vacuum of space because if you go back a few hundred years and you'll be millions of miles away from Earth if you arrive at the same spot from which you leave.


There is a Twilight Zone short story about that. Everybody who enters the time machine door never returns after activating the machine, because they die in space before they can return and tell anyone.
 
2014-02-21 07:08:45 PM
People always have such bad luck killing Hitler. I decided I would go to the root of the problem and kill Jesus instead.  So I joined the Judean Liberation Front or possibly the Judean People's Front. Honestly, the place was crawling with conspiracies and revolutionaries and I can't tell them apart even now.

My first attempt to kill Jesus was a fiasco. He bent over to pick up a child and the bullet hit Lazarus. Fortunately, Lazarus was rich and over-insured. He died but he made a full recovery. A man of many talents as they say.

Then I tried to hit the Big Guy at the Sermon on the Mount. He was a hard man to get a bead on because he was always surrounded by crowds and disciples with stiletto daggers in their garters. Apparently the Big Guy was well-connected in a few of the more heavily armed sects and conspiracies, notably the stabby-stabby guys, whatchamacallits, Zealots. In fact his security point man was a known Zealot named Simon or something.

I figured that on the Mount he would be up high, away from the crowds. I had not counted on my fellow time travelers getting in the way. There were thousands of people there. They only had food for 400.

I was close enough to one of the disciples to hear the food order: 4,000 fishes and 4,000 loaves of bread. Also 85,000 KFC super-value packs and hamburgers for 20,000. I don't know what they would have done if I wasn't there to explain the concept of chicken and beef. There wasn't a damn cow in the whole of rural Judea. So they had goat burgers and deep-fried Coney, Morocco style. I'm just kidding. Morocco hadn't been invented yet. And the camel, apparently, was something of an anacronism except.

To make a long story short, I took another shot at Himself. A lot of good it did. Somebody in the crowd had deep-fried vulture instead of coney and probably complained so much nobody could hear the bit about the artisanal goat cheese-makers.

Some people are harder to kill than Herpes. Maybe that is what the H. stands for. I always thought it stood for Herschel.
 
2014-02-21 07:10:33 PM
Spatial correlation wouldn't be a problem because time and space are linked.

People only think it's a problem because they're looking from the wrong coordinate system.

If you time travel back to 1930's Boston, you'll be in Boston, not space.  You would also have no idea you had time-traveled to get there.
 
2014-02-21 07:11:32 PM

ArcadianRefugee: RoxtarRyan: ArcadianRefugee: Nonsense. There are far crueler men in history. Like the asshole who invented the tie. First trip I make, I'm gonna choke him to death with his prototype.

I wouldn't. Having a woman straddle you while gently pulling on your tie to get you even closer it quite hot.

Fine, so sell it as a sex toy no goddamned reason I should have to wear one to "look professional". I mean, who the fark came up with the idea that a noose makes you look professional?


It's there to hide the buttons on your shirt because you don't want your shirt to button up the back they way they used to. It's the descendant of the cravat.

The tie is also very useful because it can be constructed to hide an actual strangling cord. And believe me, those can come in handy when the audit suddenly turns south.
 
2014-02-21 07:13:06 PM

lewismarktwo: TomD9938: Assuming that a dead Hitler = no WWII, I probably am never born.

My grandfathers work schedule increased drastically in the late 30s due to the country gearing up for war (he worked in the aviation industry), and his window for plowing my grandma and conceiving my mom in late 1939, was made much narrower as a result.

Probably a different son or daughter would have been born to them around that time, but it wouldn't have been me.

So thanks Hitler!

No the way to stop WW2 would be to lessen the punishment exacted on Germany after 'The Great War' aka WW1.


change the treaty of Versailles, make it less harsh than it was.
 
2014-02-21 07:13:11 PM

brantgoose: I always thought it stood for Herschel.


img.fark.net

DubtodaIll: Sorta, they ended up like 10 ft from where they started. Even if you jumped by a day you'd be off the planet.


Well, a self-contained machine *might* be able to be able to compensate for it (or at least protect the user should they re-appear in the middle of space), but at that point, it is almost a combination of FTL and time travel... though the two are often used in sync when used in stories.... Huh. I'm pretty sure of all the time-travel stories out there, there must be at least one that covers the subject.
 
2014-02-21 07:14:46 PM

studebaker hoch: Spatial correlation wouldn't be a problem because time and space are linked.

People only think it's a problem because they're looking from the wrong coordinate system.

If you time travel back to 1930's Boston, you'll be in Boston, not space.  You would also have no idea you had time-traveled to get there.


I'm not really sure time and space are linked like that. Space requires time but it doesn't seem that time requires space. I'm looking at time travel in that you would remain at the same x,y,z coordinates and modify your t. If that's the case you're going to not be on Earth anymore, provided your machine is terrestrial.
 
2014-02-21 07:17:14 PM
Go back and find the very first critter climbing from the primordial ooze.. and squish it.
 
2014-02-21 07:18:39 PM

Cthulhu_is_my_homeboy: You need Hitler to bleed the Soviets dry and make sure Stalin doesn't take over the world in the 1940s.

You need Stalin to make sure Trotskyism doesn't cause a worldwide communist revolution in the 1930s.

Why you need Trotsky, I don't know, but the alternative version of the 1920s has to be worse.


Trotsky lived in Spring Hill, Nova Scotia, for a while. Maybe he had something to do with the Springhill Mine Disaster. Perhaps he suggested life insurance for the miners, or tried to unionize them. He died in Mexico. He was stabbed by a zealot, IIRC.

The Universe is all one giant beautiful oneness as the Buddhists say.

Eventually I did kill Jesus, which is a shame because it turns out he was a Buddhist proselytizer. If he hadn't been martyred he would have converted the Jews to the One True Faith and the world would be peaceful and rich in the many blessings which Jesus promulgated on the Mount. Oops! Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! That's Latin for My bad!

History is like a rubber sheet--no matter how hard you pull, it won't cover the whole GD bed.
 
2014-02-21 07:19:27 PM

timujin: You know who else killed Hitler?


Masterful. You saw your opportunity and didn't hesitate.
 
2014-02-21 07:21:08 PM

Contrabulous Flabtraption: I'd give guns and electricity to Rome


Then they wouldn't burn the damn Christians to light the Colosseum and we'd be over-run by their descendants. Socialism everywhere. Forever. Nope, I still think the Buddhists were the way to go.
 
2014-02-21 07:21:51 PM

gopher321: I'd kill the guy who invented the necktie.


It was the Croatians, IIRC. Go get 'em!
 
2014-02-21 07:22:43 PM
Time and space are the same thing (or rather, time and distance).

If you move to another point in space, you're there.  You're not where you were.  Silly, right?

Well, same goes for time.  If you time travel to the past, you're there.  You're in that timeline now.  Not here anymore, and you never were.

Your memories of the past can't tell you what time you came from any more than your eyes looking out the window can tell you what place you came from.  You're not there anymore.

You're memories are as much in that time, as your feet are on the ground in that space.
 
2014-02-21 07:23:56 PM
I'll just go back to 1936 and show Hitler Inglorious Basterds and tell him it was a documentary.

Then a bunch of Downfall clips just for fun.
 
2014-02-21 07:25:04 PM

Nonrepeating Rotating Binary: Nah, I'd go back and kill young Karl Marx.


But he was such a cute kid!

delong.typepad.com
Either Karl Marx or a young Dave Lister

 
2014-02-21 07:28:18 PM

Doc Batarang: DubtodaIll: Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location. Say you have a machine that can travel time. It had better be able to handle the vacuum of space because if you go back a few hundred years and you'll be millions of miles away from Earth if you arrive at the same spot from which you leave.

There is a Twilight Zone short story about that. Everybody who enters the time machine door never returns after activating the machine, because they die in space before they can return and tell anyone.


upload.wikimedia.org

The only movie or TV show I can think of that even tried to deal with it.
 
2014-02-21 07:28:32 PM

studebaker hoch: Time and space are the same thing (or rather, time and distance).

If you move to another point in space, you're there.  You're not where you were.  Silly, right?

Well, same goes for time.  If you time travel to the past, you're there.  You're in that timeline now.  Not here anymore, and you never were.

Your memories of the past can't tell you what time you came from any more than your eyes looking out the window can tell you what place you came from.  You're not there anymore.

You're memories are as much in that time, as your feet are on the ground in that space.


That doesn't really sound right. Time and space are certainly not the same thing. Though I hadn't really thought about it in the way that time in only linear and it would somehow affect you personally if you were able to travel along it. I've always viewed time as the energy that allows matter to move from one moment to the next without crushing itself. So I figure if you're able to somehow circumvent that process you'd have to do it in a fashion where you somehow create a bubble of personal time so that your own personal matter wouldn't destroy itself.
 
2014-02-21 07:29:48 PM
I'd go back in time and bang your mom...oops already did that, Now you all owe my Fathers day presents.
 
2014-02-21 07:29:59 PM

symptomoftheuniverse: Go back and find the very first critter climbing from the primordial ooze.. and squish it.


24.media.tumblr.com

Stupid bug! You go squish now!
 
2014-02-21 07:30:24 PM

lewismarktwo: TomD9938: Assuming that a dead Hitler = no WWII, I probably am never born.

My grandfathers work schedule increased drastically in the late 30s due to the country gearing up for war (he worked in the aviation industry), and his window for plowing my grandma and conceiving my mom in late 1939, was made much narrower as a result.

Probably a different son or daughter would have been born to them around that time, but it wouldn't have been me.

So thanks Hitler!

No the way to stop WW2 would be to lessen the punishment exacted on Germany after 'The Great War' aka WW1.


This is a commonly-accepted rationale for the rise of radical nationalists in Germany but it's just not true. Yes, there were reparations. No, they weren't large. They also went unpaid.

The fact that Germany capitulated is the biggest reason. The Dolchstoss -- "Stab in the Back" -- was a huge propaganda item for the decades between the wars. Not the reparations.

See the creepy-looking Jew defeating the honorable German soldier in the trenches ... stabbing him in the back.

upload.wikimedia.org

The nationalist Germans felt that Germany gave up "without losing". As if they could have won the war except for those pesky Jews, Communists and other undesirables.

They were completely wrong, but as we sadly learned, "truth" is the least of the victims here.
 
2014-02-21 07:30:53 PM

lennavan: No, I'd probably spend some time trying to identify the key players in continuing various religions and stopping them in some manner.  Religion is the basis for pretty much all of the bad things in our world.

Of course, without all of the killing in the name of religion, we'd have overpopulation issues.


Curious how you fit into this thread, what with all the baggage you brought with you.
 
2014-02-21 07:31:09 PM

RoxtarRyan: Maybe someone did go back in time to kill Hitler. The only reason why he wasn't killed at the start was because the assassin compared the different days/years to kill him, watched how it unfolded each time, and found that the best time to kill him would have been right when he did in our timeline to balance out the murder of millions with vast advancement in military, technology and medical sciences. That's pretty heavy.


ArcadianRefugee: Nonsense. There are far crueler men in history. Like the asshole who invented the tie. First trip I make, I'm gonna choke him to death with his prototype.

I wouldn't. Having a woman straddle you while gently pulling on your tie to get you even closer it quite hot.


Or, Hitler was about to pull off a last second Hail Mary that that time traveller stopped. Killing him earlier just lead to other, more competent, people to take his place.

So the time traveller struck right as the Nazis were at their weakest and threw their leadership into disarray at a point that allowed the Allies to succeed in their final push.
 
2014-02-21 07:32:07 PM
If you get your hands on a time machine, go back to the earliest humans you can sexually reproduce with, knock up the females, ta-da, the entire course of human history is farked.
 
2014-02-21 07:34:36 PM
You can't take "your time" with you to another time any more than you can take "your space" to another location.

You leave one, and go to the other.

In our case, the only way we have to know what space we're in is our eyes.  The only way to know what time we're in is our memory.

If you travel distance, your eyes see the new space and can longer see where you were.
If you travel time, your memories are now in that time frame, and you can't remember any other timeline.

If you travel in space, you get "there".
If you travel in time, you get "then".
 
2014-02-21 07:42:27 PM

RoxtarRyan: DubtodaIll: Something I've never seen anyone incorporate in to time travel is spatial location.

Futurama did it.


Bill & Ted too.
 
2014-02-21 07:48:50 PM
You wouldn't have to kill Hitler anyway, just go back in time and hire Hitler's Dad to make a barbecue pit for you and get him out of the house for a week.  Hitler's mom's egg will have gone down unfertilized and the spermatozoa that was Hitler will have gotten too old in his Dad's ball sack to win the race and when you return to the present you'll be able to say you saved millions of Jews WITHa barbecue.

But of course no one will have a clue wtf you're talking about.
 
2014-02-21 07:49:12 PM

lennavan: No, I'd probably spend some time trying to identify the key players in continuing various religions and stopping them in some manner.  Religion is the basis for pretty much all of the bad things in our world.

Of course, without all of the killing in the name of religion, we'd have overpopulation issues.

4.bp.blogspot.com

/Of course this would mean alot more Jews in the world like me and there can only be so many bankers! :-P
 
Ant
2014-02-21 07:50:49 PM
Maybe instead of killing Jesus, you could just kidnap him before he does his thing at the temple, and show him what his cult becomes.

"Is this really what you want?"
"You know that nothing you do or say is going to get the Romans out of Palestine any quicker, right?"
 
2014-02-21 07:51:27 PM
http://www.viruscomix.com/page417.html

Mandatory reading for would-be time machine inventors.
 
2014-02-21 07:52:45 PM
Unless there was a time when you were off the planet gasping in space, you don't have to worry about accidentally finding yourself there.

You would also have to worry about velocity.  The earth spinning, orbiting the sun, the motion of the galaxy, the Universe expanding.

Photons travel time by going the speed of light (hurp), and they don't explode or go missing when they get "now."  They all arrive in perfect condition, they don't miss the Earth because it moved in the time it took them to get from the Sun to here.

It's all about (relative) reference frames.
 
2014-02-21 07:54:46 PM
Take extra vitamin C?
 
2014-02-21 08:01:48 PM
Id go back in time and tell myself to
"get baptized in front of your wife's mom and pretend you're religious.. Because if you don't, your devil-in-law will talk bad about you until your wonderful wife can't stand the fact you're not religious.. And divorce you because she's not spiritually happy.. Then you'll be depressed for a long time and constantly think of thoughts you don't want to think of.. And think of things that'll never come to be which will bring you into even more depression.. Stop being proud and do it.. You'll be happier for it"..
 
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