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(Boing Boing)   The best opening paragraph of any magazine story, ever   (boingboing.net) divider line 75
    More: Amusing  
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21166 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Feb 2014 at 11:03 PM (30 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



75 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-02-20 05:45:04 PM
Wow, that is good.  Thanks.
 
2014-02-20 07:53:40 PM
That was a wicked burn, Travis.
 
2014-02-20 08:26:15 PM
Great opening, and the rest of the article is pretty good.
 
2014-02-20 08:55:31 PM
mmmm...tight 20 year old sphincter.
 
2014-02-20 09:22:25 PM
why not just link directly to the article in The Atlantic?
 
433 [TotalFark]
2014-02-20 09:42:26 PM

SlothB77: why not just link directly to the article in The Atlantic?


I know.  This kind of content generation irks me.
The Dark Power of Fraternities

The second paragraph is pretty great, too, but then it focuses on serios business,
 
2014-02-20 10:33:15 PM
We went from 'One night...' to explosives in the ass in what, five sentences?

/slow clap
 
2014-02-20 10:47:46 PM
Correction: four sentences.

/applause.gif

Would this be an Invited Explosive In Anus or IEIA?

The results would, I assume, be remarkable.
 
2014-02-20 10:53:38 PM

Flatulent_Flea: Correction: four sentences.

/applause.gif

Would this be an Invited Explosive In Anus or IEIA?

The results would, I assume, be remarkable.


Chocolate starfish meets roman candle.
 
2014-02-20 11:04:28 PM
More Henmingway, less hunter s. Thompson,please.
 
2014-02-20 11:04:29 PM
"It takes a certain kind of personal-injury lawyer to look at the facts of this glittering night and wrest from them a plausible plaintiff and defendant, unless it were possible for Travis Hughes to be sued by his own anus."
 
2014-02-20 11:08:15 PM
Video link?:   http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DJYm-nm5LtU


Not safe for work, or lunch either?

And remember, these are the future leaders of our country
 
2014-02-20 11:08:55 PM
Boring Boring lives up to its name.

SlothB77: why not just link directly to the article in The Atlantic?


The Atlantic doesn't suck Drew's cock for linking.
 
2014-02-20 11:09:25 PM
A rare case nowadays where the article lives up to the headline's promise. I heartily LOLed two or three times.
 
2014-02-20 11:10:30 PM
Tight sphincter... so, he's a pledge who hasn't been initiated yet?
 
2014-02-20 11:11:17 PM
I don't know if it's the best, but it might be the longest.
 
2014-02-20 11:12:58 PM
This asshat that I used to work with tried that, but instead he had it between his butt cheeks.
/He couldn't lay on his back side for a week
 
2014-02-20 11:16:08 PM
I read that entire article today.  It was good, but pretty much stated the obvious that anybody who has been to college already knew.


TL:DR Frats are dangerous and risk filled places fueled by idiots and miscreants on copious booze/drugs making bad decisions.  ORLY?
 
2014-02-20 11:19:58 PM
Why was that article 178 pages long? Has anyone ever finished it? Why?

I did enjoy the opening paragraph, but I basically just skimmed the rest to find out if the unfortunate idiot with the bottle rocket was ever able to poop again.
 
2014-02-20 11:21:25 PM

ChrisDe: I don't know if it's the best, but it might be the longest.


It says paragraph, not sentence ;-)
 
2014-02-20 11:21:32 PM
Obvious clickbait. No thanks!
 
2014-02-20 11:22:14 PM
It was like his own personal Challenger Disaster!

i.imgur.com
 
2014-02-20 11:24:34 PM
I don't get why the goatse thing is banned here when you folks seems to enjoy discussing butt holes
 
2014-02-20 11:25:18 PM
Not a bad opening paragraph. Really. But it's no better than second place.

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
 
2014-02-20 11:26:22 PM

DiggidyDan: I read that entire article today.  It was good, but pretty much stated the obvious that anybody who has been to college already knew.


TL:DR Frats are dangerous and risk filled places fueled by idiots and miscreants on copious booze/drugs making bad decisions.  ORLY?


Let them be.  Their suffering amuses us.
 
2014-02-20 11:26:41 PM
...he would shove a bottle rocket up his ass and blast it into the sweet night air. And perhaps it was an excellent idea. What was not an excellent idea, however, was to misjudge the relative tightness of a 20-year-old sphincter and the propulsive reliability of a 20-cent bottle rocket. What followed ignition was not the bright report of a successful blastoff, but the muffled thud of fire in the hole.

I will say, I'd have judged the tightness of a 20-year-old anus to be sufficient too. Especially if it was in near proximity to an imminent explosion.  To say nothing of a rectum being shallow enough.

But hey, college is supposed to be educational, right?
 
2014-02-20 11:27:26 PM
I'll bet he saw stars.

And pieces of....umm....well...YOU know.
 
2014-02-20 11:29:26 PM
That young man was under the influence of corn squeezin's.
 
2014-02-20 11:31:42 PM
It was a dark and stormy night...
 
2014-02-20 11:32:55 PM
I like 20 cent bottle rockets.
I hate man ass.

/kinda torn
 
2014-02-20 11:34:00 PM

DiggidyDan: I read that entire article today.  It was good, but pretty much stated the obvious that anybody who has been to college already knew.


TL:DR Frats are dangerous and risk filled places fueled by idiots and miscreants on copious booze/drugs making bad decisions.  ORLY?


I liked the details into how the national organizations protect the houses from liability by hanging the individual members out to dry.
 
2014-02-20 11:34:22 PM
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.
 
2014-02-20 11:34:28 PM

cirby: Not a bad opening paragraph. Really. But it's no better than second place.

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"


I just loathe feeling fear like that.
 
2014-02-20 11:34:42 PM

SauronWasFramed: Video link?:   http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DJYm-nm5LtU


Not safe for work, or lunch either?

And remember, these are the future leaders of our country


I can imagine the LULZ if this guy applies for any job that has even a cursory background check.
 
2014-02-20 11:34:50 PM
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.
 
2014-02-20 11:35:56 PM

W.C.fields forever: I like 20 cent bottle rockets.
I hate man ass.

/kinda torn


So was he.
 
2014-02-20 11:38:30 PM

lindalouwho: W.C.fields forever: I like 20 cent bottle rockets.
I hate man ass.

/kinda torn

So was he.


LOL
 
2014-02-20 11:38:32 PM

DrGunsforHands: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.


data3.whicdn.com
 
2014-02-20 11:40:57 PM

MadMattressMack: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.


Shakes fist!
 
2014-02-20 11:42:34 PM

Agent Smiths Laugh: DrGunsforHands: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

[data3.whicdn.com image 356x454]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no_elVGGgW8
 
2014-02-20 11:43:52 PM
This is about 1/1000th as sad as the dickhead who was playing fetch with his dog with a lit cherry bomb and when it went off in the dog's mouth it injured it so badly it had to be euthanized. What kind of dumbass forgets there's an explosion at the end of every bottle rocket?
 
2014-02-20 11:44:12 PM
Damn near killed him!
 
2014-02-20 11:46:14 PM

DrGunsforHands: MadMattressMack: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

Shakes fist!


Haha! 28 seconds.
 
2014-02-20 11:46:58 PM
I lit a fart one time that went off like that.
 
2014-02-20 11:48:42 PM

Mentat: I liked the details into how the national organizations protect the houses from liability by hanging the individual members out to dry.


That part was interesting.  I am amazed that they can get insurance in the first place, but I guess banding together against the naive idiot frat boys allows them to limit their payout costs.


Moral of the story, if you are dumb enough to do some of the stuff that would get you in trouble with the law/policies, plead the 'Fif and lawyer up.  Don't compound the stupidity by trusting a shady national organization or your institution.  Those people are not on your side!
 
2014-02-20 11:54:17 PM
Ahh Marshall... You've done us proud again. We don't need no education... As long as we've got sphincter release...
 
2014-02-21 12:02:52 AM
A sphincter says what?

/deafening
 
2014-02-21 12:05:43 AM
I always liked Varley's entry for the best opener possible for an article

WIN FREE SEX!
 
2014-02-21 12:15:30 AM

DiggidyDan: Mentat: I liked the details into how the national organizations protect the houses from liability by hanging the individual members out to dry.

That part was interesting.  I am amazed that they can get insurance in the first place, but I guess banding together against the naive idiot frat boys allows them to limit their payout costs.


Moral of the story, if you are dumb enough to do some of the stuff that would get you in trouble with the law/policies, plead the 'Fif and lawyer up.  Don't compound the stupidity by trusting a shady national organization or your institution.  Those people are not on your side!


They couldn't, which is why they set up their own organizations and insured themselves.  Then they hang the members out to dry by diverting the litigation to the member and their parents.
 
2014-02-21 12:40:11 AM

semiotix: ...he would shove a bottle rocket up his ass and blast it into the sweet night air. And perhaps it was an excellent idea. What was not an excellent idea, however, was to misjudge the relative tightness of a 20-year-old sphincter and the propulsive reliability of a 20-cent bottle rocket. What followed ignition was not the bright report of a successful blastoff, but the muffled thud of fire in the hole.

I will say, I'd have judged the tightness of a 20-year-old anus to be sufficient too. Especially if it was in near proximity to an imminent explosion.  To say nothing of a rectum being shallow enough.

But hey, college is supposed to be educational, right?


Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!
 
2014-02-21 12:48:12 AM

cirby: Not a bad opening paragraph. Really. But it's no better than second place.

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"


No, here's second place IMO

Richard Nixon is gone now, and I am poorer for it. He was the real thing -- a political monster straight out of Grendel and a very dangerous enemy. He could shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time. He lied to his friends and betrayed the trust of his family. Not even Gerald Ford, the unhappy ex-president who pardoned Nixon and kept him out of prison, was immune to the evil fallout. Ford, who believes strongly in Heaven and Hell, has told more than one of his celebrity golf partners that "I know I will go to hell, because I pardoned Richard Nixon."

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1994/07/he-was-a-crook/3 08 699/
 
2014-02-21 01:15:40 AM

SauronWasFramed: Video link?:   http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DJYm-nm5LtU


Not safe for work, or lunch either?

And remember, these are the future leaders of our country


Came for this, leaving satisfied. This video is always good for a laugh.
 
2014-02-21 01:25:09 AM
Can't believe there are people who still haven't seen Jackass. (Steve-O did this I don't know how many years ago, they also did one where they put the bottle rocket up his arse and tied a string to it and the other end of the string to Pontious's dangle)
 
2014-02-21 01:33:10 AM
As far as magazines go, I think this one is worthy:  "The Enema Within" by Ian Belcher

"When photographer Anthony Cullen heard the clank of glass on porcelain, he didn't need to examine the contents of the toilet bowl between his legs. He instinctively knew he had just passed the marble he had swallowed as a five-year-old; the small coloured sphere - "I think it was a bluey" - had lodged in his colon for 22 years. His nonchalance was understandable. Having flushed 400 pints of coffee and vinegar solution around his large intestine through 10 enemas, and taken 100 herbal laxatives, he had become hardened to extraordinary sights. He had already excreted yards of long stringy mucus "with a strange yellow glaze", several hard black pellets and numerous pieces of undigested rump steak. Like an iceberg breaking away from a glacier, the marble was simply the latest object to drop off the furred up wall of his colon."

http://www.theguardian.com/travel/2002/mar/09/restandrelaxation.shop pi ng
 
2014-02-21 01:41:05 AM

OhioUGrad: Can't believe there are people who still haven't seen Jackass.


You can't believe there are people who have good taste and a basic sense of decency?
 
2014-02-21 01:41:47 AM

cirby: Not a bad opening paragraph. Really. But it's no better than second place.

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"


Only good part of that book.
 
2014-02-21 01:52:02 AM

SlothB77: why not just link directly to the article in The Atlantic?


I think it was smart because Boing Boing has a good reputation and provided a much more succinct headline that promised joy than the Atlantic article.
 
2014-02-21 02:01:27 AM

SlothB77: why not just link directly to the article in The Atlantic?


Because this is the digital age.  We're no longer capable of evaluating things on our own; we need one of our approved vanguards of culture to alert us to the fact that this was indeed worth reading before we could actually take the chance of reading it ourselves.
 
2014-02-21 02:17:55 AM

Mentat: They couldn't, which is why they set up their own organizations and insured themselves.  Then they hang the members out to dry by diverting the litigation to the member and their parents.


The part about "We pretty much just pillage their homeowner's insurance" was terrifying.
 
2014-02-21 02:29:05 AM
The lead-up was ok but the last sentence was good for a LOL. I always thought that guy was just some clown, not a future leader.
 
2014-02-21 02:33:26 AM

BKITU: OhioUGrad: Can't believe there are people who still haven't seen Jackass.

You can't believe there are people who have good taste and a basic sense of decency?


Pretty much, especially a 20 year old college student.
 
2014-02-21 03:28:23 AM
it wasn't bad...but it wasn't that great either.
 
2014-02-21 03:57:19 AM

Flatulent_Flea: Would this be an Invited Explosive In Anus or IEIA?


Oh, you...
 
2014-02-21 06:21:44 AM
TL;DR

Summary: Frat bros are douchebags
 
2014-02-21 07:28:20 AM
Headline was SO right on the money.  I think I might've seen this in the very firs "jackass" movie.
 
2014-02-21 08:20:48 AM

Darth_Lukecash: More Henmingway, less hunter s. Thompson,please.


Wait. Strike that. Reverse it.

/also, I thout the best opening was "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..."
 
2014-02-21 08:21:56 AM

Johnny Bananapeel: It was like his own personal Challenger Disaster!

[i.imgur.com image 625x451]


Too soon.
 
2014-02-21 08:26:09 AM
I don't get why the goatse thing is banned here when you folks seems to enjoy discussing butt holes


// You have no idea.......
 
2014-02-21 09:06:12 AM

Super Chronic: Tight sphincter... so, he's a pledge who hasn't been initiated yet?


He chose to eat the toast instead.
 
2014-02-21 09:10:35 AM

RoyBatty: SlothB77: why not just link directly to the article in The Atlantic?

I think it was smart because Boing Boing has a good reputation and provided a much more succinct headline that promised joy than the Atlantic article.


this.

subby here... I saw the blurb on boingboing, it had the opening paragraph which I found amusing... I didn't think anyone would want to read the whole article... I considered using the Atlantic article... but the boingboing link had the funny bit and the link to the full article in case anyone wanted to read the rest... and myself, having not read the whole article didn't know if it would need a nsfw tag or not... so the boingboing link was safe.
 
2014-02-21 10:59:18 AM

OhioUGrad: Can't believe there are people who still haven't seen Jackass. (Steve-O did this I don't know how many years ago, they also did one where they put the bottle rocket up his arse and tied a string to it and the other end of the string to Pontious's dangle)


I can't believe there are people who actually watched Jackass, so I guess we're even.
 
2014-02-21 12:00:06 PM
Twilght's last gleaming OW, MY BALLS!
 
2014-02-21 12:43:03 PM

Chariset: Mentat: They couldn't, which is why they set up their own organizations and insured themselves.  Then they hang the members out to dry by diverting the litigation to the member and their parents.

The part about "We pretty much just pillage their homeowner's insurance" was terrifying.


"You farked up... you trusted us!"
 
2014-02-21 04:10:28 PM
Reads like Tarantino dialog.
 
2014-02-21 08:54:52 PM

stirfrybry: I don't get why the goatse thing is banned here when you folks seems to enjoy discussing butt holes


It's called the Politics tab.
 
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