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(AFP)   You can get 100 elephants to play soccer, but you can't make Americans watch it   (story.news.yahoo.com) divider line 53
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4901 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Jan 2004 at 3:05 PM (10 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2004-01-30 01:48:01 PM
That's a bunch of crap. I would watch 100 elephants play soccer, especially if they rip off their shirts after scoring goals.
 
2004-01-30 01:51:23 PM
I'd watch 100 elephants play soccer too.
 
2004-01-30 01:53:26 PM
Same here: You couldn't make me do something I'd do willingly.
 
2004-01-30 01:53:31 PM
Soccer? my niece plays that. Of course she's 7...and a girl...so I cut her some slack.
 
2004-01-30 01:55:53 PM
I don't want to be the one handing out those red cards.
 
2004-01-30 02:28:52 PM
Would touching the ball with a trunk be considered a hand ball?
 
2004-01-30 02:33:10 PM
They play for peanuts.
 
2004-01-30 02:40:14 PM
Elephants are farking cool. Hell yes I would watch them play soccer.
 
2004-01-30 03:07:56 PM
Depends,
would there be any fighting? Cause you know, two elephants dropping the gloves would be pretty cool.

/hockey fan.
 
2004-01-30 03:07:59 PM
I would watch elephants. It's just small oily Europeans I refuse to watch.

/*I kid
 
2004-01-30 03:08:34 PM
Good headline
 
2004-01-30 03:08:36 PM
Monkeys would be funnier.
 
2004-01-30 03:09:06 PM
Now if they played real football, that I'd watch.
 
2004-01-30 03:10:57 PM
I'll watch, but I won't referee.
 
2004-01-30 03:11:40 PM
I'd like to see an elephant do one of those fruity dances after they score a goal. Heck, I'd pay to see an elephant do a non-fruity dance.

Gooooooooooooooooaaaaallllll........Staaaaaaaaaaammmmpeeeeeeeeeede!!!!11!!1!!
 
2004-01-30 03:11:56 PM
Let me know when they get a hundred elephants to run Linux.

/bored kitty
 
2004-01-30 03:12:01 PM
OMG WHO CAERS
 
2004-01-30 03:12:22 PM

Okay you guys, lunchtime's over ... back to the Qwiki-Mart !"


Stampy ?


 
2004-01-30 03:12:42 PM
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

/trying to start something
 
2004-01-30 03:13:00 PM
But then Americans wouldn't know a real sport if it pissed on their cheese burger
 
2004-01-30 03:15:07 PM
But then Americans wouldn't know a real sport if it pissed on their cheese burger


Yes, they would. They would refer to it as the "defendent" in their lawsuit for pain and suffering after said sport pissed on their food.
 
2004-01-30 03:16:38 PM
Loud_Mouth_Soup

Litigation, the only real American sport
 
2004-01-30 03:18:35 PM
ESPN 3 maybe?
 
2004-01-30 03:24:23 PM
the elephant's were then rewarded with a large tub of rice beer.......
 
2004-01-30 03:24:54 PM
we should be glad americans don't play soccer - they'd win all the time, like they do at every other sport

probably because they are almost without exception drug taking freaks

still that's life
 
2004-01-30 03:28:28 PM
21-7-b: "we should be glad americans don't play soccer - they'd win all the time, like they do at every other sport
..."


Huh? Americans never win at sports where they have to compete with other nations. Europeans are definitely more sports crazy than us yanks.
 
2004-01-30 03:29:06 PM
Sure, but they suck at the luge.
 
2004-01-30 03:29:49 PM
Huh, and here I thought groups of elephants were only good for going on drunken rampages through villages.
 
2004-01-30 03:30:27 PM
There would be shiat and piss all over the place. Went to the circus the other day and we were taking bets on which elephant would shiat or piss next. They had employees waiting with push brooms to clean it up.
 
2004-01-30 03:30:47 PM
oh yeah? next olympics watch for the GB track and field team
 
2004-01-30 03:31:44 PM
Out of interest how to Americans ever managed to get excited about their national teams?

The rest of the world don't play Basketball, American Football (NFL) or Baseball so there is no competition or excitement on the world stage there and the USA just don't participate in all the other world sports (e.g. soccer, cricket, rugby) so they can't get excited about winning in that either.

Does the USA ever grind to a halt and everyone get in front of the TV like we do when the World Cup comes on?
 
2004-01-30 03:32:44 PM
I thought Americans would watch anything. I mean, just look at Fox's primetime line-ups (excluding Sunday of course).
 
cdo
2004-01-30 03:35:23 PM
elephants playing soccer, dogs playing poker... what's next, armadillos doing rythmic gymnastics?
 
2004-01-30 03:41:47 PM
Animals and sports do not mix. They learned that the hard way when water polo was invented and half the horses would drown during each game.

Mark_UK

Out of interest how to Americans ever managed to get excited about their national teams?


Try not to lump us all together. =) I'm an American, and I don't give half of a flying rat's ass about any sport. I might go to a baseball game if someone else was paying and I had absolutely nothing else to do, but that's about the limit of my interest. I wouldn't've even known the Superbowl was coming up if I hadn't read it here.
 
2004-01-30 03:45:02 PM
There's also elephant polo, whose World Association is sponsored by Chivas Regal. Even the rules are fun to read.
 
2004-01-30 03:45:54 PM
Hey kid. You ever seen a grown man wrestle a trouser snake?
 
2004-01-30 03:46:00 PM
Mark_UK::"Out of interest how to Americans ever managed to get excited about their national teams?"

We don't care about anything outside of our own country. That means we are our own worst enemies, but on the plus side, we are a lot less nationalistic than Europe is.
 
2004-01-30 03:46:14 PM
The house-trained beasts also scored with wildlife enthusiasts

Anyone know how to house-train an elephant? Mine keeps pissing on the carpet.
 
2004-01-30 03:46:43 PM
Damn straight! This American won't be watching soccer played by elephants, oliphaunts, rhinos, Mexicans, Tasmanian devils, sheep, or any other of God's creatures.
Why you ask? Simple. I don't farkin' like soccer!
 
2004-01-30 03:52:20 PM
Mark_UK

Out of interest how to Americans ever managed to get excited about their national teams?

Odd question, what else should we be excited about?

The rest of the world don't play Basketball, American Football (NFL) or Baseball so there is no competition or excitement on the world stage there and the USA just don't participate in all the other world sports (e.g. soccer, cricket, rugby) so they can't get excited about winning in that either.

That is true, though it's not like other countries don't play those sports it's just that there's no international standard or league.

Does the USA ever grind to a halt and everyone get in front of the TV like we do when the World Cup comes on?

The closest would be during the Superbowl and even then it's not exactly ground to a halt.
 
2004-01-30 03:59:35 PM
No no... soccer is gre zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
 
2004-01-30 05:11:30 PM
Mark_UK
Times are changing. The US team got just as far as England did in Korea/Japan. In the last month three US stars have gone to the Premiership.
 
2004-01-30 05:12:08 PM
Anyone know how to house-train an elephant?

You don't: you walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
 
rka
2004-01-30 05:12:47 PM

The US doesn't have to play in international tournaments for basketball, baseball..etc, because all the other countries' best players come here to get paid in our professional leagues. Take a look at Major League baseball..its full of people from the Carribean, South America...even Japan and Canada are represented (go Larry Walker!). Basketball? Yao Ming (China), Dirk Nowitzki (Germany), Nene (Brazil), Arvidas Sabonis (former NBA'er, but from Russia) and little Stevie Nash (Canadian). NHL? Still mainly a Canadian/US born league, but on the Colorado Avalanche alone you have players from US, Canada, Sweden, Finland, Czech Republic and Switzerland.

The US cares about international competition during the Olympics..and not much after that.

 
2004-01-30 06:02:07 PM
"It was a real delight to watch some 100 elephants bathe in a small stream," said an American, who identified himself only as Mike."

Someone should tell Mike that it's safe to come home now, the Vietnam War is over and we've invented the Internet and cable television.
 
2004-01-30 06:03:25 PM
I don't follow this soccer businees. There's american football or REAL football the game doesn't really have that much to do with socks anyway. I might watch some american sports if they were international but I saw a baseball game once and it bored me to tears. It just seemed like an excuse to drink lots of beer and eat peanuts and hot dogs and stuff whilst a bunch of guys constantly failed to reach the first base thing. The bit inbetween with the guys in giant blow up costumes were okay though. As far as the elephants go I'd buy that for a dollar.
 
2004-01-30 06:06:40 PM
My ignorant countrymen really bother me sometimes.

The Super Bowl is a minor diversion this weekend, 'cause the Bundesliga's finally back from winter break.

I can hardly wait for all the redneck NASCAR corporate whores to carp about the Daytona 500 in 3 weeks, when the rest of the world will turn its attentions to Super 12 (that's rugby, for my fellow Americans).

'Merican sports can't hold a candle to the world's games. I'd rather watch kickoff-45 minutes of commercial free action-halftime-45 more minutes of commercial free action-end than kickoff-commercials-2 minutes of action-commercials-one play-commercials-lather, rinse, repeat.

And don't even get me started on the whole "run six feet and fall down and stand around for a minute" boring nature of pro football.

I used to be a huge fan of the NFL. Not anymore. Not since seeing what the other 5.75 billion people in the world play.
 
2004-01-30 06:35:47 PM
I can predict the outcome of almost any soccer match.



It will be BORING!
 
2004-01-30 06:44:48 PM
In the last month three US stars have gone to the Premiership.

I wouldn't call Carlos Bocanegra a "star". McBride needs to prove himself over an extended period with Fulham and...who was the third this month?
 
rka
2004-01-30 07:00:50 PM

"Halfback passes to center....center passes to halfback....back to center..center holds it....holds it...holds it..."

Even the Simpsons know that soccer is boooring. According an author whom I respect, soccer will never catch on in the us because it doesn't have the Intimidation Culture that US team sports are built on. In the US, Soccer appeals to outcasts. You know, the 4th grader who can't swing a bat, can't make 2 free throws and for whom the prospect of lining up across from his schoolyard bullies in a game of American football is downright terrifying. And oddly enough, he probably doesn't like soccer all that much either, but it is a sport where you can succeed by not failing. Just run around a bit and don't get into too many major collisions and you'll get the participation medal. His mom brings him to practice in the Aerostar minivan (with the #1 SOCCER MOM bumper sticker of course) and he puts up with it, at least until he's old enough to say he doesn't like sports at all and starts listening to old Bauhaus tapes while trying on his sister's mascara.

 
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