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(io9)   God, what an asshole   (io9.com ) divider line
    More: Interesting, Gomorrah, Israelites, conservatisms  
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21549 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Feb 2014 at 5:24 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2014-02-14 06:15:35 PM  
9 votes:
i.imgur.com
2014-02-14 05:54:19 PM  
8 votes:
www.happletea.com
2014-02-14 05:48:42 PM  
7 votes:
img4.joyreactor.com
2014-02-14 04:46:06 PM  
6 votes:

Trailltrader: #8:  Onan directly disobeyed God by not inseminating his brothers wife to carry on the bloodline.  God killed him for coitus interruptus.  'Nuff said.


www.thebricktestament.com


The Brick Testament illustrates it best.
2014-02-14 07:08:04 PM  
5 votes:
God put two naked people in a garden so he could watch them.
He kicked them out when they started wanting some clothes.

That's not just pervy, that's scumbag pervy.
2014-02-14 05:45:59 PM  
5 votes:
I love Old Testament God, who seems more in line with what I'd expect from such a being. He's not all love, love, love all the time, he's prone to getting pissed off at his pets, much the way you yell at your dog and make it cower in fear when it shiats on the rug. I also like to think God has a good sense of humor, just on a much vaster scale. He's obviously been trolling us for more than 2000 years.

It's like when you make your cat chase the laser pointer. "Hey, Michael, I bet I can make these dopes throw themselves into the river. Watch!"
2014-02-14 06:11:35 PM  
4 votes:

TOSViolation: The stupid thing is that the author of that stupid webpage is thinking like an idiot human.

When God kills a righteous person, he's just inviting them into his home.  That's it.  It's no tragedy.  Many of you are just too stupid to realize that this pathetic life you cling to is meaningless in the grand scheme of existence.


Yet you're still here.
2014-02-14 08:01:29 PM  
3 votes:

Trailltrader: #8:  Onan directly disobeyed God by not inseminating his brothers wife to carry on the bloodline.  God killed him for coitus interruptus.  'Nuff said.


So, technically speaking, he died of a stroke.

/or two
2014-02-14 07:20:42 PM  
3 votes:

BATMANATEE: So, Old Testament god is essentially the biatchy popular girl from high school, but with the power to destroy anything and everything on a whim. God is an omnipotent Heather. I think I'll stick to science fiction.


To me, God sounds more like a belligerent, alcoholic father. In fact, the whole Old Testament makes more sense if you think of God wearing a stained wife-beater and holding a bottle of PGA
2014-02-14 07:13:24 PM  
3 votes:
AND He demands a starship as well.

img.4plebs.org
2014-02-14 05:45:43 PM  
3 votes:
static2.wikia.nocookie.net
2014-02-14 04:30:58 PM  
3 votes:
"Hey God, here's a blind baby."

"GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!"

I just don't think that God has that much in common with Leona Helmsley.
2014-02-14 03:48:01 PM  
3 votes:

Trailltrader: God is so Holy, to present such people before him would be an insult.


Then f*ck him.
2014-02-14 05:27:50 PM  
2 votes:
www.godsboard.com
2014-02-14 09:56:32 PM  
1 vote:
No one else thought the guy with long hair fighting a lion must be Tarzan?

New religion here folks!
2014-02-14 09:34:38 PM  
1 vote:

Trailltrader: What an amazing way of twisting God's book to "support" a non-believers position.  What an insulting backhanded way of acknowledging WHY GOD DID WHAT HE DID!

#1: Eliseus was a prophet of God.  Think on that for a moment.  His job is to represent God in physical form on this plane of existence.If Eliseus didn't kill those children then it would give the appearance that God wasn't God.


I guess it's impossible to prove you'red God without killing people.

See, its double standards like this- First he's God, then he's not God- that atheists and non-believers are hypocritical about.

#2: Turning Lots wife into salt.  Why did he do it?  Lots wife was punished by being turned into a pillar of salt for direct disobedience- she turned around, looked at the city and was killed for disobeying God.

He confused Lot's wife with Hitler, a common mistake among time travelers.

You should begin to notice the beginning of a pattern developing here....

#3: "Hating ugly people".  No, the reason why God had that law was this:  God is so Holy, to present such people before him would be an insult.

That one is still being a dick, per se.


#4: Trying to kill Moses?  Yes, God does not show favoritism- God told Moses "either circumsize your Sons or I will kill you".  Once again- disobedience!!

They'd lock anyone else who expressed such a fixation about children's genitals.

#5: Genocide?  God told the people of Israel to kill every man, woman and child of every nation they invaded- and he told them if any survived, they would "be a thorn in your side for eternity".  By disobeying God 4500 years ago you STILL have war in the middle east!  Just look at Syria!  Egypt! As a few examples!

It was white Europeans that caused the Jews the most grief.


#6: Abraham killing his own Son?  No, God wanted to test Abraham's faith- and Isaac wasn't a child at the time but actually a man around 40 years old.

An  omniscient god doesn't have to test, it already knows, and a slap in the fact to Abe.

#7:  Killing Egyptians was payback for their time as slaves, remember?

Everyone knows that killing innocent children and animals is the best way to pay back.
2014-02-14 07:51:19 PM  
1 vote:

Weaver95: Meh. Pagan. Don't care.


We know.  You make sure and tell us that in practically every thread your in.  You've replaced delusions.  Have a cookie.
2014-02-14 06:57:18 PM  
1 vote:

Rivetman1.0: You asked for it, dude


I'd still do her from the bikini top line up.
2014-02-14 06:52:14 PM  
1 vote:

Baz744: Her little hands shaking, she takes the plate from you. Her stomach in knots, she takes a piece of wood and shoves the meat around a little, trying to muster the will to take a bite, putting off the inevitable for just a few more moments.

Now.

Explain it to her. Explain Jehovah's "justice" to her in a way that makes sense. Help her feel Jehovah's "love" for her with every morsel of her dinner.


<fap, fap, fap>
Go on....
2014-02-14 06:27:57 PM  
1 vote:
Uncomfortable question for Christians # 7,633,011.

Jesus says in John that he's being crucified to "eject the prince of this world." That passage is widely interpreted to refer to Satan.

Paul states that the evil "god of this world" has blinded people to the truth. Also widely read to refer to Satan.

So when did Jehovah hand over the keys?

Throughout the Old Testament, Jehovah is pretty clearly the "god of this world." At no point does it mention Jehovah handing the world over to Satan.

So when and why did it happen? Did Satan successfully oust Jehovah? Did Jehovah just decide he was going to be a d*ck (an eminently plausible motive given his overall character)?

Or does the evil god of this world Jesus died to eject refer to Jehovah Elohim?

You fear a devil able to deceive the whole world.

What if that devil is really named "Jehovah?"
2014-02-14 06:18:01 PM  
1 vote:
Ezekiel 5:10: the demon Jehovah sentences some idolaters to "eat their children;" more degenerately still, for their "children to eat their parents."

To Jehovah's apologists:

Let's think about that. Daddy makes little Sophie, six years old, bow down in front of a carved figurine to worship it. Little Sophie obeys.

Jehovah's massive ego takes a hit. That's the sole harm here--a blow to Jehovah's self-image. Nobody got hurt. Nothing was stolen. Heck, nobody even (gasp!) had sex.

So Jehovah makes Little Sophie eat her own daddy.

Let's say as a loyal Jehovah religionist, Jehovah honors you by picking you to deliver Sophie her dinner. You grab up one steaming hot plate of Jehovah's justice in the form of "daddy au fromage."

You walk into Sophie's little hut. You find her kneeling on the bare dirt floor, her empty blue eyes lost in the dying embers of a scullery fire the last one of the Lord's servants built when he came to deliver Sophie her dinner.

She somehow lucked into a small shred of very rare, precious purple ribbon. She's used it to tie her dark hair back into a pony tail. Other than that, she's a picture of poverty.

She's an orphan now, can't take care of herself. She's rail thin, having put off eating daddy for as long as she possibly could.

But now, she's starved and trembling. She can't hold out any longer. Jehovah knows it. You know it. She knows it.

You smile warmly at her. Why shouldn't you? You're just doing Jehovah's will. Surely she'll appreciate that.

"Why?" she bleats pathetically, her dust covered face streaked with little dry riverbeds of the tears she can no longer muster for having cried so long.

Can you even imagine? This little hussy can't even show basic gratitude to one of the Lord's servants doing his will.

For reasons unknown to you, you bite back your impulse to scold her for this affront. It's your conscience, of course. But having worshiped Jehovah for so long, rationalizing away so many of his atrocities, you've lost most conscious awareness of it.

"Why?" she pleads again.

She understands Jehovah is mad at her for bowing to a carved figurine. But she just can't figure out WHY he's so mad. She didn't hurt anyone! She just pretended a silly chunk of wood was magical!

Her little hands shaking, she takes the plate from you. Her stomach in knots, she takes a piece of wood and shoves the meat around a little, trying to muster the will to take a bite, putting off the inevitable for just a few more moments.

Now.

Explain it to her. Explain Jehovah's "justice" to her in a way that makes sense. Help her feel Jehovah's "love" for her with every morsel of her dinner.
2014-02-14 06:09:01 PM  
1 vote:
The stupid thing is that the author of that stupid webpage is thinking like an idiot human.

When God kills a righteous person, he's just inviting them into his home.  That's it.  It's no tragedy.  Many of you are just too stupid to realize that this pathetic life you cling to is meaningless in the grand scheme of existence.
2014-02-14 05:53:51 PM  
1 vote:

meat0918: markie_farkie: It's like Earth is some Sadist version of The Sims..

FTFY


ecogamer.site88.net
2014-02-14 05:52:58 PM  
1 vote:
Interesting? Is the Obvious tag in purgatory?

/God sent himself to earth in order to sacrifice himself as his own son in order to absolve you of sins that he determined in order to save you from going to the hell that he created to punish people who aren't saved by him
//rrrrrriiiiiiiiight...
2014-02-14 05:48:17 PM  
1 vote:
Oldie but a goody

i58.tinypic.com
2014-02-14 05:44:49 PM  
1 vote:
No wonder fundies are so dangerous and mental.

wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com
2014-02-14 05:30:27 PM  
1 vote:
Another Ted Cruz thread?
2014-02-14 05:29:47 PM  
1 vote:
Methodist + voodoo is the only way to go.
2014-02-14 04:40:00 PM  
1 vote:
Come on, who could hate her?

www.cheapticketsmonster.com
2014-02-14 04:37:08 PM  
1 vote:
If Farkers/Farkettes excercise every time one of these threads came up. . .
2014-02-14 04:33:42 PM  
1 vote:

Trailltrader: What an amazing way of twisting God's book to "support" a non-believers position.  What an insulting backhanded way of acknowledging WHY GOD DID WHAT HE DID!


Not sure if serious.
2014-02-14 04:29:31 PM  
1 vote:

Trailltrader: God is so Holy, to present such people before him would be an insult.


You mean the people He made that way?

Yeah, dick move. Fu*k that guy.

Everything else you said is bullsh*t, too. It all boils down to "God is a dick because he can be, and that's great!" Fu*k him and fu*k you for being okay with it.
2014-02-14 04:27:13 PM  
1 vote:
Meh. Pagan. Don't care.
NFA [TotalFark]
2014-02-14 03:10:30 PM  
1 vote:
You guys are blasphemers!  Now go out there an dish up some unconditional love for the angry, vengeful, retaliatory guy upstairs.  Oh and have faith that he won't banish you to hell for all eternity on a whim.
2014-02-14 03:07:58 PM  
1 vote:
What an amazing way of twisting God's book to "support" a non-believers position.  What an insulting backhanded way of acknowledging WHY GOD DID WHAT HE DID!

#1: Eliseus was a prophet of God.  Think on that for a moment.  His job is to represent God in physical form on this plane of existence.If Eliseus didn't kill those children then it would give the appearance that God wasn't God.

See, its double standards like this- First he's God, then he's not God- that atheists and non-believers are hypocritical about.

#2: Turning Lots wife into salt.  Why did he do it?  Lots wife was punished by being turned into a pillar of salt for direct disobedience- she turned around, looked at the city and was killed for disobeying God.

You should begin to notice the beginning of a pattern developing here....

#3: "Hating ugly people".  No, the reason why God had that law was this:  God is so Holy, to present such people before him would be an insult.

#4: Trying to kill Moses?  Yes, God does not show favoritism- God told Moses "either circumsize your Sons or I will kill you".  Once again- disobedience!!

#5: Genocide?  God told the people of Israel to kill every man, woman and child of every nation they invaded- and he told them if any survived, they would "be a thorn in your side for eternity".  By disobeying God 4500 years ago you STILL have war in the middle east!  Just look at Syria!  Egypt! As a few examples!

#6: Abraham killing his own Son?  No, God wanted to test Abraham's faith- and Isaac wasn't a child at the time but actually a man around 40 years old.

#7:  Killing Egyptians was payback for their time as slaves, remember?

#8:  Onan directly disobeyed God by not inseminating his brothers wife to carry on the bloodline.  God killed him for coitus interruptus.  'Nuff said.

#9:  Sampson certainly had some problems- and God certainly used him as an "Agent Provocateur"- like burning the neighbors farms with torches tied to fox's tails.  Sampson also wasn't very bright- longer his hair, more powerful he became.

In the end, Sampson had lost his sight, his strength had come back, and his last living request was to suicide- and he did it by pulling down the support beams of the temple he was tied up in.  He killed 3,000 philistines and whats really cool?  They found this temple about 20 years ago complete with the bodies under the rubble exactly how the bible had described it.

#10: Now, why do you think God intentionally crippled Jacob in a wrestling match for life?  If you read how Jacob was a thief, a con artist, what you're really seeing is God intentionally crippling a life long bad guy so he couldn't be a bad guy anymore- what you're reading about is God's justice!!

Think on that.  Now compare that to our current legal system

You can study the last two on your own.
2014-02-14 02:44:03 PM  
1 vote:
It's like Earth is some Sadist version of The Sims..
 
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