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(io9)   God, what an asshole   (io9.com ) divider line
    More: Interesting, Gomorrah, Israelites, conservatisms  
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21549 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Feb 2014 at 5:24 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-02-14 06:15:20 PM  
*on mobile...sorry, don't know how or if it's possible to bold your names.
 
2014-02-14 06:15:35 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2014-02-14 06:16:21 PM  

Hollie Maea: loonatic112358: naughtyrev: I always loved the killing kids with bears story and the random gonna kill Moses story. I like to think that the bears story was really just some bald guy who was copying an early Torah and people made fun of him so he included his own fantasy of what he'd like to happen.

One of the guys I work with is a pastor, and his comm entary on that is the english translation kind of screws it up, he says these were young punks making threats, not kids taunting a bald guy


Since I don't read hebrew, I'll wait to see if someone who does has a comment on that

Well, in that case they totally deserved to get ripped up by bears.


I think you guys are missing the point, though.  I mean, the farking BEAST MASTER shows up in the bible, summons bears to mess up some punks day, and we're worrying about if he was bald or not.  

Beast Master, guys...
 
2014-02-14 06:17:50 PM  
i36.photobucket.com
 
2014-02-14 06:18:01 PM  
Ezekiel 5:10: the demon Jehovah sentences some idolaters to "eat their children;" more degenerately still, for their "children to eat their parents."

To Jehovah's apologists:

Let's think about that. Daddy makes little Sophie, six years old, bow down in front of a carved figurine to worship it. Little Sophie obeys.

Jehovah's massive ego takes a hit. That's the sole harm here--a blow to Jehovah's self-image. Nobody got hurt. Nothing was stolen. Heck, nobody even (gasp!) had sex.

So Jehovah makes Little Sophie eat her own daddy.

Let's say as a loyal Jehovah religionist, Jehovah honors you by picking you to deliver Sophie her dinner. You grab up one steaming hot plate of Jehovah's justice in the form of "daddy au fromage."

You walk into Sophie's little hut. You find her kneeling on the bare dirt floor, her empty blue eyes lost in the dying embers of a scullery fire the last one of the Lord's servants built when he came to deliver Sophie her dinner.

She somehow lucked into a small shred of very rare, precious purple ribbon. She's used it to tie her dark hair back into a pony tail. Other than that, she's a picture of poverty.

She's an orphan now, can't take care of herself. She's rail thin, having put off eating daddy for as long as she possibly could.

But now, she's starved and trembling. She can't hold out any longer. Jehovah knows it. You know it. She knows it.

You smile warmly at her. Why shouldn't you? You're just doing Jehovah's will. Surely she'll appreciate that.

"Why?" she bleats pathetically, her dust covered face streaked with little dry riverbeds of the tears she can no longer muster for having cried so long.

Can you even imagine? This little hussy can't even show basic gratitude to one of the Lord's servants doing his will.

For reasons unknown to you, you bite back your impulse to scold her for this affront. It's your conscience, of course. But having worshiped Jehovah for so long, rationalizing away so many of his atrocities, you've lost most conscious awareness of it.

"Why?" she pleads again.

She understands Jehovah is mad at her for bowing to a carved figurine. But she just can't figure out WHY he's so mad. She didn't hurt anyone! She just pretended a silly chunk of wood was magical!

Her little hands shaking, she takes the plate from you. Her stomach in knots, she takes a piece of wood and shoves the meat around a little, trying to muster the will to take a bite, putting off the inevitable for just a few more moments.

Now.

Explain it to her. Explain Jehovah's "justice" to her in a way that makes sense. Help her feel Jehovah's "love" for her with every morsel of her dinner.
 
2014-02-14 06:18:03 PM  
JerkStore: I love Old Testament God, who seems more in line with what I'd expect from such a being. He's not all love, love, love all the time, he's prone to getting pissed off at his pets, much the way you yell at your dog and make it cower in fear when it shiats on the rug. I also like to think God has a good sense of humor, just on a much vaster scale. He's obviously been trolling us for more than 2000 years.

It's like when you make your cat chase the laser pointer. "Hey, Michael, I bet I can make these dopes throw themselves into the river. Watch!"


Well stated
 
2014-02-14 06:18:44 PM  

Mugato: Come on, who could hate her?


You asked for it, dude

www.usmagazine.com
 
2014-02-14 06:18:50 PM  
 
2014-02-14 06:21:56 PM  

Brainsick: Interesting? Is the Obvious tag in purgatory?

/God sent himself to earth in order to sacrifice himself as his own son in order to absolve you of sins that he determined in order to save you from going to the hell that he created to punish people who aren't saved by him
//rrrrrriiiiiiiiight...


But the tag was a great red-herring :-)
 
2014-02-14 06:22:19 PM  
i thought he worked those 6 days and took off the rest of forever...
 
2014-02-14 06:27:57 PM  
Uncomfortable question for Christians # 7,633,011.

Jesus says in John that he's being crucified to "eject the prince of this world." That passage is widely interpreted to refer to Satan.

Paul states that the evil "god of this world" has blinded people to the truth. Also widely read to refer to Satan.

So when did Jehovah hand over the keys?

Throughout the Old Testament, Jehovah is pretty clearly the "god of this world." At no point does it mention Jehovah handing the world over to Satan.

So when and why did it happen? Did Satan successfully oust Jehovah? Did Jehovah just decide he was going to be a d*ck (an eminently plausible motive given his overall character)?

Or does the evil god of this world Jesus died to eject refer to Jehovah Elohim?

You fear a devil able to deceive the whole world.

What if that devil is really named "Jehovah?"
 
2014-02-14 06:31:08 PM  

Shadowknight: Hollie Maea: loonatic112358: naughtyrev: I always loved the killing kids with bears story and the random gonna kill Moses story. I like to think that the bears story was really just some bald guy who was copying an early Torah and people made fun of him so he included his own fantasy of what he'd like to happen.

One of the guys I work with is a pastor, and his comm entary on that is the english translation kind of screws it up, he says these were young punks making threats, not kids taunting a bald guy


Since I don't read hebrew, I'll wait to see if someone who does has a comment on that

Well, in that case they totally deserved to get ripped up by bears.

I think you guys are missing the point, though.  I mean, the farking BEAST MASTER shows up in the bible, summons bears to mess up some punks day, and we're worrying about if he was bald or not.  

Beast Master, guys...


Ahhhahahahahaha!!

Oh crap, I'm dyin' laughing reading this thread.
 
2014-02-14 06:43:24 PM  

lindalouwho: *on mobile...sorry, don't know how or if it's possible to bold your names.


Ya gotta use HTML. As a shortcut, if you type in the deprecated b or i tags, Fark automatically converts them to strong or em.
 
2014-02-14 06:47:48 PM  

ThrobblefootSpectre: Meh.  Been done a brazilian times.  Do an article on why Allah is an asshole, and Mohammed was a warlord pedophile using excerpts from the Quran, and I  might think you are open-minded and edgy.


This.
 
2014-02-14 06:48:03 PM  

Rivetman1.0: Mugato: Come on, who could hate her?

You asked for it, dude

[www.usmagazine.com image 850x1248]


How ironic.
 
2014-02-14 06:49:21 PM  
God gives man freewill and and then punishes him for using it, can't get more assholeish then that.
 
2014-02-14 06:52:14 PM  

Baz744: Her little hands shaking, she takes the plate from you. Her stomach in knots, she takes a piece of wood and shoves the meat around a little, trying to muster the will to take a bite, putting off the inevitable for just a few more moments.

Now.

Explain it to her. Explain Jehovah's "justice" to her in a way that makes sense. Help her feel Jehovah's "love" for her with every morsel of her dinner.


<fap, fap, fap>
Go on....
 
2014-02-14 06:53:39 PM  
And the LORD God commanded the man, "You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall die."

img.fark.net
 
2014-02-14 06:57:18 PM  

Rivetman1.0: You asked for it, dude


I'd still do her from the bikini top line up.
 
2014-02-14 06:59:41 PM  

TOSViolation: When God kills a righteous person, he's just inviting them into his home.  That's it.  It's no tragedy.  Many of you are just too stupid to realize that this pathetic life you cling to is meaningless in the grand scheme of existenc


And all those people who he loves and loves him and depend on him, fark them?
 
2014-02-14 07:05:36 PM  
This is always fun to mess with fundamentalists about. The Old Testament reads like a bad D&D session with the author godmoding (see what I did there?) for everything.

You mocked my God? He murders your whole village!
You disobeyed the rules? God murders your family!
You didn't get that chick preggers? God KILLS you!

Plus, the guy was HUGE about taking credit and bragging about it. He talked to prophets all the time, sent messages, and made it known supposedly that he was it.

Fast forward to today, God... um, yeah. They claim he causes bad weather because he's pissed, but also lights giant Jesus on fire too.

Sorry, guys, the fear of your impotent, invisible, make-believe sky wizard gets hard to maintain.
 
2014-02-14 07:08:04 PM  
God put two naked people in a garden so he could watch them.
He kicked them out when they started wanting some clothes.

That's not just pervy, that's scumbag pervy.
 
2014-02-14 07:08:38 PM  
That was exactly the article I needed to read on a slow work-Friday afternoon before a three-day weekend. That's a big thanks to subby.
 
2014-02-14 07:08:57 PM  
Well... that's the last time I'll click on a iO9 link.

Good job Fark... good job.
 
2014-02-14 07:11:19 PM  
So, Old Testament god is essentially the biatchy popular girl from high school, but with the power to destroy anything and everything on a whim. God is an omnipotent Heather. I think I'll stick to science fiction.
 
2014-02-14 07:13:24 PM  
AND He demands a starship as well.

img.4plebs.org
 
2014-02-14 07:20:17 PM  

cyberspacedout: lindalouwho: *on mobile...sorry, don't know how or if it's possible to bold your names.

Ya gotta use HTML. As a shortcut, if you type in the deprecated b or i tags, Fark automatically converts them to strong or em.


Thanks, I'll see if I can manage it lol.

I haven't been able to find the sideways v on my lame keyboard. Like the dollar sign, among others. Have accidently gotten other "hidden" symbols but don't know how. If I fail with your tips I still know some people from a gig at CMU I'll go see. Can learn to post pics too instead of being frustrated.
 
2014-02-14 07:20:42 PM  

BATMANATEE: So, Old Testament god is essentially the biatchy popular girl from high school, but with the power to destroy anything and everything on a whim. God is an omnipotent Heather. I think I'll stick to science fiction.


To me, God sounds more like a belligerent, alcoholic father. In fact, the whole Old Testament makes more sense if you think of God wearing a stained wife-beater and holding a bottle of PGA
 
2014-02-14 07:24:09 PM  
Forgot the last two:

Didn't make DrSansabeltNoShiatSlacks tall enough

DrSansabeltNoShiatSlacks not rich enough
 
2014-02-14 07:26:09 PM  

ThrobblefootSpectre: Meh.  Been done a brazilian times.  Do an article on why Allah is an asshole, and Mohammed was a warlord pedophile using excerpts from the Quran, and I  might think you are open-minded and edgy.


This is fun for me because I'm new to commenting, but that's a great idea.

You should do it ;-)
 
2014-02-14 07:28:44 PM  

BATMANATEE: So, Old Testament god is essentially the biatchy popular girl from high school, but with the power to destroy anything and everything on a whim. God is an omnipotent Heather. I think I'll stick to science fiction.


Well even though everything we know about science says that the universe is trillions of years old, God had a major change of heart within 2,000 years and is now less of a dick. To us on Earth anyway.
 
2014-02-14 07:29:37 PM  

naughtyrev: Trailltrader: He killed 3,000 philistines and whats really cool? They found this temple about 20 years ago complete with the bodies under the rubble exactly how the bible had described it.

Except the excavated Temple of Dagon at Tell Qasile could only hold about 30-35 people, tops, and it was north of Tel Aviz, not in Gaza where the Sampson story takes place, and they didn't find bodies. The temple at Gath that was excavated likewise could only hold about the same number of people and once again no bodies. The destruction of both of those have been linked to an earthquake. Ashkelon could conceivably be construed as part of Gaza way way back when, but it doesn't work either, because it wasn't a temple to Dagon. Never mind the fact that the central pillars are 8 feet apart so pushing against them would require Sampson to be a giant.

The only actual archeological evidence surrounding the Sampson story is a small carving found depicting a man with long hair fighting a lion, without context of any sort that dates to the 11th century BC, near Jerusalem.


Long hair and a lion could mean anything. That does fit some of the proto-Herakles that appeared around Cyprus and Phoenicia.
 
2014-02-14 07:33:24 PM  

magicgoo: I had no idea about the bears thing. That just made my Valentine's Day magical.


Yes, and according to the KJV, they were female bears.
 
2014-02-14 07:34:55 PM  

rebelyell2006: naughtyrev: Trailltrader: He killed 3,000 philistines and whats really cool? They found this temple about 20 years ago complete with the bodies under the rubble exactly how the bible had described it.

Except the excavated Temple of Dagon at Tell Qasile could only hold about 30-35 people, tops, and it was north of Tel Aviz, not in Gaza where the Sampson story takes place, and they didn't find bodies. The temple at Gath that was excavated likewise could only hold about the same number of people and once again no bodies. The destruction of both of those have been linked to an earthquake. Ashkelon could conceivably be construed as part of Gaza way way back when, but it doesn't work either, because it wasn't a temple to Dagon. Never mind the fact that the central pillars are 8 feet apart so pushing against them would require Sampson to be a giant.

The only actual archeological evidence surrounding the Sampson story is a small carving found depicting a man with long hair fighting a lion, without context of any sort that dates to the 11th century BC, near Jerusalem.

Long hair and a lion could mean anything. That does fit some of the proto-Herakles that appeared around Cyprus and Phoenicia.


That's why I said without any context. I'm sure a man fighting a lion would be a common tale to be told in a time when it was a very real possibility to get killed by one. Killing one with your bare hands would make an even better tale and would certainly be legendary. There's no actual evidence the carving I referred to is specifically even referring to the Sampson legend, only that it fits his tale, the time and the geographic region.
 
2014-02-14 07:38:15 PM  
Please ignore, phone (l)user testing/ learning
bold
italics
 
2014-02-14 07:48:25 PM  

The_Philosopher_King: [img.fark.net image 500x342]


The best part about this is that he wasn't even talking about Judaism, he was talking about Greece's variant of the one-god religion (a splinter Dionysian cult, iirc, though not 100% on that).

It just happens to apply to any variant of monotheism.

// Well, any variant of monotheism that actually has any rules, I guess you could make a religion where there is a god, but he's off somewhere else and doesn't care about the religion... it'd just be kinda pointless.
 
2014-02-14 07:51:19 PM  

Weaver95: Meh. Pagan. Don't care.


We know.  You make sure and tell us that in practically every thread your in.  You've replaced delusions.  Have a cookie.
 
2014-02-14 07:52:32 PM  

Candy Colored Clown: Weaver95: Meh. Pagan. Don't care.

We know.  You make sure and tell us that in practically every thread your in.  You've replaced delusions.  Have a cookie.


*You're

/slinks away
 
2014-02-14 07:56:22 PM  
You do not need to go into all the vicious, nasty crap that's in the bible to see how much of a dick god is.

All you need to do is look at hell.

Civilized people believe that punishment should fit the crime. Minor crime, minor punishment.
Civilized people believe that torture is immoral.
Civilized people believe that criminals should be able to pay their dues and possibly rehabilitate.

God doesn't believe in any of those things.

Any crime? Go to hell.
When do you get out? Never.
How are you treated? Eternal torture.
Any attempt at rehabilitation, parole, anything? Fark no! Eternal torture!!

But he loves you!!

More like he is a sadistic bastard who loves eternally torturing people.

The inventor of hell was truly a sadistic, sick bastard. This is your god.
 
2014-02-14 07:59:15 PM  

Trailltrader: What an amazing way of twisting God's book to "support" a non-believers position.  What an insulting backhanded way of acknowledging WHY GOD DID WHAT HE DID!

#1: Eliseus was a prophet of God.  Think on that for a moment.  His job is to represent God in physical form on this plane of existence.If Eliseus didn't kill those children then it would give the appearance that God wasn't God.

See, its double standards like this- First he's God, then he's not God- that atheists and non-believers are hypocritical about.

#2: Turning Lots wife into salt.  Why did he do it?  Lots wife was punished by being turned into a pillar of salt for direct disobedience- she turned around, looked at the city and was killed for disobeying God.

You should begin to notice the beginning of a pattern developing here....

#3: "Hating ugly people".  No, the reason why God had that law was this:  God is so Holy, to present such people before him would be an insult.

#4: Trying to kill Moses?  Yes, God does not show favoritism- God told Moses "either circumsize your Sons or I will kill you".  Once again- disobedience!!

#5: Genocide?  God told the people of Israel to kill every man, woman and child of every nation they invaded- and he told them if any survived, they would "be a thorn in your side for eternity".  By disobeying God 4500 years ago you STILL have war in the middle east!  Just look at Syria!  Egypt! As a few examples!

#6: Abraham killing his own Son?  No, God wanted to test Abraham's faith- and Isaac wasn't a child at the time but actually a man around 40 years old.

#7:  Killing Egyptians was payback for their time as slaves, remember?

#8:  Onan directly disobeyed God by not inseminating his brothers wife to carry on the bloodline.  God killed him for coitus interruptus.  'Nuff said.

#9:  Sampson certainly had some problems- and God certainly used him as an "Agent Provocateur"- like burning the neighbors farms with torches tied to fox's tails.  Sampson also wasn't very bright- lon ...


You have a farked up religion bud.
 
2014-02-14 08:00:27 PM  

Farking Canuck: You do not need to go into all the vicious, nasty crap that's in the bible to see how much of a dick god is.

All you need to do is look at hell.

Civilized people believe that punishment should fit the crime. Minor crime, minor punishment.
Civilized people believe that torture is immoral.
Civilized people believe that criminals should be able to pay their dues and possibly rehabilitate.

God doesn't believe in any of those things.

Any crime? Go to hell.
When do you get out? Never.
How are you treated? Eternal torture.
Any attempt at rehabilitation, parole, anything? Fark no! Eternal torture!!

But he loves you!!

More like he is a sadistic bastard who loves eternally torturing people.

The inventor of hell was truly a sadistic, sick bastard. This is your god.


Hell is only eternal torture compared to Heaven. It is in fact very much like Europe in the year 1200.
 
2014-02-14 08:01:29 PM  

Trailltrader: #8:  Onan directly disobeyed God by not inseminating his brothers wife to carry on the bloodline.  God killed him for coitus interruptus.  'Nuff said.


So, technically speaking, he died of a stroke.

/or two
 
2014-02-14 08:01:57 PM  
I have found that it is possible to put a huge speed bump out there without getting much further along than the chapters of Genesis immediately following the expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden.

God made Adam and Eve. Adam and EVE eat from one of Two forbidden trees. Adam and Eve get served an eviction notice.
Adam and Eve go forth to toil in the fields.
Have 2 sons Cain and Able.

Adam+Eve+Cain+Able= Four people in the whole of Creation.

But when the time comes, Cain and Able go trotting off to NOD to acquire wives?

Where is Nod and who created it? Another Deity? God in the Bible doesn't mention any side projects.
1st Commandment says "...no other gods before Me." Doesn't say anything about alongside or behind. Maybe a AA Class Deity, working his/her way up to the major league.

Personal belief: that there probably is a Creator/Deity of some type out there. Just not how the Bible and the various churches portray Him/Her.
Fine, with me. God in what ever form taken and I get along great. Have absolutely No use for organized religions.
They seem to have subtracted God from the mix somehow.
 
2014-02-14 08:28:05 PM  
" God is so Holy, to present such people before him would be an insult. "

Congratulations.  The above 14 words are the most succinct explanation of everything that is wrong with religion ever written.

Thanks for sharing.
 
2014-02-14 08:44:39 PM  
Threads like this make me wonder if there are people who white knight other fictional characters to this extent.  Like, are there people who defend everything Joffrey does in the Game of Thrones series?  Or that believe it's real (like guys, they TOTALLY just found a beheaded skeleton in a castle in England, and we ALL know who that is!)
 
2014-02-14 08:53:51 PM  

Candy Colored Clown: Weaver95: Meh. Pagan. Don't care.

We know.  You make sure and tell us that in practically every thread your in.  You've replaced delusions.  Have a cookie.



wtf is a pagan, anyway? I mean at least Christians have a misguided belief in some sort of  heaven.
 
2014-02-14 09:01:26 PM  

Trailltrader: What an amazing way of twisting God's book to "support" a non-believers position.  What an insulting backhanded way of acknowledging WHY GOD DID WHAT HE DID!

#1: Eliseus was a prophet of God.  Think on that for a moment.  His job is to represent God in physical form on this plane of existence.If Eliseus didn't kill those children then it would give the appearance that God wasn't God.

See, its double standards like this- First he's God, then he's not God- that atheists and non-believers are hypocritical about.

#2: Turning Lots wife into salt.  Why did he do it?  Lots wife was punished by being turned into a pillar of salt for direct disobedience- she turned around, looked at the city and was killed for disobeying God.

You should begin to notice the beginning of a pattern developing here....

#3: "Hating ugly people".  No, the reason why God had that law was this:  God is so Holy, to present such people before him would be an insult.

#4: Trying to kill Moses?  Yes, God does not show favoritism- God told Moses "either circumsize your Sons or I will kill you".  Once again- disobedience!!

#5: Genocide?  God told the people of Israel to kill every man, woman and child of every nation they invaded- and he told them if any survived, they would "be a thorn in your side for eternity".  By disobeying God 4500 years ago you STILL have war in the middle east!  Just look at Syria!  Egypt! As a few examples!

#6: Abraham killing his own Son?  No, God wanted to test Abraham's faith- and Isaac wasn't a child at the time but actually a man around 40 years old.

#7:  Killing Egyptians was payback for their time as slaves, remember?

#8:  Onan directly disobeyed God by not inseminating his brothers wife to carry on the bloodline.  God killed him for coitus interruptus.  'Nuff said.

#9:  Sampson certainly had some problems- and God certainly used him as an "Agent Provocateur"- like burning the neighbors farms with torches tied to fox's tails.  Sampson also wasn't very bright- lon ...


As much as I can appreciate someone having a deeper understanding of the Bible than the morons over at io9.com, I think trying to explain it here is a fine example of "pearls before swine"
 
gja
2014-02-14 09:12:13 PM  

NFA: You guys are blasphemers!  Now go out there an dish up some unconditional love for the angry, vengeful, retaliatory guy upstairs.  Oh and have faith that he won't banish you to hell for all eternity on a whim.


Pffffft. Divorced after 22 years, hell would be like Club Med.
 
2014-02-14 09:14:54 PM  
i204.photobucket.com
 
2014-02-14 09:17:31 PM  

Rivetman1.0: Mugato: Come on, who could hate her?

You asked for it, dude

[www.usmagazine.com image 850x1248]


I still find her cute no matter what you show me.
 
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