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(Esquire)   And the worst Valentine's Day gift of all time is:   (esquire.com ) divider line
    More: Silly, Valentine's Day, American dollars, blood donors  
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9977 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Feb 2014 at 12:21 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



80 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2014-02-14 12:22:52 PM  
Herpes?
 
2014-02-14 12:23:14 PM  
And the least funny blog of all time is:
 
2014-02-14 12:23:42 PM  
Total Fark?
 
2014-02-14 12:24:08 PM  
Syphilis!
 
2014-02-14 12:24:46 PM  
A hooker?
 
2014-02-14 12:26:10 PM  
Now she can properly make her man a sandwich.

It's better than giving her a bowling ball.
 
2014-02-14 12:26:13 PM  
Human Centipeded?
 
2014-02-14 12:26:17 PM  
"The jar - very sturdy."

I may have cracked smile.
 
2014-02-14 12:26:25 PM  
UFIA?
 
2014-02-14 12:26:36 PM  
The HIV?
 
2014-02-14 12:26:43 PM  
www.americangrocery.co.uk

www.starmoviesasia.tv
 
2014-02-14 12:26:57 PM  
Crabs ?
 
2014-02-14 12:27:52 PM  
Oh my wife will be getting a little "mayo" for Valentine's, if you know what I mean. And I mean "by the time she's back from driving the sitter home I'll probably have fallen asleep, and she'll have to settle for a sandwich".
 
2014-02-14 12:28:10 PM  
It's not the gift, it's the delivery.  Give her the jar of mayonnaise, and wait.

"The jar - very sturdy."

Broad smile: "It's not mayonnaise."
 
2014-02-14 12:28:44 PM  
The clap?
 
2014-02-14 12:28:54 PM  
Gee, I was going to say a handshake. But with syphilis in the running, that just sounds weak.
 
2014-02-14 12:29:00 PM  
It has to be difficult to be a gay man writing articles for an ostensibly hetero audience, at least when you're assigned something relationshippy instead of fashion oriented.
 
2014-02-14 12:29:08 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2014-02-14 12:29:09 PM  
i141.photobucket.com
 
2014-02-14 12:29:37 PM  
Tongue kiss from grandma?
 
2014-02-14 12:29:49 PM  
Oh, come on. Mayonnaise is incredibly romantic. It's from "Officer and a Gentleman". It was Richard Gere's character's nickname. Love lift us up where we belong. Richard Gere. Debra Winger. 1982. Come on.
 
2014-02-14 12:31:40 PM  
thumbs.dreamstime.com


/the box is to hold souvenirs after the clown is...finished
 
2014-02-14 12:32:34 PM  
Better than the gift from Jack McGurn to Bugs Moran gang in Chicago. Number one with a bullet..
 
2014-02-14 12:33:01 PM  
Anal warts?
 
2014-02-14 12:33:07 PM  
b0rg9:

Power is an aphrodisiac. So, if you don't have a girlfriend, you are less desirable than Hitler, and effectively powerless.
 
2014-02-14 12:33:32 PM  
Are you telling me that it's NOT a clue she needs to go to the clinic?
 
2014-02-14 12:33:52 PM  
A Hot Cocoa Sampler Box?
 
2014-02-14 12:34:01 PM  
A strap-on in a box.
 
2014-02-14 12:35:14 PM  
Coffee grounds.
 
2014-02-14 12:35:52 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-02-14 12:36:03 PM  
Death.
 
2014-02-14 12:36:22 PM  
A box of prunes.
 
2014-02-14 12:37:25 PM  
I was going to say VD, but I see we've already covered that quite well. Bonus points if you're married and give it to your spouse. THAT makes for an awkward conversation....
 
2014-02-14 12:39:02 PM  
In all seriousness, when I was in high school, I was dating a super crazy chick. I tried breaking up with her once, only to cave and take her back when she attention whored it up and "tried to kill herself". After couple weeks I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted out, and really wanted to drive the point home, so I broke up with her on Valentine's Day.

I gave her a card telling her we were done, and an almost-wilting yellow rose. She never talked to me again, which is how it needed to be.
 
2014-02-14 12:40:27 PM  
I beg to differ:

misanthropology101.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-02-14 12:42:34 PM  

that one guy from that one place: In all seriousness, when I was in high school, I was dating a super crazy chick. I tried breaking up with her once, only to cave and take her back when she attention whored it up and "tried to kill herself". After couple weeks I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted out, and really wanted to drive the point home, so I broke up with her on Valentine's Day.

I gave her a card telling her we were done, and an almost-wilting yellow rose. She never talked to me again, which is how it needed to be.


the tried to kill herself part sucks.  been there, too.  the only advice i would ever give anyone in this situation is that, if they said they would kill themselves, they're bluffing for attention. don't be manipulated.  people who are going to kill themselves kill themselves.  you can't save them.  they don't give you a warning.  if you ever get a warning, it's all for attention.

/ what i don't say is that, though this person does not want to kill themselves, they may harm themselves and whoops.  but, still, there's nothing you can do.  don't negotiate with terrorists.
 
2014-02-14 12:42:54 PM  

b0rg9: [i.imgur.com image 540x720]


static1.fjcdn.com

(NSFW language)
http://youtu.be/cuyxIEmpmbc
 
2014-02-14 12:43:11 PM  
To give to women.... a $50 gift card to this site
 
2014-02-14 12:43:54 PM  
valleypatriot.com
 
2014-02-14 12:44:46 PM  
Mayo? The instrument?
 
2014-02-14 12:45:03 PM  
I have to say the current SO was less than appreciative of this years gifts:


ecx.images-amazon.com


s2.hubimg.com


l
 
2014-02-14 12:45:33 PM  
FTFA: Here's the plan: Save your real gift for 48 hours from now. At about noon, give her the gift of mayonnaise...

Are you men farking crazy?
 
2014-02-14 12:47:58 PM  
What if it's artisan , craft, organic, local mayonnaise?

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-02-14 12:51:14 PM  

Cold_Sassy: FTFA: Here's the plan: Save your real gift for 48 hours from now. At about noon, give her the gift of mayonnaise...

Are you men farking crazy?


Some of us are
(but don't tell her I said that)
;)
 
2014-02-14 12:51:35 PM  

Cold_Sassy: FTFA: Here's the plan: Save your real gift for 48 hours from now. At about noon, give her the gift of mayonnaise...

Are you men farking crazy?


jury's out
 
2014-02-14 12:52:13 PM  
Raid Crack & Crevice

/check her for crabs, please.
 
2014-02-14 12:52:39 PM  
Can't believe this isn't already in here:

thisiswhyimsingle.com
 
2014-02-14 12:53:00 PM  
I was going to go with pennies, but that's pretty bad too. :P
 
2014-02-14 12:53:27 PM  
Getting the same heart-shaped box of chocolates from your husband that he gives his girlfriend. That is a Valentine's day to remember.
 
2014-02-14 12:53:43 PM  

mr lawson: Cold_Sassy: FTFA: Here's the plan: Save your real gift for 48 hours from now. At about noon, give her the gift of mayonnaise...

Are you men farking crazy?

jury's out


Yeah, I forgot suicidal.
 
2014-02-14 12:55:24 PM  
I felt compelled to comment.
 
2014-02-14 12:56:33 PM  

Mateorocks: I beg to differ:

[misanthropology101.files.wordpress.com image 500x500]


Agreed
 
2014-02-14 12:59:11 PM  
The machete thing in the article... what the hell was that? My girl gave me a machete for Christmas. Not only is it useful, and yes the neighbors do seem to have an odd new respect after seeing me trim the hedges, but it also is a message of trust. My buddy gave his girlfriend a shotgun today. That was ballsy.
 
2014-02-14 01:05:57 PM  
Wtf was that all about?
 
2014-02-14 01:06:47 PM  

Cold_Sassy: FTFA: Here's the plan: Save your real gift for 48 hours from now. At about noon, give her the gift of mayonnaise...

Are you men farking crazy?


Further advice: Make damn sure you have the receipt for the "good" gift to prove that you bought it before Valentines day. You will most likely still experience the wrath of ire, but MIGHT make your live easier, depending on the sense of humor factor of the gal.
 
2014-02-14 01:07:26 PM  

6655321: Better than the gift from Jack McGurn to Bugs Moran gang in Chicago. Number one with a bullet..


Ok, I know there must be Capone-themed Valentine Cards out there, somewhere.

/leaves thread to find them on the innerweb.
 
2014-02-14 01:08:06 PM  
Has no one ever seen this?


img.fark.net
 
2014-02-14 01:12:50 PM  

Mateorocks: I beg to differ:

[misanthropology101.files.wordpress.com image 500x500]


Winner.
 
2014-02-14 01:15:38 PM  

poodebunker: Wtf was that all about?


I'm not sure.  So I'm gonna start drinking.
 
2014-02-14 01:31:28 PM  

blatz514: poodebunker: Wtf was that all about?

I'm not sure.  So I'm gonna start drinking.


I'm on my way fix me one too. I'll stop for more booze and some snacks on the way. We'll try to figure this thing out.
 
2014-02-14 01:32:33 PM  
My hubby doesn't have to give me anything for Valentine's Day. It's stupid. He takes good care of me and adores me. I mean it. We don't need Hallmark Holidays. Ima make him a sammich.
 
2014-02-14 01:49:27 PM  

poodebunker: blatz514: poodebunker: Wtf was that all about?

I'm not sure.  So I'm gonna start drinking.

I'm on my way fix me one too. I'll stop for more booze and some snacks on the way. We'll try to figure this thing out.


Done.  What are we drowning our sorrows with?  Whiskey?  Vodak?
 
2014-02-14 01:54:56 PM  
That toothy BJ your mom gave me was pretty bad.
 
2014-02-14 02:02:01 PM  
My bf gave me a stuffed animal that his ex gave him. Even more farked up was that it was in a shelf in the closet and I have seen it. Then he made an appointment with his accountant today at 4, ruining the dinner reservations that I had made.

Talk about best Valentines day evar!!!
 
2014-02-14 02:16:08 PM  

ccc1138: What if it's artisan , craft, organic, local mayonnaise?

[3.bp.blogspot.com image 393x296]


Well don't I feel dumb. I went into a local artisanal shop for a gift for my wife, and came out with a half pound of sponge candy. If only I'd known I could have bought mayonnaise instead. *facepalm*
 
2014-02-14 02:19:48 PM  
I was going to say vacuum cleaner but I think mayo has that beat
 
2014-02-14 02:23:19 PM  

farkin_noob: My bf gave me a stuffed animal that his ex gave him. Even more farked up was that it was in a shelf in the closet and I have seen it. Then he made an appointment with his accountant today at 4, ruining the dinner reservations that I had made.

Talk about best Valentines day evar!!!


He's probably having sex with the accountant
 
2014-02-14 02:24:42 PM  

farkin_noob: My bf gave me a stuffed animal that his ex gave him. Even more farked up was that it was in a shelf in the closet and I have seen it. Then he made an appointment with his accountant today at 4, ruining the dinner reservations that I had made.

Talk about best Valentines day evar!!!


You may be single soon
:(

/those sound like signs
 
2014-02-14 02:32:51 PM  
A picture of you farking her sister?
 
2014-02-14 02:44:34 PM  
Pads and Pamprin, and she said "thanks, just what I needed".
/threw in a card and flowers for good measure too, but those were secondary
 
2014-02-14 02:58:15 PM  

Valiente: [www.americangrocery.co.uk image 850x850]

[www.starmoviesasia.tv image 547x330]


Okay, who is she? She's cuter than a bug's ear.
 
2014-02-14 03:01:26 PM  

b0rg9: [i.imgur.com image 540x720]


Yeah, but he shot himself the day after he married her. What does that tell you?
 
2014-02-14 03:04:10 PM  
If you're not married to the lady yet, put a big f*cking diamond engagement ring in there, right on the top.  It's the perfect mix of OMGROMANCE and WTF!??
 
2014-02-14 03:35:41 PM  
Richard Brautigan approves
 
2014-02-14 04:22:20 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-02-14 04:33:20 PM  

Bunkyb123: My hubby doesn't have to give me anything for Valentine's Day. It's stupid. He takes good care of me and adores me. I mean it. We don't need Hallmark Holidays. Ima make him a sammich.


Holy carp, my wife is on Fark!
 
2014-02-14 05:12:18 PM  

xanadian: If you're not married to the lady yet, put a big f*cking diamond engagement ring in there, right on the top.  It's the perfect mix of OMGROMANCE and WTF!??


Yes, because nothing says commitment like an artificially inflated colorless carbon crystal that can be easily damaged by fire.

/pearls have class
//and character
///and they don't cost three months wages
 
2014-02-14 09:30:04 PM  

hasty ambush: I have to say the current SO was less than appreciative of this years gifts:

l


I got a weedeater for my first anniversary. Kinda prophetic, looking back.
She got a $300 Seiko
 
2014-02-15 07:18:46 AM  

farkin_noob: My bf gave me a stuffed animal that his ex gave him. Even more farked up was that it was in a shelf in the closet and I have seen it. Then he made an appointment with his accountant today at 4, ruining the dinner reservations that I had made.

Talk about best Valentines day evar!!!


DTMFA.
 
2014-02-15 10:39:46 AM  

Brainsick: [valleypatriot.com image 424x283]


Ooo... that's a really, really good (bad?) one, didn't think of that.  But still I think an STD would be worse.


gito: Herpes?


Why stop there?
img.fark.net
 
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