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(IndieWire)   "Noah" to hit theaters un-screentested and religious right-unapproved   (blogs.indiewire.com) divider line 139
    More: Cool, Darren Aronofsky, theaters, test screening, character posters  
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3584 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 12 Feb 2014 at 6:08 PM (23 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



139 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-02-12 05:16:51 PM
As if the religious right has anything to do with actual religion other than pandering towards it.
 
2014-02-12 05:32:05 PM
Noah!
Yes
Build an Ark!
Right.  What's an ark?
 
2014-02-12 05:32:29 PM
*bing*
 
2014-02-12 05:35:33 PM
Literalists - "Only include the stuff we like!"
 
2014-02-12 05:44:06 PM
Yeah, I plan to miss it.
 
2014-02-12 05:44:28 PM
Will there be ass-to-ass?
 
2014-02-12 05:45:34 PM
I have no idea what this Noah movie is going to be like, but I saw a trailer for Son of God the other day and I'm excited for it. Looks good as shiat.

// unbelieving heathen
 
2014-02-12 05:45:45 PM
Great two hours of watching people shovel shiat.
 
2014-02-12 05:47:23 PM

oldernell: Noah!
Yes
Build an Ark!
Right.  What's an ark?


For the youngsters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bputeFGXEjA
 
2014-02-12 05:54:50 PM
I hope there are dinosaurs.
 
2014-02-12 05:59:52 PM

exick: I have no idea what this Noah movie is going to be like, but I saw a trailer for Son of God the other day and I'm excited for it. Looks good as shiat.

// unbelieving heathen


IIRC, it's only the Jesus parts of the History Channel's miniseries "The Bible" that aired last year edited together.

What has the "literalists" up in arms is, according to another site, Noah being shown as a drunk "and considers taking drastic measures to eradicate mankind from the planet."  I was fairly sure the book says Noah's a drunk, but.
 
2014-02-12 06:11:47 PM

robsul82: What has the "literalists" up in arms is, according to another site, Noah being shown as a drunk "and considers taking drastic measures to eradicate mankind from the planet." I was fairly sure the book says Noah's a drunk, but.


Well, if they're being literal, Noah is described as being drunk once, but it doesn't happen until after the flood. Of course, he gets drunk, passes out naked, his son Ham sees him and tells his brothers, and somehow Ham is the one who ends up with the curse on his house. Because that's just how the Bible rolls.
 
2014-02-12 06:13:02 PM

oldernell: Noah!
Yes
Build an Ark!
Right.  What's an ark?


Totally should have had Cos narrate the trailer
 
2014-02-12 06:13:02 PM
I think Human Centipede is the only movie I would be less interested in seeing.  Or anything with Adam Sandler, obviously.
 
2014-02-12 06:13:49 PM
That is the whitest Noah.
 
2014-02-12 06:15:43 PM
My question is, why is Emma Watson in this movie?
 
2014-02-12 06:20:49 PM

exick: robsul82: What has the "literalists" up in arms is, according to another site, Noah being shown as a drunk "and considers taking drastic measures to eradicate mankind from the planet." I was fairly sure the book says Noah's a drunk, but.

Well, if they're being literal, Noah is described as being drunk once, but it doesn't happen until after the flood. Of course, he gets drunk, passes out naked, his son Ham sees him and tells his brothers, and somehow Ham is the one who ends up with the curse on his house. Because that's just how the Bible rolls.


Ah.  Well, it says Noah "gets drunk" during the movie and religious people didn't like that, so I assume that's what it's referring to.  I think the movie's going out as PG-13, maybe the literalists were upset that Crowe doesn't get naked when he's drunk.
 
2014-02-12 06:22:11 PM
This should be on the Syfy channel, after all it is fiction.
 
2014-02-12 06:22:22 PM

Slam Bradley: My question is, why is Emma Watson in this movie?


God said "And bring two puppies"
 
2014-02-12 06:23:27 PM

fusillade762: Will there be ass-to-ass?


wrong night, Dragoon.
 
2014-02-12 06:28:22 PM

dietbubba: oldernell: Noah!
Yes
Build an Ark!
Right.  What's an ark?

Totally should have had Cos narrate the trailer


I was just watching a string of Crosby videos... and then it hit me... most of my parenting styles came from watching him as a kid.
 
2014-02-12 06:29:21 PM
guy loves controversy

4.bp.blogspot.com

Didn't know he had a bio pic coming out . . .
 
2014-02-12 06:29:23 PM

exick: robsul82: What has the "literalists" up in arms is, according to another site, Noah being shown as a drunk "and considers taking drastic measures to eradicate mankind from the planet." I was fairly sure the book says Noah's a drunk, but.

Well, if they're being literal, Noah is described as being drunk once, but it doesn't happen until after the flood. Of course, he gets drunk, passes out naked, his son Ham sees him and tells his brothers, and somehow Ham is the one who ends up with the curse on his house. Because that's just how the Bible rolls.


I'm with MovieBob on this one for that reason.

/To wit: "Holy shiat, they're making an actual movie about the Old Testament?  Like with all the weirdness in it?  Yeah, I'll watch that."  Because from what little I've picked up, there's just some straight up weird shiat in the OT, and Old Testament God is just an absolute dick.
 
2014-02-12 06:32:12 PM
I love all of Aronofsky's movies, it's a no-brainer for me that I'm going to see it.
 
2014-02-12 06:33:43 PM

roflmaonow: I love all of Aronofsky's movies, it's a no-brainer for me that I'm going to see it.


Yeah, this.  Plus, fightin' 'round the world aside, I think Crowe's a incredibly good actor.  I'm sold.
 
2014-02-12 06:35:08 PM

whither_apophis: Slam Bradley: My question is, why is Emma Watson in this movie?

God said "And bring two puppies"


He said Emma Watson, not Allison Brie.
 
2014-02-12 06:35:31 PM

meyerkev: /To wit: "Holy shiat, they're making an actual movie about the Old Testament? Like with all the weirdness in it? Yeah, I'll watch that." Because from what little I've picked up, there's just some straight up weird shiat in the OT, and Old Testament God is just an absolute dick.


I'm with you there. The OT has some awesomely terrible stories. I know this movie is ostensibly about Noah, but I hope it's not sugar coated. Every living thing on the planet, except for what was on the ark, was drowned. That's one brutal montage.
 
2014-02-12 06:36:15 PM

roflmaonow: I love all of Aronofsky's movies, it's a no-brainer for me that I'm going to see it.


Came here to snark on the religious right, but this is an Aronofsky movie? I can't wait to see it, he is brilliant. And Clint Mansell again for the music, of course.
 
2014-02-12 06:36:30 PM

whither_apophis: Slam Bradley: My question is, why is Emma Watson in this movie?

God said "And bring two puppies"


reactiongifs.me
 
2014-02-12 06:38:43 PM
Why would you screen test a documentary?
 
2014-02-12 06:42:39 PM
NOAH IN THEATERS THIS JULY

IT'S A WASH!
 
2014-02-12 06:45:02 PM
VWOOOBA...VWOOOBA...VWOOBA
 
2014-02-12 06:47:41 PM
Noah story has to be the dumbest Bible story there ever written. It's about suspension of disbelief. In Superman, we're asked to belief that Kal El is an alien from Krypton so he can fly and shiat. But when the bad guy takes the human girl and flies her into space, that has to be explained, even if in a comic book explanation.

So in the Bible, if Moses parts the red sea or Jesus rises from the dead, that all God stuff. But a regular human,  a drunk no less, builds a boat that holds 7 of all species,  billions of which, some of which we haven't even discovered yet, that needs to be explained, even if it's a goofy comic book explanation.
 
2014-02-12 06:56:14 PM
I saw an advanced screening
They hit a reef and everyone drowns
Bit of a twist really
 
2014-02-12 06:57:45 PM

mjbok: whither_apophis: Slam Bradley: My question is, why is Emma Watson in this movie?

God said "And bring two puppies"

He said Emma Watson, not Allison Brie.


Only if God meant Great Dane pups.

/ah hell, she can come onboard too...
 
2014-02-12 06:58:27 PM

Mugato: Noah story has to be the dumbest Bible story there ever written. It's about suspension of disbelief. In Superman, we're asked to belief that Kal El is an alien from Krypton so he can fly and shiat. But when the bad guy takes the human girl and flies her into space, that has to be explained, even if in a comic book explanation.

So in the Bible, if Moses parts the red sea or Jesus rises from the dead, that all God stuff. But a regular human,  a drunk no less, builds a boat that holds 7 of all species,  billions of which, some of which we haven't even discovered yet, that needs to be explained, even if it's a goofy comic book explanation.


www.fordjordan.com
 
2014-02-12 06:58:45 PM

Mugato: Noah story has to be the dumbest Bible story there ever written. It's about suspension of disbelief. In Superman, we're asked to belief that Kal El is an alien from Krypton so he can fly and shiat. But when the bad guy takes the human girl and flies her into space, that has to be explained, even if in a comic book explanation.

So in the Bible, if Moses parts the red sea or Jesus rises from the dead, that all God stuff. But a regular human,  a drunk no less, builds a boat that holds 7 of all species,  billions of which, some of which we haven't even discovered yet, that needs to be explained, even if it's a goofy comic book explanation.


a lot of cultures have a flood story, though. it is interesting to get the jew's take on it.

/hoping tugger has a cameo
 
2014-02-12 07:00:11 PM
Saw the ad during the Superbowl and thought it was going to turn out to be a joke of some sort.  I still have a hard time believing this.
 
2014-02-12 07:00:35 PM

netizencain: That is the whitest Noah.


Everyone knows that the Bible took place in Northern Europe.
 
2014-02-12 07:01:58 PM
Long as they include the drinking and incest.
 
2014-02-12 07:01:59 PM
static.fjcdn.com
 
2014-02-12 07:06:26 PM

Dragonflew: And Clint Mansell again for the music, of course.


I can dig it.
 
2014-02-12 07:16:12 PM

whither_apophis: Only if God meant Great Dane pups.

/ah hell, she can come onboard too...


For Emma Watson, it would be guppies, not puppies.  She's beautiful, but she's pretty flat.
 
2014-02-12 07:19:41 PM
This is not useful to Ken Ham or any other biblical literalists, so it's got that going for it.

No one in their right mind really believes all the land animals in the world were on Noah's Ark.

//Ken of course is not of sound mind, but that's beside the point.
 
2014-02-12 07:22:16 PM
So, he's saying this now, because he knows it sucks and is laying excuse groundwork.  Got it.
 
2014-02-12 07:26:38 PM

legion_of_doo: a lot of cultures have a flood story, though. it is interesting to get the jew's take on it.


Yeah, it's almost almost every civilization lived near water, because they needed water and often there was a flood. what does that have to do with 7 of every species of animal from every part of piece of every piece of of the planet?
 
2014-02-12 07:30:16 PM
Aronofsky.  will see.
 
2014-02-12 07:32:31 PM

Mugato: legion_of_doo: a lot of cultures have a flood story, though. it is interesting to get the jew's take on it.

Yeah, it's almost almost every civilization lived near water, because they needed water and often there was a flood. what does that have to do with 7 of every species of animal from every part of piece of every piece of of the planet?


It's seven of every clean and two of every unclean animal.
 
2014-02-12 07:33:04 PM
Unless Ham sexes up his dad, Noah, and there's some sort of drunken tryst involving Emma Watson, I think I'll sit this one out.

I'll just watch Master and Commander and pretend there are giraffes on board.
 
2014-02-12 07:35:26 PM

mjbok: For Emma Watson, it would be guppies, not puppies. She's beautiful, but she's pretty flat.


I assume that's why Jennifer Connelly is there to add extra gravitas to the screen.
 
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