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(Salon)   Nineteen imaginative insults from around the world, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish. O for breath to utter what is like thee, you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile standing-tuck   (salon.com) divider line 137
    More: Amusing, maternal insult, sweating  
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5841 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Feb 2014 at 2:29 PM (45 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



137 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2014-02-12 05:09:45 PM  
You creamy-lipped pickle kisser!

You suck cock by choice!
 
2014-02-12 05:10:56 PM  

Mell of a Hess: My new FARK handle - Rodriguez the Mexican Pervert

RODRIGUEZ THE MEXICAN PERVERT

Chorus:
Ay, yai, yai yai
Rodriguez the Mexican pervert
My sister Melinda, she pissed out the winda and ruined my brand new sombreo

Chorus (optional, or just do the Rodriguez one):
Ay, yai, yai yai
Single-line insults:
Your mother swims out to meet troop ships
Your mother does pushups on flagpoles
They do it in China for chile
They do it in Chile for china
Your mother thinks bedpans are soup bowls
Your sister gives hand jobs on subways
Your father gets cum in his mustache
You brother beats off in confession
Your father smells little girl's bicycle seats
Your sister does squat-thrusts on fireplugs
Your mother and father were brothers
Your sister's in love with a carrot
Your mother swims out after troopships (and catches them!)
The troopships requested your father
Your sister licks batshiat off cave walls
Your mother does squat thrusts on fire hydrants
Your brother beats off with a crowbar
Your sister douches with Drano
Your father re-fills creme doughnuts
Your brother eats the creme doughnuts
Your mother deflowered Speed Racer
Your sister licks moose cum off pine cones
Your brother likes sheep more than women
Your mother likes gangbangs from scout troops
Your father sucks farts from dead chickens
Your sister goes down for a quarter
Your mother makes tampons from gerbils
Your sister can suck-start a Harley
Your sister leaves slime trails like snails
I'm the reasons my parents stopped having children
(or any other distasteful verse you can think of)
So let's have another verse
That's worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willy.

I cannot remember who recorded this, but the first time I heard it I busted a gut laughing.  Feel free to help find.  It's a classic.


I heard a variant recorded by Axel The Sot. Most of his songs he records are farkin' hilarious. Look for his "Tales from the tavern" cd.
 
2014-02-12 05:14:34 PM  

timujin: May a thousand syphilitic camels puke in your couscous - (dammit, can't remember)


May a crazed Yak infest your sister
 
2014-02-12 05:22:48 PM  

timujin: uncleacid: May a diseased cow blow brown bubbles in your bath water - Carson.

May a thousand syphilitic camels puke in your couscous - (dammit, can't remember)


It was a Yak not a cow.  (dammit).
 
2014-02-12 05:34:08 PM  
"Wuh duh ma huh tah duh fong kwong duh wai shung!"

/MR
 
2014-02-12 05:36:03 PM  
25.media.tumblr.com
 
2014-02-12 05:37:27 PM  
Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes.

/oblig.jpg
 
2014-02-12 05:38:57 PM  
I will grab you from both ends like a towel and floss-dry my ass with you.
 
2014-02-12 05:57:00 PM  
A rather specialized one

B'zugda-Hiara
 
2014-02-12 05:59:38 PM  
i61.tinypic.com
 
2014-02-12 06:42:06 PM  
videoofthedayblog.com

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
 
2014-02-12 06:47:09 PM  
My East Texas dirt farmer Grandfather, of a man he did not like:
"That son of a biatch makes my ass wanna dip snuff."
 
2014-02-12 06:48:19 PM  
And no - I have no idea whatsoever what he meant by that.
 
2014-02-12 06:54:09 PM  

jst3p: My dad once told someone to "Go piss up a rope".

Not sure what it meant but I always remembered it.


I've heard that one and have my own special twist on it... leaves people scratching their heads sometimes...

"Go shiat up a rope" and "go piss in a hat"

/Yes I'm strange...
 
2014-02-12 06:56:28 PM  
I don't quite get how "I sh*t in the milk." is an insult, unless it is a statement of fact, but by that point you've obviously gone past verbal sparring.
 
2014-02-12 07:38:10 PM  

bearded clamorer: [lh4.ggpht.com image 340x264]

"May the bow of a violin enter your anus" is funnier
if you read it in Johnny Carson's voice.


Wrong again, bison breath.
 
2014-02-12 07:49:33 PM  

jso2897: And no - I have no idea whatsoever what he meant by that.


Sounds like an old dirt farmer thing.
 
2014-02-12 08:19:39 PM  

Gyrfalcon: jso2897: And no - I have no idea whatsoever what he meant by that.

Sounds like an old dirt farmer thing.


Most likely - he was an obscure man.
 
2014-02-12 08:21:32 PM  

BATMANATEE: I don't quite get how "I sh*t in the milk." is an insult, unless it is a statement of fact, but by that point you've obviously gone past verbal sparring.


The article mistranslated it.  It should have be rendered as "I sh*t in YOUR milk."  Spanish often uses a definite article like "the" where English would use a possessive determiner like "your."

But also I think it can be used to mean something like "I messed up badly" or "I screwed up," which isn't really an insult.
 
2014-02-12 08:52:45 PM  

asquian: Wow, a reason to post this that isn't in the direct context of something they've actually done

mendacious, death-loving, frothing, lamprey-mouthed, inhuman, abominable, atrocious, verminous, rapacious, sadistic, bullying, invasive, grasping, psychopathic, twisted, warped, animalistic, belly-crawling, mouth-breathing, illiterate, innumerate, know-nothing, imbecilic, sheep-raping, horror movie extras masturbating into wads of money while fantasizing about war collateral damage...(inhale)...puppy-torturing, vacuous, mindless, nihilistic, evil, diseased, soulless, morally bankrupt, greedy, insecure, envious, kleptomaniac charnel-house mascots stewing in universal hatred for all life...(inhale)...toxic, ugly, bestial, humorless, loveless, compassionless, demonic human-shaped ruins forever slouching toward Bethlehem in search of some fresh nightmare to wreak on the defenseless via other people's money and heroism...(inhale)...Satanic monkey-shiat-throwing, cowardly, chickenhawkish, parasitic, baby's-candy-stealing, wife-beating, minority-purging, syphilitic Confederate poltergeists with erectile dysfunction...

...perverse, prurient, crocodile-eyed, necrophiliac mass-producers of human misery and gleeful destroyers of truth, justice, and the American way...sepulchre-hearted human deserts walking the Earth only to look for more victims...silly, stupid, ignorant bastards proud of every good thing they've never done, every person they've never been considerate toward, every fact they've never learned and will never acknowledge, and every virtue they will never possess or even attempt to comprehend...preternaturally drunken, bleary-eyed, zombie-like, empty vessels who wander aimlessly until given instruction by their masters...unthinking, unquestioning, unfeeling diabolus ex machina mockeries of the human condition, perpetually acting out a burlesque of the basest and least interesting psychological dysfunctions...
...face-chewing, self-devouring, medieval barbarian museum d ...


You forgot "scrofulous".
 
2014-02-12 08:59:14 PM  
I always liked this line from Henry V

If the enemy is an ass, and a fool, and a prating coxcomb, is it meet, think you, that we should also, look you, be an ass, and a fool, and a prating coxcomb?
 
2014-02-12 09:36:28 PM  
May all your chickens turn into emus and kick your dunny down.
 
2014-02-12 09:53:02 PM  
You, sir, stand under suspicion of being more than casually acquainted with the sin of Onan
-James May
 
2014-02-12 10:00:50 PM  
Trueneme el ijote: 'squeeze the green bean' (aka, telling someone to jerk you off).

Mexican slang is filled to the brim with all sorts of interesting and wildly creative insults.
 
2014-02-12 10:01:38 PM  
I would slap you, but shiat splatters.
 
2014-02-12 11:16:11 PM  
You have not exceeded my expectations.
 
2014-02-12 11:35:23 PM  

kling_klang_bed: Trueneme el ijote: 'squeeze the green bean' (aka, telling someone to jerk you off).

Mexican slang is filled to the brim with all sorts of interesting and wildly creative insults

references to beans.
 
2014-02-12 11:45:17 PM  

LtDarkstar: jst3p: My dad once told someone to "Go piss up a rope".

Not sure what it meant but I always remembered it.

I've heard that one and have my own special twist on it... leaves people scratching their heads sometimes...

"Go shiat up a rope" and "go piss in a hat"

/Yes I'm strange...


Here's one for ya:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7M3EEHYkJ0
 
2014-02-13 12:15:07 AM  
I'll have your head, you filthy Nord!
 
2014-02-13 01:49:23 AM  
A whoreson, beetle-headed flap-earned knave!
 
2014-02-13 03:10:22 AM  
Hydrophobic Old Rag!

Fishwife!
 
2014-02-13 04:04:31 AM  
You muff-diving, crab-crawling, bastard, asshole, commie, pinko farkstick.
 
2014-02-13 04:09:14 AM  
FTFA: 1. Chinese: "Ni muqin shi yi ge da wugui!"
... or, "Your mother is a big turtle."


I've been told that "rotten turtle egg" is considered one of the worst possible insults in Chinese.

10. Persian: "Mee goozam rangesh kon!"
... "Try to paint my fart," or less literally, "f*ck off."


That one's pretty damn good.
 
2014-02-13 10:27:32 AM  

capt.hollister: You, sir, stand under suspicion of being more than casually acquainted with the sin of Onan
-James May


May is my favorite.  He once called Clarkson an, "infantile pillock".
 
2014-02-13 02:28:13 PM  

ciberido: BATMANATEE: I don't quite get how "I sh*t in the milk." is an insult, unless it is a statement of fact, but by that point you've obviously gone past verbal sparring.

The article mistranslated it.  It should have be rendered as "I sh*t in YOUR milk."  Spanish often uses a definite article like "the" where English would use a possessive determiner like "your."

But also I think it can be used to mean something like "I messed up badly" or "I screwed up," which isn't really an insult.


My boss once used that expression to bond with some Spanish contractors once.  Like, it was the first thing he said when he met them.  Takes brass ones to pull that off.

/it also appears all throughout Hemingway's 'For Whom The Bell Tolls'
 
2014-02-13 05:24:17 PM  
References to asses, sucking, and canalwater strangely absent.
 
2014-02-13 07:49:26 PM  

Tiiba: I'll have your head, you filthy Nord!


This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death, you n'wah!
 
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