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(Salon)   Nineteen imaginative insults from around the world, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish. O for breath to utter what is like thee, you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile standing-tuck   (salon.com) divider line 137
    More: Amusing, maternal insult, sweating  
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5837 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Feb 2014 at 2:29 PM (31 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



137 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2014-02-12 03:15:03 PM
How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil?
 
2014-02-12 03:17:18 PM
May it rain shiat and flat rocks to splash you.
 
2014-02-12 03:18:11 PM

Mell of a Hess: I cannot remember who recorded this, but the first time I heard it I busted a gut laughing. Feel free to help find. It's a classic.


It is either recorded by, or a rip-off of, John "Dr. Dirty" Valby
 
2014-02-12 03:18:27 PM

iron de havilland: asquian: iron de havilland: You fight like a dairy farmer.

That's funny, you fight like a cow.

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!


I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose!
 
2014-02-12 03:19:45 PM

asquian: iron de havilland: asquian: iron de havilland: You fight like a dairy farmer.

That's funny, you fight like a cow.

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose!


My last fight ended with my hands covered in blood!
 
2014-02-12 03:21:03 PM
Ah.  Whatever happened to the Shakespearean Insult Generator?

http://www.mainstrike.com/mstservices/handy/insult.html

...and of course...

"Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Baldrick."

i.dailymail.co.uk
 
2014-02-12 03:21:50 PM
You peasant swain! You whoreson malt-horse drudge!
 
2014-02-12 03:23:08 PM

cgraves67: asquian: iron de havilland: asquian: iron de havilland: You fight like a dairy farmer.

That's funny, you fight like a cow.

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose!

My last fight ended with my hands covered in blood!


I'm shaking, I'm shaking.
 
2014-02-12 03:23:32 PM

abmoraz: Mell of a Hess: I cannot remember who recorded this, but the first time I heard it I busted a gut laughing. Feel free to help find. It's a classic.

It is either recorded by, or a rip-off of, John "Dr. Dirty" Valby


Valby.
 
2014-02-12 03:25:05 PM

Fissile: My Balkan grandfather, "I fark your god."



I AM a son of Hades!!  I fark Concord in her ASS!!1!!#%

images.tvrage.com
 
2014-02-12 03:29:11 PM
Gee... where is Eric Idle going on holiday when you need him...
 
2014-02-12 03:30:39 PM
Stolen from best of craigslist

Worlds longest insult
--------------------------------------------------------------------- - --
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour !@#$ out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral[size] equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient
in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted
fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.
You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond
the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right".
Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
P.S.:
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb,
evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
(yes, I'm done now)
 
2014-02-12 03:32:37 PM
A collection here  Link
 
2014-02-12 03:37:23 PM

asquian: minority-purging, syphilitic Confederate poltergeists with erectile dysfunction...


That's going to get used a lot
 
2014-02-12 03:40:08 PM
My dad once told someone to "Go piss up a rope".

Not sure what it meant but I always remembered it.
 
2014-02-12 03:41:38 PM
"Do you really image, even in your wildest dreams, that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging, brilliantine, stick-insect like you?"

Too obscure?
 
2014-02-12 03:49:33 PM
May your anus develop taste buds.
 
2014-02-12 03:49:35 PM
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you again!
 
2014-02-12 03:50:23 PM
Mewling quim
 
2014-02-12 03:50:46 PM
"Why you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder."
 
2014-02-12 03:51:33 PM

Fissile: "Do you really image, even in your wildest dreams, that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging, brilliantine, stick-insect like you?"

Too obscure?


www.bbc.co.uk
/he's from barcelona
 
2014-02-12 03:51:43 PM
"Idol of idiot-worshippers."
 
2014-02-12 03:53:19 PM
My favorite is a wordless Persian insult.

After someone makes a joke that completely bombs or is not in the least bit humorous those hearing the failed gag mime spitting in their hand and raising it.

The idea that you are trying to be tickled by something.
 
2014-02-12 03:54:25 PM
Snot lickin' doggie fart.

/Probably not obscure.
 
2014-02-12 03:54:52 PM
No Princess Bride references?  Inconceivable!

cinemagogue.com

Warthog faced buffoon
 
2014-02-12 03:56:07 PM

iron de havilland: cgraves67: asquian: iron de havilland: asquian: iron de havilland: You fight like a dairy farmer.

That's funny, you fight like a cow.

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose!

My last fight ended with my hands covered in blood!

I'm shaking, I'm shaking.


I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!
 
2014-02-12 03:56:20 PM
Go with Shakespeare:

A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a
base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited,
hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a
lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson,
glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue;
one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a
bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but
the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar,
and the son and heir of a mongrel biatch: one whom I
will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest
the least syllable of thy addition.
 
2014-02-12 03:56:36 PM
Backbitin' syndicator - JLH

You dirty little snotsucker - based on an old Dan Savage column. Yes, a kinked fetish. Loved that one, used it for a year or so. Explaining afterwards for the gleeful 'ewwwwws" of course.

/hey baby, you got allergies?
//flu season bonanza!
 
2014-02-12 03:59:05 PM

Smeggy Smurf: Shut up you bloody nerf herder


www.everyjoe.com
 
2014-02-12 03:59:34 PM

Rixel: May your anus develop taste buds.


Oh my.
 
2014-02-12 04:00:15 PM
Is listening...

img.fark.net
 
2014-02-12 04:04:17 PM

asquian: iron de havilland: You fight like a dairy farmer.

That's funny, you fight like a cow.


I ain't fightin' no ninja cow!

i1.ytimg.com
 
2014-02-12 04:04:47 PM
Saracen pig!
Spartan dog!
Take this! And this! Roman cow!
Russian snake!
Spanish fly!
Talk, Anglo-Saxon hun!
Turkish Taffy!
www.dvdtalk.com
/two wongs don't make a wight
 
2014-02-12 04:05:39 PM
"What would a woman that fine want with a fat, nasty, greasy, FAT, stank, bloated, cheesy-backed, twelve-sandwich-eating bastard like him?"
 
2014-02-12 04:07:08 PM
Your mother sucks farts from the asses of dead seagulls, behind an abandoned bubblegum factory.
 
2014-02-12 04:07:19 PM

blatz514: Smeggy Smurf: Shut up you bloody nerf herder

[www.everyjoe.com image 500x249]


I will not be told off by an infected boil on the Dark One's taint
 
2014-02-12 04:11:46 PM
Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker has some great insults in The Thick of It:
http://dave.uktv.co.uk/thick-it/article/malcolm-tuckers-10-best-apoc a l yinsults-thick-it/ including my favorites:

He's as useless as a marzipan dildo.

I will tear your farking skin off. I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whilstling Bohemian farking Rhapsody. Right?
 
2014-02-12 04:18:46 PM

KumquatMay: Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker has some great insults in The Thick of It:
http://dave.uktv.co.uk/thick-it/article/malcolm-tuckers-10-best-apoc a l yinsults-thick-it/ including my favorites:

He's as useless as a marzipan dildo.

I will tear your farking skin off. I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whilstling Bohemian farking Rhapsody. Right?


From the movie Dodgeball: O'Houlihan: Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!

www.moviemango.com
 
2014-02-12 04:19:37 PM
alvinruby.files.wordpress.com

Lame /obscure reference attempt foiled by lack of images online of Alvin Ho's father.
 
2014-02-12 04:20:08 PM

brap: My favorite is a wordless Persian insult.

After someone makes a joke that completely bombs or is not in the least bit humorous those hearing the failed gag mime spitting in their hand and raising it.

The idea that you are trying to be tickled by something.


I like that.
 
2014-02-12 04:23:02 PM
sadtrombone.wav
 
2014-02-12 04:25:29 PM

uncleacid: May a diseased cow blow brown bubbles in your bath water - Carson.


May a thousand syphilitic camels puke in your couscous - (dammit, can't remember)
 
2014-02-12 04:28:45 PM
I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you.

- Silky Johnson
 
2014-02-12 04:32:43 PM

ga362: Stolen from best of craigslist

Worlds longest insult
--------------------------------------------------------------------- - --
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour !@#$ out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you...


But enough about your mother.
 
2014-02-12 04:36:12 PM
You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece
If I was as ugly as you I'd be a poster boy for prophylactics

For our military pukes:
You're dumber than an LT with a compass
 
2014-02-12 04:37:36 PM
So you want to play the Dozens?

Well, the Dozens is a game.

blog.oregonlive.com
 
2014-02-12 04:44:36 PM
From Quebec:  "Go jerk yourself off with a handful of rusty nails." (Va te crosser avec une poignée de clous rouillés)--or a handful of any other sharp objects.

From the Netherlands:  "You cholera patient!"  (Klerelijer)  This is pretty strong language, actually.  Other diseases can be substituted.

The writer of the article also missed the somewhat more colorful (in every sense of the term) Jamaican "blood clot," which refers to absorbing items used by women for several days every month.  Never call a Jamaican this.

The Yiddish curse is not grammatical.  Should be:  "Zolst lign in der erd un bakn beygl."  Semantically, it is the equivalent of "Go to hell," although a wee bit milder.
 
2014-02-12 04:47:08 PM
....cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shiat....
 
2014-02-12 04:47:16 PM
unimpressed
www.blogbusters.ch
 
2014-02-12 04:53:32 PM
My favorite is a Bosnian one from the 1990s:

"I hope your house gets shown on CNN!"
 
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