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(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: How do I tell my son he's a literal bastard?"   ( divider line
    More: Silly, Berklee College of Music, sex steroid  
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14488 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Feb 2014 at 9:46 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-02-06 09:04:36 AM  
11 votes:
Just hire someone to kill the biological father.  I don't understand why people who write to Prudie make things so complicated.
2014-02-06 08:00:56 AM  
8 votes:
"Well son, it started off with me being a lying whore..."
2014-02-06 07:56:24 AM  
8 votes:
Wait till he's got the flu. That way, you can call him literally one sick bastard...
2014-02-06 10:36:00 AM  
7 votes:
quickmeme.comView Full Size
2014-02-06 08:08:22 AM  
6 votes:
I thought the headline said 'liberal' bastard... which made this a weird because this stupid lying whore shouldn't be criticizing anyone's choices.
2014-02-06 11:22:15 AM  
4 votes:
A graphic might help answer some questions.
d2tq98mqfjyz2l.cloudfront.netView Full Size
2014-02-06 09:57:57 AM  
3 votes:
Dear Son,

Apparently I suck at being a parent. Which is pretty hard to do, seeing as how I raised a millennial and you should not be some weird 1850's time traveler who is unaware of the fact that marriage is no longer required to have kids. So, yes, you were born out of wedlock with another man I boinked for a free dinner once in a while. Happy Birthday.

Bad Mother.
2014-02-06 09:33:11 AM  
3 votes:
From the headline I thought the question would be about a kid being too literal, not about a bastard.
2014-02-06 07:55:12 AM  
3 votes:
"Son, you're a bastard."
2014-02-06 10:59:41 AM  
2 votes:
Also, Fb- is the father
2014-02-06 10:40:27 AM  
2 votes:
Could be an idea for a new CBS comedy: "The Whore and the MF'ing Bastard"

Mom: "Son, I'm a nympho slag bag of STD's." (Canned laughter)

Son: "I know, mom, but, can you be a little more selective.  Do you have to do farking hobos, too?" (Canned laughter)

Mom: "OK, I'll try to be better.  You know honey, you're looking really hot, this morning." (Canned laughter)

Son: "Oh, mom!  OK, I guess." (Canned laughter)

Cleaning Lady: "You two make me want to puke!" (Canned laughter)
2014-02-06 10:13:16 AM  
2 votes:

MasterThief: Son, you'll never be King. Or receive an inheritance. Or be respected by society.

[ image 300x450]

Says you.

gifatron.comView Full Size
2014-02-06 10:09:15 AM  
2 votes:
If you're the father, you can also put a positive spin on it.

You know that annoying hereditary disease I have? Well, good news! There's absolutely no way you inherited it!
2014-02-06 09:58:27 AM  
2 votes:
Two words: Maury Povitch.
That is all.  He'll get the picture soon enough.
2014-02-06 09:53:55 AM  
2 votes:

baconbeard: Son, you'll never be King. Or receive an inheritance. Or be respected by society.

William the Conqueror was illegitimate.
So if this kid can scrape together an army and take over another country, he has an outside change of being king.
2014-02-06 09:52:58 AM  
2 votes:
Son, you'll never be King. Or receive an inheritance. Or be respected by society.

images.wikia.comView Full Size

Says you.
2014-02-06 09:51:19 AM  
2 votes:
Hey, what's going on in this thread?

upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size
2014-02-06 09:50:54 AM  
2 votes:
Just play him the first verse of Pearl Jam's "Alive."
2014-02-06 09:06:43 AM  
2 votes:
Son after nearly a quarter of a century and now having no legal fiscal responsibility for you, your biological father wants to take you out for coffee.

Feel free to stab him in the eye with a spork.
2014-02-06 08:50:28 AM  
2 votes:

vudukungfu: gopher321: "Well son, it started off with me being a lying whore..."

Pretty much this.
Mommy's a slut.
Poppa was a rollin' stone.

Mick Jagger is the father?
2014-02-06 08:14:45 AM  
2 votes:
"Hey son, we are gonna get a pay out as soon as I sue your real dad for all that back child support he never paid. You get half."
2014-02-06 08:08:35 AM  
2 votes:
Just wait until you have to explain the word "cuckold."
2014-02-06 01:48:53 PM  
1 vote:
076dd0a50e0c1255009e-bd4b8aabaca29897bc751dfaf75b290c.r40.cf1.rackcdn.comView Full Size

You have none of me in you. You're just a bastard from a basket.
/Bastard from a basket. BASTARD FROM A BASKET!
2014-02-06 12:46:38 PM  
1 vote:
Oh, and for you other bastards out there, I thought now would be the time to had out this...

img.fark.netView Full Size
2014-02-06 12:31:25 PM  
1 vote:

KellyX: Start calling him Jon Snow until he catches on...

Winter came 20 years ago?
2014-02-06 11:58:14 AM  
1 vote:

RevMark: I'd rather be a bastard than a cheating whore, like his mother.

p.twimg.comView Full Size
2014-02-06 11:55:58 AM  
1 vote:
sophrosyne.radical.r30.netView Full Size
2014-02-06 11:50:50 AM  
1 vote:
Well, you could write a book ...

img.fark.netView Full Size
2014-02-06 11:42:59 AM  
1 vote:
How about this "Your mom is a farking skank whore."
2014-02-06 11:31:01 AM  
1 vote:
Start calling him Jon Snow until he catches on...
2014-02-06 11:29:08 AM  
1 vote:

netweavr: So the mom used the bio-dad to force her ex-husband to return, then spurred the bio-dad's attempts to be a father for 20 years?

Now she's acting all upset because bio-dad is still trying?

Yea, I know! -- the biological father really is an asshole.
2014-02-06 11:17:15 AM  
1 vote:
Ain't no bastard
like a literal bastard
cuz a literal bastard
is well-read.
2014-02-06 11:15:51 AM  
1 vote:
cdn3.whatculture.comView Full Size
2014-02-06 11:05:59 AM  
1 vote:
Whoa, everybody slow down. Calling this woman a "whore" is mysogynistic bullshiat. Just because...

*reads article*

Oh. Nevermind. Carry on.
2014-02-06 10:59:46 AM  
1 vote:
"Son," she said, "have I got a little story for you...

What you thought was your daddy was nothin' but a...
2014-02-06 10:46:04 AM  
1 vote:
img.fark.netView Full Size
2014-02-06 10:44:27 AM  
1 vote:
"Everyone who is not a bastard please step forward"

"Not so fast son"
2014-02-06 10:43:59 AM  
1 vote:
"Raise your hand if you're NOT a bastard......Not so fast, Little Johnny..."
2014-02-06 10:41:43 AM  
1 vote:
s3.amazonaws.comView Full Size

You farking bastage!

2014-02-06 10:37:08 AM  
1 vote:
Dear Desperate,

Your husband is an idiot and should have taken the opportunity to get out when he had the chance instead of raising your bastard child who is a daily reminder that you basically slapped him in the face with another man's dick. Just be honest with your kid and tell him that his biological father is a home-wrecking deadbeat who banged your brains out and then skipped town when he found out your birth control failed, and the man who raised him isn't really a man at all but a pathetic husk of a man who is willing to take sloppy seconds from his own wife. I'm sure it will all work out.

2014-02-06 10:31:14 AM  
1 vote:

a_feral_duck: The guy who knocks the slut up and runs away, only to come back after the kid is grown and all the hard work of raising a kid is over expecting to be a part of the kid's life is a selfish asshole.

upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size

Darwin says: don't hate the player, hate the game.
2014-02-06 10:31:02 AM  
1 vote:
Wait for Father's Day.  Then say, "Nope - guess again!!"
2014-02-06 10:14:00 AM  
1 vote:
Well, he's always welcome on the wall. No bastard was ever refused a seat there.
2014-02-06 10:13:10 AM  
1 vote:
images3.wikia.nocookie.netView Full Size
2014-02-06 10:07:28 AM  
1 vote:

Wait till he's got the flu. That way, you can call him literally one sick bastard...

Wait until he's got the flu and laying in bed so you can call him a sick, lying bastard.
2014-02-06 10:05:04 AM  
1 vote:
I thought this was a photoshop contest. I would guess a hallmark card.
2014-02-06 10:01:59 AM  
1 vote:

1derful: A selfish woman gets knocked up by a man, and convinces a lesser man to raise someone else's offspring

Fark you, dude.

The man who raised someone else's child for twenty years is clearly a greater man than the dude who creampied someone else's wife and then disappeared.
2014-02-06 10:01:49 AM  
1 vote:
I skimmed that whole article for a letter about some parents who were disappointed in their liberal son, before I reread the Fark headline.
2014-02-06 09:51:23 AM  
1 vote:
Call Maury.
2014-02-06 09:50:31 AM  
1 vote:

Lsherm: Maybe if she really stressed how much of a slut she was, it might lessen the sting.

Sluts use birth control. It's the one-off, non-slutty girls that forget.

2014-02-06 09:21:32 AM  
1 vote:
Maybe if she really stressed how much of a slut she was, it might lessen the sting.
2014-02-06 09:07:13 AM  
1 vote:
They should wash that game of thrones episode with him where they kill all the bastards then say 'son we have good news and bad news! The good news is you don't live in medieval times!'
2014-02-06 08:44:31 AM  
1 vote:

gopher321: "Well son, it started off with me being a lying whore..."

Pretty much this.
Mommy's a slut.
Poppa was a rollin' stone.
2014-02-06 08:07:09 AM  
1 vote:
Pro-tip for mothers:  Don't call your male child a "son of a biatch".
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