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(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: How do I tell my son he's a literal bastard?"   (slate.com) divider line 258
    More: Silly, Berklee College of Music, sex steroid  
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14385 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Feb 2014 at 9:46 AM (32 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



258 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-02-06 07:55:12 AM
"Son, you're a bastard."
 
2014-02-06 07:56:24 AM
Wait till he's got the flu. That way, you can call him literally one sick bastard...
 
2014-02-06 08:00:56 AM
"Well son, it started off with me being a lying whore..."
 
2014-02-06 08:07:09 AM
Pro-tip for mothers:  Don't call your male child a "son of a biatch".
 
2014-02-06 08:08:22 AM
I thought the headline said 'liberal' bastard... which made this a weird because this stupid lying whore shouldn't be criticizing anyone's choices.
 
2014-02-06 08:08:35 AM
Just wait until you have to explain the word "cuckold."
 
2014-02-06 08:09:10 AM
Advice column fan-fic, awesome!
 
2014-02-06 08:14:45 AM
"Hey son, we are gonna get a pay out as soon as I sue your real dad for all that back child support he never paid. You get half."
 
2014-02-06 08:32:38 AM
Biology is just how we formed as babbys.  Your parents are the ones who loved and raised you.  End of story.
 
2014-02-06 08:44:31 AM

gopher321: "Well son, it started off with me being a lying whore..."


Pretty much this.
Mommy's a slut.
Poppa was a rollin' stone.
 
2014-02-06 08:50:28 AM

vudukungfu: gopher321: "Well son, it started off with me being a lying whore..."

Pretty much this.
Mommy's a slut.
Poppa was a rollin' stone.


Mick Jagger is the father?
 
2014-02-06 09:04:36 AM
Just hire someone to kill the biological father.  I don't understand why people who write to Prudie make things so complicated.
 
2014-02-06 09:06:43 AM
Son after nearly a quarter of a century and now having no legal fiscal responsibility for you, your biological father wants to take you out for coffee.

Feel free to stab him in the eye with a spork.
 
2014-02-06 09:07:13 AM
They should wash that game of thrones episode with him where they kill all the bastards then say 'son we have good news and bad news! The good news is you don't live in medieval times!'
 
2014-02-06 09:21:32 AM
Maybe if she really stressed how much of a slut she was, it might lessen the sting.
 
2014-02-06 09:33:11 AM
From the headline I thought the question would be about a kid being too literal, not about a bastard.
 
2014-02-06 09:47:34 AM
Son, you'll never be King. Or receive an inheritance. Or be respected by society.
 
2014-02-06 09:50:31 AM

Lsherm: Maybe if she really stressed how much of a slut she was, it might lessen the sting.


Sluts use birth control. It's the one-off, non-slutty girls that forget.

/sluts
 
2014-02-06 09:50:54 AM
Just play him the first verse of Pearl Jam's "Alive."
 
2014-02-06 09:50:55 AM
Grim times for mommy's little lust fueled snowflake

img.fark.net
 
2014-02-06 09:51:19 AM
Hey, what's going on in this thread?

upload.wikimedia.org
 
2014-02-06 09:51:23 AM
Call Maury.
 
2014-02-06 09:52:09 AM
Gotta let a ho be a ho.
 
2014-02-06 09:52:58 AM
Son, you'll never be King. Or receive an inheritance. Or be respected by society.

images.wikia.com

Says you.
 
2014-02-06 09:53:55 AM

baconbeard: Son, you'll never be King. Or receive an inheritance. Or be respected by society.



William the Conqueror was illegitimate.
So if this kid can scrape together an army and take over another country, he has an outside change of being king.
 
2014-02-06 09:54:31 AM
This second letter's lots more interesting. Let's comment on that:

Dear Prudence,

I am a teacher at a small community college. I strongly suspect that one of my new students this semester is a trans woman. My problem is that I'm a voice teacher. If I'm right, her larynx has been affected by testosterone, and is functionally male. Even if she's taking female hormones, the voice changes that puberty brings are permanent. For example, she will be reaching her high notes in falsetto, which requires slightly different technique from that used by a cis woman singing in head voice. But even using the word "falsetto" to describe her high notes seems insulting to me, with its implication that she's using a "false" voice. I can't think of a good way to initiate a conversation about this, but avoiding the issue may compromise how much I can help her sing better. Can I go to my supervisor for advice without violating her privacy? And, dear God, what if I'm wrong?
-Finding Her Voice
 
2014-02-06 09:57:02 AM
A selfish woman gets knocked up by a man, and convinces a lesser man to raise someone else's offspring, and lies to the kid about it, and she's concerned about that kid having his biological father in his life?

It sounds like the bio father is the least repugnant character in this whole situation.
 
2014-02-06 09:57:57 AM
Dear Son,

Apparently I suck at being a parent. Which is pretty hard to do, seeing as how I raised a millennial and you should not be some weird 1850's time traveler who is unaware of the fact that marriage is no longer required to have kids. So, yes, you were born out of wedlock with another man I boinked for a free dinner once in a while. Happy Birthday.

Love,
Bad Mother.
 
2014-02-06 09:58:12 AM
Mom needs to tell her son for medical reasons. They've been providing her son the wrong family history information for 20 years.

Knowing the actual family history could end up saving his life (unlikely, but possible), but even the non-life-threatening information might be helpful. "Hey, did you know that your uncle and grandpa have this mild intolerance for food X? Or get weird hives when given drug Y?"
 
2014-02-06 09:58:27 AM
Two words: Maury Povitch.
That is all.  He'll get the picture soon enough.
 
2014-02-06 09:58:39 AM
Metaphorically.
 
2014-02-06 09:59:47 AM

markfara: This second letter's lots more interesting. Let's comment on that:

Dear Prudence,

I am a teacher at a small community college. I strongly suspect that one of my new students this semester is a trans woman. My problem is that I'm a voice teacher. If I'm right, her larynx has been affected by testosterone, and is functionally male. Even if she's taking female hormones, the voice changes that puberty brings are permanent. For example, she will be reaching her high notes in falsetto, which requires slightly different technique from that used by a cis woman singing in head voice. But even using the word "falsetto" to describe her high notes seems insulting to me, with its implication that she's using a "false" voice. I can't think of a good way to initiate a conversation about this, but avoiding the issue may compromise how much I can help her sing better. Can I go to my supervisor for advice without violating her privacy? And, dear God, what if I'm wrong?
-Finding Her Voice


Someone should tell her to go to tumblr or reddit. And save the threads for historical reference.

/check yo privilege
 
2014-02-06 10:00:44 AM

xanadian: vudukungfu: gopher321: "Well son, it started off with me being a lying whore..."

Pretty much this.
Mommy's a slut.
Poppa was a rollin' stone.

Mick Jagger is the father?


Could be, he seems to have been a worldwide daddy to many.
 
2014-02-06 10:01:49 AM
I skimmed that whole article for a letter about some parents who were disappointed in their liberal son, before I reread the Fark headline.
 
2014-02-06 10:01:59 AM

1derful: A selfish woman gets knocked up by a man, and convinces a lesser man to raise someone else's offspring


Fark you, dude.

The man who raised someone else's child for twenty years is clearly a greater man than the dude who creampied someone else's wife and then disappeared.
 
2014-02-06 10:02:05 AM

kbronsito: I thought the headline said 'liberal' bastard... which made this a weird because this stupid lying whore shouldn't be criticizing anyone's choices.


Seconded....
 
2014-02-06 10:02:53 AM
It's always amazed me how the child gets ostracized for being in this situation, despite bearing zero percent responsiblity for it.

/Adopted
//Probably a bastard
 
2014-02-06 10:03:47 AM

eyeq360: Two words: Maury Povitch.
That is all.  He'll get the picture soon enough.


Fark Maury Povitch!  We want Jerry Springer and the kid gets to throw the first chair!
 
2014-02-06 10:05:04 AM
I thought this was a photoshop contest. I would guess a hallmark card.
 
2014-02-06 10:05:45 AM

poot_rootbeer: 1derful: A selfish woman gets knocked up by a man, and convinces a lesser man to raise someone else's offspring

Fark you, dude.

The man who raised someone else's child for twenty years is clearly a greater man than the dude who creampied someone else's wife and then disappeared.


Seconded. One 'dad' passed on the genetics he got from his parents, the real dad passed on everything else.
 
2014-02-06 10:05:54 AM

bighairyguy: It's always amazed me how the child gets ostracized for being in this situation, despite bearing zero percent responsiblity for it.

/Adopted
//Probably a bastard


It's called "bigotry": See also "black kids", "gay kids", etc.

/Not adopted
//Mom shanghaied the most likely candidate into marrying her/claiming me
///Then made damn sure I never got the chance to meet him and find out for sure
 
2014-02-06 10:05:59 AM
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSewah6bqRJ6lyWqb oNS6iClPYjUA4HGuNbJjvDn0yMtxMpaJHB">https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.co m/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSewah6bqRJ6lyWqb oNS6iClPYjUA4HGuNbJjvDn0yMtxMpaJHB

"You may not have my name, but you have my blood."
Always classy.
 
2014-02-06 10:06:03 AM
I don't get this - who gets back together with a spouse that had an affair and got preggers?  Or if it was a man - got someone preggers?

Seems to me there's somewhere in there where most people would say "Nope!  I'm done!"
 
2014-02-06 10:07:23 AM
Put positive spin on it.

Tell him:

Son, you know that man you think is your father? Well, it turns out the idiot is totally unrelated to you.
 
2014-02-06 10:07:26 AM
Dear slut,

Your son probably doesn't want to know that you are a whore.  Also, your husband is either the most forgiving or most pathetic I've ever heard of.

-Prudie
 
2014-02-06 10:07:28 AM
Candygram4Mongo

Wait till he's got the flu. That way, you can call him literally one sick bastard...

Wait until he's got the flu and laying in bed so you can call him a sick, lying bastard.
 
2014-02-06 10:07:57 AM

poot_rootbeer: 1derful: A selfish woman gets knocked up by a man, and convinces a lesser man to raise someone else's offspring

Fark you, dude.

The man who raised someone else's child for twenty years is clearly a greater man than the dude who creampied someone else's wife and then disappeared.


I don't think the man who raised him is a lesser man. First, the guy had no idea and second what you said. However, biatch knew and lied. I don't blame the 2nd guy (bio dad) for fading- she shoved him out of her life. I also don't blame him for being curious and wanting to know/meet/etc.
 
2014-02-06 10:09:15 AM
If you're the father, you can also put a positive spin on it.

You know that annoying hereditary disease I have? Well, good news! There's absolutely no way you inherited it!
 
2014-02-06 10:09:19 AM
What the bastard's Fark name?
 
2014-02-06 10:09:59 AM
FTA:  Dear Desperate, I wish that when your son was a little boy you and your husband had explained his unconventional paternity.

WHAT?  WTH would you put this on a little child?  Why did he need to know this as a little boy?  Stupid.  I did tell my two adopted children where they came from, but that is because they are half-Hispanic and look very different from my two natural born alabaster skinned red-heads.  They WERE going to find out and so we made sure they understood from early on.  But in this situation?  I would NEVER have told the boy as a little tyke.
 
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