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(Sun Sentinel)   Man decides the best solution to curb complaints about his constant masturbation is to start a fire   (sun-sentinel.com) divider line 80
    More: Florida, complaints, Hillsborough County Jail, flammable liquids  
•       •       •

4379 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Feb 2014 at 4:55 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



80 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-02-05 08:45:16 PM  
Gahhhh! A little warning would have been nice...
 
2014-02-05 08:47:31 PM  
gobbledygeekbtr.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-02-05 08:55:14 PM  

Tellingthem: Gahhhh! A little warning would have been nice...


No shiat! Someone used real-life Photoshop on that dude!

/ Kai's Power Goo FTW?
 
2014-02-05 09:05:48 PM  
friction burns
 
2014-02-05 09:22:37 PM  
I think this guy has... issues

/and more than one kind
 
2014-02-05 09:25:26 PM  
He didn't start the fire.  It was always burning while his hand was churning.
 
2014-02-05 09:31:27 PM  
Came for Arseface.
 
2014-02-05 09:33:23 PM  
... in his pants!!!
 
2014-02-05 09:35:24 PM  
How sour was that lemonade?
 
2014-02-05 09:35:53 PM  
I always thought you had to rub TWO sticks together to do that.

<i>Haskins, who's disfigured from when he shot himself in the face ... </i>

This guy really has trouble with where he shoots.
 
2014-02-05 09:38:34 PM  
If I looked like that, I'd masturbate in front of a window, too.  It's probably the only way he can pretend someone will ever love him.
 
2014-02-05 09:40:46 PM  

farkingismybusiness: [gobbledygeekbtr.files.wordpress.com image 631x236]


Beat me to it :)

/the greatest story ever told...
 
2014-02-05 09:43:39 PM  

Primitive Screwhead: farkingismybusiness: [gobbledygeekbtr.files.wordpress.com image 631x236]

Beat me to it :)

/the greatest story ever told...


share?
 
2014-02-05 09:52:57 PM  

ekdikeo4: Primitive Screwhead: farkingismybusiness: [gobbledygeekbtr.files.wordpress.com image 631x236]

Beat me to it :)

/the greatest story ever told...

share?


Preacher
It's not for everybody but I'll never read a better comic nor story that grabbed me by the cojones from the first to last page.
 
2014-02-05 10:29:49 PM  
upload.wikimedia.org
 
2014-02-05 10:47:15 PM  

Solid State Vittles: He didn't start the fire.  It was always burning while his hand was churning.


data1.whicdn.com
 
2014-02-05 10:56:32 PM  
Done in two.
 
2014-02-05 11:15:46 PM  
Give butt-face a permanent place to jerk off. A small room with heat and hot water and an internet connection and leave him alone.

It's the only thing keeping him from killing himself.
 
2014-02-05 11:39:46 PM  

jaylectricity: Give butt-face a permanent place to jerk off. A small room with heat and hot water and an internet connection and leave him alone.

It's the only thing keeping him from killing himself.


I kinda get the feeling we passed that point at least once

/maybe not with great results
 
2014-02-05 11:58:51 PM  
Jesus, that poor bastard. Can you imagine going thru life looking like that?
 
2014-02-06 12:46:39 AM  
i.imgur.com


Are you employed, Mr. Assface? Surely you don't go out  looking for a job dressed like that, do you?"
 
2014-02-06 05:06:10 AM  
I clicked on the article expecting Matthew McConaughey's mugshot and left with a big sad.
 
2014-02-06 05:07:26 AM  

Solid State Vittles: He didn't start the fire.  It was always burning while his hand was churning.


Look me up, when you get to hell. I've been invited to the Captain's table, and I'd be honored if you'd be my guest.
 
2014-02-06 05:07:46 AM  

fusillade762: Came for Arseface.


Gross.
 
2014-02-06 05:09:26 AM  

Primitive Screwhead: ekdikeo4: Primitive Screwhead: farkingismybusiness: [gobbledygeekbtr.files.wordpress.com image 631x236]

Beat me to it :)

/the greatest story ever told...

share?

Preacher
It's not for everybody but I'll never read a better comic nor story that grabbed me by the cojones from the first to last page.


This ^
 
2014-02-06 05:10:13 AM  

ekdikeo4: Primitive Screwhead: farkingismybusiness: [gobbledygeekbtr.files.wordpress.com image 631x236]

Beat me to it :)

/the greatest story ever told...

share?


It's a fantastic series. If you want it, I can email you the entirety.
 
2014-02-06 05:20:00 AM  
www.trbimg.com
is he from whoville?
 
2014-02-06 05:23:00 AM  
If I looked like that I'd wear a Bane mask at all times. And do the voice. Actually that doesn't sound too bad, as long as I can masturbate or in the alternative start fires.

Have we started the fire?
Yes, the fire rises.
 
2014-02-06 05:24:05 AM  
If he smokes afterwards, he's trying too hard.
 
2014-02-06 05:29:51 AM  
I don't normally recommend this, but maybe this guy should give it another shot. In the face.
 
2014-02-06 05:30:39 AM  

John Buck 41: Jesus, that poor bastard. Can you imagine going thru life looking like that?


Shot himself in the face. My sympathy is limited.
 
2014-02-06 05:30:41 AM  
Its pretty safe to assume that with a face like that, he won't be earning any top shelf toilet merlot.
 
2014-02-06 05:32:12 AM  
static2.wikia.nocookie.net
Hell, if I was disfigured like him, I would probably be a (more of a) chronic masturbator myself. He's already living a self-imposed life sentence for this actions.
 
2014-02-06 05:34:47 AM  
*clicks on link*

i.chzbgr.com
 
2014-02-06 05:35:55 AM  
Just a pyromaniac....
What do you want, what do you need?

/I want rock'n'roll, yes I do
//long live rock'n'roll
 
2014-02-06 05:47:58 AM  

Prophet of Loss: Hell, if I was disfigured like him, I would probably be a (more of a) chronic masturbator myself. He's already living a self-imposed life sentence for this actions.


No offense, but this guy obviously had problems before. Now he's a menace. He really should just finish the job. Otherwise he's just gonna freak out kids and be miserable anyway.
 
2014-02-06 05:51:12 AM  
i1.ytimg.com
 
2014-02-06 06:07:45 AM  
Let's see, shot himself in face, masturbates in inappropriate places, starts fires, this guy is the perfect example of someone who needs to be sent someplace that can keep himself and others safe from himself.  Just so long as the Catholic church isn't running the place, everything should be fine.
 
2014-02-06 06:22:09 AM  
If I had written that article, I would've omitted the paragraph explaining his disfigurement. Just leave the readers with nice tall cup of WTF?! for the day.

/that fella's got a face like an arse
 
2014-02-06 06:30:00 AM  

jaylectricity: Give butt-face a permanent place to jerk off. A small room with heat and hot water and an internet connection and leave him alone.

It's the only thing keeping him from killing himself.


He has (had, he burned it down) a place. All they asked of him was to close the door and the curtains.
 
2014-02-06 06:33:46 AM  

Tellingthem: Gahhhh! A little warning would have been nice...


Oh, for fark's sake. It's not like they showed him before the reconstructive surgery.

/Precious snowflakes, the lot of you.
 
2014-02-06 06:50:07 AM  
lulzindustries.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-02-06 06:53:20 AM  
Hey, it's Trashcan Man.
 
2014-02-06 07:02:11 AM  
Well, it worked.
 
2014-02-06 07:17:32 AM  
This is what we get for closing all the old mental hospitals.  Now the insane are all over the place.
 
2014-02-06 07:27:22 AM  

Spaghettiows: This is what we get for closing all the old mental hospitals.  Now the insane are all over the place.


I hear he was due for a Section 8 though.  He was just waiting for the paperwork to clear Division.
 
2014-02-06 07:38:35 AM  
img.fark.netimages4.wikia.nocookie.net

You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.
 
2014-02-06 07:44:47 AM  
When your good at furiously rubbing sticks
 
GCD
2014-02-06 07:51:37 AM  
If it was a hot chick, there would be no problem with her masturbating wherever she damn well pleased.
 
2014-02-06 08:35:13 AM  

Jesus McSordid: John Buck 41: Jesus, that poor bastard. Can you imagine going thru life looking like that?

Shot himself in the face. My sympathy is limited.


Yeah, I know. But still...
 
2014-02-06 09:05:17 AM  
Well, don't they teach you in Boy Scouts that you create a fire by rubbing a stick or two?
 
2014-02-06 09:09:55 AM  

Spaghettiows: This is what we get for closing all the old mental hospitals.  Now the insane are all over the place.


Yeah, but it saved a few million bucks so we could give rich people tax breaks, so it's all good.
 
2014-02-06 09:11:21 AM  

RobSeace: [img.fark.net image 398x498][images4.wikia.nocookie.net image 290x406]

You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.


ever since watching the voice actor panel reading star wars, i can't read that quote without hearing paul lynde...
 
2014-02-06 09:11:21 AM  

RobSeace: [img.fark.net image 398x498][images4.wikia.nocookie.net image 290x406]

You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.


/thread
 
hej
2014-02-06 09:11:48 AM  

Some Coke Drinking Guy: Let's see, shot himself in face, masturbates in inappropriate places, starts fires, this guy is the perfect example of someone who needs to


... run for governor.
 
2014-02-06 09:15:12 AM  
Just sad.   Poor farker has more issues than National Geographic.

Guy probably need to be institutionalized somewhere where he can jerk it all day long without anybody hassling him about it.
 
2014-02-06 09:16:46 AM  
And this is why we need legalized prostitution. This guy has got to be pent up as hell.
 
2014-02-06 09:26:51 AM  

robohobo: ekdikeo4: Primitive Screwhead: farkingismybusiness: [gobbledygeekbtr.files.wordpress.com image 631x236]

Beat me to it :)

/the greatest story ever told...

share?

It's a fantastic series. If you want it, I can email you the entirety.


Not sure about him, but I'd love to have it!

/thanks in advance
//EIP
 
2014-02-06 09:29:44 AM  

some_beer_drinker: [www.trbimg.com image 398x498]
is he from whoville?


I don't know why, but your comment made me laugh out loud. Bravo.
 
2014-02-06 09:55:13 AM  
*clicks link*
Does he get credit for putting it out?

/Window seat. Scotch. Neat.
 
2014-02-06 10:00:14 AM  
We had a high school girl who tried to commit suicide with a shotgun after finding her boyfriend kissing someone else at a party.  She failed and she looks like this guy now.  It is quite disturbing to run into her at the grocery store.
 
2014-02-06 10:19:37 AM  

GanjSmokr: We had a high school girl who tried to commit suicide with a shotgun after finding her boyfriend kissing someone else at a party.  She failed and she looks like this guy now.  It is quite disturbing to run into her at the grocery store.


The level of fail that one has to achieve to not be able to kill oneself with a shotgun blast to the head is of epic proportions.
 
2014-02-06 10:29:37 AM  
img.fark.net
s2.quickmeme.com
 
2014-02-06 10:59:05 AM  

Some Coke Drinking Guy: Let's see, shot himself in face, masturbates in inappropriate places, starts fires, this guy is the perfect example of someone who needs to be sent someplace that can keep himself and others safe from himself.  Just so long as the Catholic church isn't running the place, everything should be fine.


This article really made you think of the Catholic Church when there were so many other sources of humor?

If the church is that close to the front of your mind I think you really want to stop in. I promise everyone will be nice when you do.
 
2014-02-06 11:16:46 AM  
img.fark.net        static2.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2014-02-06 12:16:45 PM  
2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-02-06 12:55:52 PM  
I really am freaked out by this dude... clearly he has SERIOUS mental health issues . I think he belongs locked up somewhere for his safety as well as the publics ...SWEET JEEBUS  he has a scary face ...
 
2014-02-06 01:04:17 PM  
To hell with telling young boys that beating off will make you blind and grow hair on your hands.

SHOW THEM THIS PICTURE
 
2014-02-06 02:13:38 PM  
Now we know why he masturbates.
 
2014-02-06 02:44:02 PM  
Sources say his face has NOT been pixellated to protect his identity..
 
2014-02-06 02:44:28 PM  
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
 
2014-02-06 03:16:05 PM  
I've always wondered.  What is the best way to kill yourself with a pistol?  Against the temple?  In the mouth pointing up?  In the mouth pointing back?  Under the chin?  Up the anus?

I'm not suicidal but it seems like it would be a good thing to know just in case I am in the terminal stages of some awful disease.

/This guy obviously did it the wrong way.
 
2014-02-06 03:32:14 PM  
Where did he stick the gun when he shot himself in the face?  Up his right nostril?
 
2014-02-06 04:15:35 PM  
only the Mormons can save him from his ungodly habit
 
2014-02-06 05:32:47 PM  

Fark Against the Machine: I've always wondered.  What is the best way to kill yourself with a pistol?  Against the temple?  In the mouth pointing up?  In the mouth pointing back?  Under the chin?  Up the anus?

I'm not suicidal but it seems like it would be a good thing to know just in case I am in the terminal stages of some awful disease.

/This guy obviously did it the wrong way.


When I was younger, our house was robbed by a guy who ate a gun in the mouth pointing up.  Ruined a lot of his face, but not as bad as this guy.  Also, a guy who held some hostages a while back around here had tried the temple, same failure.  My guess is that when you're shaking that bad and part of you doesn't want to, you might miss.  So anything where you can't back out at the last instant.
 
2014-02-06 07:49:36 PM  
i.chzbgr.com
 
2014-02-06 07:55:57 PM  
This also came to mind (odd that no one beat me to it):

www.finearttips.com

4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-02-06 08:19:32 PM  

kling_klang_bed: This also came to mind (odd that no one beat me to it):


I thought Full Metal Jacket was one of the funniest movies I've seen.
 
2014-02-07 12:23:25 AM  
Bitter beer face
 
2014-02-07 03:50:14 PM  
It wasn't him, it was his evil twin.
 
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