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(Kotaku)   There is a perfect way to hold a hamburger. Here comes the juicy, mouth-watering science   (kotaku.com) divider line 72
    More: Interesting, hamburgers, hydraulics, perfect  
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10410 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Feb 2014 at 1:16 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-31 09:52:11 PM  
When I was stationed in Hawaii, I had a roommate who would order Big Macs and eat them layer by layer. He would never touch the hamburger with his hands, using only his teeth to grasp each portion. He was unusual.
 
2014-01-31 09:55:07 PM  
i1182.photobucket.com
 
2014-02-01 01:20:11 AM  
I only eat hamburgers with silverware my family has had since the silver was stolen from those dirty savages.  And by savages I mean those damn dirty Irish
 
2014-02-01 01:26:08 AM  
I eat my food in chronological order. The sesame seeds, then the vegetable toppings, followed by the bun, then the meat, and finally the condiments.
 
2014-02-01 01:28:04 AM  
No, there's not a "perfect way" to hold a hamburger.

I'm not clicking that link and neither should anyone else.  As long as the food makes it to your mouth, you're fine.

/was once made fun of by my boss because I was using a fork to eat a burrito.
//worry about something that actually matters.
 
2014-02-01 01:28:32 AM  
I just put the fries and burger in the blender, add vodka and hit 'puree'.

The Hoff taught me that after he learned better from his bad experience with hamburgers.

i.imgur.com
 
2014-02-01 01:30:01 AM  
i1074.photobucket.com
 
2014-02-01 01:33:59 AM  
ftfa:..it might be difficult to hold the burger like this and eat fries at the same time.

well then its not the perfect way is it?  IS IT?!

four fingers on top, thumb on bottom, burger upside down, because Culvers puts the condiments on the bottom.  Right handed left thumbed, so burger goes in right, smart phone/paper/fries/drink/etc. go in left.
 
2014-02-01 01:34:20 AM  
Doesn't beat the "hunch", by Guy Fieri: Lean over and raise your elbows. You may look silly, but you don't get any drippings down your arms or your bulging stomach. I guess the asian burgers aren't as juicy as ours...
 
2014-02-01 01:34:46 AM  

UNAUTHORIZED FINGER: When I was stationed in Hawaii, I had a roommate who would order Big Macs and eat them layer by layer. He would never touch the hamburger with his hands, using only his teeth to grasp each portion. He was unusual.


yeah. that's weird.
Like eating two "all beef" patties "Special sauce" lettuce, "Cheese" onions on a sesame seed bun isn't weird.

In Hawaii.

That's about as psychotic as one can get.
Right off one's Poi.

Sick.
 
2014-02-01 01:38:01 AM  
My hands are HUGE. I can easily hold any tamed hamburger in one hand. The ones I can't are marvels of mess at Fuddruckers I tend to eat with knife and fork, and the fries get smothered and covered in a gloriously ugly fashion.
 
2014-02-01 01:40:04 AM  
Really? It took three researchers four months to discover what I figured out in about 10 seconds the first time I ate a half-pound burger that was falling apart all over the place?


I need to have my IQ tested, I must be a farking genius.
 
2014-02-01 01:46:40 AM  

Smeggy Smurf: I only eat hamburgers with silverware my family has had since the silver was stolen from those dirty savages.  And by savages I mean those damn dirty Irish


That set to this day is still amazing.
 
2014-02-01 01:46:51 AM  
If that was what you think is science I can understand why almost 50% of Americans believe God created humans in their current form some time in the last 10,000 years.
 
2014-02-01 01:49:17 AM  
This is relevant to my interests.
 
2014-02-01 01:50:13 AM  
Upside every time. For unknown reasons, the largest part of the bun, or load bearing bun, is place on the top.
 
2014-02-01 01:53:45 AM  

vudukungfu: UNAUTHORIZED FINGER: When I was stationed in Hawaii, I had a roommate who would order Big Macs and eat them layer by layer. He would never touch the hamburger with his hands, using only his teeth to grasp each portion. He was unusual.

yeah. that's weird.
Like eating two "all beef" patties "Special sauce" lettuce, "Cheese" onions on a sesame seed bun isn't weird.

In Hawaii.

That's about as psychotic as one can get.
Right off one's Poi.

Sick.


Yeah, he was a strange one. He was a Puerto Rican from Brooklyn. Funny as hell, but surreal. He used to keep car tires in his bed (seriously!), and that's just the tip of the iceberg. He'd brush his teeth with cake frosting in a tube, to bug my other (health freak) roommate. He'd eat a dozen Kit-Kats and a six-pack of Cokes for dinner. He was like a Dadaist mindfarker, who'd zig when the rest of the world was zagging. Sometimes I wonder if he's even still alive.
 
2014-02-01 01:54:27 AM  
www.my-walls.org
 
2014-02-01 01:55:48 AM  

phlegmmo: [www.my-walls.org image 850x531]


Damn it!.
 
2014-02-01 01:57:46 AM  
If only burger workers would stop setting up the fixings to one side or the other.  That's the biggest problem with holding a burger.  Invariably the sides are set off to the exact opposite side which you grab and go sloshing outward, or backward.  Also you have to spread the mayo/mustard/ketchup (whatever you prefer) ALL OVER the bun, not a 2 cm glop slightly to the left of middle.  Those things would make the burger much easier to handle and tastier, science be damned.
 
2014-02-01 02:10:15 AM  
I will hold my damn burger any way i wish.
 
2014-02-01 02:11:49 AM  
It only works if you have a dry  as$ burger. You can see in the videothat no burger juices even come out
 
2014-02-01 02:15:42 AM  
Lack of beer position in the article disappoints me.
 
2014-02-01 02:20:35 AM  
The only perfect way to hold a burger is between your teeth. This is quickly followed by chewing.
 
2014-02-01 02:22:51 AM  
The only thing that could possibly be impacted by whether you have one digit under the bun or two is whether the bun itself flops down without the support. Using your fingers to form a cage around bun won't stop the toppings from getting squished out by your teeth; you'll just get those messy toppings all over your fingers instead of falling cleanly back on the plate.
 
2014-02-01 02:25:39 AM  

whatshisname: If that was what you think is science I can understand why almost 50% of Americans believe God created humans in their current form some time in the last 10,000 years.


You know something, you're right. This isn't science.

It's engineering.

That's the difference between scientists and engineers. Engineer: see problem, solve problem. Scientist: solving the problem'll dry up my grant money, so not going to happen.
 
2014-02-01 02:26:35 AM  
i18.photobucket.com
 
2014-02-01 02:27:26 AM  
img.gawkerassets.com

This has GOT to be the GAYEST way to eat a burger, or anything for that matter.

Can't we let the Japanese invade just one country again so they can grow their collective balls back? I'm sure no one would mind if North Korea got hammered.
 
2014-02-01 02:29:36 AM  
I figure this out on my own years ago... didn't need Kotaku for it.

Besides condiments being lopsided though, the other problem is when the burger itself is so juicy it drips excessively...
 
2014-02-01 02:37:16 AM  

ilikeracecars: Upside every time. For unknown reasons, the largest part of the bun, or load bearing bun, is place on the top.


The larger part of the bun is on top because it looks better, but I eat mine upside-down too. We had sloppy joes more often than burgers at home when I was a kid, and it became a habit out of necessity.
 
2014-02-01 02:41:26 AM  
It says to eat the first before or after... stupid article.

Put the fries in the plate and eat normally, that way the juicy drippings drizzle on the fries.  THAT'S how you have a clean plate, and don't lose any delicious bits.
 
2014-02-01 02:41:47 AM  

cretinbob: [i1074.photobucket.com image 510x679]


My best friend eats hamburgers with a knife and fork! (She's not American.) The first time I saw her do it, I was speechless.

"You know it's a sandwich, right?" I asked her.

"I don't like to eat with my hands," came the response.
 
2014-02-01 02:42:18 AM  

Saberus Terras: It says to eat the fries first before or after... stupid article.

Put the fries in the plate and eat normally, that way the juicy drippings drizzle on the fries.  THAT'S how you have a clean plate, and don't lose any delicious bits.


FTFM
 
2014-02-01 02:42:29 AM  
i62.tinypic.com
Just pull the tab on the lid of the can and drink it right off the shelf like the drunken slob you are. I don't see what all the fuss is about.
 
2014-02-01 02:43:26 AM  
one way:
www.gossipcop.com
 
2014-02-01 02:51:20 AM  
I've never had a problem eating a burger without everything spilling out. Are everyone else's hands retarded?
 
2014-02-01 03:09:05 AM  

ilikeracecars: Upside every time. For unknown reasons, the largest part of the bun, or load bearing bun, is place on the top.


I know, right!? Look at this guy . . . eating it all upside down! Where's yer flavor now, Upside-down-Guy?


img.fark.net

The story about the prison cookies explains it all:

Guy's wife sends him "p*ssy cookies" while he's in prison. He tells everyone on his cell block they taste just like p*ssy -- and they are subsequently stolen. Later that night he hears someone down the tier yelling, "These things taste like shiat." He just laughed . . . they were eating them upside-down.
 
2014-02-01 03:19:55 AM  
I work in a fast food joint with a giant star on it so I'm getting a kick, etc.

Giant Star prides itself on messy burgers ("if it doesn't get all over the place..."), and over the years I've come up with the perfect solution to eating one of their quarter-pounders with errything on it:

Cut that farker in half (or ask the cook to do it for you).

That semicircle of sandwich fits in your mouth MUCH more easily than trying to cram one circle into another like some kind of delicious but doomed Venn diagram. If you're that worried about drippings, and don't have fries to drip them on, hold the half-a-sandwich with a napkin.

Your friends might call you a p*ssy but at least you'll be a clean one. Nobody likes a dirty p*ssy.
 
2014-02-01 03:40:40 AM  

Samalander: I work in a fast food joint with a giant star on it so I'm getting a kick, etc.

Giant Star prides itself on messy burgers ("if it doesn't get all over the place..."), and over the years I've come up with the perfect solution to eating one of their quarter-pounders with errything on it:

Cut that farker in half (or ask the cook to do it for you).

That semicircle of sandwich fits in your mouth MUCH more easily than trying to cram one circle into another like some kind of delicious but doomed Venn diagram. If you're that worried about drippings, and don't have fries to drip them on, hold the half-a-sandwich with a napkin.

Your friends might call you a p*ssy but at least you'll be a clean one. Nobody likes a dirty p*ssy.


word.
 
2014-02-01 04:10:59 AM  
Unless I can eat the whole thing using only my mouth, without looking uncouth, then there is no better way for me to hold it. Nice try Japan!
 
2014-02-01 04:21:30 AM  
Don't tell me how to eat, farknugget.
 
2014-02-01 04:55:26 AM  

adeist69: Really? It took three researchers four months to discover what I figured out in about 10 seconds the first time I ate a half-pound burger that was falling apart all over the place?


I need to have my IQ tested, I must be a farking genius.


This.

I've also got large hands, so it's one handed unless it's an especially large piece of food.  The method works for a lot of other foods, burrito's off the top of my head, pinky holds the other end shut. A lot of people do something similar when they hold a wide/thin piece of pizza to help it bent so it's less likely to fold down.

The whole 2 and 10 thing(4 and 8 in this particular case I suppose) is for small people(or normal sized people with small hands), uncoordinated people(hands stabilize eachother), and stupid people.(idle hands are the devil's plaything, ie it helps maintain focus).  Alternatively, I suppose, it also works for people with arthritis and deformities that will not allow them fine dexterity.(not quite fitting the above categories).

The one mistake the guy pictured in the article makes, because of his Lisa Simpson stumpy fingers, is that he's got his fingers close together.  Even a guy with hands his size could handle that burger well with one hand. Spidering the hand is essential, otherwise you still suffer the same problem as the thumb being the only point of pressure and have a higher potential for break through or causing a crease, it's about even distribution of the pressure that it takes to hold the burger or burrito.


Hoopy Frood: ilikeracecars: Upside every time. For unknown reasons, the largest part of the bun, or load bearing bun, is place on the top.

The larger part of the bun is on top because it looks better, but I eat mine upside-down too. We had sloppy joes more often than burgers at home when I was a kid, and it became a habit out of necessity.


Depends on the bun, but typically the top bun is softer and less dense, thereby not the "load bearing" that it's purported to be.  What it does do is conform better, where the fluffy part condenses easier than the crust, combined with the dome shape makes it the ideal side for condiments, it cups them, like a crying prostitute cupping your sack or caps them like a condom.

Whatever direction you choose to eat or slather mayo, I don't care.  But spreading of lies I do not condone.
 
2014-02-01 05:12:35 AM  
What became of that burger eating napkin or bib thing so that their women could enjoy a hamburger while maintaining the attractive "little mouth" or something like that?
 
2014-02-01 05:44:15 AM  

UNAUTHORIZED FINGER: When I was stationed in Hawaii, I had a roommate who would order Big Macs and eat them layer by layer. He would never touch the hamburger with his hands, using only his teeth to grasp each portion. He was unusual.


Jesus, I hate Japanese television.
 
2014-02-01 05:44:38 AM  

Samalander: like some kind of delicious but doomed Venn diagram


Ha!
 
2014-02-01 08:04:01 AM  
 
2014-02-01 08:07:50 AM  
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com

Oh, Heidi ...
 
2014-02-01 08:26:36 AM  
"Depends on the bun, but typically the top bun is softer and less dense, thereby not the "load bearing" that it's purported to be.  What it does do is conform better, where the fluffy part condenses easier than the crust, combined with the dome shape makes it the ideal side for condiments, it cups them, like a crying prostitute cupping your sack or caps them like a condom.

Whatever direction you choose to eat or slather mayo, I don't care.  But spreading of lies I do not condone."

I assume this is rendered null and void if the bun is toasted. And applaud your standing up for transparency and accuracy in all matters burger-related.
 
2014-02-01 08:33:25 AM  

Samalander: I work in a fast food joint with a giant star on it so I'm getting a kick, etc.

Giant Star prides itself on messy burgers ("if it doesn't get all over the place..."), and over the years I've come up with the perfect solution to eating one of their quarter-pounders with errything on it:

Cut that farker in half (or ask the cook to do it for you).

That semicircle of sandwich fits in your mouth MUCH more easily than trying to cram one circle into another like some kind of delicious but doomed Venn diagram. If you're that worried about drippings, and don't have fries to drip them on, hold the half-a-sandwich with a napkin.

Your friends might call you a p*ssy but at least you'll be a clean one. Nobody likes a dirty p*ssy.


Bravo!  Cutting it in half is the right answer.
Oh, and about the pussy...
 
2014-02-01 09:09:42 AM  

Farty McPooPants: Samalander: I work in a fast food joint with a giant star on it so I'm getting a kick, etc.

Giant Star prides itself on messy burgers ("if it doesn't get all over the place..."), and over the years I've come up with the perfect solution to eating one of their quarter-pounders with errything on it:

Cut that farker in half (or ask the cook to do it for you).

That semicircle of sandwich fits in your mouth MUCH more easily than trying to cram one circle into another like some kind of delicious but doomed Venn diagram. If you're that worried about drippings, and don't have fries to drip them on, hold the half-a-sandwich with a napkin.

Your friends might call you a p*ssy but at least you'll be a clean one. Nobody likes a dirty p*ssy.

Bravo!  Cutting it in half is the right answer.
Oh, and about the pussy...


Oh, look at that guy eating pizza with a knife and fork.
 
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