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(Politico)   Confessions of a former TSA screener: Yes, we were laughing at your junk   (politico.com) divider line 136
    More: Obvious, TSA, Chicago O'Hare, tsa employees, Abdulmutallab, Admonition, female passenger  
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12670 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Jan 2014 at 3:59 PM (28 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



136 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-01-31 04:01:55 PM
IT WAS F*CKING COLD!!!
 
2014-01-31 04:02:16 PM
That's okay, we were laughing at his limited career prospects.
 
2014-01-31 04:02:19 PM
better than my crying I guess
 
2014-01-31 04:04:10 PM
I have ALWAYS opted out. Never been through a scanner...
 
2014-01-31 04:04:39 PM
Yeah, we'll all be laughing when they shut the TSA down.
Every TSA agent that gets caught breaking the law and goes to prison is a grain of sand compared to the shaitheads that installed them.
 
2014-01-31 04:04:42 PM
I was laughing at your failure to pass the test for mall cops, and the fact you'll be first against the wall, Corky, when the revolution comes.
 
2014-01-31 04:05:34 PM
Of course, now I'm in PreChek, so I'm travelling like it's 1999....
 
2014-01-31 04:08:51 PM

MooseUpNorth: That's okay, we were laughing at his limited career prospects.


He's writing a  book. He'll get a few bucks for it.
 
2014-01-31 04:10:13 PM
Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....
 
2014-01-31 04:11:46 PM

ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....


I pop viagra before every flight and request to get a hand pat down in lieu of the body scanners
 
2014-01-31 04:11:48 PM

ObscureNameHere: Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....


Speak for yourself.
 
2014-01-31 04:12:29 PM

ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....


Depends on if you're a grower or a shower.
 
2014-01-31 04:13:13 PM
Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo
 
2014-01-31 04:14:32 PM
I like to go to the bathroom and thicken him up a little before the security theater show.
 
2014-01-31 04:14:49 PM
that's okay, I'm laughing at your 13 dollar an hour job
 
2014-01-31 04:18:40 PM
Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.


Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru
 
2014-01-31 04:19:31 PM
My under boobs get patted, my butt cheeks get rubbed, no biggie I move on. I fly quite a bit and  Ive never seen them try to make things intentionally difficult in domestic airports. Now, this is totally different if you're flying back from a foreign country on an American airline. Then those farkers revel in taking their sweet time.
 
2014-01-31 04:20:03 PM

PerilousApricot: ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....

I pop viagra before every flight and request to get a hand pat down in lieu of the body scanners


imgs.xkcd.com
 
2014-01-31 04:21:20 PM
I've gotten asked on a few dates by tsa agents after going through those things.

"For the 3rd time buddy, you're not my type... I like brunettes".
 
2014-01-31 04:21:38 PM

Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo


Same guy took a dildo through.
 
2014-01-31 04:22:14 PM
FTA We knew the full-body scanners didn't work before they were even installed. Not long after the Underwear Bomber incident, all TSA officers at O'Hare were informed that training for the Rapiscan Systems full-body scanners would soon begin. The machines cost about $150,000 a pop.

Our instructor was a balding middle-aged man who shrugged his shoulders after everything he said, as though in apology. At the conclusion of our crash course, one of the officers in our class asked him to tell us, off the record, what he really thought about the machines.

"They're shiat," he said, shrugging. He said we wouldn't be able to distinguish plastic explosives from body fat and that guns were practically invisible if they were turned sideways in a pocket.
We quickly found out the trainer was not kidding: Officers discovered that the machines were good at detecting just about everything besides cleverly hidden explosives and guns. The only thing more absurd than how poorly the full-body scanners performed was the incredible amount of time the machines wasted for everyone.



They were very profitable for Michael Chertoff, the man who ordered their implementation as head of the TSA, and that's what matters.
 
2014-01-31 04:23:58 PM
You have to set your sights a bit higher than the TSA.
Unelect the puds that keep the TSA wasting your money.
 
2014-01-31 04:25:47 PM
Laugh at it all you want; at least I'm not stuck at tsa...
 
2014-01-31 04:30:52 PM

Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo


I'd be scared to death to do something like that. Not because I'd hate to be patted down while I had a hard-on.

I'd just be really scared that some uppity woman traveling with her 3 kids would see me with a boner and freak out. Cops get involved, suddenly I'm on some list and have to tell my neighbors, can't be within a certain distance from schools/parks. etc.

Hell, I was doing some Christmas shopping at Target and had a mystery boner pop up out of nowhere, I was seriously worried about it. Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick. I do wonder what the laws are about that. It's not like you can always control it.
 
2014-01-31 04:30:54 PM
I'm not clicking through 4 pages.
 
2014-01-31 04:35:39 PM
After reading the article, I get the message of "Look at me, I'm an attention whore!"

I'm shocked, SHOCKED, I say, that a disgruntled former employee would say anything negative about their previous employer.  And, you know, when you can make some money to boot... why not say what everybody wants to hear?

/I wish I could write a book about a couple of my former employers
 
2014-01-31 04:38:52 PM
Sounds about right. CSB: I had to check in a carry-on cuz of my shampoo bottle, while a woman passed thru the security portal with a pointy metal nail file. She looked from it to her husband incredulously, and I just shook my head on my way to the gate.
 
2014-01-31 04:40:09 PM

Arctic Phoenix: /I wish I could write a book about a couple of my former employers


so you could lie about your time there like you are saying this guy is doing?
 
2014-01-31 04:44:07 PM

Headso: Arctic Phoenix: /I wish I could write a book about a couple of my former employers

so you could lie about your time there like you are saying this guy is doing?


Money is a pretty good motivator to do crappy things for a lot of people.  Just look at congress... Wall Street.. any bank....
 
2014-01-31 04:47:14 PM
As someone who has traveled too much in the past 20 years, this is probably the most refreshing and accurate account of a "security" checkpoint.

This country will be a lot better off when it realizes we can't be safe 100% of the time and politicians realize the TSA is there just to bloat itself and keep the money flowing.
 
2014-01-31 04:47:29 PM

TinyFist: Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo

I'd be scared to death to do something like that. Not because I'd hate to be patted down while I had a hard-on.

I'd just be really scared that some uppity woman traveling with her 3 kids would see me with a boner and freak out. Cops get involved, suddenly I'm on some list and have to tell my neighbors, can't be within a certain distance from schools/parks. etc.

Hell, I was doing some Christmas shopping at Target and had a mystery boner pop up out of nowhere, I was seriously worried about it. Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick. I do wonder what the laws are about that. It's not like you can always control it.


The law is if you don't take it out, nothing happens, relax idiot!
 
2014-01-31 04:48:21 PM

bigdanc: that's okay, I'm laughing at your 13 dollar an hour job


A single person can quite easily live on $13/hr. I've done it.

And it's probably a zero-stress job, laughing at all the flyers and getting to bring home all those goodies you confiscate; I imagine they save quite a bit on shampoo and such.

So there's that.
 
2014-01-31 04:49:42 PM
"HA! Jokes on you" - Ken Doll
 
2014-01-31 04:49:49 PM
These people should consider themselves lucky that I bother to wear pants to the airport.
 
2014-01-31 04:49:51 PM

TinyFist: Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick


Looking at the women in target usually solves that for me. (belt trick hurts, and it ruins my shirt.... and my hat [just kidding])
 
2014-01-31 04:51:03 PM
Guys, wear a strap on when going through the line and see how they react.
 
2014-01-31 04:51:25 PM
I've found that being super polite to the TSA agents works wonders. They know everyone hates them, most of them hate their jobs. Being polite usually catches them totally off guard and you can get away with practically anything. I do make a point of flipping the bird any time I go through the body scanner though.

I don't give a shiat if some mall cop gets a look at my junk. It's the principal of the matter that bugs me, and having to make sure I leave my tiny keychain pocket knife at home.
 
2014-01-31 04:52:17 PM

maxheck: These people should consider themselves lucky that I bother to wear pants to the airport.


I'm thankful, if that makes you feel any better.  LOL  The last thing I want is some dude sitting next to me in his underwear on the whole plane ride.
 
2014-01-31 04:53:03 PM

cookiefleck: My under boobs get patted, my butt cheeks get rubbed, no biggie I move on. I fly quite a bit and  Ive never seen them try to make things intentionally difficult in domestic airports. Now, this is totally different if you're flying back from a foreign country on an American airline. Then those farkers revel in taking their sweet time.


Go on.....
 
2014-01-31 04:54:12 PM
I'm a fairly party-line Democrat. But if a REAL Libertarian candidate stepped up and said, "Day 1 of my presidency, we shut down the TSA and throw that $10 billion at the national debt," I would vote for him on the spot.
 
2014-01-31 04:54:53 PM

TinyFist: Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo

I'd be scared to death to do something like that. Not because I'd hate to be patted down while I had a hard-on.

I'd just be really scared that some uppity woman traveling with her 3 kids would see me with a boner and freak out. Cops get involved, suddenly I'm on some list and have to tell my neighbors, can't be within a certain distance from schools/parks. etc.

Hell, I was doing some Christmas shopping at Target and had a mystery boner pop up out of nowhere, I was seriously worried about it. Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick. I do wonder what the laws are about that. It's not like you can always control it.


Im glad I never had to worry about those like in those sex videos we had to watch.
"Timmy cant control it, its automatic, so don't laugh."
 
2014-01-31 04:56:08 PM
We saw your boobs. We saw your boobs. At the airport that you saw we saw your boobs.
 
2014-01-31 04:57:16 PM

TinyFist: ObscureNameHere: Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....

Speak for yourself.


Just think of how hard they'd be laughing if you went through the scanner with a full woody.
That would be rather hard to explain, dontchya think?
 
2014-01-31 04:58:10 PM

Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru


yes...
 
2014-01-31 04:58:10 PM
Arctic Phoenix:

maxheck: These people should consider themselves lucky that I bother to wear pants to the airport.

I'm thankful, if that makes you feel any better. LOL The last thing I want is some dude sitting next to me in his underwear on the whole plane ride.


Underwear? Who said anything about underwear?

Seriously though... People are too damn precious about themselves.
 
2014-01-31 04:58:24 PM

Hoopy Frood: We saw your boobs. We saw your boobs. At the airport that you saw we saw your boobs.


lol
 
2014-01-31 04:58:41 PM

LessO2: This country will be a lot better off when it realizes we can't be safe 100% of the time and politicians realize the TSA is there just to bloat itself and keep the money flowing.



The TSA does exactly what Congress created it to do, they don't need to 'realize' anything because they've known since Day 1.
 
2014-01-31 05:00:42 PM
I've found that being super polite to the TSA agents works wonders. They know everyone hates them, most of them hate their jobs. Being polite usually catches them totally off guard and you can get away with practically anything. I do make a point of flipping the bird any time I go through the body scanner though.

My standard gag when they run their hand up between my legs behind is to do a two finger Jedi wave and say "these are not the 'roids you're looking for"  Usually gets a laugh...
 
2014-01-31 05:00:56 PM
It shows that when the boss orders you to do something you think is wrong, it tends to reduce your respect for the whole organization.  This shows in your performance.  Orders need to make sense enough for a person to feel like what they do matters.
 
2014-01-31 05:02:04 PM
I just want to know: Who is the guy who signed the document where we decided to trust a bunch of untrained junior college guys with Tasers and a boobie machine?

I mean, I have a lot of fiscal and sociological complaints about the TSA, but I think that basic problem is one that should have given everyone pause.
 
2014-01-31 05:03:27 PM
I'm a grower not a shower!
 
2014-01-31 05:03:48 PM

Rug Doctor: I just want to know: Who is the guy who signed the document where we decided to trust a bunch of untrained junior college guys with Tasers and a boobie machine?

I mean, I have a lot of fiscal and sociological complaints about the TSA, but I think that basic problem is one that should have given everyone pause.


Well to be fair college guys would examine the boobies carefully.
 
2014-01-31 05:04:36 PM

Rug Doctor: I just want to know: Who is the guy who signed the document where we decided to trust a bunch of untrained junior college guys with Tasers and a boobie machine?


That would be George W. Bush.
 
2014-01-31 05:05:34 PM

Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru


Damn you! Damn you straight to hell!

/Baton Rouge, Louisiana
//Indianapolis, Indiana
///And Columbus is the capitol of O-hi-o!
 
2014-01-31 05:05:44 PM

MooseUpNorth: That's okay, we were laughing at his limited career prospects.


img.fark.net
 
2014-01-31 05:06:20 PM
That was an entertaining (if not outright terrifying) read. 

The LAX event showed that you don't even need to enter the plane to cause harm. Security theater, plain and simple.
 
2014-01-31 05:06:43 PM
TinyFist: ...mystery boner ...

In high school that was called mystery meat. Different from the kind served in the cafeteria.
 
2014-01-31 05:09:58 PM

ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....



What if there is a Hotel Papa in line?
 
2014-01-31 05:10:55 PM

ArtosRC: That was an entertaining (if not outright terrifying) read.

The LAX event showed that you don't even need to enter the plane to cause harm. Security theater, plain and simple.


I've been shrieking this since 2001. The security lines are perfect choke points that, at many airports, contain more targets than a 737. It's a bomber's wet dream.

This is why I am 100 percent certain the TSA is bullshiat. If it was really designed to protect people, they never would allow those big masses of civilians with nowhere to run.
 
2014-01-31 05:11:19 PM

generallyso: FTA We knew the full-body scanners didn't work before they were even installed. Not long after the Underwear Bomber incident, all TSA officers at O'Hare were informed that training for the Rapiscan Systems full-body scanners would soon begin. The machines cost about $150,000 a pop.

Our instructor was a balding middle-aged man who shrugged his shoulders after everything he said, as though in apology. At the conclusion of our crash course, one of the officers in our class asked him to tell us, off the record, what he really thought about the machines.

"They're shiat," he said, shrugging. He said we wouldn't be able to distinguish plastic explosives from body fat and that guns were practically invisible if they were turned sideways in a pocket.
We quickly found out the trainer was not kidding: Officers discovered that the machines were good at detecting just about everything besides cleverly hidden explosives and guns. The only thing more absurd than how poorly the full-body scanners performed was the incredible amount of time the machines wasted for everyone.


They were very profitable for Michael Chertoff, the man who ordered their implementation as head of the TSA, and that's what matters.


The guy who wasn't in charge of the TSA anymore can issue orders to it?

Sorry, but those scanners were purchased as part of the "stimulus".

It stimulated the pockets of Washington insiders, yes, but it was on the Democrats dime. Did they even get a single Republican vote for that?

However the president of the company who make the Rape-i-scanners did get selected to ride on Air Force One for Obama's trip to India, so I buying off both teams really pays off.
 
2014-01-31 05:13:44 PM

Rug Doctor: I've been shrieking this since 2001. The security lines are perfect choke points that, at many airports, contain more targets than a 737. It's a bomber's wet dream.


Hell, the only thing someone needs to do is step foot inside the airport and have at the ticketing counter. It's a horrific design flaw in this day and age.
 
2014-01-31 05:14:38 PM

LessO2: As someone who has traveled too much in the past 20 years, this is probably the most refreshing and accurate account of a "security" checkpoint.

This country will be a lot better off when it realizes we can't be safe 100% of the time and politicians realize the TSA is there just to bloat itself and keep the money flowing.

 
2014-01-31 05:14:58 PM

mark12A: I have ALWAYS opted out. Never been through a scanner...


I always opt out too.
 
2014-01-31 05:18:04 PM
If it makes you feel better, the rest of the world is far worse. Israel is famous for muti-hour interrogations, and Nepal-to-India flights involve two bag checks because of some sort of diplomatic pissing match that probably involved a multiple-fatality bombing... One in the terminal and one in a tent set up next to the plane.

Personally, I don't care if some TSA drone gets their jollies from viewing my pixellated junk. My G/F likes what I have, that's all I care about.
 
2014-01-31 05:20:20 PM

abmoraz: Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru

yes...


ditto.
 
2014-01-31 05:22:56 PM

Phony_Soldier: mark12A: I have ALWAYS opted out. Never been through a scanner...

I always opt out too.


I always (which is twice) go through. It's faster, and I don't give a shiat if people see me naked, no less virtually. Usually, it's they who have the problem with my nudity.
 
2014-01-31 05:24:33 PM

bigdanc: that's okay, I'm laughing at your 138 dollar an hour job

 
2014-01-31 05:25:57 PM

funzyr: I'm not clicking through 4 pages.


It was interesting, at least in terms of "Who do I hate more: the TSA or a smug creative writing major who was just following orders?".
 
2014-01-31 05:26:05 PM

Rug Doctor: I'm a fairly party-line Democrat. But if a REAL Libertarian candidate stepped up and said, "Day 1 of my presidency, we shut down the TSA and throw that $10 billion at the national debt," I would vote for him on the spot.


Throwing $10 billion at the national debt is like shooting a spitwad at a charging rhinoceros.
 
2014-01-31 05:26:06 PM

tonguedepressor: bigdanc: that's okay, I'm laughing at your 138 dollar an hour job



I thought Obama was raising it to the princely sum of $10.10/hr.
 
2014-01-31 05:26:57 PM

ArtosRC: That was an entertaining (if not outright terrifying) read. 

The LAX event showed that you don't even need to enter the plane to cause harm. Security theater, plain and simple.


I'm kind of surprised that some Islamic terrorist hasn't shot up one of those mega-churches yet.  Or, heck, a shopping mall.  Can't quite get the "500 people dying in a flaming tin can falling from the sky" effect that a plane bombing has, but one could take out a couple dozen people, more so if there were multiple shooters or used explosives.

I think I've decided that the number of actual Islamic terrorists currently in the country is a number extremely close to zero.
 
2014-01-31 05:28:10 PM

Hoopy Frood: Rug Doctor: I'm a fairly party-line Democrat. But if a REAL Libertarian candidate stepped up and said, "Day 1 of my presidency, we shut down the TSA and throw that $10 billion at the national debt," I would vote for him on the spot.

Throwing $10 billion at the national debt is like shooting a spitwad at a charging rhinoceros.


Funneling money into the pockets of your political donors for machines that do not work is how we got into trouble in the first place.

The House version of the economic stimulus package includes more than $1 billion in spending for the Department of Homeland Security. The biggest single chunk of that is $500 million for the Transportation Security Administration to spend on what the bill calls "explosive detection systems and emerging checkpoint technologies." A Senate source said that chamber's plan is very similar.
 
2014-01-31 05:38:37 PM

Geotpf: ArtosRC: That was an entertaining (if not outright terrifying) read. 

The LAX event showed that you don't even need to enter the plane to cause harm. Security theater, plain and simple.

I'm kind of surprised that some Islamic terrorist hasn't shot up one of those mega-churches yet.  Or, heck, a shopping mall.  Can't quite get the "500 people dying in a flaming tin can falling from the sky" effect that a plane bombing has, but one could take out a couple dozen people, more so if there were multiple shooters or used explosives.

I think I've decided that the number of actual Islamic terrorists currently in the country is a number extremely close to zero.


Same.

Also chemical hauling trains...
 
2014-01-31 05:43:25 PM

Geotpf: ArtosRC: That was an entertaining (if not outright terrifying) read. 

The LAX event showed that you don't even need to enter the plane to cause harm. Security theater, plain and simple.

I'm kind of surprised that some Islamic terrorist hasn't shot up one of those mega-churches yet.  Or, heck, a shopping mall.  Can't quite get the "500 people dying in a flaming tin can falling from the sky" effect that a plane bombing has, but one could take out a couple dozen people, more so if there were multiple shooters or used explosives.

I think I've decided that the number of actual Islamic terrorists currently in the country is a number extremely close to zero.


It just takes a bit of daydreaming to come up with any number of terrorist plots which would definitely capture the broader public's attention. That marksman who was shooting folks in gas stations and car parks around DC about a decade ago certainly took a while to catch - imagine a cell of say 4 terrorists doing this sort of stuff, in such a way that all of them had alibis for a majority of the incidents. A nightmare for law enforcement and the homeland security agencies. Churches, shopping malls, office buildings - no shortage of sitting ducks anywhere and no pervy security monitors in sight.

The complete lack of logic in focussing so much effort on the TSA and planes while no terrorists are doing anything at all is just stupid.
 
2014-01-31 05:46:21 PM
I've worked TSA checkpoints down to a science... I have my nylon "North Face" pants where even the zippers are plastic, I put everything except my boarding pass and either passport or driver's license in my carryon, and unlace my shoes while waiting in line. Zoom... I go right through the X-ray.

Of course, the 83 people ahead of me who don't think likewise piss me off, but...
/ why am I not allowed to murder them?
 
2014-01-31 05:54:26 PM

Snarfangel: tonguedepressor: bigdanc: that's okay, I'm laughing at your 138 dollar an hour job


I thought Obama was raising it to the princely sum of $10.10/hr.


When I left nigh 4 years ago I was making nearly 18$ hr. and that didn't include performance bonuses.
And I'm sure there's been some kinda raise in the last 4 years so do the math.
 
2014-01-31 05:58:45 PM
It's not them seeing my lack of boner that bothers me, its the  presenceof their boners when a woman goes through that bothers me.
 
2014-01-31 05:58:54 PM
I saw more Boobies from women inadvertently/intentionally bending down to remove foot ware and having a loose blouse and no other means of support.

We referred to 'em as "Holy Grail" sightings.
 
2014-01-31 06:03:52 PM

LessO2: As someone who has traveled too much in the past 20 years, this is probably the most refreshing and accurate account of a "security" checkpoint.

This country will be a lot better off when it realizes we can't be safe 100% of the time and politicians realize the TSA is there just to bloat itself and keep the money flowing.


lets apply that to gun control as well
 
2014-01-31 06:08:15 PM
No, you weren't.

I stopped giving airlines my business after you clowns started setting up shop.
 
2014-01-31 06:08:47 PM

ChubbyTiger: abmoraz: Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru

yes...

ditto.


I believe her name was Dot.
 
2014-01-31 06:09:03 PM

chachi88: I like to go to the bathroom and thicken him up a little before the security theater show.


I always slap him around a bit before I have to show him off.
 
2014-01-31 06:09:22 PM

Best Princess Celestia: Im glad I never had to worry about those like in those sex videos we had to watch. "Timmy cant control it, its automatic, so don't laugh."


I'll take surprise boners over periods any day of the week.
 
2014-01-31 06:22:32 PM
Soooo when they were patting me down, they didn't mean it?

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-01-31 06:24:45 PM
What's funny is that I wear a lot jewellery and accessories and love big purses and they never say anything to me. And I'm not wearing costume stuff either, but I always smile and am friendly to them and they just let me through (they do fondle me. But you can't avoid that) it's always the pissed off business traveler that get huffy going security THAT THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH TWICE A WEEK!
 
2014-01-31 06:26:42 PM
MooseUpNorth
2014-01-31 04:02:16 PM


That's okay, we were laughing at his limited career prospects.

Federal job for life, no chance of being fired, all the free stuff he can steal from American travelers, DNC defending every groping sexual offense. What a deal for these perverts.
 
2014-01-31 06:31:16 PM

OnlyM3: MooseUpNorth
2014-01-31 04:02:16 PM


That's okay, we were laughing at his limited career prospects.
Federal job for life, no chance of being fired, all the free stuff he can steal from American travelers, DNC defending every groping sexual offense. What a deal for these perverts.


So, wet dream for you?
 
2014-01-31 06:38:45 PM

BullBearMS: Hoopy Frood: Rug Doctor: I'm a fairly party-line Democrat. But if a REAL Libertarian candidate stepped up and said, "Day 1 of my presidency, we shut down the TSA and throw that $10 billion at the national debt," I would vote for him on the spot.

Throwing $10 billion at the national debt is like shooting a spitwad at a charging rhinoceros.

Funneling money into the pockets of your political donors for machines that do not work is how we got into trouble in the first place.


A "REAL Libertarian" would cut way more than $10 billion anyway. It would be "OK, we don't need this department or this department, this department should be folded into this one, states could do more efficiently what this department does and should be doing it anyway, this war is only creating new generations of enemies so I'm gonna end it and close down most of these foreign military bases, you folks better get used to vetoes so you don't waste both your time and mine, we're gonna end the war on recreational drugs and try to eliminate the IRS, and... y'all have a nice day."
 
2014-01-31 06:41:47 PM
I opt out and, while getting my federally-sponsored feel-up, stand there and sing the Schoolhouse Rock version of The Preamble.
 
2014-01-31 06:49:00 PM
OnlyM3

Federal job for life, no chance of being fired, all the free stuff he can steal from American travelers, DNC defending every groping sexual offense. What a deal for these perverts.

This from a guy who voted twice for Bush II and once for Romney, as well as a GOP congress.

In other words, he made this happen and is now cranky about it.
So sorry, kiddo.
 
2014-01-31 06:49:15 PM

sybaris: I opt out and, while getting my federally-sponsored feel-up, stand there and sing the Schoolhouse Rock version of The Preamble.


I'M JUST A DILL, YEAH I'M ONLY A DILL
 
2014-01-31 06:55:14 PM
images.sodahead.com
 
2014-01-31 06:57:25 PM

bglove25: ChubbyTiger: abmoraz: Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru

yes...

ditto.

I believe her name was Dot.


Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the Third, actually.

But you can call her Dot.

/call her Dottie and you die
 
2014-01-31 06:57:26 PM
cookiefleck:

sybaris: I opt out and, while getting my federally-sponsored feel-up, stand there and sing the Schoolhouse Rock version of The Preamble.

I'M JUST A DILL, YEAH I'M ONLY A DILL


Hey Dill! Now you're a slaw!
 
2014-01-31 07:10:12 PM
"They're not laughing at my junk. They're gawking."

i.imgur.com
 
2014-01-31 07:14:59 PM

Hoopy Frood: BullBearMS: Hoopy Frood: Rug Doctor: I'm a fairly party-line Democrat. But if a REAL Libertarian candidate stepped up and said, "Day 1 of my presidency, we shut down the TSA and throw that $10 billion at the national debt," I would vote for him on the spot.

Throwing $10 billion at the national debt is like shooting a spitwad at a charging rhinoceros.

Funneling money into the pockets of your political donors for machines that do not work is how we got into trouble in the first place.

A "REAL Libertarian" would cut way more than $10 billion anyway. It would be "OK, we don't need this department or this department, this department should be folded into this one, states could do more efficiently what this department does and should be doing it anyway, this war is only creating new generations of enemies so I'm gonna end it and close down most of these foreign military bases, you folks better get used to vetoes so you don't waste both your time and mine, we're gonna end the war on recreational drugs and try to eliminate the IRS, and... y'all have a nice day."


RON PAUL
 
2014-01-31 07:16:22 PM
That's ok, I sneezed on your salad.  Or I gave you the slow internet speed.  Or I gave you a ticket.  Or I sold you the undercoating.  Every job offers the opportunity to mess with the public.  Laughing at genitalia is probably one of the more benign things that can go on.
 
2014-01-31 07:18:50 PM

Mambo Bananapatch: [images.sodahead.com image 350x236]


i can't believe that took so long. slackers.
 
2014-01-31 07:24:13 PM

Slypork: TinyFist: ...mystery boner ...

In high school that was called mystery meat. Different from the kind served in the cafeteria.


I call dibs in Mystery Meat for a band name.
 
2014-01-31 07:30:57 PM

James10952001:  It's the principal of the matter that bugs me, and having to make sure I leave my tiny keychain pocket knife at home.


If you ever see Penn & Teller's show they have a copy of the Bill of Rights you can buy that's printed on metal.  That way, when you fly, you can literally be told you have to hand over your rights to be allowed on the flight.

/ah, security theater
 
2014-01-31 07:30:58 PM
In hospitals we need to calibrate the machines daily.

Guess how often it was done at the airports.
Less
no, less than that,
If you guessed any number that can be less, you are not there yet.

But then again I wouldn't want anyone from the TSA calibrating the machines anyway
 
2014-01-31 07:41:15 PM
K.B.O. Winston:

James10952001: It's the principal of the matter that bugs me, and having to make sure I leave my tiny keychain pocket knife at home.

If you ever see Penn & Teller's show they have a copy of the Bill of Rights you can buy that's printed on metal. That way, when you fly, you can literally be told you have to hand over your rights to be allowed on the flight.

/ah, security theater


Well, yes, it is in fact pure theatre. Here's the thing though... If you don't react to shoe or underwear bombers, you lose your seat in Congress.

Anyone with a bit of imagination and technical ability can come up with umpteen ways to thwart airport security... But that's not the point.That's not the point at all.
 
2014-01-31 07:41:33 PM

BullBearMS: generallyso: FTA We knew the full-body scanners didn't work before they were even installed. Not long after the Underwear Bomber incident, all TSA officers at O'Hare were informed that training for the Rapiscan Systems full-body scanners would soon begin. The machines cost about $150,000 a pop.

Our instructor was a balding middle-aged man who shrugged his shoulders after everything he said, as though in apology. At the conclusion of our crash course, one of the officers in our class asked him to tell us, off the record, what he really thought about the machines.

"They're shiat," he said, shrugging. He said we wouldn't be able to distinguish plastic explosives from body fat and that guns were practically invisible if they were turned sideways in a pocket.
We quickly found out the trainer was not kidding: Officers discovered that the machines were good at detecting just about everything besides cleverly hidden explosives and guns. The only thing more absurd than how poorly the full-body scanners performed was the incredible amount of time the machines wasted for everyone.


They were very profitable for Michael Chertoff, the man who ordered their implementation as head of the TSA, and that's what matters.

The guy who wasn't in charge of the TSA anymore can issue orders to it?

Sorry, but those scanners were purchased as part of the "stimulus".

It stimulated the pockets of Washington insiders, yes, but it was on the Democrats dime. Did they even get a single Republican vote for that?

However the president of the company who make the Rape-i-scanners did get selected to ride on Air Force One for Obama's trip to India, so I buying off both teams really pays off.


My heart sank when I saw a photo of Obama shaking that Indian dude's hands.  We were proceeding full steam ahead with the TSA idiocy.
 
2014-01-31 07:44:57 PM
It's a small price to pay for not having any more terror attacks on US soil. The terrorist repelling rock was such an eyesore.
 
2014-01-31 07:46:00 PM

James10952001: I've found that being super polite to the TSA agents works wonders. They know everyone hates them, most of them hate their jobs. Being polite usually catches them totally off guard and you can get away with practically anything. I do make a point of flipping the bird any time I go through the body scanner though.

I don't give a shiat if some mall cop gets a look at my junk. It's the principal of the matter that bugs me, and having to make sure I leave my tiny keychain pocket knife at home.


I've found you can bring anything you want if you attach it to your keychain.  I've gone through the airport numerous times with my knife on the keychain, even before they started letting you take smaller things again.
 
2014-01-31 07:48:32 PM

jnapier: In hospitals we need to calibrate the machines daily.

Guess how often it was done at the airports.
Less
no, less than that,
If you guessed any number that can be less, you are not there yet.

But then again I wouldn't want anyone from the TSA calibrating the machines anyway


This, and medical x-rays are "hardened" by shooting them through aluminum, so the lower-order ones don't interact as much with soft tissue.

These are "low energy x-rays", which do interact with soft tissue. That interaction causes damage. It's probably no worse than some time in the sun, but again, it's not risk-free.

/has had a radiation burn before.
//meh, what else is new?
 
2014-01-31 07:53:47 PM
there's an easy way to get stuff into the secured area: Be a contractor. They'll ferry all of it in for you, and there's no inventory taken when you leave. Hell, you just lug your tools through the terminal and onto the shuttle and walk out.

Sure, you need to get a background check to do that, and it takes a bit of setting up, but you could easily pass the stuff along to whomever you wanted in the can.

It's not at all out of the range of a multinational terrorist organization.

hold on, someone's at the door. I don't remember ordering pizz§•e@.

NO CARRIER
 
2014-01-31 07:57:34 PM

Random Anonymous Blackmail: Guys, wear a strap on when going through the line and see how they react.


but wear it backwards
 
2014-01-31 08:04:28 PM

MBrady: Random Anonymous Blackmail: Guys, wear a strap on when going through the line and see how they react.

but wear it backwards


now, that's creative, and will in no way attract attention.
 
2014-01-31 08:11:24 PM
Don't laugh at the travelers Lard Boy. Is there even a penis in there? Can you find it with both hands? You might want to think about becoming a marine mammal. I'll be you are fast, agile and almost beautiful running along the river bottom. Hippo potamus. River horse. You'd almost think the Greeks had seen them underwater, but in the muddy Nile, that is unlikely.

I'll probably never fly again. Why bother? Ground transport is adopting the filthy habits of the airlines. Makes me sympathetic with SUV drivers. At least with an SUV you can run over the a-holes.
 
2014-01-31 08:12:57 PM

Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru


That's TAHITI. Not Haiti.

/This song is why I have Wakko tatooed on my leg.
 
2014-01-31 08:13:32 PM

generallyso: Rug Doctor: I just want to know: Who is the guy who signed the document where we decided to trust a bunch of untrained junior college guys with Tasers and a boobie machine?

That would be George W. Bush.


and who has continued this...after Bush left office...for 5 years?   can't blame Bush for that.
 
2014-01-31 08:14:32 PM

super_grass: It's a small price to pay for not having any more terror attacks on US soil. The terrorist repelling rock was such an eyesore.


You sound small dick.
 
2014-01-31 08:32:09 PM
img.izismile.com
 
2014-01-31 08:35:42 PM

funzyr: I'm not clicking through 4 pages.


You must be *very* important.  Kudos to you, douche.
 
2014-01-31 08:37:40 PM

Savage Belief: Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru

That's TAHITI. Not Haiti.

/This song is why I have Wakko tatooed on my leg.


He's standing in front of a map of North American and the Caribbean, and he points at Haiti.  Tahiti doesn't even show up in the song.

/it's not like I've watched it twice tonight, or anything
 
2014-01-31 08:42:10 PM

mark12A: Of course, now I'm in PreChek, so I'm travelling like it's 1999....


How does that work?  Show all your documents, get fingerprints, pass a background check, and then bypass the scanners?
 
2014-01-31 08:48:06 PM
Unless I need to cross an ocean Im not getting on a mutha farking plane. fark da man and fark his need to see my papers.
 
2014-01-31 08:53:51 PM

jnapier: In hospitals we need to calibrate the machines daily.

Guess how often it was done at the airports.
Less
no, less than that,
If you guessed any number that can be less, you are not there yet.

But then again I wouldn't want anyone from the TSA calibrating the machines anyway


What are you talking about? Every machine we used were calibrated at least daily and others like ETD much more.
 
2014-01-31 09:33:14 PM

cookiefleck: What's funny is that I wear a lot jewellery and accessories and love big purses and they never say anything to me. And I'm not wearing costume stuff either, but I always smile and am friendly to them and they just let me through (they do fondle me. But you can't avoid that) it's always the pissed off business traveler that get huffy going security THAT THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH TWICE A WEEK!


It's like this at a lot of places. My favourite is that at the local grocery here, every woman with a bag, some of them large enough to transport a small family inside, gets a free pass through the security checkpoint, but every time I walk through with my laptop backpack on my back, I get stopped.

I'm going to start carrying a purse around with me.
 
2014-01-31 09:43:58 PM

TwistedFark: cookiefleck: What's funny is that I wear a lot jewellery and accessories and love big purses and they never say anything to me. And I'm not wearing costume stuff either, but I always smile and am friendly to them and they just let me through (they do fondle me. But you can't avoid that) it's always the pissed off business traveler that get huffy going security THAT THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH TWICE A WEEK!

It's like this at a lot of places. My favourite is that at the local grocery here, every woman with a bag, some of them large enough to transport a small family inside, gets a free pass through the security checkpoint, but every time I walk through with my laptop backpack on my back, I get stopped.

I'm going to start carrying a purse around with me.


IT'S A SATCHEL!

/That's what my husband insists, anyway.
 
2014-01-31 09:58:57 PM

Goimir: They'll ferry all of it in for you,


I'm sure they will.

and there's no inventory taken when you leave.

No doubt. And the best thing about it is that it'll be so much lighter when you leave. I mean, how much can an empty bag weigh, anyhow?
 
2014-01-31 10:06:36 PM

MooseUpNorth: Goimir: They'll ferry all of it in for you,

I'm sure they will.

and there's no inventory taken when you leave.

No doubt. And the best thing about it is that it'll be so much lighter when you leave. I mean, how much can an empty bag weigh, anyhow?


I put up the Sunglass Hut sign in PIT. And actually, I got to drive on the tarmac, too. It was awesome.

"See that sign that says 'no left turn?' Make that left."

"OK, airplanes have the right of way."
 
2014-01-31 10:44:19 PM
Holy tap-dancing Christ, do I have to do everything around here???

3.bp.blogspot.com

123 posts and I'm the first??? Fark, I am disappoint.
 
2014-01-31 11:11:36 PM
I always opt out -- have never been through the scanner.
 
2014-01-31 11:28:54 PM

PerilousApricot: I pop viagra before every flight and request to get a hand pat down in lieu of the body scanners


I gotta fly in two weeks.  Precaching porn as we speak.
 
2014-01-31 11:40:19 PM

bglove25: ChubbyTiger: abmoraz: Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru

yes...

ditto.

I believe her name was Dot.


She was cute!

/but not on par with Hello Nurse
 
2014-01-31 11:42:25 PM

bigdanc: that's okay, I'm laughing at your 13 dollar an hour job


Are they $13/hour?  Because I heard they were minimum wage.
 
2014-02-01 12:01:28 AM
Stop enabling the TSA, fliers.
 
2014-02-01 12:37:16 AM
Someone should print up a pile of t-shirts with this in huge letters on the front and back, to wear through security:

T hieves &
S exual
A ssailants


Oh, and be polite and courteous to the agents, and be sure to opt-out of the scanners so you'll definitely get the pat-down while wearing it.

,

Also, if you're concerned about being fondled, has anyone tried wearing a cup through security?
 
2014-02-01 12:38:02 AM

PerilousApricot: ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....

I pop viagra before every flight and request to get a hand pat down in lieu of the body scanners


Its the pleats
 
2014-02-01 02:47:33 AM

trotsky: Hoopy Frood: BullBearMS: Hoopy Frood: Rug Doctor: I'm a fairly party-line Democrat. But if a REAL Libertarian candidate stepped up and said, "Day 1 of my presidency, we shut down the TSA and throw that $10 billion at the national debt," I would vote for him on the spot.

Throwing $10 billion at the national debt is like shooting a spitwad at a charging rhinoceros.

Funneling money into the pockets of your political donors for machines that do not work is how we got into trouble in the first place.

A "REAL Libertarian" would cut way more than $10 billion anyway. It would be "OK, we don't need this department or this department, this department should be folded into this one, states could do more efficiently what this department does and should be doing it anyway, this war is only creating new generations of enemies so I'm gonna end it and close down most of these foreign military bases, you folks better get used to vetoes so you don't waste both your time and mine, we're gonna end the war on recreational drugs and try to eliminate the IRS, and... y'all have a nice day."

RON PAUL


Welll, not quite. He's close, but he still identifies himself as a Republican, and a Real Libertarian wouldn't.
 
2014-02-01 03:03:42 AM
I don't see why they don't cut the scanners, and do like the nuke plants do: air puffers and metal detectors before going into the PA. The explosives detector sniffed out the pair jeans I used nearly a month before while tilling fertilizer into the garden, that had been washed half a dozen times, at least. Haven't flown since 9/11, but even with setting the alarm at work off, getting through security took 5 minutes, tops.
 
2014-02-01 10:27:26 AM
FTFA:  I remember one passenger coming through the checkpoint just after the video's release. He declined to pass through the full-body scanner, choosing instead to receive a full-body pat-down. I asked him why he was opting out.

"Because while the TSA has the ability to make this traveling experience miserable for me, it doesn't change the fact that right here, right now, YOU'RE the one on your knees groping a fat guy for a buck and change."

/5 mins max for a pat down, $13hr/12 = $1.08 for 5 mins.
 
2014-02-01 11:46:45 PM
That was an interesting article.  The TSA must have accidentally hired someone literate.
 
2014-02-01 11:50:06 PM

mark12A: I have ALWAYS opted out. Never been through a scanner...


I go through them all the time.  Once the scanner was puzzled by the hanky in my pocket.  Another time the scanner couldn't handle my empty pocket.  Yes, the dude looking at the monitor thought that there was a problem with my EMPTY pocket.

I now turn out my pockets to show those clowns that my empty pockets are in fact empty.
 
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