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(Politico)   Confessions of a former TSA screener: Yes, we were laughing at your junk   (politico.com) divider line 136
    More: Obvious, TSA, Chicago O'Hare, tsa employees, Abdulmutallab, Admonition, female passenger  
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12670 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Jan 2014 at 3:59 PM (30 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



136 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-01-31 04:01:55 PM
IT WAS F*CKING COLD!!!
 
2014-01-31 04:02:16 PM
That's okay, we were laughing at his limited career prospects.
 
2014-01-31 04:02:19 PM
better than my crying I guess
 
2014-01-31 04:04:10 PM
I have ALWAYS opted out. Never been through a scanner...
 
2014-01-31 04:04:39 PM
Yeah, we'll all be laughing when they shut the TSA down.
Every TSA agent that gets caught breaking the law and goes to prison is a grain of sand compared to the shaitheads that installed them.
 
2014-01-31 04:04:42 PM
I was laughing at your failure to pass the test for mall cops, and the fact you'll be first against the wall, Corky, when the revolution comes.
 
2014-01-31 04:05:34 PM
Of course, now I'm in PreChek, so I'm travelling like it's 1999....
 
2014-01-31 04:08:51 PM

MooseUpNorth: That's okay, we were laughing at his limited career prospects.


He's writing a  book. He'll get a few bucks for it.
 
2014-01-31 04:10:13 PM
Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....
 
2014-01-31 04:11:46 PM

ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....


I pop viagra before every flight and request to get a hand pat down in lieu of the body scanners
 
2014-01-31 04:11:48 PM

ObscureNameHere: Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....


Speak for yourself.
 
2014-01-31 04:12:29 PM

ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....


Depends on if you're a grower or a shower.
 
2014-01-31 04:13:13 PM
Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo
 
2014-01-31 04:14:32 PM
I like to go to the bathroom and thicken him up a little before the security theater show.
 
2014-01-31 04:14:49 PM
that's okay, I'm laughing at your 13 dollar an hour job
 
2014-01-31 04:18:40 PM
Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.


Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru
 
2014-01-31 04:19:31 PM
My under boobs get patted, my butt cheeks get rubbed, no biggie I move on. I fly quite a bit and  Ive never seen them try to make things intentionally difficult in domestic airports. Now, this is totally different if you're flying back from a foreign country on an American airline. Then those farkers revel in taking their sweet time.
 
2014-01-31 04:20:03 PM

PerilousApricot: ObscureNameHere: Seriously, as I guy, I don't get this 'laugh at it when soft' bit.   Unless you are 15 year old, you don't walk around with a perma-boner, so everything will be in its much smaller 'resting state'.  Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....

I pop viagra before every flight and request to get a hand pat down in lieu of the body scanners


imgs.xkcd.com
 
2014-01-31 04:21:20 PM
I've gotten asked on a few dates by tsa agents after going through those things.

"For the 3rd time buddy, you're not my type... I like brunettes".
 
2014-01-31 04:21:38 PM

Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo


Same guy took a dildo through.
 
2014-01-31 04:22:14 PM
FTA We knew the full-body scanners didn't work before they were even installed. Not long after the Underwear Bomber incident, all TSA officers at O'Hare were informed that training for the Rapiscan Systems full-body scanners would soon begin. The machines cost about $150,000 a pop.

Our instructor was a balding middle-aged man who shrugged his shoulders after everything he said, as though in apology. At the conclusion of our crash course, one of the officers in our class asked him to tell us, off the record, what he really thought about the machines.

"They're shiat," he said, shrugging. He said we wouldn't be able to distinguish plastic explosives from body fat and that guns were practically invisible if they were turned sideways in a pocket.
We quickly found out the trainer was not kidding: Officers discovered that the machines were good at detecting just about everything besides cleverly hidden explosives and guns. The only thing more absurd than how poorly the full-body scanners performed was the incredible amount of time the machines wasted for everyone.



They were very profitable for Michael Chertoff, the man who ordered their implementation as head of the TSA, and that's what matters.
 
2014-01-31 04:23:58 PM
You have to set your sights a bit higher than the TSA.
Unelect the puds that keep the TSA wasting your money.
 
2014-01-31 04:25:47 PM
Laugh at it all you want; at least I'm not stuck at tsa...
 
2014-01-31 04:30:52 PM

Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo


I'd be scared to death to do something like that. Not because I'd hate to be patted down while I had a hard-on.

I'd just be really scared that some uppity woman traveling with her 3 kids would see me with a boner and freak out. Cops get involved, suddenly I'm on some list and have to tell my neighbors, can't be within a certain distance from schools/parks. etc.

Hell, I was doing some Christmas shopping at Target and had a mystery boner pop up out of nowhere, I was seriously worried about it. Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick. I do wonder what the laws are about that. It's not like you can always control it.
 
2014-01-31 04:30:54 PM
I'm not clicking through 4 pages.
 
2014-01-31 04:35:39 PM
After reading the article, I get the message of "Look at me, I'm an attention whore!"

I'm shocked, SHOCKED, I say, that a disgruntled former employee would say anything negative about their previous employer.  And, you know, when you can make some money to boot... why not say what everybody wants to hear?

/I wish I could write a book about a couple of my former employers
 
2014-01-31 04:38:52 PM
Sounds about right. CSB: I had to check in a carry-on cuz of my shampoo bottle, while a woman passed thru the security portal with a pointy metal nail file. She looked from it to her husband incredulously, and I just shook my head on my way to the gate.
 
2014-01-31 04:40:09 PM

Arctic Phoenix: /I wish I could write a book about a couple of my former employers


so you could lie about your time there like you are saying this guy is doing?
 
2014-01-31 04:44:07 PM

Headso: Arctic Phoenix: /I wish I could write a book about a couple of my former employers

so you could lie about your time there like you are saying this guy is doing?


Money is a pretty good motivator to do crappy things for a lot of people.  Just look at congress... Wall Street.. any bank....
 
2014-01-31 04:47:14 PM
As someone who has traveled too much in the past 20 years, this is probably the most refreshing and accurate account of a "security" checkpoint.

This country will be a lot better off when it realizes we can't be safe 100% of the time and politicians realize the TSA is there just to bloat itself and keep the money flowing.
 
2014-01-31 04:47:29 PM

TinyFist: Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo

I'd be scared to death to do something like that. Not because I'd hate to be patted down while I had a hard-on.

I'd just be really scared that some uppity woman traveling with her 3 kids would see me with a boner and freak out. Cops get involved, suddenly I'm on some list and have to tell my neighbors, can't be within a certain distance from schools/parks. etc.

Hell, I was doing some Christmas shopping at Target and had a mystery boner pop up out of nowhere, I was seriously worried about it. Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick. I do wonder what the laws are about that. It's not like you can always control it.


The law is if you don't take it out, nothing happens, relax idiot!
 
2014-01-31 04:48:21 PM

bigdanc: that's okay, I'm laughing at your 13 dollar an hour job


A single person can quite easily live on $13/hr. I've done it.

And it's probably a zero-stress job, laughing at all the flyers and getting to bring home all those goodies you confiscate; I imagine they save quite a bit on shampoo and such.

So there's that.
 
2014-01-31 04:49:42 PM
"HA! Jokes on you" - Ken Doll
 
2014-01-31 04:49:49 PM
These people should consider themselves lucky that I bother to wear pants to the airport.
 
2014-01-31 04:49:51 PM

TinyFist: Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick


Looking at the women in target usually solves that for me. (belt trick hurts, and it ruins my shirt.... and my hat [just kidding])
 
2014-01-31 04:51:03 PM
Guys, wear a strap on when going through the line and see how they react.
 
2014-01-31 04:51:25 PM
I've found that being super polite to the TSA agents works wonders. They know everyone hates them, most of them hate their jobs. Being polite usually catches them totally off guard and you can get away with practically anything. I do make a point of flipping the bird any time I go through the body scanner though.

I don't give a shiat if some mall cop gets a look at my junk. It's the principal of the matter that bugs me, and having to make sure I leave my tiny keychain pocket knife at home.
 
2014-01-31 04:52:17 PM

maxheck: These people should consider themselves lucky that I bother to wear pants to the airport.


I'm thankful, if that makes you feel any better.  LOL  The last thing I want is some dude sitting next to me in his underwear on the whole plane ride.
 
2014-01-31 04:53:03 PM

cookiefleck: My under boobs get patted, my butt cheeks get rubbed, no biggie I move on. I fly quite a bit and  Ive never seen them try to make things intentionally difficult in domestic airports. Now, this is totally different if you're flying back from a foreign country on an American airline. Then those farkers revel in taking their sweet time.


Go on.....
 
2014-01-31 04:54:12 PM
I'm a fairly party-line Democrat. But if a REAL Libertarian candidate stepped up and said, "Day 1 of my presidency, we shut down the TSA and throw that $10 billion at the national debt," I would vote for him on the spot.
 
2014-01-31 04:54:53 PM

TinyFist: Slypork: Yeah but were you laughing when the guy takes viagra before the patdown?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo

I'd be scared to death to do something like that. Not because I'd hate to be patted down while I had a hard-on.

I'd just be really scared that some uppity woman traveling with her 3 kids would see me with a boner and freak out. Cops get involved, suddenly I'm on some list and have to tell my neighbors, can't be within a certain distance from schools/parks. etc.

Hell, I was doing some Christmas shopping at Target and had a mystery boner pop up out of nowhere, I was seriously worried about it. Had to do the old slyly tuck it up under the belt trick. I do wonder what the laws are about that. It's not like you can always control it.


Im glad I never had to worry about those like in those sex videos we had to watch.
"Timmy cant control it, its automatic, so don't laugh."
 
2014-01-31 04:56:08 PM
We saw your boobs. We saw your boobs. At the airport that you saw we saw your boobs.
 
2014-01-31 04:57:16 PM

TinyFist: ObscureNameHere: Standing in a security line isn't exactly a 'turn on'....

Speak for yourself.


Just think of how hard they'd be laughing if you went through the scanner with a full woody.
That would be rather hard to explain, dontchya think?
 
2014-01-31 04:58:10 PM

Bondith: Syria, Algeria, Afghanistan
Iraq, Iran, Yemen
and Cuba,
Lebanon-Libya, Somalia-Sudan
People's Republic of North Korea.

Anyone else try to sing the to Yakko's World?

/United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
//Haiti, Jamaica, Peru


yes...
 
2014-01-31 04:58:10 PM
Arctic Phoenix:

maxheck: These people should consider themselves lucky that I bother to wear pants to the airport.

I'm thankful, if that makes you feel any better. LOL The last thing I want is some dude sitting next to me in his underwear on the whole plane ride.


Underwear? Who said anything about underwear?

Seriously though... People are too damn precious about themselves.
 
2014-01-31 04:58:24 PM

Hoopy Frood: We saw your boobs. We saw your boobs. At the airport that you saw we saw your boobs.


lol
 
2014-01-31 04:58:41 PM

LessO2: This country will be a lot better off when it realizes we can't be safe 100% of the time and politicians realize the TSA is there just to bloat itself and keep the money flowing.



The TSA does exactly what Congress created it to do, they don't need to 'realize' anything because they've known since Day 1.
 
2014-01-31 05:00:42 PM
I've found that being super polite to the TSA agents works wonders. They know everyone hates them, most of them hate their jobs. Being polite usually catches them totally off guard and you can get away with practically anything. I do make a point of flipping the bird any time I go through the body scanner though.

My standard gag when they run their hand up between my legs behind is to do a two finger Jedi wave and say "these are not the 'roids you're looking for"  Usually gets a laugh...
 
2014-01-31 05:00:56 PM
It shows that when the boss orders you to do something you think is wrong, it tends to reduce your respect for the whole organization.  This shows in your performance.  Orders need to make sense enough for a person to feel like what they do matters.
 
2014-01-31 05:02:04 PM
I just want to know: Who is the guy who signed the document where we decided to trust a bunch of untrained junior college guys with Tasers and a boobie machine?

I mean, I have a lot of fiscal and sociological complaints about the TSA, but I think that basic problem is one that should have given everyone pause.
 
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