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(Salon)   Meet the insane people who recycle toilet paper or try to live "toilet paper free." The whole thing just sounds like a crapshoot   (salon.com) divider line 149
    More: Sick, sustainable lifestyle, toilet paper  
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8856 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Jan 2014 at 9:11 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



149 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-01-28 08:07:27 PM  
Why not? The Romans got along fine with using a brush for the toilet paper function of today.

/Of course, they had communal toilets too.
//If you crap together, you're hanging together.
 
2014-01-28 08:36:24 PM  

AirForceVet: Why not? The Romans got along fine with using a brush for the toilet paper function of today.

/Of course, they had communal toilets too.
//If you crap together, you're hanging together.


And the average life expectancy of a Roman citizen was what?  How's about 35 years.  I'm sure that short life wasn't dictated by communal use of a brush to wipe the Hershey Highway, but I'm sure the practice didn't help it any.  As for me, I'll continue to use my single ply paper lovingly folded over for the second swipe and flush the whole mess down the john.
 
2014-01-28 09:01:01 PM  
blogs.browardpalmbeach.com
 
2014-01-28 09:11:14 PM  
You've never lived until you've had your starfish washed and gently tickled by a Suprise stream of cold water from your boudour .
 
2014-01-28 09:13:41 PM  
So they figured out how to use the three seashells?

www.poopreport.com
 
2014-01-28 09:13:53 PM  

hardinparamedic: You've never lived until you've had your starfish washed and gently tickled by a Suprise stream of cold water from your boudour .


Boudour?

/you got hit in the ass with a stream of cold water from a lady's bedroom?
 
2014-01-28 09:13:55 PM  
I'm just picturing what their washing line looks like
 
2014-01-28 09:14:15 PM  
Does Sears even put out a catalogue anymore?
 
2014-01-28 09:15:08 PM  
We're not supposed to be using any of the following as an inspiration: the Chinese kids crapping in the street, or the court of Louis XIV, or Indian peasants next to the Ganges.
 
2014-01-28 09:15:10 PM  

dustman81: So they figured out how to use the three seashells?

[www.poopreport.com image 400x207]


Came for the Demolition Man reference, left happy.
 
2014-01-28 09:15:50 PM  
So the "article" was a link to 3 blogs and didnt have any information at all?

Welcometofark.jpg
 
2014-01-28 09:16:09 PM  
Hand, meet ass.

*flick*
 
2014-01-28 09:16:27 PM  
Hey, there, what's going on this thread?

img2.timeinc.net
 
2014-01-28 09:16:36 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: hardinparamedic: You've never lived until you've had your starfish washed and gently tickled by a Suprise stream of cold water from your boudour .

Boudour?

/you got hit in the ass with a stream of cold water from a misspelled lady's bedroom?

 
2014-01-28 09:18:01 PM  
Is this related to any of that "free bleeding" garbage floating around on social media?
 
2014-01-28 09:18:02 PM  
I admit, it's something I've thought about, thinking there's GOT to be a way to make it work and not gross... but I'm still beholden to my Cottonell overlords.
 
2014-01-28 09:18:09 PM  
I used cloth diapers and wipes on my kids. I could handle doing it. I couldn't just foist it on guests, though. That wouldn't be very friendly.
 
2014-01-28 09:18:18 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: hardinparamedic: You've never lived until you've had your starfish washed and gently tickled by a Suprise stream of cold water from your boudour .

Boudour?

/you got hit in the ass with a stream of cold water from a lady's bedroom?


you're sounding awfully judgemental. What ever floats your boat I always say.
 
2014-01-28 09:20:30 PM  
So less biodegradable paper and more water and soap?
 
2014-01-28 09:21:03 PM  

namegoeshere: Does Sears even put out a catalogue anymore?


Sears catalog? I don't follow...

I just have a bunch of subscriptions to like Maxim and Vogue, etc. that come with those perfume scented ads in them. Just rip one of those pages out and wipe once or twice and you're shower fresh all day.
 
2014-01-28 09:21:07 PM  
Yes, toilet paper is bad, but condoms are outright awful for the environment.  That's why I make heavy use of reduce, reuse and recycle for my prophylactic needs.  That plastic sandwich bag you wrapped your bologna sandwich in for lunch today?  To me, that's the perfect wrapper for my hog.  The old pair of mismatched socks you donated to Goodwill?  That got me through many an AIDSless night.
 
2014-01-28 09:23:07 PM  
I wonder how much of the environmental benefit is negated by the hot water and bleach needed to clean the flannel paper? Because if you're not cleaning your shiat cloths in bleach and hot water, you are a nasty, nasty person.
 
2014-01-28 09:23:07 PM  
I heard of "no-poo" people, but that is something different.
 
2014-01-28 09:23:08 PM  
At that point, why not just install a bidet seat on your toilet?
 
2014-01-28 09:23:22 PM  

GBmanNC: MaudlinMutantMollusk: hardinparamedic: You've never lived until you've had your starfish washed and gently tickled by a Suprise stream of cold water from your boudour .

Boudour?

/you got hit in the ass with a stream of cold water from a lady's bedroom?

you're sounding awfully judgemental. What ever floats your boat I always say.


Actually, I was leaning toward "awe"

/curious as to the range
 
2014-01-28 09:23:29 PM  
Sure you can just skid your bum across the lawn down south.

But try doing that up here in Canada when it's -30 outside.
 
2014-01-28 09:23:58 PM  
I'm making popcorncobs for this thread.
 
2014-01-28 09:24:14 PM  
So are these the people who do that anal bleaching thing I've heard about?
 
2014-01-28 09:24:45 PM  

TinyFist: namegoeshere: Does Sears even put out a catalogue anymore?

Sears catalog? I don't follow...

I just have a bunch of subscriptions to like Maxim and Vogue, etc. that come with those perfume scented ads in them. Just rip one of those pages out and wipe once or twice and you're shower fresh all day.


In the old days, that's what would be in the outhouse. It was really thick so it'd last a long time. And you could shop and shiat - multitasking!

/not that old
/I read
 
2014-01-28 09:24:45 PM  
Killing yourself may be the 'greenest' thing you could do.
 
2014-01-28 09:24:46 PM  
There's apparently what I assume is an old Russian joke (The guy who liked to tell it all the time is Ukrainian...) about only using a very small piece of paper to wipe.  You first rip off a corner of the paper and save it as it is very important.  Then, you stick your finger through the piece of paper and "wipe".  You then take your piece you ripped off to clean under your finger nails.
 
2014-01-28 09:24:48 PM  
In case you don't understand how the rest of the world works:

http://youtu.be/dKkryfdtMNQ
 
2014-01-28 09:25:25 PM  

GBmanNC: MaudlinMutantMollusk: hardinparamedic: You've never lived until you've had your starfish washed and gently tickled by a Suprise stream of cold water from your boudour .

Boudour?

/you got hit in the ass with a stream of cold water from a lady's bedroom?

you're sounding awfully judgemental. What ever floats your boat I always say.


A stream of water could float your boat if it was small enough.
 
2014-01-28 09:27:05 PM  
And every bit of eco-whatsis gets negated by having to run two extra loads of wash, one for the asswipes, once empty with bleach to disinfect the washing machine.
 
2014-01-28 09:27:36 PM  

voodoomedic: In case you don't understand how the rest of the world works:

http://youtu.be/dKkryfdtMNQ


I ain't clicking that link. Nope. I'm not the smartest man on the planet, but noooo....
 
2014-01-28 09:28:04 PM  
www.bigballofnope.com

/so hot
 
2014-01-28 09:31:05 PM  
There's a Ron White joke in here somewhere about the advantages of a luxury bidet...

I think it involved a cake covered ferret or something.

*shrugs*
 
2014-01-28 09:31:16 PM  
I know what is besht in life, "hot water,good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper", and I am not giving it up.
 
2014-01-28 09:31:45 PM  
With the right bidet anything is possible.

Oooooh, I felt that in my large intestine better turn it off the FIREHOSE setting.
 
2014-01-28 09:32:19 PM  

namegoeshere: Does Sears even put out a catalogue anymore?


does sears even anymore
 
2014-01-28 09:32:41 PM  

MrEricSir: At that point, why not just install a bidet seat on your toilet?


Vice President Joe Bidet says, "that's a big farking deal."
 
2014-01-28 09:33:16 PM  

Anne.Uumellmahaye: I used cloth diapers and wipes on my kids. I could handle doing it. I couldn't just foist it on guests, though. That wouldn't be very friendly.


Well, yeah.  Insisting your houseguests wear diapers would be a pretty....crappy thing to do.
 
2014-01-28 09:35:08 PM  

InfrasonicTom: namegoeshere: Does Sears even put out a catalogue anymore?

does sears even anymore


Slightly off topic, but it's been said before. Sears was Amazon before Bezos was even a twinkle in his great-grandaddy's eye. How they managed to fark that up is anybody's guess, but they already had the infrastructure and logistics sorted out, but instead they killed the whole catalog business right when the internet was taking off.
 
2014-01-28 09:35:16 PM  

Prey4reign: And the average life expectancy of a Roman citizen was what?  How's about 35 years.


Ancient life expectancy averages are skewed by very high infant mortality. Adults could expect to live to their 50s or 60s, and the affluent of any era could live almost as long as they do now.
 
2014-01-28 09:38:48 PM  

TinyFist: voodoomedic: In case you don't understand how the rest of the world works:

http://youtu.be/dKkryfdtMNQ

I ain't clicking that link. Nope. I'm not the smartest man on the planet, but noooo....


Then here's a link for the rest of you....the amazing Japanese (SFW!)

http://youtu.be/AkZeYLXWZlM
 
2014-01-28 09:40:20 PM  
Well, it's not a terrible idea. Although when it comes to cleansing the anal region after defecation, there are no great ideas. As someone with OCD, I've thought about the options quite a bit, and none of them are great.
 
2014-01-28 09:40:23 PM  

hardinparamedic: You've never lived until you've had your starfish washed and gently tickled by a Suprise stream of cold water from your boudour .


We can't all afford to hire a middle eastern man to wash our asses for us, Mr. fancy bottom.
 
2014-01-28 09:40:44 PM  

MrEricSir: At that point, why not just install a bidet seat on your toilet?


Got one of these before having leg surgery and being unable to shower for three months after. Washes & dries with warm water/air. Cost $600. Totally worth every penny.
 
2014-01-28 09:42:49 PM  
Come on, using a firehose is completely impractical in the winter.
 
2014-01-28 09:43:52 PM  
i1211.photobucket.com
 
2014-01-28 09:44:40 PM  
Salon should stick to moronic crap like this rather than politics.
 
2014-01-28 09:44:44 PM  
My toiled splashes a bunch when I flush it, so I just stay seated.
 
2014-01-28 09:44:47 PM  
If you eat the proper amount of vegetables, especially green leafy vegetables, your anus will reward you with what is most likely to be your most satisfying experience of the day over the course of your life, on long term average.

Nothing beats taking a giant dump with a Kindle in one hand, an Android in the other, and a warm bidet at the end of the journey.
 
2014-01-28 09:44:53 PM  

Anne.Uumellmahaye: I used cloth diapers and wipes on my kids. I could handle doing it. I couldn't just foist it on guests, though. That wouldn't be very friendly.


I wipe my own ass with two-ply Charmin, but if my guests don't bring their own toilet paper, they get to make do with recycled washcloths.
 
2014-01-28 09:45:11 PM  

Nem Wan: Prey4reign: And the average life expectancy of a Roman citizen was what?  How's about 35 years.

Ancient life expectancy averages are skewed by very high infant mortality. Adults could expect to live to their 50s or 60s, and the affluent of any era could live almost as long as they do now.


That's why averages are bad, especially without seeing the data. It's like everyone thinks there was hardly any old people until recently. There was just a lot more dead kids and infants like you said.
 
2014-01-28 09:45:55 PM  
Just because something "used" to be done a long time ago doesn't mean that we don't do things BETTER NOW, okay?
 
2014-01-28 09:47:11 PM  

Prey4reign: And the average life expectancy of a Roman citizen was what?  How's about 35 years.


Funny thing about averages ...
 
2014-01-28 09:50:46 PM  

namegoeshere: I wonder how much of the environmental benefit is negated by the hot water and bleach needed to clean the flannel paper? Because if you're not cleaning your shiat cloths in bleach and hot water, you are a nasty, nasty person.


Came for this, and I thank you.

Eco ridiculousness.
 
2014-01-28 09:54:49 PM  
Until you offer me an actual decent alternative, I'll keep my environmentally unfriendly shiat-tickets, thank you.
 
2014-01-28 09:56:56 PM  
www.websophist.com
 
2014-01-28 09:59:32 PM  

PleaseHamletDon'tHurtEm: Until you offer me an actual decent alternative, I'll keep my environmentally unfriendly shiat-tickets, thank you.


They may not be cheap, but I can't think of anything that says 'civilization has arrived' better than the heated, warm water, pulse-jet, warm-air-dry, odor-neutralizing, remote control Japanese washlet.
 
2014-01-28 10:02:51 PM  

AirForceVet: Why not? The Romans got along fine with using a brush for the toilet paper function of today.


Yeah, let's go check with that empire and see how dey doin'

/don't forget to brush your anus
 
2014-01-28 10:06:38 PM  

Nem Wan: Prey4reign: And the average life expectancy of a Roman citizen was what?  How's about 35 years.

Ancient life expectancy averages are skewed by very high infant mortality. Adults could expect to live to their 50s or 60s, and the affluent of any era could live almost as long as they do now.


Unless, in the Roman case, they died of overeating, lead poisoning, or venereal disease.

Life in the Roman empire was probably pretty decent unless you were quite poor, or a mine slave. Even then it was better than being poor in, I dunno, Punt or something.
 
2014-01-28 10:15:45 PM  
I imagine reusable toilet paper would be much like non-disposable diapers. You wipe, throw in a diaper bin, and wash in hot water and bleach in washing machine. You might save a few trees, but how much more water and energy would you be using in washing?

Not worth it to me, but it's not like it has no acceptable comparison.
 
2014-01-28 10:16:17 PM  

Laobaojun: I know what is besht in life, "hot water,good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper", and I am not giving it up.


fc07.deviantart.net
 
2014-01-28 10:18:29 PM  

Anne.Uumellmahaye: I used cloth diapers and wipes on my kids. I could handle doing it. I couldn't just foist it on guests, though. That wouldn't be very friendly.


The odds are most of these folk's guests would be cool with it. You could always keep a TP roll on hand for guests, though.
 
2014-01-28 10:19:26 PM  
Bidet's.... Better than toilet paper any day...
 
2014-01-28 10:20:51 PM  

Ambivalence: I imagine reusable toilet paper would be much like non-disposable diapers. You wipe, throw in a diaper bin, and wash in hot water and bleach in washing machine. You might save a few trees, but how much more water and energy would you be using in washing?

Not worth it to me, but it's not like it has no acceptable comparison.


Reportedly cloth diapers can save a lot of money however, which is usually why I hear people doing it, as opposed to saving trees.
 
2014-01-28 10:21:31 PM  

Ambivalence: You might save a few trees, but how much more water and energy would you be using in washing?


The paper-making (and packaging/distribution) process also uses massive amounts of water and energy.  Enough that you have to consider it in any head-to-head comparison.
 
2014-01-28 10:22:53 PM  
Goddammit, another news story that's only available as a video? Is it too much to ask that the news is presented in text format? If I want video, I'll watch TV.
 
2014-01-28 10:23:10 PM  

ramblinwreck: Is this related to any of that "free bleeding" garbage floating around on social media?


Please tell me that's not a thing.
 
2014-01-28 10:23:14 PM  
I only use toilet paper I've stolen from Starbucks' restrooms.  Does that count?
 
2014-01-28 10:24:18 PM  

pyrotek85: Ambivalence: I imagine reusable toilet paper would be much like non-disposable diapers. You wipe, throw in a diaper bin, and wash in hot water and bleach in washing machine. You might save a few trees, but how much more water and energy would you be using in washing?

Not worth it to me, but it's not like it has no acceptable comparison.

Reportedly cloth diapers can save a lot of money however, which is usually why I hear people doing it, as opposed to saving trees.


Where I live (the desert), landfill space is plentiful, but water and electricity are expensive. Throw in the time spent washing cloth diapers, and disposables FTW, at least they did for us.

/Glad they're all no longer in diapers
 
2014-01-28 10:24:39 PM  

sgh46: My toiled splashes a bunch when I flush it, so I just stay seated.


I had a horrifying experience with an automatic toilet in the Philly airport recently, turbo powerwash before I was entirely done with two connections left to go ....

/automatic flushers can DIAF
 
2014-01-28 10:25:30 PM  
If you had one of those Japanese toilets with the remote controlled butt washer I suppose it wouldn't be too hard.
 
2014-01-28 10:26:02 PM  

Ambivalence: how much more water and energy would you be using in washing?.


You just stick them in with the rest of your laundry.

They don't take much room. I use flannel wipes on my kid that's in diapers. They're 4x5 inches each and a week's worth has less mass than an adult T-shirt.
 
2014-01-28 10:28:25 PM  
There was a "you" missing in my previous post.
 
2014-01-28 10:31:30 PM  

47 is the new 42: There was a "you" missing in my previous post.


I'm glad you missed me!
 
2014-01-28 10:33:40 PM  

Krieghund: Ambivalence: how much more water and energy would you be using in washing?.

You just stick them in with the rest of your laundry.

They don't take much room. I use flannel wipes on my kid that's in diapers. They're 4x5 inches each and a week's worth has less mass than an adult T-shirt.


True, but now you're washing shiat rags along with the shirt you'll be wearing later on.
Or, if you're really an earth-saving type, with the handkerchief you'll be putting on your face.
 
2014-01-28 10:35:37 PM  
Poop is ubiquitous.

Ubiquitous butt.

Butt is poop?
 
2014-01-28 10:38:25 PM  

s3.amazonaws.com

 
2014-01-28 10:45:50 PM  
Next time you meet some econazi broad, go check out what kind of toilet paper she uses.
Dollar to doughnuts, its new tree, trilayer ultrasoft.
 
2014-01-28 10:48:19 PM  
How about a squat toilet with a bucket of water beside it?
Billions of people find that adequate, and it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.
 
2014-01-28 10:48:19 PM  
I use brillo pads and diesel like a real man.
 
2014-01-28 10:52:39 PM  
i'm on the thrown right now, so getting a kick out of this one
what realy sucks is only having the last piece that is glued to the rool
 
2014-01-28 10:52:45 PM  

whatshisname: How about a squat toilet with a bucket of water beside it?
Billions of people find that adequate, and it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.


nowsourcing.com
 
2014-01-28 10:53:57 PM  
Know how you recycle toilet paper?
Let Mr. Whipple squeeze the shiat out of it.
 
2014-01-28 10:56:27 PM  
Around here we just call em "Mexicans".
 
2014-01-28 10:58:16 PM  
esg6rzdhdg9i115s.zippykid.netdna-cdn.com
 
2014-01-28 10:59:47 PM  
Now this is what SALON was cut out for,  articles about toilet paper.
 
2014-01-28 11:00:24 PM  

Foxxinnia: So are these the people who do that anal bleaching thing I've heard about?


Completely different group of people...  I would think anyway.

Flannel TP using hippies aren't going to care that their cornhole is too brown.
 
2014-01-28 11:00:45 PM  
content.costco.com
FTW.
 
2014-01-28 11:01:18 PM  
Look, people, just because you CAN do it that way doesn't mean there isn't a BETTER way, okay?

Because EW.
 
2014-01-28 11:01:27 PM  
Unintended consequences : More harm is done environmentally in the growth of cotton and processing into flannel than taking a tree to TP. (having been in the paper industry for 35 years and competing against cotton).
 
2014-01-28 11:04:46 PM  

Gyrfalcon: Look, people, just because you CAN do it that way doesn't mean there isn't a BETTER way, okay?

Because EW.


Better under which circumstances? Yours?
 
2014-01-28 11:07:56 PM  

uber humper: whatshisname: it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.

[doing it wrong]


I'm wracking my brain trying to think of any other cleaning task we do: personal, dishes, clothes, counters, windows... anything... where "rub it with a dry piece of paper" is generally considered effective.  So far, I've got eyeglasses (with lens paper anyway). Maybe a seasoned cast iron skillet?
 
2014-01-28 11:09:00 PM  

God--: Bidet's.... Better than toilet paper any day...


How is splashing shiat all over the place better?

whatshisname: How about a squat toilet with a bucket of water beside it?
Billions of people find that adequate, and it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.


How many of those people don't wash their hands after meagerly splashing dirty water on their ass
 
2014-01-28 11:12:42 PM  

gfid: How many of those people don't wash their hands after meagerly splashing dirty water on their ass


There's that too. Try and find a piece of soap at an Indian washroom....try and find a dry place to step in an Indian washroom. But that's beside the point. Westerners with access to proper sanitation could easily adopt the ass-washing technique and not use any resources other than fresh water.
 
2014-01-28 11:14:22 PM  

Lawnchair: uber humper: whatshisname: it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.

[doing it wrong]

I'm wracking my brain trying to think of any other cleaning task we do: personal, dishes, clothes, counters, windows... anything... where "rub it with a dry piece of paper" is generally considered effective.  So far, I've got eyeglasses (with lens paper anyway). Maybe a seasoned cast iron skillet?


Wet wipes are soooo nice!

/can't afford a bidet
//can afford to wreck the sewers
///lives in brand new area,  hopefully the sewers can take them
 
2014-01-28 11:15:07 PM  

whatshisname: How about a squat toilet with a bucket of water beside it?
Billions of people find that adequate, and it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.


I came here to say this.  I spent 3 months in SEAsia and this was the norm.  I brought a big supply of wetnaps, but eventually just went native.  Turns out the folks in those parts think we are filthy, filthy people because we don't wash our heinies afterwards.  Paper?   Nasty.

Just don't EVER touch anyone with your left hand.  Or eat with it, of course.
 
2014-01-28 11:17:13 PM  

Lawnchair: uber humper: whatshisname: it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.

[doing it wrong]

I'm wracking my brain trying to think of any other cleaning task we do: personal, dishes, clothes, counters, windows... anything... where "rub it with a dry piece of paper" is generally considered effective.  So far, I've got eyeglasses (with lens paper anyway). Maybe a seasoned cast iron skillet?


www.bizwipes.com

Well, work on your pitch and you can get a job with these guys.

/get enough fiber and it shouldn't be an issue. In an expert's hands, one piece of TP, correctly folded (points for detail work), should suffice.
 
2014-01-28 11:17:43 PM  
Wait a minute, you're supposed to wipe it?


Well this explains a lot.
 
2014-01-28 11:20:28 PM  

missmez: whatshisname: How about a squat toilet with a bucket of water beside it?
Billions of people find that adequate, and it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.

I came here to say this.  I spent 3 months in SEAsia and this was the norm.  I brought a big supply of wetnaps, but eventually just went native.  Turns out the folks in those parts think we are filthy, filthy people because we don't wash our heinies afterwards.  Paper?   Nasty.

Just don't EVER touch anyone with your left hand.  Or eat with it, of course.


csb

I had surgery on my right wrist and had my arm in a cast for about 2 months

/learning to wipe left handed was one of the hardest things I've ever done
//but I can now travel to the middle-east and be proper, so it wasn't a complete waste of time

/csb
 
2014-01-28 11:22:48 PM  
Lots of people don't use toilet paper. Muslims use water, and in many countries there are spray hoses right next to the toilet.
 
2014-01-28 11:24:15 PM  

Bonobo62: I only use toilet paper I've stolen from Starbucks' restrooms.  Does that count?


Hey, I worked at a ski resort and I saved the partial toilet paper rolls that I changed out. Not even all of them, just whenever I thought about it. I have enough toilet paper for a couple of years.

Toilet paper costs money.

/Used cloth diapers too.
 
2014-01-28 11:25:43 PM  
www.funfive.net
 
2014-01-28 11:26:42 PM  

cryinoutloud: Toilet paper costs money.
/Used cloth diapers too.


I mean that I used cloth diapers when my kid was little, not that I got used diapers at the ski resort. That would be stupid. Babies don't ski.
 
2014-01-28 11:31:40 PM  

cryinoutloud: Babies don't ski.


image.blingee.com
 
2014-01-28 11:38:05 PM  
This is a quality poop thread.  Good ideas all around.
 
2014-01-28 11:42:29 PM  

serial arseonist: This is a quality poop thread.  Good ideas all around.


I guess I should add this:
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the
process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal,
following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch
at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with
subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order
for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have
numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:
0.Occupied.
1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
2.Poo on seat.
3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and
sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful shiatter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds
of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone
conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of
Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. shiatter was blathering to Mrs. shiatter about the shiatty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer
cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded
with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not
unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency
of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's
continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the
bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had
ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear
that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear
that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and
blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in
me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later,
in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,
all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made
themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...
in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..."
followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at
the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding
down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear
words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I
could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal
announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily
into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a
fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage.
I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew
that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that
unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.
Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom
with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a
face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.
 
2014-01-28 11:50:00 PM  

uber humper: 47 is the new 42: There was a "you" missing in my previous post.

I'm glad you missed me!


And now that post makes no sense.
 
2014-01-28 11:50:28 PM  
1. Pull a clump (about 3/4 of an inch) of tri-folded paper towels from the dispenser (try not to touch the dispenser as scores of previous users have probably left plenty of fecal matter on it).  There's a whole different procedure when dealing with paper towel rolls. I can fill you in on this later if you'd like. My usual defecation location has nice white tri-fold towels measuring approximately  9" square, so that's what I've used to develop my primary method.  With practice you can reach in and coax out an entire stack.

2. Turn on the hot water tap before laying out 2 stacks of 4 towels spread flat on the counter.  Dry the counter before beginning if necessary.  With practice you can have 3 or 4 extra towels that can be used for this purpose or for wiping up any water you may get on the counter while you're preparing your materials.. Lay every other sheet 90 degrees to the last so that your stacks don't simply fold up along the fold lines.  If you hold the clump between your thumb on top, and your middle, ring and pinky fingers on the bottom, you can crease each towel as you pull it out, making your hand in effect a form of paper towel dispenser - this helps to keep the towels from trying to assume their original folded shape.  You'll still have to move fast as the last sheet on each clump will definitely be trying to fold itself over.

3. Take one of the stacks and shoot 3 - 4 squirts of liquid soap into it and put it under the hot water stream, cupping the stack and swishing the soapy water around in the "cup" formed by your hand.  In short order the entire towel will be saturated.   Hold the stack by 2 corners and let droop while rinsing off any excess soap with the hot water stream.  It may be necessary to do this from both sides of the stack depending on the characteristics of the liquid soap, how much you used, etc.   If the basin is shallow you have to take care not to let the paper towels touch the sink itself during this part of the procedure.

3. Deftly flop the wet, soapy stack of towels sqarely on top of the dry stack and quickly pick up both before the wet stack can soak through the dry stack, thereby avoiding having whatever germs may be on the counter getting onto your towels.  You've now created what I like to call the "pack".

4. Fold the pack in half, then in half again, then in half again while proceeding to the middle stall. You'll want to get to this point fairly quickly - 15 or 20 seconds max to avoid having to awkwardly explain to any other bathroom users why you've got this scientific experiment going on the counter.  Also, if someone comes in before you've secured the middle stall, you may need to ditch the pack and locate a bathroom on another floor.  Suffice it to say, don't be lollygagging.  If you're like me and hate to pull away from what you're doing until you're in the midst of a colonic emergency, you should have no problem moving smartly.

5.  As you're walking, you need only to give the pack a roll (like a big fattie) to be able to wedge it into the space between the top (longer, straighter) part of the coat hook and the lower (shorter, more curved) part of the coat hook on the back of the stall door.  Close the stall door behind you, remove or arrange your clothing as necessary and take care of business.  What Marcus Aurelius said.  If you plan on enjoying a good long squat you may want to do a preemptive swipe with the toilet paper after you've evacuated to minimize the amount of dried fecal matter around your anus and in any hair existing at that location.

6. When you're ready to return to the fray, do your typical schmear with whatever paper is supplied in the stall, cleaning as thoroughly as you can then stand up and take hold of your pack. This is the good part.  Unfold the pack until it is a flat stack of 8 towels and tear it in half.  Roll up one half and place it in the coat hook (since it is thinner now you may need to balance it to keep it from falling onto the floor while you're using the other half of the pack.  Although there is a procedure if the second pack hits the floor, taking a little care will virtually eliminate the problem).  Take the other half and lay it over your wiping hand.  I'm right handed so I start with my right hand.  Slap that thing on your taint and swipe upward, letting the ends of your fingers follow the contour of your crack while your palm cups inner part of your buttock.  Go as high as you feel is necessary to cleanse the area.

7.  Here's where personal styles will vary.  After soiling the surface of the outer towel of your pack half, you can either fold the entire pack half back in half again or you can fold the single soiled towel over itself while folding the other three (3) towels in the opposite direction; either method isolates the fecal matter giving you another clean surface for a second wipe.  The latter method allows for a third and, if necessary, fourth wipe, but the chances for direct contact with your wast are greater.  The nature and volume of the waste will factor into your decision in this regard.  Examine the wiping surface carefully after each pass to determine the progrss and success of the operation.  Once you've achieved the level of cleanliness you desire you can drop the pack half into the toilet..

8.  Repeat the action using the second stack half, this time using your other hand (in my case, my left or non-dominant hand).  Again, dispose of the second pack half as above.  Depending upon the nature of the toilet you may need to dispose of the pack halves in two or more flushes; a toilet with very poor flow may necessitate dismantling the pack into even smaller component parts in order to avoid a clog.

Let me know if you want to know how I deal with those crappy thin brown paper towels, or rolled towels from dispensers (especially the ones that create single sheets by making mechanical perforations every 6 or 8 inches.
 
2014-01-28 11:51:09 PM  
The whole point of TFA, I think, is to be greener. So I don't think that a remote controlled toilet with heated seat, sound effects, power wash, and a blow dry is greener than a few squares of TP. Although it does look like a lot more fun.
 
2014-01-28 11:52:08 PM  
)
 
2014-01-28 11:53:17 PM  
www.artwallpaperhi.com
 
2014-01-28 11:55:36 PM  

Alleyoop: [www.artwallpaperhi.com image 420x262]


What would MacGyver do?


Sock.
 
2014-01-29 12:04:26 AM  

pnkgtr: Killing yourself may be the 'greenest' thing you could do.


1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-01-29 12:06:57 AM  
1.bp.blogspot.com

Recyclable Toilet Paper brought to you by Monsanto
 
2014-01-29 12:10:28 AM  

DigitalCoffee: The whole point of TFA, I think, is to be greener. So I don't think that a remote controlled toilet with heated seat, sound effects, power wash, and a blow dry is greener than a few squares of TP. Although it does look like a lot more fun.


Is it?  I'm guessing paper is considered a renewable resource, with most, if not all, coming from trees that are replanted. Electricity for the dryer is made from what -- burnt coal?

/a lot more watts go into a 30 sec dry than a few squares of TP
 
2014-01-29 12:27:53 AM  

DigitalCoffee: The whole point of TFA, I think, is to be greener. So I don't think that a remote controlled toilet with heated seat, sound effects, power wash, and a blow dry is greener than a few squares of TP. Although it does look like a lot more fun.


Shhh. This is America. We can save the planet by consuming more. It just has to be right things. And you don't own them yet.
 
2014-01-29 12:32:30 AM  

Prophet of Loss: [www.websophist.com image 464x361]


img.fark.net
 
2014-01-29 12:52:56 AM  
I'd love it if bidets were common in America. TP is useful, too.

Cue the "Why not both?" girl.
 
hej
2014-01-29 12:54:22 AM  

voodoomedic: In case you don't understand how the rest of the world works:

http://youtu.be/dKkryfdtMNQ


CSB;  I cleaned my sons ass in the same fashion when he pooped his diaper, rather than using a bunch of wet wipes.  It was far more efficient and I was surprised by just how easily water rinsed the crap off.  I always assumed people would flip out if I told them I did this, though.
 
2014-01-29 12:59:46 AM  
iamhilarious.com
 
2014-01-29 01:15:52 AM  
Did I miss;

1) shiat

2) Shower

3) Heel down drain??????

Threads too long to read now.
 
2014-01-29 01:17:58 AM  
afrocityblog.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-01-29 01:22:51 AM  
Does your right hand know what your left hand is doing?
 
2014-01-29 01:42:51 AM  

Dwindle: I use brillo pads and diesel like a real man.


Well, ain't you just the most jumped up, fancy la-di-dah. Yer all up 'n usin' them store-bought Barillo pads; jus' too dang good to use the pine cones like little baby Jesus planned. I will admit using diesel is an interesting move. We just did our best with pine sap mixed with a bit 'o bear grease.
 
2014-01-29 01:55:03 AM  

Writerly Redoubt: Gyrfalcon: Look, people, just because you CAN do it that way doesn't mean there isn't a BETTER way, okay?

Because EW.

Better under which circumstances? Yours?


Go away, alt boy.

[pat pat pat]
 
2014-01-29 02:06:58 AM  
Just go wash your ass with water and soap or shampoo. Don't tell me people simply wipe with tissue without washing and soaping/shampooing their ass?
 
2014-01-29 02:09:51 AM  

GreenSun: Just go wash your ass with water and soap or shampoo. Don't tell me people simply wipe with tissue without washing and soaping/shampooing their ass?


Wait... like get it wet? With water?

I dunno,... that sounds scary.
 
2014-01-29 02:20:57 AM  
for every roll of toilet paper they don't use, i will use 3.
 
2014-01-29 02:50:33 AM  
you could probably moisten the roll core and use it just as well or better than TP. MacGyver would probably wipe his ass with the sole of his shoe.
 
2014-01-29 02:54:04 AM  
A low cost, environmentally friendly, and effective alternative to toilet paper or the bidet: a recycled dish detergent bottle, rinsed and filled with warm water. Use it to squirt yourself clean.

Ta da!
 
2014-01-29 03:27:31 AM  

TinyFist: I just have a bunch of subscriptions to like Maxim and Vogue, etc. that come with those perfume scented ads in them. Just rip one of those pages out and wipe once or twice and you're shower fresh all day.


Steal the Gideon Bible from hotels.   They WANT you to take it.    Mostly they're printed on cheap uncoated paper... nice and absorbent, unlike glossy magazine paper.    Tear out as many pages as you need.
 
2014-01-29 03:33:14 AM  

MrHappyRotter: Yes, toilet paper is bad, but condoms are outright awful for the environment.  That's why I make heavy use of reduce, reuse and recycle for my prophylactic needs.  That plastic sandwich bag you wrapped your bologna sandwich in for lunch today?  To me, that's the perfect wrapper for my hog.  The old pair of mismatched socks you donated to Goodwill?  That got me through many an AIDSless night.


CSB time.

A while back I was screwing a girl who had a bit of an environmental streak to her. I also knew she desperately wanted a baby. So not only did I wrap it up with my own condoms, but I also quickly flushed them down the toilet after the act. She complained bitterly about how bad that was for the environment but I just told her "S.O.P., not leaving my genetic material laying around in your trash bin." She wasn't happy. But the sex was still good...

/CSB
 
2014-01-29 06:21:44 AM  
There hasn't always been feminine napkins or tampons either.  Why do you think they call it "being on the rag"?  Whatever they want, they can just keep that part to themselves.
 
2014-01-29 07:27:08 AM  

buzzcut73: InfrasonicTom: namegoeshere: Does Sears even put out a catalogue anymore?

does sears even anymore

Slightly off topic, but it's been said before. Sears was Amazon before Bezos was even a twinkle in his great-grandaddy's eye. How they managed to fark that up is anybody's guess, but they already had the infrastructure and logistics sorted out, but instead they killed the whole catalog business right when the internet was taking off.


There was a time you could buy your house out of the Sears catalog.
 
2014-01-29 08:24:46 AM  

voodoomedic: In case you don't understand how the rest of the world works:

http://youtu.be/dKkryfdtMNQ


Most excellent video. Is there a place that I can send off and request a training certificate? Note to self: Take (my own) bathroom soap to India.
 
2014-01-29 08:27:36 AM  

buzzcut73: InfrasonicTom: namegoeshere: Does Sears even put out a catalogue anymore?

does sears even anymore

Slightly off topic, but it's been said before. Sears was Amazon before Bezos was even a twinkle in his great-grandaddy's eye. How they managed to fark that up is anybody's guess, but they already had the infrastructure and logistics sorted out, but instead they killed the whole catalog business right when the internet was taking off.


Warranties. Sears tried to warrant everything. That is the opposite of the Internet.
 
2014-01-29 08:36:04 AM  

voodoomedic: TinyFist: voodoomedic: In case you don't understand how the rest of the world works:

http://youtu.be/dKkryfdtMNQ

I ain't clicking that link. Nope. I'm not the smartest man on the planet, but noooo....

Then here's a link for the rest of you....the amazing Japanese (SFW!)

http://youtu.be/AkZeYLXWZlM


That was excellent. Saiko!
 
2014-01-29 08:42:43 AM  

Lawnchair: uber humper: whatshisname: it is arguably cleaner than smearing shiat across your ass with a piece of paper.

[doing it wrong]

I'm wracking my brain trying to think of any other cleaning task we do: personal, dishes, clothes, counters, windows... anything... where "rub it with a dry piece of paper" is generally considered effective.  So far, I've got eyeglasses (with lens paper anyway). Maybe a seasoned cast iron skillet?


Windows are best cleaned with newspaper.
/Do you remember those?
 
2014-01-29 08:49:30 AM  

whatshisname: gfid: How many of those people don't wash their hands after meagerly splashing dirty water on their ass

There's that too. Try and find a piece of soap at an Indian washroom....try and find a dry place to step in an Indian washroom. But that's beside the point. Westerners with access to proper sanitation could easily adopt the ass-washing technique and not use any resources other than fresh water.


Hmmm maybe, but I think us westerners would prefer a Starfishbucks cleanse at $5.50 a pop (or poop).

You know - a smooth, balanced brew from a specialty roast of blended coffees in venti size poured down our backsides while we gently scrub our dirty dirty privates with one of those things they sell as a cake pop.
/you can also get one of those ass-scrapers that they give away at the counter - can also be charged with money to purchase your mocha latte bidet.
 
2014-01-29 09:19:01 AM  

some_beer_drinker: for every roll of toilet paper they don't use, i will use 3.


And when you clog your toilet with all your toilet paper, I will laugh three times as long, since I just stole your toilet plunger.
 
2014-01-29 11:10:38 AM  
This is why I always do a full wash after #2.  Depending on your personal...er...schedule, this may not always be convenient but as long as you are diligent it becomes less of an issue over time.

The trick is getting your entire ass under the faucet when you are in public restrooms.  To do this, I advise removing all your clothes, climbing up on the counter so that your legs are resting against the mirror and your ass is sitting on the edge of the sink.  An added benefit of this position is that you can do an impromptu examination for speed bumps, pimples, or anything else that's not supposed to be there.  After you have finished the look-over, you just need to use your thumb to angle the faucet spray into your nether regions.  It may take a couple of mouthfuls of water to get the hang of it, but if you keep trying you will become an expert.
 
2014-01-29 11:40:47 AM  

Lawnchair: I'm wracking my brain trying to think of any other cleaning task we do: personal, dishes, clothes, counters, windows... anything... where "rub it with a dry piece of paper" is generally considered effective.  So far, I've got eyeglasses (with lens paper anyway). Maybe a seasoned cast iron skillet?


Most people don't attempt to eat off their anus, or go touching it continuously throughout the day, so the standard of cleanliness .

/ Which is unfortunate, because they're missing out
 
2014-01-29 02:39:59 PM  

itsaidwhat: whatshisname: gfid: How many of those people don't wash their hands after meagerly splashing dirty water on their ass

There's that too. Try and find a piece of soap at an Indian washroom....try and find a dry place to step in an Indian washroom. But that's beside the point. Westerners with access to proper sanitation could easily adopt the ass-washing technique and not use any resources other than fresh water.

Hmmm maybe, but I think us westerners would prefer a Starfishbucks cleanse at $5.50 a pop (or poop).

You know - a smooth, balanced brew from a specialty roast of blended coffees in venti size poured down our backsides while we gently scrub our dirty dirty privates with one of those things they sell as a cake pop.
/you can also get one of those ass-scrapers that they give away at the counter - can also be charged with money to purchase your mocha latte bidet.


And if a little bit trickles in, hey, you get that caffeine all the faster.
 
2014-01-29 06:34:19 PM  

Mikey1969: Goddammit, another news story that's only available as a video? Is it too much to ask that the news is presented in text format? If I want video, I'll watch TV.


No, because then you might decide based on arguments and facts, instead of how good looking and forceful the speaker is.
 
2014-01-29 10:07:58 PM  

oukewldave: There's apparently what I assume is an old Russian joke (The guy who liked to tell it all the time is Ukrainian...) about only using a very small piece of paper to wipe.  You first rip off a corner of the paper and save it as it is very important.  Then, you stick your finger through the piece of paper and "wipe".  You then take your piece you ripped off to clean under your finger nails.


I heard Karl Pilkington tell that one on XFM, he claimed his brother in the military had told him about it, and it was a military trick.

/head like a farking orange
 
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