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(NPR)   New study shows that many women are still completely clueless when it comes to knowing the best ways to get pregnant, need GOP to convene a special panel of experts to mansplain it to them   (npr.org) divider line 26
    More: Interesting, GOP, judicial panel, Yale School of Medicine, American Society for Reproductive Medicine, sperm counts, experts  
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7017 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Jan 2014 at 5:00 PM (42 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-27 05:00:18 PM  
26 votes:
In any case, the larger issue here is how utterly sad it is that so many people out there don't even understand the fundamentals of human biology, especially in regards to something as intrinsic as basic reproduction. It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of rampant misinformation out there about "oooh, this position is best," or "this technique is a sure-fire way that works." It's human nature, I guess, to look for even the most illogical promise in the face of difficulty. Maybe that explains why so many wars have been fought over religion, I don't know. But if you're trying to get pregnant, just remember that, despite everything people will tell you about reverse cowgirl this and doggy style that and scissoring and 69 and what have you, there's one position out there that's tried, true, and as close to a guaranteed pregnancy as you can get -- missionary. You want her legs drawn up high, as high as she can get them. Near her ears, if she's flexible enough. If her sister's there, you can actually have her (the sister, I mean) help hold the legs back. On those times when there's a fourth person in the room (man or woman, it doesn't really matter, whatever floats your boat), you'll want them giving you as deep a prostate massage as they can manage. What this will do is ensure a stronger climax. Stronger climax, deeper penetration of sperm. Deeper penetration of sperm...well, you get the picture.

Now, the important thing post-orgasm is the resting phase. Don't just allow the woman you're trying to impregnate to jump back into the mix. The rest of you have fun for a while; what she should do is slowly slide backward over the edge of the bed into a headstand. If she can't manage a full headstand, that's fine -- she can use the side of the bed to hold herself up. What you want to imagine at this point is a ketchup bottle -- the more you turn it over, the faster that thick, dollopy ketchup inside will flow. You can help the process by tapping on her abdomen the way you do the side of a bottle of Heinz. Not too hard or anything, just, you know, firm pats. If you have any heat sources nearby (matches, portable heaters, etc.), those can also help the flow because heat makes the liquid less viscous -- ie, it flows faster. Just be careful not to burn her.

A lot of people want to know how long this resting phase should last. Well, there's no real answer other than to say that, as with so many things in life, longer is better. Most experts recommend a half hour, minimum, of headstand combined with abdominal tapping and heat. Some abnormally fertile women require much less. Others require much more. But if at first you don't succeed, well, try, try again.
2014-01-27 04:03:12 PM  
8 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?


I'm guessing hit has something to do with lack of oxygen to the fetus.
2014-01-27 05:55:24 PM  
5 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?


Well, when a Job Creator and a Sandwich Creator love each other tolerate each other for long enough, the man, responding to his natural urges, forces himself onto a woman. Then, assuming she feels an appropriate amount of shame (not too much, or she might shut that whole thing down), she subsumes the Job Creator's homunculus into her tummy, where 9 months later (assuming your faith in The One True God is unshaken), it pops out healthy and happy.

Like Cuato.
2014-01-27 06:13:09 PM  
4 votes:
Well you need to open your rose petals and put your hubby's rowdy general inside and do bouncy bouncy until his nutbladder goes splurt splurt with his musk blessings into your baby hammock.
2014-01-27 04:14:17 PM  
4 votes:

The Stealth Hippopotamus: /no idea why this went partisan


Really? No idea at all? Not even the tiniest inkling?
2014-01-27 05:49:19 PM  
3 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?


When a daddy and a caucus and giant pile of money love each other VERY much...
2014-01-27 04:06:28 PM  
3 votes:

ManateeGag: MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?

I'm guessing hit has something to do with lack of oxygen to the fetus.


I don't know. But at least with a Republican baby you can ask the father....

/no idea why this went partisan
2014-01-27 06:38:21 PM  
2 votes:
i306.photobucket.com
2014-01-27 06:34:52 PM  
2 votes:
I had a coworker explain to me on a plane to a customer site that he was pissed to have to come on the trip because his wife was about to ovulate, and he would miss the opportunity to have a girl because Y-chromosomed spermatozoas are faster, but die first, so if you have sex before the woman ovulates, there are more X spermatozoas left to fertilize the egg, but if you have sex after the ovulation, the Ys get there first.

I facepalmed so hard, I almost hurt myself.

On an unrelated note, I had a mental freudian slip and almost wrote X-Wing and Y-wing in the above paragraph.
2014-01-27 05:36:23 PM  
2 votes:
It was Colonel Mustard with a penis.
2014-01-27 03:48:49 PM  
2 votes:
Penis goes where?
2014-01-27 08:43:14 PM  
1 votes:
FYI, male experts are called mansperts. Which, ironically enough, is exactly how women get pregnant.
2014-01-27 08:31:14 PM  
1 votes:
Aestatis
Evolutionarily, during stress, having a higher female to male ratio makes sense again; one surviving male can impregnate many females.


"Kif, clear my schedule!"
i.imgur.com
2014-01-27 07:03:28 PM  
1 votes:
www.planetsforkids.org
2014-01-27 06:59:43 PM  
1 votes:
A friend of mine once told me about his little dumb ass sister.  She was about fifteen and got pregnant.  When questioned by her parents and doctors she admitted she didn't use birth control or condoms with her boyfriend.  Her reason?  "But, I'm too skinny!  My hips are too narrow to have a baby!  I thought my body wouldn't let me get pregnant if I couldn't have a baby!"  And this was years before we as a nation knew that the female body had ways of trying to shut that whole thing down.  She wasn't even from some third world abstinence hell hole like Texas.  She lived in Washington state.
2014-01-27 06:54:24 PM  
1 votes:

Dr Dreidel: MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?

Well, when a Job Creator and a Sandwich Creator tolerate each other for long enough, the man, responding to his natural urges, forces himself onto a woman. Then, assuming she feels an appropriate amount of shame (not too much, or she might shut that whole thing down), she subsumes the Job Creator's homunculus into her tummy, where 9 months later (assuming your faith in The One True God is unshaken), it pops out healthy and happy.

Like Cuato.


No disrespect to Pocket Ninja, but I like this one best.
2014-01-27 06:45:43 PM  
1 votes:
2014-01-27 06:34:45 PM  
1 votes:
i1048.photobucket.com
2014-01-27 05:42:43 PM  
1 votes:
i.imgur.com
2014-01-27 05:24:33 PM  
1 votes:
Best way is to have the lady drink alcohol before just before she swallows.  You see, the alcohol will kill everything and clear a path for the sperm to get to where it needs to go.
2014-01-27 05:21:00 PM  
1 votes:
A bigger problem is women who can't figure out how to not get pregnant.
2014-01-27 05:20:04 PM  
1 votes:
B-E-S-U-R-E-T-O-D-R-I-N-K-Y-O-U-R-O-V-U-L-T-I-N-E
2014-01-27 05:05:21 PM  
1 votes:
img.fark.net
2014-01-27 05:03:28 PM  
1 votes:
A surprisingly high number of women ages 18 to 40 are a bit clueless about the ins-and-outs of baby-making.

3.bp.blogspot.com
2014-01-27 04:33:59 PM  
1 votes:
Well since they can't get pregnant if they're on top, the answer is obviously to be on the bottom.
2014-01-27 03:53:39 PM  
1 votes:
If at first you don't succeed, fark, fark again.
 
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