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(NPR)   New study shows that many women are still completely clueless when it comes to knowing the best ways to get pregnant, need GOP to convene a special panel of experts to mansplain it to them   (npr.org) divider line 91
    More: Interesting, GOP, judicial panel, Yale School of Medicine, American Society for Reproductive Medicine, sperm counts, experts  
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7012 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Jan 2014 at 5:00 PM (30 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



91 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-01-27 03:48:49 PM
Penis goes where?
 
2014-01-27 03:50:48 PM
Best way to get pregnant?

Be hot, don't be choosey
 
2014-01-27 03:53:08 PM
How is republican babby formed?
 
2014-01-27 03:53:39 PM
If at first you don't succeed, fark, fark again.
 
2014-01-27 04:03:12 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?


I'm guessing hit has something to do with lack of oxygen to the fetus.
 
2014-01-27 04:06:28 PM

ManateeGag: MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?

I'm guessing hit has something to do with lack of oxygen to the fetus.


I don't know. But at least with a Republican baby you can ask the father....

/no idea why this went partisan
 
2014-01-27 04:14:17 PM

The Stealth Hippopotamus: /no idea why this went partisan


Really? No idea at all? Not even the tiniest inkling?
 
2014-01-27 04:33:59 PM
Well since they can't get pregnant if they're on top, the answer is obviously to be on the bottom.
 
2014-01-27 05:00:18 PM
In any case, the larger issue here is how utterly sad it is that so many people out there don't even understand the fundamentals of human biology, especially in regards to something as intrinsic as basic reproduction. It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of rampant misinformation out there about "oooh, this position is best," or "this technique is a sure-fire way that works." It's human nature, I guess, to look for even the most illogical promise in the face of difficulty. Maybe that explains why so many wars have been fought over religion, I don't know. But if you're trying to get pregnant, just remember that, despite everything people will tell you about reverse cowgirl this and doggy style that and scissoring and 69 and what have you, there's one position out there that's tried, true, and as close to a guaranteed pregnancy as you can get -- missionary. You want her legs drawn up high, as high as she can get them. Near her ears, if she's flexible enough. If her sister's there, you can actually have her (the sister, I mean) help hold the legs back. On those times when there's a fourth person in the room (man or woman, it doesn't really matter, whatever floats your boat), you'll want them giving you as deep a prostate massage as they can manage. What this will do is ensure a stronger climax. Stronger climax, deeper penetration of sperm. Deeper penetration of sperm...well, you get the picture.

Now, the important thing post-orgasm is the resting phase. Don't just allow the woman you're trying to impregnate to jump back into the mix. The rest of you have fun for a while; what she should do is slowly slide backward over the edge of the bed into a headstand. If she can't manage a full headstand, that's fine -- she can use the side of the bed to hold herself up. What you want to imagine at this point is a ketchup bottle -- the more you turn it over, the faster that thick, dollopy ketchup inside will flow. You can help the process by tapping on her abdomen the way you do the side of a bottle of Heinz. Not too hard or anything, just, you know, firm pats. If you have any heat sources nearby (matches, portable heaters, etc.), those can also help the flow because heat makes the liquid less viscous -- ie, it flows faster. Just be careful not to burn her.

A lot of people want to know how long this resting phase should last. Well, there's no real answer other than to say that, as with so many things in life, longer is better. Most experts recommend a half hour, minimum, of headstand combined with abdominal tapping and heat. Some abnormally fertile women require much less. Others require much more. But if at first you don't succeed, well, try, try again.
 
2014-01-27 05:02:46 PM
I could be mistaken, but last I heard it frequently involves repeated applications of penis.
 
2014-01-27 05:03:28 PM
A surprisingly high number of women ages 18 to 40 are a bit clueless about the ins-and-outs of baby-making.

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-01-27 05:03:48 PM

Pocket Ninja: In any case, the larger issue here is how utterly sad it is that so many people out there don't even understand the fundamentals of human biology, especially in regards to something as intrinsic as basic reproduction. It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of rampant misinformation out there about "oooh, this position is best," or "this technique is a sure-fire way that works." It's human nature, I guess, to look for even the most illogical promise in the face of difficulty. Maybe that explains why so many wars have been fought over religion, I don't know. But if you're trying to get pregnant, just remember that, despite everything people will tell you about reverse cowgirl this and doggy style that and scissoring and 69 and what have you, there's one position out there that's tried, true, and as close to a guaranteed pregnancy as you can get -- missionary. You want her legs drawn up high, as high as she can get them. Near her ears, if she's flexible enough. If her sister's there, you can actually have her (the sister, I mean) help hold the legs back. On those times when there's a fourth person in the room (man or woman, it doesn't really matter, whatever floats your boat), you'll want them giving you as deep a prostate massage as they can manage. What this will do is ensure a stronger climax. Stronger climax, deeper penetration of sperm. Deeper penetration of sperm...well, you get the picture.

Now, the important thing post-orgasm is the resting phase. Don't just allow the woman you're trying to impregnate to jump back into the mix. The rest of you have fun for a while; what she should do is slowly slide backward over the edge of the bed into a headstand. If she can't manage a full headstand, that's fine -- she can use the side of the bed to hold herself up. What you want to imagine at this point is a ketchup bottle -- the more you turn it over, the faster that thick, dollopy ketchup inside will flow. You can help the process by tapping on her abdomen the way you ...


I'll.....be in my bunk.
 
2014-01-27 05:04:43 PM

Pocket Ninja: In any case, the larger issue here is how utterly sad it is that so many people out there don't even understand the fundamentals of human biology, especially in regards to something as intrinsic as basic reproduction. It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of rampant misinformation out there about "oooh, this position is best," or "this technique is a sure-fire way that works." It's human nature, I guess, to look for even the most illogical promise in the face of difficulty. Maybe that explains why so many wars have been fought over religion, I don't know. But if you're trying to get pregnant, just remember that, despite everything people will tell you about reverse cowgirl this and doggy style that and scissoring and 69 and what have you, there's one position out there that's tried, true, and as close to a guaranteed pregnancy as you can get -- missionary. You want her legs drawn up high, as high as she can get them. Near her ears, if she's flexible enough. If her sister's there, you can actually have her (the sister, I mean) help hold the legs back. On those times when there's a fourth person in the room (man or woman, it doesn't really matter, whatever floats your boat), you'll want them giving you as deep a prostate massage as they can manage. What this will do is ensure a stronger climax. Stronger climax, deeper penetration of sperm. Deeper penetration of sperm...well, you get the picture.

Now, the important thing post-orgasm is the resting phase. Don't just allow the woman you're trying to impregnate to jump back into the mix. The rest of you have fun for a while; what she should do is slowly slide backward over the edge of the bed into a headstand. If she can't manage a full headstand, that's fine -- she can use the side of the bed to hold herself up. What you want to imagine at this point is a ketchup bottle -- the more you turn it over, the faster that thick, dollopy ketchup inside will flow. You can help the process by tapping on her abdomen the way you ...


can the pat be more of a spank?  and more on the bum?
 
2014-01-27 05:05:21 PM
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-27 05:06:13 PM
Another day, another Pocket Ninja win.
 
2014-01-27 05:10:04 PM

Pocket Ninja: In any case, the larger issue here is how utterly sad it is that so many people

...

Slow Clap.

/win
 
2014-01-27 05:11:57 PM
Step 1: Go to bar.

Step 2: Lose Inhibitions, stop acting like astuck up biatch, and cut loose.

Step 3: Bang random dude because he's totes hot and will likely be nice enough to hold your hair for you later when you're puking.

Step 4: Suprise baby!!!!
 
2014-01-27 05:12:31 PM
A lot of the problem is magical thinking. What I mean is; one girl will tell another girl, "yo, gurl, this totes worked 4 me". "Yea, you tie the live salmon to your forehead, just like that.".

This kind of stuff happens even in blue states. They think it won't happen to them; they were very careful; then they trust in these witchdoctory cures. Then they're on the show 16 and pregnant.
 
2014-01-27 05:12:37 PM

Pocket Ninja: Really? No idea at all? Not even the tiniest inkling?


Is this a welcome to Fark deal? Or is there a page two to the article that I missed.

"If position had anything to do with it how the hell are kids getting pregnant in the backs of cars?."
 
2014-01-27 05:12:44 PM
This just in.

If your girlfriend puts a pillow under her butt and tells you it is so she can get more comfortable......flip her over, pump a few and finish the job on her shoulder blades... then leave and never come back
 
2014-01-27 05:17:47 PM

Pocket Ninja: A lot of people want to know how long this resting phase should last. Well, there's no real answer other than to say that, as with so many things in life

the bedroom, longer is better.

/if you know what I mean...
 
2014-01-27 05:18:47 PM
Pocket Ninja...you're my hero.
 
2014-01-27 05:20:04 PM
B-E-S-U-R-E-T-O-D-R-I-N-K-Y-O-U-R-O-V-U-L-T-I-N-E
 
2014-01-27 05:21:00 PM
A bigger problem is women who can't figure out how to not get pregnant.
 
2014-01-27 05:21:39 PM

The Stealth Hippopotamus: Pocket Ninja: Really? No idea at all? Not even the tiniest inkling?

Is this a welcome to Fark deal? Or is there a page two to the article that I missed.

"If position had anything to do with it how the hell are kids getting pregnant in the backs of cars?."


Pretty sure PN's referring to the GOP party ignorant stances on things like promoting abstinence-only sex ed and making both birth control and abortion harder to access. Because condoms make Jesus cry, or something.
 
2014-01-27 05:22:20 PM

UrukHaiGuyz: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Pocket Ninja: Really? No idea at all? Not even the tiniest inkling?

Is this a welcome to Fark deal? Or is there a page two to the article that I missed.

"If position had anything to do with it how the hell are kids getting pregnant in the backs of cars?."

Pretty sure PN's referring to the GOP's  party ignorant stances on things like promoting abstinence-only sex ed and making both birth control and abortion harder to access. Because condoms make Jesus cry, or something.


FTFM
 
gja [TotalFark]
2014-01-27 05:23:24 PM

Pocket Ninja: Deeper penetration of sperm...well, you get the picture.


Pics or it didn't happen....
 
2014-01-27 05:24:09 PM

Pocket Ninja: But if you're trying to get pregnant, just remember that, despite everything people will tell you about reverse cowgirl this and doggy style that and scissoring and 69 and what have you, there's one position out there that's tried, true, and as close to a guaranteed pregnancy as you can get -- missionary. You want her legs drawn up high, as high as she can get them. Near her ears, if she's flexible enough. If her sister's there, you can actually have her (the sister, I mean) help hold the legs back. On those times when there's a fourth person in the room (man or woman, it doesn't really matter, whatever floats your boat), you'll want them giving you as deep a prostate massage as they can manage. What this will do is ensure a stronger climax. Stronger climax, deeper penetration of sperm. Deeper penetration of sperm...well, you get the picture.


static.guim.co.uk
 
2014-01-27 05:24:33 PM
Best way is to have the lady drink alcohol before just before she swallows.  You see, the alcohol will kill everything and clear a path for the sperm to get to where it needs to go.
 
2014-01-27 05:28:13 PM
PN

connect.cc
 
2014-01-27 05:28:44 PM

The Stealth Hippopotamus: Pocket Ninja: Really? No idea at all? Not even the tiniest inkling?

Is this a welcome to Fark deal? Or is there a page two to the article that I missed.



Pretty sure it's the fact that TFHL itself went partisan.
 
2014-01-27 05:34:05 PM

ManateeGag: MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?

I'm guessing hit has something to do with lack of oxygen to the fetus.


I thought it involved a different orifice.
 
2014-01-27 05:34:42 PM

ManateeGag: MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?

I'm guessing hit has something to do with lack of oxygen to the fetus.


Or excess alcohol.
 
2014-01-27 05:36:23 PM
It was Colonel Mustard with a penis.
 
2014-01-27 05:41:30 PM

Pocket Ninja: In any case

[...]


You put so much time into that, too.
 
2014-01-27 05:42:43 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2014-01-27 05:45:11 PM
And yet, many women still manage to get pregnant. Therefore, it would appear they know quite enough about how to get pregnant.

Preventing pregnancies on the other hand... apparently many are not so good at that.
 
2014-01-27 05:46:46 PM
How to get pregnant in my old neighborhood:

1. Be a 16 year old girl.
2. Have a substance abuse problem.

Guaranteed, you'll have 5 kids by the time you're 21.
 
2014-01-27 05:49:19 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?


When a daddy and a caucus and giant pile of money love each other VERY much...
 
2014-01-27 05:49:34 PM

Nidiot: Preventing pregnancies on the other hand... apparently many are not so good at that.


"Oh gee, and I was on the pill too.  What an amazing fluke that I got pregnant."
 
2014-01-27 05:51:20 PM
Someone just needs to take them aside and show them the basic in and outs of the process.
 
2014-01-27 05:52:07 PM
It's God who makes the babies.  Sex is just the test to confirm baby bakers are the very sluts He warned you about.

At least that's what my pastor at the Church of the Living God for Rebuking Condoms says.
 
2014-01-27 05:55:24 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: How is republican babby formed?


Well, when a Job Creator and a Sandwich Creator love each other tolerate each other for long enough, the man, responding to his natural urges, forces himself onto a woman. Then, assuming she feels an appropriate amount of shame (not too much, or she might shut that whole thing down), she subsumes the Job Creator's homunculus into her tummy, where 9 months later (assuming your faith in The One True God is unshaken), it pops out healthy and happy.

Like Cuato.
 
2014-01-27 05:55:40 PM
Maybe they should ask poor women. They seem to get knocked up the moment some looks 'em over.

/sploosh
 
2014-01-27 05:55:47 PM
democrats should get a jump on this and waste some taxpayer money inventing a super fetus sucking, tiny human spine twisting, needle in the new baby brain abortion machine.
 
2014-01-27 05:59:24 PM
Ha Ha! It's funny cause all GOP members are closet gays.

/nttawwt
//stop denying it though
 
2014-01-27 06:00:55 PM

Launch Code: democrats should get a jump on this and waste some taxpayer money inventing a super fetus sucking, tiny human spine twisting, needle in the new baby brain abortion machine.


Have your teacher read this to you again, because you didn't understand it the first time.
 
2014-01-27 06:07:13 PM
Oh, and also be sure to have your husband/fiancé/life partner/fellow drunken party-goer send their condoms to a cat protection charity:  it's a win-win situation.
 
2014-01-27 06:13:09 PM
Well you need to open your rose petals and put your hubby's rowdy general inside and do bouncy bouncy until his nutbladder goes splurt splurt with his musk blessings into your baby hammock.
 
Rat
2014-01-27 06:16:30 PM
No anal?

©
 
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