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(SlashFilm)   The first Fifty Shades of Grey poster is decidedly underwhelming   (slashfilm.com) divider line 68
    More: Followup, Dakota Johnson, Danny Elfman, Jamie Dornan, movie adaptation  
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9790 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 25 Jan 2014 at 11:06 PM (46 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



68 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-01-25 09:55:32 PM  
50 shades of meh?

*clicks on article*

Aw, c'mon Danny Elfman, what happened? You used to be cool.

Valentine's Day release?

Um, okay, sure, why not?
 
2014-01-25 10:25:36 PM  

quatchi: Aw, c'mon Danny Elfman, what happened? You used to be cool.


When the fark was Danny Elfman cool? Ok, the Batman soundtrack was pretty good. But the circus music he did for everything else Tim Burton directed was farking terminal.

So someone got paid a shiatload of money to make a one sheet of a guy standing with his back turned to the camera. I'm in the wrong business.
 
2014-01-25 10:52:07 PM  
I wonder if they are going to downplay all the rape in the movie version.
 
2014-01-25 11:09:08 PM  
Underwhelming, yeah.

I thought it was some kind of psychological/Wall Street thriller poster.
 
2014-01-25 11:15:58 PM  
 
2014-01-25 11:24:00 PM  

Mugato: quatchi: Aw, c'mon Danny Elfman, what happened? You used to be cool.

When the fark was Danny Elfman cool? Ok, the Batman soundtrack was pretty good. But the circus music he did for everything else Tim Burton directed was farking terminal.

So someone got paid a shiatload of money to make a one sheet of a guy standing with his back turned to the camera. I'm in the wrong business.


Danny Elfman was great when he was fronting Oingo Boingo.
 
2014-01-25 11:33:04 PM  
Will there be some hardcore farking in the movie?  I'm guessing not.
 
2014-01-25 11:41:25 PM  

AeAe: Will there be some hardcore farking in the movie?  I'm guessing not.



I'm guessing Cinemax before 2am levels of farking, bouncing titties, thrusting shots from the back, no penetration shots.  Give it six months though and there should be a pretty depraved version in the local porn shops called "50 shades of jizz" or something, so at least we have that going for us.
 
2014-01-25 11:53:39 PM  

Gyrfalcon: Underwhelming, yeah.

I thought it was some kind of psychological/Wall Street thriller poster.


I'm thinking a psychiatrist who is killing patients and making it look like suicide.
 
2014-01-26 12:14:26 AM  
This movie will suck. People will see it to see nudity and sex but that is about it. People will have forgotten the shiatty book by 2015 too.
 
2014-01-26 12:15:04 AM  

Mister Buttons: AeAe: Will there be some hardcore farking in the movie?  I'm guessing not.


I'm guessing Cinemax before 2am levels of farking, bouncing titties, thrusting shots from the back, no penetration shots.  Give it six months though and there should be a pretty depraved version in the local porn shops called "50 shades of jizz" or something, so at least we have that going for us.


www.anorak.co.uk
Already out, duh.
 
2014-01-26 12:15:56 AM  
Nah, that's a pretty decent poster for the demographic. The market already know what the name means, and the poster is some representation of power that is powerful precisely because they italicized the serif font. It's a declaration that things are traditional and yet up for grabs. Things are common but different. Normal is dangerous and sexy, for reasons that nobody can articulate.

/yeah these books are shiatty, but the poster guys thought a lot about it
 
2014-01-26 12:18:01 AM  

Mugato: When the fark was Danny Elfman cool? Ok, the Batman soundtrack was pretty good. But the circus music he did for everything else Tim Burton directed was farking terminal.


He also did the score for this:
vsa.vassar.edu
 
2014-01-26 12:18:44 AM  
I confess: I'm looking forward to Don and Melanie's daughter's O face. She is attractive. To my penis.
 
2014-01-26 12:28:48 AM  
Yeah, I think I'll just go to Kink.com instead.
 
2014-01-26 12:39:24 AM  
obligatory everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.
 
2014-01-26 12:58:10 AM  
Oh no! Now the movie probably won't be any good either!
 
2014-01-26 12:59:08 AM  

Ishkur: obligatory everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.


Sounds like a literary masterpiece.
 
2014-01-26 01:21:34 AM  

underwhere: Ishkur: obligatory everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Sounds like a literary masterpiece.


The audiobook version will certainly be a best-seller.
 
2014-01-26 01:56:56 AM  
People still care?
 
2014-01-26 02:00:46 AM  
So, this is pretty much just porn for girls that got wet to Atlas Shrugged.
 
2014-01-26 02:08:14 AM  
I can't remember of I saw this here:


WTF Happened to Movie Posters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LM7PIgXXz_I
 
2014-01-26 02:21:01 AM  
Somewhere, someone is going to get hurt because they go into trying some BDSM because of these books and they do it with no proper research. No knowledge of SSC/RACK or aftercare.

/if you want D/s with a good story, might I suggest SunStone by Shiniez? And it's a lesbian graphic novel to boot!
 
2014-01-26 02:28:47 AM  
Why is anyone shocked? The cover art stunk, too.
 
2014-01-26 02:33:35 AM  
When I think of 50 Shades of Grey, I can understand what women mean when they say the entertainment media puts unrealistic expectations on them. This book is aimed at women and it places similar unrealistic expectations on men--instead of being about body image it's about wealth and power. If there weren't such a huge gender imbalance in favor of men in the entertainment industry already, I'd say this book is even worse for that because not every guy can be wealthy--there's only so much wealth and power to go around. Exercise, on the other hand...
 
2014-01-26 02:35:39 AM  

quatchi: 50 shades of meh?

*clicks on article*

Aw, c'mon Danny Elfman, what happened? You used to be cool.

Valentine's Day release?

Um, okay, sure, why not?



That's actually pretty smart. It all but guarantees that if you take a girl to see it, you will get laid that night.
As for the poster, what do you expect? They haven't even shot the damn thing yet.
 
2014-01-26 02:59:46 AM  

Ringshadow: /if you want D/s with a good story, might I suggest SunStone by Shiniez? And it's a lesbian graphic novel to boot!


So much  this. That's become my go-to material when someone has been asking me about kink-related stuff. It talks about what it's like, what people get out of it, and even touches on safety. It's great.

/also hot hot lesbian bondage sex
 
2014-01-26 04:20:52 AM  

Ishkur: obligatory everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.


Yeah, I tried reading this. First time she said "Oh my", I saw this:

img.fark.net

Soooooooo not erotic.
 
2014-01-26 04:24:41 AM  

Ishkur: obligatory everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.


Any time a character has "hooded eyes" you know it will be a bad book. That is straight out of the pulps bad writing. Nobody has "hooded eyes." Unless they're wearing little hoodies on their eyelids.

Clambering is what characters do to ponies in books for very young children; not to ponies in books for very mature adults. So this has got to be a bad thing.
 
2014-01-26 05:26:26 AM  
I can't wait for this to release, mostly so I can watch this rake in all of the reviews that say the film is awful or mediocre, then watch all of the FSoG fans get all butthurt about it while saying that so-and-so would have been a better choice for this or that character, which is why the film was ruined.   Even if the film releases and gets critical acclaim, it'll still be fun to watch the rabid anti-fans complain about how the film was a bigger travesty than Atlas Shrugged and The Adventures of Pluto Nash combined. Either way, it'll be fun to watch.
 
2014-01-26 05:32:15 AM  

Trocadero: Mister Buttons: AeAe: Will there be some hardcore farking in the movie?  I'm guessing not.


I'm guessing Cinemax before 2am levels of farking, bouncing titties, thrusting shots from the back, no penetration shots.  Give it six months though and there should be a pretty depraved version in the local porn shops called "50 shades of jizz" or something, so at least we have that going for us.

[www.anorak.co.uk image 850x567]
Already out, duh.


A friend of mine found the torrent of this that's floating around. The whole copyright issues are pretty valid, as the movie uses the book verbatim throughout. It's kind of boring overall.
 
2014-01-26 05:33:00 AM  

tokyogirl79: I can't wait for this to release, mostly so I can watch this rake in all of the reviews that say the film is awful or mediocre, then watch all of the FSoG fans get all butthurt about it while saying that so-and-so would have been a better choice for this or that character, which is why the film was ruined.   Even if the film releases and gets critical acclaim, it'll still be fun to watch the rabid anti-fans complain about how the film was a bigger travesty than Atlas Shrugged and The Adventures of Pluto Nash combined. Either way, it'll be fun to watch.


I don't think anything will approach the level of fail that Atlas Shrugged reached. This is a franchise that has had 2 installments, neither of which even came close to turning a profit, and they are still practically being forced to finish it with the third, otherwise the Randroids will pitch a shiat fit.

Ironically, the producers of that franchise haven't grasped that the free market doesn't want their movies.

As for this, it will get the coveted Twilight mom demographic out to see it in droves, so you bet they'll keep making them, no matter what the reviews are.
 
2014-01-26 06:06:13 AM  

TheOmni: I wonder if they are going to downplay all the rape in the movie version.


Wasnt there a fark story earlier this week about how they were toning down the sex? So it wil be a bad sex movie with no sex in it.
 
2014-01-26 06:12:25 AM  
How the hell are you supposed to get ladies moist with that kinda poster?!

Here ya go, ad executives, I made you a better poster using MS Paint. I'll be patiently awaiting my check.
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-26 06:36:00 AM  

King Something: underwhere: Ishkur: obligatory everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Sounds like a literary masterpiece.

The audiobook version will certainly be a best-seller.


oblig
 
2014-01-26 06:50:55 AM  

groppet: TheOmni: I wonder if they are going to downplay all the rape in the movie version.

Wasnt there a fark story earlier this week about how they were toning down the sex? So it wil be a bad sex movie with no sex in it.


Not sex, rape. On more than one occasion in the book Christian Grey unambiguously rapes Anastasia. So even with the toned down sex, are they going to leave in the scenes where he rapes her or will they try and make them seem like actual sex?
 
2014-01-26 07:22:49 AM  

King Something: underwhere: Ishkur: obligatory everything you need to know about 50 Shades of Gray:

#: of occurrences of literary device

41: characters roll their eyes
35: Ana bites her lip
16: Christian's lips "quirk up"
17: Christian "cocks his head to one side"
15: characters "purse" their lips
50: characters raise their eyebrows
80: references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious"
58: references to Ana's "inner goddess"
92: Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (including "holy crap", "double crap", or "triple crap").
81: Ana says "Jeez"
72: Ana says "oh my"
125: Ana "blushes" or "flushes" (including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red.")
13: Ana "peeks up" at Christian
9: references to Christian's "hooded eyes"
7: references to Christians "long index finger"
25: references to how "hot" Christian is (including 4: "He's so freaking hot.")
10: Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line"
199: characters "murmur"
49: characters "mutter"
195: characters "whisper"
21: characters "clamber" on/in/out of things
34: characters "smirk"
46: characters "gasp"
18: "breath hitches"
124: "grins"
124 "frowns"
And orgasms are always described as intense, body-shattering, delicious, violent, all-consuming, turbulent, agonizing and exhausting

And this is only book one.

Sounds like a literary masterpiece.

The audiobook version will certainly be a best-seller.

_____________________

Yup - this pretty much sums them up.

Yeah - this woman doesn't have an orgasm that isn't akin to the globe splitting in two, and that goes for the other two as well - the writing is a literary 'Showgirls' equivalent of schlocky bad.  Only IF the director takes it to camp level will it be tolerable as a film.  If they go the camp route - it might be entertaining on a fluff level...but seriously - the writing is shocking levels of crap.
 
2014-01-26 07:25:00 AM  
hope they have some kind of seat liners for the fat middle aged women who will be stampeding to see this
 
2014-01-26 07:40:32 AM  

groppet: TheOmni: I wonder if they are going to downplay all the rape in the movie version.

Wasnt there a fark story earlier this week about how they were toning down the sex? So it wil be a bad sex movie with no sex in it.


That's the only reason so many people want to see it. While I'm glad that the book did help mainstream erotica somewhat, I don't think that anyone really wants to see anything other than the lead characters boning their brains out on camera.

stoli n coke: As for this, it will get the coveted Twilight mom demographic out to see it in droves, so you bet they'll keep making them, no matter what the reviews are.


And there is the tragedy. Unless the script writers for this manage to put in a hell of a lot more plot than was originally in the books, there's no reason for this to be a 3 part series. Or a 4 part, considering that the trend in Hollywood is to take a 3 part series and turn it into a 4 parter. If they'd combined the first two books into one movie then they'd probably have had enough plot to keep things interesting.
 
2014-01-26 08:31:36 AM  
Wow, I had no idea that "Grey" was the name of one of the characters.  How about that?
 
2014-01-26 08:45:31 AM  

tudorgurl: http://jenniferarmintrout.blogspot.com/p/jen-reads-50-shades-of-grey. h tml?zx=5695178c31e9e243

Hey, man...read this!


Agreed. Jenny does a hell of a job with her analysis.
 
2014-01-26 09:58:13 AM  
When I saw the headline, I was expecting to read someone's posts about the film. Shows what I know.
 
2014-01-26 10:01:18 AM  
Oh, and also:

"Fifty Shades of Grey opens on February 13, 2015."

You know what studios tend to schedule for mid-February premieres? Anyone? Anyone?

Films they consider sh*t.
 
2014-01-26 10:07:43 AM  
If they really wanted to make the movie tolerable they should get James Deen and Stoya to play the characters and have unsimulated sex. Don't bother to try to put it in theaters just stream it through the web.
 
2014-01-26 10:22:04 AM  

Great_Milenko: Wow, I had no idea that "Grey" was the name of one of the characters.  How about that?


Same here, only until I saw your comment I had forgotten that that was the particular nugget of wisdom I came to this thread to share. Cool story, no?
 
2014-01-26 11:19:16 AM  

markfara: Oh, and also:

"Fifty Shades of Grey opens on February 13, 2015."

You know what studios tend to schedule for mid-February premieres? Anyone? Anyone?

Films they consider sh*t.



Yeah - particularly bad for a movie that hasn't even finished filming yet.
 
2014-01-26 11:38:56 AM  

Mugato: quatchi: Aw, c'mon Danny Elfman, what happened? You used to be cool.

When the fark was Danny Elfman cool? Ok, the Batman soundtrack was pretty good. But the circus music he did for everything else Tim Burton directed was farking terminal.

So someone got paid a shiatload of money to make a one sheet of a guy standing with his back turned to the camera. I'm in the wrong business.


Wha?! Sleepy Hollow, Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, even Sweeny Todd, for fark's sake!

I do not forgive him for Willy Wonka, ever.
 
2014-01-26 12:52:03 PM  

houstondragon: Wha?! Sleepy Hollow, Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, even Sweeny Todd, for fark's sake!


I dunno, most of his stuff sounds the same to me. OR maybe it's that most of Tim Burton's stuff looks the same. The chicken and the egg.

/liked Sleepy Hollow a lot
//Christina Ricci in a bodice
///and it starred 3 Sith Lords
 
2014-01-26 01:07:25 PM  
The book is written at 3rd grade reading level.
 
2014-01-26 02:03:14 PM  
Meh, 50 Shades of Grey is going to be underwhelming. It will be like 91/2 Weeks or Secertary, some light bondage, spanking, a little role playing but none of the good stuff. You know humiliation, exhibition, fire or edge play.
 
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