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(Fark)   Give us a quote. Inspirational, pithy, wise, whatever you've got   (fark.com) divider line 441
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1228 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Jan 2014 at 8:09 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



441 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-01-25 04:40:55 PM  
Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.
Leading kids by example is not the best way to teach them--its the ONLY way.
 
2014-01-25 04:44:13 PM  
Man, those Samoans are a surly bunch - Margaret Mead
 
2014-01-25 04:46:14 PM  
Helloooooo nurse!

-- Yakko and Wakko
 
2014-01-25 04:52:15 PM  
William Faulkner's Nobel Banquet Speech:

Ladies and gentlemen,
I feel that this award was not made to me as a man, but to my work - a life's work in the agony and sweat of the human spirit, not for glory and least of all for profit, but to create out of the materials of the human spirit something which did not exist before. So this award is only mine in trust. It will not be difficult to find a dedication for the money part of it commensurate with the purpose and significance of its origin. But I would like to do the same with the acclaim too, by using this moment as a pinnacle from which I might be listened to by the young men and women already dedicated to the same anguish and travail, among whom is already that one who will some day stand here where I am standing.

Our tragedy today is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it. There are no longer problems of the spirit. There is only the question: When will I be blown up? Because of this, the young man or woman writing today has forgotten the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat.

He must learn them again. He must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid; and, teaching himself that, forget it forever, leaving no room in his workshop for anything but the old verities and truths of the heart, the old universal truths lacking which any story is ephemeral and doomed - love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice. Until he does so, he labors under a curse. He writes not of love but of lust, of defeats in which nobody loses anything of value, of victories without hope and, worst of all, without pity or compassion. His griefs grieve on no universal bones, leaving no scars. He writes not of the heart but of the glands.

Until he relearns these things, he will write as though he stood among and watched the end of man. I decline to accept the end of man. It is easy enough to say that man is immortal simply because he will endure: that when the last dingdong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of his puny inexhaustible voice, still talking.

I refuse to accept this. I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet's, the writer's, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honor and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past. The poet's voice need not merely be the record of man, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help him endure and prevail.
 
2014-01-25 04:54:33 PM  
"Shut that c*nt's mouth before I come over there and f*ckstart her head!"

- Way of the Gun

/ very inspirational
 
2014-01-25 04:56:33 PM  
The Wrost Phone ever made people should boybot Google for making this phone. My 1st phone was Motorola DynaTAC 8000X brick phone Battery life on this phone blow the nexus 4 out of the water. The phone is great if you just talk but if take pictues and text them your battery goes from 100% to 75% in 30mins and from 75% to 30% in 60 mins and of crose google screws us again buy sealing the battetry. I would give this phone to Devil use. I hate and have Delited my Gmail account Accounts. Show Google your tired of getting screwed boycott them and delete your gmail.account.
 
2014-01-25 04:59:50 PM  
Buy a daki before you need a daki.
-CommieTaoist
 
2014-01-25 05:13:20 PM  
Alcohol isn't a crutch, it's a life jacket.
-JasonOfOrillia
 
2014-01-25 05:19:49 PM  
I've been undressed by kings,
And I've seen some things
That a woman's not supposed to see.

I've been to paradise,
But I've never been to me...

-- Clint Eastwood
 
2014-01-25 05:27:06 PM  
Looks like it'll be about 2 hours work, with parts, comes to $243.87
 
2014-01-25 06:23:17 PM  
Caroline Wheeler's birthday present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons. That's why it smelled so bad.

/Scattered all over dawn's highway bleeding, I suppose.
 
2014-01-25 06:23:18 PM  
Don't dream it, be it.
 
2014-01-25 06:23:29 PM  
After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.

-Spock
 
2014-01-25 06:35:54 PM  
"People often ask, as an idle question, whether the process of evolution began with the chicken or the egg. Was there an egg out of which the first chicken came, or did a chicken lay the first egg? I am in a position to say that the first thing created was the egg.

When God had manufactured all the eggs out of which the fishes and the serpents and the birds and the mammals and even the duck-billed platypus would eventually emerge, He called the embryos before him, and saw that they were good.

Perhaps I ought to explain,' added the badger, lowering his papers nervously and looking at Wart over the top of them, 'that all embryos look very much the same. They are what you are before you are born - and, whether you are going to be a tadpole or a peacock or a cameleopard or a man, when you are an embryo you just look like a peculiarly repulsive and helpless human being. I continue as follows:

The embryos stood in front of God, with their feeble hands clasped politely over their stomachs and their heavy heads hanging down respectfully, and God addressed them.

He said: "Now, you embryos, here you are, all looking exactly the same, and We are going to give you the choice of what you want to be. When you grow up you will get bigger anyway, but We are pleased to grant you another gift as well. You may alter any parts of yourselves into anything which you think will be useful to you in later life. For instance, at the moment you cannot dig. Anybody who would like to turn his hands into a pair of spades or garden forks is allowed to do so. Or, to put it another way, at present you can only use your mouths for eating. Anybody who would like to use his mouth as an offensive weapon, can change it by asking and be a corkindrill or sabre-toothed tiger. Now then, step up and choose your tools, but remember that what you choose you will grow into, and will have to stick to."

"All the embryos thought the matter over politely, and then, one by one, they stepped up before the eternal throne. They were allowed two or three specializations, so that some chose to use their arms as flying machines and their mouths as weapons, or crackers, or drillers, or spoons, while others selected to use their bodies as boats and their hands as oars. We badgers thought very hard and decided to ask for three boons. We wanted to change our skins for shields, our mouths for weapons and our arms for garden forks. These boons were granted. Everybody specialized in one way or another, and some of us in very queer ones. For instance, one of the desert lizards decided to swap his whole body for blotting-paper, and one of the toads who lived in the drouthy antipodes decided simply to be a water-bottle.

"The asking and granting took up two long days--they were the fifth and sixth, so far as I remember--and at the very end of the sixth day, just before it was time to knock off for Sunday, they had got through all the little embryos except one. This embryo was Man.

" 'Well, Our little man,' said God. 'You have waited till the last, and slept on your decision, and We are sure you have been thinking hard all the time. What can We do for you?'

" 'Please God,' said the embryo, 'I think that You made me in the shape which I now have for reasons best known to Yourselves, and that it would be rude to change. If I am to have my choice I will stay as I am. I will not alter any of the parts which You gave me, for other and doubtless inferior tools, and I will stay a defenceless embryo all my life, doing my best to make myself a few feeble implements out of the wood, iron and the other materials which You have seen fit to put before me. If I want a boat I will try to construct it out of trees, and if I want to fly, I will put together a chariot to do it for me. Probably I have been very silly in refusing to take advantage of Your kind offer, but I have done my very best to think it over carefully, and now hope that the feeble decision of this small innocent will find favour with Yourselves.'

" 'Well done,' exclaimed the Creator in delighted tones. 'Here, all you embryos, come here with your beaks and whatnots to look upon Our first Man. He is the only one who has guessed Our riddle, out of all of you , and We have great pleasure in conferring upon him the Order of Dominion over the Fowls of the Air, and the Beasts of the Earth, and the Fishes of the Sea. Now let the rest of you get along, and love and multiply, for it is time to knock off for the week-end. As for you, Man, you will be a naked tool all your life, though a user of tools. You will look like an embryo till they bury you, but all the others will be embryos before your might. Eternally undeveloped, you will always remain potential in Our image, able to see some of Our sorrows and to feel some of Our joys. We are partly sorry for you, Man, but partly hopeful. Run along then, and do your best. And listen, Man, before you go . . .'

" 'Well?' asked Adam, turning back from his dismissal.

" 'We were only going to say,' said God shyly, twisting Their hands together. 'Well, We were just going to say, God bless you.' "

- Chapter 21, The Once and Future King
 
2014-01-25 06:42:51 PM  
"I hate quotations" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

To know death, you must fark life. In the gall-bladder. -- Andy Warhole's Frankenstein

Demons, man, demons! Who needs chicks when you got demons? -- Gate II

"You live in a society where your only role is to consume. All the decisions have been made; no input is required from anyone. (Democracy! Democracy my ASS! Everywhere you look you will see people DOING WHAT THEY ARE TOLD OR ELSE BEING DESTROYED.) Just buy the products, honey, and if you can't afford it, then hate yourself as an example to the others." -- Tom Price

"I felt a kind of forlorn sense of being lost in a world of incredibly stupid and malicious dwarfs." -- Aleister Crowley

"It is good to know that with the creation of Ritalin, the world will never again be troubled by the likes of another Mozart." -- Charles Budreau

"Ego sincerus haurio tu is domesticum et bullas tuus psoleos in ardes causticos" (I highly recommend you go home and boil your dick in lavoris) -- Therion
 
2014-01-25 06:44:34 PM  
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use - Sir Morgan Freemen.
 
2014-01-25 06:46:14 PM  
Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace. - Rev. Mitch Hedberg
 
2014-01-25 06:57:04 PM  
See dying vegetables life sustain,
See life dissolving vegetate again:
All forms that perish other forms supply,
(By turns we catch the vital breath, and die)
Like bubbles on the sea of matter born,
They rise, they break,
and to that sea return.


 -Alexander Pope

Opening lines of Hothouse by Aldiss
 
2014-01-25 06:58:29 PM  
"Booze, pills, or pot.....Whatever gets you through the night, baby" said Frank Sinatra when he was asked what he thought of people smoking weed.
 
2014-01-25 06:58:52 PM  
This wallpaper is killing me, one of us has to go.

last words of Oscar Wilde
 
2014-01-25 07:00:06 PM  
"You live for the fight when that's all that you've got." - Bon Jovi
 
2014-01-25 07:00:41 PM  
"Yes, the universe had a beginning. Yes, the universe continues to evolve. And yes, every one of our body's atoms is traceable to the big bang and to the thermonuclear furnace within high-mass stars. We are not simply in the universe, we are part of it. We are born from it. One might even say we have been empowered by the universe to figure itself out - and we have only just begun."- Neil deGrasse Tyson
 
2014-01-25 07:01:01 PM  

redoctober65: Man, those Samoans are a surly bunch - Margaret Mead


*from lost diary found in a compost heap
 
2014-01-25 07:04:04 PM  
I've been kicked out of better places than this!

--Justin Bieber
 
2014-01-25 07:09:48 PM  
If you're going to drink, drink the good stuff, then its too expensive to become an alcoholic
 
2014-01-25 07:10:10 PM  
The passage of my life is measured out in shirts.
 
2014-01-25 07:22:25 PM  
A child-like man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention.

--Aldous Huxley
 
2014-01-25 07:25:15 PM  
"The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence. He inspires self-trust. He guides their eyes from himself to the spirit that quickens him. He will have no disciples."
--Amos Bronson Alcott
 
2014-01-25 07:28:24 PM  
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snake bite furthermore always carry a small snake."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

- W.C. Fields
 
2014-01-25 07:29:39 PM  
I can't believe how many Rand Paul quotes you guys are misattributing
 
2014-01-25 07:30:59 PM  
"War.  War never changes."
 
2014-01-25 07:36:13 PM  
"Let's make a pact about drinking: Let's never stop"  Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H
 
2014-01-25 07:36:18 PM  
You always find something in the last place you look for it at.

/after all, why keep looking once you have found it?
 
2014-01-25 07:37:36 PM  
"Fark it, we'll do it live!"
 
2014-01-25 07:39:46 PM  
"Where the hell did all these Indians come from?" - George Custer
 
2014-01-25 07:41:28 PM  

kidakita: "Where the hell did all these Indians come from?" - George Custer


That's okay, he got his revenge.
 
2014-01-25 07:50:05 PM  
This isn't a real duel, it's just a ceremonial thing gentlemen do. See, I'm firing into the air, like a gentleman. And now, in turn, Mr Burr shall f--AAAAAAGGH! *thud*

--Alexander Hamilton
 
2014-01-25 07:54:03 PM  
I drank what?

Socrates.
 
2014-01-25 07:56:02 PM  
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Dr. Oscar Wlyde
 
2014-01-25 08:10:51 PM  
Haha, this greened?
 
2014-01-25 08:11:07 PM  
locoparentis.com.au
 
2014-01-25 08:11:07 PM  
In every generation lie the seeds of barbarism.

I don't remember who said it, but I've always liked it.
 
2014-01-25 08:11:37 PM  

JasonOfOrillia: Alcohol isn't a crutch, it's a life jacket.
-JasonOfOrillia


Welcome to Orillia.
 
2014-01-25 08:12:34 PM  
C*nt.
 
2014-01-25 08:12:34 PM  
If you showed me a picture of five anuses, I couldn't tell you which one is mine.

-Karl Pilkington
 
2014-01-25 08:12:55 PM  
Where there's a will,
There's a beneficiary.

- The Doctor
 
2014-01-25 08:13:15 PM  

Bob Falfa: "Let's make a pact about drinking: Let's never stop"  Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H


Fark needs a "Fark like" button
 
2014-01-25 08:14:23 PM  
I don't do requests ...
 
2014-01-25 08:15:05 PM  

i0.kym-cdn.com

 
2014-01-25 08:15:31 PM  
Family means doing shiat you don't want to do for the people you love. - Hugh2D2
 
2014-01-25 08:16:02 PM  
"For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

- Benjamin Button
 
2014-01-25 08:16:47 PM  
Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
 
2014-01-25 08:17:29 PM  
bbsimg.ngfiles.com
 
2014-01-25 08:17:32 PM  
Confucius says, When not in use... turn off the juice.
 
2014-01-25 08:18:01 PM  
I hate to advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.-Hunter S. Thompson.
 
2014-01-25 08:18:04 PM  
If you're not wasted, the day is.
 
2014-01-25 08:18:31 PM  
"I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs, a very endearing sight, I'm sure you'll agree.
And even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged onto a half submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters, who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy.
One of nature's wonders, gentlemen. Mother and children dining upon mother and children.
And that is when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe.
Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."
-Terry Pratchett-
 
2014-01-25 08:18:33 PM  
"...You're right, but I don't think we build cemeteries for the dead. Sure, it may seem pointless to you, but... How can I describe it? It's so that we can think like this: 'We'll never forget you. We'll remember you every time we stand at your grave. And we won't let the fear of death, which each of us knows, stop us from living our lives. ...Because my friends will remember me when I'm here.'"
- Black Mage No. 288, Final Fantasy IX
 
2014-01-25 08:18:36 PM  
Resources exist to be consumed. And consumed they will be, if not by this generation then by some future. By what right does this forgotten future seek to deny us our birthright? None I say! Let us take what is ours, chew and eat our fill.

CEO Nwabudike Morgan
 
2014-01-25 08:18:53 PM  
"
 
2014-01-25 08:19:03 PM  

I wanna dip my balls in it


24.media.tumblr.com

 
2014-01-25 08:19:09 PM  
Winter is coming.

-A Stark
 
2014-01-25 08:19:27 PM  
Lighten up, Francis.
 
2014-01-25 08:19:27 PM  
"He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

-Thomas Jefferson
 
2014-01-25 08:19:57 PM  

Johnny_Canuck: JasonOfOrillia: Alcohol isn't a crutch, it's a life jacket.
-JasonOfOrillia

Welcome to Orillia.


I like swords!
 
2014-01-25 08:20:27 PM  
Aint no thing but a chicken wing.

I have only once ever been wrong.  It was when I thought I was wrong but it turned out that I wasn't.

When I turn 75 I am going to suck a great big dick.  If I like I am going to be god damn pissed off that I didn't figure that out earlier.
 
2014-01-25 08:20:54 PM  
One of the hardest things for me to learn was that most people would rather feel validated than correct. Somehow, for these people, to live in that delusional fantasy is preferable to searching out the truth. This is why people get so angry when a fault is pointed out. As for me, I'd rather know when I'm doing something wrong. Most people just want to be told they're right, and they don't care if it's true or not.
 
2014-01-25 08:20:55 PM  
A pun is a rare medium well done.
 
2014-01-25 08:21:35 PM  
I have seen further than others because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.

- Isaac Newton
 
2014-01-25 08:21:38 PM  
"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."

                   Dorothy Parker
 
2014-01-25 08:22:03 PM  
"All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep farkin' everybody 'til they're all the same color.

~Jay Billington Bulworth
 
2014-01-25 08:22:04 PM  

Donnchadha: Looks like it'll be about 2 hours work, with parts, comes to $243.87


I wish I could get my mechanic to quote like that. He rarely dips below the $500 mark.

More if I get cheeky (for example, "fix the brakes" costs the same as "I already changed pads and rebuilt the master cylinder, but please turn the rotors", which also costs the same as "I got new rotors and rebuilt the master cylinder and changed the pads and replaced all the lines with stainless steel, but please shine a flashlight in there and look for lost screwdrivers and mice").

My wife does not question this system and swears by him. :)
 
2014-01-25 08:22:20 PM  
The difference between adventure and ordeal is attitude.

also

Don't do it unless it gets you laid or gets you paid.
 
2014-01-25 08:22:57 PM  
"You might not always get what you want in life, but you'll always get what you're willing to tolerate." --SOWB
 
2014-01-25 08:23:06 PM  
"Free your mind and your ass will follow" George Clinton
 
2014-01-25 08:23:07 PM  
Thirty spokes join together in the hub.
It is because of what is not there that the cart is useful.
Clay is formed into a vessel.
It is because of its emptiness that the vessel is useful.
Cut doors and windows to make a room.
It is because of its emptiness that the room is useful.
Therefore, what is useful is used for profit.
But it is in absence that there is usefulness.
-Tao Te Ching, 11

Whoa, Doc, this is heavy!
-Marty McFly
 
2014-01-25 08:23:56 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-25 08:24:12 PM  
"I used to be disgusted; now I try to be amused."

Or, in the alternative:

"I don't fark much with the past, but I fark plenty with the future."
 
2014-01-25 08:24:16 PM  
Someone once asked a French priest who was older than sin (he had lived through WWI, the Great Depression and WWII among other tragedies) what he had learned in all his years of service.

The priest said "There is no such thing as a grownup."
 
2014-01-25 08:25:08 PM  
Even a small population is hard to completely extirpate, short of rendering the planet uninhabitable.
- Admiral Ivan Antonov

I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
- Lieutenant Ellen Ripley
 
2014-01-25 08:25:52 PM  
"Crush your enemies, See them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!"

- Mitt Romney
 
2014-01-25 08:26:24 PM  
"And for f*cks sakes, man, take a shower. You look like a f*ckin' hobolo."
 
2014-01-25 08:26:45 PM  
"You do not have telepathic powers." Me to biatchy stepdaughter.
"You don't know me!" biatchy stepdaughter.
 
2014-01-25 08:26:56 PM  
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.

The Doctor, Face of Evil
 
2014-01-25 08:27:01 PM  
Here's 3 precious expressions that I'd like to share with all of you:


Don't judge a book by its cover.

If you get lemons, make lemonade.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.

You're welcome!
 
2014-01-25 08:27:16 PM  
s2.quickmeme.com
 
2014-01-25 08:27:19 PM  
"
 
2014-01-25 08:27:22 PM  
Hail to the lies by which all truths are hounded!
 
2014-01-25 08:28:01 PM  

Shedim: Johnny_Canuck: JasonOfOrillia: Alcohol isn't a crutch, it's a life jacket.
-JasonOfOrillia

Welcome to Orillia.

I like swords!


Oh-rillia land of beer.
 
2014-01-25 08:28:07 PM  
Sign on a restroom wall...."If you shake it more than twice your playing with it".
 
2014-01-25 08:28:09 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2014-01-25 08:28:25 PM  
"No doubt the truth can be unpleasant, but I am not sure that unpleasantness is the same as the truth." - Roger Ebert
 
2014-01-25 08:28:27 PM  
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. -- Elbert Hubbard
 
2014-01-25 08:29:20 PM  
It is better to remain quiet and let people wonder if you are a fool then speak and remove all doubt.

Unknown.
 
2014-01-25 08:29:34 PM  
A world-hardened and weary man in his middle years might come across a stuffed bear and be surprised, and his hardness broken for a minute as he feels a tug in his breast as if a line immensely long and thin were still attached between his heart and this scuffed forgotten friend. But the bear never doubted.
Richard Kennedy, Amy's Eyes
 
2014-01-25 08:30:08 PM  
It's not the time to dunk your dicky when the weather's hot and sticky.
The time for dicky dunkin is when the frost is on the punkin.

Dipthong Warthog
 
2014-01-25 08:30:18 PM  
"I have come here to chew bubble gum & kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum." --Rowdy Roddy Piper

"Let me tell you something. There is nothing more disturbing in life than a pile of shiat where it doesn't belong." --Tucker Max

"Just because you're winning, don't mean you're the lucky one." --Axl Rose
 
2014-01-25 08:30:47 PM  
"War is just a racket."

--US Marine Corps Major General Smedley Butler, two time Medal of Honor awardee (strangely NOT buried in Arlington)
 
2014-01-25 08:31:01 PM  

Johnny_Canuck: Shedim: Johnny_Canuck: JasonOfOrillia: Alcohol isn't a crutch, it's a life jacket.
-JasonOfOrillia

Welcome to Orillia.

I like swords!

Oh-rillia land of beer.


Where 77% said "Yes."

img.fark.net
 
2014-01-25 08:31:06 PM  
The devil hath the power
To assume a pleasing shape.

--William Shakespeare
 
2014-01-25 08:31:29 PM  
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."

-Abraham Simpson
 
2014-01-25 08:31:46 PM  
There are only twenty-four hours in a day, and there is only one of me.
 
2014-01-25 08:32:44 PM  
We are all equal in our own way
 
2014-01-25 08:33:03 PM  
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" - Edwin Stanton
 
2014-01-25 08:33:25 PM  
don't stir shiat if you're unwilling to lick the spoon
 
2014-01-25 08:33:40 PM  
Even if she's one in a million, that means there's 300 girls exactly like her in America alone
- Angel Soto
 
2014-01-25 08:34:44 PM  
"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."

- Shia LaBeouf
 
2014-01-25 08:34:45 PM  
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

    Terry Pratchett
 
2014-01-25 08:34:56 PM  
"Nothing in Life is worth doing half-assed." --me, 1995ish.

My friend Kari thought this was way more useful/inspiring than most of the stuff I say. The trouble is that I was probably ripping some other quotable person off, and I have no idea who I was quoting. Anyhow. Thank you, and keep reaching for the stairs....
 
2014-01-25 08:35:01 PM  
"As an upholsterer, I had a one legged client who had issues with his personal fart catcher.
I mad his seat and he biatched about it, and would not pay me.
So I visited him and asked what the problem was.
He was telling me all about his ass pain and I hoisted up his good leg and pulled the fart catcher out and said, "Well, then. Good day to you, sir", and left.
Bastard was on the floor rolling about screaming he would sue me.
Fark him.
I did a tuck and roll and buttons and head to head tacks and he was biatching about it?
Fark him, and would not assist again..."


I don't know why, but this is one of the best posts I ever saw on Fark.
 
2014-01-25 08:35:07 PM  
Be excellent to each other.  --Bill & Ted
 
2014-01-25 08:35:07 PM  
Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe.  --Hunter S. Thompson
 
2014-01-25 08:35:23 PM  
It may be a long quote but still my favourite.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pfwY2TNehw
 
2014-01-25 08:35:31 PM  
A gun is like a plunger. You hope to hell you never need it, but if you need one and don't have it you're screwed.
 
2014-01-25 08:35:37 PM  
"Anybody who ever told you that it's not about the money clearly doesn't have to worry about it."
 
2014-01-25 08:35:38 PM  
Life sucks, then you die, then they throw dirt in your face, then the worms eat you.  Be grateful it happens in that order.
 
2014-01-25 08:35:49 PM  
"You'll get over it."  -Drew
 
2014-01-25 08:35:53 PM  
"There are things I've done that I wouldn't do again
But I'm glad that I did 'cause I've learned from them " - Beastie Boys - The Update - Ill communication.
 
2014-01-25 08:36:03 PM  
One who stands on top of toilet is high on pot.
 
2014-01-25 08:36:05 PM  
Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a night.

Set a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
 
2014-01-25 08:36:10 PM  
"If you like your insurance, you can keep it"

President Obama
 
2014-01-25 08:36:29 PM  
"Every attempt to make war easy and safe will result in humiliation and disaster." - William Tecumseh Sherman

"Funny, really, 'cause I'd never thought of it, but being middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesn't it?" - Ringo Starr, A Hard Day's Night

"Evil... has every advantage but one - it is inferior in imagination. Good can imagine the possibility of becoming evil... but Evil, defiantly chosen, can no longer imagine anything but itself." - W.H. Auden

"You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get." - Del Griffith, Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man." - A Clockwork Orange

"Do what you want to do, and go where you're going to. Think for yourself, 'cause I won't be there with you." - The Beatles

"All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much." - The Beatles
 
2014-01-25 08:37:01 PM  
Everyone is a Cu*nt. Except Me. And I have a big cock.

/Personal fav: Abe Lincoln - " I let WHO free?"
 
2014-01-25 08:37:02 PM  
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

--Shia Lebouf
 
2014-01-25 08:37:06 PM  
"As long as there is music, I am immortal, and I have lived forever if I can remember a song." - bunner
 
2014-01-25 08:37:12 PM  
"And I'm successful because I'm a hard ass worker" - Bristol Palin
 
2014-01-25 08:37:16 PM  
Brap is always funny.
 
2014-01-25 08:37:17 PM  
Some people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience.
Bret the Hitman Hart
 
2014-01-25 08:37:21 PM  
Damn you Fritriac
 
2014-01-25 08:38:30 PM  
"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."

W.S. Churchill
 
2014-01-25 08:38:47 PM  
"Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers"

- Confucious
 
2014-01-25 08:38:47 PM  
"You're better off with the hundred."
--Louie De Palma
 
2014-01-25 08:38:59 PM  
A word to the wise is infuriating.
- Hunter S. Thompson
 
2014-01-25 08:39:14 PM  
Thank you for being.  Your existence is a gift, so long as you're not a dick about it.
 
2014-01-25 08:39:25 PM  
No one wants advice - only corroboration.

John Steinbeck
 
2014-01-25 08:39:41 PM  
"Stop playing with yourself!!"
 
2014-01-25 08:39:55 PM  
Nothing easily gained is ever truly worthwhile.
 
2014-01-25 08:39:56 PM  
I aim to misbehave.

Mal Reynolds.

I really am ruggedly handsome

Richard Castle
 
2014-01-25 08:40:14 PM  
Never play chicken with a passive aggressive.
 
2014-01-25 08:40:17 PM  
Never trust a skinny chef.
 
2014-01-25 08:40:52 PM  
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate it. -- unknown
 
2014-01-25 08:41:41 PM  
"Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." --Bob Seger

"May the bridges I burn light the way." --Dylan McKay
 
2014-01-25 08:41:49 PM  
"Stay away from crazy people"
 
2014-01-25 08:41:54 PM  
Take what you want and pay for it.
 
2014-01-25 08:42:01 PM  
People are assholes.
 
2014-01-25 08:43:18 PM  
To the Clintons, there's no such thing as strangers, just friends whose checks haven't yet cleared. -- Mark Steyn
 
2014-01-25 08:43:25 PM  
A quote that reminds me of my father. He had cut it out and taped to his toolbox. It's just a piece of the whole poem.


"They copied all they could follow, but they couldn't copy my mind,
And I left 'em sweating and stealing a year and a half behind."
Rudyard Kipling. 1894
The "Mary Gloster"
 
2014-01-25 08:43:56 PM  
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same god who has endowed us with senses, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.  -- Galileo
 
2014-01-25 08:43:56 PM  
"Fark 'em if they can't take a joke."

- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
 
2014-01-25 08:44:14 PM  
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, eventually, your life will end.
 
2014-01-25 08:44:46 PM  
Rules for success: 1) Work hard, 2) Choose wisely, 3) Be lucky.
 
2014-01-25 08:44:55 PM  
I like turtles.
 
2014-01-25 08:45:20 PM  
Yeah, I like dags.  I like caravans more.
- Tommy the t!t
 
2014-01-25 08:45:23 PM  
" " -- Helen Keller
 
2014-01-25 08:45:42 PM  
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. -Frederich Nietzsche
 
2014-01-25 08:45:53 PM  
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
-- Voltaire
 
2014-01-25 08:46:19 PM  
You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition, half of 'em are even dumber than THAT.
 
2014-01-25 08:46:23 PM  
Live in such a way that you harm no one or I'll kill all of you!

Your Loving and Merciful God
 
2014-01-25 08:46:58 PM  
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal
 
2014-01-25 08:47:06 PM  
Fark yinz!

/ commonly used phrase in Picksburgh
 
2014-01-25 08:47:11 PM  
Four score and seven years ago..

Rand Paul
 
2014-01-25 08:47:11 PM  
I don't need an extra body, I'm not paying for an extra corpse.

- Mr. Eugenides.
 
2014-01-25 08:47:36 PM  
Everywhere I go, there's always an asshole.
 
2014-01-25 08:47:45 PM  
"Be in nothing so moderate as in love of man."
 
2014-01-25 08:48:11 PM  
The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts. He ascribes all his failure to get on in the world, all of his congenital incapacity and damfoolishness, to the machinations of werewolves assembled in Wall Street, or some other such den of infamy. If these villains could be put down, he holds, he would at once become rich, powerful and eminent. Nine politicians out of every ten, of whatever party, live and have their being by promising to perform this putting down.  - H. L. Mencken
 
2014-01-25 08:48:13 PM  
A wink is as good as a nod to a blind mule - Barney Fife

All I know about boxing is, never bet in the white guy - Lt. Frank Drebin.
 
2014-01-25 08:48:21 PM  
Life is like a sewer. You get out of it what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer.
 
2014-01-25 08:48:27 PM  
"Give your liver an occasional surprise; drink water"

-- Sister Mary Arthur
 
2014-01-25 08:49:00 PM  
No drug worth doing should be charged money for!

-Hunter S Thompson.
 
2014-01-25 08:49:04 PM  
"It is not the things we do in life that we regret on our death bed. It is the things we do not. I assure you I've done a lot of really stupid things, and none of them bother me. All the mistakes, and all the dopey things, and all the times I was embarrassed - they don't matter. What matters is that I can kind of look back and say: Pretty much any time I got chance to do something cool I tried to grab for it - and that's where my solace comes from." - Randy Pausch
 
2014-01-25 08:49:45 PM  
Never trust a fart
 
2014-01-25 08:49:51 PM  
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

 "I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

- Frank Herbert, Dune
 
2014-01-25 08:50:03 PM  
 i.huffpost.com
 
2014-01-25 08:50:16 PM  
don't burn bridges, unless you need the light.
 
2014-01-25 08:50:18 PM  
i.canvasugc.com
 
2014-01-25 08:50:19 PM  
img.fark.net

Grand Cayman Island
2013
 
2014-01-25 08:50:46 PM  
"Always remember: A stiff prick aint got no conscience"

-My Grandma at Thanksgiving dinner
 
2014-01-25 08:51:01 PM  
"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence- whether much that is glorious- whether all that is profound- does not spring from disease of thought- from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect."

Edgar Allan Poe
 
2014-01-25 08:51:05 PM  
"Whoever says that quitting drinking is hard doesn't know what they are talking about. It's easy. I must have done it a thousand times."

- WC Fields
 
2014-01-25 08:51:21 PM  
The guy I'm quoting was dishing out breakfast at 7:30 this morning at a local children's home near me.

"I know where I come from. And when you always have in mind where you come from the rest will be easy. I think the rest will be easy."

- Mariano Rivera
 
2014-01-25 08:51:34 PM  
"Glass half empty...glass half full...screw that! Just be glad there's something in the damn glass in the first place!"
 ~me
 
2014-01-25 08:52:05 PM  
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

Robert Benchley
 
2014-01-25 08:52:28 PM  
"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you
 - Thomas Merton
 
2014-01-25 08:52:31 PM  
This is not what I meant to say. - Socrates
 
2014-01-25 08:52:36 PM  
All around  a pigs ass is pork but I still like a good bacon sandwich.  (unknown)
 
2014-01-25 08:52:38 PM  
I can't be having with all this.

Granny Weatherwax

Fill the next one to the top!

Nanny Ogg.
 
2014-01-25 08:52:53 PM  
A friend in need is a pest.
 
2014-01-25 08:53:00 PM  
Quando, Omni, Flunkus, Moritadi.
 
2014-01-25 08:53:31 PM  
Never pet a burning dog.
-Unknown
 
2014-01-25 08:54:25 PM  
"Chickenfoot, come back! You're not a freak! You're just stupid! "
Invader Zim: Dib
 
2014-01-25 08:54:28 PM  
"Whoever knows he is deep, strives for clarity; whoever would like to appear deep to the crowd, strives for obscurity. For the crowd considers anything deep if only it cannot see to the bottom: the crowd is so timid and afraid of going into the water."

- Friedrich Nietzsche
 
2014-01-25 08:54:30 PM  
"Boy would I like to throw some hot grease on you."

--Granny Klump
 
2014-01-25 08:54:32 PM  
When you're up to your nose in shiat, keep your mouth shut.
 
2014-01-25 08:54:35 PM  
Nobody ever dies, if they live on within you.

/My mother died last week.
//fark cancer with a rusty chainsaw.  Goddamnit.  fark.
 
2014-01-25 08:54:37 PM  
"General, you are listening to a machine. Do the world a favor and don't act like one." - Steven Falken, WarGames

"Government isn't perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone." - Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show"
 
2014-01-25 08:54:39 PM  
'For evil to triumph it is only necessary that good men do nothing.' That's on a plaque in my office that I keep meaning to hang up. -- unknown
 
2014-01-25 08:54:39 PM  
"Is this supposed to be some lazy followup to the 'define TFD with a pic/macro' thread? Because it sucks."

~ gameshowhost
 
2014-01-25 08:54:42 PM  
"Marques Colston literally exploded onto the NFL scene last year." --Dan Dierdorf

"Third and two...a run or a pass will work here." --Dan Dierdorf

"For three??? AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" -- Gus Johnson
 
2014-01-25 08:54:52 PM  

baka-san: I aim to misbehave.

Mal Reynolds.

I really am ruggedly handsome

Richard Castle


(Shakes beefy fist at baka-san)
 
2014-01-25 08:55:23 PM  
"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

Dread Pirate Roberts
 
2014-01-25 08:55:38 PM  
What's the difference between the federal government and the mafia? One's legally sanctioned.
 
2014-01-25 08:55:47 PM  
We're all here because we ain't all there.
 
2014-01-25 08:55:50 PM  
It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that by learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

-Mr. E. Blackadder
 
2014-01-25 08:56:15 PM  
I recently ran across this one:
"Quantity has a quality all its own." -- Josef Stalin

I quite like this collection of sayings:
http://www.sjgames.com/illuminati/wisdom.html
 
2014-01-25 08:56:21 PM  

nekom: Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace. - Rev. Mitch Hedberg


Thought that was part of a Bill Hicks quote:

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we ... kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok ... But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."
 
2014-01-25 08:56:45 PM  

gameshowhost: "Is this supposed to be some lazy followup to the 'define TFD with a pic/macro' thread? Because it sucks."

~ gameshowhost

 Shia Lebeouf
 
2014-01-25 08:57:03 PM  
When life gets too tense, simplify with one fifth ... puns, math and alcohol together at last.
 
2014-01-25 08:57:06 PM  
"I was told there would be no math..."
 
2014-01-25 08:58:09 PM  
"When in Walmart, do as the Walmartians do."
--JenFromTheWood
 
2014-01-25 08:58:22 PM  
Condoms are the paper plates of farking. They allow you to enjoy a nice meal without all the mess.
 
2014-01-25 08:58:52 PM  
Leave the tough stuff to the so-called experts, because worrying about the tough stuff will only make you get sick and die.
 
2014-01-25 08:59:25 PM  
"Never stick your d*ck in crazy"
Unknown
 
2014-01-25 08:59:26 PM  
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
~David Dixon, 1998, winning entry of the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
~Suzie Wagner, 1998, honourable mention
 
2014-01-25 08:59:58 PM  
He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature... and because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection... they find only death... fire... loss... disillusionment... the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside, from Man himself. - Dr Paul Nelson
 
2014-01-25 09:01:13 PM  
"No one's ever going to believe you." --Bill Murray

"Just you when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions." --Rowdy Roddy Piper
 
2014-01-25 09:01:42 PM  
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
--Philip K. Dick
 
2014-01-25 09:02:15 PM  
Gravity always wins.
 
2014-01-25 09:02:19 PM  
i42.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:02:38 PM  

FrankenPC: What's the difference between the federal government and the mafia? One's legally sanctioned.


facepalm.jpg
 
2014-01-25 09:02:51 PM  
i2.kym-cdn.com
 
2014-01-25 09:02:54 PM  

Mambo Bananapatch: Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
~David Dixon, 1998, winning entry of the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
~Suzie Wagner, 1998, honourable mention


Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
~Margaret Segall, 1998, honorable mention
 
2014-01-25 09:03:02 PM  
"I'll give you $50 to touch my thing behind the bar."

Me, about 20 minutes ago.
 
2014-01-25 09:03:02 PM  
"One fun at a time."
-George Clinton
 
2014-01-25 09:03:12 PM  
"Every man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats."
- H. L. Mencken
 
2014-01-25 09:04:35 PM  
"It's better to die on your feet than to live on you knees."
Emiliano Zapata

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."
Oscar Wilde

"True friends stab you in the front."
Oscar Wilde

"Doctrina ignorantia"
Socrates
 
2014-01-25 09:05:03 PM  

CluelessMoron: Nobody ever dies, if they live on within you.

/My mother died last week.
//fark cancer with a rusty chainsaw.  Goddamnit.  fark.



I'm so sorry. Stay strong.
 
2014-01-25 09:05:14 PM  
Apathy Error:  Don't bother striking any key. -- unknown
 
2014-01-25 09:05:40 PM  
i43.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:06:37 PM  

Glitchwerks: gameshowhost: "Is this supposed to be some lazy followup to the 'define TFD with a pic/macro' thread? Because it sucks."

~ gameshowhost  Shia Lebeouf


touché
 
2014-01-25 09:06:38 PM  
"Life's like a movie...write your own ending." --Kermit the Frog
 
2014-01-25 09:06:47 PM  

hubiestubert: "The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence. He inspires self-trust. He guides their eyes from himself to the spirit that quickens him. He will have no disciples."
--Amos Bronson Alcott


That reminds me of the aphorism If you meet Buddha on the side of the road, kill him."
 
2014-01-25 09:06:59 PM  

TheShavingofOccam123: Someone once asked a French priest who was older than sin (he had lived through WWI, the Great Depression and WWII among other tragedies) what he had learned in all his years of service.

The priest said "There is no such thing as a grownup."


A French priest was asked what he learned in confession, "There is no one very bad, and no one very happy."
 
2014-01-25 09:07:54 PM  
"We are buried beneath the weight of information, which is being confused with knowledge; quantity is being confused with abundance and wealth with happiness.
We are monkeys with money and guns."
― Tom Waits.
 
2014-01-25 09:08:05 PM  
"A person is smart, people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. 1500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and 15 minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow..." - Agent Kay, Men In Black
 
2014-01-25 09:08:10 PM  

I. R. Rottweiler: A gun is like a plunger. You hope to hell you never need it, but if you need one and don't have it you're screwed.


So a plunger is like a condom?
 
2014-01-25 09:09:36 PM  
i39.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:09:50 PM  
When I'm paid, I always see the job through.

Who is more foolish -- the fool, or the fool that follows it?

You're a funny guy, Sully.  I like you.  That's why I'm going to kill you last.
 
2014-01-25 09:10:09 PM  
"End quote."
-the last words of Steven Wright.
 
2014-01-25 09:10:21 PM  
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best- expect a platypus
Words to live by
 
2014-01-25 09:10:37 PM  
The likelihood of an occurrence is in direct and inverse proportion to its desirability. -- Murphy
 
2014-01-25 09:11:30 PM  
i44.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:12:23 PM  
Happiness in life isn't about getting everything you want; its about wanting everything you get.
 
2014-01-25 09:12:30 PM  
i39.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:13:22 PM  
Money can't buy such thing as a free lunch.
 
2014-01-25 09:13:25 PM  
"Go big or go home...I do both!"
- Me
 
2014-01-25 09:14:20 PM  
i43.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:16:07 PM  

Mr_Fabulous: CluelessMoron: Nobody ever dies, if they live on within you.

/My mother died last week.
//fark cancer with a rusty chainsaw.  Goddamnit.  fark.


I'm so sorry. Stay strong.


Lost mine last October. If people ask, tell them about her. It will help build your internal narrative and give you closure (even if they glaze over after a while)
 
2014-01-25 09:16:08 PM  
"So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfarker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family." - George Carlin
 
2014-01-25 09:16:35 PM  
On Monday mornings, I'm dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

-H. Allen Smith, journalist, humorist
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-25 09:16:58 PM  
"Where there's a will, there's relatives"

The three most dangerous words in Any language "Citizen, papers please"

Diogenes, having been magically transported through time arrives upon the shores of America.
Hearing of one political parties changes in their fundamental beliefs, Diogenes vows to neither rest or dine until he finds a true "Compassionate Christian Conservative".
His funeral was last week.
Autopsy reports cause of death "exhaustion, exacerbated by complications due to malnutrition"

"If you gotta be one, be a Big Red One". Retired Sgt. First Infantry Division.

TANSTAAFL
 
2014-01-25 09:17:08 PM  
"Never fear the man with the scar. Fear the one who gave it to him."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"If all the girls at the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." - Dorothy Parker

"Listen to me, butterfly: There's only so much wine you can drink in one life, but it will never save you from the bottom of your glass." - The Handsome Family
 
2014-01-25 09:18:26 PM  
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

- Albert Einstein

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching

- John Wooden
 
2014-01-25 09:18:34 PM  
"If you don't love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else?"

-RuPaul

//Can I get a Amen up in here?
 
2014-01-25 09:18:51 PM  
You can't have everything, where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright

If you want immortality, say something memorable  ~ Anonymous

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us  ~ Presidential Candidate

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just STFU.
 
2014-01-25 09:19:43 PM  
Save your money-Dad
 
2014-01-25 09:22:12 PM  
It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.---- Norm on Cheers
 
2014-01-25 09:22:17 PM  
They say what about the meek? I say they got a bloody cheek -- Mark E. Smith.
 
2014-01-25 09:22:24 PM  
Forgot

Murphy's Law "Anything that can go wrong will, at the worst possible moment"

Corollary to Murphy's Law. "Murphy was an optimist."
 
2014-01-25 09:22:35 PM  
"If you act like a dumbshiat they'll treat you as an equal." -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
 
2014-01-25 09:22:50 PM  
"Wanderer, who are you? I watch you go on your way, without scorn, without love, with impenetrable eyes - damp and downhearted, like a plumb line that returns unsatisfied from every depth back into the light (what was it looking for down there?), with a breast that does not sigh, with lips that hide their disgust, with a hand that only grips slowly: who are you? What have you done? Take a rest here, this spot is hospitable to everyone, - relax! And whoever you may be: what would you like now? What do you find relaxing? Just name it: I'll give you whatever I have! - "Relaxing? Relaxing? How inquisitive you are! What are you saying! But please, give me - -" What? What? Just say it! - "Another mask! A second mask!" ..."

(Nietzsche)
 
2014-01-25 09:23:12 PM  
"My god, 'Angie,' you don't have to sleep with everyone you date."    --  My Mom
 
2014-01-25 09:23:16 PM  
The same process that makes a banana ripe makes it rotten.
 
2014-01-25 09:23:30 PM  
"You can't make a baby in one month by making nine women pregnant." - unknown

"We proved that!" - David Hyde
 
2014-01-25 09:26:44 PM  
Take one's adversity
Learn from their misfortune
Learn from their pain
Believe in something
Believe in yourself
Turn adversity into ambition
Now blossom into wealth
 
2014-01-25 09:27:34 PM  
"$29.95  No ups, no extras."
 
2014-01-25 09:29:29 PM  
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-Arthur C Clark
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
-Barry Gehm
Any technology, however primitive, is magic to those who don't understand it.
-Florence Ambrose (Mark Stanley)
 
2014-01-25 09:30:05 PM  
Moving to Montana  soon, gonna be a dental floss tycoon

Zappa
 
2014-01-25 09:30:34 PM  
"Absence makes the Beaver wander...."
 
2014-01-25 09:31:34 PM  
i44.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:31:59 PM  
Robert Oppenheimer quoting Hindu scripture:
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
 
2014-01-25 09:33:28 PM  
If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup. - Fr. Jay Leno
 
2014-01-25 09:33:54 PM  
Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver  last night
 
2014-01-25 09:35:06 PM  
Even with all the misfortune in the world, there is only one thing that keeps me up at night: the thought of having insomnia.
 
2014-01-25 09:37:08 PM  
If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shiat! You would not want to submerge your head... nothing but fish going "Ahhhh, fark! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake; it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
 
d23 [TotalFark]
2014-01-25 09:38:47 PM  
www.comedy.co.uk

"Drink!"  "Arse!"

"
 
2014-01-25 09:38:59 PM  
 "Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
   In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Cliff
 
2014-01-25 09:39:04 PM  
Bad artists imitate, great artists steal.

-CipollinaFan.
 
2014-01-25 09:40:20 PM  
Client: "Hind sight is 50/50."
Me: "So... when you look back on things you still only get them half right?"

Giggles of therapy and such.
 
2014-01-25 09:41:54 PM  

angiemama: "My god, 'Angie,' you don't have to sleep with everyone you date."    --  My Mom


How YOU doin'?

 
2014-01-25 09:42:03 PM  
"Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn't have to do it himself."  -- A.H.Weiler (1909-2002) Weiler was a writer, editor and critic whose career at The New York Times spanned more than 50 years
 
2014-01-25 09:44:33 PM  
They say it is important to believe in yourself, but some of you should forget all about that and just believe in me instead.
 
2014-01-25 09:44:47 PM  
If you're doing something half-assed and you want to do it better, do you do it full-assed or no-assed? --Me.
 
2014-01-25 09:45:22 PM  

d23: [www.comedy.co.uk image 180x200]

"Drink!"  "Arse!"

"


FECK!
 
2014-01-25 09:46:20 PM  
Things to remember on Fark:

"Face up.... Ass down."
 
2014-01-25 09:48:24 PM  

Marmilman: I have seen further than others because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.

- Isaac Newton


If I pee far, it's because I stand on the shoulders of giants.- Kevyn Andreyasn
 
2014-01-25 09:48:42 PM  
"I always did want to cornhole me a blind biatch"

-Frank
 
2014-01-25 09:48:51 PM  
Never live your life by a motto. - Ari Hoptman
 
2014-01-25 09:48:58 PM  
"If you fall, I'll be there." -Floor
 
2014-01-25 09:49:17 PM  
First impressions are my forte.
 
2014-01-25 09:49:49 PM  
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife."

Valerie - Princess Bride
 
2014-01-25 09:53:05 PM  
The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on ~ Arabic Proverb
 
2014-01-25 09:55:30 PM  
I've got  a yeast infection in my throat

co-worker
 
2014-01-25 09:55:31 PM  
"Avoid the Clap." - Jimmy Dugan
 
2014-01-25 09:56:31 PM  
The perfect amount of trouble: too much for church, not enough for jail.
 
2014-01-25 09:58:27 PM  
"Show up on time with your lines learned and your shoes shined.
Don't smoke spit or curse.
Never upstage the leading man.
Never romance the Female lead.
(Save it for the character actress)"
|-Hans Conried, advising a young Bob Denver on the acting arts, upon the occasion of Denver's debut on stage on Broadway.-|
 
2014-01-25 10:00:26 PM  
It's hard to say what makes me dynamic. I just thought my forte was piano.
 
2014-01-25 10:01:15 PM  
Titty sprinkles.
Morgan Freeman
 
2014-01-25 10:01:33 PM  
"Don't bother me now, I'm busy dying"

Last words of my great aunt Anita.
 
2014-01-25 10:02:34 PM  
Pennies make dimes, dimes make dollars. - Me
 
2014-01-25 10:05:34 PM  
That which doesn't kill you has rendered you only mostly dead.
 
2014-01-25 10:06:54 PM  
"Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well, and yet, everything only happens in life a certain number of times. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood - an afternoon so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life with out it?  Perhaps 4 or 5 times more?  Perhaps not even that.  How many times will you watch the full moon rise?  Perhaps 20, and yet it all seems limitless...."  Paul Boles' "The Sheltering Sky" and on the grave of Brandon Bruce Lee - 1993
 
2014-01-25 10:09:30 PM  
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did -- in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

 --Jack Handey
 
2014-01-25 10:12:21 PM  
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." -Mel Brooks
 
2014-01-25 10:12:27 PM  
I wouldn't have thought that was counter-intuitive.
 
2014-01-25 10:13:13 PM  
Never stick your dick in crazy.
 
2014-01-25 10:14:33 PM  
Outside if a dog, a book is mans best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx

Everyone loves a mermaid, but I can't understand why.
There's not enough woman to make love to, and too much fish to fry. - Julius "Nipsey" Russell

Hmm just noticed first names after 50 years. I must be getting old.
 
2014-01-25 10:15:42 PM  
OF a dog, damn.
 
2014-01-25 10:15:54 PM  
Don't believe everything you see on the internet.
-Abraham Lincoln
 
2014-01-25 10:15:55 PM  
The only thing you truly own is that which cannot be taken without your permission:  your integrity.

Innovate, never imitate -- but don't reinvent the wheel.

/yours truly
 
2014-01-25 10:16:50 PM  

The5thElement: Never stick your dick in crazy.


"If crazy is the only thing you can stick your dick in, go ahead. And when she's freaking out... and you feel bad for doing it... come to my office. The company takes most major insurances."  -cowgirl toffee
 
2014-01-25 10:17:32 PM  
"The Lord loves a working man."

- Rand Paul
 
2014-01-25 10:18:18 PM  
"We're all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there's no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems-the ones that make you truly who you are-that we're ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you're looking for. You're looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person-someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, "This is the problem I want to have."

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love."

-Galway Kinnell


Also "illegitimi non carborundum." - Vinegar Joe
 
2014-01-25 10:26:07 PM  

The5thElement: Never stick your dick in crazy.


You sir, have cracked the code. Enjoy your month of TF and give those TF Discussion bastages a good thrashing.
 
2014-01-25 10:26:26 PM  
Never trust a woman or an automatic

J Dillinger
 
2014-01-25 10:28:38 PM  
Funny. Idon't  feel tardy

David Lee Roth
 
2014-01-25 10:30:45 PM  
Casio hath called her whore!
 
2014-01-25 10:31:03 PM  
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield
 
2014-01-25 10:34:56 PM  
Quid lucrum istic mihi es?*

*What's in it for me? -- Dortmunder family motto
 
2014-01-25 10:39:29 PM  
"rick a dicka dicka tick tick tok tok riiiiiing ring a ding ding ring a ding ding  rick a dick rick rick a dick rick ring a ding ding ding dong rim rim rim rim"
Micheal and Mayor
 
2014-01-25 10:40:20 PM  
I'd give you a quote.  The problem is, you're going to complain that it's too high.  Then you'll hire someone from China or India who gave you a quote that was literally 1/20th of mine.  That person's going to screw things up royally, at which point you're going to come back and beg me to fix it all. Guess what?  At that point, it's going to cost you 2 - 3 times more, since I have to clean up the mess, re-implement everything and now I have to do it in less than half the time I would have had otherwise.  Plus I'm upping my rate on account of your greed and stupidity.   So, maybe we can skip the formalities, just sign here.

-- MrHappyRotter
 
2014-01-25 10:42:43 PM  
Well then, there was this boy whose
Parents made him come directly home
Right after school
And when they went to their church
They shook and lurched all over the church floor
He couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just gone there...
Mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm
 
2014-01-25 10:44:02 PM  

nekom: Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace. - Rev. Mitch Hedberg




Nothing against Mitch Hedberg, but that was from Bill Hicks.
 
2014-01-25 10:45:24 PM  
"There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute".   -- Jean Luc Picard
 
2014-01-25 10:51:13 PM  

stu1-1: "There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute".   -- Jean Luc Picard


Which is a terrible rewrite of William Blake's "One law for the lion and ox is oppression"
 
2014-01-25 10:55:11 PM  
When you've lost all hope and lost all your dreams,  there's nothing like a campfire, and a can of beans.
 
2014-01-25 10:55:30 PM  
By outward show let's not be cheated.
An ass be shown, an ass be treated!

Mom's favorite.
 
2014-01-25 10:57:26 PM  
Sex on TV never hurt anyone, unless they fell off.
Kind of dated now with console TVs mostly gone.
 
2014-01-25 10:57:47 PM  
This world in arms is not spending money alone.

It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, and the hopes of its children

The cost of one modern heavy bomber is this:A modern brick school in more than 30 cities

It is two electric power plants, each serving a town of 60,000 people

It is 2 fine fully equipped hospitals.

It is some 50 miles of concrete highways.

We pay for a single fighter with half a million bushels of wheat.

We pay for a single destroyer with new homes for more than 8,000 people

This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense.Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron.

Dwight D Eisenhower. Id love to hear what Zombie Ike would have to say about the NSA spying program.
 
2014-01-25 10:58:08 PM  
It takes lots of nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it!
 
2014-01-25 10:59:02 PM  
Your only as old as the women you feel.
Grandpa.
 
2014-01-25 11:03:36 PM  
Threre is no such thing as a free lunch

my mother
 
2014-01-25 11:03:44 PM  
Bookmark

-some farker
 
2014-01-25 11:03:49 PM  
The door is not an asshole, it doesn't close by itself.  My Dad.
 
2014-01-25 11:05:41 PM  
i.ytimg.com

"You're gonna stand there, ownin' a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser?"
 
2014-01-25 11:08:00 PM  
cfaithholland.files.wordpress.com

/no idea who said it first...
 
2014-01-25 11:08:23 PM  
Always finish sex with a bj.  More fun for him, less clean up for you.

;-) me
 
2014-01-25 11:09:09 PM  

baka-san: Never trust a woman or an automatic

J Dillinger


If thats true he was breaking both his rules when he got it, a woman turned him in and he was carrying an automatic when he got shot.
 
2014-01-25 11:11:15 PM  

GGracie: Always finish sex with a bj.  More fun for him, less clean up for you.

;-) me


How you doin'?
 
2014-01-25 11:12:35 PM  
Deny everything.
 
2014-01-25 11:13:14 PM  
If it has tits or tires, it's gonna cause you trouble.
Rand Paul
 
2014-01-25 11:13:46 PM  
Beans, Beans, the musical fruit.
 
2014-01-25 11:13:59 PM  
Everybody's got a plan, until  they get punched  in the face - Mike Tyson

Stay the fark away from the Po Po - Axl  Rose
 
2014-01-25 11:14:04 PM  
nothing good ever came from thinking
 
2014-01-25 11:16:26 PM  
I don't remember being born, and I won't remember dying.
 
2014-01-25 11:18:40 PM  
"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting."    Tinkerbell
 
2014-01-25 11:20:49 PM  
You sleep like a baby?
You wake up crying every few hours and poop your pants?

Grandpa
 
2014-01-25 11:26:11 PM  
In this age, the mere example of non-conformity, the mere refusal to bend the knee to custom, is itself a service. Precisely because the tyranny of opinion is such as to make eccentricity a reproach, it is desirable, in order to break through that tyranny, that people should be eccentric. Eccentricity has always abounded when and where strength of character has abounded; and the amount of eccentricity in a society has generally been proportional to the amount of genius, mental vigor, and moral courage which it contained. That so few now dare to be eccentric, marks the chief danger of the time.
-- John Stuart Mill

And what mjjt posted ...
 
2014-01-25 11:26:31 PM  
What's the difference between an invisible, incorporeal, floating dragon who spits heatless fire and no dragon at all?
- C. Sagan


Life is a trial, and you're always guilty.
- Me
 
2014-01-25 11:27:16 PM  
Cogito ergo sum ( I think therefore I am)   Rene Descartes

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum ( I think I think therefore I think I am)  Ambrose Bierce
 
2014-01-25 11:27:26 PM  
Nobody will stop me 'cause I'm the true underground messiah. When you come to my show you're going to a war and I'm out for violence, chaos, lawlessness all the way. I don't care about anybody or anything except myself and my mission and your kids out there, if you got kids out there they're gonna be my kids. I'm gonna own those kids. They're gonna do anything that I say.

-- Justin Bieber

 I might go and kick somebody in the head, I might grab a girl and force her to perform oral sex with me. I've had sex on stage with men, women and animals and everything in between.

-- Justin Bieber

You wanna eat my shiat, It's on my fingers for you. Alright, I like a little shiat on my side. Makes me feel so good and smell so lovely. I love diarrhea. So much of it for you here.

-- Justin Bieber
 
2014-01-25 11:29:14 PM  

fragMasterFlash: The5thElement: Never stick your dick in crazy.

You sir, have cracked the code. Enjoy your month of TF and give those TF Discussion bastages a good thrashing.


Thank you very much! I certainly appreciate the good will gesture.
 
2014-01-25 11:30:51 PM  
~ No matter how much hard earned money the "we the people" can come up with to build their world the way they want, others have the ability to fire up the fake money presses and dictate their will.
 
2014-01-25 11:33:33 PM  
Economist Paul Samuelson, in response to a journalist who wondered if he shouldn't keep changing his mind on economic issues:

"When events change, I change my mind. What do you do?"

/often attributed to Maynard Keynes, but there's no evidence Keynes ever said it
 
2014-01-25 11:34:50 PM  
"We were convened here to review your nomination for the position of internet secretary. However, on review of your qualifications, we've decided to sentence you to death. An unorthodox move, sure. But the vote was unanimous."
    --xkcd #498: "Secretary: Part 5"

"'How do you fight someone smarter than yourself?'  The answer is simple.  You make her think that you are sitting down across the table from her, ready to play her game.  Then you punch her in the face as hard as you can."
    --Rand, The Gathering Storm

People seemed to like this better, but only marginally so - the way one might prefer to be stabbed than shot. Optimally, one isn't stabbed or shot. Optimally, one eats some cake!  But there are times when cake is not available, and instead we are destroyed.  This is the deep poetry of the universe.
    --Tycho, Penny Arcade (http://www.penny-arcade.com/2007/5/21/)

"Normally, those people would never wake up from their fantasy worlds.  They live meaningless lives.  They waste their precious days over nothing.  No matter how old they get, they'll continue to say, 'My real life hasn't started yet.  The real me is still asleep, so that's why my life is such garbage.'  They continue to tell themselves that.  They continue.  And they age. Then die. And on their deathbeds, they will finally realize: the life they lived was the real thing.  People don't live provisional lives, nor do they die provisional deaths.  That's a simple fact! The problem... is whether they realize that simple fact."
    --? (Kaiji)
 
2014-01-25 11:38:34 PM  
Honor has a time and place.  The middle of a battle for the world is not it.--PsiChick
 
2014-01-25 11:39:22 PM  
"If you're going through hell, keep going"
     - Winston Churchill
 
2014-01-25 11:46:58 PM  
" It's not death we should fear. It's a life poorly lived. For nothing is worse than squandering this precious gift given to us by our creator. "
  - Yakko Warner, "Animaniacs"
 
2014-01-25 11:49:48 PM  
biatch better have my money.

-- Jesus Christ
 
2014-01-25 11:54:12 PM  
I want to leave this world the same way I came into it. By accident...
 
2014-01-25 11:55:08 PM  
"You ain't gonna make any money that way, ya dumbfark!"
- Dear old dad
 
2014-01-25 11:56:15 PM  
...yes you did, you invaded Poland. - Basil Fawlty
 
2014-01-26 12:03:06 AM  
If you were a better lover, your wife wouldn't have vegetable shavings in her vagina.
 
2014-01-26 12:07:19 AM  
Close your dick sucker!
Rand Paul
 
2014-01-26 12:12:24 AM  
Every tool in my tool box is a hammer, except for the screwdriver that a chisel. Someone speaking about his wife.
 
2014-01-26 12:13:55 AM  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p86BPM1GV8M

/the aggregate of our joy and suffering
 
2014-01-26 12:20:53 AM  
If you keep your expectations tiny, you'll go through life without being so whiny. ~Matt Groening, Life in Hell.
 
2014-01-26 12:21:26 AM  
"You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people." - Billy Ray Valentine, Trading Places

"Logic is the beginning of wisdom, Valeris, not the end." - Spock, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
 
2014-01-26 12:22:58 AM  
The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.
-Albert Einstein
 
2014-01-26 12:24:16 AM  
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
 
2014-01-26 12:26:53 AM  
Always, no, never forget to check your references.
 
2014-01-26 12:29:14 AM  
The only time I ever said "no" to a drink was when I misunderstood the question.  -Me

/you can have that one, Drew
 
2014-01-26 12:33:13 AM  
Yo momma
 
2014-01-26 12:34:39 AM  
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

~Mark Twain
 
2014-01-26 12:41:58 AM  
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

Jack Handey
 
2014-01-26 12:50:00 AM  
"Ra-di-a-tion. Yes, indeed. You hear the most outrageous lies about it. Half-baked goggle-box do-gooders telling everybody it's bad for you. Pernicious nonsense! Everybody could stand a hundred chest X-rays a year! They oughta have 'em, too."

~Rand Paul
 
2014-01-26 12:51:30 AM  
"The obvious problem is that 95% of that information is wrong, which follows my popular maxim: 95% of all the shiat that occurs everywhere is completely farked up. The internet is no different." - Mark Rippetoe
 
2014-01-26 12:57:34 AM  
Every time I wake up with a pulse, I know its going to be an awesome day.
 
2014-01-26 01:02:38 AM  
"Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."
 
2014-01-26 01:04:17 AM  

Slick Johnson: Every time I wake up with a pulse, I know its going to be an awesome day.


What happens on the days when they forget that you said, "No onions"? How do you manage?
 
2014-01-26 01:08:45 AM  
Tom Robbins on tequila:

"Tequila, scorpion honey, harsh dew of the doglands, essence of Aztec, crema de cacti; tequila, oily and thermal like the sun in solution; tequila, liquid geometry of passion; Tequila, the buzzard god who copulates in midair with the ascending souls of dying virgins; tequila, firebug in the house of good taste; O tequila, savage water of sorcery, what confusion and mischief your sly, rebellious drops do generate!"

Salud!
 
2014-01-26 01:11:57 AM  
You can't really dust for vomit.
 
2014-01-26 01:15:12 AM  
Way too many believe they are "telling it like it is, when they are only calling it as they see it."
 
2014-01-26 01:19:35 AM  
Never play pool for money with a guy named "Pops", never eat at a place called "Mom's" and always cut the deck.
 
2014-01-26 01:20:29 AM  
"the cure for anything is saltwater. Sweat, Tears, or the Sea."

Isaac Dinesen/Karen Von Blixen
 
2014-01-26 01:30:53 AM  
At a restaurant, never order a hamburger stacked higher than your mouth will open.
 
2014-01-26 01:31:07 AM  

drivingsouth: angiemama: "My god, 'Angie,' you don't have to sleep with everyone you date."    --  My Mom


How YOU doin'?


:)  I don't date anymore...that advice is a couple of decades old now.  :)
 
2014-01-26 01:47:00 AM  
Withdrawing in disgust is not the same as apathy.
 
2014-01-26 01:49:09 AM  
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
 
2014-01-26 01:53:10 AM  
"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes." ― Steve Martin
 
2014-01-26 01:53:54 AM  

angiemama: drivingsouth: angiemama: "My god, 'Angie,' you don't have to sleep with everyone you date."    --  My Mom


How YOU doin'?

:)  I don't date anymore...that advice is a couple of decades old now.  :)


Damnit.
 
2014-01-26 01:56:23 AM  
"The only two things that I know of that are infinite, are the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe."
                       Albert Einstein
 
2014-01-26 02:02:10 AM  
"word to your mother"
 
2014-01-26 02:15:15 AM  
There are 3 kinds of lies: Lies, DAMNED LIES, and statistics. -Mark Twain.
 
2014-01-26 02:16:51 AM  
Never eat at a sushi restaurant on Monday.
 
2014-01-26 02:17:53 AM  
To answer the question what do people want in life is easily answered for most.  For most they want the simplest of things,  they want a person to smile with them.
 
2014-01-26 02:21:10 AM  
"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings."
- Cassius
Julius Caesar (I, ii, 140-141)
 
2014-01-26 02:26:33 AM  
If I could just say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker
 
2014-01-26 02:32:51 AM  
Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it.
 
2014-01-26 03:47:29 AM  
Love is the only reality
and it is not 
a mere sentiment.
it is the ultimate truth 
that lies at the heart 
of creation.
~Rabindranath Tagore
 
2014-01-26 04:25:20 AM  
Looking back on everything I've seen, I sit here with but one question on my mind: What is the life of a Christmas tree?
 
2014-01-26 04:51:08 AM  

nekom: I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use - Sir Morgan Freemen.


a) The man's name is Morgan Freeman
b) He isn't a sir
c) He didn't say this first, if he said it at all.  Gallileo is the first credited with saying it.
 
2014-01-26 05:10:56 AM  

twistedmetal: A child-like man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention.

--Aldous Huxley


Oh I love LOVE this one. It enables me! MAN-CHILD FOREVAHHH!
 
2014-01-26 05:47:13 AM  
You can't go back
You can go on

/77's
 
2014-01-26 06:05:40 AM  
I have the body of a 15 year old.
I keep it in the freezer.
 
2014-01-26 06:35:11 AM  
Let me tell you about the girls in my life
My mama always treated me mean
But that's not the same...
Lost without a dame

-Daniel Johnston
 
2014-01-26 08:02:17 AM  
knuckledraggin.com
 
2014-01-26 08:23:07 AM  
i.imgur.com

"No."
 
2014-01-26 08:55:22 AM  
"The greatness comes not when things go always good for you, but the greatness comes when you're really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain." - Richard Nixon
 
2014-01-26 09:01:11 AM  
"We are all in this together, by ourselves."

"The three hardest tasks in the world are neither physical feats nor intellectual achievements, but moral acts: to return love for hate, to include the excluded, and to say, 'I was wrong'." - Sydney Harris
 
2014-01-26 09:20:00 AM  
"They called it paradise, I don't know why.
You call someplace paradise, kiss it goodbye."  - Eagles,The Last Resort

"You can't go home again." - Thomas Wolfe

****


"When in doubt, don't."

"You can't out nickel and dime your employees."

/mine
 
2014-01-26 09:24:53 AM  
Life is what happens while your busy making plans
 
2014-01-26 09:48:56 AM  
If you want to be important-wonderful. If you want to be recognized-wonderful. If you want to be great-wonderful. But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. That's a new definition of greatness.

Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don't have to know Einstein's theory of relativity to serve. You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love. And you can be that servant.

Excerpted from The Drum Major Instinct sermon of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Delivered at Ebenezer Baptist Church, Atlanta, Georgia, on 4 February 1968
 
2014-01-26 10:17:47 AM  
"It is already like a government job," he said, "but with goats."
-- Iranian goat smuggler

"Don't compare me to the almighty, compare me to the alternative."
-- Barack Obama, fundraiser in California, 09-24-11

"The young naked man approached her with this poodle, and she immediately realized something peculiar."
-- As reported on WNEM, Michigan

"Queen Elizabeth has 10 times the lifespan of workers and lays up to 2,000 eggs a day..."
-- Reuters Typo

"He used a digital program called Photoshop, and in Photoshop you can do things."
-- NPR, explaining doing things to photos

"God's light and God's life ooze over me like warm butter."
-- Gay Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson

"I'm not the guy you come in and dump on without getting punched in the mouth."
-- Orrin Hatch, US Senator, Utah

"By the third time...I was like, you know, this is gratuitous. I do not need to see any more mayonnaise enemas for the rest of my lifetime."
-- Winnipeg Fringe Festival critic
 
2014-01-26 11:09:38 AM  
"Show me a good loser and I will show you a loser."
-some Premier League commentator
 
2014-01-26 11:45:24 AM  

aharown: nekom: I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forego their use - Sir Morgan Freemen.

a) The man's name is Morgan Freeman
b) He isn't a sir
c) He didn't say this first, if he said it at all.  Gallileo is the first credited with saying it.


[thatsthejoke.jpg]
 
2014-01-26 11:52:37 AM  
No matter where you go... there you are.  -- Buckaroo Banzai
 
Kiz
2014-01-26 12:35:11 PM  
Everyone always exaggerates.
 
2014-01-26 01:04:44 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-26 01:17:08 PM  
joshuakeith.net
 
2014-01-26 01:28:59 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-26 01:56:31 PM  
I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
 
2014-01-26 02:10:14 PM  
There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people asking.

If you like your health insurance, you can keep it. Period
 
2014-01-26 02:16:06 PM  
Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face and she says she can't go to hospital because she's, quote, "tripping balls." - Woodhouse

I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!  - Calvin
 
2014-01-26 02:17:06 PM  
At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child - miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.


I have often been called a Nazi, and, although it is unfair, I don't let it bother me. I don't let it bother me for one simple reason. No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.

PJ O'Rourke
 
2014-01-26 02:59:49 PM  

Lee451: At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child - miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.


I have often been called a Nazi, and, although it is unfair, I don't let it bother me. I don't let it bother me for one simple reason. No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.

PJ O'Rourke


Mmmm I have, she is sooo hot (fair, understanding and inclusive) how could I not .... ?
 
2014-01-26 03:34:18 PM  
Written laws are like spiders' webs , and will like them only entangle and hold the poor and weak, while the rich and powerful easily break through them.

Anacharsis


Nothing has been better proven than this maxim: that one succeeds in having too much only by causing others not to have enough.

François-Noël Babeuf
 
2014-01-26 03:41:50 PM  
 "Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore, give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions, and determine to pay the price for a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. Remain steadfast... and one day you will build something that endures, something worthy of your potential."

Epictetus


"The path of least resistance makes all rivers, and some men, crooked."

Napolean Hill
 
2014-01-26 04:01:50 PM  
"Things are more like they are now, then they ever have been."
George H.W. Bush
 
2014-01-26 04:16:28 PM  
"I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member."

~ Tiger (Grouco) Woods
 
2014-01-26 04:20:58 PM  
We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.

~Oscar Wilde
 
2014-01-26 04:40:24 PM  

nekom: Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace. - Rev. Mitch Hedberg


It wasn't Mitch Hedberg - It was the late, great Bill Hicks who made this statement.
 
2014-01-26 04:47:08 PM  
It's better to bite the hand that feeds you than to lick the hand that beats you.
 
2014-01-26 05:02:36 PM  

Bith Set Me Up: It's better to bite the hand that feeds you than to lick the hand that beats you.


What if you're out of lube?
 
2014-01-26 05:31:06 PM  

Bith Set Me Up: It's better to bite the hand that feeds you than to lick the hand that beats you.


Gold.
 
2014-01-26 05:55:39 PM  
Alienation is the opposite of self delusion.
 
2014-01-26 06:06:25 PM  
fark YOU. fark YOU THROUGH THE HEART. i HOPE YOU AND YOUR LAWYER DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL, BURNING DEATH, YOU WHORE.

/ I'm sorry
// no one will read this, this far down in the comments
/// seriously though, read the comment
 
2014-01-26 06:18:17 PM  
What happened was this: I got an image in my head that never got out. We see a great many things and can remember a great many things, but that is different. We get very few of the true images in our heads of the kind I am talking about, the kind which become more and more vivid for us as if the passage of the years did not obscure their reality but, year by year, drew off another veil to expose a meaning which we had only dimly surmised at first. Very probably the last veil will not be removed, for there are not enough years, but the brightness of the image increases and our conviction increases that the brightness is meaning, or the legend of meaning, and without the image our lives would be nothing except an old piece of film rolled on a spool and thrown into a desk drawer among the unanswered letters.
- Robert Penn Warren, All the King's Men
 
2014-01-26 07:51:07 PM  
I shaved my balls for this?
 
2014-01-26 08:30:06 PM  
Two :

The best diplomat I know is a fully charged phase bank - Commander Montgomery Scott

The man who is bitter against the world has only himself to blame - Henry Lawson via Garnet Rogers
 
2014-01-26 09:21:44 PM  

jamspoon: Mr_Fabulous: CluelessMoron: Nobody ever dies, if they live on within you.

/My mother died last week.
//fark cancer with a rusty chainsaw.  Goddamnit.  fark.


I'm so sorry. Stay strong.

Lost mine last October. If people ask, tell them about her. It will help build your internal narrative and give you closure (even if they glaze over after a while)


Thank you jams and mr_fabs.  Keeping with the theme:

    Little things help far more than you might think.
 
2014-01-26 11:47:45 PM  
4.bp.blogspot.com
 
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