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1223 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Jan 2014 at 8:09 PM (47 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-25 09:17:08 PM  
"Never fear the man with the scar. Fear the one who gave it to him."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"If all the girls at the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." - Dorothy Parker

"Listen to me, butterfly: There's only so much wine you can drink in one life, but it will never save you from the bottom of your glass." - The Handsome Family
 
2014-01-25 09:18:26 PM  
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

- Albert Einstein

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching

- John Wooden
 
2014-01-25 09:18:34 PM  
"If you don't love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else?"

-RuPaul

//Can I get a Amen up in here?
 
2014-01-25 09:18:51 PM  
You can't have everything, where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright

If you want immortality, say something memorable  ~ Anonymous

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us  ~ Presidential Candidate

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just STFU.
 
2014-01-25 09:19:43 PM  
Save your money-Dad
 
2014-01-25 09:22:12 PM  
It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.---- Norm on Cheers
 
2014-01-25 09:22:17 PM  
They say what about the meek? I say they got a bloody cheek -- Mark E. Smith.
 
2014-01-25 09:22:24 PM  
Forgot

Murphy's Law "Anything that can go wrong will, at the worst possible moment"

Corollary to Murphy's Law. "Murphy was an optimist."
 
2014-01-25 09:22:35 PM  
"If you act like a dumbshiat they'll treat you as an equal." -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
 
2014-01-25 09:22:50 PM  
"Wanderer, who are you? I watch you go on your way, without scorn, without love, with impenetrable eyes - damp and downhearted, like a plumb line that returns unsatisfied from every depth back into the light (what was it looking for down there?), with a breast that does not sigh, with lips that hide their disgust, with a hand that only grips slowly: who are you? What have you done? Take a rest here, this spot is hospitable to everyone, - relax! And whoever you may be: what would you like now? What do you find relaxing? Just name it: I'll give you whatever I have! - "Relaxing? Relaxing? How inquisitive you are! What are you saying! But please, give me - -" What? What? Just say it! - "Another mask! A second mask!" ..."

(Nietzsche)
 
2014-01-25 09:23:12 PM  
"My god, 'Angie,' you don't have to sleep with everyone you date."    --  My Mom
 
2014-01-25 09:23:16 PM  
The same process that makes a banana ripe makes it rotten.
 
2014-01-25 09:23:30 PM  
"You can't make a baby in one month by making nine women pregnant." - unknown

"We proved that!" - David Hyde
 
2014-01-25 09:26:44 PM  
Take one's adversity
Learn from their misfortune
Learn from their pain
Believe in something
Believe in yourself
Turn adversity into ambition
Now blossom into wealth
 
2014-01-25 09:27:34 PM  
"$29.95  No ups, no extras."
 
2014-01-25 09:29:29 PM  
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-Arthur C Clark
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
-Barry Gehm
Any technology, however primitive, is magic to those who don't understand it.
-Florence Ambrose (Mark Stanley)
 
2014-01-25 09:30:05 PM  
Moving to Montana  soon, gonna be a dental floss tycoon

Zappa
 
2014-01-25 09:30:34 PM  
"Absence makes the Beaver wander...."
 
2014-01-25 09:31:34 PM  
i44.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-25 09:31:59 PM  
Robert Oppenheimer quoting Hindu scripture:
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
 
2014-01-25 09:33:28 PM  
If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup. - Fr. Jay Leno
 
2014-01-25 09:33:54 PM  
Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver  last night
 
2014-01-25 09:35:06 PM  
Even with all the misfortune in the world, there is only one thing that keeps me up at night: the thought of having insomnia.
 
2014-01-25 09:37:08 PM  
If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shiat! You would not want to submerge your head... nothing but fish going "Ahhhh, fark! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake; it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
 
d23 [TotalFark]
2014-01-25 09:38:47 PM  
www.comedy.co.uk

"Drink!"  "Arse!"

"
 
2014-01-25 09:38:59 PM  
 "Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
   In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Cliff
 
2014-01-25 09:39:04 PM  
Bad artists imitate, great artists steal.

-CipollinaFan.
 
2014-01-25 09:40:20 PM  
Client: "Hind sight is 50/50."
Me: "So... when you look back on things you still only get them half right?"

Giggles of therapy and such.
 
2014-01-25 09:41:54 PM  

angiemama: "My god, 'Angie,' you don't have to sleep with everyone you date."    --  My Mom


How YOU doin'?

 
2014-01-25 09:42:03 PM  
"Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn't have to do it himself."  -- A.H.Weiler (1909-2002) Weiler was a writer, editor and critic whose career at The New York Times spanned more than 50 years
 
2014-01-25 09:44:33 PM  
They say it is important to believe in yourself, but some of you should forget all about that and just believe in me instead.
 
2014-01-25 09:44:47 PM  
If you're doing something half-assed and you want to do it better, do you do it full-assed or no-assed? --Me.
 
2014-01-25 09:45:22 PM  

d23: [www.comedy.co.uk image 180x200]

"Drink!"  "Arse!"

"


FECK!
 
2014-01-25 09:46:20 PM  
Things to remember on Fark:

"Face up.... Ass down."
 
2014-01-25 09:48:24 PM  

Marmilman: I have seen further than others because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.

- Isaac Newton


If I pee far, it's because I stand on the shoulders of giants.- Kevyn Andreyasn
 
2014-01-25 09:48:42 PM  
"I always did want to cornhole me a blind biatch"

-Frank
 
2014-01-25 09:48:51 PM  
Never live your life by a motto. - Ari Hoptman
 
2014-01-25 09:48:58 PM  
"If you fall, I'll be there." -Floor
 
2014-01-25 09:49:17 PM  
First impressions are my forte.
 
2014-01-25 09:49:49 PM  
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife."

Valerie - Princess Bride
 
2014-01-25 09:53:05 PM  
The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on ~ Arabic Proverb
 
2014-01-25 09:55:30 PM  
I've got  a yeast infection in my throat

co-worker
 
2014-01-25 09:55:31 PM  
"Avoid the Clap." - Jimmy Dugan
 
2014-01-25 09:56:31 PM  
The perfect amount of trouble: too much for church, not enough for jail.
 
2014-01-25 09:58:27 PM  
"Show up on time with your lines learned and your shoes shined.
Don't smoke spit or curse.
Never upstage the leading man.
Never romance the Female lead.
(Save it for the character actress)"
|-Hans Conried, advising a young Bob Denver on the acting arts, upon the occasion of Denver's debut on stage on Broadway.-|
 
2014-01-25 10:00:26 PM  
It's hard to say what makes me dynamic. I just thought my forte was piano.
 
2014-01-25 10:01:15 PM  
Titty sprinkles.
Morgan Freeman
 
2014-01-25 10:01:33 PM  
"Don't bother me now, I'm busy dying"

Last words of my great aunt Anita.
 
2014-01-25 10:02:34 PM  
Pennies make dimes, dimes make dollars. - Me
 
2014-01-25 10:05:34 PM  
That which doesn't kill you has rendered you only mostly dead.
 
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