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1223 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Jan 2014 at 8:09 PM (47 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-25 08:31:29 PM  
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."

-Abraham Simpson
 
2014-01-25 08:31:46 PM  
There are only twenty-four hours in a day, and there is only one of me.
 
2014-01-25 08:32:44 PM  
We are all equal in our own way
 
2014-01-25 08:33:03 PM  
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" - Edwin Stanton
 
2014-01-25 08:33:25 PM  
don't stir shiat if you're unwilling to lick the spoon
 
2014-01-25 08:33:40 PM  
Even if she's one in a million, that means there's 300 girls exactly like her in America alone
- Angel Soto
 
2014-01-25 08:34:44 PM  
"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."

- Shia LaBeouf
 
2014-01-25 08:34:45 PM  
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

    Terry Pratchett
 
2014-01-25 08:34:56 PM  
"Nothing in Life is worth doing half-assed." --me, 1995ish.

My friend Kari thought this was way more useful/inspiring than most of the stuff I say. The trouble is that I was probably ripping some other quotable person off, and I have no idea who I was quoting. Anyhow. Thank you, and keep reaching for the stairs....
 
2014-01-25 08:35:01 PM  
"As an upholsterer, I had a one legged client who had issues with his personal fart catcher.
I mad his seat and he biatched about it, and would not pay me.
So I visited him and asked what the problem was.
He was telling me all about his ass pain and I hoisted up his good leg and pulled the fart catcher out and said, "Well, then. Good day to you, sir", and left.
Bastard was on the floor rolling about screaming he would sue me.
Fark him.
I did a tuck and roll and buttons and head to head tacks and he was biatching about it?
Fark him, and would not assist again..."


I don't know why, but this is one of the best posts I ever saw on Fark.
 
2014-01-25 08:35:07 PM  
Be excellent to each other.  --Bill & Ted
 
2014-01-25 08:35:07 PM  
Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe.  --Hunter S. Thompson
 
2014-01-25 08:35:23 PM  
It may be a long quote but still my favourite.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pfwY2TNehw
 
2014-01-25 08:35:31 PM  
A gun is like a plunger. You hope to hell you never need it, but if you need one and don't have it you're screwed.
 
2014-01-25 08:35:37 PM  
"Anybody who ever told you that it's not about the money clearly doesn't have to worry about it."
 
2014-01-25 08:35:38 PM  
Life sucks, then you die, then they throw dirt in your face, then the worms eat you.  Be grateful it happens in that order.
 
2014-01-25 08:35:49 PM  
"You'll get over it."  -Drew
 
2014-01-25 08:35:53 PM  
"There are things I've done that I wouldn't do again
But I'm glad that I did 'cause I've learned from them " - Beastie Boys - The Update - Ill communication.
 
2014-01-25 08:36:03 PM  
One who stands on top of toilet is high on pot.
 
2014-01-25 08:36:05 PM  
Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a night.

Set a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
 
2014-01-25 08:36:10 PM  
"If you like your insurance, you can keep it"

President Obama
 
2014-01-25 08:36:29 PM  
"Every attempt to make war easy and safe will result in humiliation and disaster." - William Tecumseh Sherman

"Funny, really, 'cause I'd never thought of it, but being middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesn't it?" - Ringo Starr, A Hard Day's Night

"Evil... has every advantage but one - it is inferior in imagination. Good can imagine the possibility of becoming evil... but Evil, defiantly chosen, can no longer imagine anything but itself." - W.H. Auden

"You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get." - Del Griffith, Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man." - A Clockwork Orange

"Do what you want to do, and go where you're going to. Think for yourself, 'cause I won't be there with you." - The Beatles

"All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much." - The Beatles
 
2014-01-25 08:37:01 PM  
Everyone is a Cu*nt. Except Me. And I have a big cock.

/Personal fav: Abe Lincoln - " I let WHO free?"
 
2014-01-25 08:37:02 PM  
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

--Shia Lebouf
 
2014-01-25 08:37:06 PM  
"As long as there is music, I am immortal, and I have lived forever if I can remember a song." - bunner
 
2014-01-25 08:37:12 PM  
"And I'm successful because I'm a hard ass worker" - Bristol Palin
 
2014-01-25 08:37:16 PM  
Brap is always funny.
 
2014-01-25 08:37:17 PM  
Some people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience.
Bret the Hitman Hart
 
2014-01-25 08:37:21 PM  
Damn you Fritriac
 
2014-01-25 08:38:30 PM  
"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."

W.S. Churchill
 
2014-01-25 08:38:47 PM  
"Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers"

- Confucious
 
2014-01-25 08:38:47 PM  
"You're better off with the hundred."
--Louie De Palma
 
2014-01-25 08:38:59 PM  
A word to the wise is infuriating.
- Hunter S. Thompson
 
2014-01-25 08:39:14 PM  
Thank you for being.  Your existence is a gift, so long as you're not a dick about it.
 
2014-01-25 08:39:25 PM  
No one wants advice - only corroboration.

John Steinbeck
 
2014-01-25 08:39:41 PM  
"Stop playing with yourself!!"
 
2014-01-25 08:39:55 PM  
Nothing easily gained is ever truly worthwhile.
 
2014-01-25 08:39:56 PM  
I aim to misbehave.

Mal Reynolds.

I really am ruggedly handsome

Richard Castle
 
2014-01-25 08:40:14 PM  
Never play chicken with a passive aggressive.
 
2014-01-25 08:40:17 PM  
Never trust a skinny chef.
 
2014-01-25 08:40:52 PM  
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate it. -- unknown
 
2014-01-25 08:41:41 PM  
"Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." --Bob Seger

"May the bridges I burn light the way." --Dylan McKay
 
2014-01-25 08:41:49 PM  
"Stay away from crazy people"
 
2014-01-25 08:41:54 PM  
Take what you want and pay for it.
 
2014-01-25 08:42:01 PM  
People are assholes.
 
2014-01-25 08:43:18 PM  
To the Clintons, there's no such thing as strangers, just friends whose checks haven't yet cleared. -- Mark Steyn
 
2014-01-25 08:43:25 PM  
A quote that reminds me of my father. He had cut it out and taped to his toolbox. It's just a piece of the whole poem.


"They copied all they could follow, but they couldn't copy my mind,
And I left 'em sweating and stealing a year and a half behind."
Rudyard Kipling. 1894
The "Mary Gloster"
 
2014-01-25 08:43:56 PM  
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same god who has endowed us with senses, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.  -- Galileo
 
2014-01-25 08:43:56 PM  
"Fark 'em if they can't take a joke."

- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
 
2014-01-25 08:44:14 PM  
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, eventually, your life will end.
 
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