Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Time)   Confessions of a funeral home director. After reading this you may need a stiff drink   (healthland.time.com) divider line 50
    More: Interesting, executive directors, confessions, Undertaker  
•       •       •

16399 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jan 2014 at 4:41 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



50 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-01-22 12:17:41 AM  
I might need a stiff drink after reading an incomplete article that links to a shiatty blog?
 
2014-01-22 01:08:24 AM  
Still a good read. No one wants to contemplate dying tomorrow or what that aftermath might bring (even if you aren't married or have kids). I appreciate the straight talk from the blog at least. I've always wanted the most eco friendly way (naked + thrown in a hole), but with the cost cremated is probably the best. Who wants to dump a giant bill on your family to be buried in a place that they'll ultimately never visit?
 
2014-01-22 01:25:51 AM  

bearded clamorer: I might need a stiff drink after reading an incomplete article that links to a shiatty blog?


To say nothing of the randomly bolded phrases which lure the eye and do nothing to help the flow of the reading.
 
2014-01-22 03:52:33 AM  
Oh lawd, that's nothing.

/used to go boating with a mortician+FHD dude
//stories were fabulously dark, inappropriate and hilarious
 
2014-01-22 04:45:33 AM  
If you're in the market for a crematory, consider Tibetan sky burial as an ecologically friendly alternative. It costs nothing, and makes for an interesting conversation starter.

Paying a mortician to suck all the fluids out of your loved one, then pump them back up with formaldehyde is the weird custom, not cremation nor sky burial.
 
2014-01-22 04:53:39 AM  
Does this story involve an aquarium heater inserted in an orifice?
 
2014-01-22 04:56:56 AM  
I am going the viking route. It has been decided.
 
2014-01-22 04:57:51 AM  
Funeral Homes are a business and exist to make money. I'm not sure why people keep acting like this is a new thing, they've done it for ages.
 
2014-01-22 05:06:55 AM  

bearded clamorer: I might need a stiff drink after reading an incomplete article that links to a shiatty blog?


ya....this.
 
2014-01-22 05:42:03 AM  
An article that is really an ad to read a blog.  Cute.

I've had my bad experiences with the funeral industry.  My father passed away a few years ago after a long illness.  My sister and I went to the cemetery with the funeral director, and no sooner than we had been shown the plot and discussed the ceremony, they were on both of us to "think about our loved ones, and make sure that your last wishes are honored" etc.  I think I'd rather deal with ten used car salesmen than these vultures.

/gonna be turned into fish food when I shuffle off the coil
 
2014-01-22 05:56:23 AM  
i1.kym-cdn.com
 
2014-01-22 06:04:20 AM  
When I die I want to be fossilized, specifically lithified,  I want my bones to turn to rocks over the course of millions of years.  Dumb dinosaurs managed to do this by accident, an intelligent house ape like myself should be able to make it happen as well.  Mr. Tealeaf is well aware of my wishes, but I am hesitant to actually put this in my will in case the clause invalidates the whole thing ("You say she was of sound mind when she wrote this, Mr. Tealeaf?")

Forget the fancy box.  I want to find a funeral director that can deliver this way of dealing with my uninhabited  meat sack when the time comes.
 
2014-01-22 06:09:10 AM  
+1 subby

/subtle
 
2014-01-22 06:12:50 AM  
media4.s-nbcnews.com

I'll have another White Russian.
 
2014-01-22 06:20:16 AM  
When i die I want to be stuffed and posed crouching in attack posture.
 
2014-01-22 06:46:39 AM  
love the item about the ton of bacon in the car
 
2014-01-22 06:48:59 AM  
A  link to a review of a Confessions of a Funeral Director blog? Why not cut out the middle man and link to Confessions of a Funeral Director blog itself?

http://www.calebwilde.com/
 
2014-01-22 07:10:23 AM  

Piizzadude: I am going the viking route. It has been decided.


Permafrost where you live?
 
2014-01-22 07:29:35 AM  

ongbok: When i die I want to be stuffed and posed crouching in attack posture.


Incidently, that's the same as the 'sub-serviant being recieving unpleasant butt sex' posture.
 
2014-01-22 07:31:19 AM  
sorting out one's personal affairs well in advance of death shields family members from being swindled.

A clear written plan and funeral pre-arrangement is definitely the way to go.  It's paid for, it's taken care of.  No sketchy funeral home will triple-bill your family.  No relatives will invite any clergy you wouldn't have approved of.  Worry-free, except for the dying part.

Unless, like my mother in law, you periodically become convinced your pre-arrangement is a swindle, and switch it between funeral homes every year or so, so even your own daughter has no idea what your plans are.
 
2014-01-22 07:40:17 AM  

No Such Agency: sorting out one's personal affairs well in advance of death shields family members from being swindled.

A clear written plan and funeral pre-arrangement is definitely the way to go.  It's paid for, it's taken care of.  No sketchy funeral home will triple-bill your family.  No relatives will invite any clergy you wouldn't have approved of.  Worry-free, except for the dying part.

Unless, like my mother in law, you periodically become convinced your pre-arrangement is a swindle, and switch it between funeral homes every year or so, so even your own daughter has no idea what your plans are.


Many states actually hold the preneed contracts funds, or insure/guarantee them. If you aren't in one of those states purchasing a life insurance policy to match the anticipated cost is a good option. It can be assigned to the funeral home.
 
2014-01-22 07:57:27 AM  
I think subby had one too many stiff drinks before submitting this, then the mod must have been three sheets to the wind to green light it.
 
2014-01-22 08:03:55 AM  
To cut to the chase, yes, they will pork your corpse.
 
2014-01-22 08:38:38 AM  

gameshowhost: Oh lawd, that's nothing.
/used to go boating with a mortician+FHD dude
//stories were fabulously dark, inappropriate and hilarious


i've had similarly great convos with an acquaintance who is a train engineer.  he speaks quite candidly about people getting "smeared".  you'd be amazed at how common it [apparently] is.
 
2014-01-22 08:39:16 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: If you're in the market for a crematory, consider Tibetan sky burial as an ecologically friendly alternative. It costs nothing, and makes for an interesting conversation starter.

Paying a mortician to suck all the fluids out of your loved one, then pump them back up with formaldehyde is the weird custom, not cremation nor sky burial.


THIS..  I have strict instructions that my body is to be burned in the most economically efficient way possible then my remains are to be put into the trash. No ceremony or other stupid crap, just have a small party with family and friends. I have warned my immediate family that I will haunt them for eternity if my wishes are not followed.Graveyards are as dumb as golf courses.

/ angry ghostie etc
// it's my dead failed body, not me, you ghouls..
/// don't buy the" it helps the grieving" crap..it's all a scam -  get on with your life
 
2014-01-22 08:55:45 AM  
Cremation is my way to go but I haven't decided if I want the ashes to sit in an urn with family, in a mausoleum, or be spread somewhere. I suppose it doesn't matter much but I think it's probably better if I decide rather than have people unsure or fighting about it.
 
2014-01-22 09:58:08 AM  
I have left strict instructions with my family to stage an elaborate murder scene after my death.

My body shall be placed naked in the woods with my left leg cut off and sewn to to the top of my head. My pinkie fingers will be shoved on my front teeth so they look like little flesh fangs. Old condoms will be tossed about randomly, but filled with dog semen. I will have a tommahawk placed in each hand. My stomach is to be impailed with 14 sharpened carrots. A note will be nailed to a nearby tree that reads "Who watches the watchmen?". A note on an opposite tree will read "Watchwatchmen. That's who". There will be stack of hula-hoops 5 feet high. In the center of the hula-hoops will be an egg roll.

I figure this will make for an interesting time for the police.
 
2014-01-22 10:18:10 AM  
 
2014-01-22 10:30:33 AM  
 
2014-01-22 10:32:29 AM  

Scaevola: Imma let ya finish, but,   This is the best story about funeral preparation of all time.

OF ALL TIME!


meh
 
2014-01-22 10:57:55 AM  

Lady J: Scaevola: Imma let ya finish, but,   This is the best story about funeral preparation of all time.

OF ALL TIME!

meh


Sorry.  Should have qualified that: the greatest of all time without reference to necrophilia.  Didn't mean to get your hopes up, ma'am.
 
2014-01-22 11:04:30 AM  

Taima: An article that is really an ad to read a blog.  Cute.

I've had my bad experiences with the funeral industry.  My father passed away a few years ago after a long illness.  My sister and I went to the cemetery with the funeral director, and no sooner than we had been shown the plot and discussed the ceremony, they were on both of us to "think about our loved ones, and make sure that your last wishes are honored" etc.  I think I'd rather deal with ten used car salesmen than these vultures.

/gonna be turned into fish food when I shuffle off the coil


When my mother died the funeral home in town was over the top awesome.  No pressure, nothing but kindness.  The funeral director even determined that mom could be inurned at Arlington National Cemetery due to my dad's service.  He took care of all of arranging everything from a local funeral in NC to the final service up at Arlington.  His name is F.K. McFarland and they jokingly and accurately say F.K. stands for funeral king.

http://www.mcfarlandfuneralchapel.com
 
2014-01-22 11:46:23 AM  
.. however, would make an interesting Pinterest ..
 
2014-01-22 12:01:15 PM  
Who doesn't like to come home from work and crack open a cold one?
 
2014-01-22 12:32:30 PM  
Put me in a cardboard box and burn me. Veneration of the dead body is ridiculous.
 
2014-01-22 01:48:01 PM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: To cut to the chase, yes, they will pork your corpse.


Is that what it takes to get a little action around here?
 
2014-01-22 02:01:21 PM  
Caitlin Doughty's 'Ask A Mortician' series is a lot of fun...  but part of that is because I think she's cute.
 
2014-01-22 02:20:57 PM  
 
2014-01-22 02:30:46 PM  
I work in a hospital. One of the worst things I've ever seen was a funeral director discussing the plans for the funeral with the wife of the ill person, while he was sleeping. The ill person walked out of the hospital a few days later.

Then died a few months later.

Still, that's pretty slimy, on the wife and the funeral director's part. What a sheister
 
2014-01-22 02:34:48 PM  
If you haven't seen the PBS Frontline episode on a funeral home in MIchigan, it's excellent.
 
2014-01-22 03:03:02 PM  

ukexpat: Put me in a cardboard box and burn me. Veneration of the dead body is ridiculous.


What about donating your body to "the boneyard" (that farm where they have decaying corpses scattered around)?

/Or...trash comes on Thursdays, put me in a bag on the curb the night before.
 
2014-01-22 05:28:09 PM  
Yes, a story about a blog. But it's a really good blog for a change. Thanks.
 
2014-01-22 05:35:07 PM  
My Dad died last month.
He had already arranged to donate his body to a local Medical School. So no coffin/urn etc.
Interestingly, the Medical School did NOT pay for transportation of the body from his condo to the school, which cost about $500. The reason for this is so that no money goes from the school to the deceased/family, so as to avoid even the appearance of paying for the body.
Then we all got together, told funny stories about him, and lifted a glass - exactly as he had told us to do. My oldest son had been in Ireland when Dad died, and brought a bottle of Jamieson from the Dublin distillery.
 
2014-01-22 05:51:43 PM  

ongbok: When i die I want to be stuffed and posed crouching in attack posture.


Choose your taxidermist carefully...

www.eversostrange.com
 
2014-01-22 06:14:29 PM  
I did a stint as a funeral director for a while.  But then I got caught operating without a license, so I had to stop that.
 
2014-01-22 06:34:02 PM  

LoneCraneFullMoon: I did a stint as a funeral director for a while.  But then I got caught operating without a license having a cold one after work, so I had to stop that.


FTFY
 
2014-01-22 11:11:20 PM  

MythDragon: I have left strict instructions with my family to stage an elaborate murder scene after my death.

My body shall be placed naked in the woods with my left leg cut off and sewn to to the top of my head. My pinkie fingers will be shoved on my front teeth so they look like little flesh fangs. Old condoms will be tossed about randomly, but filled with dog semen. I will have a tommahawk placed in each hand. My stomach is to be impailed with 14 sharpened carrots. A note will be nailed to a nearby tree that reads "Who watches the watchmen?". A note on an opposite tree will read "Watchwatchmen. That's who". There will be stack of hula-hoops 5 feet high. In the center of the hula-hoops will be an egg roll.

I figure this will make for an interesting time for the police.


How are you going to get the dog semen out of your stomach and into the condoms? Or do you have a supply?
 
2014-01-22 11:24:00 PM  
I want to be made into one those imitation diamonds. I don't even wear jewelry,but I think it'd be neat (if the process is easy and inexpensive by then).

*granddaughter looking at sparkly ring*
Somebody: "that is lovely!"
GD: "yes....it was my grandmother."
Somebody: "...did you mean it was your grandmother's ring?"
GD: "whatever."
 
2014-01-23 06:22:46 AM  
I plan to change my name before I die. There are only five people who would have any reason to come to my funeral and by the time it happens I'll probably be down to one or two. Might as well save 'em the hassle.

/Randy Butternubs
 
2014-01-23 08:36:01 AM  

VIDEOWALLART: MythDragon: I have left strict instructions with my family to stage an elaborate murder scene after my death.

My body shall be placed naked in the woods with my left leg cut off and sewn to to the top of my head. My pinkie fingers will be shoved on my front teeth so they look like little flesh fangs. Old condoms will be tossed about randomly, but filled with dog semen. I will have a tommahawk placed in each hand. My stomach is to be impailed with 14 sharpened carrots. A note will be nailed to a nearby tree that reads "Who watches the watchmen?". A note on an opposite tree will read "Watchwatchmen. That's who". There will be stack of hula-hoops 5 feet high. In the center of the hula-hoops will be an egg roll.

I figure this will make for an interesting time for the police.

How are you going to get the dog semen out of your stomach and into the condoms? Or do you have a supply?


That's for my family to figure out. Not my problem.
 
Displayed 50 of 50 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report