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(MLive.com)   Nurses have to deal with every jerkoff patient that shows up on their ward   (mlive.com) divider line 76
    More: Dumbass, Washtenaw County, nurses, Security Service, hospitals  
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13945 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Jan 2014 at 11:42 PM (34 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-19 04:00:40 AM

berylman: glmorrs1: I have a patient that I transport on a pretty regular basis who likes to jack off in the back of the unit. One day he did it, no lie, five times in a 15 minute ride.

How do you know it wasn't one 15-minute session with brief intermissions every 3 minutes to calm down a little? This is important stuff!


I'm just assuming. He put his hand in his pants and starts going to town, and after a couple minutes he goes "uuugghhhhhh!" and starts panting. Like a minute later his hand is back in his pants and he does it all over again. My partner's dying laughing and I'm just praying to whatever gods will listen that he doesn't try to touch me.
 
2014-01-19 04:11:39 AM

John's Long Mustache: This guy must be a real shiat head.  The only time I've seen stuff like this taken to the cops or even security is when the patient is a repeat customer who always does awful things.  Eventually they screw up enough that it's worth the hassle of doing the paperwork to not have to take care of them anymore.

This is also how I learned that spitting on people counts as assault.


I've got another patient that likes to hit people. And for an almost 90yr old, the farker's got quite a swing. I've personally seen him drop two people to their knees: a female paramedic when he got her in the gut an knocked the wind out of her, and a male EMT when he got him with a nut shot. To be fair, he did tell the dude he was gonna punch him in the dick and the EMT's response was "Take your best shot!" It was pretty funny.
 
2014-01-19 04:28:10 AM
That always sucks.  You're trying to help someone and PIFF smacked in the chops.  Next thing you know there's 6'3" 250lb me pinning all 90lbs of some poor old crazy person (who is flipping out) to the bed or stretcher hollering for help so I don't get hit again or end up breaking fingers or wrists by accident.  Got my glasses broken once that way :/
 
2014-01-19 05:48:31 AM
What you wish for in a nurse:

www.polyvore.com

What you'll wind up getting:

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2014-01-19 05:51:12 AM

Man_Without_A_Hat: Practicing ER nurse here. Ain't nothing new. Getting groped by elderly patients is also absurdly common.

/is a dude


The male insurgents we captured in Iraq used to beat it like circus monkeys in front of the female MPs, at the Detainee Holding Area in the Green Zone.  It got to the point where they didn't even react to the dudes wacking off.

One got tired of waiting on some guy to finish, so she could hand out bottled water to the rest of the guys in this temporarily holding pen.  She got too close, so he threw it in her face (ala Miggs).  She flinched slightly, but kept staring at him, without saying a word.  She then calmly reached down her pants, and proceeded to smear his face with menstrual blood.  She then nonchalantly finished passing out water while he screamed his head off.

/Probably a UL, but then again, some of the chicks were mean
 
2014-01-19 06:17:54 AM
It may be a crime, but I'll bet he gets off.
 
2014-01-19 07:35:06 AM
A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.

The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says: 'Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up SO quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.'

'Oh, I see' says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor 'What is up with THAT?' The doctor says: 'Same condition,better medical plan.'
 
2014-01-19 07:38:42 AM

Man_Without_A_Hat: Practicing ER nurse here. Ain't nothing new. Getting groped by elderly patients is also absurdly common.

/is a dude


Old women aren't dead yet either.
 
2014-01-19 07:39:37 AM
I was asked to go see a patient, a little old Italian mama who was having visual hallucinations where she saw Jesus everywhere. She was so happy, tears were streaming down her face. The mama turned to embrace me. Thankfully, I noticed the surgical clamps concealed in her hand just as she was going for the backstab... I still have those clamps somewhere.
 
2014-01-19 07:59:55 AM
"Porno lied to me!'
 
2014-01-19 08:20:50 AM
At the hospital I used to work at some drunk 20-something started beating off and spouting vulgarities when a nurse entered the room.
The vagrant in the bed next to him got up and spilled his coffee on the guys junk.
1st degree burns on the ol' boys, 3rd degree poetic justice.
 
2014-01-19 08:49:07 AM

The Only Sane Man In Florida: At the hospital I used to work at some drunk 20-something started beating off and spouting vulgarities when a nurse entered the room.
The vagrant in the bed next to him got up and spilled his coffee on the guys junk.
1st degree burns on the ol' boys, 3rd degree poetic justice.


That's fantastic!
 
2014-01-19 09:57:36 AM
Just mess up the foley insertion, after that old dirty man won't want you near his junk.
 
2014-01-19 10:48:38 AM
Police log.. REALLY? i skimmed through the article and as a nurse i can tell you this shiat happens more often than not, and you see ALOT worse. to even report it to the police is beyond petty and assinine. This biatch must be new at her job. give it a few years and she wont even bat an eye next time.

/become a CNA BEFORE you go to nursing school folks.
 
2014-01-19 11:04:51 AM
"Instant section eight!"
Pvt. Handjob approves
 
2014-01-19 11:41:14 AM

LeGnome: They're nurses. They drain boils and wipe asses for a living. Do you think this has the slightest effect on them?


Hey baby, want to "drain my boil"?
 
2014-01-19 12:05:52 PM

Craps the Gorilla: Police log.. REALLY? i skimmed through the article and as a nurse i can tell you this shiat happens more often than not, and you see ALOT worse. to even report it to the police is beyond petty and assinine. This biatch must be new at her job. give it a few years and she wont even bat an eye next time.

/become a CNA BEFORE you go to nursing school folks.


THIS!  I'm in working as a CNA while I'm in nursing school, and this kind of thing goes on multiple times a day in the nursing home.  It's not just the men either.  Yes, some will continue to do it while you're in the room, and some even ask for help.  I usually just smile politely and leave the room to give them their privacy.  I wouldn't even consider calling the police.  But I assume the fact that they're all senile makes it not a criminal act and the police would laugh and hang up on me anyway.  I imagine if an adult of sound mind did was doing it, I'd do the same thing, without the polite smile.


/I agree that all nurses should be CNA's first.  It is the best way to learn actual patient care, and you learn to get over the "gross" stuff in a hurry.
 
2014-01-19 12:42:17 PM
i698.photobucket.com

This nurse knew how to handle 'em.
 
2014-01-19 01:27:50 PM
So, the sexy nurse giving handies, blowies and banging patients is a myth?

IT'S STILL REAL TO ME!!!
 
2014-01-19 01:35:18 PM

thatboyoverthere: Read "What I've learned from my patients" It's considered a slow day if they only get one of these guys in the local ER.
/DocER on that forum is the attending at a Las Vegas ER. He sees a lot worse than this.


Link? I try googling it and all I get is a bunch of faux-inspiration blogs.
 
2014-01-19 01:45:04 PM
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-19 02:20:39 PM
Been a nurse for over 20 years, and I'll confirm that this goes on a lot. At least I'm a male, and most of the time it's involving a coworker, not me. And while for years it was just another thing that happens at work, things are starting to change. An 80 year old slightly confused old man whips it out, it's just a funny story; however, some a**hole in his 20's who thinks he can get away with it because he's a patient, then you call security on him. And since this was a university medical center, more likely than not security=campus police.

No real details in the story, but I'd suspect it was involving someone who should have known better. They are treating assualts to nursing staff the same way these days; you get drunk and knock the hell of a woman out on the street, you get busted for battery; why should you be able to get away with it just because you are drunk in the ER? Use to be it was part of the job, now you call the cops.
 
2014-01-19 02:22:57 PM
ts3.mm.bing.net
According to Japanese anime. All nurses are naughty.
 
2014-01-19 03:57:19 PM
data1.whicdn.com

/It took awhile to find a SFW pic of Stoya's in a nurse's uniform.
 
2014-01-19 04:26:14 PM
I work in the mental health system- that's nothing. I have a 30 something old pedophile client who likes to eat crap. Makes me wish for something as tame as a masturbator.
 
2014-01-19 05:06:11 PM

madanimalscientist: thatboyoverthere: Read "What I've learned from my patients" It's considered a slow day if they only get one of these guys in the local ER.
/DocER on that forum is the attending at a Las Vegas ER. He sees a lot worse than this.

Link? I try googling it and all I get is a bunch of faux-inspiration blogs.


http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/things-i-learn-from-my-patie nt s.257985/
 
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