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(Slate)   Survey Says: Women who don't change their name after marriage bring home more bacon and fry it up in the pan   (slate.com) divider line 113
    More: Interesting, Amanda Marcotte, Double X, Daniel Luzer, AlterNet, birth name  
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3625 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Jan 2014 at 9:15 PM (27 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



113 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-01-17 06:24:49 PM
i1353.photobucket.com

When I look at the working women that I know there sure seems to be some truth in it. Never really noticed it until this article. Perhaps it's by choice...but none of the women that changed their names after marriage seem to get promoted. At work even when they all have kids, the maiden name women seem to be more likely to be promoted.
 
2014-01-17 06:47:27 PM
The more obvious explanation is that those who changed their name are less inclined to pursue their career over their family.  (and vice versa)

The obvious tag should be in play.
 
2014-01-17 09:15:59 PM
There is nothing worse than dealing with a woman who changed her name and then gets divorced because they suddenly change all their contact information. Judi_­husband­s­las­tn­a­me[nospam-﹫-backwards]l­ia­me­*c­om becomes J­udi­_m­ai­d­e­name­[nospam-﹫-backwards]de­crovi­d­to­gi*c­om etc...

It's annoying. Keep your professional and personal identities separate.
 
2014-01-17 09:16:45 PM
I guess my wife is a statistical outlier, then.
 
2014-01-17 09:18:08 PM
Good for her.  Now make me a sandwich, a nice BLT.
 
2014-01-17 09:19:31 PM
Then there's the psycho ex wives that keep their husbands' last names because they think it'll raise their own status.
 
2014-01-17 09:22:41 PM

BunkyBrewman: The more obvious explanation is that those who changed their name are less inclined to pursue their career over their family.  (and vice versa)

The obvious tag should be in play.


Done in two.
 
2014-01-17 09:25:08 PM
And they never ever let you believe that you're the man?
 
2014-01-17 09:25:41 PM
24.media.tumblr.com
 
2014-01-17 09:25:55 PM
*whooosh* That's the sound of this headline's reference going over 99% of the Fark community.
 
2014-01-17 09:26:47 PM
rollingout.com

And those without last name, bring home the most of all.
 
2014-01-17 09:27:04 PM

tonguedepressor: *whooosh* That's the sound of this headline's reference going over 99% of the Fark community.


Now you know my secret pain.
 
2014-01-17 09:27:17 PM
One of my female colleagues got married and changed her name. But her new name is Hoar. WTF? Why would you change your name to THAT?
 
2014-01-17 09:27:19 PM

BunkyBrewman: The more obvious explanation is that those who changed their name are less inclined to pursue their career over their family. (and vice versa)


Probably because the name changers are marrying younger, before they get the education that increases the chances they'll bring home more bacon, while the name keepers have established their name in the relevant circles before marriage and don't want to jeopardize that with a name change.
 
2014-01-17 09:27:34 PM
But survey says the number one answer is "correlation does not equal causation"
 
2014-01-17 09:28:29 PM
Do they also get more nekkid and romp it up in the sack?

/inquiring minds
//would like to know
 
2014-01-17 09:29:11 PM

tonguedepressor: *whooosh* That's the sound of this headline's reference going over 99% of the Fark community.


33% said that show was still on live when they were a kid.
 
2014-01-17 09:31:14 PM
I had a teacher in High School named Mrs. Nunn. She divorced, remarried, and took her new husband's last name, Pope. Quite a promotion.
 
2014-01-17 09:31:51 PM
Whose last name do the kids get?
 
2014-01-17 09:32:07 PM
It's almost as if women who don't change their name after marriage often chose to do so because they are well-established in their respective fields which generally means that they already receive fairly high incomes.
 
2014-01-17 09:33:12 PM

GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?


..next week on Maury!
 
2014-01-17 09:34:23 PM

GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?



Being that these couples never seem to have human children, by custom the dogs get the dad's last name and the cats get mom's.
 
2014-01-17 09:40:18 PM
Correlation/causation etc
 
2014-01-17 09:41:48 PM

Mangoose: There is nothing worse than dealing with a woman who changed her name and then gets divorced because they suddenly change all their contact information. Judi_husbandslastname[[nospam-﹫-backwards] image 7x13]liame[* image 7x13]com becomes Judi_maidename[[nospam-﹫-backwards] image 7x13]decrovidtogi[* image 7x13]com etc...

It's annoying. Keep your professional and personal identities separate.


Unless the marriage was very brief, or if the husband turned out to be someone who should be in prison, divorced women who changed their names should keep their married names, until they get married again. Especially if they had kids from the marriage with that name. From the kid's point of view, why is mom changing her name to be different from mine? Divorce is not an undo button. You're entering a new phase of your life, not going to back to what you were before.
 
2014-01-17 09:42:37 PM

Foxxinnia: It's almost as if women who don't change their name after marriage often chose to do so because they are well-established in their respective fields which generally means that they already receive fairly high incomes.


That is why a lot of celebrity women don't change their stage names, but still change their legal names.
 
2014-01-17 09:44:12 PM
True enough, my wife is a doctor. She said she didn't work that hard to become Dr. (my last name).

/I don't really care
//I kind of do.
 
2014-01-17 09:49:12 PM
I suspect submitter is mistaken.  Those types of broads may bring home more money but I doubt they fry, or cook, much of anything.  I doubt they are very passionate either.
 
2014-01-17 09:50:27 PM

burdock: GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?


Being that these couples never seem to have human children, by custom the dogs get the dad's last name and the cats get mom's.


I do know one couple where the wife kept her maiden name but they did end up having a child.  The child has the father's last name.

I don't know the wife's reason for keeping her maiden name, but I wonder if she just didn't want to have to constantly explain why a pale redhead like herself would have a Vietnamese last name.
 
2014-01-17 09:51:44 PM
The tradition of changing the name of course dates back to the beginnings of marriage, when the woman actually became the man's property. This would also be a legitimate source of resistance to the practice in modern women.

But I think that just as the meaning and purpose of marriage has evolved over time into simply an expression of love and commitment between two people (leaving aside the practical considerations of taxes, medical benefits, etc), so too should the concept of taking your partner's name along with it.

To me it represents more the solidarity of the union. You aren't just two separate people anymore, you're now 'the Smith family'. I think if we were to collectively consider a shift in the practice due to more modern thinking, that discussion would more properly be based on whether or not couples should consider the possibility of men taking their wife's name than on the idea of just having separate names. Beyond just the emotional commitment the marriage and taking of a name represents, there's still practical utility in sharing a family name. Of course, which partner's name is used in modern times would be pretty arbitrary. On what basis do you choose which partner's name is used? The one you both agree sounds better? This is one way that tradition can be useful, by setting a 'rule' everyone can follow where there would otherwise be no clear direction. And if we find need of such a tradition, why not just continue to use one that's already established? As long as we all understand that it isn't about possession or submission, I don't see where there's anything to object to.

TL;DR: relax ladies, taking your husband's name doesn't mean you're his subordinate.
 
2014-01-17 09:52:48 PM
Women Who Take Their Husband's Name Perceived as Less Competent but More Caring

/stopped reading right there...
 
2014-01-17 09:53:16 PM

GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?


We hyphenated ours. In hindsight that was kind of stupid (sorry guys). A fair solution is that boys get dad's name and girls get mom's.
 
2014-01-17 09:54:57 PM

Foxxinnia: It's almost as if women who don't change their name after marriage often chose to do so because they are well-established in their respective fields which generally means that they already receive fairly high incomes.


came to say this
 
2014-01-17 09:58:23 PM
I feel like Yul Brynner.

Don't get married.  Just don't get married.


/ex wife stalks me
 
2014-01-17 10:01:40 PM
I'll probably change mine just due to being tired of having to spell it out every single time I give my name.

/greek names sound like greek
 
2014-01-17 10:01:50 PM

Johnsnownw: True enough, my wife is a doctor. She said she didn't work that hard to become Dr. (my last name).

/I don't really care
//I kind of do.


I hear ya.

/guy code
//you married female Dr. Evil
 
2014-01-17 10:08:01 PM
My husband wants my last name. He's tired of people mispelling his.
 
2014-01-17 10:08:58 PM
See, for all the silly stuff some feminists make an issue out of, I don't really understand why they let this one pass.  This "tradition" is pretty much patriarchy personified.  I mean, if you're gonna protest against one thing that doesn't really matter that much just for symbolic reasons, this would be the thing.

/would prohibit future wife from taking my name, because goddamnit I'm the man and what I say goes
 
2014-01-17 10:11:46 PM

aerojockey: See, for all the silly stuff some feminists make an issue out of, I don't really understand why they let this one pass.  This "tradition" is pretty much patriarchy personified.  I mean, if you're gonna protest against one thing that doesn't really matter that much just for symbolic reasons, this would be the thing.

/would prohibit future wife from taking my name, because goddamnit I'm the man and what I say goes


Wtf are you smoking?  Feminists biatch over that all the time.

And you sound like a whipped puss.

/why yes I had a rough day
 
2014-01-17 10:13:15 PM
I am mostly irked by the argument "Well it's still my father's name." when people respond to why they will/have changed their last name if women. Sure your father most likely had your last name (I do) but you know what else was given arbitrarily at birth? Your first name.  I wasn't born Maggie_Luna Surname. I was born and it was decided I would be Maggie_Luna Surname.   It just strikes me as stupid.  You're most likely not the only one with your first name, you know?

/my name is not my username or related at all to it.
//I won't change my name if I marry simply because I identify by it.
 
2014-01-17 10:18:50 PM

lack of warmth: Johnsnownw: True enough, my wife is a doctor. She said she didn't work that hard to become Dr. (my last name).

/I don't really care
//I kind of do.

I hear ya.

/guy code
//you married female Dr. Evil


I was in the same boat for awhile till I tossed her overboard.
A great doctor but probably the most selfish person I ever had the misfortune of falling in love with.
 
2014-01-17 10:20:03 PM

walktoanarcade: Wtf are you smoking? Feminists biatch over that all the time.


Not really.  I mean, you can always find some loudmouth making an issue of anything, but there's never really been an organized feminist attack on last names that's gotten traction in the same way that attacks on gender-specific job titles, or even gender-specific pronouns has.
 
2014-01-17 10:22:20 PM

ChadM89: The tradition of changing the name of course dates back to the beginnings of marriage, when the woman actually became the man's property. This would also be a legitimate source of resistance to the practice in modern women.


I see you've met my ex-girlfriend!
 
2014-01-17 10:23:38 PM

aerojockey: I mean, you can always find some loudmouth making an issue of anything


You too!  Christ, how many Farkers has my ex farked!?!

/I keed, she had her faults, but "loose" was not one of them  :)
 
2014-01-17 10:24:26 PM
My words to my current wife when the issue arose (she planned to keep her name): I wouldn't take your name; why the hell should you take mine? In fact, if you did take mine, I'd respect you a lot less.

I really don't understand all the insecure men who insist on their wives taking their names. What the hell do you care? Either you love each other and it'll work or it won't. Taking the same name won't make a difference.
 
2014-01-17 10:28:23 PM

aerojockey: walktoanarcade: Wtf are you smoking? Feminists biatch over that all the time.

Not really.  I mean, you can always find some loudmouth making an issue of anything, but there's never really been an organized feminist attack on last names that's gotten traction in the same way that attacks on gender-specific job titles, or even gender-specific pronouns has.


Oh, well when you put it that way.

To each their own, but for me I feel a duty to pre-screen the next woman for her willingness to take my last name. It's got to do with the fact that I'm the last of my line, so...yeah..I want kids and I want the wife to take my last name. It's important to me. I can see how it's unimportant to others, or whatever.
 
2014-01-17 10:31:55 PM

aerojockey: See, for all the silly stuff some feminists make an issue out of, I don't really understand why they let this one pass.  This "tradition" is pretty much patriarchy personified.  I mean, if you're gonna protest against one thing that doesn't really matter that much just for symbolic reasons, this would be the thing.

/would prohibit future wife from taking my name, because goddamnit I'm the man and what I say goes


It's not about what I say goes. Its about being on the same team mentally.

Gift of the Magi and all that.

If my ex would have said "I would change my name for you because you are that important to me", I would have said "and because I love you I wouldn't want you to."

Instead she said "this is how I want it and everything shall revolve around me".
So I said enjoy your cake Miss Haversham. See ya!
 
2014-01-17 10:34:13 PM

Johnsnownw: True enough, my wife is a doctor. She said she didn't work that hard to become Dr. (my last name).

/I don't really care
//I kind of do.


Maybe its 'cuz your last name is Wu.
 
2014-01-17 10:37:15 PM
My dream in life is not to become a good husband; it is to become a trophy husband.  I am willing to change my last name for the right offer.
 
2014-01-17 10:41:47 PM
Any broad that wouldn't take her husbands name isn't worth two shiats in my book.
 
2014-01-17 10:42:01 PM

tonguedepressor: Maybe its 'cuz your last name is Wu.


That name does come with a bit of a stigma around here...
dudespaper.com
 
2014-01-17 10:52:08 PM

Prey4reign: My dream in life is not to become a good husband; it is to become a trophy husband.  I am willing to change my last name for the right offer.


Those people are usually looking for a '1st place' type trophy,  you're more of the 'participant' variety.
 
2014-01-17 10:53:30 PM

Ima4nic8or: Any broad that wouldn't take her husbands name isn't worth two shiats in my book.


Sometimes our professions and licenses prevent us from legally changing our names. Get over it.
 
2014-01-17 11:02:14 PM
I took my husband's name for the lolz when I spell it for people
FUller (always use extra emphasis on the first two)
 
2014-01-17 11:03:01 PM
I don't like the last name I have. I wouldn't want to saddle anyone else with it.
 
2014-01-17 11:05:32 PM
Seriously, I would not marry a woman that would not take my last name. Keeping it as part of her name, NOT hyphenated, would be fine though.
 
2014-01-17 11:07:54 PM

GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?


The kids get hyphenated.  Mr. Smith marries Ms. Jones, and the kids can be Miss Smith-Jones or Master Jones-Smith.  Sons honor their mothers, daughters honor their fathers.  When the kids get married and have kids, they take the first name from their hyphenation and bestow it on the child.  Grandpa gets his name passed on to his daughter's child.  Grandma gets her name passed on to her son's child.  Problem solved.
 
2014-01-17 11:08:38 PM

Prank Call of Cthulhu: One of my female colleagues got married and changed her name. But her new name is Hoar. WTF? Why would you change your name to THAT?


If I was the dude in that situation, I'd be taking my wife's last name. Unless hers was Buttfunke or something. I know a guy (and his wife) with a terrible last name who are planning to change it when his parents die. In some cases it's understandable.
 
2014-01-17 11:08:47 PM
For those if you who couldn't remember the 1970s here's a video to put things in context (heh, or a print add if you can't spare 30 seconds to watch a video).
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-17 11:10:31 PM

Prank Call of Cthulhu: One of my female colleagues got married and changed her name. But her new name is Hoar. WTF? Why would you change your name to THAT?


Used to be shiathouse
 
2014-01-17 11:14:10 PM
I kept my name, not because of any professional identity or anything like that, but because my husband's last name is just terrible and he didn't blame me for not wanting it. A million letters long and nobody can spell or pronounce it. He says that if I didn't have a brother with the same first name as him, he would have taken my last name.

And we're not gonna have any kids, so it doesn't matter in that regard anyway.

If he had a decent last name, I might have taken it. I don't know. I guess I'd have to see how it looked after practicing my signature with it on the inside of a spiral notebook cover a few dozen times.
 
2014-01-17 11:15:49 PM

walktoanarcade: To each their own, but for me I feel a duty to pre-screen the next woman for her willingness to take my last name. It's got to do with the fact that I'm the last of my line, so...yeah..I want kids and I want the wife to take my last name. It's important to me. I can see how it's unimportant to others, or whatever.


Personally, all these traditions that originated as a result of marriage being considered a financial transaction between two men creep me out.  Woman taking on the man's last name, woman's family paying for the wedding, the man asking the woman's father for permission.

If I ever have a daughter (God forbid), and her boyfriend asks me permission to marry her, I'd deny it just because he asked.

In the interests of fairness, traditions that originated as the only slightly more enlightened result of marriage being considered a financial transaction between a man and a woman creep me out too.  I.e., engagement rings.
 
2014-01-17 11:17:01 PM

VoiceOfReason499: GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?

The kids get hyphenated.  Mr. Smith marries Ms. Jones, and the kids can be Miss Smith-Jones or Master Jones-Smith.  Sons honor their mothers, daughters honor their fathers.  When the kids get married and have kids, they take the first name from their hyphenation and bestow it on the child.  Grandpa gets his name passed on to his daughter's child.  Grandma gets her name passed on to her son's child.  Problem solved.


Wait, my head hurts. So if the sons marry the daughters are their childrens' surnames Smith-Jones or Jones-Smith or Smith-Smith or Jones-Jones or some other convoluted permutation thereof?

/who says the family tree needs branches?
 
hej
2014-01-17 11:19:27 PM
Short of you going around and announcing it to everybody you meet, how the hell would people interviewing you for a job know if you took your husbands last name or not?
 
2014-01-17 11:20:03 PM
Love all the insecure guys (myself included, I guess) posting on a Friday night about their maiden-named wives.  Makes sense, just like his and hers cars, separate bedrooms, and separate bank accounts.  The DINK marriages sound so loving.

/married
//not a DINK
///my wife took my surname
///she's taking a couple years off from her software eng. job to be a stay-at-home mom
////fark anyone who thinks stay-at-home parent is easier than desk jockey
 
2014-01-17 11:20:14 PM

aerojockey: walktoanarcade: To each their own, but for me I feel a duty to pre-screen the next woman for her willingness to take my last name. It's got to do with the fact that I'm the last of my line, so...yeah..I want kids and I want the wife to take my last name. It's important to me. I can see how it's unimportant to others, or whatever.

Personally, all these traditions that originated as a result of marriage being considered a financial transaction between two men creep me out.  Woman taking on the man's last name, woman's family paying for the wedding, the man asking the woman's father for permission.

If I ever have a daughter (God forbid), and her boyfriend asks me permission to marry her, I'd deny it just because he asked.

In the interests of fairness, traditions that originated as the only slightly more enlightened result of marriage being considered a financial transaction between a man and a woman creep me out too.  I.e., engagement rings.


Haha laughed and agree with you on the asking your permission hypothetical.

And I hate rings. I hate how they feel.
 
2014-01-17 11:21:11 PM

12349876: BunkyBrewman: The more obvious explanation is that those who changed their name are less inclined to pursue their career over their family. (and vice versa)

Probably because the name changers are marrying younger, before they get the education that increases the chances they'll bring home more bacon, while the name keepers have established their name in the relevant circles before marriage and don't want to jeopardize that with a name change.


this would mean both sets of women would make good money.

What happens is that the name changers sometimes straight up stop going to school.  or they will
get a job where it doesn't matter if Ms Smiley becomes Mrs Smith in 3rd grade, or  Mrs Smith is now running the HR cubicle.  These are no names.

What matters is clients who know you by name.  If you spent 5 years making sure guys know that Dr Janet Evans did a good job removing the herpes scars, you dont want someone giving out a reference and having someone not be able to find  Dr. Janet Rebinowitx
 
2014-01-17 11:23:13 PM
I'm not terribly fond of my last name. It's not awful but I don't really have any affection for it either. Plus most people can't spell it and almost no one even tries to pronounce it. Although that part is usually amusing.

I wouldn't be opposed to taking an entirely new name altogether. Hell, there's no guarantee that I wont do that while still single one day.

Not that it matters much. At the rate things are going for me marriage isn't in my future. It's funny depressing how jaded and bitter life can make someone in a just few short years.
 
2014-01-17 11:23:28 PM

ChadM89: The tradition of changing the name of course dates back to the beginnings of marriage, when the woman actually became the man's property. This would also be a legitimate source of resistance to the practice in modern women.


Screw that, I'm just lazy. That and I would have had to change a bunch of stuff for the Army, and I already had like a dozen online accounts registered in my original last name, etc etc.

Maybe when you're 19 and don't have much of an identity established with the world, but at 29, I kept to the status quo.

Lordfortuna brought it up twice, tentatively, and hasn't mentioned it in several years. Wise man; I'd have made him do some of the paperwork. He HATES paperwork.
 
2014-01-17 11:23:33 PM

BunkyBrewman: The more obvious explanation is that those who changed their name are less inclined to pursue their career over their family.  (and vice versa)

The obvious tag should be in play.


Or was successful or the path to success before marriage and didn't want to lose the name recognition in their industry. I have several friends who, because they built their brand/business on the name Jane Doe, aren't much inclined to suddenly become Jane Jones.
 
2014-01-17 11:33:16 PM

CtrlAltDestroy: I'm not terribly fond of my last name. It's not awful but I don't really have any affection for it either. Plus most people can't spell it and almost no one even tries to pronounce it. Although that part is usually amusing.

I wouldn't be opposed to taking an entirely new name altogether. Hell, there's no guarantee that I wont do that while still single one day.

Not that it matters much. At the rate things are going for me marriage isn't in my future. It's funny depressing how jaded and bitter life can make someone in a just few short years.


Be a jerk,  the ladies come running.  Which means, act like you don't give a shiat, but don't treat them as such. That's where some falter.   Be yourself, but be the best "yourself" you can be. Tell the truth, if they don't like it, fark 'em.  Be clean. Get a haircut, never listen to the news' advice or some rag. Smile. Don't frown, it's a lie that many women like that.

I truly don't give a shiat anymore and gave up and now women wanna talk to me and smile and crap again. Neato.  I used to frown naturally all the time, but now I smile selectively. Some women love a smile.
 
2014-01-17 11:38:44 PM

CtrlAltDestroy: I'm not terribly fond of my last name. It's not awful but I don't really have any affection for it either. Plus most people can't spell it and almost no one even tries to pronounce it. Although that part is usually amusing.

I wouldn't be opposed to taking an entirely new name altogether. Hell, there's no guarantee that I wont do that while still single one day.

Not that it matters much. At the rate things are going for me marriage isn't in my future. It's funny depressing how jaded and bitter life can make someone in a just few short years.


Fun fact... child molesters often change their name to try to avoid showing up on molester maps.
 
2014-01-17 11:59:24 PM

tonguedepressor: *whooosh* That's the sound of this headline's reference going over 99% of the Fark community.


It's nice to know I'm finally a one percenter
 
2014-01-18 12:04:26 AM

Johnsnownw: True enough, my wife is a doctor. She said she didn't work that hard to become Dr. (my last name).

/I don't really care
//I kind of do.


If it balances the universe a bit, I refused to let my wife take my last name; it's a crappy last name, doesn't suit her, and isn't the name of the woman I fell in love with.

/I'm also a Dr., technically.
//maybe just folks with terminal degrees oppose changing surnames
///n of 2 is sufficient for that conclusion, right?
 
2014-01-18 12:04:49 AM
Great now the Enjoli jingle is stuck in my head. Again.
 
2014-01-18 12:07:00 AM
I know three married couples where the wife kept her dad's last name instead of her husband's. In each case, the husband is an effeminate pushover who is more of a personal assistant than a spouse. I'm sure that's not the norm, but it struck me as an odd coincidence.
 
2014-01-18 12:20:08 AM

hej: Short of you going around and announcing it to everybody you meet, how the hell would people interviewing you for a job know if you took your husbands last name or not?


If you have published papers under your birthname, that's how. Or if you have production credits in IMDB or something similar.


And anyhow, why does a man's surname at birth have precedence over his wife's? I mean aside from the obvious historical patriarchal crap. Plenty of places operate just fine with the idea that the name you're born with is the one you die with, regardless of of your sex.
 
2014-01-18 12:20:53 AM

walktoanarcade: Be a jerk,  the ladies come running.  Which means, act like you don't give a shiat, but don't treat them as such. That's where some falter.   Be yourself, but be the best "yourself" you can be. Tell the truth, if they don't like it, fark 'em.  Be clean. Get a haircut, never listen to the news' advice or some rag. Smile. Don't frown, it's a lie that many women like that.

I truly don't give a shiat anymore and gave up and now women wanna talk to me and smile and crap again. Neato.  I used to frown naturally all the time, but now I smile selectively. Some women love a smile.


Eh, not being attractive (in any sense, physically or as a person) is only part of it. I'm tired of being disappointed, lied to, discarded and generally let down by women. Eh, I'll keep this quick and wont go into much detail.

I was in a 7 year relationship with a woman and we were starting to plan a wedding. Until she got bored and started dating her ex-coworker friend behind my back. He was 7 years older, unemployed (hence, ex-coworker), uneducated, heavy smoker (someone she said she could never date) and coffee drinker with heavily stained teeth, and married and living with his wife. Since he had no job they would sneak out and do their thing but made sure to get him back home in time so his wife wouldn't have any clue that he even left the house.

She didn't even tell me that she wanted out of our relationship. She just silently grew more distant and cold to me. She didn't want to have to own up to something that would hurt me and make herself feel bad over it so she just did nothing so that she wouldn't have to do something uncomfortable. I eventually had to ask her flat out what was going on. It took about a year but I eventually looked back over the past and reflected on the whole thing. I was an idiot. I was blind. I ended up coming to the epiphany that she never even loved me as a person.

She loved what I represented. I gave her attention and affection and was an escape from her oppressive and stressful family life. I was a source of both excitement and release. So years later when we were living together in the next state over (guaranteed that her farking mother wouldn't drop by to continue to be a biatch) she was left no longer needing that escape or release. All she as left with was two people living together, as partners. And I wasn't the partner she wanted. So she got bored and looked elsewhere. To that married prick. Oh, but he was the artist type and had the general attitude that he loved how awesome he thought he was. Oi. (They didn't last much longer after this. Gee wonder why.)

Anyway, after that and after I started to put myself back together I went to move on. It's been a string of more and more things to further destroy the wide-eyed optimist that I was able to remain as while being a 20 something. There's the girl who cut all ties and instantly dropped me from her life when she learned that I cared for her. Instant drop, no explanation or even a "stay away from me". The girl who discarded me when I tried to help her after she lost her job and was on the brink of having to move back where she came from (she was pissed at her other friends for the same thing, not just me). She "[didn't] need anyone else to farking care about [her]!!!". Long story about that. Family stuff.

Then there's the bipolar girl who, although well intentioned, started things out based on a pretty big lie. The kind of lie that removes any chance of a future for us. That is where I stand now. There were a string of other things that contributed to my further entrenchment into misanthropy but those were this big ones for this topic. That and generally being ignored by pretty much everyone. I'm going to have to end things with this current girl soon. Which I don't look forward to. I don't want to hurt her, because I know damn well how that feels, but this needs to happen.

I'm just... tired of it all.

After that 7 year one I ate myself up to 195lbs. I've since dropped back down to 170 lbs. I'm starting that back up and I want to hit 150 lbs. I'm 5'8". I'm just sick and tired of people in general. For now I'll just focus on being happier with myself and go from there. I have my hobbies and projects to keep me busy. I have my 2 cats to keep the house lively. I'll be fine for the near future. Set short term goals and them accomplish those goals. It's a start.

/And yes, that is the short version
//I hate being able to relate to dumb songs and whatnot, but allowing myself to do so can be quite cathartic.
 
2014-01-18 12:25:42 AM

CowardlyLion: Johnsnownw: True enough, my wife is a doctor. She said she didn't work that hard to become Dr. (my last name).

/I don't really care
//I kind of do.

If it balances the universe a bit, I refused to let my wife take my last name; it's a crappy last name, doesn't suit her, and isn't the name of the woman I fell in love with.

/I'm also a Dr., technically.
//maybe just folks with terminal degrees oppose changing surnames
///n of 2 is sufficient for that conclusion, right?


I'll chip in and make you an n of 4. My husband and I are PhDs and didn't want to change our names. We both published articles before we were married and want to maintain separate professional identities. We work in the same field, so it's nice to have different names and not have to draw attention to our relationship unless we want to.
 
2014-01-18 12:37:53 AM

Johnsnownw: True enough, my wife is a doctor. She said she didn't work that hard to become Dr. (my last name).

/I don't really care
//I kind of do.


That's OK, at least she can afford your alimony if it doesn't work out.
 
2014-01-18 12:41:53 AM
I kept my last name when I got married and our daughter has my husbands last name.  My last name is my second one anyway as I was legally adopted by my step-dad when my mom remarried.  My bio dad's last name is my daughter's middle name.  Confused yet?

Lucky kid has three sets of grandparents.
 
2014-01-18 12:42:47 AM
Wife kept her name. And makes a little more than I do. At least I can cook the bacon she brings home better.

Csb. Someone she works with told her our marrige isn't legal in the eyes of god since she didn't change her name. We both found that rather funny. If only they knew we were married by a Unitarian friend in a quite non religious ceremony and couldn't be happier with it.
 
2014-01-18 12:51:09 AM

GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?


Trick question.  That biatch isn't going to ruin her body and career with a pregnancy.
 
2014-01-18 12:51:53 AM

CtrlAltDestroy: a lot of words



Ok, believe or not I read it all. Wow. Well, if it makes you feel better, you're not the only one sick of people.

Would you believe that I am rather long-winded in person? Life's weird.

I'm in near perfect shape, look great and can't get laid or have a girlfriend. Sure, I talk to chicks all the time, but they're all money grubbers in my area. Oh well, like you said, I got my hobbies.

Face it, dude, we're losers.
 
2014-01-18 01:05:45 AM

walktoanarcade: CtrlAltDestroy: a lot of words


Ok, believe or not I read it all. Wow. Well, if it makes you feel better, you're not the only one sick of people.

Would you believe that I am rather long-winded in person? Life's weird.

I'm in near perfect shape, look great and can't get laid or have a girlfriend. Sure, I talk to chicks all the time, but they're all money grubbers in my area. Oh well, like you said, I got my hobbies.

Face it, dude, we're losers.


 *brofist*

Losers, unite.

It's not just the relationship thing that's been reshaping me for the worse, but that is definitely part of it. But, hey, it is what it is and it does no good to pretend otherwise. Once you accept the truth of the situation you're able to do something about it. I'm going to work on me for a while. Work out and diet, learn an instrument or two, and indulge in my hobbies.

I need to have a good starting foundation if I want to build a new life. I need to be happy with myself. If I'm not I can't very well expect others to be.
 
2014-01-18 01:10:31 AM

CtrlAltDestroy: walktoanarcade: CtrlAltDestroy: a lot of words


Ok, believe or not I read it all. Wow. Well, if it makes you feel better, you're not the only one sick of people.

Would you believe that I am rather long-winded in person? Life's weird.

I'm in near perfect shape, look great and can't get laid or have a girlfriend. Sure, I talk to chicks all the time, but they're all money grubbers in my area. Oh well, like you said, I got my hobbies.

Face it, dude, we're losers.

 *brofist*

Losers, unite.

It's not just the relationship thing that's been reshaping me for the worse, but that is definitely part of it. But, hey, it is what it is and it does no good to pretend otherwise. Once you accept the truth of the situation you're able to do something about it. I'm going to work on me for a while. Work out and diet, learn an instrument or two, and indulge in my hobbies.

I need to have a good starting foundation if I want to build a new life. I need to be happy with myself. If I'm not I can't very well expect others to be.


*brofist*
Phew,  I was thinking, "I hope he's got a sense of humor..hope I didn't drive him over the edge. *nervous laughter*"

Sounds like you know yourself and what you need to do to be happy, though my advice is to keep your eyes open, women love to appear when it's not exactly convenient. Am I right?
 
2014-01-18 01:18:47 AM
I got married and hyphenated because classical musicians' careers (or at least their reputations) start in high school, if not sooner, so I wanted to keep my maiden name attached. Then I switched careers to academia, which isn't averse to hyphens. I'd been considering dropping my husband's name because the hyphenated name seems too cumbersome for my taste, but then we had a son and he has only his father's last name... Ugh.

If it weren't for the fact that I'm the last one in my family with my maiden name (by sheer luck the genders fell in such a way that none of my cousins nor second cousins nor even third cousins have my last name), I'd just drop it and go with my husband's name to match my kid. But being the last one with the name makes me want to hold onto it.

Also, the hyphenated name is unique--all the Google searches for my hyphenated name bring up info on me, which isn't the case if I search for one name or the other. That's probably the best justification for maintaining the status quo.

/Not so cool story, sis.
 
2014-01-18 01:21:56 AM

Forty-Two: I got married and hyphenated because classical musicians' careers (or at least their reputations) start in high school, if not sooner, so I wanted to keep my maiden name attached. Then I switched careers to academia, which isn't averse to hyphens. I'd been considering dropping my husband's name because the hyphenated name seems too cumbersome for my taste, but then we had a son and he has only his father's last name... Ugh.

If it weren't for the fact that I'm the last one in my family with my maiden name (by sheer luck the genders fell in such a way that none of my cousins nor second cousins nor even third cousins have my last name), I'd just drop it and go with my husband's name to match my kid. But being the last one with the name makes me want to hold onto it.

Also, the hyphenated name is unique--all the Google searches for my hyphenated name bring up info on me, which isn't the case if I search for one name or the other. That's probably the best justification for maintaining the status quo.

/Not so cool story, sis.


You could always give your next kid your name, or murder your husband and change his name.  Or give your next kid your surname as a first name/middle name. (depending on the name of course and gender of the child- Matthews wouldn't work on a girl well)
 
2014-01-18 01:23:03 AM
ummm murder...murder's bad.
 
2014-01-18 01:24:55 AM

walktoanarcade: ummm murder...murder's bad.


Only if you're caught and your mark didn't have life insurance when a relative.... Or was I aiming for talking to your spouse about adding her name to her son's? I get the two confused sometimes.
 
2014-01-18 01:26:11 AM
walktoanarcade:
*brofist*
Phew,  I was thinking, "I hope he's got a sense of humor..hope I didn't drive him over the edge. *nervous laughter*"

Sounds like you know yourself and what you need to do to be happy, though my advice is to keep your eyes open, women love to appear when it's not exactly convenient. Am I right?


Let's simplify that a bit: women love to be inconvenient.

Ha, yeah. I haven't lost my sense of humor. I'm not wallowing in self pity or anything. My attitude is more like, "Well, fark. Ok. What's my next step?"

On the plus side I'm now in the best job that I've ever had. Pretty decent pay, good people, and fairly easy going. My last job was less so.

Life is strange.
 
2014-01-18 01:35:58 AM

CtrlAltDestroy: walktoanarcade:
*brofist*
Phew,  I was thinking, "I hope he's got a sense of humor..hope I didn't drive him over the edge. *nervous laughter*"

Sounds like you know yourself and what you need to do to be happy, though my advice is to keep your eyes open, women love to appear when it's not exactly convenient. Am I right?

Let's simplify that a bit: women love to be inconvenient.

Ha, yeah. I haven't lost my sense of humor. I'm not wallowing in self pity or anything. My attitude is more like, "Well, fark. Ok. What's my next step?"

On the plus side I'm now in the best job that I've ever had. Pretty decent pay, good people, and fairly easy going. My last job was less so.

Life is strange.


Good to hear that you got some stuff to have some healthy pride over. And yeah, life's a trip..sorry I don't have much to say except lately I've been metaphorically stepped on, and on the other hand I may have made some new friends. *may*

Not holding my breath.  It seems people are waiting for enough opinions they dislike then they can discard you and hold to their own.

Pot helps not helps my physical pains, but allows me to tolerate various folks and their stupid personalities and prejudices.
 
2014-01-18 01:37:10 AM
ugh, last part should have been "Pot help not only* my.."
 
2014-01-18 03:25:24 AM

dbrunker: For those if you who couldn't remember the 1970s here's a video to put things in context (heh, or a print add if you can't spare 30 seconds to watch a video).
[img.fark.net image 422x578]



Ah classic Enjoli ad.  Thrown in an Ayds commercial and back to our show.
 
2014-01-18 03:42:25 AM

CtrlAltDestroy: walktoanarcade: CtrlAltDestroy: a lot of words

Face it, dude, we're losers.

 *brofist*

Losers, unite.


Something I'd like both of you to keep in mind, apologies for the personal anecdote.

My parents got married in the early 60s, and they were more or less happily married, despite job loss, near food-stamp money issues, until my mom died in 1995 from cancer. Dad spent seventeen years miserable after that, and remarried recently to another nice lady, after he finally got fed up with being alone and started online dating - at the age of 69.

I don't believe in the concept of The ONE when it comes to love, but you'll never find 'The One Of The Few You Can Stand' unless you try. This was a concept I realized after a long-term relationship ended and I dated a couple of 'not the one' guys. Getting back on the horse is essential.

Granted sometimes Lordfortuna drives me nuts, and we may not last for life, but so far it's been worth it. I'll take it.
 
2014-01-18 06:10:27 AM

RoyHobbs22: GoldSpider: Whose last name do the kids get?

Trick question.  That biatch isn't going to ruin her body and career with a pregnancy.


Yeah that got sprung on me too after 10 years.
 
2014-01-18 06:41:05 AM

CtrlAltDestroy: Then there's the bipolar girl who, although well intentioned, started things out based on a pretty big lie. The kind of lie that removes any chance of a future for us.


Out of curiosity, was the lie not telling you she was bipolar, or was it something else?
 
2014-01-18 07:01:09 AM

karalynnnn: Ima4nic8or: Any broad that wouldn't take her husbands name isn't worth two shiats in my book.

Sometimes our professions and licenses prevent us from legally changing our names. Get over it.


Such as? I know plenty of women lawyers who changed their names after getting married (or divorced).

Also, I know professional women who keep working under their professional name, but use their married name for social purposes.
 
2014-01-18 07:38:29 AM
Name changing actually matters this much to some people? I kept my name, he kept his, and our kid has his last name. No need to prove my devotion or solidify our bond by changing my name. The very fact of our marriage implies our lifelong devotion.
 
2014-01-18 07:42:37 AM
Good.  Changing your name after marriage is an outdated tradition and makes my Facebook wall confusing.

/ My brother's ex-wife changed to our last name after the marriage and didn't change back after the subsequent divorce.  I've always been a little bothered by that though.
 
2014-01-18 08:11:39 AM
I hate my maiden name nd I hate my married name. My first name is very old and will never be popular again. Ever. So I pretty much go by my first name, which by the way, I've never liked. This dislike of all three is a cancer.
 
2014-01-18 08:16:03 AM
DNRTFA
DNRTFT

Professionals make more money than semi or unskilled labour.

Women who hold a degree that has real value and in fact may be necessary for their profession tend to keep using the maiden name in which it was awarded.

The sky is blue, and you also knew the colour of the sky wihout being told.
 
2014-01-18 09:19:34 AM

ladyfortuna: I don't believe in the concept of The ONE when it comes to love, but you'll never find 'The One Of The Few You Can Stand' unless you try. This was a concept I realized after a long-term relationship ended and I dated a couple of 'not the one' guys. Getting back on the horse is essential.


Oh, totally. I have been doing just that. Although that's part of what lead me to getting hurt to much. I guess that's the inherent risk, though. I'll keep trying, though. I'm stubborn, if anything.

The idea of "the one" was beaten out of me by life. It's a nice fairy tale but that's all it is. I used to wonder about people who bounced from relationship to relationship who never seemed to treat the topic with much sincerity. Now I kinda get it. All you can hope for is someone to be compatible for that point is time. There really isn't a Ms/Mr right. Try for Ms/Mr right now because it's all so disposable.

I used to really believe in the idea that she and I would chose each other above all else. The idea that this was a serious choice that wasn't to be taken lightly. I used to really believe in the idea that love was something special. But it's not. I went from really being in love with that 7 year girl to viciously hating her in the span of a few months (the time it took to reflect). We (mostly me) went trough hell and high water to stay together. Her family tried to separate us but we fought and persisted.We got along so well and seemed unshakable. But still she just got bored and up and left. She taught me how laughable the very idea of "I chose you above all others" really is. I'll never forgive her for that.

But that's what it amounts to. "Love" is nothing special. It's not some life changing, powerful force. It's fleeting, temporary, frivolous, and fragile. I understand it now. I get why those people never treated the situation seriously. There's little reason to. I've become one of the people that I used to feel bad for.

I'll probably never "fall in love" again. I'll feel affection, sure. But love? Like before? I seriously doubt it.

Sigh. Reality really sucks. Some days, I just want my innocence back.
 
2014-01-18 09:22:59 AM

ambercat: CtrlAltDestroy: Then there's the bipolar girl who, although well intentioned, started things out based on a pretty big lie. The kind of lie that removes any chance of a future for us.

Out of curiosity, was the lie not telling you she was bipolar, or was it something else?


It's something else.

She was very upfront about her bipolar condition. Even though she can't afford the expensive meds for the last few years she's pretty stable without them. It's not really an issue.
 
2014-01-18 09:29:51 AM

walktoanarcade: Good to hear that you got some stuff to have some healthy pride over. And yeah, life's a trip..sorry I don't have much to say except lately I've been metaphorically stepped on, and on the other hand I may have made some new friends. *may*

Not holding my breath.  It seems people are waiting for enough opinions they dislike then they can discard you and hold to their own.

Pot helps not helps my physical pains, but allows me to tolerate various folks and their stupid personalities and prejudices.


Eh, yeah. Some people are like that. Being around them enough will start to make you paranoid. Good luck, man.

As for pot, I've never tried it. I probably wont any time soon. I'm not really drawn to mind altering things. I've never been drunk or personally seen the point in doing so. I do drink for the taste, though. Maybe one day for both. It's worth the experience for the sake of curiosity, I think.

I prefer to get lost in my interests. Cruising down lonesome roads on my motorcycle or wrenching on one of my cars is my version of meditation. It clears the mind and relaxes the body.
 
2014-01-18 10:10:53 AM
When I was married, my wife insisted that she get my last name.

It was a hassle, and all for nothing.
 
2014-01-18 10:48:05 AM

CtrlAltDestroy: ladyfortuna: I don't believe in the concept of The ONE when it comes to love, but you'll never find 'The One Of The Few You Can Stand' unless you try. This was a concept I realized after a long-term relationship ended and I dated a couple of 'not the one' guys. Getting back on the horse is essential.

Oh, totally. I have been doing just that. Although that's part of what lead me to getting hurt to much. I guess that's the inherent risk, though. I'll keep trying, though. I'm stubborn, if anything.

The idea of "the one" was beaten out of me by life. It's a nice fairy tale but that's all it is. I used to wonder about people who bounced from relationship to relationship who never seemed to treat the topic with much sincerity. Now I kinda get it. All you can hope for is someone to be compatible for that point is time. There really isn't a Ms/Mr right. Try for Ms/Mr right now because it's all so disposable.

I used to really believe in the idea that she and I would chose each other above all else. The idea that this was a serious choice that wasn't to be taken lightly. I used to really believe in the idea that love was something special. But it's not. I went from really being in love with that 7 year girl to viciously hating her in the span of a few months (the time it took to reflect). We (mostly me) went trough hell and high water to stay together. Her family tried to separate us but we fought and persisted.We got along so well and seemed unshakable. But still she just got bored and up and left. She taught me how laughable the very idea of "I chose you above all others" really is. I'll never forgive her for that.

But that's what it amounts to. "Love" is nothing special. It's not some life changing, powerful force. It's fleeting, temporary, frivolous, and fragile. I understand it now. I get why those people never treated the situation seriously. There's little reason to. I've become one of the people that I used to feel bad for.

I'll probably never "fall in love" agai ...


Drink more beer
 
2014-01-18 10:51:21 AM

eiger: My words to my current wife when the issue arose (she planned to keep her name): I wouldn't take your name; why the hell should you take mine? In fact, if you did take mine, I'd respect you a lot less.

I really don't understand all the insecure men who insist on their wives taking their names. What the hell do you care? Either you love each other and it'll work or it won't. Taking the same name won't make a difference.


This.

As I metioned the last time this thread came up (last week), since the mid 70s, when they overhauled the civil code and gave women the right to sign contracts and own property, they also decide that they should keep the same name from craddle to the grave. It makes a lot of paperwork simpler.

As for the kids, at first there were lots of hyphenated last names, but now that they are of child-bearing age, themselves, the trend seems to have stopped and now most kids only have they father's name.
 
2014-01-18 11:08:58 AM

SDRR: Drink more beer


Ha. I don't like beer. It's bitter and wrong. I can drink the lighter amber beers if there's nothing else. Michelob Ultra, Corona, Stella, etc. Dark beers are like drinking motor oil. I love me some liquor, though. Rum. tequila, vodka, whisky, etc.  Good stuff.
 
2014-01-18 11:13:38 AM

CtrlAltDestroy: walktoanarcade: Good to hear that you got some stuff to have some healthy pride over. And yeah, life's a trip..sorry I don't have much to say except lately I've been metaphorically stepped on, and on the other hand I may have made some new friends. *may*

Not holding my breath.  It seems people are waiting for enough opinions they dislike then they can discard you and hold to their own.

Pot helps not helps my physical pains, but allows me to tolerate various folks and their stupid personalities and prejudices.

Eh, yeah. Some people are like that. Being around them enough will start to make you paranoid. Good luck, man.

As for pot, I've never tried it. I probably wont any time soon. I'm not really drawn to mind altering things. I've never been drunk or personally seen the point in doing so. I do drink for the taste, though. Maybe one day for both. It's worth the experience for the sake of curiosity, I think.

I prefer to get lost in my interests. Cruising down lonesome roads on my motorcycle or wrenching on one of my cars is my version of meditation. It clears the mind and relaxes the body.


Thanks, though I am better at identifying those types and letting them know early on that I'm looking to assciate with folks who aren't easily offended and don't watch too much TV.  I find that it's the people that watch the most TV are the worst.

Yes, a lot of people fail to understand that work and exercise and natural stress relievers, and I know what you mean about meditation. You're talking about being totally relaxed, even if the tasks require skills and focus. It's a sweet place to be in life.  Glad you're there, dude. :)  I do like it a lot when someone can tell me that they're happy in a way, if not completely happy, which is rare.

And hey, getting drunk will only age you more quickly and make you forget things or possibly blacking out. You sound like a cool dude, and I want you to know that getting drunk has nearly killed me many times and I am blessed, lucky, charmed,  favored, you name it,  to be alive.  It's not that fun.  Plus, remember, it will AGE YOU.

/oh and I am not the kind of pot smoker that asks others to try it, I was just talking.
// will never drink again
 
2014-01-18 12:14:35 PM
I was going to say "In Islam, a woman does not lose her identity." But upon further thought am not sure if their is anything in the religion about that. It does mention naming people after their fathers.
However, some of the things Islam DID being with it some 14 centuries ago:
1) women's right to own things/land
2) right to approve/refuse a suitor
3) right to inheritance, though females in general get half of what the males get, with the obligation that males are breadwinners and the female has the choice to give her husband, and it is considered alms/charity (maybe not the right choice of words).

These are the things I remember off the top of my head.
There are many more. Feel free to google if interested.
 
2014-01-18 05:39:59 PM
If the time comes, I would love to take my girlfriend's name
/she's the boss :)
 
2014-01-18 11:13:59 PM
Honestly, if I could go back and do it all over, I'd have never changed my name. I love my husband, and I don't mind at all being referred to as "Mrs. [insert hubby's name here]," the amount of paperwork and hassle involved in that whole thing was unnecessary. Here I am nearly 11 years later, and I'll still occasionally come across something bearing my maiden name that has to be fixed. I ran into it a couple years ago when we refinanced our mortgage. I imagine I'll go through it all again when I finally find the time to go back to college.

I love him to death, and I hope we never divorce, but if we do I'll retake my maiden name, and there's no chance in hell I'll do the name change again after that.
 
2014-01-18 11:32:40 PM
Forgot to add... I have an ex with the last name "Annas." It got mispronounced exactly like you think it did (particularly by my mother), and I told him at the time that if we ever got married I was keeping my maiden name and that the kids would likely take my name.

He had no problem with this. He hated his last name, too.
 
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