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(io9)   What medieval armor worn by women really looked like; Skyrim modders clutching their knees are disappointed   (io9.com) divider line 155
    More: Interesting, Late Middle Ages Reconsidered, Byzantine, French Army, Joan of Arc, knees, J.M. Blythe, Canterbury  
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25186 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Jan 2014 at 5:41 PM (34 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-16 06:29:56 PM

Lonestar: [th08.deviantart.net image 731x1092]

I larp, lightning bolt!
[th04.deviantart.net image 730x1095]

Careful with that bow!

[th02.deviantart.net image 850x340]


You can keep the first one, but have the other two sent to my tent.
 
2014-01-16 06:31:08 PM

Monkeyhouse Zendo: baconbeard: This is what male armour looked like though, right?




I don't know what you're complaining about, it's not like young boys could develop a skewed perception of body image from something like that.


If He-Man was life sized he'd have something like a 62" chest and a 28" waist and 26" biceps

Mr. Olympia era Ahhnold had a 57" chest and 34" waist and 22" biceps

I'm pretty sure He-Man's physique would litterally be impossable irl. It makes Ahhnold in his prime look sane by comparison.
 
2014-01-16 06:31:18 PM

Sin_City_Superhero: Pretty sure this is a faithful and historical recreation:

[baremaidens.org image 385x550]

[fc00.deviantart.net image 850x637]

[d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net image 576x720]


10,000 of them could defeat any modern military with out a single bullet being fired.
 
2014-01-16 06:31:37 PM
One part of why armor is unrealistic in video games is animating the rigid armors is a bit more difficult than it sounds.

Looks worse than non-realistic boob jiggle.

/the 3d meshes are designed to bend, because, processing power(easier to bend semi-rigid things than have a lot of individual completely rigid plates), and when plate armor does that stretchy bendy thing it looks like utter shiat.

Also, magic and dragons and shiat, who the fark cares about "realistic" armor?

/get over it.
 
2014-01-16 06:32:08 PM

skinink: The io9 picture made me realize I haven't seen much of Leelee Sobieski in anything lately.


I like her in not much of anything.
 
2014-01-16 06:34:25 PM

baconbeard: FunkOut: baconbeard: Monkeyhouse Zendo: baconbeard: This is what male armour looked like though, right?

[img.fark.net image 300x471]


I don't know what you're complaining about, it's not like young boys could develop a skewed perception of body image from something like that.

Isn't that because young boys are smart enough to know the difference between fantasy and reality?

No, it's because boys usually don't give a crap what they look like. On the other hand, it's usually the first thing a girl is judged on.

You sure about that? Why don't we ask the fat ugly guy in school if looks matter? You know, the guy everyone makes fun of.


Don't ask me about that, dude, I was just the ugly girl boys went out of their way to tell how disgusting she looked.

Besides, he said young boys. See, I am super super old and I recall the days when kids were playing with He-Man toys on the playground and eating their pudding pops and such, and you see the boys had messed up hair and dirt on their clothes and boogers and just did not give a damn. The girls, on the other hand, would have been mortified to be seen like that. It would have made them...ew, like, gross. You had strong boys and clever boys and funny boys but if you were a girl, well, by George, you'd better be a pretty girl or wishing you were a pretty girl. Then when we grew up, none of the girls expected the boys to look like He-Man but the boys did expect the girls to look like Barbies.

Anyhow, I struck gold in the backhills of Calleefornya back in '53 and spent that winter in a cave with pack of feral Mormons I eventually ended up selling to Chinese opium dealers for a crank operated movie projector and 10 barrels of fine Fresno olives.
 
2014-01-16 06:44:37 PM
Actual armor women of that time wore.

freethoughtblogs.com
 
2014-01-16 06:47:11 PM
What, a women in armor thread and no Alias?

www.toplessrobot.com

You're slipping, guys.
 
2014-01-16 06:47:42 PM
Note about fantasy:

Yes, video games are a fantasy. But the thing about fantasy, and fiction in general, is you've got to have suspension of disbelief. If there's a character that's supposed to be some badass, and the setting is supposed to be on the realistic side, boob-armor kinda breaks that suspension of disbelief, because a real badass warrior woman who actually fought with a sword would never dress like that. Now, on the other hand, if she's a sorceress or something, she can be dressed as skimpily as the designers want, and there might be some complaints about how sexual she is or whatever, but at least a woman dressed in a bikini who uses magic doesn't break the in-universe rules of how things operate because being skimpily dressed isn't any impediment to casting magic, unlike a warrior with nonsensical armor. It doesn't break the suspension of disbelief. Now on the other-hand if the whole game is some sort of Japanese-style extremely stylized world and the main character is lugging around a sword longer than he is tall, boob-armor isn't an issue, but the more realistic things are meant to be the sillier it looks.
 
2014-01-16 06:47:52 PM

Snapper Carr: Female fitted armor looked pretty much exactly like its male counterpart only a little more room and padding in the chest area.

Right
[25.media.tumblr.com image 467x700]

[1-media-cdn.foolz.us image 525x700]

Wrong

[static.fjcdn.com image 500x570]


FTFY.

/Because you do not want your boobs bouncing against plate mail.
 
2014-01-16 06:53:17 PM

Sin_City_Superhero: Pretty sure this is a faithful and historical recreation:

[baremaidens.org image 385x550]

[fc00.deviantart.net image 850x637]

[d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net image 576x720]


Interesting. Very interesting. And who is that? You know, for research.
 
2014-01-16 07:02:10 PM
 
2014-01-16 07:02:59 PM

Smirky the Wonder Chimp: What, a women in armor thread and no Alias?

[www.toplessrobot.com image 250x307]

You're slipping, guys.


Now that's a deep cut.
 
2014-01-16 07:08:41 PM

Corvus: What my video games are unrealistic??!?!?

Next thing they'll tell me the dragons in Skyrim aren't like actual real dragons!!!


Heh, ummmm they actually aren't real dragons. They're Wyverns

i.imgur.com
 
2014-01-16 07:08:52 PM
4.bp.blogspot.com

Real female armor
 
2014-01-16 07:10:16 PM
Yes. And male warriors are always depicted in full-body covering, of course. . .

sciencefiction.com
2.bp.blogspot.com

assets.nydailynews.com

www.toplessrobot.com
wrongsideoftheart.com

Sorry, but this complaint just needs to stop. It's called the FANTASY genre for a reason.
 
2014-01-16 07:14:11 PM

FunkOut: baconbeard: FunkOut: baconbeard: Monkeyhouse Zendo: baconbeard: This is what male armour looked like though, right?

[img.fark.net image 300x471]


I don't know what you're complaining about, it's not like young boys could develop a skewed perception of body image from something like that.

Isn't that because young boys are smart enough to know the difference between fantasy and reality?

No, it's because boys usually don't give a crap what they look like. On the other hand, it's usually the first thing a girl is judged on.

You sure about that? Why don't we ask the fat ugly guy in school if looks matter? You know, the guy everyone makes fun of.

Don't ask me about that, dude, I was just the ugly girl boys went out of their way to tell how disgusting she looked.

Besides, he said young boys. See, I am super super old and I recall the days when kids were playing with He-Man toys on the playground and eating their pudding pops and such, and you see the boys had messed up hair and dirt on their clothes and boogers and just did not give a damn. The girls, on the other hand, would have been mortified to be seen like that. It would have made them...ew, like, gross. You had strong boys and clever boys and funny boys but if you were a girl, well, by George, you'd better be a pretty girl or wishing you were a pretty girl. Then when we grew up, none of the girls expected the boys to look like He-Man but the boys did expect the girls to look like Barbies.

Anyhow, I struck gold in the backhills of Calleefornya back in '53 and spent that winter in a cave with pack of feral Mormons I eventually ended up selling to Chinese opium dealers for a crank operated movie projector and 10 barrels of fine Fresno olives.



I still have one of those barrels
 
2014-01-16 07:14:57 PM

ZeroCorpse: Yes. And male warriors are always depicted in full-body covering, of course. . .

[sciencefiction.com image 552x800]
[2.bp.blogspot.com image 426x640]

[assets.nydailynews.com image 635x477]

[www.toplessrobot.com image 270x364]
[wrongsideoftheart.com image 850x1209]

Sorry, but this complaint just needs to stop. It's called the FANTASY genre for a reason.


So, how much Keefe is in this movie?

Miles O'Keefe
 
2014-01-16 07:15:25 PM

way south: I've grown out of being able to enjoy the tin-foil bikinis they tend to put female characters in. Now it mostly annoys me, because I know its an amature ploy to sell games with sex.

However, there's been a resurgence in dressing women appropriately for combat... And I fear its awoken a new fetish in me.
[img.fark.net image 320x476]


Not to mention this woman is the first female to win the international longsword invitational: http://fashionablygeek.com/videos-2/this-armored-lady-won-the-longswo r d-competition-at-a-world-invitational-tournament/#!sqcfL

So yeah, she's hot and she's a badass.
 
2014-01-16 07:15:30 PM
Any discussion of females in armour is incomplete without young Helen Mirren in armour.
 
2014-01-16 07:23:51 PM

Begoggle: [4.bp.blogspot.com image 850x442]

Real female armor


My problem with that franchise isn't the armor... It's the stupid bladed weapons that don't cut, don't draw blood, don't dismember, etc. Why bother giving them bladed weapons if they're just going to behave like blunt instruments?
 
2014-01-16 07:24:01 PM

Creoena: The real question is what the battle squirrels were wearing:

[lh3.googleusercontent.com image 512x342]


Those were totally missing from Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon's Keep.
 
2014-01-16 07:33:42 PM

FunkOut: The girls, on the other hand, would have been mortified to be seen like that. It would have made them...ew, like, gross. Then when we grew up, none of the girls expected the boys to look like He-Man but the boys did expect the girls to look like Barbies.


Maybe if you all hadn't been so "mortified" to ever get dirty, these boys would have grown up to become men that don't need a Barbie for a wife. Maybe you set the bad example for them.
 
2014-01-16 07:39:05 PM
i6.photobucket.com
 
2014-01-16 07:39:54 PM

Charlie Chingas: Sin_City_Superhero: Pretty sure this is a faithful and historical recreation:

[baremaidens.org image 385x550]

[fc00.deviantart.net image 850x637]

[d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net image 576x720]

Interesting. Very interesting. And who is that? You know, for research.


Shyla Stylez.  Any related GIS will be very NSFW.  I think she gets plowed in that very armor in one of her movies, but I'm not 100% sure.

/must conduct own reasearch
//for science, not fapping.  I swear.
 
2014-01-16 07:44:32 PM

Scrotastic Method: FunkOut: The girls, on the other hand, would have been mortified to be seen like that. It would have made them...ew, like, gross. Then when we grew up, none of the girls expected the boys to look like He-Man but the boys did expect the girls to look like Barbies.

Maybe if you all hadn't been so "mortified" to ever get dirty, these boys would have grown up to become men that don't need a Barbie for a wife. Maybe you set the bad example for them.


Nope, I was out there playing Transformers and Star Wars. I was friends with the Japanese kids. A kid once told me I couldn't play the boy games so I kicked him in the shin.
 
2014-01-16 07:47:15 PM
Fantasy....how does it work?
 
2014-01-16 07:50:38 PM
4.bp.blogspot.com

metalgaia.files.wordpress.com

images.vg247.com
 
2014-01-16 07:51:23 PM
The sort of games/literature/comics that has skimpily armor clad women is aimed at men generally. Who cares what women think, they aren't the intended target audience.

It's like a guy picking up some romance novel aimed at women - you know with a shirtless Fabio on the front or some shiat, and complaining that all the ultra perfect male protagonists who will literally die if they don't get the girl are unrealistic. Who cares, read/watch/play something else.

Not everything is aimed at everyone, nor should it have to be.
 
2014-01-16 07:53:06 PM

Kalashinator: Charlie Chingas: Sin_City_Superhero: Pretty sure this is a faithful and historical recreation:

[baremaidens.org image 385x550]

[fc00.deviantart.net image 850x637]

[d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net image 576x720]

Interesting. Very interesting. And who is that? You know, for research.

Shyla Stylez.  Any related GIS will be very NSFW.  I think she gets plowed in that very armor in one of her movies, but I'm not 100% sure.

/must conduct own reasearch
//for science, not fapping.  I swear.


She's a true master of her craft.  I also find her work addressing the socioeconomic implications of realistic, servile pleasure robots to be quite thought-provoking.
 
2014-01-16 07:54:23 PM

Mouser: Evans points to the tale of Margaret of Beverley, a woman who did indeed participate in the defense of Jerusalem while the city was under siege by Saladin during the Third Crusade.  Margaret's brother wrote that she wore a cooking pot on her head while she brought water to the men on the walls. Although her behavior is described as man-like, and Evans notes that it seems entirely plausible that anyone might find a cooking pot a handy piece of armor in a siege, he wonders if Margaret's headgear was invented to make her seem more womanly, or to create an absurd visual of a woman in war, using a woman's tools to defend herself.

I don't know about you, but I'd think twice about going up against someone wearing a pot on their head and armed with an assortment of kitchen knives and other potentially lethal cookware.


I would agree, because someone so attired and armed would likely have either 1) EVERYTHING to lose or 2)NOTHING left to lose.

/unless that was sarcasm, in which case i disagree for the above reasons
 
2014-01-16 07:56:32 PM
 
2014-01-16 07:58:15 PM

scottydoesntknow: Corvus: What my video games are unrealistic??!?!?

Next thing they'll tell me the dragons in Skyrim aren't like actual real dragons!!!

Heh, ummmm they actually aren't real dragons. They're Wyverns

[i.imgur.com image 822x1000]


That has always fascinated me. Dragons with four limbs plus wings would have to be in a completely different evolutionary trouser leg than most other beings. They clearly have articulated skeletons, but we have no examples of normally six limbed creatures with articulated skeletons in the real world. There are of course all sorts of multiple limbed critters but not vertebrates. It's easy to point to "magical mutations" like various chimera and driders and the like, but dragons are rarely placed in that category.

I always wonder... where are the rest of the six (or eight) limbed critters that are close relations to dragons? Certainly there would be an entire part of the ecosystem that should be along the same basic architecture-- six limbed vertebrates of natural and ancient pedigree. It could be argued that they are "living fossils" but even with modern living fossils we can find commonalities in basic form with other creatures of more recent origin. They have a place that can be pointed to, where we can say "This is where they forked, and they have continued on successfully."

Wyverns are far easier to explain, morphologically. They make a lot more sense compared to dragons. Scary, flying dinosaur. You can picture that. It makes anatomical sense. You don't need to toss in a bunch of other six or eight limbed vertebrates for verisimilitude. That wyvern? Pure, classical animal.
 
2014-01-16 08:01:57 PM

BolloxReader: That has always fascinated me. Dragons with four limbs plus wings would have to be in a completely different evolutionary trouser leg than most other beings. They clearly have articulated skeletons, but we have no examples of normally six limbed creatures with articulated skeletons in the real world. There are of course all sorts of multiple limbed critters but not vertebrates. It's easy to point to "magical mutations" like various chimera and driders and the like, but dragons are rarely placed in that category.


Dragons are frequently put in the magical mutations category. That or they're ancient gods or somesuch.

Darwinian dragons probably evolved from a common ancestor with really large shoulder blades.
 
2014-01-16 08:03:42 PM

Snapper Carr: Female fitted armor looked pretty much exactly like its male counterpart only a little more room in the chest area.

Right




Wrong


Look at that elfs unrealistic armor! A real elf would never wear that in a fight
 
2014-01-16 08:05:45 PM

zzrhardy: The sort of games/literature/comics that has skimpily armor clad women is aimed at men generally. Who cares what women think, they aren't the intended target audience.

It's like a guy picking up some romance novel aimed at women - you know with a shirtless Fabio on the front or some shiat, and complaining that all the ultra perfect male protagonists who will literally die if they don't get the girl are unrealistic. Who cares, read/watch/play something else.

Not everything is aimed at everyone, nor should it have to be.


Aaaand plenty of this
 
2014-01-16 08:08:03 PM

scottydoesntknow: Corvus: What my video games are unrealistic??!?!?

Next thing they'll tell me the dragons in Skyrim aren't like actual real dragons!!!

Heh, ummmm they actually aren't real dragons. They're Wyverns


Please don't start this

/real dragons, he says
 
2014-01-16 08:14:19 PM

zzrhardy: The sort of games/literature/comics that has skimpily armor clad women is aimed at men generally. Who cares what women think, they aren't the intended target audience.

It's like a guy picking up some romance novel aimed at women - you know with a shirtless Fabio on the front or some shiat, and complaining that all the ultra perfect male protagonists who will literally die if they don't get the girl are unrealistic. Who cares, read/watch/play something else.

Not everything is aimed at everyone, nor should it have to be.


There's a big difference here. Using your example, if a man picked up a romance novel and didn't like or "approve" of it for any reason, he'd simply shrug his shoulders and write his own romance novel that was more to his liking instead of complaining about it. Men fix things, women complain about them.

It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
 
2014-01-16 08:17:05 PM

BenJammin: Actual armor women of that time wore.

[freethoughtblogs.com image 408x336]


WTF?

/The anal part would have shaved turds like something for a cake decoration.
 
2014-01-16 08:22:56 PM

scottydoesntknow: Corvus: What my video games are unrealistic??!?!?

Next thing they'll tell me the dragons in Skyrim aren't like actual real dragons!!!

Heh, ummmm they actually aren't real dragons. They're Wyverns

[i.imgur.com image 822x1000]



Vermithrax Pejorative disagrees with you.
 
2014-01-16 08:23:54 PM

Beerguy: [wallpapershd3d.com image 850x637]

God bless Clyde Caldwell.


That is one helluva wedgie. And... wait... Is her scabbard strapped to the back of her leg?That seems inconvenient.

Cool dragon, though.
 
2014-01-16 08:26:54 PM
It would make the most sense that shaping armor to a boob size is time consuming and expensive. Best to have it come out a bit further then backfill with padding.  Less hammering involved, but probably very hot temp wise for the wearer.
 
2014-01-16 08:29:09 PM

djkutch: BenJammin: Actual armor women of that time wore.

[freethoughtblogs.com image 408x336]

WTF?

/The anal part would have shaved turds like something for a cake decoration.


Ye olde women must have made tiny little rabbit poops.
 
2014-01-16 08:33:40 PM

VladTheEmailer: Creoena: The real question is what the battle squirrels were wearing:

[lh3.googleusercontent.com image 512x342]

Or Battle Guinea Pigs...
[encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com image 255x198]

Or battlecats!


img0.etsystatic.com

 
2014-01-16 08:34:06 PM
And to be fair, skimpy armor isn't just represented in medieval armor.

farm9.staticflickr.com
 
2014-01-16 08:40:14 PM

Beerguy: And to be fair, skimpy armor isn't just represented in medieval armor


Yeah, but don't most of those future, Halo-style armors project some sort of force field? It's not the armor that's protecting you, it's the energy it puts out. You could butt naked with a force-projecting butt plug inserted and get the same benefit if that's the way armor works, so why not wear something flattering.
 
2014-01-16 08:45:16 PM

Monkeyhouse Zendo: What's the complaint here? That video games don't look like real life?

On a related note, I can't wait for the release of "3rd Floor Cube Farm", I understand that they've realistically implemented flickering fluorescent lights and the snack machine i the break room is its own minigame. Best of 2014, I'm telling you.


It is an older game, but I had some funs back in the day:

http://games.adultswim.com/hrmageddon-puzzle-online-game.html
 
2014-01-16 08:46:43 PM

zzrhardy: The sort of games/literature/comics that has skimpily armor clad women is aimed at men generally. Who cares what women think, they aren't the intended target audience.

It's like a guy picking up some romance novel aimed at women - you know with a shirtless Fabio on the front or some shiat, and complaining that all the ultra perfect male protagonists who will literally die if they don't get the girl are unrealistic. Who cares, read/watch/play something else.

Not everything is aimed at everyone, nor should it have to be.


While I'm not a woman who cares about scantily glad characters in video games as I personally choose them if there is that option.  I would like to say that fantasy games are wildly popular with women too.  It isn't a man's game/genre so to speak anymore.

But really this issue is rarely about the specific game or whatever the medium is.  I think the issue most women have is that women are portrayed like that in all forms of art/media no matter what the genre or target demographic is and it can get tiresome as not only is it saying "every woman looks like this or should look like this" but also that women should be seen as nothing more than sexual objects no matter the situation.  While I know a lot of guys don't give a crap about that as they think it's just the way it is, I'm merely explaining the women's side of things.

/This is a topic that rarely gets my ire anymore so I'm not even sure why I'm commenting in this thread.
 
2014-01-16 08:48:07 PM

Pocket Ninja: Beerguy: And to be fair, skimpy armor isn't just represented in medieval armor

Yeah, but don't most of those future, Halo-style armors project some sort of force field? It's not the armor that's protecting you, it's the energy it puts out. You could butt naked with a force-projecting butt plug inserted and get the same benefit if that's the way armor works, so why not wear something flattering.


Good point.

I was really just looking for a reason to post that pic...for some reason, I kinda like it.
 
2014-01-16 08:48:35 PM
This wikipedia page exists:

List of wartime cross-dressers.

I was trying to find a particular example of a woman who cross-dressed and fought, and I found that.

I think the particular example I was looking for was Hannah Snell.

It's just fortunate they didn't have gays back then. I mean, women and gays on the front lines? How demoralising would that be?
 
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