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(Gawker)   The infamous swiss cheese masturbator has been tracked down through his OKCupid account. Obviously   (gawker.com) divider line 76
    More: Followup, masturbators, Philadelphia's Special Victims Unit, dating sites  
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10243 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Jan 2014 at 1:36 AM (35 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



76 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-01-12 10:20:45 PM
img.gawkerassets.com
The Fast and the Cheesy: Philly Phister
 
2014-01-12 10:30:11 PM
I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous. And then he'd go right away.
At least it's had that affect when other guys exposed themselves to me.

/on the street, I mean.
 
2014-01-12 10:45:48 PM

cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.


This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.
 
2014-01-12 11:08:47 PM
I have no knowledge of this but I'm oddly envious that somebody has claimed the title of "swiss cheese masturbator".. And now, in his jizzimy shadow, I somehow feel that my life has somehow not been excellent enough.

I think that maybe I too need to claim a title...I'm not sure what it should be but I'm pretty sure you should all stock up on hair nets. Just sayin', I tend to go with my strengths.
 
2014-01-12 11:11:31 PM
Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it
 
2014-01-12 11:21:43 PM

cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous. And then he'd go right away.
At least it's had that affect when other guys exposed themselves to me.

/on the street, I mean.


You've gouda be kidding me.
 
2014-01-12 11:25:18 PM

Suckmaster Burstingfoam: Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it


i dont think it's illegal, as much as the sitting in his car naked, and offering the money part. maybe that's the issue.
 
2014-01-13 12:29:03 AM
Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.
 
2014-01-13 12:38:25 AM
Now that the cheese dick masturbater manhunt has been called off thousand of young Philly residences can return to their eating-cheetos-while-masturbating-to-internet-porn lifestyles without being afraid of being taken into custody in a case of mistaken identity.
 
2014-01-13 12:51:33 AM

Benevolent Misanthrope: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.


I don't think I could do anything but laugh in his face.

There's no way I could take this guy seriously.

The conversation about mental health in the US though...
 
2014-01-13 01:08:39 AM
Our long national cheese masturbation nightmare is over. Now the healing can begin.
 
2014-01-13 01:14:12 AM
I'm glad they acted so quickly, I thought it'd take muenster find him. At least no one blue him and they got him before he could parm anyone else. He's probably going to raclette his decisions now that it's public. He deserves to spend the rest of his life provolone. I bet he thought he'd be real colby jacking off at these poor women. I know if he did this to me I'd probably sh*t a brick. Since the press havarti found out where he lives I'll bet he moves out into a cottage in the country somewhere outside of Philadelphia. And although there still seems to be some holes in this reporter's story, this guy seems to feta the profile. Limburger.
 
2014-01-13 01:40:17 AM

fusillade762: Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.


Fusillade, you are by far my favorite farker.
 
2014-01-13 01:41:35 AM
I once fingered a girl with blue cheese crumbles. At least I hope that's what that was.
 
2014-01-13 01:41:53 AM

Suckmaster Burstingfoam: Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it


If it's anything like the way he handled Jeriko One, this masturbator is in deep shiat.

quatchi: Now that the cheese dick masturbater manhunt has been called off thousand of young  Philly residences can return to their eating-cheetos-while-masturbating-to-internet-porn lifestyles without being afraid of being taken into custody in a case of mistaken identity.


Are we sure this whole thing didn't blow up because he was using Swiss cheese rather than the local cheese variety?
 
2014-01-13 01:42:48 AM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: I once fingered a girl with blue cheese  waffle crumbles. At least I hope that's what that was.


Fixed that for you.


Ewwwww!
 
2014-01-13 01:43:13 AM
Meanwhile, anyone that's purchased swiss cheese in Philadelphia while this has been going on has been put on a list.
 
2014-01-13 01:45:10 AM

hardinparamedic: Benevolent Misanthrope: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.

I don't think I could do anything but laugh in his face.

There's no way I could take this guy seriously.

The conversation about mental health in the US though...


Indeed, that always say not enough beds or something, sigh.
 
2014-01-13 01:49:25 AM

cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

~

FTA: "Philadelphia's Special Victims Unit is investigating."

Jesus Christ.
 
2014-01-13 01:51:04 AM

fusillade762: Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.



Aaaand we're done here. Kill the lights on the way out, would you?
 
2014-01-13 01:54:02 AM

Apos: fusillade762: Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.


Aaaand we're done here. Kill the lights on the way out, would you?


i don't get the comparisons to rob ford. rob is an upstanding Canadian politician who has been honest with the press about his drug habits. he is not a serial masturbator, or sexual predator. he even said he gets enough pussy at home, so he need not wander the city with cheese looking for ladies.

the swiss cheese fellow on the other hand, has probably never been elected to office.
 
2014-01-13 01:55:00 AM
Whew! That's a relief.
 For a second there, I thought they had captured the Philadelphia Cream Cheese masturbator.
 
2014-01-13 01:55:25 AM
I bet his alibi will be found full of holes.
 
2014-01-13 01:56:25 AM

greendanny8: Whew! That's a relief.
 For a second there, I thought they had captured the Philadelphia Cream Cheese masturbator.


No, you'll be caught by your FARK account.
 
2014-01-13 01:57:55 AM

wildcardjack: I bet his alibi will be found full of holes.


I doubt he gives edam about that.
 
2014-01-13 02:01:08 AM
As a woman I really have gotten more disgusting things proposed to me by men, and have sometimes accepted. So he's right on that count (if you click the link to read the email he sent some lucky lady on OKCupid you'll see what I mean) but rubbing swiss cheese on some obese guys c*ck is never gonna be my thing.

/sorry :(
//Velveeta now...
 
2014-01-13 02:03:31 AM
Had to be euro cheese didnt it?
 
2014-01-13 02:16:40 AM
Is it too soon to talk about cheese control?
 
2014-01-13 02:20:12 AM
I was expecting whey more puns in this thread
 
2014-01-13 02:21:29 AM

haolegirl: Is it too soon to talk about cheese control?


Cheese doesn't masturbate at people, people with cheese masturbate at people.

/if you legislate against cheese, only the cheese-masturbators will have cheese
//you'll take away my cheese over my cold, dead, cheese-smothered body
 
2014-01-13 02:29:09 AM
Okay I am going to totally gross myself out and wonder what he does with the cheese after the masturbation?
 
2014-01-13 02:29:57 AM
s28.postimg.org
 
2014-01-13 02:33:36 AM

gweilo8888: haolegirl: Is it too soon to talk about cheese control?

Cheese doesn't masturbate at people, people with cheese masturbate at people.

/if you legislate against cheese, only the cheese-masturbators will have cheese
//you'll take away my cheese over my cold, dead, cheese-smothered body


Yep...too soon, or way too late. Damn.
 
2014-01-13 02:37:49 AM
This is my 1st cheese masturbator thread.

Has anyone quoted Andrew Dice Clay yet?

"Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful."

i41.tinypic.com

Every time I see a SWISS CHEESE MASTURBATOR headline I think of that quote.
 
2014-01-13 03:00:16 AM

Hector Remarkable: Our long national cheese masturbation nightmare is over. Now the healing can begin.


Or, at least, the curdling.
 
2014-01-13 03:06:56 AM

Calypsocookie: As a woman I really have gotten more disgusting things proposed to me by men, and have sometimes accepted. So he's right on that count (if you click the link to read the email he sent some lucky lady on OKCupid you'll see what I mean) but rubbing swiss cheese on some obese guys c*ck is never gonna be my thing.

/sorry :(
//Velveeta now...


How YOU doin'?
 
2014-01-13 03:21:38 AM

lasercannon: Okay I am going to totally gross myself out and wonder what he does with the cheese after the masturbation?


he eats it....but you already knew that. he takes it home and makes sammiches with it.
 
2014-01-13 03:49:09 AM
Rubbing swiss on his pecorino? What a muenster!
 
2014-01-13 03:58:56 AM
I picked the wrong week to delete my OKCupid account.  Guys like this make me look GOOD!
 
2014-01-13 04:08:23 AM
Turning Swiss cheese into cream cheese?!

I hope the police brie him in.
 
2014-01-13 04:27:17 AM

Summoner101: I was expecting whey more puns in this thread


Too many puns would just rennet into the ground.
 
2014-01-13 06:03:12 AM
The cheese masterbater wasn't curding anyone!
 
2014-01-13 06:19:26 AM
Is this what people mean when they talk about an authentic Philly cheese steak?
 
2014-01-13 06:40:00 AM
I wonder if he dismantled his Fark account also .

/GorGor ?
 
2014-01-13 07:03:33 AM

tinfoil-hat maggie: hardinparamedic: Benevolent Misanthrope: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.

I don't think I could do anything but laugh in his face.

There's no way I could take this guy seriously.

The conversation about mental health in the US though...

Indeed, that always say not enough beds or something, sigh.


You know who else liked to lock up people for the crime of being different?
 
2014-01-13 07:05:31 AM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: I once fingered a girl with blue cheese crumbles. At least I hope that's what that was.


Oh you bastard.
 
2014-01-13 07:17:48 AM
Cops had a hard time believing eyewitnesses as their statements were full of holes
 
2014-01-13 07:18:22 AM
OK, I need some clarification.  All of the stories describe him requesting that his victims "use" the cheese on him.  What move are we talking about?  The "wrap"?  A little fondue action?  Is the poor bastard going to be able to make use of one of the holes?  I need a ruling here.  Meanwhile I can't even order a turkey and swiss at the Wawa any more, since all I do is ponder over the after-taste and wonder if any component of it is him.  I need a ruling here.
 
2014-01-13 07:29:39 AM

ItchyRash: OK, I need some clarification.  All of the stories describe him requesting that his victims "use" the cheese on him.  What move are we talking about?  The "wrap"?  A little fondue action?  Is the poor bastard going to be able to make use of one of the holes?  I need a ruling here.  Meanwhile I can't even order a turkey and swiss at the Wawa any more, since all I do is ponder over the after-taste and wonder if any component of it is him.  I need a ruling here.


You should check out the message he sent on OKCupid.  Not sure if it's SFW to post inline or not, but my favorite quote from it is "So I found an object that to me best represented girls.  It happened to be dairy products, specifically cheese."
Maybe it somehow ties into the whole "getting the milk for free" analogy...
 
2014-01-13 07:31:47 AM

Big Ramifications: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.
~

FTA: "Philadelphia's Special Victims Unit is investigating."

Jesus Christ.


*DONK* *DONK*
 
2014-01-13 07:39:04 AM
Where I'm from, people just have sex with picnic tables.
 
2014-01-13 07:46:29 AM
Give this guy a grant for public art.
 
2014-01-13 07:50:12 AM
After sex chat:

"Hey, baby!  That was GREAT!  Hey, could you be a doll and make me a sandwich?   But don't use the...you know..."
 
2014-01-13 08:00:35 AM

haolegirl: Is it too soon to talk about cheese control?


The only thing that can stop a bad guy with cheese is a good guy with cheese.
 
2014-01-13 08:08:47 AM
No Mayor McCheese reference yet?
 
2014-01-13 08:20:39 AM
SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
 
2014-01-13 08:28:53 AM
As an obese man trying to date in Philadelphia...

I'm not sayin' he should exposed himself... but I understand.

/sigh
 
2014-01-13 08:31:39 AM

Big Ramifications: This is my 1st cheese masturbator thread.

Has anyone quoted Andrew Dice Clay yet?

"Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful."

[i41.tinypic.com image 253x148]

Every time I see a SWISS CHEESE MASTURBATOR headline I think of that quote.

Congratulations!   I'm sure your parents are so Proud

 
2014-01-13 08:57:36 AM

serial_crusher: You should check out the message he sent on OKCupid. Not sure if it's SFW to post inline or not, but my favorite quote from it is "So I found an object that to me best represented girls. It happened to be dairy products, specifically cheese."
Maybe it somehow ties into the whole "getting the milk for free" analogy...


1.media.todaysbigthing.cvcdn.com

What does it say that I'm merely put off rather than horrified all to hell by this?
 
2014-01-13 09:15:39 AM

RobSeace: SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!


img.poptower.com
No THANK you, Mr. Wendsleydale.
 
2014-01-13 09:17:12 AM

some_beer_drinker: Suckmaster Burstingfoam: Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it

i dont think it's illegal, as much as the sitting in his car naked, and offering the money part. maybe that's the issue.


More this guy is super creepy and he's escalating from sending creepy messages on dating sites to exposing himself to dozens of women.

This obviously isn't a one-off, also what mentally sound guy would run around Philly and expose themselves to random women.
 
2014-01-13 09:21:14 AM

GoldSpider: You know who else liked to lock up people for the crime of being different?


Dude, you're talking to a furry who's girlfriend is into ageplay.

There's a line between different and mentally ill. And that line usually involves trying to get random strangers in public to participate in your fetish.

/Your fetish is not my fetish.
//And that's okay.
///But rolling up to random women and yelling "JERK MAH CHEESE OFF" is not okay.
////THAT'S NO GOOOD.
 
2014-01-13 09:31:01 AM
Did police departments actually call it a Special Victims Unit before that TV show was around?  Didn't they call it the Sex Crimes Unit in the pilot episode, then change it to be more network TV friendly?
 
2014-01-13 09:39:58 AM
Of course it's so wrong. It's Philadelphia and you're supposed to get the guy off with a cheeseSTEAK. Duh.
 
2014-01-13 09:57:12 AM

shortymac: some_beer_drinker: Suckmaster Burstingfoam: Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it

i dont think it's illegal, as much as the sitting in his car naked, and offering the money part. maybe that's the issue.

More this guy is super creepy and he's escalating from sending creepy messages on dating sites to exposing himself to dozens of women.

This obviously isn't a one-off, also what mentally sound guy would run around Philly and expose themselves to random women.


HEY! Don't judge, lest ye be judged!
/Runs away crying...
 
2014-01-13 10:10:36 AM
I thought that they preferred provolone on their steaks in Philly.
 
2014-01-13 11:09:04 AM

RminusQ: serial_crusher: You should check out the message he sent on OKCupid. Not sure if it's SFW to post inline or not, but my favorite quote from it is "So I found an object that to me best represented girls. It happened to be dairy products, specifically cheese."
Maybe it somehow ties into the whole "getting the milk for free" analogy...
[1.media.todaysbigthing.cvcdn.com image 167x167]
What does it say that I'm merely put off rather than horrified all to hell by this?


The guy's completely literate. It makes you think, "Well, OK, that's kind of weird, but the way you put it......"
 
2014-01-13 11:56:34 AM
You can Edam well sure that Emmenthal of what he's done.
 
2014-01-13 12:01:48 PM
Sources close to the investigation report the offender may have a history of pedophilia:
www.cheesecave.net
 
2014-01-13 12:33:54 PM
Looks more like an eHarmony type to me.
 
2014-01-13 12:55:05 PM
I remember seeing something from what can only be this same guy a few years ago on a site called EmailsFromCrazyPeople [dot] com (which no longer appears to exist), but I searched just now and someone quoted from the post I originally saw on there in a forum with a link to the above mentioned dead site. Quote below is from 2009, so this dude has been floating around with his cheese fetish from some time now:

"I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.

So to give you a basic understanding of my Swiss cheese fetish. The simplest thing is that it's a hand job using Swiss cheese as the tool to pleasure me, but I like to expand upon it by having you wrap Swiss cheese slices around my penis, and I wear it for a length of time, then we repeat the process, allowing me to savor your handy work. However it's more complex then just having a girl wrap cheese around my penis.

In my younger years I developed a strong urge for sex, but not being the best looking guy out there, girls tended to ignore me. So I would fantasize about sex and masturbate, but it just was not the same. One day I just had some strange feeling, and for some unknown reason used cheese to masturbate. I started to relate girls to cheese... I tried many different types of cheese...however none could compare to Swiss.

Swiss it a perfect representative of cheese to me, if I held up a slice of Swiss cheese in front of you, that compared to any other style of cheese, I am sure you would recognize Swiss over the rest. Also the way it smells, given it's not that bad, I use domestic, and it's eye patterns and color, Swiss is very attractive to me. It also shares all the characteristics I see in girls. It feels smooth and silky, it's semi soft and flexible, and it's smell is like perfume to me.

Take all these things and add them together, and that is what I love about having a girl wrap Swiss cheese around my penis, that and the fact that it's like having sex with you, because you control the action.

Now do I like regular sex, sure, but at the time, and I would say a good ten years before I had normal sex, this was it's substitute. Now I am just addicted to it, like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. It's like a drug, that I simple can't get enough of. Everything leading up to asking a girl, to having it done is the high, then once I cum, is the low, but the low satisfaction is short lived. That is why I like to have girls wrap cheese around me, and allow me to wear it and hang out with them, it extends the high I get from the cheese being on my penis. I would much rather know a couple girls and have them do it to me as much as possible, I simple can't get enough. Do you understand? And would be willing to help me with my addiction?"
 
2014-01-13 05:37:59 PM
img3.targetimg3.com

You'd think it'd be easier to whack it with this than that big dry slice he was holding.
 
2014-01-13 06:51:54 PM

RobSeace: SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!


It's a bit runny....
 
2014-01-13 10:16:20 PM
"Philadelphia's Special Victims Unit is investigating..."

Unless they form an Unusual Victims Unit, who else?
 
2014-01-14 05:43:36 AM
OMG! I got messaged by this guy on OKCupid, back when I lived in Philly - probably 4-5 years ago by now. He didn't get why I was offended that 1) he thought I would engage in (bizarre) sex acts for money and 2) that he was offering me $15 when the girls and shemales in the back of the Advocate charged $100 an hour, and fetish stuff a lot higher than that. Bad enough to be, essentially, called a whore, let alone by a total weirdo, but a cheap whore? RAEG!!!! I'm almost glad to hear this wasn't just a bizarre prank, or just the internet being full of creeps, because... some days you just kind of wonder about your own sanity, after a while.

But Swiss Cheese Handjob Guy is not the only weird sex/money/food-deal dude running around Philly! True story from about the same time: I was walking down one of the main streets of the city, on a bright sunny morning - so not exactly somewhere you expect this kind of thing - in a pair of shoes with clicky heels... not actually sexy high heels or anything, just clicky. This guy hears me coming up, turns around and holds up a hand-lettered sign: "Will suck pretty ladies toes for chicken wings." In multiple colors, even. I was so shocked by the sheer weirdness - I mean, chicken wings?! a foot fetishist expecting women to pay *him*?! - I couldn't even manage to be creeped out... until I walked past him and he murmured something like "don't be afraid" in a total creepy-dude voice. And then I was all "NOPE". At least Chicken Wings Guy makes for a good story.

I dunno what the hell is in the water down there, but I blame New Jersey. Because that's at least a halfway logical explanation, and also, it's New Jersey.

/css
 
2014-01-14 10:45:33 AM
Seems like a plenty of fish person.

Jokes aside, it is hard enough to get women to talk to random guys on the internet without guys like this ruining it for the rest of us.
 
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