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(Gawker)   The infamous swiss cheese masturbator has been tracked down through his OKCupid account. Obviously   (gawker.com) divider line 76
    More: Followup, masturbators, Philadelphia's Special Victims Unit, dating sites  
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10243 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Jan 2014 at 1:36 AM (32 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-12 10:20:45 PM
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The Fast and the Cheesy: Philly Phister
 
2014-01-12 10:30:11 PM
I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous. And then he'd go right away.
At least it's had that affect when other guys exposed themselves to me.

/on the street, I mean.
 
2014-01-12 10:45:48 PM

cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.


This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.
 
2014-01-12 11:08:47 PM
I have no knowledge of this but I'm oddly envious that somebody has claimed the title of "swiss cheese masturbator".. And now, in his jizzimy shadow, I somehow feel that my life has somehow not been excellent enough.

I think that maybe I too need to claim a title...I'm not sure what it should be but I'm pretty sure you should all stock up on hair nets. Just sayin', I tend to go with my strengths.
 
2014-01-12 11:11:31 PM
Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it
 
2014-01-12 11:21:43 PM

cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous. And then he'd go right away.
At least it's had that affect when other guys exposed themselves to me.

/on the street, I mean.


You've gouda be kidding me.
 
2014-01-12 11:25:18 PM

Suckmaster Burstingfoam: Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it


i dont think it's illegal, as much as the sitting in his car naked, and offering the money part. maybe that's the issue.
 
2014-01-13 12:29:03 AM
Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.
 
2014-01-13 12:38:25 AM
Now that the cheese dick masturbater manhunt has been called off thousand of young Philly residences can return to their eating-cheetos-while-masturbating-to-internet-porn lifestyles without being afraid of being taken into custody in a case of mistaken identity.
 
2014-01-13 12:51:33 AM

Benevolent Misanthrope: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.


I don't think I could do anything but laugh in his face.

There's no way I could take this guy seriously.

The conversation about mental health in the US though...
 
2014-01-13 01:08:39 AM
Our long national cheese masturbation nightmare is over. Now the healing can begin.
 
2014-01-13 01:14:12 AM
I'm glad they acted so quickly, I thought it'd take muenster find him. At least no one blue him and they got him before he could parm anyone else. He's probably going to raclette his decisions now that it's public. He deserves to spend the rest of his life provolone. I bet he thought he'd be real colby jacking off at these poor women. I know if he did this to me I'd probably sh*t a brick. Since the press havarti found out where he lives I'll bet he moves out into a cottage in the country somewhere outside of Philadelphia. And although there still seems to be some holes in this reporter's story, this guy seems to feta the profile. Limburger.
 
2014-01-13 01:40:17 AM

fusillade762: Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.


Fusillade, you are by far my favorite farker.
 
2014-01-13 01:41:35 AM
I once fingered a girl with blue cheese crumbles. At least I hope that's what that was.
 
2014-01-13 01:41:53 AM

Suckmaster Burstingfoam: Wait, it's ILLEGAL to ask a woman to jerk you off with a slice of Swiss cheese? They really needed to call in the Special Victims Unit?

/would prefer Major Case so we could see how Vincent d'Onofrio handles it


If it's anything like the way he handled Jeriko One, this masturbator is in deep shiat.

quatchi: Now that the cheese dick masturbater manhunt has been called off thousand of young  Philly residences can return to their eating-cheetos-while-masturbating-to-internet-porn lifestyles without being afraid of being taken into custody in a case of mistaken identity.


Are we sure this whole thing didn't blow up because he was using Swiss cheese rather than the local cheese variety?
 
2014-01-13 01:42:48 AM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: I once fingered a girl with blue cheese  waffle crumbles. At least I hope that's what that was.


Fixed that for you.


Ewwwww!
 
2014-01-13 01:43:13 AM
Meanwhile, anyone that's purchased swiss cheese in Philadelphia while this has been going on has been put on a list.
 
2014-01-13 01:45:10 AM

hardinparamedic: Benevolent Misanthrope: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.

I don't think I could do anything but laugh in his face.

There's no way I could take this guy seriously.

The conversation about mental health in the US though...


Indeed, that always say not enough beds or something, sigh.
 
2014-01-13 01:49:25 AM

cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

~

FTA: "Philadelphia's Special Victims Unit is investigating."

Jesus Christ.
 
2014-01-13 01:51:04 AM

fusillade762: Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.



Aaaand we're done here. Kill the lights on the way out, would you?
 
2014-01-13 01:54:02 AM

Apos: fusillade762: Rob Ford really has hit rock bottom.


Aaaand we're done here. Kill the lights on the way out, would you?


i don't get the comparisons to rob ford. rob is an upstanding Canadian politician who has been honest with the press about his drug habits. he is not a serial masturbator, or sexual predator. he even said he gets enough pussy at home, so he need not wander the city with cheese looking for ladies.

the swiss cheese fellow on the other hand, has probably never been elected to office.
 
2014-01-13 01:55:00 AM
Whew! That's a relief.
 For a second there, I thought they had captured the Philadelphia Cream Cheese masturbator.
 
2014-01-13 01:55:25 AM
I bet his alibi will be found full of holes.
 
2014-01-13 01:56:25 AM

greendanny8: Whew! That's a relief.
 For a second there, I thought they had captured the Philadelphia Cream Cheese masturbator.


No, you'll be caught by your FARK account.
 
2014-01-13 01:57:55 AM

wildcardjack: I bet his alibi will be found full of holes.


I doubt he gives edam about that.
 
2014-01-13 02:01:08 AM
As a woman I really have gotten more disgusting things proposed to me by men, and have sometimes accepted. So he's right on that count (if you click the link to read the email he sent some lucky lady on OKCupid you'll see what I mean) but rubbing swiss cheese on some obese guys c*ck is never gonna be my thing.

/sorry :(
//Velveeta now...
 
2014-01-13 02:03:31 AM
Had to be euro cheese didnt it?
 
2014-01-13 02:16:40 AM
Is it too soon to talk about cheese control?
 
2014-01-13 02:20:12 AM
I was expecting whey more puns in this thread
 
2014-01-13 02:21:29 AM

haolegirl: Is it too soon to talk about cheese control?


Cheese doesn't masturbate at people, people with cheese masturbate at people.

/if you legislate against cheese, only the cheese-masturbators will have cheese
//you'll take away my cheese over my cold, dead, cheese-smothered body
 
2014-01-13 02:29:09 AM
Okay I am going to totally gross myself out and wonder what he does with the cheese after the masturbation?
 
2014-01-13 02:29:57 AM
s28.postimg.org
 
2014-01-13 02:33:36 AM

gweilo8888: haolegirl: Is it too soon to talk about cheese control?

Cheese doesn't masturbate at people, people with cheese masturbate at people.

/if you legislate against cheese, only the cheese-masturbators will have cheese
//you'll take away my cheese over my cold, dead, cheese-smothered body


Yep...too soon, or way too late. Damn.
 
2014-01-13 02:37:49 AM
This is my 1st cheese masturbator thread.

Has anyone quoted Andrew Dice Clay yet?

"Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful."

i41.tinypic.com

Every time I see a SWISS CHEESE MASTURBATOR headline I think of that quote.
 
2014-01-13 03:00:16 AM

Hector Remarkable: Our long national cheese masturbation nightmare is over. Now the healing can begin.


Or, at least, the curdling.
 
2014-01-13 03:06:56 AM

Calypsocookie: As a woman I really have gotten more disgusting things proposed to me by men, and have sometimes accepted. So he's right on that count (if you click the link to read the email he sent some lucky lady on OKCupid you'll see what I mean) but rubbing swiss cheese on some obese guys c*ck is never gonna be my thing.

/sorry :(
//Velveeta now...


How YOU doin'?
 
2014-01-13 03:21:38 AM

lasercannon: Okay I am going to totally gross myself out and wonder what he does with the cheese after the masturbation?


he eats it....but you already knew that. he takes it home and makes sammiches with it.
 
2014-01-13 03:49:09 AM
Rubbing swiss on his pecorino? What a muenster!
 
2014-01-13 03:58:56 AM
I picked the wrong week to delete my OKCupid account.  Guys like this make me look GOOD!
 
2014-01-13 04:08:23 AM
Turning Swiss cheese into cream cheese?!

I hope the police brie him in.
 
2014-01-13 04:27:17 AM

Summoner101: I was expecting whey more puns in this thread


Too many puns would just rennet into the ground.
 
2014-01-13 06:03:12 AM
The cheese masterbater wasn't curding anyone!
 
2014-01-13 06:19:26 AM
Is this what people mean when they talk about an authentic Philly cheese steak?
 
2014-01-13 06:40:00 AM
I wonder if he dismantled his Fark account also .

/GorGor ?
 
2014-01-13 07:03:33 AM

tinfoil-hat maggie: hardinparamedic: Benevolent Misanthrope: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.

This, exactly.  I would laugh so damn hard at that...  If I hadn't seen it on Fark, I would think it was some weird Internet form of Candid Camera.

I don't think I could do anything but laugh in his face.

There's no way I could take this guy seriously.

The conversation about mental health in the US though...

Indeed, that always say not enough beds or something, sigh.


You know who else liked to lock up people for the crime of being different?
 
2014-01-13 07:05:31 AM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: I once fingered a girl with blue cheese crumbles. At least I hope that's what that was.


Oh you bastard.
 
2014-01-13 07:17:48 AM
Cops had a hard time believing eyewitnesses as their statements were full of holes
 
2014-01-13 07:18:22 AM
OK, I need some clarification.  All of the stories describe him requesting that his victims "use" the cheese on him.  What move are we talking about?  The "wrap"?  A little fondue action?  Is the poor bastard going to be able to make use of one of the holes?  I need a ruling here.  Meanwhile I can't even order a turkey and swiss at the Wawa any more, since all I do is ponder over the after-taste and wonder if any component of it is him.  I need a ruling here.
 
2014-01-13 07:29:39 AM

ItchyRash: OK, I need some clarification.  All of the stories describe him requesting that his victims "use" the cheese on him.  What move are we talking about?  The "wrap"?  A little fondue action?  Is the poor bastard going to be able to make use of one of the holes?  I need a ruling here.  Meanwhile I can't even order a turkey and swiss at the Wawa any more, since all I do is ponder over the after-taste and wonder if any component of it is him.  I need a ruling here.


You should check out the message he sent on OKCupid.  Not sure if it's SFW to post inline or not, but my favorite quote from it is "So I found an object that to me best represented girls.  It happened to be dairy products, specifically cheese."
Maybe it somehow ties into the whole "getting the milk for free" analogy...
 
2014-01-13 07:31:47 AM

Big Ramifications: cryinoutloud: I'd laugh my ass off if someone did that to me. It's not even scary or anything, it's just ridiculous.
~

FTA: "Philadelphia's Special Victims Unit is investigating."

Jesus Christ.


*DONK* *DONK*
 
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