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(Gawker)   Philadelphia is searching for the swiss cheese masturbator. Why would you want to find someone like that?   (gawker.com) divider line 148
    More: Sick, masturbators, jerking, Philadelphia Daily News  
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8374 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Jan 2014 at 9:05 PM (27 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



148 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-01-11 08:40:58 PM
static2.wikia.nocookie.net

Approves
 
2014-01-11 08:46:48 PM
Wow, when dairy product goes bad it goes really bad.

/Meh, it was either that or an even worse "dick cheese" joke.
//Nothing. I got's it.
 
2014-01-11 08:50:08 PM
He should stop bothering random women with his Swiss cheese fantasy and find a professional to help him with that.  Surely Philadelphia has at least one yodelayhee ho.
 
2014-01-11 09:04:55 PM
He is currently driving around the Mayfair area of Philadelphia asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off.

Use the cheese how, exactly?

Actually, nevermind. I've decided I don't want to know.
 
2014-01-11 09:06:32 PM
I've heard "Anything with a hole" but c'mon!
/as long as it wasn't baby Swiss....
 
2014-01-11 09:08:13 PM
Philly is rabid about cheese.  John Kerry blew his chances of carrying Pennsyltucky when he stopped by Pat's Cheesesteaks in South Philly for a cheesesteak.  He was doing alright until he asked the guy at the window for swiss cheese.  At Pat's you either get Cheese Wizz on it or you don't get it.
 
2014-01-11 09:09:46 PM

miss diminutive: He is currently driving around the Mayfair area of Philadelphia asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off.

Use the cheese how, exactly?

Actually, nevermind. I've decided I don't want to know.


He should head on down to K & A (Kensington and Allegheny).  The girls down there would figure that shiat out in a New York minute.
 
2014-01-11 09:09:47 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2014-01-11 09:10:17 PM
Really? A slice? I'd expect a fair sized wedge of Jarlsberg with a hole drilled in it.
 
2014-01-11 09:10:50 PM

miss diminutive: He is currently driving around the Mayfair area of Philadelphia asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off.

Use the cheese how, exactly?

Actually, nevermind. I've decided I don't want to know.


You take a few slices and wrap it around the shaft of the erection and then slide your hand up and down while holding the cheese and the engorged phallus.
 
2014-01-11 09:10:58 PM
"That wit' Whizz, or wit'out?"
 
2014-01-11 09:12:23 PM
No whey!
 
2014-01-11 09:12:38 PM
That is strange you would think of that kind of behavior only in Pittsburgh.
 
2014-01-11 09:12:39 PM
It's 'cream cheese' now babby.
 
2014-01-11 09:12:54 PM

wildcardjack: Really? A slice? I'd expect a fair sized wedge of Jarlsberg with a hole drilled in it.


Slowly perspiring as the warmth of the friction begins to heat the block.  The smell.  It's only smells.
 
2014-01-11 09:13:13 PM
"I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."

Well at least there is some kind of twisted rationale behind it.
 
2014-01-11 09:13:34 PM
Post the picture on Jalopnik asking for an ID on the car make.

Shouldn't be too hard for them to narrow it down.
 
2014-01-11 09:13:35 PM
Wiz wit out please. Swiss is for cheese farkers.
 
2014-01-11 09:13:41 PM
i1.ytimg.com
 
2014-01-11 09:13:45 PM

miss diminutive: He is currently driving around the Mayfair area of Philadelphia asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off.

Use the cheese how, exactly?

Actually, nevermind. I've decided I don't want to know.


Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. Philly.
 
2014-01-11 09:14:38 PM
Dude, that's totally Thundergun.
 
2014-01-11 09:16:10 PM
I say put him in a cell with only one of these for company:

cdn.trendhunterstatic.com
 
2014-01-11 09:17:57 PM

berylman: "I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."

Well at least there is some kind of twisted rationale behind it.


They mention how a pale girl's boob looks white and veined like a good cheese in "American Gods."
 
2014-01-11 09:18:04 PM
Well, swiss is the sluttiest of cheeses. Look at all those great big holes it has just on display, inviting you in.

If this guy moves on to Baby Bel, though, he needs to be drawn and quartered. Perv.
 
2014-01-11 09:19:34 PM
For the love of all that is holey.
 
2014-01-11 09:20:22 PM

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: miss diminutive: He is currently driving around the Mayfair area of Philadelphia asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off.

Use the cheese how, exactly?

Actually, nevermind. I've decided I don't want to know.

You take a few slices and wrap it around the shaft of the erection and then slide your hand up and down while holding the cheese and the engorged phallus.


Dammit, he said he didn't want to know.
 
2014-01-11 09:20:36 PM
I have plans.
 
2014-01-11 09:21:14 PM
25.media.tumblr.com
 
2014-01-11 09:21:17 PM
He like his cheese like he likes his women: spread easily.
 
2014-01-11 09:22:08 PM
Drew took a trip to Philly?
 
2014-01-11 09:22:33 PM
That guy needs to cheddar a few pounds.
 
2014-01-11 09:23:27 PM
My mom got scared.

/yo homes, smell ya later
 
2014-01-11 09:24:53 PM

miss diminutive: He is currently driving around the Mayfair area of Philadelphia asking women to use the slice of cheese while jerking him off.

Use the cheese how, exactly?

Actually, nevermind. I've decided I don't want to know.


Those holes in Swiss Cheese aren't going to drill themselves.
 
2014-01-11 09:25:57 PM

berylman: "I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."

Well at least there is some kind of twisted rationale behind it.


imagizer.imageshack.us

Twisted what now?
 
2014-01-11 09:26:02 PM
I can't stop giggling over the name of the source cited in the article: Gabby Chest. For her sake, I hope that's just her stage name.
 
2014-01-11 09:27:52 PM
"You got my Cheeze Whiz, boy?"

i1.ytimg.com
 
2014-01-11 09:28:12 PM

apoptotic: I can't stop giggling over the name of the source cited in the article: Gabby Chest. For her sake, I hope that's just her stage name.


I used to work with a Romanian woman named Gabby, and she had huge tits.

/face like a balloon animal, sadly
 
2014-01-11 09:30:01 PM
They should get him together with the Thousand Island Feltcher and the Pastrami Fister.
 
2014-01-11 09:30:43 PM
At least be didn't make them Edam
 
2014-01-11 09:31:05 PM
How do you get a chunk of swiss cheese off, and what comes out?

Also, it's probably less frigid than my last girlfriend.
 
2014-01-11 09:34:48 PM
www.seriouseats.com
Approves

HaywoodJablonski: At least be didn't make them Edam


That's a Gouda pun, but I've heard cheddar.
 
2014-01-11 09:35:22 PM
Swiss Cheese Masturbator would be a really lame supervillan.

But I want it to happen.
 
2014-01-11 09:35:27 PM
Cheez Whiz. This guy's one slice short of a cheesesteak.
 
2014-01-11 09:37:43 PM

DrZiffle: They should get him together with the Thousand Island Feltcher and the Pastrami Fister.


Perverts named Reuben for 500 Alex.
 
2014-01-11 09:41:11 PM

megarian: Swiss Cheese Masturbator would be a really lame supervillan.

But I want it to happen.


I'll get you a block of cheese, get started.
 
2014-01-11 09:42:14 PM
43 posts and no "what's his Fark handle"?
 
2014-01-11 09:45:21 PM

quatchi: Wow, when dairy product goes bad it goes really bad.


static.tvtropes.org
 
2014-01-11 09:46:57 PM

tetsoushima: wildcardjack: Really? A slice? I'd expect a fair sized wedge of Jarlsberg with a hole drilled in it.

Slowly perspiring as the warmth of the friction begins to heat the block.  The smell.  It's only smells.


My hottest thing was with a woman whose feet smelled like a mild gruyère at the end of the day. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
 
2014-01-11 09:46:58 PM

You_EEEeeediot: megarian: Swiss Cheese Masturbator would be a really lame supervillan.

But I want it to happen.

I'll get you a block of cheese, get started.


I don't have a dick. How would I...

Oh. OH.

Hehe... dick-cheese-dildo.
 
2014-01-11 09:47:24 PM
At least he's being polite enough that you could masturbate him with the swiss cheese wrapped around his weiner without actually having to touch the schmuck.
 
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