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(Toronto Sun)   Shia LeBoeuf announces his retirement from public life, using a nice speech originally written by J.D. Salinger   ( ) divider line
    More: Sad, Shia Labeouf, J.D. Salinger, Blast!  
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7226 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 10 Jan 2014 at 2:59 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2014-01-10 07:54:42 PM  
"My name is Shia LeBoeuf"

- Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 07:56:53 PM  
"As god as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly"

- Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 07:57:31 PM  
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
 Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
 Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it

--Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 08:08:32 PM  

WhyKnot: EdgeRunner: EdgeRunner: Oh, oh, you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Shia LaBeouf. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, putting a fresh spin on other people's material, and he's charming.
In light of the recent attacks against Shia's artistic integrity, I am retiring from this thread. My love goes out to those who have supported me.

You guys saw this, right? Where I said I'm retiring from this thread? And my love goes out to those who have supported me?

I'm not joking around here. All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go. I'm standin' here outside your door. I hate to wake you up to say goodbye, but the dawn is breakin', it's early morn, the taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn. Already I'm so lonesome I could die.

Are you by chance leaving on a jet plane? Any idea when you will be back again?

My dear and loyal FARKers,

I must apologize to you all. Today, I have learned an immensely valuable lesson. Never, ever let Shia LaBeouf "artistically repurpose" your password.

My original submission, by those champions of truth, the writers of Family Guy, was meant to be the entirety of EdgeRunner wisdom for this thread. However, my unemployed and attention-starved roommate Shia, since learning of my password last night, has seen fit to take me down a few pegs. I fear that he may have succeeded, as quite a few of you will no doubt call this post a lie. Nevertheless, I can assure you all that the EdgeRunner you all know and love is back and in relative control of things (Shia's out of the room, transcribing the entirety of Barlett's "Familiar Quotations" onto his military application. He plans to join the Marine Core and help them finish up in Afghanistan.).

Once again, my sincerest apologies go out to all who have come to expect more from me. I'd apologize further, but I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes and I have a lot of mustard to clean off my shirt first.
2014-01-10 08:09:28 PM  

baconbeard: "My name is Shia LeBoeuf"

- Shia LeBoeuf

Hey! He stole that line from me.
2014-01-10 08:09:46 PM  
"I'm probably one of the most dangerous men in the world if I want to be. But I never wanted to be anything but me."

--Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 08:18:21 PM  
"I AM the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!"

--Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 08:18:52 PM  
"You know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces."

-Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 08:21:14 PM  
That'll do, donkey.
That'll do.

-Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 08:22:20 PM  
You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

-Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 08:23:14 PM
2014-01-10 08:25:31 PM  
"Garbage Day!!!"

-Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 08:27:50 PM  
1/10/14 - never forget.
2014-01-10 08:27:57 PM
2014-01-10 08:29:23 PM  

Nonrepeating Rotating Binary: Foxxinnia: If only I could be so rich as to retire from public life at 27.

Maybe he's planning to join the 27 Club.

/I know, he's not a 'popular musician'.

Make an exception?

There's a bunch of candidates for Club 27 from the movies this year.
2014-01-10 08:31:59 PM  
"There's never going to be something quite so satisfying as relieving yourself in the kitchen sink.  You should try it."

2014-01-10 08:51:32 PM  
"It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving!"
-shiat LeBeuf
2014-01-10 08:53:47 PM  
"So long and thanks for all the fish."

-Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 08:54:59 PM
2014-01-10 08:55:01 PM  
I'm here for the gangbang?
--Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 09:02:43 PM  
"What the fark did you just farking say about me, you little biatch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fark out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my farking words. You think you can get away with saying that shiat to me over the Internet? Think again, farker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're farking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shiat. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your farking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shiat fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're farking dead, kiddo. "

-Shia LaBoeuf
2014-01-10 09:06:39 PM  
Ain't no thang but a chicken wing (wang?)
-Shia LaBoeuf
2014-01-10 09:09:35 PM  
"I'm a Bondurant. We don't lay down for nobody."
-Shia LeBouf
2014-01-10 09:12:26 PM  
"You know, Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm Sicilian. My father was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. From growin' up with him I learned the pantomime. There are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give himself away. A guy's got seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, a guy's got seventeen. But if you know 'em like ya know your own face, they beat lie detectors all to hell. Now, what we got here is a little game of show and tell."

- Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 09:19:04 PM  
'Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend,' I shrieked, upstarting-
'Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off mydoor!'

Quoth The Beef, 'Nevermore.'
2014-01-10 09:21:51 PM  
"You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get."

- Shia Laboeuf
2014-01-10 09:24:05 PM  
"Seit 5:45 Uhr wird zurückgeschossen"

2014-01-10 09:28:18 PM  
I don't remember his speech verbatim but I thought the part where he called us all Romans and asked to borrow our ears was weird.
2014-01-10 09:28:40 PM  
"Never trust a junkie as Savoir-Faire is everywhere!"

- Shia Laboeuf
2014-01-10 09:35:01 PM  

digitalrain: Ain't no thang but a chicken wing (wang?)
-Shia LaBoeuf

How in hell are you going to recognize a legitimate holy man when you see one if you don't even know a cup of consecrated chicken soup when it's right in front of your nose?

- Shia LaBoeuf
2014-01-10 09:36:03 PM  

Mad_Radhu: "If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident."

- Shia LeBouf

That should be signed 'Shia LePouf'.

But whatever.  :-)
2014-01-10 09:37:04 PM  
"The horror!  The horror!"

- Shia LaBoeuf
2014-01-10 09:39:42 PM  

Ishkur: Holy crap.

Shia LeBeouf must be the most quotable motherfarker in human history. It's so sad that he's retiring.

"No one wants advice, only corroboration"

- Shia LaBoeuf
2014-01-10 09:46:43 PM  
"I fooled you, I fooled you. I got pig iron. I got pig iron. I got all pig iron."

-- Shia LaBeouf
2014-01-10 09:48:38 PM  

FuryOfFirestorm: I suspect he's just trolling everyone now.

I think he's taking career advice from Joaquin Phoenix. How's that working out for you, Joaquin?

"You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. "

--Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 09:48:44 PM  
That was the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling disjointed apology did I hear anything even remotely approaching a rationale thought. Everone in this thread is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 10:06:35 PM  
"Hey Peter!  I can see your house from here!"

Shia LaBeouf
2014-01-10 10:07:16 PM  

cryinoutloud: FuryOfFirestorm: I suspect he's just trolling everyone now.

I think he's taking career advice from Joaquin Phoenix. How's that working out for you, Joaquin?

He was nominated for an Oscar last year for Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master and is expected to be nominated again for his highly-acclaimed performance in Spike Jonze's Her.
2014-01-10 10:08:31 PM  

gunga galunga: He was nominated for an Oscar last year for Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master and is expected to be nominated again for his highly-acclaimed performance in Spike Jonze's Her.

I know; I just don't like him after his little "I've gone crazy" stunt.
2014-01-10 10:21:13 PM  
"You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little farked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to farkin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? "

- Shia LaBeouf
2014-01-10 10:38:52 PM  
"Arbeit macht Frei."

-Shia DasBoeuf
2014-01-10 10:43:17 PM  
"In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit"

-Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 10:45:21 PM  
"It ain't the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!"

Shyeah Labeououf
2014-01-10 10:50:12 PM  

cryinoutloud: gunga galunga: He was nominated for an Oscar last year for Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master and is expected to be nominated again for his highly-acclaimed performance in Spike Jonze's Her.

I know; I just don't like him after his little "I've gone crazy" stunt.

That was performance art!  Philistine!

/cannot stand people justifying stupidity as "performance art."
2014-01-10 11:03:24 PM  

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks, 
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge, 
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs 
And towards our distant rest began to trudge. 
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots 
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind; 
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.
Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! - An ecstasy of fumbling, 
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time; 
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling, 
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . . 
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light, 
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning. 
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight, 
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning. 
If in some smothering dreams you too could pace 
Behind the wagon that we flung him in, 
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face, 
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin; 
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood 
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs, 
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, 
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory, 
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est 
Pro patria mori.
--  Wilfred Owen Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 11:04:31 PM  
I read books and draw life from the eye.  All my life is drawings from the eye.
   -- Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 11:04:31 PM  
"biatch set me up."

- Shia LeBeouf
2014-01-10 11:08:02 PM  
"Get to the chopah!"

-Shia BeefCurtains
2014-01-10 11:21:23 PM  
"Excuse me for imposing. But I am the ocean."

-Shia LeBoeuf
2014-01-10 11:37:53 PM  
"Mama, I want hot dogs for dinner. Mama, I want hot dogs!"

-Shia LeBeouf
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