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(Gizmodo)   Attention aliens: Be afraid, be very afraid   (sploid.gizmodo.com) divider line 62
    More: Amusing  
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5739 clicks; posted to Geek » on 09 Jan 2014 at 11:33 PM (32 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-09 11:26:21 PM
Humans are methicillin-resistant staphylococcus of the Milky Way.
 
2014-01-09 11:36:23 PM
It wasn't humans, but it was probably humans.
 
2014-01-09 11:43:29 PM
i.imgflip.com
 
2014-01-09 11:45:43 PM
Humans eat other organisms for sustenance! The horror! What kind of life form would do that!?
 
2014-01-09 11:47:08 PM
We will eat you.
 
2014-01-09 11:49:06 PM

Wool E Mammoth: We will eat you.


And then have sexual intercourse with pieces of your internal organs wrapped around their sexual organs in order to prevent further creation of competition aka, more humans
 
2014-01-09 11:49:57 PM
Two thirds of the biomass of the planet consists of parasites.  That includes all of Wall Street and most of the upper East Side.  That's the part of any planet you have to watch out for.
 
2014-01-09 11:50:40 PM
I came to the video wanting to like it, I enjoy when sci-fi cliches are turned on their heads and the general idea of humans being presented as scary badasses instead of backwater bumpkins appealed to me.

Then the video started talking about survival of the fittest as a purely Terran mechanism.  Apparently all other species in the galaxy evolved by getting together and singing Kumbayah.
 
2014-01-09 11:51:40 PM
 
2014-01-09 11:54:44 PM
What happened to mostly harmless?
 
2014-01-09 11:55:50 PM

AbiNormal: What happened to mostly harmless?


We ate the guy who wrote that
 
2014-01-09 11:56:34 PM
Well duh. We have The Doctor on our side.
 
2014-01-09 11:58:25 PM

the opposite of charity is justice: I came to the video wanting to like it, I enjoy when sci-fi cliches are turned on their heads and the general idea of humans being presented as scary badasses instead of backwater bumpkins appealed to me.

Then the video started talking about survival of the fittest as a purely Terran mechanism.  Apparently all other species in the galaxy evolved by getting together and singing Kumbayah.


The narrator implied that the state of life on Earth was wholly different to the degree that even our micro organisms were supremely lethal in comparison to other comparable organisms the audience was meant to be familiar with. I guess in a science fiction sense, it's entirely plausible other biological organisms function differently. Nonbiological life doesn't need to evolve necessarily either.
 
2014-01-10 12:01:46 AM
I think it's been covered before...

d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net

Mankind as a scourge has been done before. Niven did his contribution as well with The Green Plague. He also covered humanity as being the meanest, toughest, most potentially lethal species in the galaxy in his Known Space books, with humanity--and all primates in fact--descended from Pak breeders who were marooned on Earth and when finally exposed to the Tree of Life, human Protectors turn not JUST into super smart, and incredibly ruthless critters with enhanced musculature and beaks--Niven fiddled around with the idea that all the symptoms of old age were in fact our bodies getting ready for the change into Protectors, and failing to do so, meant we failed our purpose--but since homo sapiens aren't the homo habilis that the Pak Breeders were, and we have mutated a fair bit with our increased brain cases, human Protectors are a lot smarter than the original breedstock. And with that increase in intelligence, that much more dangerous to pretty much every dang species in the galaxy.

With Friends Like These by Alan Dean Foster toyed with the idea of humans being quarantined from the rest of the galaxy, until we were needed to fight off a dangerous species.

It's not a new idea. There are a ton of stories where humans become the Janissaries to alien civilizations that want to use our aggressive tendencies to act as brute squads, and then, of course, we turn on our captors. I rather like Niven's Known Space stories, where even the rat-cat Kzin learn to respect humanity just being crazy and mean enough to defeat them again and again and again in war, and even after we dang near chemically neuter ourselves from violence by turning our space drives into searing beams of hot death because we're just that good at being scared, honorless monkeys. And the human Pak Protectors are just terrifying in scope, and worse, have a self deprecating sense of humor about the dang thing, when faced with fleets of Pak desperately trying to escape the galaxy core explosion and getting played by human Protectors.
 
2014-01-10 12:02:09 AM
Well, that was stupid.
 
2014-01-10 12:16:20 AM
Load up them metal boxes and blast them off the planet, we find a oxygen rich world, it's ours... and we'll eat everything on it!
 
2014-01-10 12:16:47 AM

KellyX: Load up them metal boxes and blast them off the planet, we find a oxygen rich world, it's ours... and we'll eat everything on it!


What we don't eat we'll fornicate with
 
2014-01-10 12:18:48 AM

hubiestubert: With Friends Like These by Alan Dean Foster toyed with the idea of humans being quarantined from the rest of the galaxy, until we were needed to fight off a dangerous species.


I wonder if that was related to his Damned Trilogy.  Those there the books I remember.
 
2014-01-10 12:18:57 AM

hubiestubert: I think it's been covered before...

[d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net image 310x475]

Mankind as a scourge has been done before. Niven did his contribution as well with The Green Plague. He also covered humanity as being the meanest, toughest, most potentially lethal species in the galaxy in his Known Space books, with humanity--and all primates in fact--descended from Pak breeders who were marooned on Earth and when finally exposed to the Tree of Life, human Protectors turn not JUST into super smart, and incredibly ruthless critters with enhanced musculature and beaks--Niven fiddled around with the idea that all the symptoms of old age were in fact our bodies getting ready for the change into Protectors, and failing to do so, meant we failed our purpose--but since homo sapiens aren't the homo habilis that the Pak Breeders were, and we have mutated a fair bit with our increased brain cases, human Protectors are a lot smarter than the original breedstock. And with that increase in intelligence, that much more dangerous to pretty much every dang species in the galaxy.

With Friends Like These by Alan Dean Foster toyed with the idea of humans being quarantined from the rest of the galaxy, until we were needed to fight off a dangerous species.

It's not a new idea. There are a ton of stories where humans become the Janissaries to alien civilizations that want to use our aggressive tendencies to act as brute squads, and then, of course, we turn on our captors. I rather like Niven's Known Space stories, where even the rat-cat Kzin learn to respect humanity just being crazy and mean enough to defeat them again and again and again in war, and even after we dang near chemically neuter ourselves from violence by turning our space drives into searing beams of hot death because we're just that good at being scared, honorless monkeys. And the human Pak Protectors are just terrifying in scope, and worse, have a self deprecating sense of humor about the dang thing, when faced with f ...


I don't care for Harry Turtledove as a novelist, but he did write one good short story: The Road Not Taken. In  short;the only things that the aliens have that's superior to our stuff is anti-gravity tech/space travel....their military tech isn't much better than what people in the 1500's had...

We quickly overwhelm their expeditionary force, take their ships, and figure out how they work....
 
2014-01-10 12:22:43 AM

Smeggy Smurf: KellyX: Load up them metal boxes and blast them off the planet, we find a oxygen rich world, it's ours... and we'll eat everything on it!

What we don't eat we'll fornicate with



"Good times."

thedalaillama.files.wordpress.com

 
2014-01-10 12:23:29 AM

hubiestubert: I think it's been covered before...


Try "Infected" followed by "Contagious".  The writing wasn't great (especially the first book) but the premise was sphincter clenching.
 
2014-01-10 12:23:36 AM

Smeggy Smurf: KellyX: Load up them metal boxes and blast them off the planet, we find a oxygen rich world, it's ours... and we'll eat everything on it!

What we don't eat we'll fornicate with


Or we'll fornicate with it and then eat it! And if it's anything like bacon, all bets are off!
 
2014-01-10 12:28:35 AM
Pretty terrible. Having a Brit accent doesn't make everything funny, ya berk.

/Brit
 
2014-01-10 12:30:04 AM

ArmednHammered: Smeggy Smurf: KellyX: Load up them metal boxes and blast them off the planet, we find a oxygen rich world, it's ours... and we'll eat everything on it!

What we don't eat we'll fornicate with

Or we'll fornicate with it and then eat it! And if it's anything like bacon, all bets are off!


God help them if the aliens have sexual organs.  The weirdos will go all genocide on their ass just to eat the powdered alien penis
 
2014-01-10 12:36:49 AM
I don't know nothing about that
I DO know that them aliens better not look like chickens,,,
Because THAT would be bad
 
2014-01-10 12:38:23 AM

tinyarena: I don't know nothing about that
I DO know that them aliens better not look like chickens,,,
Because THAT would be bad


Hey, keep farking that alien chicken

Yeah, that's not right
 
2014-01-10 12:42:44 AM
Was expecting something funny, but that was pretty dumb.
 
2014-01-10 12:45:02 AM

Forbidden Doughnut: I don't care for Harry Turtledove as a novelist, but he did write one good short story: The Road Not Taken. In  short;the only things that the aliens have that's superior to our stuff is anti-gravity tech/space travel....their military tech isn't much better than what people in the 1500's had...

We quickly overwhelm their expeditionary force, take their ships, and figure out how they work....


Which is oddly close to how the Kzin got their tech. Then again, Turtledove isn't exactly shy about borrowing from other folks for premises...
 
2014-01-10 12:49:17 AM
Aliens should especially fear white Americans. Like me, British on my father's side and German on my mother's, filtered through a couple hundred years of Appalachia. We'll make meatloaf from your mother and dump hot sauce on it.

Consider that my people found a place where most of the original inhabitants had already died of disease or moved (or been chased) away and decided to build homes there and live a simple life that had no need of slaves. In fact West Virginia seceded from the Confederacy because killing and dying for some rich flatlanders' "property rights" was just a bit much. And we don't like being bothered by outsiders from anywhere; and so far we haven't bothered others much. So far.

As I see it "hillbillies" could be the Alawites of the galaxy, exchanging our inbred backwardness for the dignity of despotism. Give us power or give us death!

(Let me guess, this won't sell in Peoria.)
 
2014-01-10 02:14:07 AM

Forbidden Doughnut: I don't care for Harry Turtledove as a novelist, but he did write one good short story: The Road Not Taken. In short;the only things that the aliens have that's superior to our stuff is anti-gravity tech/space travel....their military tech isn't much better than what people in the 1500's had...

We quickly overwhelm their expeditionary force, take their ships, and figure out how they work....


I came into the comments to post something about that short story. The idea of invaders from space fighting with muskets and grenades they had to light fuses on really stuck with me.
 
2014-01-10 02:24:37 AM
One of my favorite science fiction short stories is told from the perspective of an alien invader. It lands on Earth in the middle of a forest, exits its craft armed to the teeth with ridiculously advanced alien weaponry, and goes off tracing the nearest wireless signals to get to a human civilization to conquer and destroy.

When it gets there, it gets eaten by a stray cat in someone's backyard, because it turns out it was only like 2 inches tall the entire time.
 
2014-01-10 02:49:21 AM

HotWingAgenda: One of my favorite science fiction short stories is told from the perspective of an alien invader. It lands on Earth in the middle of a forest, exits its craft armed to the teeth with ridiculously advanced alien weaponry, and goes off tracing the nearest wireless signals to get to a human civilization to conquer and destroy.

When it gets there, it gets eaten by a stray cat in someone's backyard, because it turns out it was only like 2 inches tall the entire time.


Douglas Adams went there too:

"After millennia of battle the surviving G'Gugvuntt and Vl'hurg realised what had actually happened, and joined forces to attack the Milky Way in retaliation. They crossed vast reaches of space in a journey lasting thousands of years before reaching their target where they attacked the first planet they encountered, Earth. Due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was swallowed by a small dog. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states that this sort of thing happens all the time."
 
2014-01-10 02:50:04 AM
pyxis.homestead.com
 
2014-01-10 02:57:56 AM
If the universe is 13.7 billion years old and aliens developed only 0.01% slower or faster than us, then they will be over a million years behind us or ahead of us in development. It is safe to say that we will not encounter any technologically similar aliens ever.
 
2014-01-10 03:01:43 AM
The lower level alien civilizations (like we humans) can't see each other yet. Once we can travel near the speed of light we obtain enlightenment or have to wait billions of years. Which would be like turning 90 and finally seeing boobies for the first time.
 
2014-01-10 03:17:07 AM
images3.cinema.de
 
2014-01-10 03:19:58 AM
i1.kym-cdn.com
 
2014-01-10 03:28:01 AM
we mustl make sure that every ship is equipped with a state of the art probulator!

th00.deviantart.net
 
2014-01-10 03:28:13 AM
I heard someone say once, perhaps here, that a possible reason we haven't been visited or contacted is because you tend to avoid the nutjob with the weapons pointing at his own home.

/Do we even really have weapons in space? Seems like there's some sort of treaty or something, maybe not.
//Still an amusing idea
///Also, I suppose massive numbers of ICBM's with nuclear warheads would count just as much as anything floating in LEO
 
2014-01-10 03:31:40 AM

KellyX: Load up them metal boxes and blast them off the planet, we find a oxygen rich world, it's ours... and we'll eat everything on it!


i once ate a car.
 
2014-01-10 03:48:04 AM
Warhammer 40,000.
 
2014-01-10 03:52:08 AM
tomdohm.files.wordpress.com
 
2014-01-10 05:50:25 AM

hubiestubert: I think it's been covered before...

[d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net image 310x475]

Mankind as a scourge has been done before. Niven did his contribution as well with The Green Plague. He also covered humanity as being the meanest, toughest, most potentially lethal species in the galaxy in his Known Space books, with humanity--and all primates in fact--descended from Pak breeders who were marooned on Earth and when finally exposed to the Tree of Life, human Protectors turn not JUST into super smart, and incredibly ruthless critters with enhanced musculature and beaks--Niven fiddled around with the idea that all the symptoms of old age were in fact our bodies getting ready for the change into Protectors, and failing to do so, meant we failed our purpose--but since homo sapiens aren't the homo habilis that the Pak Breeders were, and we have mutated a fair bit with our increased brain cases, human Protectors are a lot smarter than the original breedstock. And with that increase in intelligence, that much more dangerous to pretty much every dang species in the galaxy.

With Friends Like These by Alan Dean Foster toyed with the idea of humans being quarantined from the rest of the galaxy, until we were needed to fight off a dangerous species.

It's not a new idea. There are a ton of stories where humans become the Janissaries to alien civilizations that want to use our aggressive tendencies to act as brute squads, and then, of course, we turn on our captors. I rather like Niven's Known Space stories, where even the rat-cat Kzin learn to respect humanity just being crazy and mean enough to defeat them again and again and again in war, and even after we dang near chemically neuter ourselves from violence by turning our space drives into searing beams of hot death because we're just that good at being scared, honorless monkeys. And the human Pak Protectors are just terrifying in scope, and worse, have a self deprecating sense of humor about the dang thing, when faced with f ...


Some of those Pak had the human luck gene and so were therefore pretty much unbeatable. wish he'd knock out some more Known Space stuff I loved it.
 
2014-01-10 06:03:47 AM
scienceplusfiction.spin.it

Don't end up dying of a human disease like these poor fools.  Steer clear of Earth, alien friends!
 
2014-01-10 07:37:04 AM

LewDux: [images3.cinema.de image 800x523]


Ah, yes. This movie taught me the wonders of flanking.
 
2014-01-10 07:44:57 AM
i.chzbgr.com
 
2014-01-10 07:55:40 AM

the opposite of charity is justice: I came to the video wanting to like it, I enjoy when sci-fi cliches are turned on their heads and the general idea of humans being presented as scary badasses instead of backwater bumpkins appealed to me.

Then the video started talking about survival of the fittest as a purely Terran mechanism.  Apparently all other species in the galaxy evolved by getting together and singing Kumbayah.


Yeah, especially since survival of the fittest also pretty much applies to prebiological chemical components too.  There are all sorts of potential self replicating molecules with a potentially high complexity like DNA or RNA which could be used for the same purpose.  Some might take more energy to be able to split before replication, some might take less energy, some are more prone to replication errors, some less prone, etc..  In a different environment, one with less energy being dumped into it, DNA wouldn't be able to be easily split for replication, while a more fragile polymer would be able to dominate, which would otherwise simply disassociate into its constituent atoms or stable molecules in our environment.  An environment with too much energy and DNA is the one breaking apart, while more robust and tightly bound polymers would be capable of dominating which in our environment would be nearly incapable of splitting and self replication.
 
2014-01-10 07:58:07 AM
this was the premise of a short story I read decades ago
Can't remember the name of the collection of stories or even the name of the short story or the author
I think the short story was either *Don't touch, Human or Danger Human*

The premise was aliens capture a human male and tell him how their ancient myths say humans are the most dangerous species in the universe but the myths are so old and from cycles of rise and falls of civilizations ago that the reason why humans are so dangerous is forgotten.

So they're going to study him to find out why.
They keep him for years - decades, he tries to kill himself they bring him back and make him immortal.
He goes insane, click, they make him sane.
This goes on for a long time until he pulls off an impossible escape in one of their most advanced ships.

A leader dresses down the alien scientist saying they've made an immortal human thats really pissed off at non-humans and he has some of their most advanced technology.

I think they boosted his intellect also

It was a funny as hell

Anyway that's how it ended
 
2014-01-10 07:59:55 AM

hubiestubert: I think it's been covered before...



Mankind as a scourge has been done before. Niven did his contribution as well with The Green Plague. He also covered humanity as being the meanest, toughest, most potentially lethal species in the galaxy in his Known Space books, with humanity--and all primates in fact--descended from Pak breeders who were marooned on Earth and when finally exposed to the Tree of Life, human Protectors turn not JUST into super smart, and incredibly ruthless critters with enhanced musculature and beaks--Niven fiddled around with the idea that all the symptoms of old age were in fact our bodies getting ready for the change into Protectors, and failing to do so, meant we failed our purpose--but since homo sapiens aren't the homo habilis that the Pak Breeders were, and we have mutated a fair bit with our increased brain cases, human Protectors are a lot smarter than the original breedstock. And with that increase in intelligence, that much more dangerous to pretty much every dang species in the galaxy.

With Friends Like These by Alan Dean Foster toyed with the idea of humans being quarantined from the rest of the galaxy, until we were needed to fight off a dangerous species.

It's not a new idea. There are a ton of stories where humans become the Janissaries to alien civilizations that want to use our aggressive tendencies to act as brute squads, and then, of course, we turn on our captors. I rather like Niven's Known Space stories, where even the rat-cat Kzin learn to respect humanity just being crazy and mean enough to defeat them again and again and again in war, and even after we dang near chemically neuter ourselves from violence by turning our space drives into searing beams of hot death because we're just that good at being scared, honorless monkeys. And the human Pak Protectors are just terrifying in scope, and worse, have a self deprecating sense of humor about the dang thing, when faced with fleets of Pak desperately trying to escape the galaxy core explosion and getting played by human Protectors.


Was gonna add the damned trilogy also by Alan Dean Foster.

A centuries long battle between two huge multi-species alliances has the tide turned by the discovery of humans. Lots of nuances I really enjoyed;

The idea of of killing other sentient beings is necessary but morally repugnant to other beings, not us though. We revelled in violence and warfare.

They are amusing books.
 
2014-01-10 08:00:36 AM

JasonOfOrillia: hubiestubert: With Friends Like These by Alan Dean Foster toyed with the idea of humans being quarantined from the rest of the galaxy, until we were needed to fight off a dangerous species.

I wonder if that was related to his Damned Trilogy.  Those there the books I remember.


*facepalm* always read the thread first, c'mon!!
 
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