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(Slate)   So now same sex marriage "endorses masturbation", maybe I signed up for the wrong team?   (slate.com) divider line 43
    More: Asinine, opponents of same-sex marriage, Utah, racial segregations, Articles of Confederation, President Dwight Eisenhower, homophobia, uprising, George Wallace  
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3439 clicks; posted to Politics » on 09 Jan 2014 at 8:34 PM (41 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2014-01-09 10:01:45 PM  
11 votes:
I used to date this guy that loved hand jobs.  It was kind of bizarre, it was like he'd rather get a hand job than anything else.  I mean, I know my way around a dick, so I was happy to oblige, but it was a little creepy.  I mostly just did it and then acted like it was the best thing since white chocolate fudge.

There were times he'd beg for it -- in a car, in a van, in the bathroom on the can, in a bar, in a tree, in an art gallery.  But that wasn't the weirdest thing.  Dude had some weird aversion to his homosexuality, so despite my beard, manly shape, deep voice, hard dick and my lack of tits, he insisted on referring to me as his girlfriend.  Anyway, I completely forgot where this was going, except to say, I'm a homosexual and I endorse masturbation, be it mutual or otherwise.
2014-01-09 06:01:37 PM  
11 votes:
Being able to reach your junk endorses masturbation
2014-01-09 07:19:06 PM  
9 votes:
Man I dated a woman in college who was fascinated with giving handjobs.  Loved giving them more than having sex, I think.  She took it as a point of personal pride every time I came, like it was a gold star for her doing well on an assignment.  And she would dole them out anywhere - in the back of a van on a road trip, our elevator, single-use restrooms, at a game under a coat - anywhere. We broke up after a few months, and when I went back to, uh, self-service, I really disappointed myself.

Unfortunately, she's the only woman I've ever met who had a thing about it.

/I've completely forgotten what my point was.
2014-01-09 06:16:34 PM  
9 votes:

ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha: Being able to reach your junk endorses masturbation


global3.memecdn.com
2014-01-09 09:17:48 PM  
8 votes:
img.fark.net
2014-01-09 06:41:21 PM  
8 votes:
I thought marriage (in general) led to masturbation.
2014-01-09 06:31:33 PM  
8 votes:
Aye... there's the rub
2014-01-09 10:47:38 PM  
6 votes:
I'm convinced that 99% of the people who get really worked up over other people's sex lives (or who they choose to have sex with) are really just having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone is having more sex than them.

i2.photobucket.com

Does everybody else... get that feeling?
2014-01-09 07:14:20 PM  
6 votes:
Minister:  "Do you, Fred, take Bill to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Fred:  "I do."

Minister:  "Do you, Bill, take Fred to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Bill:  "I do...but let me add this..." [turns to the assembled congregation]  "Friends, do you suffer from tension?  irritability?  ennui?  Try masturbation, now in giant economy size!  It's SWELL!  I do it every day!"  *wink*

Minister:  "I now pronounce you husband and husband.  This gay marriage has been brought to you by masturbation--endorsed by Bill!  Try it today!" *sotto voce* "Results may vary.  Not responsible for blindness or hairy palms."
2014-01-09 07:47:50 PM  
4 votes:

TuteTibiImperes: Remember that whole kerfuffle back in the Clinton administration when Madeleine Albright suggested that teaching about masturbation during sex ed


i.imgur.com

That's wasn't Secretary of State Albright. In fact, if she had discussed masturbation that would have caused most teen boners to wilt. I think you mean Dr. Joycelyn Elders, his nominee for Surgeon General.
2014-01-09 07:28:33 PM  
4 votes:

edmo: ArcadianRefugee: [1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?

Mormons absolutely freak about masturbation. It's not allowed. They counsel their youth about it constantly, even giving them stupid advice  like "don't look at yourself." Your local stake Bishop will quiz you twice  a year about whether you been masturbating. I don't   know what happens once they get married.

But that's where the sign comes from.


OK... I still don't get the chain of logic, though. Two guys marrying one another encourages other people to jack off? Huh?

/"Come again?"
2014-01-09 06:20:14 PM  
4 votes:

ArcadianRefugee: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha: Being able to reach your junk endorses masturbation

[global3.memecdn.com image 480x332]


The T-Rex is terrifying enough that it could have coerced smaller dinosaurs into giving it handies at will. Which is pretty funny to imagine, so I guess your graphic is correct after all.
2014-01-09 06:01:01 PM  
4 votes:
www.slate.com

No, really, I'm curious about the chain of logic here.

[1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?

Now, assuming that [1] is true

[2] Protect the children.
a) o_O

"Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation, which endangers children."


That's some serious potato logic there.
2014-01-09 09:24:13 PM  
3 votes:

Cagey B: ArcadianRefugee: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha: Being able to reach your junk endorses masturbation

[global3.memecdn.com image 480x332]

The T-Rex is terrifying enough that it could have coerced smaller dinosaurs into giving it handies at will. Which is pretty funny to imagine, so I guess your graphic is correct after all.


i7.photobucket.com
2014-01-09 08:57:12 PM  
3 votes:

netizencain: Wow, let's all comment about some shiat from 2006!


I'm sorry you only discovered masturbation 7 years ago.
2014-01-09 06:29:44 PM  
3 votes:
i1214.photobucket.com
2014-01-09 10:22:46 PM  
2 votes:
Same sex marriage endorses masturbation;  traditional marriage requires it.

Big farkin deal.
2014-01-09 10:04:51 PM  
2 votes:
Though this is probably more accurate...

i.imgur.com
2014-01-09 09:54:25 PM  
2 votes:
i.imgur.com
2014-01-09 09:44:30 PM  
2 votes:
He's probably dead now. Spontaneously combusted from the friction of life.

i.imgur.com

/ quit thinking of the children, you perv.
2014-01-09 09:06:51 PM  
2 votes:
www.slate.com

Dear Sir,

You have just become an internet meme.

Congratulations!

Yours truly,
Everyone
2014-01-09 09:04:24 PM  
2 votes:
Ruh? (possible nsfw)
2014-01-09 08:54:26 PM  
2 votes:
Came for this image, and turns out I had to do it myself...

i.huffpost.com
2014-01-09 08:54:13 PM  
2 votes:

Lsherm: Man I dated a woman in college who was fascinated with giving handjobs.  Loved giving them more than having sex, I think.  She took it as a point of personal pride every time I came, like it was a gold star for her doing well on an assignment.  And she would dole them out anywhere - in the back of a van on a road trip, our elevator, single-use restrooms, at a game under a coat - anywhere. We broke up after a few months, and when I went back to, uh, self-service, I really disappointed myself.

Unfortunately, she's the only woman I've ever met who had a thing about it.

/I've completely forgotten what my point was.


First time I've come across that term.  At first, I thought "How wasteful."
Ant
2014-01-09 08:51:56 PM  
2 votes:
If your form of masturbation actually does endanger children, please stop right now. You might be doing it wrong.
2014-01-09 08:48:37 PM  
2 votes:

ArcadianRefugee: [www.slate.com image 590x421]

No, really, I'm curious about the chain of logic here.

[1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?

Now, assuming that [1] is true

[2] Protect the children.
a) o_O

"Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation, which endangers children."


That's some serious potato logic there.


Possible line of reasoning:
twistedphysics.typepad.com
2014-01-09 07:37:44 PM  
2 votes:
It's history.

Hundreds of years ago in order to curb the behaviour of homosexuality led to flogging.  Lots and lots of flogging.  Flogging all day.  Flogging all night.
2014-01-10 12:48:04 PM  
1 votes:
i1214.photobucket.com
2014-01-10 04:14:18 AM  
1 votes:
Look it's really very simple. Everyone knows that women don't want to put out after they are married, unless it's to make babies. In gay couples, one of them is the woman. Naturally the gay man-woman will stop putting out once they are married, and since gays can't even make babies, they won't even be having sex for procreation, which will lead to masturbation in the oversexed male 'man' half of the gay dudebro couples. They are used to having filthy hot fetish sex with random strangers in bars and truckstops and bathrooms so once they get married if their spouse cuts them off they'll be masturbating up a blizzard. And no one cares about lesbians. I think that covers everything?
2014-01-10 01:31:10 AM  
1 votes:

vernonFL: What is wrong with masturbation?


Masturbation is a sin because it is generally linked to the commandment of Thou Shalt Not Covet.
One protects children from sinning and eternal damnation if you can keep them from masturbating. (Good luck with that.)

And then Christians took the story of Onan to ridiculous heights of speculative doctrine.
2014-01-10 12:50:52 AM  
1 votes:

Lsherm: Man I dated a woman in college who was fascinated with giving handjobs.  Loved giving them more than having sex, I think.  She took it as a point of personal pride every time I came, like it was a gold star for her doing well on an assignment.  And she would dole them out anywhere - in the back of a van on a road trip, our elevator, single-use restrooms, at a game under a coat - anywhere. We broke up after a few months, and when I went back to, uh, self-service, I really disappointed myself.

Unfortunately, she's the only woman I've ever met who had a thing about it.

/I've completely forgotten what my point was.


Maybe she really took the phrase "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" to heart.
2014-01-09 11:55:11 PM  
1 votes:
I endorse masturbation, gay marriage, straight marriage, and Five Guys burgers.

After this past week, I no longer endorse United Airlines.
2014-01-09 11:44:50 PM  
1 votes:

NateAsbestos: MaudlinMutantMollusk: [img.fark.net image 590x421]

Nobody else said it so, kudos, that is perfect.


heh... thanks, man
2014-01-09 11:26:59 PM  
1 votes:

Q&D

imageshack.com



He looked too sad.
2014-01-09 10:27:11 PM  
1 votes:
I guess I have been supporting gay marriage since the age of 12.
2014-01-09 10:07:36 PM  
1 votes:

ArcadianRefugee: No, really, I'm curious about the chain of logic here.

[1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?

Now, assuming that [1] is true

[2] Protect the children.
a) o_O

"Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation, which endangers children."


That's some serious potato logic there.


I think I've got it.

Marriage leads to reduced sex. Which encourages masturbation. Which could lead to Carpal-Tunnel. Which could lead to driving accidents. Which could harm children.
2014-01-09 09:38:38 PM  
1 votes:
i1284.photobucket.com

You been playin' with yourself again, Banjo?

2014-01-09 09:25:29 PM  
1 votes:
Just study it out.

Gays= bad, right? Almost everyone knows that, it's why only around ten percent of us are silly enough to choose to be that way (and they'll change if they can see that sweet sign I made about how evil they are). I think they usually choose at around 15. 14? I don't know, I think they get something in the mail. My daughter started spontaneously getting American Girl catalogues when she turned seven... I'm pretty sure it's like that.

But that's beside the point. Ok, why are gays bad? Can anyone tell me, class? It's not the 'entering the pooper' thing or the 'puttin' tongues and fingers and other stuff (maybe your abs if you're in great shape and know what you're doing) in va'jayjays instead of good ol' lumberdicks' deal. All those maneuvers are awesome if you have one man and one woman. Or, you know, one guy and two girls. Or one girl and a few guys but they're really open-minded and the guys don't touch each other. You know what I mean.

It's bad with the gays, and it's bad because - stay with me here - they risk a super-sin. Take vanity, lust and pride... throw them all together and what do you get? Attraction to your own junk. And that's the real problem, folks. The Gays™ aren't about doing one another, they're about doing themselves. Ask any gay guy or gal (they love it when you call them that) and they'll tell you - all they really want to be doing is making sweet love to themselves. That's why all gay couples look like identical twins. Every single one.

Do you get it now? Gays are only bad because they secretly want their own bodies. Masturbation is the real monster. Self-love is a total sin because a dude a few thousand years ago named Onand was totally freaked out because he thought his new wife killed his brother and would kill him if he did her so he pulled out early and that was Not Cool according to the big guy upstairs who I guess only likes creampies so he wiped Onand's ass off the planet and now anyone who thinks their own body is pretty hot (read: the gays, above) risks the same treatment and good-hearted people like me who only want everyone to not get smote by a vengeful god that strongly resembles me when I watch porn get unfairly cast as being 'hateful' or 'bigoted' or 'so monumentally stupid that we affect the tides'. All we want to do is help, people.

All we want to do is help. And maybe watch a little bit. Do you gay guys really do that thing where you - oh, my. You do. You do!
2014-01-09 09:04:29 PM  
1 votes:

vernonFL: What is wrong with masturbation?


It looks too much like a dance move.
2014-01-09 08:59:07 PM  
1 votes:

edmo: ArcadianRefugee: [1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?

Mormons absolutely freak about masturbation. It's not allowed. They counsel their youth about it constantly, even giving them stupid advice  like "don't look at yourself." Your local stake Bishop will quiz you twice  a year about whether you been masturbating. I don't   know what happens once they get married.

But that's where the sign comes from.


That's...  That's farked.

So it's a common and accepted practice for adult Mormon priests to ask children if they've been masturbating?  That's even more messed up then the shiat Catholic priests have been doing.
2014-01-09 08:43:19 PM  
1 votes:
Thanks for giving credence to some senile dingdong standing on a corner with a sign.  I almost took a picture of the 300 lb. dude in the Lady Liberty costume promoting Liberty Tax Preparation and may well have if the guy didn't look like he could beat me into a fine paste for doing so.

Pick your battles and your promotions.
2014-01-09 07:49:42 PM  
1 votes:

TuteTibiImperes: at least we've come pretty far on that front.


Sheeit. I could hit my own headboard when I was a teenager in the 80's. Now that's far.
2014-01-09 07:21:54 PM  
1 votes:

ArcadianRefugee: [1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?


Mormons absolutely freak about masturbation. It's not allowed. They counsel their youth about it constantly, even giving them stupid advice  like "don't look at yourself." Your local stake Bishop will quiz you twice  a year about whether you been masturbating. I don't   know what happens once they get married.

But that's where the sign comes from.
 
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