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(Slate)   So now same sex marriage "endorses masturbation", maybe I signed up for the wrong team?   (slate.com) divider line 162
    More: Asinine, opponents of same-sex marriage, Utah, racial segregations, Articles of Confederation, President Dwight Eisenhower, homophobia, uprising, George Wallace  
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3438 clicks; posted to Politics » on 09 Jan 2014 at 8:34 PM (36 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



162 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2014-01-09 09:04:29 PM

vernonFL: What is wrong with masturbation?


It looks too much like a dance move.
 
2014-01-09 09:06:51 PM
www.slate.com

Dear Sir,

You have just become an internet meme.

Congratulations!

Yours truly,
Everyone
 
2014-01-09 09:10:30 PM

brap: Thanks for giving credence to some senile dingdong standing on a corner with a sign.  I almost took a picture of the 300 lb. dude in the Lady Liberty costume promoting Liberty Tax Preparation and may well have if the guy didn't look like he could beat me into a fine paste for doing so.

Pick your battles and your promotions.


You may need to modify your definition of "giving credence". Specifically mocking someone from the start because of their idiocy isn't "giving credence". Using your definition, ANY discussion about the people in Utah doing this would be "giving credence", so I guess the better solution is to pretend it isn't happening.

Seriously, this line of argument drives me nuts.
 
2014-01-09 09:12:29 PM
lol @ "President Christie"
 
2014-01-09 09:15:03 PM

fatassbastard: [www.slate.com image 590x421]

Dear Sir,

You have just become an internet meme.

Congratulations!

Yours truly,
Everyone


The "IT ENDORSES MASTURBATION" part seems to be an additional add-on to a pre-printed sign.  It seems like it was placed on top of something else.

/I was expecting Christine O'Donnell to say this
 
2014-01-09 09:17:43 PM

wellreadneck: Lsherm: Man I dated a woman in college who was fascinated with giving handjobs.  Loved giving them more than having sex, I think.  She took it as a point of personal pride every time I came, like it was a gold star for her doing well on an assignment.  And she would dole them out anywhere - in the back of a van on a road trip, our elevator, single-use restrooms, at a game under a coat - anywhere. We broke up after a few months, and when I went back to, uh, self-service, I really disappointed myself.

Unfortunately, she's the only woman I've ever met who had a thing about it.

/I've completely forgotten what my point was.

First time I've come across that term.  At first, I thought "How wasteful."


Well, meant for a single person, as opposed to your usual stall/urinal setup.
 
2014-01-09 09:17:48 PM
img.fark.net
 
2014-01-09 09:18:29 PM

Lsherm: Man I dated a woman in college who was fascinated with giving handjobs.  Loved giving them more than having sex, I think.  She took it as a point of personal pride every time I came, like it was a gold star for her doing well on an assignment.  And she would dole them out anywhere - in the back of a van on a road trip, our elevator, single-use restrooms, at a game under a coat - anywhere. We broke up after a few months, and when I went back to, uh, self-service, I really disappointed myself.

Unfortunately, she's the only woman I've ever met who had a thing about it.

/I've completely forgotten what my point was.


Go on.
 
2014-01-09 09:19:46 PM

djkutch: Lsherm: Man I dated a woman in college who was fascinated with giving handjobs.  Loved giving them more than having sex, I think.  She took it as a point of personal pride every time I came, like it was a gold star for her doing well on an assignment.  And she would dole them out anywhere - in the back of a van on a road trip, our elevator, single-use restrooms, at a game under a coat - anywhere. We broke up after a few months, and when I went back to, uh, self-service, I really disappointed myself.

Unfortunately, she's the only woman I've ever met who had a thing about it.

/I've completely forgotten what my point was.

You had an awesome girlfriend. What I think you are omitting is that one time you bumped into Larry Craig in an airport bathroom.


Oh fark that.  If I was into dudes, I could do better than Larry Craig.  Even in a bathroom.

And that girl was HOT.  And Mormon.  I was disappointed when we broke up.
 
2014-01-09 09:24:13 PM

Cagey B: ArcadianRefugee: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha: Being able to reach your junk endorses masturbation

[global3.memecdn.com image 480x332]

The T-Rex is terrifying enough that it could have coerced smaller dinosaurs into giving it handies at will. Which is pretty funny to imagine, so I guess your graphic is correct after all.


i7.photobucket.com
 
2014-01-09 09:25:29 PM
Just study it out.

Gays= bad, right? Almost everyone knows that, it's why only around ten percent of us are silly enough to choose to be that way (and they'll change if they can see that sweet sign I made about how evil they are). I think they usually choose at around 15. 14? I don't know, I think they get something in the mail. My daughter started spontaneously getting American Girl catalogues when she turned seven... I'm pretty sure it's like that.

But that's beside the point. Ok, why are gays bad? Can anyone tell me, class? It's not the 'entering the pooper' thing or the 'puttin' tongues and fingers and other stuff (maybe your abs if you're in great shape and know what you're doing) in va'jayjays instead of good ol' lumberdicks' deal. All those maneuvers are awesome if you have one man and one woman. Or, you know, one guy and two girls. Or one girl and a few guys but they're really open-minded and the guys don't touch each other. You know what I mean.

It's bad with the gays, and it's bad because - stay with me here - they risk a super-sin. Take vanity, lust and pride... throw them all together and what do you get? Attraction to your own junk. And that's the real problem, folks. The Gays™ aren't about doing one another, they're about doing themselves. Ask any gay guy or gal (they love it when you call them that) and they'll tell you - all they really want to be doing is making sweet love to themselves. That's why all gay couples look like identical twins. Every single one.

Do you get it now? Gays are only bad because they secretly want their own bodies. Masturbation is the real monster. Self-love is a total sin because a dude a few thousand years ago named Onand was totally freaked out because he thought his new wife killed his brother and would kill him if he did her so he pulled out early and that was Not Cool according to the big guy upstairs who I guess only likes creampies so he wiped Onand's ass off the planet and now anyone who thinks their own body is pretty hot (read: the gays, above) risks the same treatment and good-hearted people like me who only want everyone to not get smote by a vengeful god that strongly resembles me when I watch porn get unfairly cast as being 'hateful' or 'bigoted' or 'so monumentally stupid that we affect the tides'. All we want to do is help, people.

All we want to do is help. And maybe watch a little bit. Do you gay guys really do that thing where you - oh, my. You do. You do!
 
2014-01-09 09:26:21 PM

Mikey1969: Seriously, this line of argument drives me nuts.


You know what drives me nuts?

Being a gay pirate!
 
2014-01-09 09:28:55 PM
Mark Twain on masturbation (unfetchable url):
http://www.rotten.com/library/sex/masturbation/mark-twain/

You Will Die: The Burden of Modern Taboos -->
 
2014-01-09 09:35:51 PM

brap: Mikey1969: Seriously, this line of argument drives me nuts.

You know what drives me nuts?

Being a gay pirate!


Now THAT'S some funny shiat right there, I read it in my very best part voice.
 
2014-01-09 09:37:36 PM
i41.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-09 09:38:18 PM

fatassbastard: [www.slate.com image 590x421]

Dear Sir,

You have just become an internet meme.

Congratulations!

Yours truly,
Everyone


Looking at that guy, and he lives in Utah, he might not even be aware the internet exists.
 
2014-01-09 09:38:38 PM
i1284.photobucket.com

You been playin' with yourself again, Banjo?

 
2014-01-09 09:39:15 PM

Mikey1969: So you skipped this part, I see:


Yeah, I skipped it to make him sounds less alarmist. I was being charitable. People aren't getting hosed down by water cannons in the street during gay pride parades like they did trying to sit at lunch counters back in the day. Leaders like Harvey Milk aren't getting assassinated these decades. His comparison of Little Rock to Salt Lake City is a stretch, to say the least. All that happened in IA were two Supreme Court justices losing their jobs. If there have been riots and assassinations,  please correct me.
 
2014-01-09 09:43:09 PM

neongoats: Came for this image, and turns out I had to do it myself...

[i.huffpost.com image 300x219]


i.imgur.com

yeah came ....  do it yourself...
 
bav
2014-01-09 09:44:12 PM

neongoats: Came for this image, and turns out I had to do it myself..

  Turns out I had to do it myself, came for this image...

...is how masturbation usually works, but whatever works for you.
 
2014-01-09 09:44:30 PM
He's probably dead now. Spontaneously combusted from the friction of life.

i.imgur.com

/ quit thinking of the children, you perv.
 
2014-01-09 09:51:35 PM

ArcadianRefugee: [www.slate.com image 590x421]

No, really, I'm curious about the chain of logic here.

[1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?

Now, assuming that [1] is true

[2] Protect the children.
a) o_O

"Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation, which endangers children."


That's some serious potato logic there.


I thought it was because gay people use children to masturbate.  I don't farking know, I'm not retarded.
 
2014-01-09 09:52:10 PM

Lsherm: djkutch: Lsherm: Man I dated a woman in college who was fascinated with giving handjobs.  Loved giving them more than having sex, I think.  She took it as a point of personal pride every time I came, like it was a gold star for her doing well on an assignment.  And she would dole them out anywhere - in the back of a van on a road trip, our elevator, single-use restrooms, at a game under a coat - anywhere. We broke up after a few months, and when I went back to, uh, self-service, I really disappointed myself.

Unfortunately, she's the only woman I've ever met who had a thing about it.

/I've completely forgotten what my point was.

You had an awesome girlfriend. What I think you are omitting is that one time you bumped into Larry Craig in an airport bathroom.

Oh fark that.  If I was into dudes, I could do better than Larry Craig.  Even in a bathroom.

And that girl was HOT.  And Mormon.  I was disappointed when we broke up.


I know it's not gonna happen, but I'd really like to see a picture of this girl - to put a face to a story this awesome. You were lucky, and I'm disappointed for you.
 
2014-01-09 09:54:25 PM
i.imgur.com
 
2014-01-09 10:01:45 PM
I used to date this guy that loved hand jobs.  It was kind of bizarre, it was like he'd rather get a hand job than anything else.  I mean, I know my way around a dick, so I was happy to oblige, but it was a little creepy.  I mostly just did it and then acted like it was the best thing since white chocolate fudge.

There were times he'd beg for it -- in a car, in a van, in the bathroom on the can, in a bar, in a tree, in an art gallery.  But that wasn't the weirdest thing.  Dude had some weird aversion to his homosexuality, so despite my beard, manly shape, deep voice, hard dick and my lack of tits, he insisted on referring to me as his girlfriend.  Anyway, I completely forgot where this was going, except to say, I'm a homosexual and I endorse masturbation, be it mutual or otherwise.
 
2014-01-09 10:04:51 PM
Though this is probably more accurate...

i.imgur.com
 
2014-01-09 10:07:36 PM

ArcadianRefugee: No, really, I'm curious about the chain of logic here.

[1] Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation.
a) how?
b) so what?

Now, assuming that [1] is true

[2] Protect the children.
a) o_O

"Same-sex marriage endorses masturbation, which endangers children."


That's some serious potato logic there.


I think I've got it.

Marriage leads to reduced sex. Which encourages masturbation. Which could lead to Carpal-Tunnel. Which could lead to driving accidents. Which could harm children.
 
2014-01-09 10:14:32 PM

ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha: Being able to reach your junk endorses masturbation


I can only vote "funny" once.

/bummer
 
2014-01-09 10:22:46 PM
Same sex marriage endorses masturbation;  traditional marriage requires it.

Big farkin deal.
 
2014-01-09 10:27:11 PM
I guess I have been supporting gay marriage since the age of 12.
 
2014-01-09 10:30:16 PM
They're having an uprising... against gay marriage.

The jokes write themselves, people.
 
2014-01-09 10:33:11 PM

Somacandra: TuteTibiImperes: Remember that whole kerfuffle back in the Clinton administration when Madeleine Albright suggested that teaching about masturbation during sex ed



That's wasn't Secretary of State Albright. In fact, if she had discussed masturbation that would have caused most teen boners to wilt. I think you mean Dr. Joycelyn Elders, his nominee for Surgeon General.


I remember she said in an interview (I think it may have been the Daily Show) where she was very comfortable saying that she self-pleasured and I was shocked anyone would dare admit it publicly.

She was ahead of the times and it's a shame she had to take such a hard hit for some common sense advice.
 
2014-01-09 10:34:52 PM
I was gonna mention Elders but I see I've been beaten to it.
 
2014-01-09 10:37:56 PM
Does this:


www.jocktoberfest.com
Turn you on?

I know it does something for me, but for entirely different reasons.

/seek help you sick farks.
 
2014-01-09 10:44:48 PM

Somacandra: Mikey1969: So you skipped this part, I see:

Yeah, I skipped it to make him sounds less alarmist. I was being charitable. People aren't getting hosed down by water cannons in the street during gay pride parades like they did trying to sit at lunch counters back in the day. Leaders like Harvey Milk aren't getting assassinated these decades. His comparison of Little Rock to Salt Lake City is a stretch, to say the least. All that happened in IA were two Supreme Court justices losing their jobs. If there have been riots and assassinations,  please correct me.


It's absolutely amazing that you can city the relevant parts and still not get it... Was reading comprehension optional where you went to school?

People are calling for Sheriffs to step in and "defend" people who make their own decision not to abide by federal Law. The only solution would be a military response, as the article ALSO points out, and that is only possible thanks to the first incident, where Eisenhower federalized the National Guard.

He's just printing out a shiatstorm that could very easily occur, due to Utah being Utah. Now, If you're from Utah, I can only assume that you don't pay attention, but If you're not from here, you have no idea how much people here wouldn't think twice about standing up against "federal agression". These people actually think that they can declare Eminent Domain on federal lanes, and are working to pass laws to facilitate this, for example. They don't look fondly upon intervention in their lives, and they are mistrustful of the government overall, thanks to the type of bullshiat that LED them here in the first place. They also view God above country and are a people willing to die to defend their beliefs.

Put it together, and the guy has a point. Of course for someone who only knows the Mormons thru jokes at work, I'm sure it can be a leap of faith to accept.
 
2014-01-09 10:47:38 PM
I'm convinced that 99% of the people who get really worked up over other people's sex lives (or who they choose to have sex with) are really just having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone is having more sex than them.

i2.photobucket.com

Does everybody else... get that feeling?
 
2014-01-09 11:03:15 PM

JohnnyC: I'm convinced that 99% of the people who get really worked up over other people's sex lives (or who they choose to have sex with) are really just having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone is having more sex than them.

[i2.photobucket.com image 441x299]

Does everybody else... get that feeling?


Oh man.  I'd forgotten all about that video.  I think that was the first random video I watched online and just laughed like hell.  It was then I knew this internet things hadn't been created in vain.
 
2014-01-09 11:07:34 PM

JohnnyC: I'm convinced that 99% of the people who get really worked up over other people's sex lives (or who they choose to have sex with) are really just having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone is having more sex than them.

[i2.photobucket.com image 441x299]

Does everybody else... get that feeling?


Pretty much. These people have absolutely no self control.

Then again, I have been celibate for over a decade now. Even then I have no desire to impose my way of life on others. These people can go fark themselves.
 
2014-01-09 11:11:50 PM

Somacandra: TuteTibiImperes: Remember that whole kerfuffle back in the Clinton administration when Madeleine Albright suggested that teaching about masturbation during sex ed

[i.imgur.com image 300x219]

That's wasn't Secretary of State Albright. In fact, if she had discussed masturbation that would have caused most teen boners to wilt. I think you mean Dr. Joycelyn Elders, his nominee for Surgeon General.


Well, as noted, this is the Clinton administration we're talking about, so maybe the idea of masturbation being an integral part of our foreign policy at that time isn't necessarily that farfetched.
 
2014-01-09 11:13:24 PM
LULZ. If your argument is masturbating is bad, well, then good luck with that.
 
2014-01-09 11:20:17 PM

Somacandra: Leaders like Harvey Milk aren't getting assassinated these decades.


Milk was killed by someone he worked with, Dan White, who held relatively progressive views on gay rights for the time. Besides, White's other victim was straight. Doesn't seem like an anti-gay hate crime any way you look at it.
 
2014-01-09 11:25:50 PM
It endorses masturbation?  That's sad.  I better grab a Kleenex.

Make that a box.  And maybe some Jergens.
 
2014-01-09 11:26:59 PM

Q&D

imageshack.com



He looked too sad.
 
2014-01-09 11:36:46 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: [img.fark.net image 590x421]


Nobody else said it so, kudos, that is perfect.
 
2014-01-09 11:41:36 PM

VJStinger: Does this:


[www.jocktoberfest.com image 500x300]
Turn you on?

I know it does something for me, but for entirely different reasons.

/seek help you sick farks.


Just thinking about that inside me makes my mouth water....
 
2014-01-09 11:44:50 PM

NateAsbestos: MaudlinMutantMollusk: [img.fark.net image 590x421]

Nobody else said it so, kudos, that is perfect.


heh... thanks, man
 
2014-01-09 11:46:19 PM

undernova: I know it's not gonna happen, but I'd really like to see a picture of this girl - to put a face to a story this awesome. You were lucky, and I'm disappointed for you.


It was over 30 years ago, so even if you saw a picture of her now you'd be disappointed.  She was a sandy blonde girl with freckles and farking enormous blue eyes.  She had wide hips, big thighs, and small boobs, but while we were dating we were both young enough that things like that didn't matter.  She eventually blossomed into a naturally curvy woman.  She was at my wedding, but that's the last time I saw her, and that was over 20 years ago.

But I will admit there was something strangely erotic about a woman clapping her hands after a hand-job and screaming "I won!  I won!  HEEEEE!" like my dick was a slot machine.  She was so sincerely fascinated by the whole thing that it was charming, and even I got swept up in the situation - for years after I'd consider ejaculation an accomplishment.  But she was also batshiat insane, jealous, and dismissive of my family because they weren't Mormon.  So it wouldn't have worked out.
 
2014-01-09 11:53:35 PM
I spent the last 4 years of my previous marriage not having any sex, so if my experience is any teacher, I'd say some "traditional" straight marriages endorse masturbation WAY more than good gay ones will.

Of course, my fiancee now is very giving. Very, very giving.

/And receiving, too.
//Should have gotten divorced a looooong time ago.
 
2014-01-09 11:55:11 PM
I endorse masturbation, gay marriage, straight marriage, and Five Guys burgers.

After this past week, I no longer endorse United Airlines.
 
2014-01-10 12:14:07 AM

Cagey B: ArcadianRefugee: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha: Being able to reach your junk endorses masturbation

[global3.memecdn.com image 480x332]

The T-Rex is terrifying enough that it could have coerced smaller dinosaurs into giving it handies at will. Which is pretty funny to imagine, so I guess your graphic is correct after all.


arn't t-rex's actually small and stupid, and only considered a huge dinasour in pop-culture?  Like raptors.
 
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