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(Newsvine)   Old and busted: Tarot cards. New hotness: Asparagus   (carloz.newsvine.com) divider line 33
    More: Weird, Jemima Packington, fortune telling, asparagus, royal families  
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3805 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Jan 2014 at 10:24 AM (41 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



33 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-01-05 09:56:48 AM  
Don't disparage.
 
2014-01-05 10:31:30 AM  
Thank goodness. Tired of urine smelling like old Tarot cards.
 
2014-01-05 10:32:55 AM  
♫ This is the dawning of The Age of Asparagus ♫
 
2014-01-05 10:38:19 AM  
1. There will be sad a loss to the Royal Family
 - Not a surprise. The royals lose more and more dignity every year.
2. But there will also be a happy addition
 - A baby? A marriage? Vague predictions are vague.
3. A major entertainment mogul will retire
 - Yawn
4. England will be knocked out of the World Cup in the early stages
 - Not a follower of soccer, but when was the last time England was known for athletics on the world stage?
5. Politics in the Middle East will continue to raise concern
 - You don't say!
6. One political party leader will be dogged by turmoil and not recover.
 - Yawn
7. A storm this month will bring more misery to Britain
 - Britain, miserable due to weather? Quelle surprise!
8. The weather in the Far East will deteriorate as the year progresses.
 - Seasonal monsoons? Such a thing is unheard of!
9. A musical supergroup will split.
 - Are there even any supergroups around right now?
10. There will be a string of celebrity divorces.
  - This can't be true. Everyone knows celebrities are the happiest and most stable of all people in their lives and relationships.

You know, if you're going to make predictions, at least be creative. I think the woman is smoking her asparagus.
 
2014-01-05 10:39:49 AM  
I could make those same predictions using crackers in my soup.

The royal family is going to have a loss? That's tough to predict when the queen and her husband are pushing 90.
 
2014-01-05 10:43:45 AM  
Someone give me a thousand dollars. I'll make some predictions for you.
 
2014-01-05 10:54:37 AM  

BitwiseShift: Thank goodness. Tired of urine smelling like old Tarot cards.


Shakes fist and just drained lizard in anger for beating me to the urine joke.
 
2014-01-05 10:54:38 AM  
s28.postimg.org
 
2014-01-05 10:59:17 AM  
I counted ten stalks - that would make a fair set of I Ching sticks.  Adjacent pairs even or odd.
 
2014-01-05 11:01:42 AM  
You're probably familiar with the phrase "cargo cult science." Named after WWII-era Pacific islanders whose islands were used by the Allies, and who then tried to summon the Allies (and all the good technology they brought) back post war by wearing coconuts on their heads like audio headphones and wiggling sticks around at pretend landing pads, it denotes a methodology with a superficial resemblance to science, that's really just a load or horseshiat. Think astrology, homeopathy, crystal healing, lie detectors, Feng Shui, Freud, trickle-down economics, etc.

I think we just discovered the equivalent for pseudoscience. This is crap that can't even be bothered to have the thin veneer of marginal plausibility of other augury methods. It's  cargo cult pseudoscience. Astrologers at least have silly symbols and a charting ritual. This nitwit is just chucking asparagus stalks at a sheet and nattering platitudes.
 
2014-01-05 11:08:36 AM  
That's actually a rather brilliant list of predictions.

Roughly half of them are testable in some meaningful way (royal family having a "happy addition" etc) and the other half are so impossibly vague as to be fulfilled by any random thing that happens in the year.

So she's prognosticated herself a list that basically guarantees a claim of a minimum 50% success rate, which is far better than chance--plus a few which, if by chance she gets right, she can go "SEE?! I called it," and people will be in awe when they see all the other things she got "right."
 
2014-01-05 11:10:18 AM  

art_shamsky: 1. There will be sad a loss to the Royal Family
 - Not a surprise. The royals lose more and more dignity every year.
2. But there will also be a happy addition
 - A baby? A marriage? Vague predictions are vague.
3. A major entertainment mogul will retire
 - Yawn
4. England will be knocked out of the World Cup in the early stages
 - Not a follower of soccer, but when was the last time England was known for athletics on the world stage?
5. Politics in the Middle East will continue to raise concern
 - You don't say!
6. One political party leader will be dogged by turmoil and not recover.
 - Yawn
7. A storm this month will bring more misery to Britain
 - Britain, miserable due to weather? Quelle surprise!
8. The weather in the Far East will deteriorate as the year progresses.
 - Seasonal monsoons? Such a thing is unheard of!
9. A musical supergroup will split.
 - Are there even any supergroups around right now?
10. There will be a string of celebrity divorces.
  - This can't be true. Everyone knows celebrities are the happiest and most stable of all people in their lives and relationships.

You know, if you're going to make predictions, at least be creative. I think the woman is smoking her asparagus.


The best way to be a successful psychic/sooth-sayer is to be as vague as possible with your predictions.  Looking through the list, she's doing the smart thing: vague, but grounded in a likelihood of happening.  Eventually, someone will design a computer program which can do the same thing but assign percentage values to its predictions. (ie, Quantum Leap or Psychohistory)
 
2014-01-05 11:14:55 AM  
According to the interwebs, Brits asparagus season is April-May. That's the real story here, here magical asparagus
 
2014-01-05 11:18:41 AM  
Oooo!

*runs and gets the asparagus out of the fridge*

*chucks it on the floor*

I predict.... I'll have a mess to clean up.
 
2014-01-05 11:21:04 AM  
This is the kind of story which sets Richard Dawkins to fapping.

Also, some fatties will use any excuse to avoid eating their vegetables.  Winning Powerball numbers or GTFO, porky.
 
2014-01-05 11:32:38 AM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: You're probably familiar with the phrase "cargo cult science." Named after WWII-era Pacific islanders whose islands were used by the Allies, and who then tried to summon the Allies (and all the good technology they brought) back post war by wearing coconuts on their heads like audio headphones and wiggling sticks around at pretend landing pads, it denotes a methodology with a superficial resemblance to science, that's really just a load or horseshiat. Think astrology, homeopathy, crystal healing, lie detectors, Feng Shui, Freud, trickle-down economics, etc.

I think we just discovered the equivalent for pseudoscience. This is crap that can't even be bothered to have the thin veneer of marginal plausibility of other augury methods. It's  cargo cult pseudoscience. Astrologers at least have silly symbols and a charting ritual. This nitwit is just chucking asparagus stalks at a sheet and nattering platitudes.


did you just call him an asparagus chucker?

[daswasist.jpg]
 
2014-01-05 11:37:43 AM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: I think we just discovered the equivalent for pseudoscience. This is crap that can't even be bothered to have the thin veneer of marginal plausibility of other augury methods. It's  cargo cult pseudoscience. Astrologers at least have silly symbols and a charting ritual. This nitwit is just chucking asparagus stalks at a sheet and nattering platitudes.


Think this will work with canned asparagus?
 
2014-01-05 11:38:02 AM  
I don't do predictions because I do the crazy, unexpected kind.

That come true occasionally.

/Was reading a book about terrorists crashing planes into buildings the morning of 9/11
//Who else expected Michael Jackson to OD?
 
2014-01-05 12:06:37 PM  
I predict a lot of gullible people will buy into this.


I mean..I hang with a lot of New Agers/Neo-pagans/etc. But "asparamancer"? Seriously?
 
2014-01-05 12:14:47 PM  
I like you can add -mancer to the end of any word and it becomes cooler.  Last night I was a vodkamancer because I drank almost a whole bottle then started speaking in tongues performing arcane rituals involving raw eggs.  Ouch....don't be a vodkamancer kids.
 
2014-01-05 12:15:19 PM  
Fark needs a "Crazy" tag

/for stories outside of Florida
 
2014-01-05 12:19:06 PM  
"9. A musical supergroup will split."

There are "supergroups" out there?
 
2014-01-05 12:29:58 PM  
I have some predictions for you folks:
That article is going to make this woman a lot of money.
Suckers will flock to her.
She will be able to really raise her rates, perhaps enough to afford the shade grown white asparagus.
While we mock her, she cashes in.
 
2014-01-05 12:34:59 PM  
www.addictinginfo.org

is understandably appalled.
 
2014-01-05 12:36:13 PM  
 
2014-01-05 12:45:53 PM  
I predict Hollandaise Sauce
 
2014-01-05 01:00:01 PM  

berylman: I like you can add -mancer to the end of any word and it becomes cooler.  Last night I was a vodkamancer because I drank almost a whole bottle then started speaking in tongues performing arcane rituals involving raw eggs.  Ouch....don't be a vodkamancer kids.


i43.tinypic.com
 
2014-01-05 01:19:57 PM  
Before I knew what that nasty-ass vegetable did to bodily fluids I hated it.

//ahead of the curve
 
2014-01-05 03:55:11 PM  

wildcardjack: I don't do predictions because I do the crazy, unexpected kind.

That come true occasionally.

/Was reading a book about terrorists crashing planes into buildings the morning of 9/11
//Who else expected Michael Jackson to OD?


To be fair the day he died I had made an offhand comment about how with looks like his he cant be long for the world.


it was a hot day and I was at work. I was sweating like michael jackson at a day care center.
 
2014-01-05 04:40:15 PM  
Your future smells funny.
 
2014-01-05 05:15:20 PM  
One of these guys has limp asparagus.

news.bbc.co.uk
 
2014-01-06 10:29:10 AM  

dionysusaur: I counted ten stalks - that would make a fair set of I Ching sticks.  Adjacent pairs even or odd.


I was going to say: is this some kind of attempt to appropriate the I Ching with far fewer yarrow stalks? How long before some 4Channer decides to do it by spinning leeks?
 
2014-01-06 10:30:47 AM  
Also, wouldn't that be "asparagomancer," rather than "asparamancer"?
 
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