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(Deadspin) Weeners What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?   (deadspin.com) divider line 84
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11243 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Jan 2014 at 7:50 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



84 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2014-01-01 03:43:16 AM  
Zapped it with a time machine I bought off the internet.
 
2014-01-01 04:04:42 AM  
*checks list worriedly*

Ha, they missed most of mine.

Phew.
 
2014-01-01 04:18:35 AM  
SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS

Dafuq?

PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT

Why?
 
2014-01-01 04:30:51 AM  
Put a little cowboy hat, and a mask on it, and took it to see "The Lone Ranger".
 
2014-01-01 04:52:06 AM  
Put a tiny sombrero on it & took a picture.

Oh, wait...that was someone in TFD. :-D
 
2014-01-01 05:15:30 AM  
fta SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL

Apparently you don't have to be an english major to get a job at the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.
 
2014-01-01 05:47:47 AM  

Notabunny: fta SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL

Apparently you don't have to be an english major to get a job at the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.


Bros before hos, unless your bro shoots you in the dick with a BB gun.
 
2014-01-01 06:46:02 AM  
img.gawkerassets.com
 
2014-01-01 06:49:26 AM  

Paris1127: SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS

Dafuq?

PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT

Why?


Because when you stick your dick in the dryer's lint trap, sometimes your balls get all linty and you need to give them a thorough de-linting.
 
2014-01-01 07:55:00 AM  
Some of those come close to being as hilarious as the ballsack conundrum.

Close.
 
2014-01-01 07:57:20 AM  
"LACERATION TO PENIS  USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE"

You're doing it wrong.

On that note, with all the excuses given in that list, I would bet a months pay over 95% of them were a result of masturbation.
 
2014-01-01 08:04:58 AM  
Sticking it in crazy surprisingly absent.
 
2014-01-01 08:15:48 AM  
Sounds like lots of guys are making some elaborate excuses for their wang injuries. The best excuse is always, I was having sex and....
 
2014-01-01 08:20:05 AM  

ReapTheChaos: "LACERATION TO PENIS  USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE"

You're doing it wrong.

On that note, with all the excuses given in that list, I would bet a months pay over 95% of them were a result of masturbation.


That's why we have the Darwin Awards.
 
2014-01-01 08:20:55 AM  
Sticking it not nearly enough times into the wife.
 
2014-01-01 08:28:40 AM  
Very very little... wait, that didn't come out right. I meant... that I didn't...

Ah f*ck you guys.
 
2014-01-01 08:32:30 AM  
"BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER "

I admit, I did this one last year (though I didn't go to the ER). Only did it for like five seconds and hurt for 15 minutes after.

Cant say I recommend the idea.
 
2014-01-01 08:32:53 AM  
And not one case of I thought he was a girl on the list
 
2014-01-01 08:33:22 AM  
What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?


Coming on a Bicycle: Sticking it not nearly enough times into the wife.



FTFY.
 
2014-01-01 08:35:59 AM  
Fracture to the penis?  How?

/cringing, but still, how?
 
2014-01-01 08:37:59 AM  
OLDER BROTHER & HIM HORSING AROUND WHEN SIBLING BIT PENIS.

So now mutual blowjobs is now known as "horsing around"?
 
2014-01-01 08:38:34 AM  

GungFu: What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?


Coming on a Bicycle: Sticking it not nearly enough times into the wife.


FTFY.


That's something I don't need to worry about anymore.

/divorced
 
2014-01-01 08:42:31 AM  
Who goes to the hospital for half those things?  What do they even do for a penile fracture,  give you pain medication?  Take some aspirin and get through it.
 
2014-01-01 08:42:31 AM  
 

Creoena: Sticking it in crazy surprisingly absent.


I did. As much as possible.

/no regrets
 
2014-01-01 08:44:16 AM  
Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.
 
GBB
2014-01-01 08:56:18 AM  

That Not So Fresh Feeling: Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.


neotericart.com
 
2014-01-01 08:59:51 AM  
Sticking it in subby's mom surprisingly absent.

/hey, it's not like I was the only one... right subby?
 
2014-01-01 09:01:04 AM  

TheGogmagog: Who goes to the hospital for half those things?  What do they even do for a penile fracture,  give you pain medication?  Take some aspirin and get through it.


It is a serious injury that is fixed by something called degloveing the penis do not GIS it.
 
2014-01-01 09:03:27 AM  
"FELL IN SHOWER DIRECTLY ONTO ERECT PENIS. HEARD CRACK TO SITE."

Ok I cringed when I read this one.
 
2014-01-01 09:07:31 AM  

cardex: TheGogmagog: Who goes to the hospital for half those things?  What do they even do for a penile fracture,  give you pain medication?  Take some aspirin and get through it.

It is a serious injury that is fixed by something called degloveing the penis do not GIS it.


Yeah I agree on not going to the hospital for a lot of these by the sounds of it, but a fracture is pretty serious. Particularly if you ever want to use it again.
 
2014-01-01 09:07:47 AM  

That Not So Fresh Feeling: Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.


It wasn't that kind of party.
 
2014-01-01 09:30:05 AM  
SITTING ON A TOILET AND DROPPED CIGARETTE ONTO PENIS

LOL! I've actually done this.
 
2014-01-01 09:32:06 AM  
Disappointed penis by not doing copy cat Carlos Danger tweets (screen not wide enough).
 
2014-01-01 09:36:17 AM  
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...
 
2014-01-01 09:37:15 AM  
I had a kitten bite my member through the sheets once.

That bit about the blow dryer has nothing on Penn Jillette's version.
 
2014-01-01 09:51:46 AM  
I'm reading this thread naked on a wooden slat chair and getting a kick.

Yes, I do like to live dangerously
 
2014-01-01 09:57:38 AM  
I'm not sure you can call what I did to my penis last year 'horrible'. 'Abuse', sure, but there was nothing horrible about it. Well, except for the cheese grater incident.

/there was no cheese grater incident
//or was there?
 
2014-01-01 10:02:29 AM  
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong
 
2014-01-01 10:18:57 AM  
My Father-Out-Law has a touch of the Alzheimer's happening.  In his Alzheimer's Care Unit, they gave him a (I think) Foley Catheter, and didn't take care of it, properly.  It slowly sawed down through the first inch of the penis head.  The doctors say they can't do anything about it.  The lawyer says he can do something about it.

/DO NOT GIS split penis catheter
// DON'T DO IT
///  Mother-Out-Law (mother of three girls) didn't know whether he was circumcised or not


////You GISed it, didn't you?
 
2014-01-01 10:19:31 AM  

Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong


I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches
 
2014-01-01 10:25:02 AM  
That was either a very big girlfriend or a very small penis.
 
2014-01-01 10:28:32 AM  
Maybe he worked the head through and that's where the ring got stuck. Only thing I can really see happening.
 
2014-01-01 10:33:16 AM  

cardex: Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong

I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches


I see I wasn't the only one thinking that lol, it would take some work to actually get it onto the shaft.
 
2014-01-01 10:46:53 AM  
I don't know if you would call it horrible, per se.

Sort of a speed limiter via chafing comes into play at a certain point.
 
2014-01-01 10:55:22 AM  
BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER

Was he warming the alter boy's lunch?
 
2014-01-01 11:00:21 AM  
Eek
Just eek
 
2014-01-01 11:09:34 AM  
PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
PENILE FRENULUM TEAR

So glad I'm circumcised
 
2014-01-01 11:13:31 AM  
*wince*

I am *so* NGTRTFA.
 
2014-01-01 11:24:09 AM  

GBB: That Not So Fresh Feeling: Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.

[neotericart.com image 374x157]


This means something. This is important. And it's making me unbelievably horny.
 
2014-01-01 11:30:48 AM  

AbiNormal: BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER

Was he warming the alter boy's lunch?


How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Get an Altar boy to shiat in her coont.
 
2014-01-01 11:42:42 AM  
I wish I could tell the story of Dick Chambers and the calf who needed a suckle .. winner, hands down ..

/dragged around a stable ..
 
2014-01-01 12:38:40 PM  

pyrotek85: cardex: Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong

I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches

I see I wasn't the only one thinking that lol, it would take some work to actually get it onto the shaft.


Maybe he's got the hands of an NBA player?
 
2014-01-01 12:41:26 PM  
I wonder why they don't have "sticking his erect penis into the spokes of a spinning bicycle wheel in an attempt to pleasure himself" listed?  They told me that was an interesting one and they were going to use it, and it seems they didn't.  Lying farking doctors!
 
2014-01-01 12:48:34 PM  
No way to treat you best friend guys.
 
2014-01-01 12:49:48 PM  

Notabunny: fta SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL

Apparently you don't have to be an english major to get a job at the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.


Careful or you'll shoot your one-eye out.
 
2014-01-01 01:01:38 PM  

stuffy: No way to treat you best friend guys.


hotmessprincess.com
This is my penis. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My penis is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My penis, without me, is useless. Without my penis, I am useless. etc.
 
2014-01-01 01:06:31 PM  
I don't even have a penis and reading these made me cringe.

/just wanted to see what you blokes are doing to your penises
//not impressed
 
2014-01-01 01:27:43 PM  
Well this is the day that I learn you can fracture a penis. I'm so glad I don't have one.
 
2014-01-01 01:31:38 PM  
I beat mine was that wrong?

//pleading ignorance here...
 
2014-01-01 01:37:24 PM  

Gleeman: pyrotek85: cardex: Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong

I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches

I see I wasn't the only one thinking that lol, it would take some work to actually get it onto the shaft.

Maybe he's got the hands of an NBA player?


Try NFL player.

CSB, when in college, I was taking the required Intro to Marketing class, and for some reason, we had some kind of "Show and Tell" class, for those students who were, also, working.  One student worked for the company that was making the rings for the Super Bowl winners, maybe Jostens, and he brought one of the rings to class.  I believe this was 1977, and Oakland had won the previous Super Bowl.  IIRC, he said it was Otis Sistrunk's (sp) ring.  The guy allowed the ring to be passed around the class. Now, I've got large hands and always have to find x-large gloves, otherwise I won't get the gloves on.  When the ring got to me, I was stunned at it's farking size.  I put the ring on my thumb and it just flopped around.  I think, if I could have managed it, there would have been enough room to fit over my thumb and little finger.  I'm not talking about the tips of my thumb and little finger, I mean, if I could have gotten them completely together, it would have gone all the way down.  I thought the ring was over the top, at the time, but it looks sedate compared to the one's they hand out now.   That was the kind of ring that someone might get stuck on their wang.  You know, someone else, of course, not on my cucumber.
 
2014-01-01 01:43:07 PM  

GenePoolinWV: My Father-Out-Law has a touch of the Alzheimer's happening.  In his Alzheimer's Care Unit, they gave him a (I think) Foley Catheter, and didn't take care of it, properly.  It slowly sawed down through the first inch of the penis head.  The doctors say they can't do anything about it.  The lawyer says he can do something about it.

/DO NOT GIS split penis catheter
// DON'T DO IT
///  Mother-Out-Law (mother of three girls) didn't know whether he was circumcised or not


////You GISed it, didn't you?


www.reactiongifs.us
 
2014-01-01 01:43:43 PM  

cardex: Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong

I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches


Truly.  My hubby has large hands, his wedding ring is a size 22.  I can't imagine even that fitting around an average penis.
 
2014-01-01 01:49:58 PM  

IwasKloot: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...


Travel to Canada, get a hotel room by a lake or waterway. Apply (a lot of) petroleum jelly on penis. Jump into water. Stay there for an hour. Your wedding ring will come off by itself, no matter how big you were before.
 
2014-01-01 01:56:33 PM  

Coming on a Bicycle: IwasKloot: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...

Travel to Canada, get a hotel room by a lake or waterway. Apply (a lot of) petroleum jelly on penis. Jump into water. Stay there for an hour. Your wedding ring will come off by itself, no matter how big you were before.


You're a doctor, aren't you?  If not, you should be one.
 
2014-01-01 02:51:52 PM  
GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS

Great day in the morning, somebody went to the ER for that? What a wuss.
I bet his wife made him go. Or his mom.
And I bet every ER nurse and orderly couldn't keep a straight face every time they looked at him the whole time he was there.
 
2014-01-01 02:56:20 PM  

varmitydog: GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS

Great day in the morning, somebody went to the ER for that? What a wuss.
I bet his wife made him go. Or his mom.
And I bet every ER nurse and orderly couldn't keep a straight face every time they looked at him the whole time he was there.


Usually I would assume the person didn't have insurance and couldn't afford to just make an appointment to see a doc about his infected tick bite, but golfing aint cheap, so....unsure what is up here.

Hard to imagine someone out golfing, gets an uncomfortable itch, and, after discovering a tick on their junk, responds by calling 911.
 
2014-01-01 03:05:44 PM  

varmitydog: GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS

Great day in the morning, somebody went to the ER for that? What a wuss.
I bet his wife made him go. Or his mom.
And I bet every ER nurse and orderly couldn't keep a straight face every time they looked at him the whole time he was there.


Depends on where you live. If you live in an area where there's a high rate of tick related disease then you better be going to the ER no matter where you get bit.
 
2014-01-01 03:13:26 PM  
I'm pretty sure that, aside from extreme allergic reactions, there is little compelling reason to go to the ER as a result of a tick bite. Keep an eye on it for infection and/or get some preventive antibiotics. Tick bites are generally a non-panic situation.
 
2014-01-01 03:25:33 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: Put a tiny sombrero on it & took a picture.

Oh, wait...that was someone in TFD. :-D


God, I wish I'd been around for that discussion.  It is still being fondly remembered in TFD.
 
2014-01-01 03:44:04 PM  

miss jinxed: Bathia_Mapes: Put a tiny sombrero on it & took a picture.

Oh, wait...that was someone in TFD. :-D

God, I wish I'd been around for that discussion.  It is still being fondly remembered in TFD.


IIRC the thread ended up being greenlit, but the person in question tried to renege on his promise to post the image.
 
2014-01-01 04:04:04 PM  
"LACERATION TO PENIS  USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE"

If you can fit your entire erect penis into a shot glass, you have bigger problems. No pun intended.
 
2014-01-01 04:25:46 PM  
We? You got a mouse in  your pocket subby?
 
2014-01-01 04:45:24 PM  
Anybody else reading this thread curled up in a fetal position?
 
2014-01-01 05:19:21 PM  
relevant but nsfwish
 
2014-01-01 05:56:56 PM  

dstanley: Anybody else reading this thread curled up in a fetal position?


Even though I'm female, I still clamped my legs shut and curled up. Why would you guys even do some of these things to yourself? *cringes*
 
2014-01-01 05:58:55 PM  
That is some fine parenting when one son bites the other son's penis.

I hope the kid isn't too traumatized to never know the experience of having his wife tell him 'no' to a blow job, because he is too afraid to ask.
 
2014-01-01 06:10:20 PM  
NOPE.
 
2014-01-01 06:14:01 PM  
I didn't get her name.
 
2014-01-01 07:55:46 PM  
>>What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?

fapping with soft pillow until erect
 
2014-01-01 09:02:10 PM  

ReapTheChaos: varmitydog: GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS

Great day in the morning, somebody went to the ER for that? What a wuss.
I bet his wife made him go. Or his mom.
And I bet every ER nurse and orderly couldn't keep a straight face every time they looked at him the whole time he was there.

Depends on where you live. If you live in an area where there's a high rate of tick related disease then you better be going to the ER no matter where you get bit.


Info given on these is pretty sketchy, mighta been an over-reaction yeah.  Or something like "I didn't notice the tick and it got infected."  Saw a case of that while going to A-school, albeit not on the wang.  Guy got chomped and didn't catch it for a few days as it was near the back of one knee... infection wasn't fun. If you had the penis version of that yeah I'd bet you'd go to the hospital double-quick-like.
 
2014-01-01 09:57:09 PM  

pyrotek85: cardex: Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong

I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches

I see I wasn't the only one thinking that lol, it would take some work to actually get it onto the shaft.


Its like the guys you hear of time to time that get it stuck in a beer bottle or a soda bottle.

I cry a little for those guys.
 
2014-01-02 01:15:59 AM  

zimbomba63: Gleeman: pyrotek85: cardex: Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong

I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches

I see I wasn't the only one thinking that lol, it would take some work to actually get it onto the shaft.

Maybe he's got the hands of an NBA player?

Try NFL player.

CSB, when in college, I was taking the required Intro to Marketing class, and for some reason, we had some kind of "Show and Tell" class, for those students who were, also, working.  One student worked for the company that was making the rings for the Super Bowl winners, maybe Jostens, and he brought one of the rings to class.  I believe this was 1977, and Oakland had won the previous Super Bowl.  IIRC, he said it was Otis Sistrunk's (sp) ring.  The guy allowed the ring to be passed around the class. Now, I've got large hands and always have to find x-large gloves, otherwise I won't get the gloves on.  When the ring got to me, I was stunned at it's farking size.  I put the ring on my thumb and it just flopped around.  I think, if I could have managed it, there would have been enough room to fit over my thumb and little finger.  I'm not talking about the tips of my thumb and little finger, I mean, if I could have gotten them completely together, it would have gone all the way down.  I thought the ring was over the top, at the time, but it looks sedate compared to the one's they hand out now.   That was the kind of ring that someone might get stuck on their wang.  You know, someone else, of course, not on my cucumber.


I've seen the actual ring (at the NFL HOF) and I can wholly attest to the gigantic-ness of it.

All of the other things on this list (and in the comments) makes me want to puke. I generally have penis envy, but not anymore.
 
2014-01-02 03:32:01 AM  
So no one looked at the side-bar item "Things we get stuck in our rectums"?-

Last one on list---  LIT BOTTLE ROCKET; "IT DIDN'T GO WELL"
 
2014-01-02 04:32:24 PM  
You would be very wise to NOT GIS for "penis fracture".
owie.
 
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