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(Deadspin) Weeners What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?   (deadspin.com) divider line 84
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11146 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Jan 2014 at 7:50 AM (16 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2014-01-01 03:43:16 AM
Zapped it with a time machine I bought off the internet.
 
2014-01-01 04:04:42 AM
*checks list worriedly*

Ha, they missed most of mine.

Phew.
 
2014-01-01 04:18:35 AM
SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS

Dafuq?

PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT

Why?
 
2014-01-01 04:30:51 AM
Put a little cowboy hat, and a mask on it, and took it to see "The Lone Ranger".
 
2014-01-01 04:52:06 AM
Put a tiny sombrero on it & took a picture.

Oh, wait...that was someone in TFD. :-D
 
2014-01-01 05:15:30 AM
fta SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL

Apparently you don't have to be an english major to get a job at the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.
 
2014-01-01 05:47:47 AM

Notabunny: fta SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL

Apparently you don't have to be an english major to get a job at the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.


Bros before hos, unless your bro shoots you in the dick with a BB gun.
 
2014-01-01 06:46:02 AM
img.gawkerassets.com
 
2014-01-01 06:49:26 AM

Paris1127: SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS

Dafuq?

PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT

Why?


Because when you stick your dick in the dryer's lint trap, sometimes your balls get all linty and you need to give them a thorough de-linting.
 
2014-01-01 07:55:00 AM
Some of those come close to being as hilarious as the ballsack conundrum.

Close.
 
2014-01-01 07:57:20 AM
"LACERATION TO PENIS  USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE"

You're doing it wrong.

On that note, with all the excuses given in that list, I would bet a months pay over 95% of them were a result of masturbation.
 
2014-01-01 08:04:58 AM
Sticking it in crazy surprisingly absent.
 
2014-01-01 08:15:48 AM
Sounds like lots of guys are making some elaborate excuses for their wang injuries. The best excuse is always, I was having sex and....
 
2014-01-01 08:20:05 AM

ReapTheChaos: "LACERATION TO PENIS  USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE"

You're doing it wrong.

On that note, with all the excuses given in that list, I would bet a months pay over 95% of them were a result of masturbation.


That's why we have the Darwin Awards.
 
2014-01-01 08:20:55 AM
Sticking it not nearly enough times into the wife.
 
2014-01-01 08:28:40 AM
Very very little... wait, that didn't come out right. I meant... that I didn't...

Ah f*ck you guys.
 
2014-01-01 08:32:30 AM
"BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER "

I admit, I did this one last year (though I didn't go to the ER). Only did it for like five seconds and hurt for 15 minutes after.

Cant say I recommend the idea.
 
2014-01-01 08:32:53 AM
And not one case of I thought he was a girl on the list
 
2014-01-01 08:33:22 AM
What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?


Coming on a Bicycle: Sticking it not nearly enough times into the wife.



FTFY.
 
2014-01-01 08:35:59 AM
Fracture to the penis?  How?

/cringing, but still, how?
 
2014-01-01 08:37:59 AM
OLDER BROTHER & HIM HORSING AROUND WHEN SIBLING BIT PENIS.

So now mutual blowjobs is now known as "horsing around"?
 
2014-01-01 08:38:34 AM

GungFu: What horrible things did we do to our penises last year?


Coming on a Bicycle: Sticking it not nearly enough times into the wife.


FTFY.


That's something I don't need to worry about anymore.

/divorced
 
2014-01-01 08:42:31 AM
Who goes to the hospital for half those things?  What do they even do for a penile fracture,  give you pain medication?  Take some aspirin and get through it.
 
2014-01-01 08:42:31 AM
 

Creoena: Sticking it in crazy surprisingly absent.


I did. As much as possible.

/no regrets
 
2014-01-01 08:44:16 AM
Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.
 
GBB
2014-01-01 08:56:18 AM

That Not So Fresh Feeling: Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.


neotericart.com
 
2014-01-01 08:59:51 AM
Sticking it in subby's mom surprisingly absent.

/hey, it's not like I was the only one... right subby?
 
2014-01-01 09:01:04 AM

TheGogmagog: Who goes to the hospital for half those things?  What do they even do for a penile fracture,  give you pain medication?  Take some aspirin and get through it.


It is a serious injury that is fixed by something called degloveing the penis do not GIS it.
 
2014-01-01 09:03:27 AM
"FELL IN SHOWER DIRECTLY ONTO ERECT PENIS. HEARD CRACK TO SITE."

Ok I cringed when I read this one.
 
2014-01-01 09:07:31 AM

cardex: TheGogmagog: Who goes to the hospital for half those things?  What do they even do for a penile fracture,  give you pain medication?  Take some aspirin and get through it.

It is a serious injury that is fixed by something called degloveing the penis do not GIS it.


Yeah I agree on not going to the hospital for a lot of these by the sounds of it, but a fracture is pretty serious. Particularly if you ever want to use it again.
 
2014-01-01 09:07:47 AM

That Not So Fresh Feeling: Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.


It wasn't that kind of party.
 
2014-01-01 09:30:05 AM
SITTING ON A TOILET AND DROPPED CIGARETTE ONTO PENIS

LOL! I've actually done this.
 
2014-01-01 09:32:06 AM
Disappointed penis by not doing copy cat Carlos Danger tweets (screen not wide enough).
 
2014-01-01 09:36:17 AM
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...
 
2014-01-01 09:37:15 AM
I had a kitten bite my member through the sheets once.

That bit about the blow dryer has nothing on Penn Jillette's version.
 
2014-01-01 09:51:46 AM
I'm reading this thread naked on a wooden slat chair and getting a kick.

Yes, I do like to live dangerously
 
2014-01-01 09:57:38 AM
I'm not sure you can call what I did to my penis last year 'horrible'. 'Abuse', sure, but there was nothing horrible about it. Well, except for the cheese grater incident.

/there was no cheese grater incident
//or was there?
 
2014-01-01 10:02:29 AM
PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong
 
2014-01-01 10:18:57 AM
My Father-Out-Law has a touch of the Alzheimer's happening.  In his Alzheimer's Care Unit, they gave him a (I think) Foley Catheter, and didn't take care of it, properly.  It slowly sawed down through the first inch of the penis head.  The doctors say they can't do anything about it.  The lawyer says he can do something about it.

/DO NOT GIS split penis catheter
// DON'T DO IT
///  Mother-Out-Law (mother of three girls) didn't know whether he was circumcised or not


////You GISed it, didn't you?
 
2014-01-01 10:19:31 AM

Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong


I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches
 
2014-01-01 10:25:02 AM
That was either a very big girlfriend or a very small penis.
 
2014-01-01 10:28:32 AM
Maybe he worked the head through and that's where the ring got stuck. Only thing I can really see happening.
 
2014-01-01 10:33:16 AM

cardex: Fear the Clam: PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF

That guy must be hung like a cocktail frank if he can even get it on.

/Bang a tiny gong

I was thinking the same thing. A size 14 ring has about .9 diameter and the average condom is between 1.8 and 2.0 inches


I see I wasn't the only one thinking that lol, it would take some work to actually get it onto the shaft.
 
2014-01-01 10:46:53 AM
I don't know if you would call it horrible, per se.

Sort of a speed limiter via chafing comes into play at a certain point.
 
2014-01-01 10:55:22 AM
BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER

Was he warming the alter boy's lunch?
 
2014-01-01 11:00:21 AM
Eek
Just eek
 
2014-01-01 11:09:34 AM
PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
PENILE FRENULUM TEAR

So glad I'm circumcised
 
2014-01-01 11:13:31 AM
*wince*

I am *so* NGTRTFA.
 
2014-01-01 11:24:09 AM

GBB: That Not So Fresh Feeling: Sticking it in the mashed potatoes strangely absent.

[neotericart.com image 374x157]


This means something. This is important. And it's making me unbelievably horny.
 
2014-01-01 11:30:48 AM

AbiNormal: BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER

Was he warming the alter boy's lunch?


How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Get an Altar boy to shiat in her coont.
 
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